Bones

Playlist

Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

The benefits of listening to the radio for the entire workday: You know when there is a new English song. And it tries to fill in the awkward silence that arrives when the boss enters the room, where everyone is dreading the moment where she addresses you. Things are far more peaceful when she is not around, but I guess its no good when your boss is constantly absent.

I think I am not getting enough sleep. My face is sort of showing it, with more pimples and no longer nice and smooth. Either that or the facial lady overdid something and my poor face is reacting to the abuse. One of the things I hate about facials is that you never really know if the therapist actually knows what the hell she is doing. Many would tell me that I should not scrimp on my face, but I really do not see a need to pay hundreds of dollars for each treatment. Yes my face is worth a lot, but paying more does not guarantee better service? Especially in a service industry which offers personalised treatments... My complexion changes depending on my lifestyle and hormones. Are you telling me that going to see the therapist once a month is going to give me good skin for a while? I don't need decent skin; I can achieve that on my own. I want good skin. The kind where foundation is barely necessary. That is what I want. Contact me if you think you can deliver that consistently, because with my current facial place, if I pay greater attention to my skin, it barely makes a difference.

Not too happy with my grades. It has increased, but by the pathetic and relatively insignificant 0.05. I know that I am not putting in sufficient effort to memorise, and I cannot really fault anyone but myself, but still... A very annoying feeling. Was hoping to graduate with a Merit Award at least, but seems like all I can get will be a pathetic Pass. Yes I am not as academically brilliant as I once was, partially because of my lack of love for what I am doing. Not like love will make a big difference to my grades at this point in time. All I can hope is that I do not screw things up so badly that my GPA plummets. 4 Cs in university. I am such a horrible student. In the most ridiculous subjects, and mostly picked up in one semester too. Believe me, I am as incredulous as you are. How the once mighty have fallen. Where A grades agglomerated like flies around a rotting corpse, I am now struggling to fish out As from my dying brain.

Trying to study for the Japanese exam that is next week and failing to do so quite horribly. Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, is going into my memory. Not enough practice and exposure, both areas that are pretty difficult to tackle at this point in time. I tried having a Japanese penpal, but my schedule is evidently not particularly conducive to letter writing. I need something like an hour of uninterrupted time to wring all the Japanese sentence structures that I know out of of my head. Time that is not easily attained with my long, and very strange, work hours and dire need for 8 hours every night. Weekends are spent doing laundry and chores and trying to reclaim a semblance of a life. Exercise is squished into every available time slot. Food is wolfed down, baths hurried affairs. I have not had the time to read a proper chapter of manga since work began. Yes things are this bad. I really wonder at how people who live far from work survive. As I am, I am barely scraping by, and I don't even have any form of nightlife!

I apologise for the post, it seems like I have given in to complaining. Again. And here I keep telling myself to be less of a whiny little brat and to think things through properly before writing it all out. Sigh, I shall resign myself to the fact that I am a lazy ass choosing the easy way out. Well, hopefully I will have something more interesting to post come after Saturday?  Going out with someone that I thought I would never go out with, so I think there will be quite a few things to reflect on. So yes, I expect the next post here to be on Sunday at the very earliest. I'll update the other side soon, probably sometime on Thursday or Friday, depending on how much time I have on hand. Its good to be blogging again, because I am sick and tired of reading the blogs of others. Strange right? call me an egoistic bitch, but I prefer looking at a wall of text. Better than a battalion of pictures of pouty mouthed, overexposed over-saturated faces anyway. Are people such curious idiots? I really wonder anyone would regularly read those blogs... I get bored after the third camwhore photo and cannot wait to get out of the site. Deathly boring.

I need sleep as I have to be on time for work tomorrow. Eek! Good night!

"Stuck in reverse..."

Scrub

Playlist

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I will be the first to say that I am not a huge fan of Nicki Minaj, and that I found the MV hilariously ridiculous, but I will admit that I think this song is crazy inspiring and addictive. I think she is a fan of jeremy Scott, and I think she is insane for putting everything Jeremy Scott together in one singular outfit. One statement piece is enough but well, she is a celebrity and her job is to make people stare at her stunned, which is something she accomplishes with zero difficulty.

In a pretty good mood because I just cleaned most of my house. Scrubbed the bathroom until everything was gleaming and was happy to see it all sparkly clean. Yes, cleanliness is next to godliness, and to someone like me who does not subscribe to a religion, cleanliness is my mad love. Of course I am not always insane about scrubbing and cleaning. I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder; I am just a little bit more of a neat freak than most people my age. Its mainly just when the mood hits, when I want to remove every speck of dust I can see and make sure that everything around me is all pretty and gleaming. Generally, I cannot work in a messy place, so I tend to accumulate things and dirt to my limit before getting down to business. I'm the kind of person who will do the laundry when its a hot day, do ironing if its a cool day, and everything else whenever I have spare time. Due to the nature of my job, it has become such that I can only do the cleaning on weekends. The timing on weekdays is far too peculiar to be conducive for household chores.

Maybe because I've spent most of my life without a helper, and I've gotten used to the fact that chores are usually split 4 ways, that I wonder how I will ever have my own family. In my family, most of us do our own dishes, unless its a full meal where my mum and I do the cleaning up. Laundry is usually done by myself or my mother, unless its an item that needs handwashing, which is then done by whomever that item belongs to. Plants watered, heavy lifting, electrical maintenance, paintwork and repairs are done by my dad. Once a week we do a generic house cleaning, with the house divided into 4 and each with their own segment to clean. In a way, while our household is still very much like the traditional Asian family where the women do most of the work, at least the guys play a role? I can barely think of anyone with a dad who vacuums and wipes the floor every week.

I think I am capable of living alone quite well. Spent almost a month, in the States and Taiwan combined, and spent 6 weeks in Japan on my own. Did my laundry, cleaned my room and all. Since I will probably now spend 6 months on exchange, my main concerns are whether there is a vacuum cleaner in the hostel and the name of the Japanese equivalent for Jif. I hope that someone comes in once every couple of weeks to clean the toilets, because it is going to be insanely difficult to find toilet brushes and water sweepers in a foreign country. If the floor is carpeted, I'll probably need to think of a way to find a vacuum cleaner. Kind of hoping that the floor is not, so I can at least wipe it clean. Otherwise, if the hostel is old, I think I will do my best to never touch the floor with any clean item. I'll also need a kettle, I wonder if there will be a hot water flask, and I am sorely tempted to bring my hair dryer along.

Was just informed of my failure to attain the JASSO scholarship. Which means I have to try harder for the scholarship offered by my school. Very unlikely to get it as my family is not poor and I am not a Dean's lister. As I have mentioned previously, one of the most painful things about my life is that I'm average and mediocre. I fall through the cracks, because I am not poor enough to get charity money, and I am not smart enough to get scholarships. I am not rich enough to afford the things I want, and I am not stupid enough to be turned down. Stuck in limbo. I need a business angel right about now. Will settle for a sugar daddy or mummy either. I feel horrid asking my parents to pay for my education overseas, but I want it badly enough to apply after rejecting it the first year. What does that say about me I wonder? I do not want to spend ten thousand dollars in a foreign land for a sham of a exchange. I know the classes will be alright, and I know I will do work and be a good girl. But I wonder about the true motivation behind my trip. Something drives me and I wonder if it is just a whim, because this is something that I have wanted to do since I was seventeen. Whims are passing fancies. 5 years, on most counts, are not passing fancies.

Work is taking up a lot of time, but I am slowly getting hold of my schedule. Going for runs now and then, movies with friends here and there, dinner and the odd lunch date with people I want to keep in contact with. After a while, there is a trend and I suppose I am coping relatively well? Most of my work related angst goes to my other blog so I shall keep this area as neutral as possible. Quite a good avenue to put everything down and helps maintain sanity. In many ways, I wonder what I will be like after 10 more weeks. It has only been 3 weeks and I have begun to notice slight differences in the way I do things. Journey of self discovery... Where will I go from here?

"夜が来た 目覚ましな..."

Biology

Playlist

Girls Gone Wild by Madonna

I usually try not to blog when I feel that my objectivity is compromised by more than 50%. I mean, while I am entitled to my own opinion, I believe in the sanctity of freedom of speech and I try not to abuse this privilege. Some may feel that freedom of speech is a basic human right but I beg to differ. An argument for another day, because I want to get to the heart of what I am trying to say.

This is a topic that I am definitely biased in, and I am talking about PMS. Or whatever variation of it that afflicts most of the female humans on this planet. No two person will have the exact same experience, although I am told that many females are far grouchier in the days leading up to menstruation, and during their period itself. Now considering that most normal females will have a 28 day cycle, a few really unfortunate individuals will seem to be in a bad mood for something like 12 days out of the 31 days of the average month.

I will not insist that there are no mood changes for females, I mean, I've noticed it among friends. What I am saying, is that people, especially males who never have to go through this biological process, ought to be more understanding. So what if your mother/wife/girlfriend/friend is a little moody? You either associate or disassociate. If their non-moody personality is not enough to counter their moody self, then find someone else. Don't proudly proclaim on the bloody train that "all females are stupid and emotional" because of PMS, and that you "will never understand why must they be so angry". We know its a really annoying biological function that impedes our daily lives, we don't need the constant sarcasm and numerous reminders from you!

Think of it this way, for something like a week, which is 7 days, and approximately 168 hours, we are discharging old blood. It is a non-stop process. All the time. While you are asleep. Awake. Reading a book. Watching TV. Walking to the bus stop. And it is not always a painless process as there is constriction and cramps and water retention and this general feeling of being supremely bloated... The list never ends. There is also a general spike in body temperatures. Put all these together, and you get a bunch of people who are not only in discomfort, they feel downright horrible. Of course, some lucky people will never get a cramp as long as they live, but those individuals are as common as people who are skinny naturally, which is not common at ALL. 

And then your hormones are in a mess as your body is transitioning from fertile to infertile and then back to fertile. Think of it as spring cleaning that takes a week and is done every month. How often do you spring clean? In fact, when was the last time the average young adult cleaned their room, much less the entire house? How much effort does that take? Well, menstruation is the biological equivalent. And you wonder why girls are grouchy. Wouldn't you be as well? As I mentioned, this is something that I am biased about, but I sincerely doubt that you can find anyone who is completely neutral about it. Not that I am bothered enough by my lack of objectivity in this subject to seek a second opinion.

And tomorrow will officially be my second week at work. Not sure what my boss thinks of me, but I hope its something positive. I have yet to screw up, and I hope I never do. A little behind time on one aspect, but its alright, because I intend to pace myself. Being too awesome will probably make her have higher expectations of me and all that. That does not mean I will try to mess things up, but I will not be giving 100% anytime soon. How should I say this? Perhaps I do not see myself staying in the company, but the main reason is that I do not see a long term benefit if I'm hugely efficient and amazing from the get-go. There are some areas where I still have much time to learn, and it would not help if my boss was to raise the bar unnecessarily. How selfish I am right?

Almost a non-existent social life so I do not have much to add. Unlikely that I will have the opportunity to meet anyone new to socialise with anytime soon. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a young adult. I seem to live like some old lady at times. I wake up, shower and clean up, have breakfast, change and go to work. Lunch, more work, before I end at 7pm. After that its either Japanese study session with Athen, gym/run or a stay at home and rest day. Weekends are spent lazing, packing the house, and running errands. Boring and relaxing and a wee bit creepy how at the grand old age of 22, I am living like this. Which might be why I often feel there is no space in my life for someone special. Oh wells.

I shall head to bed after watching Glee!

"Like a dream come alive, incredible..."

Spinning

Playlist

Payphone by Maroon 5

Near the end of the week and I am not too tired? The inertia from Monday has passed and I'm rather indifferent to the work I have to do. Single and lacking friends means I have more free time than expected. Was a wee bit upset about my friend-less status a while back but I guess it happens. More time to listen to music, to read and exercise. I spend more time with my parents than with anyone else on this planet. Premature ageing, but at least this means I get to spend quality time with my parents. Its nice to hang out with people who are definitely on the same wavelength as you for a change. Expectations are always met, because I have been with them for the past 20 odd years... If anyone is disappointed I guess it would be them. I'm sorry Daddy and Mummy! But even so, all the years have made it a secure relationship that is all nice and comfortable. None tumultuous. Something I need emotionally. 

Rediscovered Madonna. I am in absolute disbelief at what I have been missing out. She is really insanely talented. Her music is so infectious that I found myself singing along in the office. Class 98FM plays Girl Gone Wild often enough that it feels like my personal playlist. Yes, that is the station that my office is tuned into every day, and while the songs are not the latest hits, I guess its unobtrusive enough for us to make calls. Besides, there have been feedback that the background music is nice. Not sure if that is a compliment, because that kind of means that they can hear what we are listening to... Oh well this is barely of my concern. So yes, Madonna. Not all her songs, but a good number are stuff that I wish I had listened to earlier. Interestingly, I think I like the songs that were not covered by Glee? Somehow, sometimes having a choir sing it makes it sound better. Maybe its because you pick the person to fit the song, rather than trying to make yourself fit your song. Do I make sense to you? I think my explanation is relatively pathetic...

Not sure why, but I've started taking an interest in the major fashion houses. By major, I mean fashion houses that have a haute couture show. You cannot get far more major than haute couture, because the clothes are sold in a few hundred thousand dollars, and each is tailored to fit you and come with lifetime guarantees or something. The only thing about haute couture is that you can never wear a dress twice. Not sure how rich people live, but I cannot think about not wearing an article of clothing twice. And my clothes all cost less than $150, tops. One of the main areas that I am looking at are the Asian models that are internationally recognised (feature in haute couture!). Some of them are just breathtakingly gorgeous. Other than one or two, I would not say they are pretty, but they have this quality about them that makes them so beautiful. Charisma? I wonder. I think its harder for Asian models to make it internationally, which might be why the Asian models stand out. Oh well, I shall continue my research into these decadent uncharted seas.

I wish work started earlier, but there is not much that I can do about my reporting time. Quite a waste of my morning, and it makes activities at night rather hard to do. Such an annoying situation and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. Well, I should be doing something to rectify the situation, or at the very least, to improve what I have to accept instead of being a whiny little girl. Will seek an arrangement that is more beneficial.

Not sure of what to blog about... for now. Do I talk about someone who is giving off mixed signals? Do I talk about how depressed I am to realise that the pay for PR people is so deplorable and similar to cheap labour? I need to find an industry that will give me a higher take home pay. Yeah, reading magazines is fun, but fun rarely gives anyone a secure and substantial income. I can toss fun if it means I get to continue enjoying hot water for the rest of my life. Not sure who, or where I got it from, but I have this relatively pragmatic streak in me that will soon evolve into a part of my personality. I need to eat. I like my conveniences. I enjoy being able to spend money on the people I love. Sure, there are ethical and moral considerations. But yeah, they are considerations. Unless I get something more substantial, this is very likely to be the last pure PR job I will do. Not worth my time.

"Good girls don't misbehave, misbehave... But I'm a bad girl anyway..."

List

Playlist

Love You Like A Love Song by Glee

Was asked a question on FormSpring that I found interesting, but didn't want to answer there. It went like this, "What are 5 thing about you that most people don't know?". A wee bit too private for FormSpring, because I'm pretty open about loads of stuff? To the extent that if most people don't know about it, its probably super random or super embarrassing. Keep in mind that I'm from an Asian culture where oversharing is deemed inappropriate most of the time. Anyhow, felt it might be a nice change to the feel of my blog and decided to post!

In no particular order:

1) Hot water baths. I need them to survive. Yes I use to be from an organisation that had me camping out and surviving on cold water for weeks, but that was something like 7 years ago. Nowadays, I cannot live with no hot water. Its a horrible weakness and people are bound to comment about how diva-esque I am but I don't care. I sleep without air-conditioning. I sometimes sleep without the fan even. I usually only shower once a day, unless I'm stinky or sticky. So let me enjoy my wasteful hot water. We all need some creature comfort to remind us of our careful masks of civilisation or veneers of civility. Hot water makes me happy. It makes me feel clean and comfortable. I will probably never willingly go to a place without hot water. I dare you to bring out the pitchforks and judge away.

2) Smells. I've very strong opinions on scents. I adore the scent of Chinese ink! Ink for painting and/or writing? Fantabulous! And certain books, especially library books smell awesome. Fresh food always smells fabulous. Apples too! I like the smell of the sea, and of the air as rain and thunderclouds gather, especially in the night. Clean soil smells good too, but only natural soil and not those that have been pumped full of fertilizer or are processed with something. I utterly abhor the smell of lavender. It is supposed to be a relaxing smell but it just reminds me of something icky and almost spoilt. No idea why but it makes me want to run away. Far far away. Musky male colognes make me want to hurl. No guy who uses a musky cologne will ever get within arms length of me. Repulsive.

3) This is way oversharing, but heck. Strangely enough, I always suffer from ingrown hair. I get them on my arms, my thighs, my calves, my chest... my tummy even! Which is why I don't shave nor wax. I can't to be exact, because it makes things really horrible. I need to exfoliate constantly and all... body maintenance has to be done minimally. Yeah, I manage to get by sheer luck that most of my body hair is superbly thin and not very obvious. But it still happens... Ok this is getting strangely awkward, shall not continue. Moral of the story: I use 3 different types of wash, of which one is an exfoliator. The end.

4) All the guys who have ever confessed to me, and were all subsequently rejected, said they liked me because I was someone "who is reliable and understands my problems". Mistaking me for a surrogate mother/sister or counsellor, is immediate ground for rejection. The fact that they only knew at most half, of my entire lifestyle, was the second reason. All of these people come with really complex backgrounds that I have no mood to go into excruciating detail so... This is about all I will say. What kind of luck do I have to attract those who need Aunt Agony? Grrrrr.

5) I sleep with 2 pillows, a bolster, and a bear. Pooh bear to be exact. Many people have told me that its really childish, not that I really care, but about the soft toy? Its from someone special! Very very special! Its from my 19 year old self, and a birthday present to celebrate graduation from compulsory education. I walked past and fell in love with something that reminded me of the parts of me that I was abandoning to fit in with school and society. So the parts that couldn't stay went into my Pooh. Sad? Pathetic? Stupid? All, and none of the above. 

And there is my list of 5 things that I believe most people do not know about me! More tiring to type than expected, if only because I was trying to think about things that people would like to know that they don't already. I mean who wants to know that my feet are too wide to fit into shoes that are supposed to be my size because of the silly narrow cut? Or about the fact that my hair ties are constantly disappearing on me? Sound more like complaints than anything else. Unless you want to know about my very complex relationship with my office computer that is a Pentium 4 dinosaur that happily alternate between freezing and disconnecting from the internet every few minutes. Goodness...

"Its been said and done, every beautiful thought has been already sung..."

いばら

Playlist

Its Not Right But Its Ok by Glee

Internship starts tomorrow. Sort of decided on what to wear, but my head is in a bit of a mess. I have no idea of what to expect of my job, and the job description is not the most helpful piece of paper around. As I've said, my head is kind of in a mess. The good thing about it all is that work starts at 10am, so I have some time to wake up properly before heading down to work. Not sure if the late start time is a good or bad thing? I foresee myself saying that its ok not to go to bed early because I can wake up later than most, which sort of defeats the purpose of having a late start time. One drawback is that work ends late too, which makes it very difficult for me to have dinner at a normal-ish hour. Unless I eat near work or late, its hard to have dinner with others. Kind of sad as I like having meals with people I like.

Was talking to a friend about my worries and while there was this part of me that knew what she said was true, the fear does not disappear. Discussed stuff like work, a sense of belonging and social pressures... Depressing things that stalk you in the night. Anyway, while I was talking to her, I felt all reinvigorated, but the very moment the conversation lulled, I was almost reduced back to my lump of useless worrying. Your rational self loses all control when confronted with irrational fears, and nothing you say to yourself seems to help. Scary scary feeling. Not like I can force her to talk to me non stop just for my selfish reasons. I guess I really ought to reinforce my mental fortress. 

Went for the L'arc~en~Ciel concert on Saturday. I would have had a really horrible time if I had been all vain and stupid to put on make-up and contacts because I cried four times in the two and a half hours concert. And by cry, I mean cry, not the sniffling-and-teary type, but the bawling-heart-out type. I might have cried out my contacts and had eyeliner running down my face as I cried from disbelief, joy, sadness and all the other hundred and one confused emotions whirling inside. Yeah, I really felt like the spin cycle of an industrial washing machine choked full with emotions. Heart wrenching pain as I might never get to attend another concert of theirs. Joy at being able to hear them live after all these years of wanting to attend a concert. And all the other very complex feelings that will make me sound utterly convoluted if I were to type it all out because everything is all tangled up in my heart and head. The main thing is that the concert was fantastic. I will never ever forget the opening strains of いばらの涙 for the rest of my life. The lame ass joke of pink Merlions for testu by ken. My only grouse is that SISTIC screwed me over, which is why I was not seated at the first sector, aka, the banana range. Shall not continue thinking about such depressing things, it might ruin my happy memory of the concert.

OH. And I think I spent something like five hundred dollars on merchandise and tickets. Half to the the ticket price and the rest to the poster, shirt, CD and bag that I purchased. Was only intending to get the CD and the bag but the post concert high made me part with money at the booth. Horrible lack of self discipline, but I have no regrets. The poster is gorgeous, the bag is pretty cute, the shirt will be for my Pooh to wear when I feel depressed, and the CD is now in my iTunes playlist. Yes, happiness can be derived from money, in particular, purchasing power. So now everyone who reads my blog knows what happened to most of my income from my part time job... And one more thing off my bucket list! Yippee!

Going to head to bed, after all, I do need to work tomorrow. Argh.

"燃え行く体は灰になって奪われても　穢れてなかったなら　その時はあなたが連れて行って　そしてそっと抱いて"

Fix

Playlist

Lies by Big Bang

Took a long break from blogging because I felt that I was turning into some whiny kid who was just venting her pointless displeasure with the world in a written format. Wanted to clear my head and think things through before I put anything else out. One of my better decisions this year in a while I think? Was reading through and I realised everything seemed to be circular and utterly boring. Brain numbingly boring. 

Anyhow, some things have changed over the last month or so? Main differences... No longer working part time as a waitress. Exams are over. My internship starts in about 10days. Finally packed everything properly in my room. New laptop. Nationals won and over. Head is way more messed up than before. Heart on its way to hibernation. Body fat index increased. Life goes on, the way it always has. I'm not much better or worse? I think the main thing that really keeps me wondrous is how I've yet to really come down with a fever. Some sneezing fits, a few coughs and some phlegm now and then, but overall, in good health. Must be the increased fats!

Trying to eradicate my sleep debt. Not as easy as expected, because I need to sleep a minimum of 8 hours to even start depleting the debt. I've something like 30hours to clear, and it hasn't been easy. Not adding to the debt is already hard enough; removing the debt is something that really needs dedication. Sleeping at 11pm and waking after 7pm is the bare minimum, and after about one and a half months of insanely screwed up sleeping habits? Uphill task. But one that needs to be undertaken, because I want better skin, better health and more energy. No matter how good I am at surface acting, I do feel tired, and I can feel that my performance is compromised? Yes, contrary to popular belief, walking around feeling like a vampire/zombie is really not appealing to me. Not much time left before internship starts, so I'm going to do my best to sleep more. Hopefully the internship won't be as horrible as school after Week 8. Brrrr...

Was ecstatic when we won Nationals. Forgot all about how fat I look. Almost forgot how badly my shoulder hurts. Momentarily forgot about my presentations that weekend. Everything that we worked towards, every painful bruise, abrasion and injury... It was all almost worth it. The medal. The trophy. The stage. All ours. Indeed, it was not a hundred percent, but in a competition where everything is comparative, we gave good enough. And I'm happy, because this is a trophy that I have working towards since 3 years ago? If there is one thing that I have come to realise over the years, effort does not necessarily equate to results. Its a combination of luck, skill and effort that contributes to your results. Sad but true. Unfair, but then again, what in this world is truly fair? This will probably be my last cheer competition and I'm really glad I could win something... Its so depressing to not get a trophy after consistent abuse. Oops! And the truth emerges once more.

Am honestly pretty upset with my Japanese language abilities. I have difficulty reading this! I've stopped at a level that is way lower than this, and I've resorted to using kanji to survive. Deplorable, and I am really embarrassed that it has come to this. Its not one or two words that I have difficulty with, but a large majority of the text. Out of my depth and my exam is in about 2 months. I think I have my work cut out for me. Please give me the mental capacity to learn fast and well. I desperately need it if I want to survive the exam and exchange.

Trying, not very hard, to look for new Japanese music to listen to. I've realised I have not heard a single new band since a couple of years ago. Maybe its because Japanese artistes tend to avoid YouTube, which happens to be my main source of music nowadays. Why buy something blindly if I can sample it online? And nothing I've heard so far as been interesting enough for me. I'm not sure if it is because I spent too much time listening to really interesting songs and I've standards that can no longer be easily met. Or maybe its because I'm now looking for a different sound. No matter what it is, I hope I find what I am looking for soon. It sometimes gets boring to listen to songs for four to five years. 

Still lost. Not like I expected to be able to find my way so soon. No longer that upset about it, I guess it has reached this stage where I am just resigned about the fact that this is a process that I need to go through. The scariest thing about no knowing where you want to go, is the fear that every decision you make now is taking you further from where you will want to go. What if the things I choose to do now impede what I want to do in the future? What if I am crippling my potential? All the what ifs in the world combined swimming in my head. I suppose this is what people mean by feeling insecure about the future. Everything before this moment has just been the fear that comes from knowing that you are approaching the edge. Still on solid ground and walking. Its only this moment that you look out there and realise that you need to take flight or you'd plummet to your death. Which is when the numbing fear creeps in and paralysis takes hold. Like in one of those horror movies where the protagonist, or victim, cannot do anything but stand there as the chainsaw/knife/implement of doom approaches. Deer in headlights moment.

Its almost the middle of the year and my posts are only about a tenth of my usual number. Maybe I'm starting to outgrow blogging as well? I wonder...

"When the world crumbles, the only way to survive, is to fly."

Paralysis

Playlist

Cough Syrup by Glee

Everywhere hurts. Breathing hurts. If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away to a fortune that I should have found by now. Groping in the darkness when everyone else can see the light. Self doubt. Self loathing. I have these in bucketfuls. Searching for an answer that isn't evident. Relegated to a corner to watch everyone enjoy their lives. Dark days ahead and I cannot seem to find a way out of this.

Waiting for September. Wanting to get away so badly. Never knew I had such a strong escapist streak in me. I cannot stay home. I do not want to go out. I need to find a place to rest. Constant state of panic. Losing my mind. Breaking apart from the inside and the best part is that the cracks aren't even obvious to most people. Remnants of my pride stop me from asking for help. Some part of me would rather die than to seem weak. But I am weak, and so many people know this. But there is no way I could ever ask for help. 

Do I need a counsellor? I have no idea. When did this start? How bad is my emotional state? How about I tell you that I cannot remember the last time I laughed? Lonely. Scared. And far too proud to do something that could shatter this façade. Why is it that no one seems to understand? Am I the only one who stares at the ceiling at night and cry because she wishes that she would never wake up again? 

No gets to kill myself, no nerve to do something to improve the situation. Falling and even though you know the situation is steadily deteriorating, you're afraid of hurting yourself more if you reached out to grab at something. You're afraid you can't grab hold of anything. You're afraid that even if you were able to grab something, it wouldn't help. Fear everywhere. Paralysis.

How sad it is that I seek affirmation from a fortune cookie application. I want someone, something, somehow, to make things right again. Restore things to how they were before. Wishful thinking? Stuck in a rut and I cannot escape. Not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Best part is that this is me being normal. No hormones to combat, no drama in my life to unravel. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. Shall I douse myself in alcohol? Shall I run until I crash from sheer exhaustion? Insecure. Demons in my head nipping at my heels. 

Head in a whirl. No where to go. Regrets like bitter ashes. Mistakes you don't know you made all back to haunt you. People you never want to see again tumbling out of the woodwork. Pain. Everything hurts. Emotional pain into physical pain and physical pain adds to the emotional pain. Where are we going? Circular. Cannot get out. Mood? State of mind. Perspectives change and people leave. Loveless. Heartless. Wishing I was a void. Sleepless nights and fitful nights and nights that never seem to end. And sometimes I hope morning never comes. One more time. Keep going. Nowhere to run. Run.

"A dark world aches for a splash of the sun."

Request

Playlist

Glad You Came by Glee Cast (Warblers)

Feeling a bit depressed again recently. The problem of finding my role in life never did went away, and now its back in full force to bludgeon me for not working harder to find a place that I can belong. Its really painful, because I recently feel too insecure to be able to survive on my own. I need a larger purpose. Breathing, eating and sleeping has ceased to be sufficient motivation to wake up in the morning.What I am scared of is the day I decide it's been too long since I had a goal... And I just give up on everything. If I'm like this when I'm drifting, I wonder what I will be like when I'm devastated. Maybe its a good thing I've always found something to cling on to at the final moment. This is me praying that a similar minor miracle occurs once more. And every single time when I'm looking for somewhere to go.

Application for exchange and Nationals is coming up again. Application is horrible, because I need to get a professor to write me a reference letter. Sounds easy enough for most of the human population in a university, but if there is one thing that I am most horrid at, it is asking for favours. Especially favours that I cannot repay. And asking for a reference letter lands smack into this category. I mean, how in the world do I convince someone to write me a reference if there is nothing in it for them? And it is not as if I have done a lot for that professor that they should write for me? And this just drives home my feelings of inadequacy and makes me feel like a stupid idiot for even hoping that people will bother about me. Every day that I do not get a response is like... Being stabbed. Every time I check my inbox, there is a sense of fear, because every moment that I do not see a response is further confirmation that I am nothing but chopped liver to these people. And I cannot avoid this, because it is a prerequisite. The rapidly approaching deadline makes me wince in despair. Its never good to know that you're not loved. I am such a failure as a student.

The only thing that I would proudly boast as my strength would be my ability to organise my life such that, even when I'm drifting, I have something to keep me going. Not that these are good substitutes for knowing what I should do, but at least I've a way to keep progressing. I cannot really turn to anyone for help, because this is a problem that I need to resolve on my own if I want to grow up. I cannot rely on others to resolve my issues, much like how I cannot do away with problems for others. There are some battles that can only be fought on my own, and I think this is one of them.

一片昏乱。 完全不知道自己在干嘛，不知道我要的是什么。总而言之就是人生乱得无法自拔。有能救我的人吗？若现在能遇到你，感激不尽。

Fighting a losing war with myself. Being depressed is horrid. Sigh.

"Request for assistance."

Overshare

Playlist

Episode 0 by Gackt

Earworm was originally Adele, so I decided that I should change it to something less evidently emo and listen to something more... Inspirational. Not exactly the most encouraging song, but Gackt is always worth 4 minutes of my life. 

Feeling a bit depressed. Might be due to the fact that my period is coming (yes I am oversharing), and I am hungry (still slightly oversharing), and I feel like I am barely well-regarded by the people around me. And no, I have been feeling this way for a couple of days. I will admit that up to about 20% of this negativity might be due to my hormonal imbalance, but I honestly doubt all of it is unwarranted.

I am quite tired of being the security blanket. A stupid role to play, because all you ever get are the unbearably depressing collection of stories from everyone. I'm not the girl people go to if they want a party. I'm not the girl people go to if they want to share happiness. I'm the one they go to when their world is a-crashing and they need to offload angst and depression. I'm the one who offers hugs and tissues. I'm the one people discuss existential questions with. I'm the one who gives support and encouragement when people are lost and weary... 

Three simple reasons why I'm irritated:

1) One person is fine. Two people, still manageable. But when virtually ALL my friends use me as a touchstone? Hello, you people hardly ever share with me ANY good news. I only know about your boyfriend when you're about to break up. I only know what classes you take when you start complaining. I only know where you work when you tell me how your boss is an ass. What am I? An emotional dustbin? Can't you ever share anything happy? Oh wait, my name is synonymous with 'personal counsellor'.

2) Who the fuck listens to me when I'm falling apart? Who the shit hugs me and doesn't judge when I'm ranting? Who in hell has been my pillar of support? I'll tell you who, MYSELF. Whenever I'm crumbling, people around me run like the plague is upon them. You people make that face betrays what's in your head, you saying "OMG why the hell is she crying can she stop I don't know what to do GETAWAY GETAWAY!". I'm human, I'm fallible. I'm useless if I can't stand on my own? Let's see you stand on your own. Every single time. I feel sad, I hug Pooh and cry to sleep. I feel angry, I plaster a smile to my face and spend all my energy flouncing around. I feel lonely, I read until my eyes can't keep open and fall asleep. Does this sound like the lifestyle of a happy person?

3) People say I'm cruel. Me? Cruel? Excuse me, who called and spoke to you on the phone for 2 hours when you wanted to kill yourself? Who is always the first person to send an encouraging SMS? Who follows up after every upsetting incident and always pushes you forward? Ungrateful brats.

I think it is plenty obvious that I am tired of being Aunt Agony. I'm not paid. No one ever pays back the favour. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't have a chalkboard in my head to keep score. I know how many times I've done special things just to make you happier. I know how many times I've played counsellor. And I know how many times you've stabbed me, over and over again, the very moment you feel slightly better. Too many times. The people who I owe favours number on one hand, and my family makes up the bulk of it. The people reading this? As long as you're a friend, you're super likely to owe me big time. I dare you to ask me how huge your debt is. Ask me, and brace for my smirk as I tell you you'd probably never pay it back. Because its become such that I won't show my weaknesses to people again. 

So yeah, I'd grind salt into wounds, because I'm in pain, and there's no way I can get out of it. Hurt all over and healed badly such that I'm not capable of not being mean to people who matter anymore. Which is expected, because the people who matter to me are the very same people who make use of me when I'm hurt and toss me in a corner when they're fine. I am not a first aid kit.

最近一直有着搬出去住的念头。可能是六月自己在日本呆的那段日子实在太棒了？自由的活着，偶尔与亲戚朋友沟通，每天过得非常愉快。没有实现别人的愿望的压力，不必为他人着想， 活在自己步伐的日子真的蛮轻松蛮舒服。在日本玩得太痛快，回来变得无精打采，稍微不习惯这里的日常生活方式。很想回去。一定会想办法回去。而可能性以外的还蛮高的。我不多说了，锁定了才透漏。这样才能过得比较精彩吗。有点臭屁吧？不管了，这是我的人生，就由我决定方向。

I'll find my way to live my life. Without you if its not fated to be. I'll do the things I want, at my pace. After all, since no one will love me the way I need to be love, I might as well love myself and ignore the people who won't. Why waste my life away in sorrow?

"この両手で守り切るには/裏切る言葉が多過ぎて/いつぞや 見た愛を信じ/刹那を生き抜きたい"

Grin

Playlist

Its Not Unusual by Glee Cast

Almost Valentine's Day. And I started thinking about my relationships with he various people in my life. It started with the people who are the most distant from me, and why I'm still happily single at this stage in my life. Went on to my distant friends, and I thought about how they became these near strangers. Close friends next, and I was wondering how and why I've kept up the relationship. Family was the last, and the only overarching feeling I have is of immense gratitude to my parents for always being there to make fun of me and feed me milk with cereal.

 Introspection leads to very depressing thoughts. Which is why I try hard to work myself to the extent that I don't have excess brain power to process philosophical thoughts above self worth and all that jazz. Even if I do, I try to blog it out to work it out of my system so I don't start deflating. Someone asked me why I always try so hard to be happy. I will admit the first thing that went through my head was " Are you daft? Why the hell wouldn't you try to be happy?!" Obviously it was not so eloquent and polite, but... Yeah you get the idea. I asked her why, and she told me she just accepts the fact that life isn't always happy and just accepts that her mood is so. That she is usually in a 'neutral' mood, and rarely happy or unhappy. And that she lives life like this every day and thinks that its how life is... Makes me pity her. 

Thing is, I understand. I really do understand what it is that she means. I used to think that accepting what life is like was the mark of someone that is mature and, although a bit depressing, something that I should work towards. After a while, however, I think I've moved towards a state of mind where I think we need to know when to give up and when to fight on. And happiness is something that I believe is worth fighting for. I don't want to regret living in this world, and I especially don't want to look back and think that I could have chosen to spent my days in a more enjoyable manner.

努力的跟自己奋斗着。不想败给烦恼，不想输给不安。变勇敢并不容易，变坚强更困难。偶尔会觉得趋弱的自己超讨厌，丑透了。可是这也是我的一部分，而懂得爱自己的弱点是学自爱的条件之一。想的太多与想的太少的人正在自讨苦吃，但怎能想得恰当呢？怎能让自己更有自信更喜欢自己？有过痛苦想爱自己却无法成功的经验，也有不明白为何不会自爱的时候。唉，做人好辛苦。下辈子当个无大脑而不知感情的水母算了。

Trying hard to exercise more often. Running, cheer and just more static exercises to increase my strength. For Nationals? For fitness? For my reputation? Strong is the new sexy and all? Not really, but I think I am tired of feeling weak. And I tend to work out more when I feel insecure? I dress better too, and worry about my hair and skin and everything. Its always super obvious when I feel horrid, because I try very hard to keep a smile on my face and dress to impress. Some people say this is my 'vain' tendencies emerging, but I call it armouring myself. Life is cruel, society is vicious, and I need all the protection I can get. Look neat, look sharp, look gorgeous so that people will be intimidated and avoid messing around with you. Cultivate an aura of glamourous inaccessibility so that you won't get hurt when people leave you and choose others over you. Smile, wave, make small talk, give cold hugs. Be chirpy, energetic, enthusiastic, and absolutely friendly. In short, toss all your insecurities out of the window and schmooze. And inside, its a cold, hard, unfeeling place. Your world spins, you barely feel your fingers, and your inner monologue is nothing like whatever is tumbling out of your mouth. Feeling lonely? Crying inside? Need a hug? Shut that part down. No emotions here! Grin and bear it babe, because life is tough and the weak becomes roadkill and dinner for the strong.

"And high up above or down below/ When you're too in love to let it go/ But if you never try you'll never know/ Just what you're worth"

Control

Playlist

Ready Or Not by Shinee

February soon. Another month gone, and its about a year before I file for graduation. The horror. It only hit me sometime, last week? That I have been in this school for near three years and my time is almost up. 16 years in the Singapore education system, and the thought of searching for employment feels like a punch in the gut. And here, I will shamelessly admit that I am afraid. The fear that everything I've learnt so far is nowhere sufficient to allow me to safely embark on my career. That the job I'm at is horrible and I feel like killing myself every morning. So many concerns, the least of which is whether I'll be able to earn enough to feed my family. That, and the fact that I am still single and, more often then not, glamorously unavailable. Not because I am truly unavailable, but because I really do not bother to get to know more people. And I'm the type of girl guys avoid, because I am too much 'like a girl' yet 'ungirly'. No idea what these very brilliant boys have in mind, because I can't comprehend head nor tail of what they are trying to get at. So I have very accidentally crafted an image of inaccessibility and independence. As a Corporate Communications major, I feel sad to say that I have almost absolutely no control over my self image. Not sure how I am going to work in the future with my current inadequacy...

If there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that I am not the least bit strong. I, like every other person, get swayed by insincere lies. I fall victim to my biases and get preyed on by vicious people who are out to be mean and sabotage others. I complain and whine and make a lot of noises associated with the weak and useless. And there are some things in life that I cannot fight against. Nevertheless, I think I deserve marks for always making a conscious effort to try. Yeah I have failed, and I have given up prematurely, but I am of the belief that no matter if effort does not equate to result, the fact that you gave yourself a chance is sufficient grounds to applaud. After all, not all of us have nerves of steel and cast iron determination. I for one, do not, and while I will work hard not to deprive myself of an opportunity, I am not about to take masochistic pleasure of making my journey in life exceptionally difficult.

还在想着自己要的到底是什么。我可是不能一直无畏的追着某种远方的幻觉吧？不知不觉中便闭着眼睛走到了尽头，现在必须选新的道路了。无法避免的事实，而现实世界就是如此残酷。 管你有没心理准备，时间一到你只能前进， 否侧必须面对社会上的批评。感情？人情？在这无比现实的社会理，只有失败品与成功者。你要站在哪边呢？

What are you prepared to do to get what you want to achieve? What are your aims and goals worth to you? And the most important question, what are you worth? Principles, rules, limits... these are all concepts. What matters is what you are made of, and what you will withstand and stand for. How far will you push others, how far will you let others push you, how far will you push yourself. So many questions with no apparent nor easy answers. I think all these are things that we only find out over time, over trials and tribulations that life throws you, and through holes that you bury yourself in. Maybe this is what makes you a 'person'. So many things to consider, so much so that living and breathing is filled with decision variables. Ah, if only there was a walk through for life. I think the person who writes such a thing would be a billionaire many times over...

"Smile."

Place

Playlist

Airbag by Tablo

Lunar New Year has come and gone, and the workload from school is beginning to take its toil on me. My hours are still alright, but the sheer amount of readings that I need to do is scary. Three books worth of catching up, and this does not include the amount of work that I need to do and submit. Its a slow accumulation of work that never seems to go away. Best part is that it is only Week 3 and I'm beginning to drown. This is the earliest that I have ever experienced the pressure. And this is from all four of my modules. Not one, but all four. Finance is killer in ways that I expected, mainly being unbelievably difficult and confusing. Corporate communication classes requires a LOT of preparation and analysis of issues, because air time is very important. None of them are light, which might be because they are all Level 3 classes which hint at the sheer amount of work that needs to be done if I want to pass. Gonna keep fighting, so I guess I am alright for now. I think my professors will come to hate me for constantly knocking on their door for consultations, but I believe it is necessary. Self learning? A joke unless you're really intelligent. This is the reality of higher education.

Its end January, and I have yet to see a proper cheer routine from my group. Sort of given up hope, sort of resigned, sort of no longer interested. There are too many fires to fight in my life to waste time depressed about how no one seems to be sufficiently committed to make our trophy dream possible. I do not blame people for having different priorities, its just part of the way the world works. Everyone is different. Clubbing may be a priority because she wants a boyfriend. Spending time with her boyfriend may be a priority because she's afraid he will leave her. Training may be a priority because its the only time she has an excuse to see him. Different people, different goals, and its fine. I have my own life to lead and my own things to achieve. Time spent away from the mats can be invested in work, relaxation, studies and pursuit of other activities. Nothing to cry over. Nothing will disappoint if you don't have expectations to begin with.

郁闷的过着每一天。有时会觉得是自己活得太幸福太快乐所以会有这种多余的想法。若连三餐都吃不饱，睡得不好，一定不会有多余的精力来想这种没用的想法。应该吃多点苦，才会对现在的生活方式感到感激不尽，而不会怨东怨西，对人生感到不满。这样的我跟那些讨厌的千金公主殿下有何分别？吃好住好便开始活得如此舍此，浪费着时间和人生的无畏追着唯物主义的生活方式。的确，我对名牌衣服包包鞋子并不这么感兴趣，可是我可够挑食贪吃，也偏爱选昂贵的名食。经常觉得自己好奸好惹人厌。满嘴的大道理，但到了紧要关头却懦弱起来，真是可悲透了。有时会觉得我这种人该从这世上消失算了。又没什么贡献却一直引起麻烦事来，没救的人渣败类。

I find it rather amusing how things in Chinese differ so much from that in English. I find Chinese a far more succinct language, with so many concepts squished into one word, where English needs an entire string of words to convey one idea. And Chinese with its proverbs and sayings... I remember being awfully amused by how English had about four pages of proverbs to learn, when Chinese has dictionaries worth of them. Never managed to learn everything, not like there was a need to. Its so easy to pick it up and to infer meanings from the words alone. None of it cliched and all of it had a cute little story behind it to slam the knowledge into your long term memory. Of course some say that English requires less rod memorisation, but I've always found Chinese far too interesting to ever be JUST memory work. Maybe I'm lucky because my parents were keen to introduce me to other parts of the language that made it fun and relevant even in a country that functions in English. I love Chinese, I love its culture, and I think, if I could, I would go back to Chinese classes. Super sad that my school does not have anything other than Introduction to Chinese. Oh well...

Shall think of happy thoughts! Like how the smell of sun block reminds me of Japan, JENESYS and Osaka. Like how good it feels to run with my hair streaming behind me and my legs moving me forward. Like how comforting it is to wake up all toasty because of the sun coming in through the curtains. Like how a hot shower makes every sad thing disappear immediately. Like how yummy milk and cereal is at night when you're sleepy and hungry. Like how its so fun to laugh until I'm dizzy. Life is good, no matter how painful it can be.

"Shine a light through an open door/ Love and life I will divide/ Turn away cause I need you more/ Feel the heartbeat in my mind"

Return

Playlist

Somebody Else by Se7en

Never really a Se7en fan, but this song is pretty decent? Not one of the songs that you quickly forget after a while but those that stick in your head and sometimes pops out to annoy you. One of those. Which is good, because Se7en really needs something to boost his career. I'm all for good music in the world, because I believe everyone needs something to listen to when they are in one of those moods...

Technically, its the Lunar New Year season, which only goes to show how very long it has been since I last posted. I think it might be due to my pretty packed schedule. 4 modules, Nationals and a part time job is no joke. I know I was asking for it, so I am not complaining per se? Just a bit tired, and feeling sad that I no longer have the time to write lengthy posts to tell everyone more about my life. Not that there are that many people reading, but still... I like writing. Was just playing with the idea of posts in Chinese. Ok, maybe that is a wee bit ambitious, so maybe a paragraph at a time? Until I am certain that I can type coherent sentences in Chinese. Correction, coherent sentences that don't read like a 10 year old wrote it. Yeah. Aiming for that. Let's hope I am not biting off more than I can possibly chew.

最近又变得一点累了。总是在做相同的东西，日子过得相当难过。水母般的飘浮虽看起来蛮自由自在，但长久以来可是非常累人的。没有停息的地方是件相当痛苦的事。可能因为这样，自己好像喜欢上了不应该喜欢的人。明明知道他有多损却依然喜欢上他的我，感觉上可比他笨很多。已经认识了一段时间。从有女朋友到单身又有女朋友到又单身到又一次有女朋友而现在单身，这整段时间都一直有种认识。觉得他身材不错，人也蛮聪明，肯用功努力，就是他的态度遭透了。一个星期内可以跟两三个不同的女生搞关系， 吸烟喝酒的量度也有点恐怖。 很极端的人儿，认识我的人应该知道他是谁吧，而他也不是我一般上喜欢的菜色。所以我觉得我这辈子应该永远不会有什么进展？ 两个人实在是有太大的差别了。他也曾经说过，他喜欢我的原因是我永远不会被他的花言巧语给骗了，而我是他唯一能单纯的只有友情关系的女性朋友。这样的关系害我现在觉得有点困惑。我不知道自己是因为太闷了而对坏男生感兴趣，还是就是喜欢他？没有答案的问题。

That was not too difficult? Although I am certain that one day in the future, I am going to look back and laugh at my horrid Chinese. Not bad for someone who has not been writing anything in Chinese for the past few years. Excuses, and I'll work harder at this. No matter how many mean jokes about how I look like a country bumpkin from rural China that I get, I want to make sure that no one will ever feel that my language abilities are pathetic. It makes me mad and angry when they tease me, but I'm going to work at it. My appearance is not a reason for me to avoid the language. Never gonna be able to run away from this part, so I might as well make the best of everything. Being able to passively read is fun, but I want to be more actively engaged. Surrounding myself in English is easy, and life isn't exciting if its too easy. So as per my usual style, I'm gonna ramp things up and push myself to the limit. Until the day that I can't go anymore, I want to live a life that makes me feel proud of myself for doing things that seemed impossible. I want to be able to laugh at my previous fears of inadequacy and hug my new self with confidence.

In some strange way, I know that I will never be able to find someone who loves me as much as I love myself. If I did, maybe the way I see the world will change, but until that day comes, I think I will do all I can to be someone that I will always be able to be proud of. I want to never hesitate when asked if I love myself. I want to always be able to love myself for all my idiosyncrasies and quirks. I want to be able to be happy being me.

"This is not a payback. This is my return."