Playlist
One Love by Arashi
Its strange. This feeling. I just realised what it was. A bit silly, considering how I've been feeling this way for quite a while.
Sadness.
Its an amusing emotion. There is something poignant about it. Not like the fleeting illusion of happiness. Nor like the choking weight of anger. Its quieter. More thoughful, in a way. Like a contemplative person by a stream. Where those who are happy live in the blazing roller coaster of life, those who are sad watch the world go by and think of the days that have gone past, and the days that have yet to come. Where those who are angry wreck havoc on this delicate world, those who are sad cherish that which is there, no matter how small or insignificant. Its so romatic, in its own little way. Not a blinding exuberance but a quiet appreciation. Melancholy is an art.
A throbbing awareness that refuses to go away. A tightness that persists no matter how you try to stretch it out. A simmering, accumulating presence. I'm not sure, but I think I can be sad while I'm happy. I can be sad while I'm angry. I can be sad when I'm lonely. To me, sadness is black, with an aquamarine sheen to it. Like the black-green of a beetle. Its dark, but its beautiful as well. Am I reading to much into this? I'm not sure, but I think this is part of maturing. Children are blazing streaks across the sky. Be it day or night, they'd shine bright, staking their claim on some part of the world. As I get older, I've mellowed. You're no longer so insecure as to need a neon presence. All I need is my little space to exist. Its not giving up on the world. Nor is it resignation per se. Its more of... Self acceptance. Where you start to know your true value. You start to understand how its not necessary to stab a flag and stake your territory. You'd just belong. You'd just exist. The world has already known of you, and has reserved a little corner for you.
I think there is bound to be a certain element of mourning in melancholy. A bitter taste, not overwhelming, but there all the same. Useful, for it lets you realise how sweet everything else it. Its a marker to benchmark and compare, and an important one at that. Its a mark of how far we've come.
"Come to play... Forget your troubles... Sing and dance... Today has ended..."
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
English
Playlist
It's My Life by Bon Jovi
I love the English language. Its HILARIOUS. The sentence structures are meant to trip you up and upside down. The vocabulary is borrowed from a multitude of languages so phonetics are a joke. The best part? METAPHORS. Oh boy. The Americans do it like no other nation on Earth. And below is evidence. I laughed so hard I won't have to attend cheer practice for another month. I now have abs from the amount of laughing I did. And my cheeks freaking hurt! So ladies and the odd gentlemen who stumbles across my blog, I present to you excerpts from English essays of high schoolers of the almighty USA!
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. M. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. M. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
I think E.Coli, En Pointe and Garbage Truck are the funniest, althought the others are fantastic as well. Now you know why English and Literature teachers are a psychotic bunch. With stuff like these, who needs comedy!
"Happiness is something that we have to earn with blood, sweat and tears."
It's My Life by Bon Jovi
I love the English language. Its HILARIOUS. The sentence structures are meant to trip you up and upside down. The vocabulary is borrowed from a multitude of languages so phonetics are a joke. The best part? METAPHORS. Oh boy. The Americans do it like no other nation on Earth. And below is evidence. I laughed so hard I won't have to attend cheer practice for another month. I now have abs from the amount of laughing I did. And my cheeks freaking hurt! So ladies and the odd gentlemen who stumbles across my blog, I present to you excerpts from English essays of high schoolers of the almighty USA!
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. M. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. M. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
I think E.Coli, En Pointe and Garbage Truck are the funniest, althought the others are fantastic as well. Now you know why English and Literature teachers are a psychotic bunch. With stuff like these, who needs comedy!
"Happiness is something that we have to earn with blood, sweat and tears."
Monday, 19 October 2009
Personality
Playlist
Glee Soundtrack... Not sure which song...
I came across this on HJ's blog, and did this for fun. Do you think its an accurate description of me? Comments, please?
" I'm greedy. I don't want time to stop when I'm happy, because I know there will be more and happier moments in the future."
Glee Soundtrack... Not sure which song...
I came across this on HJ's blog, and did this for fun. Do you think its an accurate description of me? Comments, please?
Passionate
You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.
You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.
Abrasive
You are accustomed to rubbing people the wrong way; it's simply what happens when you express your opinions. In your opinion, there's nothing wrong with being controversial.
You don't have a "live and let live" attitude when it comes to other people whose opinions clash with yours; you see no reason to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is just plain wrong.
Organized
You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.
Innovative
You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.
Aesthetic
You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.
Creative
You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.
Curious
You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.
Friendly
You would rather hang out with others than spend time alone, and you'd far rather be doing something with your friends than just sitting around. You're happy in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.
You're not a private person who is ill at ease in a group; you don't view excessive socializing as a waste of time.
Accessible
You're comfortable expressing yourself in words and actions, with no self-censorship. You believe that if someone doesn't like what they see it's not your problem, but theirs. A high score on the "accessible" trait suggests that you have a lot of friends, socialize often, and enjoy rap/hip-hop music. ( I LIKE ROCK MUSIC.)
You don't see the need to keep your thoughts to yourself, or to have a zone of privacy that encompasses only yourself and a small circle of friends and relatives.(PFFFT.)
Understanding
You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.
You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Coping
Playlist
Prof as he speaks... HAHA.
Was reading this online, courtesy of HJ, and found this amusing. I guess the person I am now can easily identify and relate to these measures taken. After all, I happen to be more self aware than I was, say, a year ago. This matters a lot, as we grow the most when we’re under 21. Every year, you learn a lot more interesting things. Similarly, I’d also come to appreciate more things that I couldn’t really grasp previously.
Below is the said amusing thing that I stumbled across, directed by HJ. Ladies and gentlemen, a brief idea of the means humankind employ to cope with our horridly cold world. I apologise if the examples are a wee bit biased and if the font is peculiar. I typed it out in Word and now the formatting is completely screwed up. Disgusting how sites can't agree on some nice fonts fro all of us to use. I use Trebuchet usually, but Word's Trebuchet and Blogger's Trebuchet is different. Ridiculous don't you think so?
Here is a full list of coping mechanisms:
* Acting out: not coping - giving in to the pressure to misbehave. In plain English, you succumb to pressure and start fangirling over Cloud with all the 10001 other fangirls even though you HATE Cloud and his ridiculously spiky hair and think Sephiroth with his silky hair is AWESOME GODLINESS.
* Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable. In plain English, since you can’t get Atobe-sama, you settle for oogling at the life-sized poster of him in the bookstore.
* Altruism: Helping others to help self. In plain English, you help your friend and yourself queue for the limited edition Gackt calendar, while she helps the both of you queue for the limited edition hyde poster.
* Attack: trying to beat down that which is threatening you. In plain English, flaming on online forums when you see someone trying to overflame and usurp your position as THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.
* Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress. In plain English, you stop going to the thread where people are flaming you, as you can’t overflame THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.
* Compartmentalization: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments. In plain English, you worry about your costume in the left part of your brain, your school work in the right side of your brain and daydream about Sebastian of Kuroshitsuji with your ENTIRE brain.
* Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another. In plain English, if look fugly, you learn to be a fantastic make-up artist.
* Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms. In plain English, you stalk the idiot who flamed you and beat ‘em up cause you can’t outflame them. Kids, don’t try this at home.
* Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. In plain English, you refuse to acknowledge that you cosfucked by denying that you ever cosplayed at EOY 20XX. But we all know you were there :D
* Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target. In plain English, if you can’t defeat the number one in school, you bully number zero simply because he/she was there and cannot fight back.
* Dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life. In plain English, you have some form of minor split personality. You are Melissa in school, Mel at home and Ah Jie with your after school biker gang.
* Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion. In plain English, you start deconstructing you room, crying, screaming and punching meanwhile, when you realise that Gackt is coming to Singapore. And you do the same when your best friend betrays you. And when you wake up late for school. ‘Nuff said.
* Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility. In plain English, COSPLAY. Disneyland relies on this for the big bucks.
* Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help, then reject it. In plain English, you ask for advice from your friends, but reject all proposals simply because you can’t decide if you want their help or not, but you feel good that they offer you help. If you’re like this, please go jump off some high-rise building.
* Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired. In plain English, you only see how Kurei is hot/amazing/handsome/cool/talented/smart/rich/flamboyant/nice/sweet/refined etc is, completely ignoring that he is a mass murderer/ bastard/cold-blooded/sadistic… You get the drift.
* Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics. In plain English, you see how cool Lacus Clyne is, and you COPY. So that for that 10 minutes in costume, you’re not mean and bitchy, but nice and sweet and kind and lovely…. Let me leave to hurl up my pitiful lunch.
* Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic. In plain English, you rationalise that the $600 lolita dress is worth the money because it’s a) Designed by Mana-san, b) Only 500 pieces are made, c) No one else in Singapore would buy it (No one else is as crazy.) and d) Its got a 0.5% discount!
* Introjection: Bringing things from the outer world into the inner world. In plain English, after cosplaying a lesbian, you realise you have a sudden interest in girls…
* Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance. In plain English, you know your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to break up with you, so you turn off your phone.
* Performing rituals: Patterns that delay. In plain English, you have to listen to Vidoll’s XXX song first thing in the morning every day to make your day better. Personally, I think it’d just make you later if you woke up late, but oh well!
* Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people. In plain English, you think that girl that is a bitch, when you’re the actual mean bitch.
* Provocation: Get others to act so you can retaliate. In plain English, you give people a reason to complain and then you shoot them down. I love this method of coping with stress. Cause its FUN :D
* Rationalization: creating logical reasons for bad behavior. In plain English, it is a lot like idealization. I think she can be a bitch because she’s young/ inexperienced/ silly/ immature… Or just plain stupid, so I cannot fault her behaviour. Right. Who am I trying to delude here?
* Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position. In plain English, I love Atobe-sama so much that I try to decrease the number of fangirls by complaining about him… While I secretly have an Atobe shrine in my room. Man, I should learn to do this…
* Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems. In plain English, you speak and act like an immature baby so that people will not expect much from you. More importantly, you THINK like a baby too!
* Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts. In plain English, even though you think that girl next to you is a fat, talentless, heavy, whiny and irritating bitch, you hide all these under the cover of TEAMWORK and continue working with her.
* Self-harming: physically damaging the body. In plain English, you cut your wrists when stressed. ‘Nuff said.
* Somatization: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms. In plain English, you’re so stressed by your report, that you get stomach flu, fever, the cold… Yeah.
* Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities. In plain English, you’re pissed, so you start cleaning the house, packing your room, washing your clothes… Cool huh? This is of course, a POSITIVE example.
* Substitution: Replacing one thing with another. In plain English, you stop being angry at your mom for not allowing you to go out, and instead, get angry at your sister for borrowing your skirt.
* Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges. In plain English, you really really want to strangle that **** but you hold back. Yay for self-control.
* Symbolization: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols. In plain English… I can’t put this in plain English, most unfortunately. Its an abstract concept to begin with. But think of it as having a nightmare of books falling on you when your library books are due. A little extreme though…
* Trivializing: Making small what is really something big. In plain English, you may have just run over someone in your new car, but you just treat the person like normal roadkill. Okay. Not funny. How about this, you were rejected by the guy you like, and you brush it off by saying he liked you first. Delusional much eh?
* Undoing: actions that psychologically 'undo' wrongdoings for the wrongdoer. In plain English, after you have a huge argument online with your friend, you meet up with her with a box of Junjou cookies, lots of BL drama cds and… VOILA! All is forgiven! You don’t even have to apologise! Cause the boys of Junjou does it so well, no?
Wow. I’m impressed by myself. I think I’m less stressed after doing this actually...
"Let's all sing and dance and celebrate... Even though we all know its a LIE."
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Cheerless
Playlist
Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)
I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.
I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.
One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.
I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?
I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.
No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?
"The noise is killing me..."
Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)
I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.
I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.
One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.
I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?
I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.
No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?
"The noise is killing me..."
Friday, 9 October 2009
Base
Playlist
Goodbye My Love by 8eight
It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.
There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.
I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...
Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.
"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."
Goodbye My Love by 8eight
It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.
There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.
I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...
Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.
"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Demise
Playlist
No mood to listen to music
This is a called a reality check. It is aimed at all my friends. At least, on last count, you were my friend. If you are, please read and understand. Please read and internalize. Because I do not want to say this more times than necessary. Airing dirty laundry is never a good thing.
I'm absolutely stressed. I have to deal with bullying, discrimination and ostracisation EVERY single day. I've had insults a plenty and been put down so many times I sometimes wonder why I bother to get up. My life now is a bed of thorns. I'm not expecting you to think of an answer. I do not need you to interfere. What I need you to do is to stop making my life more difficult! Stop being so reactive. I'm always the one to initiate the meeting. I'm always the one calling you, smsing you, creating the schedule. Could you call me for a change? Ask me how my life is like for a change? Ask me if I have problems for a change? Ask me out for a treat for a change? Why must I be the one desperately chasing after you? Why must I be the one to always to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be strong and listen to you whine to me? I offer comfort to everyone, and pray tell me who offers me comfort in my time of need? I can count with one finger! This is a relationship. Not a one-sided crush! If I'm too much of a burden, tell me. You'll be less of a burden too. I've had enough of rushing to put out people's fires while my house is burning down.
So your life is difficult? I bet its no worse than mine. I'm failing my modules in school. Just had a presentation today, will have a presentation tomorrow, and there's another 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have 2 research papers due in 2 weeks. Mind you, research papers. 10 pages plus of proper writing. Not your smoked 3 page essay. So its plenty of effort all right. And you know I always do my work well. My cca is 3 times a week, and I have a 3 day training camp next week. My Japanese lesson continue. My driving test is in 3 weeks. My never ending school work on top of all these, with me 4 weeks behind class for my assignments on average. I have to do revision because my exams are in 2 weeks. I need to do a mountain of readings to prepare for class. I've say, one good friend in school only. I'm really short on sleep. My arm is injured. My back aches. Your life is bad? Then whats this?
Can you be nice and kind and help me with meeting you? Please? I really want to go out with you. So can you turn up on time when I give you my precious 3 hours? Can you give me a few days of notice? Could you at least put in half as much effort as me? I know I'm not your boyfriend. I know you have your problems. I'm just asking you to try harder. Because at this rate, when I die, you're not invited to my funeral. After all, I bet you wont be able to make it to see for the last time anyway. Besides, whats the point of attending my funeral when you've never bothered to sustain the relationship with me even when I was alive? Trying to gain brownie points so that I'd help you in Hell? Dream on.
Happy Children's Day.
"May we all rest in peace."
No mood to listen to music
This is a called a reality check. It is aimed at all my friends. At least, on last count, you were my friend. If you are, please read and understand. Please read and internalize. Because I do not want to say this more times than necessary. Airing dirty laundry is never a good thing.
I'm absolutely stressed. I have to deal with bullying, discrimination and ostracisation EVERY single day. I've had insults a plenty and been put down so many times I sometimes wonder why I bother to get up. My life now is a bed of thorns. I'm not expecting you to think of an answer. I do not need you to interfere. What I need you to do is to stop making my life more difficult! Stop being so reactive. I'm always the one to initiate the meeting. I'm always the one calling you, smsing you, creating the schedule. Could you call me for a change? Ask me how my life is like for a change? Ask me if I have problems for a change? Ask me out for a treat for a change? Why must I be the one desperately chasing after you? Why must I be the one to always to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be strong and listen to you whine to me? I offer comfort to everyone, and pray tell me who offers me comfort in my time of need? I can count with one finger! This is a relationship. Not a one-sided crush! If I'm too much of a burden, tell me. You'll be less of a burden too. I've had enough of rushing to put out people's fires while my house is burning down.
So your life is difficult? I bet its no worse than mine. I'm failing my modules in school. Just had a presentation today, will have a presentation tomorrow, and there's another 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have 2 research papers due in 2 weeks. Mind you, research papers. 10 pages plus of proper writing. Not your smoked 3 page essay. So its plenty of effort all right. And you know I always do my work well. My cca is 3 times a week, and I have a 3 day training camp next week. My Japanese lesson continue. My driving test is in 3 weeks. My never ending school work on top of all these, with me 4 weeks behind class for my assignments on average. I have to do revision because my exams are in 2 weeks. I need to do a mountain of readings to prepare for class. I've say, one good friend in school only. I'm really short on sleep. My arm is injured. My back aches. Your life is bad? Then whats this?
Can you be nice and kind and help me with meeting you? Please? I really want to go out with you. So can you turn up on time when I give you my precious 3 hours? Can you give me a few days of notice? Could you at least put in half as much effort as me? I know I'm not your boyfriend. I know you have your problems. I'm just asking you to try harder. Because at this rate, when I die, you're not invited to my funeral. After all, I bet you wont be able to make it to see for the last time anyway. Besides, whats the point of attending my funeral when you've never bothered to sustain the relationship with me even when I was alive? Trying to gain brownie points so that I'd help you in Hell? Dream on.
Happy Children's Day.
"May we all rest in peace."
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