On-demand

Playlist

I Kissed A Girl by Glee

I need to admit that I watch Glee for its musical numbers. Somehow, Season 1 was for the story, Season 2 was for Kurt/Blaine and Season 3 seems to be pulling out all the stops in songs for Santana. Excellent as I love her voice. The only thing I'm sad about is how Tina seems to be disappearing in Glee. Would really love Glee more if they tried to focus more on Tina too? I don't think I have ever heard a proper Tina solo since... Season1? Sigh. Hoping for more developments in the next few weeks.

Exams are over! Supposed to celebrate, but I head back to school everyday for meetings, trainings and other school related things. Why is it that I am unable to extract myself from school? Sigh, the sad life of being in the committee. When you're higher up on the hierarchy, the nearer you are to the people who hurl orders, and they turn to look at you all the time. The price I pay, but I guess its worth the title. Learnt a lot of things about others and myself, did a whole bunch of things that required higher order mental facilities and essentially moved away from naive little girl to cynical bitch. Not that I was ever really naive nor am I anywhere near as bitch-y as some of the girls I know, but you get the drift. Not the same girl I was when I stepped up to take up the position. Manipulating people is a very important skill to learn. No one can get through life easily without remote control-ling a few people here and there along the way. Being able to do everything makes you capable. Doing everything is stupid. And delegating everything to the right people is the hallmark of leadership. Yeah, there are some things that only you can do, but there are many things in life that many other people can do. So there's a need to understand the comparative advantages. Not the absolute advantage but the comparative advantage. Tricky little devil that we're not trained to find, but not finding it means running the whole show on your own, which is silly. The opportunity cost is the many beautiful things you could be doing with our precious time.

A string of activities all lined up for next few weeks. Gonna try my hand at a part time job around Christmas until next March too, so I foresee myself running myself ragged if I'm not careful. The main issue now is how many classes I should take next semester. Its either 3 or 4, and either way, I can graduate in time. Main concern would be how much time do I want to spend in school, how much time I want to allocate to my job, and more pressingly, cheer. Do I ignore my knee? Do I go ahead and fight for the trophy? Should work be of a higher priority? So many questions and no clear answers. There is this part of me that really wants the trophy and is willing to do anything for it. I mean, which self-respecting cheerleading president would want to leave the club before getting a trophy? Doesn't make sense to settle for 4th place when you know you were 1 point away from being 3rd. The competitive streak in me wouldn't let me walk away without putting on a fight, and with the team this year, assuming everyone commits to the competition, we could come back with 2nd if we're careful and dedicated enough. Naturally, my concern is the dedication factor. There's no way that I can win that trophy on my own, I need another 4 girls to be as dedicated, if not more dedicated, to be able to take that trophy. Which, as usual, is the both the problem and the solution that I am looking for. I guess things will depend on what I see from now to January. Will just do my best for now and hope everything works out fine.

Pressured this company that annoyed me until they gave in. Not going to say who they are, you should know if you've been keeping up with my FB and Twitter, since they've been smart enough to take measures to rectify their error. So no, I won't humiliate them on my blog and let them plummet into the annals of shame in cyberspace. Its important to ensure that you have a good corporate communication team in a company, or at the very least, a very good crisis management team. The new world is made up of people like me who have no qualms sending a few very politely snarky emails to demand compensation. Its part of what we're taught, that we are entitled to good service and we won't baulk and pointing out discrepancies. So yes, do hire me as part of your corporate communication staff, at the very least, you will potentially have one less snarky customer to worry about. I promise to be able to deliver sincere and effective communication to ensure that your customers are kept happy and non-irate. Customer service is vital to a company after all. Shameless self-plug ends here~

The song has been on repeat for something close to 2 hours. I really ought to get myself the full collection of all Glee songs. Repeating it on YouTube isn't exactly great fun, although I know it contributes to the revenues of the company. Hey, I don't believe in stealing songs if they can be purchased. I mean, its near impossible if its only released in a certain country and not allowed to be exported, the song isn't available on iTunes nor any other legal site, nor can I get it through any video website. Otherwise? I don't see a reason to steal music. Just my opinion.

"It felt so wrong/ It felt so right/Don't mean I'm in love tonight~"

Candy

Playlist

Candyman by Glee

Annoying day. Woke up with the light in my face because I forgot to draw the curtains. Birds were squabbling at the balcony, and my neighbour slammed the door close. Wanted to go back to sleep, and when I nearly did, the stupid alarm went off. Lo and behold, its the day, the one day in the year, where I wake up dreading what's going to happen. I'm not sure why, but its as if every year, to make up for the awesome luck I have usually, nothing good has ever happened to me on my birthday. Its either an exam, which has been the case for the past 3 years, me falling ill, when I was in secondary school, losing something important, junior college days, or something equally depressing. The best birthday would be one where absolutely nothing happens. I spend it reading books in the safety of my home, putting the existence of every other human on this planet far far away at the back of my head. Not that I dislike company, because I really don't, but because there's this expectation that is unfair to people. The best solution would be to avoid human contact and live happily ever after. Which is not really possible. So I just quash everything and speak in riddles for the whole day, hoping that people get the hint that I really don't want to to talk to them. Anti-social right?

One more paper before the end of this horrible semester. I just need to clear one stupid accounting paper that is worth half of my total final grade. Not that I expect the next semester to be anything better, but at the very least, I won't have to think about exams during my birthday. The happy thing about the second semester is that you have summer to look forward to, a summer of meaningless exploits in the name of fun, even when you have internships that beg completion. Things are better in summer, where all you think about is having fun and wishing you were gallivanting along the streets. The good thing about being a student are the time you have to waste away without worrying about productivity during the holidays. The time I spend lazing in bed and staring at my pooh to incite an imaginary conversation out of him. Times like these are what makes me sane. When I enter the workforce... I see myself taking a number of days off at totally random times.

Older and none the wiser. Fatter, lazier and increasingly jaded. Drifted apart from some buddies. Depressed, often hungry, and watching my expenditures skyrocket. New friends, new home, one more shot at Nationals. Travelled alone, learnt that there are people out there who find me attractive, and came back with new-found confidence. Spoke a new language, saw the world through someone else's eyes and explored the boundaries of my limits. I have to agree, that travelling gives you a wider perspective. It tells you how racist you are. It tells you how intolerant you are. It tells you how adaptable you are. It tells you how great and how lousy a human being you are. That's all. You learn about yourself. That's all. No more, no less. The important thing is how much this information is worth to you. Is it worth the amount of money you need to pay for your ticket? Is it worth the risk of being robbed, getting stranded and more? What will you give up for this information? Can you find out all these things about yourself on your own? Some of us can, others cannot, and there will be those who live like children their entire lives, because this information is a heavy weight dragging you down to the bottom. Of course, what you do with this knowledge is a concern too. Will you pretend you never found out how ugly you are? Will you boast about your strengths? Will you scurry away from the discoveries you made and go back into your shell? There is no right nor wrong answer. The answer will always be 'It depends.' because what works for one person often does not work for another. Most of us will let our subconscious decide on the path to take. Others will consciously make an effort to utilise what they've learnt. And there will always be those who just forget everything the moment they reach home. People.

Been addicted to Scrabble recently. Playing non stop. I have always liked games that need some measure of brain power and Scrabble is loads of fun. Doesn't hurt that its a game to be played with other people, and luck is an element as well, so its a gorgeous combination of the best things in life. Well to me at least. I'm certain that there will be those people who think its a complete waste of time and effort and would rather go to bed than play Scrabble. To each their own I guess. This is my idea of relaxation and fun. Deal with it.

Oh, and I think I am more of a journey person rather than a destination person. 

"Good luck smile my way."

Wind

Playlist

Ugly by 2NE1

I can't frown. Anyone who knows me personally can attest to that. I can try, but it ends up looking like a cross between a frog face and a retarded face. Which kinda gives me a retarded froggy face. Facial muscles aren't developed enough to frown I suppose. Somewhere inside I always thought I might have been a devolved version of a human being because I don't possess enough facial control muscles to frown. Yeah, musings of a semi deranged girl who was born middle aged and never seemed to grow up. It's quite a mouthful, but I promise you it makes sense if you think about it.

Annoyed with parents. As usual. I think we all get annoyed by these seemingly mature individuals who have so much control over our lives. I profess that they are seemingly mature because they do things that they tell me are childish and should be avoided. Things like indiscriminately venting their anger out on everyone and anyone. Things like leaving their dirty dishes in the sink and expecting others to wash up after them. Things like watching television at horrendous volume levels at night. Things like forgetting to do things entrusted to them by others. And more.

I'm not saying that my parents are horrid, though I probably could because they once told me that they had never wanted me to be born but that's a story for another day. And they also told me that forgiveness isn't something that I should expect for my errors, but that's also another story for another day. The thing I'm trying to say today, would probably be that being mature would be learning to live with the truth of my reality. I'm not perfectly mature and 'adult' all the time, and in knowing this, in a very ironic way, is a long of maturity.

Of course I do plenty of silly things. Ok not as many as what I'd like to be doing, and in all likelihood less than many of my peers but I go enough to qualify as a kid. And I'm glad to be this way. I'm not ambitious and aiming to be a high flying professional. What I want, is quite basically, my own place. I don't mind if its a little room, though I'd definitely prefer a house of my own. Rentals are fine. Which means I need to earn enough to pay rent and my expenses. Living hand to mouth is kinda alright too. Blasphemous right? What about the low risk, low expenditure, high savings, collectivist, communal and filial values of my Asian upbringing? The thing is, I like freedom. I like doing things at my own pace. Like packing my cupboard in the dead of the night. I don't want to live at someone else's pace, which is very likely to cause me problems if I ever got married. Not that I'm going to get married anytime soon.

I think this streak in me makes it hard for me to get along with others. People want security. Hanging out with a friend who's like the wind, and expects you to be rock steady is kind of a tall order. I can leave but you can't. You need to trust that I love you but I won't trust you. Double standards and superb contradictions abound. Which is why I think I'll never get married. And I'll never be able to have really solid relationships with people. Sigh. I guess I'll just grow old with my tanks of jellyfish.

By the way, I'm supposed to be studying for my exams. First one on Monday and I've yet to cover all the material. 4 papers and none properly prepared for. Ggxx. As always, my life is exciting because I make it out to be so. Hopefully I'm not faced with Cs at the end of this semester. Academic suicide is really unpleasant. Wish me luck~

"Unable to say anything, because you wouldn't listen."

葬

Playlist

花葬 by L'Arc~en~Ciel

Always liked this song. Everyone has an all time favourite song, and this is mine for Larc. With the concert recording just a few days away, I really hope that I can memorise all the lyrics of all their songs? A wee bit tough as Larc is a 20 year old band, but I'll do my best! Birthday present to myself :D

Ah, about birthdays. Mine is coming up and I feel lonelier with every passing day. Its the worst when I wake up on that day. The feeling of staring at yourself in the mirror while you prepare to go to school alone for an exam is THE WORST EVER. Doesn't help that no one in the entire examination venue will know its your birthday. Doesn't help that most of your friends would be too busy to remember. The moment where on the public transportation, you look into your reflection in the mirror and wonder if the world will change if you weren't there. Probably not, is the very disappointing answer that stares back at you. Oh, and I hate insincere wishes. Which is why my birthday isn't available on FB nor anywhere else. I am such a disgusting person aren't I? Make that little mental leap from what I've been saying. And if you don't get what I mean, its better that you don't. I am in no hurry to introduce my friends to the deep dark recesses of my mind. Psychotic tendencies are contagious after all.

Not sure if what I'm saying is ANYWHERE near the truth, but I love Larc's new song Chase. Maybe its me, but its a hopeful song. Its a dark song, but somehow, it feels like one of redemption? (Please don't start singing Gackt's Redemption to me I'd punch you) Not sure how to explain. As if, even though its a song about losing your way and losing things, there's a choice to fight on and play on and prove yourself? I may, of course, be completely misinterpreting the song. There have yet to be any official lyrics, which makes it possible that all my musings completely out of whack. Then again, who cares what it actually means as long as I like it? Oh, oh, another song I've been spamming is Glee's Rumour Has It/ Someone Like You mash-up. It is superbly terrific. One of the few songs that makes me want to break into song in the middle of the street? Of course I can't sing, so I probably never will, but the temptation is really there. I can probably do the dance, but the song is way out of my league. So unfortunate. Sigh.

Best thing to do during the study week: Hug a pillow, eat ice cream and blog while listening to music. Indeed, I am one day plus behind on my revision but for some strange and inexplicable reason, I don't feel any remorse. Which is bad news considering how my first exam is in a mere 3 days. The question now is whether I am worried because I am not worried about the exam, or I am worried because I am not worried about my slow progress. It is two rather separate kind of worries and... I just realised that instead of worrying about my worries, I should probably begin on my work. Sigh. I hope this laidback attitude doesn't cost me too much in terms of my final grade. I can just imagine myself flunking accounting and finance and doing poorly in corporate communication and economics. Depressing thoughts cloud my November, which is why I often engage in the consumption of overtly sugary confectionery in the hopes that it will negate all the negativity inside me. Quite difficult as there is a limit to how much I can eat, no I am not a bottomless pit although you might be inclined to think so, and that it wears off. Furthermore, sugar crashing hurts.

I think my gastritis might be linked to the fact that my dinner is becomingly increasingly pathetic. I know I'm really lucky to have someone cook for me? But the food is getting reduced everyday? I know leftovers are problematic, but its as if all I eat at home is white rice. Sorry, white rice with some soup. Maybe something like 20g of meat and 15g of vegetables. Which kinda might be the reason why I keep feeling like I'm dying after 11pm. I'm not sure how to tell my family that I need more nutritious food, and that that lump of meat isn't gonna be enough, because they keep asking me to eat more rice. I can't complain cause my parents would throw a freaking hissy fit and start going on about the joy of someone preparing food for me but... Your daughter's stomach lining is being steadily eroded. And I wake up in the morning feeling ill, because sometimes? Its been something like 14 plus hours since I last ate. Thats more than a day. No wonder I feel supremely awful every single day.

"You and I have history, or don't you remember?"

Chase

Playlist

Chase by L'Arc~en~Ciel

The new song is pretty different from what they've been producing up to date. A lot more synthesizer and there's quite an obvious hook and all. In a way, it sounds a lot more like what you'd expect from pop groups? I can totally imagine 2NE1 performing to something like this. Of course Chase is far more mature and rockish, but the fact that I can even associate it with 2NE1 speaks for itself.

And if the format of this post is a wee bit queer because I'm typing this on the go. On my phone no less. It's an application I found from the Android Market. Not an official app because there isn't one available, but this seemed pretty decent, which is why I've decided to try it out. Rest assured that my blog will always chart the me who tries to compose her thoughts in complete sentences and will ponder the intricacies of structure. Not about to abandon my blog for Tumblr anytime soon. There are, nevertheless, likely to be alterations, such as shorter paragraphs. This is because on the teeny screen I have (well compared to my laptop anyway since I might possible have one of the largest touchscreen phones around) it seems far too lengthy, a paragraph such as this. It might benefit me in the long run by encouraging more concise paragraphs, but I think I'd hope to maintain my meandering thoughts. If there weren't any convolution, I'd be one heck of a sad gal.

Running a flu and my final, most important presentation this semester is tomorrow. Yes I have classes in Saturday because of the holiday on Monday. I think I've mentioned repeatedly that my school has a policy of having make up classes on Saturday? So yes, my class is at 3pm. Superbly nervous because I know how terrible my.performance becomes when I'm running a flu. Everything seems to be moving faster than what I can deal with and I can't seem to hear myself right. Doesn't help that my nose is like a leaking dam and its highly uncomfortable to have a feeling of an overflowing nose. Gross and annoying to the maximum. So yes, having a presentation isn't the best idea, but I'll deal with what I can get. Hopefully I don't feel so awful tomorrow. Perhaps I should volunteer to be the first group to go. Reduce the amount of pain I'll have to go through and let's me rest earlier. Touchwood... Really hoping it tides over by tomorrow so that I can show the other group how very epic we are. Competitive til the day I die.

Exams are around the corner and I don't have much motivation to study. I think it might be because of the flu, but I have been being a lazy sloth for the past few days too so I really wonder. Really hope I do well this semester and with the majority of my grade reliant on my finals, I ought to be drinking the contents of my textbooks and notes. Sigh. Help me find the drive to study? No way that I want to repeat my triple C performance of last semester. Really horrible. If I weren't in New York at that point in time I might have offed myself in despair. Even then, I did go into a state of shock. Cried in the bathroom while showering so that my roommates wouldn't be able to see how I wad breaking apart. Even then I think they kinda guessed that law this hollow shell-shocked mess. Not sure how I survived the next few days... I think visiting the Strand helped? I know I was awfully testy in Taiwan and I only properly recovered when I went to Japan. I think the horrible illness I had between Taiwan and Japan, when I was in Singapore, might have been my body's way of catching up with the mental stress. Like I said, I'm pretty competitive so I don't do well with abject failure. In essence, me needs to study so that I can improve my gpa and smile properly again.

Call me what you will for being so grade conscious but I like doing well. It matters to me. It makes me happy to go well. So yeah. Go ahead and judge me, I don't really care. Everyone have things that matter to them. For me, seeing an A grade makes me jubilant. I don't comment on your infatuation with collecting pencils or barbie dolls, don't put for collecting pretty grades.

"Calling, the fallen angel, rolling, on cold asphalt..."

Experiment

Playlist

Tomorrow by Tablo ft. TaeYang

This overwhelming sense of loneliness, and the fear that I will grow old and die alone, not even with the cats and jellyfish I would probably rear. Thus, although I never really thought I'd say this, but I am. I think its about high time I stopped being single. Yes, this is the moment you gape at me incredulously and ask me what took me so long. I suppose it took me this long to realise that people around me will one day die and leave me behind... No I am not an idiot, and yes, I have always known this, but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and KNOWING. When a good friend of mine told me she was afflicted with an incurable disease, I nearly cried in front of her. She'll probably never be able to have children on her own, and she'll live her days watching what she does, doing whatever possible to extend her life and quality of life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like... The knowledge that any day could be your last. That the sand in your hourglass is running out so much faster than everyone else, and this crazy healthy friend of yours declares she's given up and she'll never get married and never have kids even without really trying to be in a proper relationship. I would slap that friend.

I say this, but I know I need to start somewhere, which isn't likely to be anywhere anytime soon. I think I'm someone people don't want to date because I come across as a person who doesn't need anyone else? Friends have told me that I have this aura that pushes people away. As if they aren't important and I don't need them. According to them, its fine with friends because you expect to be just one of another of crowd, but with a significant other... I understand that it does get painful to be with someone who doesn't seem to need you at all.

Yet, I think its quite sad, because no matter how much I appear to not need people, I really do? I look away, but I think its because I believe you'll always be there with me? That I don't need to guard over people I love, and that they will love me and stay with me. Which leads to a lot of problems, as I have realised, because no one would feel secure with chasing mindlessly. Maybe I should have done more to give people a greater sense of security? Was I so careless to hurt people the way that I've been hurting? If so, I apologise. I'll work harder to hold your hand and never let you go. I'll do my best to let you know that you're special to me. I'll let you know I care, because you are important to me. Of course I do wonder if this alone is enough. Will I look back and think of myself as a fool for hoping people will be satisfied with this? Perhaps you might think this is unnecessary because people who want you will stay on their own. I cannot really determine the effect of this right now, but I bear with me while I try to find out if this is the right approach.

I think we are all a little stupid when it comes to things that are really important to us. Like how I smile like an idiot when I see Pooh in the morning. Like how I sometimes wish he could be with me. Like how I start crying even when I'm happy when I hear a certain song. I guess its part of me to behave in that way, and I believe there is this portion in everyone. We don't show it all the time, but it exists, nestling there in our subconcious mind. It erupts from us, and I think the part of me that I like best would be this. Not the me who can play tennis. Not the me who does Mathematics. Not the me who does the budgets. Its the girl who does laundry when she's annoyed. Its the person who studies with a pillow and a soft toy in her lap. Its the me who adds smiley faces to each message in the hopes that people don't misinterpret my moods. One individual, different facets. 

I should head to bed. Going to have breakfast with my family tomorrow morning and I should not keep them waiting while I bid fond farewells to my pillow and bed and bolster and Pooh for another few hours.

"I will wait for that time to come. I see now. Right now I am trying my best to improve myself, for myself."

Cereal

Playlist

Fire by 2NE1

Old song but I love it. The kind of song that you revisit after a while and it doesn't lose its lustre. One of the few girl bands that I listen to, so if you're not a big fan of high pitched and squeaky girls shaking their assets and not being able to sing, I'd recommend them. Doesn't hurt that the clothes they wear is pretty? Not skanky, more edgy. Shameless, unpaid advertisement. Their PR person had better thank me.

I think I grew up a little bit today. Not sure if anyone will approve, but I re-learned how to walk alone today. I typed something pretty lengthy (for Tumblr) on Tumblr, and I'm not going to repeat it here. Each post has its place, and I think it belongs there, so you can head over to read... All I'm going to say is that if you misunderstand, I'd feel sorry for you. It's not a brutual "I hate you let's split" but a more genial "I think we should reconsider how things are" post. I don't think I can ever hate you? I never actually hate the people I leave, because if I hated them, I wouldn't be with them in the first place?  I will always love the people I love, in spite of all the pain and heartache. Just my personality to do so, but it doesn't equal to staying with you. As I've mentioned, you're no longer my number one. I am. Simply because if I wasn't anyone's number one, this part of me which is insecure and immature would cringe and wither and die. So I became my number one. So in a way, I've learnt to be as selfish, and to choose my path based on where I think I want to go, rather than where you'd like me to go with you. Is this me being immature? I wonder. Because I feel part of being an adult is knowing when to stop being a bench warmer. When to stop being an option. When to stop being on the wait-list. To walk away from being the spare tire in the boot of the car who deflates while waiting to be of importance.

Anyway, killer week is over! Submitted all my reports and most of my presentations are done and over. One more to go, but then again, I've never really had stage fright so I'm not nervous... All I'm afraid of is forgetting stuff, which happens when I don't have cues or if I didn't write the part that I'm presenting. Yeah, I'm a Corp Comm major, but that doesn't mean my memory is fantastic awesome. Especially if you want me to memorise the history of commercial banking in USA and I don't have any visual cues at all. And if there are problems when setting up the laptop and I'm the first presenter? Sorry but I'm not THAT good yet. Yes, this happened to me in Finance. Major mess and I'll learn from this. Next time I'm not going to prepare one night before, no matter how last minute the meeting to consolidate is. Too much grief with no cues... Either that or I need to foresee such issues when I do slides. Stupid me...

This post is taking longer than usual because I was silly enough to paint my nails just before typing this. Which means I'm using something like 2 fingers to type. Ridiculously difficult as I don't want to scratch the still-wet nails. The lengths girls go to beautify themselves... Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself? I like painting my nails because I love the colours. The awful smell and insanely long time its takes to dry are problems that future producers of nail polish need to resolve, but the colours... I just love colours. Anyone who's ever seen me in real life would know that I always play with colours. Makes me feel good, and nail polish adds another dimension of colour to the overall outfit? If I could, I would change the colour of my polish everyday. I'd probably kill my nails with all chemicals though, so I think I'd refrain from doing so. Really hoping that people who develop nail polish can come up with a solution to its toxicity soon.

L'arc~en~Ciel live will be shown in theatres later this month! My birthday present to myself. Then again, this whole month is to celebrate my birthday! I mean, why make it a one off thing if you can drag it an entire month? Make myself happy and reward myself for surviving all the insane projects and making it to another year. Part of my policy to make myself a happier person, to cherish myself more. Not that I have been physically abusing myself, but mentally? Hating myself and reprimanding myself all the time isn't the way to go...

I think I've decided that I don't ever want to be a housewife. Taking care of my mum and brother is virtually driving me to the edge. I don't deal well with blood and sick people. Not that I cannot, but I had rather not. I feel sad if people aren't well and because I cannot do anything to help them. The feeling of helplessness is horrid. I'm not a control freak, it's just too painful to watch people suffer and there's not a thing you can do to alleviate their pain. I am not a compassionate person per se... I just don't like people to suffer from physical wounds and to look halfway to the place where no one wants to go to. Sigh. Not that I won't take care of my family, I love my family!, but I don't like doing it. I'm not that unfeeling!

"Can you hear me?"