Bones

Playlist

Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

The benefits of listening to the radio for the entire workday: You know when there is a new English song. And it tries to fill in the awkward silence that arrives when the boss enters the room, where everyone is dreading the moment where she addresses you. Things are far more peaceful when she is not around, but I guess its no good when your boss is constantly absent.

I think I am not getting enough sleep. My face is sort of showing it, with more pimples and no longer nice and smooth. Either that or the facial lady overdid something and my poor face is reacting to the abuse. One of the things I hate about facials is that you never really know if the therapist actually knows what the hell she is doing. Many would tell me that I should not scrimp on my face, but I really do not see a need to pay hundreds of dollars for each treatment. Yes my face is worth a lot, but paying more does not guarantee better service? Especially in a service industry which offers personalised treatments... My complexion changes depending on my lifestyle and hormones. Are you telling me that going to see the therapist once a month is going to give me good skin for a while? I don't need decent skin; I can achieve that on my own. I want good skin. The kind where foundation is barely necessary. That is what I want. Contact me if you think you can deliver that consistently, because with my current facial place, if I pay greater attention to my skin, it barely makes a difference.

Not too happy with my grades. It has increased, but by the pathetic and relatively insignificant 0.05. I know that I am not putting in sufficient effort to memorise, and I cannot really fault anyone but myself, but still... A very annoying feeling. Was hoping to graduate with a Merit Award at least, but seems like all I can get will be a pathetic Pass. Yes I am not as academically brilliant as I once was, partially because of my lack of love for what I am doing. Not like love will make a big difference to my grades at this point in time. All I can hope is that I do not screw things up so badly that my GPA plummets. 4 Cs in university. I am such a horrible student. In the most ridiculous subjects, and mostly picked up in one semester too. Believe me, I am as incredulous as you are. How the once mighty have fallen. Where A grades agglomerated like flies around a rotting corpse, I am now struggling to fish out As from my dying brain.

Trying to study for the Japanese exam that is next week and failing to do so quite horribly. Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, is going into my memory. Not enough practice and exposure, both areas that are pretty difficult to tackle at this point in time. I tried having a Japanese penpal, but my schedule is evidently not particularly conducive to letter writing. I need something like an hour of uninterrupted time to wring all the Japanese sentence structures that I know out of of my head. Time that is not easily attained with my long, and very strange, work hours and dire need for 8 hours every night. Weekends are spent doing laundry and chores and trying to reclaim a semblance of a life. Exercise is squished into every available time slot. Food is wolfed down, baths hurried affairs. I have not had the time to read a proper chapter of manga since work began. Yes things are this bad. I really wonder at how people who live far from work survive. As I am, I am barely scraping by, and I don't even have any form of nightlife!

I apologise for the post, it seems like I have given in to complaining. Again. And here I keep telling myself to be less of a whiny little brat and to think things through properly before writing it all out. Sigh, I shall resign myself to the fact that I am a lazy ass choosing the easy way out. Well, hopefully I will have something more interesting to post come after Saturday?  Going out with someone that I thought I would never go out with, so I think there will be quite a few things to reflect on. So yes, I expect the next post here to be on Sunday at the very earliest. I'll update the other side soon, probably sometime on Thursday or Friday, depending on how much time I have on hand. Its good to be blogging again, because I am sick and tired of reading the blogs of others. Strange right? call me an egoistic bitch, but I prefer looking at a wall of text. Better than a battalion of pictures of pouty mouthed, overexposed over-saturated faces anyway. Are people such curious idiots? I really wonder anyone would regularly read those blogs... I get bored after the third camwhore photo and cannot wait to get out of the site. Deathly boring.

I need sleep as I have to be on time for work tomorrow. Eek! Good night!

"Stuck in reverse..."

Scrub

Playlist

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I will be the first to say that I am not a huge fan of Nicki Minaj, and that I found the MV hilariously ridiculous, but I will admit that I think this song is crazy inspiring and addictive. I think she is a fan of jeremy Scott, and I think she is insane for putting everything Jeremy Scott together in one singular outfit. One statement piece is enough but well, she is a celebrity and her job is to make people stare at her stunned, which is something she accomplishes with zero difficulty.

In a pretty good mood because I just cleaned most of my house. Scrubbed the bathroom until everything was gleaming and was happy to see it all sparkly clean. Yes, cleanliness is next to godliness, and to someone like me who does not subscribe to a religion, cleanliness is my mad love. Of course I am not always insane about scrubbing and cleaning. I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder; I am just a little bit more of a neat freak than most people my age. Its mainly just when the mood hits, when I want to remove every speck of dust I can see and make sure that everything around me is all pretty and gleaming. Generally, I cannot work in a messy place, so I tend to accumulate things and dirt to my limit before getting down to business. I'm the kind of person who will do the laundry when its a hot day, do ironing if its a cool day, and everything else whenever I have spare time. Due to the nature of my job, it has become such that I can only do the cleaning on weekends. The timing on weekdays is far too peculiar to be conducive for household chores.

Maybe because I've spent most of my life without a helper, and I've gotten used to the fact that chores are usually split 4 ways, that I wonder how I will ever have my own family. In my family, most of us do our own dishes, unless its a full meal where my mum and I do the cleaning up. Laundry is usually done by myself or my mother, unless its an item that needs handwashing, which is then done by whomever that item belongs to. Plants watered, heavy lifting, electrical maintenance, paintwork and repairs are done by my dad. Once a week we do a generic house cleaning, with the house divided into 4 and each with their own segment to clean. In a way, while our household is still very much like the traditional Asian family where the women do most of the work, at least the guys play a role? I can barely think of anyone with a dad who vacuums and wipes the floor every week.

I think I am capable of living alone quite well. Spent almost a month, in the States and Taiwan combined, and spent 6 weeks in Japan on my own. Did my laundry, cleaned my room and all. Since I will probably now spend 6 months on exchange, my main concerns are whether there is a vacuum cleaner in the hostel and the name of the Japanese equivalent for Jif. I hope that someone comes in once every couple of weeks to clean the toilets, because it is going to be insanely difficult to find toilet brushes and water sweepers in a foreign country. If the floor is carpeted, I'll probably need to think of a way to find a vacuum cleaner. Kind of hoping that the floor is not, so I can at least wipe it clean. Otherwise, if the hostel is old, I think I will do my best to never touch the floor with any clean item. I'll also need a kettle, I wonder if there will be a hot water flask, and I am sorely tempted to bring my hair dryer along.

Was just informed of my failure to attain the JASSO scholarship. Which means I have to try harder for the scholarship offered by my school. Very unlikely to get it as my family is not poor and I am not a Dean's lister. As I have mentioned previously, one of the most painful things about my life is that I'm average and mediocre. I fall through the cracks, because I am not poor enough to get charity money, and I am not smart enough to get scholarships. I am not rich enough to afford the things I want, and I am not stupid enough to be turned down. Stuck in limbo. I need a business angel right about now. Will settle for a sugar daddy or mummy either. I feel horrid asking my parents to pay for my education overseas, but I want it badly enough to apply after rejecting it the first year. What does that say about me I wonder? I do not want to spend ten thousand dollars in a foreign land for a sham of a exchange. I know the classes will be alright, and I know I will do work and be a good girl. But I wonder about the true motivation behind my trip. Something drives me and I wonder if it is just a whim, because this is something that I have wanted to do since I was seventeen. Whims are passing fancies. 5 years, on most counts, are not passing fancies.

Work is taking up a lot of time, but I am slowly getting hold of my schedule. Going for runs now and then, movies with friends here and there, dinner and the odd lunch date with people I want to keep in contact with. After a while, there is a trend and I suppose I am coping relatively well? Most of my work related angst goes to my other blog so I shall keep this area as neutral as possible. Quite a good avenue to put everything down and helps maintain sanity. In many ways, I wonder what I will be like after 10 more weeks. It has only been 3 weeks and I have begun to notice slight differences in the way I do things. Journey of self discovery... Where will I go from here?

"夜が来た 目覚ましな..."

Biology

Playlist

Girls Gone Wild by Madonna

I usually try not to blog when I feel that my objectivity is compromised by more than 50%. I mean, while I am entitled to my own opinion, I believe in the sanctity of freedom of speech and I try not to abuse this privilege. Some may feel that freedom of speech is a basic human right but I beg to differ. An argument for another day, because I want to get to the heart of what I am trying to say.

This is a topic that I am definitely biased in, and I am talking about PMS. Or whatever variation of it that afflicts most of the female humans on this planet. No two person will have the exact same experience, although I am told that many females are far grouchier in the days leading up to menstruation, and during their period itself. Now considering that most normal females will have a 28 day cycle, a few really unfortunate individuals will seem to be in a bad mood for something like 12 days out of the 31 days of the average month.

I will not insist that there are no mood changes for females, I mean, I've noticed it among friends. What I am saying, is that people, especially males who never have to go through this biological process, ought to be more understanding. So what if your mother/wife/girlfriend/friend is a little moody? You either associate or disassociate. If their non-moody personality is not enough to counter their moody self, then find someone else. Don't proudly proclaim on the bloody train that "all females are stupid and emotional" because of PMS, and that you "will never understand why must they be so angry". We know its a really annoying biological function that impedes our daily lives, we don't need the constant sarcasm and numerous reminders from you!

Think of it this way, for something like a week, which is 7 days, and approximately 168 hours, we are discharging old blood. It is a non-stop process. All the time. While you are asleep. Awake. Reading a book. Watching TV. Walking to the bus stop. And it is not always a painless process as there is constriction and cramps and water retention and this general feeling of being supremely bloated... The list never ends. There is also a general spike in body temperatures. Put all these together, and you get a bunch of people who are not only in discomfort, they feel downright horrible. Of course, some lucky people will never get a cramp as long as they live, but those individuals are as common as people who are skinny naturally, which is not common at ALL. 

And then your hormones are in a mess as your body is transitioning from fertile to infertile and then back to fertile. Think of it as spring cleaning that takes a week and is done every month. How often do you spring clean? In fact, when was the last time the average young adult cleaned their room, much less the entire house? How much effort does that take? Well, menstruation is the biological equivalent. And you wonder why girls are grouchy. Wouldn't you be as well? As I mentioned, this is something that I am biased about, but I sincerely doubt that you can find anyone who is completely neutral about it. Not that I am bothered enough by my lack of objectivity in this subject to seek a second opinion.

And tomorrow will officially be my second week at work. Not sure what my boss thinks of me, but I hope its something positive. I have yet to screw up, and I hope I never do. A little behind time on one aspect, but its alright, because I intend to pace myself. Being too awesome will probably make her have higher expectations of me and all that. That does not mean I will try to mess things up, but I will not be giving 100% anytime soon. How should I say this? Perhaps I do not see myself staying in the company, but the main reason is that I do not see a long term benefit if I'm hugely efficient and amazing from the get-go. There are some areas where I still have much time to learn, and it would not help if my boss was to raise the bar unnecessarily. How selfish I am right?

Almost a non-existent social life so I do not have much to add. Unlikely that I will have the opportunity to meet anyone new to socialise with anytime soon. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a young adult. I seem to live like some old lady at times. I wake up, shower and clean up, have breakfast, change and go to work. Lunch, more work, before I end at 7pm. After that its either Japanese study session with Athen, gym/run or a stay at home and rest day. Weekends are spent lazing, packing the house, and running errands. Boring and relaxing and a wee bit creepy how at the grand old age of 22, I am living like this. Which might be why I often feel there is no space in my life for someone special. Oh wells.

I shall head to bed after watching Glee!

"Like a dream come alive, incredible..."

Spinning

Playlist

Payphone by Maroon 5

Near the end of the week and I am not too tired? The inertia from Monday has passed and I'm rather indifferent to the work I have to do. Single and lacking friends means I have more free time than expected. Was a wee bit upset about my friend-less status a while back but I guess it happens. More time to listen to music, to read and exercise. I spend more time with my parents than with anyone else on this planet. Premature ageing, but at least this means I get to spend quality time with my parents. Its nice to hang out with people who are definitely on the same wavelength as you for a change. Expectations are always met, because I have been with them for the past 20 odd years... If anyone is disappointed I guess it would be them. I'm sorry Daddy and Mummy! But even so, all the years have made it a secure relationship that is all nice and comfortable. None tumultuous. Something I need emotionally. 

Rediscovered Madonna. I am in absolute disbelief at what I have been missing out. She is really insanely talented. Her music is so infectious that I found myself singing along in the office. Class 98FM plays Girl Gone Wild often enough that it feels like my personal playlist. Yes, that is the station that my office is tuned into every day, and while the songs are not the latest hits, I guess its unobtrusive enough for us to make calls. Besides, there have been feedback that the background music is nice. Not sure if that is a compliment, because that kind of means that they can hear what we are listening to... Oh well this is barely of my concern. So yes, Madonna. Not all her songs, but a good number are stuff that I wish I had listened to earlier. Interestingly, I think I like the songs that were not covered by Glee? Somehow, sometimes having a choir sing it makes it sound better. Maybe its because you pick the person to fit the song, rather than trying to make yourself fit your song. Do I make sense to you? I think my explanation is relatively pathetic...

Not sure why, but I've started taking an interest in the major fashion houses. By major, I mean fashion houses that have a haute couture show. You cannot get far more major than haute couture, because the clothes are sold in a few hundred thousand dollars, and each is tailored to fit you and come with lifetime guarantees or something. The only thing about haute couture is that you can never wear a dress twice. Not sure how rich people live, but I cannot think about not wearing an article of clothing twice. And my clothes all cost less than $150, tops. One of the main areas that I am looking at are the Asian models that are internationally recognised (feature in haute couture!). Some of them are just breathtakingly gorgeous. Other than one or two, I would not say they are pretty, but they have this quality about them that makes them so beautiful. Charisma? I wonder. I think its harder for Asian models to make it internationally, which might be why the Asian models stand out. Oh well, I shall continue my research into these decadent uncharted seas.

I wish work started earlier, but there is not much that I can do about my reporting time. Quite a waste of my morning, and it makes activities at night rather hard to do. Such an annoying situation and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. Well, I should be doing something to rectify the situation, or at the very least, to improve what I have to accept instead of being a whiny little girl. Will seek an arrangement that is more beneficial.

Not sure of what to blog about... for now. Do I talk about someone who is giving off mixed signals? Do I talk about how depressed I am to realise that the pay for PR people is so deplorable and similar to cheap labour? I need to find an industry that will give me a higher take home pay. Yeah, reading magazines is fun, but fun rarely gives anyone a secure and substantial income. I can toss fun if it means I get to continue enjoying hot water for the rest of my life. Not sure who, or where I got it from, but I have this relatively pragmatic streak in me that will soon evolve into a part of my personality. I need to eat. I like my conveniences. I enjoy being able to spend money on the people I love. Sure, there are ethical and moral considerations. But yeah, they are considerations. Unless I get something more substantial, this is very likely to be the last pure PR job I will do. Not worth my time.

"Good girls don't misbehave, misbehave... But I'm a bad girl anyway..."

List

Playlist

Love You Like A Love Song by Glee

Was asked a question on FormSpring that I found interesting, but didn't want to answer there. It went like this, "What are 5 thing about you that most people don't know?". A wee bit too private for FormSpring, because I'm pretty open about loads of stuff? To the extent that if most people don't know about it, its probably super random or super embarrassing. Keep in mind that I'm from an Asian culture where oversharing is deemed inappropriate most of the time. Anyhow, felt it might be a nice change to the feel of my blog and decided to post!

In no particular order:

1) Hot water baths. I need them to survive. Yes I use to be from an organisation that had me camping out and surviving on cold water for weeks, but that was something like 7 years ago. Nowadays, I cannot live with no hot water. Its a horrible weakness and people are bound to comment about how diva-esque I am but I don't care. I sleep without air-conditioning. I sometimes sleep without the fan even. I usually only shower once a day, unless I'm stinky or sticky. So let me enjoy my wasteful hot water. We all need some creature comfort to remind us of our careful masks of civilisation or veneers of civility. Hot water makes me happy. It makes me feel clean and comfortable. I will probably never willingly go to a place without hot water. I dare you to bring out the pitchforks and judge away.

2) Smells. I've very strong opinions on scents. I adore the scent of Chinese ink! Ink for painting and/or writing? Fantabulous! And certain books, especially library books smell awesome. Fresh food always smells fabulous. Apples too! I like the smell of the sea, and of the air as rain and thunderclouds gather, especially in the night. Clean soil smells good too, but only natural soil and not those that have been pumped full of fertilizer or are processed with something. I utterly abhor the smell of lavender. It is supposed to be a relaxing smell but it just reminds me of something icky and almost spoilt. No idea why but it makes me want to run away. Far far away. Musky male colognes make me want to hurl. No guy who uses a musky cologne will ever get within arms length of me. Repulsive.

3) This is way oversharing, but heck. Strangely enough, I always suffer from ingrown hair. I get them on my arms, my thighs, my calves, my chest... my tummy even! Which is why I don't shave nor wax. I can't to be exact, because it makes things really horrible. I need to exfoliate constantly and all... body maintenance has to be done minimally. Yeah, I manage to get by sheer luck that most of my body hair is superbly thin and not very obvious. But it still happens... Ok this is getting strangely awkward, shall not continue. Moral of the story: I use 3 different types of wash, of which one is an exfoliator. The end.

4) All the guys who have ever confessed to me, and were all subsequently rejected, said they liked me because I was someone "who is reliable and understands my problems". Mistaking me for a surrogate mother/sister or counsellor, is immediate ground for rejection. The fact that they only knew at most half, of my entire lifestyle, was the second reason. All of these people come with really complex backgrounds that I have no mood to go into excruciating detail so... This is about all I will say. What kind of luck do I have to attract those who need Aunt Agony? Grrrrr.

5) I sleep with 2 pillows, a bolster, and a bear. Pooh bear to be exact. Many people have told me that its really childish, not that I really care, but about the soft toy? Its from someone special! Very very special! Its from my 19 year old self, and a birthday present to celebrate graduation from compulsory education. I walked past and fell in love with something that reminded me of the parts of me that I was abandoning to fit in with school and society. So the parts that couldn't stay went into my Pooh. Sad? Pathetic? Stupid? All, and none of the above. 

And there is my list of 5 things that I believe most people do not know about me! More tiring to type than expected, if only because I was trying to think about things that people would like to know that they don't already. I mean who wants to know that my feet are too wide to fit into shoes that are supposed to be my size because of the silly narrow cut? Or about the fact that my hair ties are constantly disappearing on me? Sound more like complaints than anything else. Unless you want to know about my very complex relationship with my office computer that is a Pentium 4 dinosaur that happily alternate between freezing and disconnecting from the internet every few minutes. Goodness...

"Its been said and done, every beautiful thought has been already sung..."

いばら

Playlist

Its Not Right But Its Ok by Glee

Internship starts tomorrow. Sort of decided on what to wear, but my head is in a bit of a mess. I have no idea of what to expect of my job, and the job description is not the most helpful piece of paper around. As I've said, my head is kind of in a mess. The good thing about it all is that work starts at 10am, so I have some time to wake up properly before heading down to work. Not sure if the late start time is a good or bad thing? I foresee myself saying that its ok not to go to bed early because I can wake up later than most, which sort of defeats the purpose of having a late start time. One drawback is that work ends late too, which makes it very difficult for me to have dinner at a normal-ish hour. Unless I eat near work or late, its hard to have dinner with others. Kind of sad as I like having meals with people I like.

Was talking to a friend about my worries and while there was this part of me that knew what she said was true, the fear does not disappear. Discussed stuff like work, a sense of belonging and social pressures... Depressing things that stalk you in the night. Anyway, while I was talking to her, I felt all reinvigorated, but the very moment the conversation lulled, I was almost reduced back to my lump of useless worrying. Your rational self loses all control when confronted with irrational fears, and nothing you say to yourself seems to help. Scary scary feeling. Not like I can force her to talk to me non stop just for my selfish reasons. I guess I really ought to reinforce my mental fortress. 

Went for the L'arc~en~Ciel concert on Saturday. I would have had a really horrible time if I had been all vain and stupid to put on make-up and contacts because I cried four times in the two and a half hours concert. And by cry, I mean cry, not the sniffling-and-teary type, but the bawling-heart-out type. I might have cried out my contacts and had eyeliner running down my face as I cried from disbelief, joy, sadness and all the other hundred and one confused emotions whirling inside. Yeah, I really felt like the spin cycle of an industrial washing machine choked full with emotions. Heart wrenching pain as I might never get to attend another concert of theirs. Joy at being able to hear them live after all these years of wanting to attend a concert. And all the other very complex feelings that will make me sound utterly convoluted if I were to type it all out because everything is all tangled up in my heart and head. The main thing is that the concert was fantastic. I will never ever forget the opening strains of いばらの涙 for the rest of my life. The lame ass joke of pink Merlions for testu by ken. My only grouse is that SISTIC screwed me over, which is why I was not seated at the first sector, aka, the banana range. Shall not continue thinking about such depressing things, it might ruin my happy memory of the concert.

OH. And I think I spent something like five hundred dollars on merchandise and tickets. Half to the the ticket price and the rest to the poster, shirt, CD and bag that I purchased. Was only intending to get the CD and the bag but the post concert high made me part with money at the booth. Horrible lack of self discipline, but I have no regrets. The poster is gorgeous, the bag is pretty cute, the shirt will be for my Pooh to wear when I feel depressed, and the CD is now in my iTunes playlist. Yes, happiness can be derived from money, in particular, purchasing power. So now everyone who reads my blog knows what happened to most of my income from my part time job... And one more thing off my bucket list! Yippee!

Going to head to bed, after all, I do need to work tomorrow. Argh.

"燃え行く体は灰になって奪われても　穢れてなかったなら　その時はあなたが連れて行って　そしてそっと抱いて"