Game

Playlist

EVE by Vidoll

I never thought that I would be the type to do this. I know I always looked down upon people who posted such things on their blogs. It was, to me, a shameless thing to do. As if the people around you were not sufficiently attentive to your needs. Pfft. To me, it was ridiculously superficial and a sign of how materialistic and utterly immature you could be. Yet, now that I'm supposedly older and wiser, I think the me who dismissed others was immature as well. Everyone is different. And some things are merely for show. Yeah, we live in an era where the greatest game of all is appearance building. Note that I did not say character building. Its appearances. All the world's a stage, and we all need to look glamourous on it, or at the very least, play the part we are supposed to play. So lets all be good children, good friends, good students, good whatever. Stick to your role, or beware of the consequences. Getting booted off the stage means you have lost your role. Losing your role means that you have lost your purpose. And losing your purpose? You'd better find a new purpose, or cease to exist.

Anyhow, I'm not going to go in depth about my theory of appearances here. I have hardly enough evidence to arrive at a suitable conclusion. Instead, I have decided to experiment with appearances. Think of your particpation in this as some form of survey participation. I would love to know what goes through your mind when you see what I have below. Even if there is nothing, tell me. After all, its a game, and I want to know if the rules are what people say the rules are. There are often unsaid rules, the same way how some rules are just for show. Lets find the limits of this game arena, shall we?

So what exactly am I talking about? A list. Yeah, the seemingly innocuous list. Here's the first list that I could think of that would not need to many brain cells to construct.

My Wishlist is as follows, of course in no particular order of desire:

1) 2010 Journal/ Planner - This needs to be purple. And must be structured weekly.

2) iPod Touch Screen Protector

What do you think?

"Between here and there, I would like you to not breathe. I'll see you there. If you ever get there."

Birthday

Playlist

The whirring fan

I'm really sleepy, but I wanted to post, so after this, I'm heading straight to nap.

After today, I'm officially 19.

A strange age that is neither here nor there. Its a prime number. And it means that I am no longer a minor. Yet, I'm not an adult either. I can't enjoy the 'kid' benefits anymore, but I don't have the spending power to fit into the 'adult' category. Its a weird phase, and the feeling is compounded by my exhaustion.

Financial accounting exam was tough. I think I flunked. Talking to Darren and Zen after the paper just made me feel worse. In a way, I shall me honest and say I hate them for making me feel so stressed. Yeah. If you guys see this, which you won't since I don't think you guys bother with such 'trivialities', don't say I'm a bitch. I did make noise, and you guys HAPPILY ignored me, so I get to complain. Yupps. Shall work on Business Government and Society after I nap. Too sleepy for information to permeate my thick skull. I think my grades are going to be atrocious. Sigh. I'm just not smart nor hard working enough for university life. Sigh.

Oh. Dad got me a nice present. Kel gave me a Ty Beanie Bear. Jie gave me a cake. Hejin a card. Kaen a blog post. HAHA. And I got many well-wishes from my friends. Its good to be loved, but its stressful when you realise that you aren't living up to expectations. Cue imposing music when thinking about exams anyone? Still, I'm grateful. Thank you for remembering amidst all your hectic schedules, exams, meetings and what not. I know its just another day, but on this day 19 years ago, I was born. So yes. In a way, it is an important day to me. I'll thank everyone properly in the next post. I'll have to constantly update if I want to really thank everyone now, and I'm too lazy to want to do that, so I shan't. HAHA. I hope this sentence isn't too unclear for you to understand. :D

Growing up is only fun when you know you'll be successful when you grow up. Otherwise, its like jumping into the deep end of the pool without learning how to swim. I drown. Yeah. Simply because I can't swim. Sigh. This is becoming increasingly depressing. Once again, I shall attribute this to my relative sleepiness and leftover stress from my paper this morning and nervousness about the next three papers. Yup.

Shall go for my run later. I need to sweat and lose weight. yeah. I need to lose fats.

"Birthdays are days where you try hard to forget that you're one year nearer to never celebrating it again."

カエン

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thank you for being my a) best friend, b) toy, c) pet, d) cosplay buddy, e) confidant, f) sister-in-law, g) starfish... AND MORE.

I think you are damn a) uke, b) gullible, c) cute, d) confused, e) funny, f) blur, g) hilarious... AND MORE.

I know you love me! I love ya too!

We've known each other for sooooo long, and I hope I can attend your wedding!

HAHA. Be honoured that this post is dedicated to you. The only person to have this honour, other than you, is KUREI okay?

Lols.

Be happy. Be healthy.

愛してるんです！

Human

Playlist

one way by SID

Ah. Its reading week for me now. A little break for me to gather the strewn pieces of my soul and brain before I head off to the examination grounds. Yeah. The word execution could have replaced the word examination and the sentence would have retained its meaning. The wonders of language. I shan't bore you with the nitty gritty details of my insanely boring and chaotic life. There's nothing much to be said. All of it can be summarised into the immediate paragraph below. What I wanna blog about, is instead, the hypocrisy that is humanity.

I went to school. Got pissed by the atrocious lack of linguistic ability of my group mates, their inability to understand the concept of deadlines, their utter lack of responsibility and their pigheaded stubbornness. My cosplay plans are really shaky now. There are constant quarrels in the cosplay community, and it seems like everyone is mentally stuck in kindergarten. Oh the FUN~

I think humans are such stupid creatures. Biologically, we're stupid to share a vertical windpipe and food pipe. We're bound to choke once or twice and deprave our brains of the oxygen we need. Or better yet, DIE. Psychologically, we're needy little things, but we act tough simply because of societal conventions and the whole nine yards of taboos. We're riddled with contradictions, mostly because of self imposed restrictions. We try so hard to be happy, yet we always give up a metre before the finish line, only to restart the entire happiness game again. We envy what others have, totally oblivious to the things we have that they want. We pine for the things we can't have, but when we do get it, we lose interest. I think my existence is hilarious. Surrendering when I'm almost there. Worrying when its in the bag. Lovesick for a person that will never look at me. HAHA. Why don't I cherish those that I have? Why won't I worry about the things that I'm overconfident of instead? Why won't I persevere a wee bit more? I know, but I don't do it. I can't even convince myself.

What shall I do with myself? Knowing and doing is not the same thing. It never was. One is based on the part that we carefully cultivate as we grow up, be it conforming to what is necessary or culling the parts that stick out.The other is the part of us that was there all along, slumbering, resting, anaesthetised, whatever we did to it. Ideally, these two parts would be one and the same. Ideally, we'd all meet and love Prince Charming, and Prince Charming would love us in return. RIGHT.

I'd like to go on, but I feel... That I should not. I can see evidence of my own biased judgement creeping in. Its not that I think I'm completely fair and neutral all the time, but I try to be less so? Otherwise, what would be the difference between this blog and every other angst-ridden teenager's? I think the person I'm hinting at will never read this blog. Maybe because I never gave my address to that person. Maybe because that person does not have sufficient brain cells to spell the address. Maybe because that person doesn't think my blog is interesting enough to be read. Whatever.I only need the people I love to love me back.

Additional notes:

1) Hejin, I'm SO SORRY!
2) Viv, you will tell me who you are referring to NOW.
3) Dearest, you know I love you. Though I don't understand what are your motivations and I think the entire fiasco is horribly infantile, I love you. Its a good thing you're letting the feeling go. Think zen nyan~

"I want someone to stop the racket that is emanating from that hole you call a mouth."

Alive

Playlist

星の無い夜に by Deluhi

I really like this song. While Deluhi is a rock band, this song is so achingly sweet that I want to cry. There's this sense of pain and love that permeates every pore. I have no idea how Juri can sound so sad and lovely... And Leda's usually aggressive guitar is this pulsating presence that reinforces the sweet sweet lyrics that Juri is singing. I'd totally watch the PV if they ever release one.

I wanted to blog about how tired I was... But after listening to this song... I think I shall refrain from doing that. After all, it is kind of pointless. Everyone knows that I am exhausted. Everyone is having a hard time. So I decided to blog about something more positive. We all need hope in times of troubles.

I want to thank Vivien. She's such a dear. I'm not sure if Hejin still reads my blog, but I can't say why we went out and did what we did today. HAHA. Hejin, you'll find out soon enough! Anyway. I had some heart to heart with Vivien. She's an awesome listener. I guess I'll never be as good a listener as her. HAHA. But its ok. Its just one of those things in life that draw people together. Anyway. Had Sakae Sushi with her... And we walked around a bit. I guess it was just enjoying each other's company. She took the same bus as me home. I fell asleep on her shoulder! I can't believe it! I just wanted to rest a bit, lack of sleep due to the institution in town, and I fell asleep! I'd never done anything like that before! I think Viv's shoulder was awfully sore after that... I apologise, but I had a great rest! Thanks Viv!

Collected my Litchi costume. Urgh. I wasn't thinking clearly when I tailored it. The material is really thin. It is a wee bit revealing. The top. The skirt. And my entire costume is held together by 3 pieces of velcro. HAHA. Kaen, SD, Winter, can you keep me safe during AFA? Please? HAHA. I'd love to have Renge, Kurei and Raiha protecting me. So what if its a different series? I promise to be good. I'd try not to jump Kurei. I'd try not to glomp Raiha. And I'd try not to tease Renge. I don't know how I'm going to cope... If any of the 3 pieces of velcro gives way... I'd ask Kurei or Renge for their top? Since they are likely to be wearing other stuff underneath? Oh boy. Imagine. Wearing Kurei's cloak... Ok. Excuse me while I scream in ecstasy and let my imagination run wild.

I passed my Statistics mid terms! Heehee. Kinda happy, since I was sure I would fail, and badly at that. Its only a C+ grade, but hey. A pass is a pass. Beggars can't be choosy no? Sigh. There's still the Statistics project... I hope we don't screw up too badly. Ok. I shan't be so negative. Ought to trust in my team more. Hey team! Give me a reason to trust you ok? This is hilarious. Simply because no one from my Statistic class reads my blog! I think.

JLPT4 will be held in SMU! I was so surprised. I was moaning about how I had to wake up at an unearthly hour to travel an unearthly distance... So I was pleasantly surprised when i saw the letter. Awesome. Its SOE, and I'd have no problems with attending an exam at 10am in the morning. Familiar location plus decent timing. I love JCS! I should pass. I want to pass. Shall begin studying soon. Now I'm just mucking about. Disappointing, but it is the truth.

Ok, I shall start on my work...

"Obstructive words -- because when the voices cut in, they become an endless barrage of thorns."

Parents

Playlist

Shade by Deluhi

I miss parents. I'm not being sarcastic. I really, truly, honest-to-god miss them.

They've been in US for about... 2 weeks plus now? Everyone tells me how jealous they are that I have so much freedom. They say that I can do anything I want, anyway I want. They ask if I'm happy to be by myself.

"Don't you wish your parents would go on holiday together more often?"

BULL.

I miss them. I miss coming home at 11pm, all hot, bothered and tired, and seeing them watching the news. They're waiting for me, but they'd never say it. I miss the light they leave on for me if I'm home late and they've gone to bed. I miss being able to go for a midnight snack with them if dinner was especially pathetic. I miss the hot water they boil first thing every morning. I miss their offers to drive me to school on weekends so that I can sleep in for another 15 minutes. I miss hearing their voice when I call to say that I'm on my way home. I miss my parents. I miss this sense of coming home to my family. Going out is fun. Being with my friends is good. At the end of the day, however, what I want more than anything is a place where I can belong. That place happens to be my home, where my parents are.

Freedom is when you maximise the boundaries. When you have no boundaries, you have no freedom. I go home and feel like crying. I am crying. I'm tired and weary, and my home has no sense of peace, thanks to that brat who happens to be related to me. He leaves the plate on the table from 7am to 10pm, waiting for me to clear it when I'm home. Well, the ants got there faster than me, thats for sure. He leaves his dirty clothes and socks all over the house, and now the house smells like some construction site. He cannot be bothered to water the plants, so I'm constantly worrying if they'll die in the hot weather with me returning so late in the night. This is on top of the random pieces of trash scattered all over, with his clothes strewn all over and belongings ranging from keys in the kitchen, wallet in the toilet and school bag in the corridor.

I have this urge to hurl everything into the bin or out of the window, whichever is nearer at that point in time.

I want my parents back. 3 people clearing up is easier. And this is on top of their presence, which would definitely make me feel better emotionally. Parents are problems, but they are problems I'd pick anyday.

Do I feel happy that they are gone? Do I want them to stay longer? Am I pleased with being alone?

The BLOODY answer is NO. So SHUT UP. Stop asking. NO, I AM NOT HAPPY.

"Your smile that hasn’t changed even the slightest since those times/ It makes up for the time that has passed..."