End

Playlist

High High by G-Dragon and T.O.P.

The last day of the calender year. Not like it makes that big of a difference. School just starts in 4 days and I need to write 2011 instead of 2010. Life goes on without worrying about the changing days. Just a way for us humans to keep track of time. Because we suck without visual aids...

I feel weird. First and foremost I am not ill. Secondly, I feel that I am changing. I am not sure why, but I can feel it. The way I dress, the way I speak, the way I do things. Getting more vicious. Less truthful. There are times when I am sorely tempted to lie and not tell the truth. All for fun. And to try my luck. Because I am angry at something that I have yet to realise, and my subconcious is rebelling to make itself feel better. You see, I have a pretty good relationship with my subconscious. So when it gets mad at me and refuses to tell me why exactly it is beahiving in these peculiar ways, I am very much troubled. Not a good thing if I do things without control. My inner girl is not a very nice person. She is easily jealous, very possesive, likes trouble and has a very warped sense of humour. If you think I am weird and horrid, I feel my subconcious is someone you may not want to meet.
And somehow, she is creeping out. Maybe I have been a bit too stressed and the walls are coming down. Or perhaps there is truly a need for a badder me to exist in my current environment. I might have been a wee bit arrogant about my self control and been negligent? And maybe I am thinking too much and dramatising everything again. Maybe.

Some things never change though, and for that I am grateful. Thank you for the bits of normality in my life.

And so this year ends like this. Last post of the year...

"I'll always change, and always be the same..."

Desire

Playlist

JoJo by SHINee

I have no idea why, but every time I think of SHINee, I feel like a pedophile. Maybe because they look so young, but I feel like some weird old lady who likes younger guys. Not that I am that old. SHINee is talented.They can sing. And a few of them a pretty good dancers. But the age... BRR. The Korean music industry is seriously doing their best to exploit the youthful potential of their artistes. Not that its exactly morally reprensible or wrong per se. Maybe I feel threatened. Or I am just jealous. Regardless, I feel that as a fellow Asian, I wouldn't want to live in a country where the stars look so stellar that normal people seem like they are from another country altogether.

Merry Christmas! I'm not Christian, but I like public holidays, so I am grateful to anything that gives me a day off, discounts, excuses to party and slack and more. Rather uneventful holiday? Compared to some of the other holidays where I'm rushing work, projects, costumes or drowning while trying to entertain, this is a relatively carefree holiday. Yeah, Comics Fiesta was one hell of a nightmare fantasy, but thats a post for another site. My blog is a space for my more normal exploits, if I have any? HAHA. Anyway, everyone is winding down and using the changing calender year as an excuse to not work. So its rather quiet. The most exciting thing was probably at the beach. Went to cycle at ECP. So many people that I wonder if half the population of Singapore was there. Anyway, epic disaster when you have so many people. The bicycle track had so many kids that were cycling across lanes and even against the flow of traffic. Some crazy people were racing against each other and weaving in and out of traffic haphazardly. Pedetrains are the worst. I wanted to ignore some of them an just crash into them. Yeah, I'm evil. Deal with it. Its not my fault, because they were really annoying? Random pedestrains crossing as and when they like, assuming that bicycles will definitely stop for them. One family was even walking their stupid dog in the middle of the entire track, so both sides of traffic had to avoid them? Couples walking along the divider. And of course, there are pedestrains on boths sides of the track. I think the bicycle track was worse than my driving exam. People everywhere, doing unpredictable things. Sighs. One other cyclist crashed into me. her bike went down along with her, and my bike on top of hers. I'm fine. She fell off the bike, but there was no blood nor visible immediate brusiese. Nothing too serious. Come on, I'm a cheerleader, I know my injuries. So I picked my bike off her's and went to park it at the corner, before going back. She was still on the ground, with a face so filled with grief you would think the dentist just told her she needed to extract all her teeth with no aneasthesia. I couldn't help but smirk at her, hey, she crashed into me, I'm a safe cyclist, and I think I gave her my oh-you-fell-poor-you-why-don't-you-get-up-piggy look. She really looked pathetic. The poor-me-pity-me-im-weak-and-useless look? Too bad it doesn't make me feel guilty. Just makes me happy I walked away without a scratch and my ego fully intact. Yeah, you can start saying I'm a meanie~

Yeah. The above paragragh is evidence that I am not very nice. Somewhere out there I think there is a blogger complaining about the bitch they met at the beach, who made her crash/fall or whatever. I don't care. She doesn't have my name.

I told an acquaintance I cosplayed, and her reaction was shock. Could not believe this quiet and sweet young girl was into cosplay. (Yeah right) Probably thought that cosplay was all about cat maids and short skirts and what not. Couldn't be bothered to rectify her impression, I've seen too many people who assume and jump to conclusions. If I was to correct every single one of those flawed persepectives, I'd be an old lady and still not done. Oh well. I think of myself as a self-funded model? Something like leisure modelling? Where the photographers are your friends, and you do your own make-up. And you make your own acessories and costumes. Self-funded is more accurate, but I think leisure sounds better? HAHA. And I act as well. I've been in videos. At events, at photoshoots... I guess I love the attention. No cosplayer hates attention. Because we're super good at drawing attention to ourselves, hating attention would mean you'd die in the scene. And even among fellow cosplayers, we look for ways to outdo each other and outglam each other. Its all competitive. You seek to be the best cosplayer for a certain character, and you tread on the pride and reputations as you advance in the ranks. Completerly self-regulated community. Politics through and through, and there are no moderators. free for all. Free market. Utter chaos, and order is self-established. Fun, and very very painful...

Why am I saying this? I've been considering quitting. To stop and never do it again. Can I even do that I wonder? Its so ingrained... But I need to move on I know. Sighs. Another year is about to descend, and I seem to be at the same place as last year and nothing has changed. I wanted to go for the BSM to New York. No, I'm not going. Did not manage to get in. Which is superbly depressing. Oh well. Shall I just go to Japan to make myself feel better? Anyone wants to join me?

"I will never get what I want..."

Trip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

New band that I dicovered online. Not bad, or maybe I am attracted to the bishie megane that is their drummer? I wonder~ I like the PV, there is this lazy feel, and the flashing lyrics reminds me of Vocaloid. To set the record straight, I am not a fan of Vocialoid songs. I think they are awful because its all synthesized. If you were to compare real voices and synthesized voices, real voices win hands down. But if you were to compare Vocaloids to other synthsized music, I must admit that it sounds much better. Grows on you after a while as long as the song is not longer than 3 minutes. Anything more than that is audio torture. I shall explore R指定 a wee bit more before I decide to add their songs to my library. Quite promising so far?

Just returned from Malaysia. Went there for Comics Fiesta at Berjaya Times Square. It was a pretty eventful trip? A lot of discoveries. Made new friends. Understood more about myself and my friends. Like every trip, it was a great experience. I think trips are wonderful. Stuffed into the same small space with people whom you don't understand, you are forced to interact and you try your best not to make errors. You blunder around and try to reach a compromise. Some things work. Others do not. You fall flat on your face, you fall in love. You realise that the world is not all about you, and you get irrtated that things do not go your way. You wonder at your luck, and lack of it. You grow, because there is food for the soul. Which is why I love trips. I love pushing myself to the limit to see how fast, how far, how much I can go. I'm not trying to look for my breaking point; I'm looking for a way to stretch myself to achieve the most that I can. You may feel that it sounds as if I am suicidal, but I assure you that it is not the case. I'm looking for a sense of accomplishment, a sense that there was something that you left behind, all in spite of your short life and limited ability. Our search for purpose. Possible through a trip.

There are a lot of things I feel like typing, but I wonder at the reason why I feel like putting it down. I'm afraid of writing it down, because it makes it more real than it already is. And the more afraid I am, the more it feels like something that ought to be done. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, but it is as if I am typing it down for the sake of typing it down to get it off my chest, and not because there is a need to type it down. At the same time, there is this sense that I need to type it down because it is simply the harder thing to do. I could ignore and tell myself that I'll type it some other time and let it fester in my heart. Not saying is much easier than saying something, because once it is written down in black and white, it is virtually impossible to retrieve. Sure I could delete the post (although I make it a point to never delete or edit the content of my posts), but the person who has read it would have read and seen it. The impact is there. And something I cannot undo no matter what I do.

I think I think too much sometimes, but I think I might love you. Its something that I've felt for quite a while, and this feeling has grown to become something that I am accustomed to. It is something that have never gone away, even though I tore it out, it stubbornly refused to die out, and stayed put, sinking roots in places I cannot access. In the beginning, I was troubled. Not emotionally mature enough. Not socially mature enough. Not smart enough. I was just thinking about it, and I kept apologising and thinking that it was my fault. Kept feeling like I was in the wrong, when there is no wrong and no right. Kept blaming myself. In the end, I told myself to kill off the area that wanted a result. Forced myself to go back to zero. Cried my heart out at the piece of my heart I killed to go on, because I had the mistaken belief that there was no way it could have worked out. How wrong I was. Both of us felt the same way, and both of us could not say it out. Both of us pretended that everything was alright and fine and the same, when inside, we were dying for acceptance, and a solution was there. All we needed to do was to say it. And we didn't. We closed both eyes, and turned the other way. We walked apart. And to this day, I regret not telling you. I regret smiling at other people the way I should to you. I cannot leave you behind, because you have always been there in my heart. For this, I am sorry to you. Dealing with the remnants of my love, I'm shortchanging you and everyone else. I seek your shadow in others, and somehow, something that was once pure has become warped with neglect and pain. So much jealousy, so much anger, so much sadness, so much hatred, so much desire, so much love. All there, and seething under the surface. To escape, I plunge myself in my work, I dive into everything I do in the hopes that activity will keep me from thinking. In a way, it worked. Now I am so busy that I don't have time to be in a relationship. Everything hurts less, but feels less real. I see things in a blur through filters, and nothing really touches the abyss inside. I do not complain, because it is an exchange to save myself from myself. Somewhere along the way, the survival mechanism kicked in, and for that I am thankful. Because if I didn't push the feelings away, hearing you tell me you like someone else will probably send me to my grave.

I guess I am honoured that someone likes me even though I am so worn and battered. I am thankful that he finds me attarctive, and that he wants me to give us a chance. I am thankful that he is willing to wait for me. But he doesn't know about all these. He doesn't know how much you mean to me. Even if he was to know, he will never understand, because he will never feel the same intensity. Lives entwined, and there is no way out. I can't cut you away without cutting myself away as well. Like a malignant tumour that has taken root, and I cannot think of a way to remove it. Its like the entire tumour has taken over my heart and cutting it away would kill me. So I just wait to die, fighting for every breath. And I push him away because I know he deserves someone better than a dying person. Not literally. But emotionally. Please don't fall in love with me. I am a human who is about to turn into a doll. Alive but not vital overmuch. I'll stay with you if it makes you happy. I'll do my best to make you happy. I'll be here until my last moment, wishing you all the best, praying that even when I am gone, you'll still be smiling.

Why do I say this? Its like exposing raw flesh to a shark and saying EAT ME. Asking to be shot and hammered and further ripped apart. Am I crazy? I think so. And so are you. And you. And you too. Over dramatising? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't really care. So what? I won't tell it to you personally, because it would make your life more difficult, and I cannot tell it to you because I have no more expectations for this of you. If I told it to you, I would expect a reply, and that alone would be too much for me to bear. So I will just type everything on my blog, and hope that you will one day read this and understand and somehow, things will be ok.

Its ok if you misunderstand, Its ok if you never wish to speak to me again. Its ok if you ignore all these and pretend you never saw this post. Its ok if you ask me what I mean. Its ok if nothing happens at all. I have given up. I guess I can be happy living this way, until the day everything ends. I just want to say this to give myself closure. Even if I cried a litre of tears, even if everything was to change and nothing was to change. I can happy the way things are, because somehow, I found peace with myself. This reminds me of cheer camp where the flyer spent almost 3 minutes on me, and I just stood there, holding her, crying because it was so painful, and just bearing the weight in silence because I wanted to encourage her to keep going. No one noticed until I told them to take her off because I was in too much pain, and I think they were in shock. Said this before, but I can't help but see the similarity. I cannot frown, because I believe in making the people around me happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am an idiot. So shoot me.

"And we'll tear each other to pieces."

Scream

Playlist

Bambino by BREAKERZ

Holidays~ Yeah, I still need to finish beading my costume for this Sunday, but at least give me some time to play? I need to feel relieved that I don't have to chase a deadline desperately. I do need a measure of stress to perform, but if I never have any downtime at all, I fear for my sanity. I can see why some people in stressful jobs become vicious. There is a need to express yourself, and when you are unable to do that, it becomes a weight that crushes you. Good thing I can use exercise as a way to destress. Sure, running sucks. Gyming is weird because I'm often the only girl in the gym room and all the guys will keep staring at me like I am some kind of freak. Dance is near impossible because its difficult to continue outside school. I cannot swim. But somehow, I think I manage? I sometimes go on long walks around town or my estate. Need to get the negative energy out of my body and calm myself... I get too highly strung for my own good. So what if my knee is injured? My mental state is far more important.

And on the topic of my mental health, I will use the rest of this post to rant. I guess I need to scold a few people. So what if they have no idea that I am yelling at them? The crux is to get things off my chest.

Its been a year. This time last year, I called and cried and told you I hated you for making me doubt myself. For making me feel insecure, because I felt like I was throwing my feelings into a glass bottle and hurling it into the ocean, praying for a reply. For not saying anything and letting things go even though it made the both of us unhappy. For always adopting a wait and see approach. I hate you because you are so selfish. Unless I freaking break down, you don't show concern for me. Unless I'm in agony, you close both eyes and continue your games, pretending that you don't see me hobbling. Unless I beg for help, you never bother. There is no initiative. You see, you wait, and when its too late, you panic and make things worse. Have you ever changed? You do to me what you do to everything else in your life that is consistent. You take me for granted. You assume I am always here. You assume my love for you will weather through negligence, disregard, your mood swings and other nonsense. You hardly give me anything, just a growing sense of inadequacy and pain. You asked for a chance. I gave so many I weary of myself. Over and over agian, until I have virtually no expectations left. When things that should be normal become so precious because they hardly ever happen. I'm really tired.

I wonder if I am being fair to you. But you never said anything about me not being fair. In fact, you barely said anything, except that you think it is pointless to argue with me. And I think that makes me upset. To me, it feels as if you cannot be bothered to communicate with me. As if, I am not even worth getting angry over. As if, I'm not even worth feeling upset over. I don't know. So many years with each other, and somehow, I seem to get more tired. Do I end things with you? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I truly wonder. When I'm with you, I'm often happy, but the minute we leave each other... I think the problems start. Lack of communication. And the idea that we should not say nasty things when we are with each other because we are just too happy together.

I don't need you to experience SMU. I don't need you to experience Flare. You don't need to know what it is like to keep poking yourself with a needle at the SAME PLACE. I just need you to understand me. How I work. How I feel. How I think. And I would like to know all these about you too. Don't just clam up. I'm not psychic, no matter how good my guesses are. And some things are better said. In fact, a lot of things are better off explicit. Because sometimes, the message in the bottle never reaches the inteded person.

Bed time~

"Some things can only be said NOW."

Ouchy

Playlist

Spell Magic by Acid Black Cherry

Nice song. I think hyde has good taste, because I was watching a programme about yasu from Acid Black Cherry, and he was talking about how he created ABC (I'm too tired to type out the name of the entire group every single time HAHA) from the advice of hyde. Its kinda obvious that yasu has a crush on hyde? Just like how Gackt like hyde too? I think everyone likes hyde because he is such a talented and lovable person. Anyway I have a lot of new songs to listen to, what with BREAKERZ and Acid Black Cherry joining my music library. Heehee, happy music days ahead...

I'm actually really tired because I have been at cheer camp for the past few days. So now I have a LOT of bruises and abrasions and all the muscle in my body are aching? Had a full body workout. We trained for about 10hours a day, which is actually more than the 6hours of interrupted sleep I had? So yes, utterly exhausted. The upside of all the stunting and working out is that my body is superbly toned now. I have nice arms, nice abs and decent looking legs! I know the muscle tone would not last past Sunday, but I feel good about myself? Who would not if they had been doing virtually nothing but exercise for the past 48hours or so? I could go for a beach shoot now and exude confidence. I guess I should work out more often. Sure, I will never be as skinny or as pretty many other girls, but at least I have a body that is fit and healthy? I could do without aching muscles, but it is a small price to pay for improving my poor self esteem. 

Oh yeah, my bruises are all over and ugly. I have a huge one on my right arm, quite a few on my shoulders, some on my legs and some on my back and chest and tummy. Yes, for the hundredth time, cheerleading is a scary sport that is totally not for the faint hearted. Damaging, dangerous and darn addictive. Sure, when your flyers suck and keep hurting you its no fun at all? I'm kicked, punched, stepped upon, scratched, bruised, sprained... The list goes on. Yesterday, I cried because my flyer was so lousy that on shoulder stand, she was bruising me. And she isn't exactly the lightest person around. And I held the position for near a minute as the others tried to convince her that it was safe to continue. I was keeping quiet because I really really wanted her to get the courage to move on, but she kept saying that she could not do it, and kept shifting her weight and... Yeah, the tears were flowing. I think I totally freaked everyone in the team out. In the end they carried her off, and I think I've convinced her that flying is a no go. For that I am truly apologetic, but when your stunts go up and come down beautifully, the sense of satisfaction is so immense I sort of forget all the injuries I've sustained? Every single tear shed and bruise sustained is worth it.

At this point in time? What I really want is a shoulder massage! My shoulders hurt so badly that I can barely lift my arm to type. I should really go for a spa massage. Or go for tui na or something along those lines. Shoulders are not used to carrying so much weight for a prolonged period of time... Sighs.

This is going to be a packed December holiday. I have quite a number of photo shoots pending, cheer practice continues at 3 times a week, just that we now need to add gym sessions to make sure that we build on our strength to accomplish more high level stunts. I have Comics Fiesta in Kuala Lumpur come mid December, and some work assignments. I have costumes to sew and props to make and repair. And I still have to prepare for school, map modules for exchange and continue with my Japanese lessons. Less stress to perform well for Japanese after this Sunday because JLPT will be over by then. On top of all these, I have a social life to keep up! Really wondering if I will have any time for personal development and me-time to relax. Contrary to popular belief, I am kind of introverted? Hanging out with too many people for too long makes me very tired, probably because of the emotional acting and dissonance? Yeah, the terminology creeps in. I think I have been studying too much for an extended period of time. Best part? Next semester I am taking 4 heavy modules and I have Nationals for cheer. I need to clear my photo shoots with Winter before she leaves for Australia as well. So many things to do and so little time, but I shall do my best? I really do not want any regrets when I look back and wonder why I did not put in more effort. Yes, it is tiring and difficult, and I would be blatantly lying if I told you I have never wanted to quit. I have wanted to throw in towel so many times, and I persevere on with sheer grit, determination and through my sense of duty and responsibility. Sometimes, even to me, it seems I am living in a whirlwind and everything is flying out of control. But somehow, I am moving along on a course and getting somewhere. Somehow. Of course I doubt I am as destructive as a whirlewind (I HOPE I am nowhere as destructive), but I guess to some I'm everywhere that it seems so messy, but I manage to keep going in a certain direction? I do my best. I really try to maximise and optimise whatever possible. Sure, I fail. Sure, I fall flat on my face and I grumble and complain. Nevertheless, I would think that I am happy with the way things are? Too much direction is restrictive. Too much vision is crippling. Too much certainty is paralysing.

I am hungry and thirsty. I think I lost too much water during the camp. I know I drank a lot, but I must have lost more water than what was replenished. No craving for anything salty, in fact, I want fruits! A watermelon would be yummy right about now.

Dinner time! I miss you loads?

"Life is not a zero sum game."

Cancer

Playlist

No Air by Glee Cast

I feel like I am drowning. The song title is kind of accurate in describing my current state. Not the part about pining, but more of being saddled with the weight of life.

Yeah, I am 20. No real responsibilities you may think. No worries. I am suppose to be in the prime of my life, carefree, happy, energetic and full of vigour. My reaction to this, is WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO BLUFF? And to everyone who thinks that post exams is equivalent to being happy and not stressed, please take a hard brick and smash it continuously against your head for being an utter moron. Who made exams the be all and end all of your life? There are things such as CCA. Such as politics. Such as external commitments. Such as work. Such as relationship issues. And more.

I have not had a single day of rest since my last exam paper. Even my rest day was made up of work in the morning. I have not had personal time since... I cannot remember when. I think it was before the semester. Somewhere in summer where I went to the library and read the day away. Which is easily 6 months ago. Half a year of running on adrenaline. Half a year of never-ending pressure to perform. Half a year of emotional dissonance. I think i'm going to go crazy soon.

I have not been blogging much I know. So many things that I wonder if I should say. Its as if every holidays, when others catch their breath I rush to move ahead. I should blame my father for this. I remember I had way more homework during the holidays than during the school term, which is why I came to like school. His idea was that I was slow and stupid, so I needed to catch up with my peers by working harder when others were playing away. The turtle concept. We're told its always better to be the turtle. But have people realised that the turtle is SLOW? They keep telling you to be steady and consistent, but how can you be a turtle if you are a high performer? You'll burn out. I'm not a high performer, and I can testify to that. Keep going fast and you'll die. Its a catch22. You can't go slow or you will die. You can't stop or you will die. Either way, you die if you so much as slack a little bit. What a horrid world we live in.

I know I have my emotional scars. Quite a lot of them in fact. I know I am consciously denying my subconscious. I know I'm going to break from all the nonsense I put myself through. And somehow everyone thinks it is good. Have you ever wondered what my real smile looks like? Not the stage smile I carry so well. Have you ever seen me really rest? People tell me its amazing how I can snap awake at the correct time without an alarm. I would like to ask this people, how well-rested do you think I am to do such a thing? Have you ever truly cared about me? Its not about the big things, but the little things. Things like remembering that I get hungry easily. Things like the days I have CCA. Things like arranging a meal with me, to my convenience. And more. These are just the very basic things. Yet, I can honestly, and very sadly say that NO ONE has ever been able to make me feel like they really care. Am I high maintenance? Maybe. Am I demanding? Probably. The thing is, if I can do it, why can't you?

Indeed, we are different people, but are we really so different? Is a bit of effort so much to ask for? Maybe I am the strange one for living my life to the convenience of others. Maybe I should become more selfish and less concerned with others. Maybe.

I don't trust you anymore you know? Because you betrayed me, when I thought you never would. Because you did the same thing to me that you did 5 years ago. Because we are going back to the beginning. because you hurt me withou thinking about it. I don't have many more pieces of my heart for you to break. Let me warn you, that the thing that kills a relationship is not hatred or fury. It is indifference. Your indifference is killing our link, and I am weary of being the one to salvage the situation. i am tired of all your excuses. This time, save us if I matter to you. Enough is enough.

I need a holiday.

"Burn away the cancer..."