One

Playlist

One by D=Out

New single by D=Out after they went mainstream. The music has changed a little, but I think it is still decent listening. The PV was nice and funny, and the guys had a lot of fun in the filming so I guess they are still essentially the same band. As you can tell, I'm a fan of the band and more importantly, the music, so I can't be bothered if they do go mainstream or stay indie as long as they are still able to produce fabulous music. Some may say that the bands have betrayed their roots or whatever, but I subscribe to the believe that as fans, my role is to support the band as far as I can. If D=Out went pop I'd probably roll over and die and never listen to another song again but otherwise? I'm not particular at all.

This is the last week of formal classes in school. Time seriously flies, even when you're not having fun. I guess this semester has been like every other semester in this glass cage in the middle of town? Tiring, full of drama, alot of work, falling ill, presentations and more of the usual things that transpire in the everyday life of an active female university student. Gone to more classes than I care to count, did less work than I imagined, smoked and fluffed my way through my everyday, and met one guy that I'd really like to be in a relationship with.

Yeah, got you there didn't I? I've never ever talked about any flesh and blood, non-family non-idol male that i'd liek to have a romantic relationship with have I? Always been happy to just float around and do my own thing... Been contented and avoiding the jarring lack of male relationships. As in, yeah, I have guy friends and guy groupmates and classmates and all that jazz, but I've never ever wanted someone? I guess because I'm a lazy and selfish girl who just ignored everything. Turned people down, and always picked at faults but inside, I knew that if I tried, I think something could have worked out. Just that I didn't want it to work out as I'm too lazy to get out of my comfort zone and be nice to people I'm not familiar with for a change. Even with him, I was wishing he was attached so that I could just tell him I liked him and get rejected immediately. I just wanted to move on. But voila! Not attached. So what shall I do with these feelings?

I've given a lot of relationship advice from my common sense, and if I was to advise myself, I think I would have yelled at myself. HAHA. Went to text him and point blank asked if he was attached. Covered it up with professional reasons, but really, I wished I could have asked him for a one week trial. I don't know if it would work out, which is a first time for me (the not knowing the end result part!), so I want to see if its an exercise in futility or something possible. So many reasons NOT to ask, but the thing is, I hate the feeling of being in limbo. I'm not the kind of person to have a secret crush, because my crushes can never be secret. I don't like misunderstandings between people, so I tend to overcommunicate when I'm in a relationship to try reduce the miscommunications which are bound to occur. Its been alright so far, but I think some peopel would feel that I overshare. So what? I know I'm weird. Shoot me for being unable to be dull and boring and quiet.

Going to the hair salon on Friday. Like FINALLY after about a year. I know I should really take better care of my appearance, but I must admit that it is too time consuming to worry about it. And after I discovered make-up and dressing to take the focus away from my 'flaws', I've realised that I can get away with a lot of nonsense. Nonsense like eyebags, bad skin and messy hair. As long as it looked like it was done on purpose, the hair not the eyebags!, people wouldn't find it weird. Which is weird but never mind, I'm just glad I get to be lazy. Anyway, I have no idea what kind of hairstyle to get on Friday. Probably will just tell the guy not to cut my hair too short, and not to layer too much but yeah. Unless I see something awesome in a magazine, or if I were to have a brainwave from now to then... Thats about it. Hair can grow back which little difficulty, although being laughed at by my peers isn't a particularly stimulating nor positive experience.

Presentation in about 30minutes. Should I text him before I go in?

"All I want is the things I want."

Dog

Playlist

dog run by SID

From their new album deadstock that was released a while back. I feel guilty because I have only been listening to Big Bang's new mini-album, totally ignoring SID. Oh well, I did get around to listening to everything on deadstock, so I feel betetr now. Long commutes are awesome for listening to music. Which reminds me that I need to come up with a way to survive the flight to New York. I think my Tofu cannot withstand so many hours of continuous music playing. I will probably sleep a large part of the flight, but I need music to sleep when I travel. Unless I am dog tired. Like now? If I wanted to I could conk out on the table right about now. I have been functioning on about 4 hours of sleep recently. Not a good idea for my general mental well-being. No wonder I fell ill.

I have been doing things that I am not proud of. I guess it is because I am desperate. Trying to hold on. Trying to come on top. Trying to stay alive. I am someone who is driven. If I want something very badly, I will stop at nothing to get it. Its like how I did my CAT assignment. Was failing throughout, and suddenly I realised that I needed to do well to pass. And miraculously, I managed to solve the VBA question. Miracles do happen. But there have been bad stuff too. Like losing Nationals by 2 points. Like getting embroiled in the whole "not committed to CAT project group" fiasco. I know some people will say that I am being totally bimbotic by rambling on about my own problems when Japan is in a mess, Libya is in a mess and the economy is still crawling on its hands and feet. But my stance is simple, this is my life. If I was Japan I would blog about how I am suffering in the aftermath. But I'm so far away. And the here always feels a hundred times more painful when compared to the distant suffereing of strangers you have no knowledge of. And every moment I live is like breathing toxic fumes which hurt.

Everywhere hurts. Not physically, I heal fast so I'm totally fine from the 3 day hiatus from training. No, its my emotional and psychological state that is taking a beating. I think I was really stupid to want to let you go, but since I decided, the stubborn cow part of me refuses to allow me to go back on what I have concluded. Its simple. I think, no, I know, you will do much better without me. We aren't meant for each other. Maybe in our next lives we could be together under less conflicted terms. I think we missed our chance in this life, and there is no way to go back, so let's move forward. If I keep looking back, I will just fall apart and crumble. I'm just pulling myself with sheer willpower and determination.

I think sometimes I think too much. I am too convinced of my own righteousness. I am a selfish and immature prig, but I refuse to accept this when people put it in front of me. You can say I am proud, you can make fun of me and all and I'd be able to laugh it all. But if you were to say that I was wrong... I think unless I really respect you, its an uphill battle to even get me to listen. I know this, I know I need to change. Its difficult though. So hard to believe what other people say, so hard to think that what they say is important. I'm too used to prattling to fill in the blanks. Too used to thinking I am right.

I need to find something to suck away all my free time. Every single minute of it. So much so that I cannot think of anything extra, I cannot doubt people. I need to drown myself in my everyday. I need to do things to prove to myself that I am not useless and that I can be fabulous too. I am insecure. I need someone to tell em that I am good. I need people to love me before I can love myself. I need affection and attention. I am superbly emotionally high maintenance. I think you can't deal with this. I know I cannot, so I don't blame you. But if both of us cannot keep us together, then let us part since I am the one pulling you down.

"Wishes and dreams under a sky of blood tears."