Playlist
Monster by Big Bang
I think this might easily become the song of the year. Without lyrics and its sad enough to make me feel sad. Chorus is insanely catchy. The music video is more of a movie than a music video. Its one of the songs that makes me feel that music, with its heartfelt emotions and brutal honesty, is something that transcends all geographical and linguistic boundaries. I would recommend anyone who ever felt that Korean music was 'for kids' to watch the music video. As a famous YouTube personality so aptly described Big Bang, they are the most creative and gay, and yet non-gay, hip hop group around. Straight men sporting eyeliner, red eyeshadow, funky hair and exuding truckloads of testosterone is not a common occurrence.
Ex-schoolmate got married on Sunday. A friend has applied for a HDB flat under the Fiancée scheme. I am still single, have never even really dated any guy and cannot even fathom being in a steady relationship with anyone, much less get married. Most of the people around me are in stable, relatively happy relationships, with the possible exception of one or two people here and there, and with my parents constantly bugging me to bring home a guy... It would be lie if I said I do not feel any stress. The silly thing is that it is all external in nature. People always tell you to just 'ignore the noise' and to 'take things at your own pace', but let us not kid each other. External forces are plenty strong. You would probably be socially inept if you could block all external sources of stress. The thought of wanting to be attached had never crossed your mind? At all? Not when you walk home at night in the dark, all alone? Not when all your good friends turn you down for a dinner because they have something arranged with their significant others? Not when your peers are walking down the aisle and you realise, slightly belatedly, that you are single and very much available? Think about it a little.
Growing up sure is tough. I seem to have left myself in the past, because I always hesitate a little before saying my age. There is no way I feel like I am twenty two, because my instinct is to say a number that is in the tens. Ok, maybe the only part that I feel that I'm legally an adult is when I have think of my impending graduation and all the money I owe the bank. The weight of school loans is enough to make me feel, albeit monetarily, like an adult. But the thought passes and everything is uncertain and flighty again. Playing the games I used to pursue. Trying to turn back the clock to regain the halcyon days of ignorance and adventure. The line between illusion and reality bleed into each other, and no one is able to point me in a direction that will take me forward. So yes, I am stumbling along and hoping, very desperately praying, that the decisions I make in my current haze do not impede the path I wish to pursue when I'm out of the fog. After all, as I've previously mentioned, the scary thing about not knowing what you want is not knowing if the decisions you make now will one day be an obstacle to you when you know what you want. Abstract concepts for toilet pondering.
Supposed to be studying for JLPT and absolutely without progress on my own. I think I have more discipline when it comes to exercise than studies. I will run four times a week because I want a nicer body, but I refuse to put in the time to study properly to pass the exam. I think it might be because I am tired of staring at work in the office? Running out of stamina, and I know I will really beat myself up if I fail the exam. I really want to pass the exam so that I can proceed with the course. No longer certain about my motivations for studying Japanese because I barely have any interaction with the language. And somehow, the trip to Japan last year just cemented my sense of inferiority in the language. The main driving force is the trip to Japan and until that is confirmed, I think it is highly unlikely that I will plow in the hours to really hit the books. It is not something that can be settled with last minute crash mugging and most unfortunately, knowing this and KNOWING this is two very separate concepts. If I fail this exam, I think I will never continue with lessons. Sad truth is that while I have an interest in the language, it is barely sustainable. My returns on investment seems to have peaked with the trip? I am such a horrid student.
Heading to bed because I need to go to school tomorrow. Submission of a scholarship application form for scholarships that I know full well are inaccessible to me. My fault for being a poor student. Just another one of my pathetic attempts to be less pathetic. Futile struggles against the tide and prolonging my suffering. And I have yet to tell my father about my trip! Might just give it up once more if I cannot locate a decent winter jacket. I need someone to really psyche me up for the trip. Not sure who is capable of this but I sure as hell know its not me. How I have fallen...
"Still far apart, with love still divided... Please remember the me that stood next to you... Please don’t ever forget me..."
