Real

I wonder what most people do to cope with rough patches? Why I wonder? I'm going through an awful period of time now. I'm so depressed I eat a bar of chocolate everyday. Not exaggerating. Its like this:

Mathematics D
Economics D (barely)
General Paper D (the first!!)
Geography E

Horrendous. I was so stunned by my grades that I was numb on the bus home for the past 2 days. Just stared out of the window blankly, hearing music but not listening. Its like there's this tough thick shell around me that keeping me from flipping. With such grades, I think I will qualify as a retainee. Honest. Yet, if I do a careful analysis of the entire affair, its GP and Geography that's affecting me. Why?

First and foremost, until this year, I have NEVER failed English. NEVER. I have no idea if its the teacher, as I performed well in Mr Whitby's class last year, or me. Serious. I"M SCARED. There. I've gone and said the name of the evil bogeyman living deep inside me. Grades like this, when people around you are getting A's and B's are no joke. Its frightening. Doubt creeps in, and you begin to question everything. Lifestyle, effort, ability, mood... it all goes under the microscope. And I have had enough of the numerous sickening comments on my handwriting. Just because it can't be seen from the moon doesn't make it microscopic. Furthermore, I have one of the most legible handwriting on the face of this planet, so those who write in teeny scrawls have ABSOLUTELY no right to criticise. The limit to my patience is a very real boundary. Three strikes and you're out. Don't say I don't give sufficient warning.

If I were to force a more positive outlook, I suppose I can say that there was an improvement for Economics. During Promotional Examinations last year, it was a sub-pass, so at least I improved by 2 grades. My Mathematics was never excellent, although its a huge fall in my grades (from a high B to a D!), so i suppose its not too disappointing. All that is left is my Literature, which is off to a poor start already. I have resigned myself to my grades. All i can do is to put in more effort, which I am for Hypothesis Testing. Economics... I suppose I can go back to writing more essays. I will definitely study hard for Geography, I'm now actively trying to make sure I do a good job in the topic of floods. Sigh. A wake up call of the most brutal nature. I suppose there is a reason for having the exams after the holidays. It really gives us more time to study. Now all I feel is that I have totally wasted an entire month in frivolous pursuit.

Ok. Cosfest will be the last. I'll wrap everything else up for this year. Start studying. No more self-questioning. No room for errors. Lets end it all with no regrets.




" Meaning? What meaning do you seek? Adding your own interpretation to completely meaningless reality is the epitome of futility."

Young and Over Indulging ~ YaOI

Okay. I so don't have time to put in the necessary effort to write a proper post. Its simple. I'm too busy watching Jun Jou Romantica! Haha. Its the first time that I'm really watching yaoi. Like pretty... intense yaoi. Okay. I like Usami and his bears! So kawaii! Yup. I know as a fangirl, its sort of wrong to be in love with Suzuki-bear, but still... Its so KAWAII!!!! I mean, Misaki is adorable (when he's not making out with Usami) and Usami is ubercool ( when he isn't making out with Misaki), but Suzuki-bear ROCKS! Hmm. The other pair, of Hisaki and Nowaki (I think their names are spelled like this...) is awfully sweet. The seme and uke is less obvious, unlike Misaki-Usagi, and there's more of a connection. I guess its because, I a) do not have an elder brother, b) I don't know anyone who's earning tons of money as an author, and c) I'm not in any kind of relationship with anyone. Therefore, the sweetness appeals more to me. That, and the kawaii factor of Suzuki-bear! Man, if only I had a bear as cute as Suzuki-bear. Ok. Sorry. Couldn't find a nice Junjou picture without any words, Japanese or otherwise. So you'll just have to make do with Kaori Yuki. Haha. Not like its BAD. I love her art...


On to a more objective perspective! The plot's pretty good, but the music is terrible. I sort of fast-forward the entire introduction. No point listening if it grates on my ears. Talking about music... I bought Hyde's Roentgen! For only 20 dollars! At HMV! Haha! Its only so cheap because its one of the special collections. I saw Gackt's and Malice Mizer albums retailing at an earth-shattering price of some 60 dollars! Per album! Daylight robbery. I mean, is the price justified? I think not. I have this nagging suspicion that buying from overseas will be cheaper at the rate prices are increasing so outrageously. Sigh. Now the only problem left is finding some way to pay. That is a really big issue.


Regarding money, I need someone to find me a pot of gold. Or to teach me where to get a treasure map. I'm considering a new pair of shoes and another black Lolita dress. Which needs money. That I don't have. I have just outlined the problem. Tada! So yup. The shoes and dress cost $90 each, bringing it to a total of $180. Argh. I should just forget about it eh? Hah. As if that is remotely possible. Well. I suppose I'm going to save up for it. Just like I'm going to save up for my iPod. Shoot. The total amount is equivalent to about... One and a half month's worth of pocket money! Plus additional for cleaning the house... I so totally have to get a job to finance my super expensive hobby. This stinks. I detest being constantly broke. AHH! I give up!

"At the beginning of an addiction, you're happy. Its later that you die."

Laundry

Its officially the school vacation now, but it doesn't really feel like it. I mean, there are loads of things which are all piled up waiting for me to comp[lete, most of which I have yet to feel bothered enough to actually complete. Sigh. It seems to me like the older I get, the more irresponsible I become as i know how to squirm through all the various loopholes. This is NOT a good thing. The undisciplined side of me is ruining all the careful plans and resolutions I made to work hard. Which Is awful when I realise that this is already in the second week of my month long holidays... And I have yet to start on ANYTHING! Well, I did complete half a comprehension exercise, not that its anything to boast of. Okay. I shall exercise self-restraint once and for all. Today, I promise to finish all of the comprehension and 2 questions of my Math Hypothesis Testing tutorial. This is on top of repairing my Goth dress and washing all the irritating bits of stuff around the house.



Yeah, I do household chores, but its not like I like doing it. More like I don't have any choice nor say in the matter. Its so repetitive, and stuff like laundry and washing the floor never ends. see, the wind blows, and all the dusts comes floating in again. You have to wear clothes everyday, so its an endless cycle of washing, drying, folding/ironing, keeping. And its not one set, its like, four people, and different clothes require varying treatments based on colour, material, cutting etcetra. A complete pain. The worst part is that it rains often in this tropical monsoon climate, so yeah, I have to note the weather... Urgh. These are only CLOTHES. There are shoes, blankets, rugs, bedsheets, towels and more to be washed. Laundry is a pain. The first thing I would do if I had a rich sugar daddy will be to hire a laundry person. Serious. I will not be constrained by these irritating triflings which MATTER for a moment longer than I have to. It sucks up all your time, ruins your mood, needs you to note 20 different factors at once and absolutely spoils concentration and train of thought. I think its quite obvious I hate laundry. Like its any surprise. Haha.



Love my phone. Rather, I think I should say I love having a 2GB external memory disk in my phone. Thats cause I can squeeze some 150 over songs into my phone, and the battery of my phone, although it seems to be unable to let me make calls for longer than an hour, I can listen to some 6 hours of music with excess battery to spare! Wowie! The wonders of technology, music on the go, anywhere. Well, as long as you have battery. Oh, just remebered, my earphones have some problem... Sheesh, will have to change it...




" Love is blind, not senseless nor stupid!"

Sad

Okie. First and foremost, Stella, you are definitely an Ah Po... Who else can be my Ah Po? Haha. Next, thank you bemygodday for leaving a comment which stirs up such complex feelings, I knew Hyde was working on some new project called Vamps but... I mean, thanks for the offer of songs, I'm gonna keep you to it *grins*. Yet... Why are they going to go on hiatus?! I'm going to cry. Serious. WHY?! They are making such amazing music, I knew I should have skipped school to go to their concert in Hong Kong. I could have, but my morals reined me in. Sheesh. Now I'm going to regret it until I'm 2011, which means I'll be an adult officially. Hey, maybe its a good thing. After all, I'll be able to follow them to the ends of the earth at that point of time with no parental consideration. Haha. I'm so depressed I'm trying to forrce something positive out of this cause for grief. At least I still have Gackt. Like its any consideration. I love Larcon! They are my favourite! How can one Gackt substitute all of four members of Larcon? How...

My exams are all over. I've been to Malaysia, Kuantan and Kuala Lumpur, for my scholl's Geography and back. Aristal 2008 is over and done with. My life in JC is, at this moment, seventy-five percent over. I shall freely admit it. I cried when the curtain went down after the finale of Aristal. It was a curtain call for more than my time as a dance; it was the end of carefree youthfulness as well. Why do I say this? I have to really get down to studying for my 'A' Levels. I have to concentrate on what I want to do in the near future. I need to source for possible options. I need to decide on my stand on anime, manga and cosplay. All these seems inconsequential, like little bits. Yet, altogether, they define who I am and what I'm going to be, what I'm going to do. How can I ignore all these parts that make up me? Sighx. Its like how music is a part of me, how dance is another part of me, studying makes up anothe section... Argh. Now there's pressure to perform in all these areas, it really tires me out. I do have a limit, and its a very really real limit. Mayhap I consider it a transfered epithet that Larcon is going on hiatus. After all, I mean, I'm in need of a mental vacation.

This song, Orenji no Taiyo, from Moon Child, is an absolute complement to my current mood. Sung and written by both Hyde and Gackt, the song is from Gackt's album Crescent, and is a song I really want. Its so sad, and so sweet, and the movie was heart-wrenching. Ahh. I'm going to cry already, due to both the news and the song. Argh! Shan't care already!

Sayonara...

" Shall I give up? Shall I cry? Shall I despair?"