Playlist
One Love by Arashi
Its strange. This feeling. I just realised what it was. A bit silly, considering how I've been feeling this way for quite a while.
Sadness.
Its an amusing emotion. There is something poignant about it. Not like the fleeting illusion of happiness. Nor like the choking weight of anger. Its quieter. More thoughful, in a way. Like a contemplative person by a stream. Where those who are happy live in the blazing roller coaster of life, those who are sad watch the world go by and think of the days that have gone past, and the days that have yet to come. Where those who are angry wreck havoc on this delicate world, those who are sad cherish that which is there, no matter how small or insignificant. Its so romatic, in its own little way. Not a blinding exuberance but a quiet appreciation. Melancholy is an art.
A throbbing awareness that refuses to go away. A tightness that persists no matter how you try to stretch it out. A simmering, accumulating presence. I'm not sure, but I think I can be sad while I'm happy. I can be sad while I'm angry. I can be sad when I'm lonely. To me, sadness is black, with an aquamarine sheen to it. Like the black-green of a beetle. Its dark, but its beautiful as well. Am I reading to much into this? I'm not sure, but I think this is part of maturing. Children are blazing streaks across the sky. Be it day or night, they'd shine bright, staking their claim on some part of the world. As I get older, I've mellowed. You're no longer so insecure as to need a neon presence. All I need is my little space to exist. Its not giving up on the world. Nor is it resignation per se. Its more of... Self acceptance. Where you start to know your true value. You start to understand how its not necessary to stab a flag and stake your territory. You'd just belong. You'd just exist. The world has already known of you, and has reserved a little corner for you.
I think there is bound to be a certain element of mourning in melancholy. A bitter taste, not overwhelming, but there all the same. Useful, for it lets you realise how sweet everything else it. Its a marker to benchmark and compare, and an important one at that. Its a mark of how far we've come.
"Come to play... Forget your troubles... Sing and dance... Today has ended..."
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
English
Playlist
It's My Life by Bon Jovi
I love the English language. Its HILARIOUS. The sentence structures are meant to trip you up and upside down. The vocabulary is borrowed from a multitude of languages so phonetics are a joke. The best part? METAPHORS. Oh boy. The Americans do it like no other nation on Earth. And below is evidence. I laughed so hard I won't have to attend cheer practice for another month. I now have abs from the amount of laughing I did. And my cheeks freaking hurt! So ladies and the odd gentlemen who stumbles across my blog, I present to you excerpts from English essays of high schoolers of the almighty USA!
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. M. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. M. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
I think E.Coli, En Pointe and Garbage Truck are the funniest, althought the others are fantastic as well. Now you know why English and Literature teachers are a psychotic bunch. With stuff like these, who needs comedy!
"Happiness is something that we have to earn with blood, sweat and tears."
It's My Life by Bon Jovi
I love the English language. Its HILARIOUS. The sentence structures are meant to trip you up and upside down. The vocabulary is borrowed from a multitude of languages so phonetics are a joke. The best part? METAPHORS. Oh boy. The Americans do it like no other nation on Earth. And below is evidence. I laughed so hard I won't have to attend cheer practice for another month. I now have abs from the amount of laughing I did. And my cheeks freaking hurt! So ladies and the odd gentlemen who stumbles across my blog, I present to you excerpts from English essays of high schoolers of the almighty USA!
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. M. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. M. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
I think E.Coli, En Pointe and Garbage Truck are the funniest, althought the others are fantastic as well. Now you know why English and Literature teachers are a psychotic bunch. With stuff like these, who needs comedy!
"Happiness is something that we have to earn with blood, sweat and tears."
Monday, 19 October 2009
Personality
Playlist
Glee Soundtrack... Not sure which song...
I came across this on HJ's blog, and did this for fun. Do you think its an accurate description of me? Comments, please?
" I'm greedy. I don't want time to stop when I'm happy, because I know there will be more and happier moments in the future."
Glee Soundtrack... Not sure which song...
I came across this on HJ's blog, and did this for fun. Do you think its an accurate description of me? Comments, please?
Passionate
You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.
You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.
Abrasive
You are accustomed to rubbing people the wrong way; it's simply what happens when you express your opinions. In your opinion, there's nothing wrong with being controversial.
You don't have a "live and let live" attitude when it comes to other people whose opinions clash with yours; you see no reason to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is just plain wrong.
Organized
You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.
Innovative
You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.
Aesthetic
You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.
Creative
You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.
Curious
You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.
Friendly
You would rather hang out with others than spend time alone, and you'd far rather be doing something with your friends than just sitting around. You're happy in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.
You're not a private person who is ill at ease in a group; you don't view excessive socializing as a waste of time.
Accessible
You're comfortable expressing yourself in words and actions, with no self-censorship. You believe that if someone doesn't like what they see it's not your problem, but theirs. A high score on the "accessible" trait suggests that you have a lot of friends, socialize often, and enjoy rap/hip-hop music. ( I LIKE ROCK MUSIC.)
You don't see the need to keep your thoughts to yourself, or to have a zone of privacy that encompasses only yourself and a small circle of friends and relatives.(PFFFT.)
Understanding
You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.
You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Coping
Playlist
Prof as he speaks... HAHA.
Was reading this online, courtesy of HJ, and found this amusing. I guess the person I am now can easily identify and relate to these measures taken. After all, I happen to be more self aware than I was, say, a year ago. This matters a lot, as we grow the most when we’re under 21. Every year, you learn a lot more interesting things. Similarly, I’d also come to appreciate more things that I couldn’t really grasp previously.
Below is the said amusing thing that I stumbled across, directed by HJ. Ladies and gentlemen, a brief idea of the means humankind employ to cope with our horridly cold world. I apologise if the examples are a wee bit biased and if the font is peculiar. I typed it out in Word and now the formatting is completely screwed up. Disgusting how sites can't agree on some nice fonts fro all of us to use. I use Trebuchet usually, but Word's Trebuchet and Blogger's Trebuchet is different. Ridiculous don't you think so?
Here is a full list of coping mechanisms:
* Acting out: not coping - giving in to the pressure to misbehave. In plain English, you succumb to pressure and start fangirling over Cloud with all the 10001 other fangirls even though you HATE Cloud and his ridiculously spiky hair and think Sephiroth with his silky hair is AWESOME GODLINESS.
* Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable. In plain English, since you can’t get Atobe-sama, you settle for oogling at the life-sized poster of him in the bookstore.
* Altruism: Helping others to help self. In plain English, you help your friend and yourself queue for the limited edition Gackt calendar, while she helps the both of you queue for the limited edition hyde poster.
* Attack: trying to beat down that which is threatening you. In plain English, flaming on online forums when you see someone trying to overflame and usurp your position as THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.
* Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress. In plain English, you stop going to the thread where people are flaming you, as you can’t overflame THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.
* Compartmentalization: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments. In plain English, you worry about your costume in the left part of your brain, your school work in the right side of your brain and daydream about Sebastian of Kuroshitsuji with your ENTIRE brain.
* Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another. In plain English, if look fugly, you learn to be a fantastic make-up artist.
* Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms. In plain English, you stalk the idiot who flamed you and beat ‘em up cause you can’t outflame them. Kids, don’t try this at home.
* Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. In plain English, you refuse to acknowledge that you cosfucked by denying that you ever cosplayed at EOY 20XX. But we all know you were there :D
* Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target. In plain English, if you can’t defeat the number one in school, you bully number zero simply because he/she was there and cannot fight back.
* Dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life. In plain English, you have some form of minor split personality. You are Melissa in school, Mel at home and Ah Jie with your after school biker gang.
* Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion. In plain English, you start deconstructing you room, crying, screaming and punching meanwhile, when you realise that Gackt is coming to Singapore. And you do the same when your best friend betrays you. And when you wake up late for school. ‘Nuff said.
* Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility. In plain English, COSPLAY. Disneyland relies on this for the big bucks.
* Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help, then reject it. In plain English, you ask for advice from your friends, but reject all proposals simply because you can’t decide if you want their help or not, but you feel good that they offer you help. If you’re like this, please go jump off some high-rise building.
* Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired. In plain English, you only see how Kurei is hot/amazing/handsome/cool/talented/smart/rich/flamboyant/nice/sweet/refined etc is, completely ignoring that he is a mass murderer/ bastard/cold-blooded/sadistic… You get the drift.
* Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics. In plain English, you see how cool Lacus Clyne is, and you COPY. So that for that 10 minutes in costume, you’re not mean and bitchy, but nice and sweet and kind and lovely…. Let me leave to hurl up my pitiful lunch.
* Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic. In plain English, you rationalise that the $600 lolita dress is worth the money because it’s a) Designed by Mana-san, b) Only 500 pieces are made, c) No one else in Singapore would buy it (No one else is as crazy.) and d) Its got a 0.5% discount!
* Introjection: Bringing things from the outer world into the inner world. In plain English, after cosplaying a lesbian, you realise you have a sudden interest in girls…
* Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance. In plain English, you know your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to break up with you, so you turn off your phone.
* Performing rituals: Patterns that delay. In plain English, you have to listen to Vidoll’s XXX song first thing in the morning every day to make your day better. Personally, I think it’d just make you later if you woke up late, but oh well!
* Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people. In plain English, you think that girl that is a bitch, when you’re the actual mean bitch.
* Provocation: Get others to act so you can retaliate. In plain English, you give people a reason to complain and then you shoot them down. I love this method of coping with stress. Cause its FUN :D
* Rationalization: creating logical reasons for bad behavior. In plain English, it is a lot like idealization. I think she can be a bitch because she’s young/ inexperienced/ silly/ immature… Or just plain stupid, so I cannot fault her behaviour. Right. Who am I trying to delude here?
* Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position. In plain English, I love Atobe-sama so much that I try to decrease the number of fangirls by complaining about him… While I secretly have an Atobe shrine in my room. Man, I should learn to do this…
* Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems. In plain English, you speak and act like an immature baby so that people will not expect much from you. More importantly, you THINK like a baby too!
* Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts. In plain English, even though you think that girl next to you is a fat, talentless, heavy, whiny and irritating bitch, you hide all these under the cover of TEAMWORK and continue working with her.
* Self-harming: physically damaging the body. In plain English, you cut your wrists when stressed. ‘Nuff said.
* Somatization: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms. In plain English, you’re so stressed by your report, that you get stomach flu, fever, the cold… Yeah.
* Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities. In plain English, you’re pissed, so you start cleaning the house, packing your room, washing your clothes… Cool huh? This is of course, a POSITIVE example.
* Substitution: Replacing one thing with another. In plain English, you stop being angry at your mom for not allowing you to go out, and instead, get angry at your sister for borrowing your skirt.
* Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges. In plain English, you really really want to strangle that **** but you hold back. Yay for self-control.
* Symbolization: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols. In plain English… I can’t put this in plain English, most unfortunately. Its an abstract concept to begin with. But think of it as having a nightmare of books falling on you when your library books are due. A little extreme though…
* Trivializing: Making small what is really something big. In plain English, you may have just run over someone in your new car, but you just treat the person like normal roadkill. Okay. Not funny. How about this, you were rejected by the guy you like, and you brush it off by saying he liked you first. Delusional much eh?
* Undoing: actions that psychologically 'undo' wrongdoings for the wrongdoer. In plain English, after you have a huge argument online with your friend, you meet up with her with a box of Junjou cookies, lots of BL drama cds and… VOILA! All is forgiven! You don’t even have to apologise! Cause the boys of Junjou does it so well, no?
Wow. I’m impressed by myself. I think I’m less stressed after doing this actually...
"Let's all sing and dance and celebrate... Even though we all know its a LIE."
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Cheerless
Playlist
Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)
I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.
I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.
One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.
I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?
I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.
No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?
"The noise is killing me..."
Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)
I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.
I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.
One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.
I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?
I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.
No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?
"The noise is killing me..."
Friday, 9 October 2009
Base
Playlist
Goodbye My Love by 8eight
It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.
There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.
I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...
Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.
"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."
Goodbye My Love by 8eight
It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.
There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.
I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...
Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.
"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Demise
Playlist
No mood to listen to music
This is a called a reality check. It is aimed at all my friends. At least, on last count, you were my friend. If you are, please read and understand. Please read and internalize. Because I do not want to say this more times than necessary. Airing dirty laundry is never a good thing.
I'm absolutely stressed. I have to deal with bullying, discrimination and ostracisation EVERY single day. I've had insults a plenty and been put down so many times I sometimes wonder why I bother to get up. My life now is a bed of thorns. I'm not expecting you to think of an answer. I do not need you to interfere. What I need you to do is to stop making my life more difficult! Stop being so reactive. I'm always the one to initiate the meeting. I'm always the one calling you, smsing you, creating the schedule. Could you call me for a change? Ask me how my life is like for a change? Ask me if I have problems for a change? Ask me out for a treat for a change? Why must I be the one desperately chasing after you? Why must I be the one to always to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be strong and listen to you whine to me? I offer comfort to everyone, and pray tell me who offers me comfort in my time of need? I can count with one finger! This is a relationship. Not a one-sided crush! If I'm too much of a burden, tell me. You'll be less of a burden too. I've had enough of rushing to put out people's fires while my house is burning down.
So your life is difficult? I bet its no worse than mine. I'm failing my modules in school. Just had a presentation today, will have a presentation tomorrow, and there's another 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have 2 research papers due in 2 weeks. Mind you, research papers. 10 pages plus of proper writing. Not your smoked 3 page essay. So its plenty of effort all right. And you know I always do my work well. My cca is 3 times a week, and I have a 3 day training camp next week. My Japanese lesson continue. My driving test is in 3 weeks. My never ending school work on top of all these, with me 4 weeks behind class for my assignments on average. I have to do revision because my exams are in 2 weeks. I need to do a mountain of readings to prepare for class. I've say, one good friend in school only. I'm really short on sleep. My arm is injured. My back aches. Your life is bad? Then whats this?
Can you be nice and kind and help me with meeting you? Please? I really want to go out with you. So can you turn up on time when I give you my precious 3 hours? Can you give me a few days of notice? Could you at least put in half as much effort as me? I know I'm not your boyfriend. I know you have your problems. I'm just asking you to try harder. Because at this rate, when I die, you're not invited to my funeral. After all, I bet you wont be able to make it to see for the last time anyway. Besides, whats the point of attending my funeral when you've never bothered to sustain the relationship with me even when I was alive? Trying to gain brownie points so that I'd help you in Hell? Dream on.
Happy Children's Day.
"May we all rest in peace."
No mood to listen to music
This is a called a reality check. It is aimed at all my friends. At least, on last count, you were my friend. If you are, please read and understand. Please read and internalize. Because I do not want to say this more times than necessary. Airing dirty laundry is never a good thing.
I'm absolutely stressed. I have to deal with bullying, discrimination and ostracisation EVERY single day. I've had insults a plenty and been put down so many times I sometimes wonder why I bother to get up. My life now is a bed of thorns. I'm not expecting you to think of an answer. I do not need you to interfere. What I need you to do is to stop making my life more difficult! Stop being so reactive. I'm always the one to initiate the meeting. I'm always the one calling you, smsing you, creating the schedule. Could you call me for a change? Ask me how my life is like for a change? Ask me if I have problems for a change? Ask me out for a treat for a change? Why must I be the one desperately chasing after you? Why must I be the one to always to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be strong and listen to you whine to me? I offer comfort to everyone, and pray tell me who offers me comfort in my time of need? I can count with one finger! This is a relationship. Not a one-sided crush! If I'm too much of a burden, tell me. You'll be less of a burden too. I've had enough of rushing to put out people's fires while my house is burning down.
So your life is difficult? I bet its no worse than mine. I'm failing my modules in school. Just had a presentation today, will have a presentation tomorrow, and there's another 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have 2 research papers due in 2 weeks. Mind you, research papers. 10 pages plus of proper writing. Not your smoked 3 page essay. So its plenty of effort all right. And you know I always do my work well. My cca is 3 times a week, and I have a 3 day training camp next week. My Japanese lesson continue. My driving test is in 3 weeks. My never ending school work on top of all these, with me 4 weeks behind class for my assignments on average. I have to do revision because my exams are in 2 weeks. I need to do a mountain of readings to prepare for class. I've say, one good friend in school only. I'm really short on sleep. My arm is injured. My back aches. Your life is bad? Then whats this?
Can you be nice and kind and help me with meeting you? Please? I really want to go out with you. So can you turn up on time when I give you my precious 3 hours? Can you give me a few days of notice? Could you at least put in half as much effort as me? I know I'm not your boyfriend. I know you have your problems. I'm just asking you to try harder. Because at this rate, when I die, you're not invited to my funeral. After all, I bet you wont be able to make it to see for the last time anyway. Besides, whats the point of attending my funeral when you've never bothered to sustain the relationship with me even when I was alive? Trying to gain brownie points so that I'd help you in Hell? Dream on.
Happy Children's Day.
"May we all rest in peace."
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Brief
Playlist
Without a Heart by 8eight
Yes, I do listen to non-Japanese music.
I'm in an awful mood. A murderous mood to be exact. An infantile squirt made my day awful. It started alright. I had a 1.5 hour driving lesson that was not a disaster, and I had dessert during lunch so I sort of inflated my happiness so that I had more buffer against the nonsense my group cpould throw at me. Next time, I'd need a DOME meal beforehand instead. It was HORRIBLE. Contrary to popular belief, I do not dig boys who espouse vulgarities with every breathe of air they exhale. Neither do I appreciate being told that my death will be something 'everyone' will celebrate. It is downright rude, and this flippant comment has just sent you into my Black List. Should I be given the chance, I promise to make you suffer. As for now, a curse will suffice. May you never achieve the pinnacle of the happiness that was meant to be yours. You will always fall short by that one measely and important inch. What you want will always be within reach, but you will never be able to attain it. Like the man under the apple tree and soaked in water. The apple will be always that one inch away from your lips, and the water one inch away no matter how u bend down. Impossible for you.
Vicious aren't I?
I'm scared. Afriad that I'd fail. I think I've mentioned this here before. Its a terrible feeling, depression is. I know I'm not the only one, which isn't something worth rejoicing about. I do not want my friends to suffer too...
School is killing me. I think its the Week 6-7 syndrome. Where all your work is due. And presentations are to be made. Like trying to make sure you don;t go for your recess week without a fight. Man, the school is mean and vindictive. Why am I not surprised? So yes. I should not be blogging right now. I still have an essay to be completed, but... Yeah. I've run out of nonsense to say about social networking. Don't we all. Sigh.
"見た目から入る恋なんて 夏風邪の次に性質が悪い 散々な前の一件で もう十分懲りたんじゃなかった？”
Without a Heart by 8eight
Yes, I do listen to non-Japanese music.
I'm in an awful mood. A murderous mood to be exact. An infantile squirt made my day awful. It started alright. I had a 1.5 hour driving lesson that was not a disaster, and I had dessert during lunch so I sort of inflated my happiness so that I had more buffer against the nonsense my group cpould throw at me. Next time, I'd need a DOME meal beforehand instead. It was HORRIBLE. Contrary to popular belief, I do not dig boys who espouse vulgarities with every breathe of air they exhale. Neither do I appreciate being told that my death will be something 'everyone' will celebrate. It is downright rude, and this flippant comment has just sent you into my Black List. Should I be given the chance, I promise to make you suffer. As for now, a curse will suffice. May you never achieve the pinnacle of the happiness that was meant to be yours. You will always fall short by that one measely and important inch. What you want will always be within reach, but you will never be able to attain it. Like the man under the apple tree and soaked in water. The apple will be always that one inch away from your lips, and the water one inch away no matter how u bend down. Impossible for you.
Vicious aren't I?
I'm scared. Afriad that I'd fail. I think I've mentioned this here before. Its a terrible feeling, depression is. I know I'm not the only one, which isn't something worth rejoicing about. I do not want my friends to suffer too...
School is killing me. I think its the Week 6-7 syndrome. Where all your work is due. And presentations are to be made. Like trying to make sure you don;t go for your recess week without a fight. Man, the school is mean and vindictive. Why am I not surprised? So yes. I should not be blogging right now. I still have an essay to be completed, but... Yeah. I've run out of nonsense to say about social networking. Don't we all. Sigh.
"見た目から入る恋なんて 夏風邪の次に性質が悪い 散々な前の一件で もう十分懲りたんじゃなかった？”
Friday, 25 September 2009
Stink
Playlist
BGS Lecture by Prof
Yes, I'm in class. I am paying attention. Its sort of like common sense in its real life terms. I mean, most people would know of all these if they paid attention to the news. If they read more. If they had parents like mine. HAHA. So don't judge me.
Not a positive start to my first post in about a month. Lets jus give you the summary. School stinks.
Its boring. And tiring. Slogging your guts out with no visible end in mind. Presentations equal loads of time wasted as people arrive late and don't bother to do their share of the work. Assignments are rushed out at 2am in the morning. Not because I have too much rest nor because I really like being up awake at unearthly hours of the day. Heck, I would sleep my life away if I could! Rather, its as I have absolutly no time to complete my work within the designated hours of normal working hours, such as 8am to 10pm. I can almost understand why some choose to plagarise. The work you do seems to have no value-adding qualities, yet you have to do it. Why do we bother? Grades. Ahhh, working towards the long term goal of a good life eh... So we kill our dreams, our sense of self, reduce our values to mere trifles... HAHA. Is this what the education is supposed to be? Teaching us how to become cogs in the wheel of industry. WOW. I sound like some maniacal reformist.
Went for Noah shoot on Monday. It was a semi disaster. The weather was awfully warm, partially because we started late, and the whole noob fiasco occurred as well. Of course there were some who did well. It was sooo obvious from the camera who the focus was. Definitely not some of us. Rather insulting, though I cannot really blame the photographers. I've been taking Queenie for granted. There was a lack of engagement and connection, like they had no real focus and was just snapping away. I know photography is a hobby, but maybe... Just maybe, you could give me more attention? Concentrate more? Cosplay is a hobby, and I put in way more effort than you dear. You dont need to dress up, nor act, nor direct nor recce the location... So you'd bloody well give me a hundred percent. I know we started late. I know the weather was bad. I know we mightnt have met your wonderfully high expectations. But I think we deserve the effort. Its called respect. You commited, so give me what you promised.
The next week is going to be a mess of deadlines. Miss 'em and I'm dead, so I dont think I'd be available much. My sincere apologies. I know I owe you guys more time. Wait. I think you guys owe me your time! Can you and you tell me where and when you want to meet? You know who you are. I expect a call/sms within the the next two weeks. Its after your exams. You have time. You'd better keep your word. I want strawberry ice cream! Famous Amos cookies would be awesome! Yeah. I'm always hungry. Live with it.
Oh an advertisement! Anyone wants to be my Count D/ Phantom Knight? Count D from Petshop of Horrors and Phantom Kinght form Witch Hunter, both available on Mangafox. Pretty please? I think the teams are going to be fabulous.^^
"Tear everything apart. Lets start everything again, and hope we shant make the same mistakes."
BGS Lecture by Prof
Yes, I'm in class. I am paying attention. Its sort of like common sense in its real life terms. I mean, most people would know of all these if they paid attention to the news. If they read more. If they had parents like mine. HAHA. So don't judge me.
Not a positive start to my first post in about a month. Lets jus give you the summary. School stinks.
Its boring. And tiring. Slogging your guts out with no visible end in mind. Presentations equal loads of time wasted as people arrive late and don't bother to do their share of the work. Assignments are rushed out at 2am in the morning. Not because I have too much rest nor because I really like being up awake at unearthly hours of the day. Heck, I would sleep my life away if I could! Rather, its as I have absolutly no time to complete my work within the designated hours of normal working hours, such as 8am to 10pm. I can almost understand why some choose to plagarise. The work you do seems to have no value-adding qualities, yet you have to do it. Why do we bother? Grades. Ahhh, working towards the long term goal of a good life eh... So we kill our dreams, our sense of self, reduce our values to mere trifles... HAHA. Is this what the education is supposed to be? Teaching us how to become cogs in the wheel of industry. WOW. I sound like some maniacal reformist.
Went for Noah shoot on Monday. It was a semi disaster. The weather was awfully warm, partially because we started late, and the whole noob fiasco occurred as well. Of course there were some who did well. It was sooo obvious from the camera who the focus was. Definitely not some of us. Rather insulting, though I cannot really blame the photographers. I've been taking Queenie for granted. There was a lack of engagement and connection, like they had no real focus and was just snapping away. I know photography is a hobby, but maybe... Just maybe, you could give me more attention? Concentrate more? Cosplay is a hobby, and I put in way more effort than you dear. You dont need to dress up, nor act, nor direct nor recce the location... So you'd bloody well give me a hundred percent. I know we started late. I know the weather was bad. I know we mightnt have met your wonderfully high expectations. But I think we deserve the effort. Its called respect. You commited, so give me what you promised.
The next week is going to be a mess of deadlines. Miss 'em and I'm dead, so I dont think I'd be available much. My sincere apologies. I know I owe you guys more time. Wait. I think you guys owe me your time! Can you and you tell me where and when you want to meet? You know who you are. I expect a call/sms within the the next two weeks. Its after your exams. You have time. You'd better keep your word. I want strawberry ice cream! Famous Amos cookies would be awesome! Yeah. I'm always hungry. Live with it.
Oh an advertisement! Anyone wants to be my Count D/ Phantom Knight? Count D from Petshop of Horrors and Phantom Kinght form Witch Hunter, both available on Mangafox. Pretty please? I think the teams are going to be fabulous.^^
"Tear everything apart. Lets start everything again, and hope we shant make the same mistakes."
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Tagged
Playlist
Two Hurt By Deluhi
RULES:
1. Post the rules.
2. Each tagged person must tell 8 things about themselves.
3. At the end you have to tag 8 people and post their icons in your journal.
4. Go back to their page and leave a comment saying you tagged them.
5. NO TAG BACKS
1) I like to talk to inanimate objects. Among them are, in no particular order, :
a. My Bento (I really like talking to computers. I like scolding them too.)
b) My darling (Yes, I snuggle and talk to it. So bite me.)
c) My Chocolate (Especially when the earpiece cable refuses to be detected.)
d) My clothes. (Yes. I do.)
If I say anymore you'll start laughing, so I shan't continue.
2) I like dark chocolate. I really really really like dark chocolate. 'Nuff said.
3) I'm very particular about my choice of words. Stop automatically elevating your status to 'friend' when you're only an 'acquaintance'.
4) The longest I've ever waited for someone is 4 hours. Wanna know who has that dubious honour?
5) My favourite subject is English Literature.
6) Which is why I have no idea why I'm studying Business.
7)I need to be fed to be kept happy. I particularly like Famous Amos and Japanese food as bribes.
8) I think this is a waste of time, but I did it any way.
Tagged:
Anyone and everyone who reads this?
Two Hurt By Deluhi
RULES:
1. Post the rules.
2. Each tagged person must tell 8 things about themselves.
3. At the end you have to tag 8 people and post their icons in your journal.
4. Go back to their page and leave a comment saying you tagged them.
5. NO TAG BACKS
1) I like to talk to inanimate objects. Among them are, in no particular order, :
a. My Bento (I really like talking to computers. I like scolding them too.)
b) My darling (Yes, I snuggle and talk to it. So bite me.)
c) My Chocolate (Especially when the earpiece cable refuses to be detected.)
d) My clothes. (Yes. I do.)
If I say anymore you'll start laughing, so I shan't continue.
2) I like dark chocolate. I really really really like dark chocolate. 'Nuff said.
3) I'm very particular about my choice of words. Stop automatically elevating your status to 'friend' when you're only an 'acquaintance'.
4) The longest I've ever waited for someone is 4 hours. Wanna know who has that dubious honour?
5) My favourite subject is English Literature.
6) Which is why I have no idea why I'm studying Business.
7)I need to be fed to be kept happy. I particularly like Famous Amos and Japanese food as bribes.
8) I think this is a waste of time, but I did it any way.
Tagged:
Anyone and everyone who reads this?
Friday, 28 August 2009
幸せの為に
プァーイリスト
リヴィングデッド Deluhi 製
よかった！
あの人は全然知らない。
知ったら、私たちの友情。。。私の世界。。。意味がない。
あの時の幸せ感じ、私は忘れたない。
私たち幸せの為に、私は絶対に言いない。。。
有難う。
全部破壊くても。。。
私は幸せですよ！
寂しいの時、
落ち込んだの時、
怒っているの時。。。
あなたは常に私の重要力。
有難う。
“醒めぬ眠りに落ちても。。。怯えることはないから。。。思い出せない”
リヴィングデッド Deluhi 製
よかった！
あの人は全然知らない。
知ったら、私たちの友情。。。私の世界。。。意味がない。
あの時の幸せ感じ、私は忘れたない。
私たち幸せの為に、私は絶対に言いない。。。
有難う。
全部破壊くても。。。
私は幸せですよ！
寂しいの時、
落ち込んだの時、
怒っているの時。。。
あなたは常に私の重要力。
有難う。
“醒めぬ眠りに落ちても。。。怯えることはないから。。。思い出せない”
Monday, 24 August 2009
Claws
Playlist
Ajisai by SID
I bet she took me for a fool. Sauntering up to me and pretending to be all nice and familiar. As if we were long lost best friends. DAMN YOU BITCH. You're an affront to my senses. I wouldn't even bother trying to regurgitate what I ate. I mean, its only going to hurt my body. Sorry darling, but you are so totally not worth it. Not like you can tell though. I'm always smiling and polite. I'd never ever tell you that you're that scheming fat bitch who ruined a good two years of my life. I mean, whats the point? You'd most probably win people to your side with your wealth and looks. And I'm not bothered enough to try and convince the whole world that you're bloody shit. Heck, no way am I going to compete when I'm all set out to lose to you! I'm not stupid. I'll bide my time. You don't have to physically torture people. You don't have to plant a stupid flag in the middle of the room and draw a line demarcing territories. We aren't animals sugah. We'll claw each other where no one can see the wounds and continue with our stage faces. Yeah. I'm a bitch too. All thanks to you, I'm slightly vindictive, cynical, skeptical and oh-so-very mean. In short, I'm a bitch too. Oh no, not a full time Mean Girls type. Rather, I'm the type who's a closet bitch. You know, the type that does you little favours and throws you headfirst into the well with a rock attached when its high tide? Yeah. I'm that type that you cant really tell if its friend or foe. Isnt that wonderful? Life just got so much more exciting. I promise to stab you in the back when you're not looking. I'll even dispose of you while you're down and out. Yeah. I learnt this from you. Aren't you glad? You're the reason why I'm like this. Be honoured.
Oh. Shall I stop here? I shan't let the whole wide world see what an awful person I am. Then again... I'm what you make of me no?
"If you want loyalty, get a dog."
Ajisai by SID
I bet she took me for a fool. Sauntering up to me and pretending to be all nice and familiar. As if we were long lost best friends. DAMN YOU BITCH. You're an affront to my senses. I wouldn't even bother trying to regurgitate what I ate. I mean, its only going to hurt my body. Sorry darling, but you are so totally not worth it. Not like you can tell though. I'm always smiling and polite. I'd never ever tell you that you're that scheming fat bitch who ruined a good two years of my life. I mean, whats the point? You'd most probably win people to your side with your wealth and looks. And I'm not bothered enough to try and convince the whole world that you're bloody shit. Heck, no way am I going to compete when I'm all set out to lose to you! I'm not stupid. I'll bide my time. You don't have to physically torture people. You don't have to plant a stupid flag in the middle of the room and draw a line demarcing territories. We aren't animals sugah. We'll claw each other where no one can see the wounds and continue with our stage faces. Yeah. I'm a bitch too. All thanks to you, I'm slightly vindictive, cynical, skeptical and oh-so-very mean. In short, I'm a bitch too. Oh no, not a full time Mean Girls type. Rather, I'm the type who's a closet bitch. You know, the type that does you little favours and throws you headfirst into the well with a rock attached when its high tide? Yeah. I'm that type that you cant really tell if its friend or foe. Isnt that wonderful? Life just got so much more exciting. I promise to stab you in the back when you're not looking. I'll even dispose of you while you're down and out. Yeah. I learnt this from you. Aren't you glad? You're the reason why I'm like this. Be honoured.
Oh. Shall I stop here? I shan't let the whole wide world see what an awful person I am. Then again... I'm what you make of me no?
"If you want loyalty, get a dog."
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Hyotei MeMe
Playlist
Drive Me Wild by Kato Kazuki
This is the amazing meme that I stumbled upon. Hyotel love banzai! 100 questions! Took me near an hour, but BOY, was it worth every single minute I spent typing. I love Atobe-sama. Its a fact. HAHA. So here goes... Meet the hot boys of Hyotei Gakuen!
01- Atobe- "Aa~n? Say your name before me, at least." Yukino! *faints*
02- Oshitari- "Oh~ That's your name? Nice meeting you." Nice to meet you toooo~! *OMG!*
03- Akutagawa-"Oshi~ you look really perverted. You should be careful of him!" Ah~ Its ok! *Oshitari can be as perverted as he wants... JIROUUUUU~*
04- Mukahi- "100 questions seems tough for you..." Its ok, I've done more. *Wanna glomp Gakutoooo~*
05- Ootori- "We are happy to meet you. It may seem strange, but good luck." AWWW~ Thank you!
06- Kabaji- "Usu." Hello to you too :)
07- Hiyoshi- "...well, let us start the questions. Are you ready?" Sure!
08- Shishido- "Ready or not, we'll just start." No problems! *So eager nyah~*
09- Atobe- "Geez. And, say what your birthday is. I can think of a present for you maybe." November 24th!
10- Ootori- "Then do you know my birthday?" Valentine's Day. Lovely nyah~
11- Shishido- "Then what is your zodiac symbol? Oh, it's not like I have any interest or anything, ok?!" Saggitaurus. *Not your type no? BWAHAHAHA*
12- Oshitari- "Hey, how old are you going to be? If you don't want to say it out loud, you can tell me privately." 19! *I cant believe I'm older then them~*
13- Hiyoshi- "What's your blood type?" B+
14- Atobe- "There are some people out there who says my perfect hair style was ripped off Kikumaru but, you don't think so, right?" NO WAY! Atobe-sama is the MOST AWESOME!
15- Kabaji- "Do you like tall people?" You...You're TALKING???? Err. Yes.
16- Mukahi- "So, is your name real? If it has any meaning behind it, can you tell me?" It means... Err. Its a really really long story... You sure you have the patience to listen?
17- Akutagawa- "Oh~ Well, real name or fake name it doesn't change who you are~" *hugs*
18- Atobe- "Of course, I highly doubt you won't choose anyone besides me for this response, but who do you like in Hyotei?" ATOBE-SAMA OF COURSE! I kinda like Oshitari too... But Atobe-sama is Number One!
19- Ootori- "Do you have a website?" Yes!
20- Shishido- "Then, if it won't be a bother, will you put our questions on your site? Then you know...we seem more loved..." *blush*SURE! I will definitely share the Hyotei Love!
21- Oshitari-"What's wrong, Shishido? You're blushing. By the way, do you have costumes you would like for us to wear?" Huh? I like the Hyotei tennis attire just fine!
22- Oshitari- "I see, I see. : looking satisfied : I personally would like to wear a doctor's coat. And you can be my patient. I'll do your personal checkup." It isnt good to be too forward nyah~
23- Hiyoshi- "Oshitari-senpai, I'll seriously punch you...Hey, do you have anything you like to eat?" I love anything without chilli, bittergourd and with minimal fried onions and ginger.
24- Hiyoshi- "Then would you like to drop by after this? I know a good restaurant." Sure thing! We can go with everyone! *I wanna go with Atobe-sama!*
25- Akutagawa- "Woah~...we can't keep Waka on the side...Then, next time I'll nap with you! Can I?" Sure! *Jirou is like some cuddly cat or dog....*
26- Kabaji- " Usu!" ( translation- Probably a "no" ) Huh? Why not?
27- Atobe- "What? You understand Kabaji-language too? That's pretty good. Why don't you become Hyotei's manager? I'll welcome you here." I'm lousy at tennis you know... But I'm a schedule-freak, so SURE! *KYAH~!*
28- Atobe- "It's decided now. There're a lot of jobs, you know?" : grin : *faints at the grin*
29- Mukahi- "So, yea. Do you like other schools or something too?" Not really... Rikkai?
30- Mukahi- "...no! If you mingle with them, I don't know what will happen to you...Don't go anywhere, ok?" Rikkai cant be THAT bad... But I'd gladly stay with you guys!
31- Ootori- "By the way, what kind of clothes do you usually wear? For instance, at home?" T-shirt and shorts? *What are you implying, you naughty chouta-kun~*
32- Ootori- "Hyotei's school uniform is nice, but I like women who wear simple stuff. Next time, may I visit your house?" If you want to, I dont mind. *I wanna go Atobe-sama's house~*
33- Kabaji- "Usu..." Sure, Kabaji can come too~ *Cause then Atobe-sama will come!*
34- Shishido- "So, how did you find out about Tenipuri? Can you tell me?" Through Tezuka's seiyuu.
35- Oshitari- "Most people say that their first impression of us was pretty bad, but what did you think?" No way! I fell in love with Hyotei the moment I saw you guys!
36- Mukahi- "Don't tell me you cheered for other schools besides Hyotei at that time?" Eh. Rikkai. Fudomine. Fuji-kun... SORRY!
37- Hiyoshi- "Gekokujou (Supplanting one's superior). Shall we try that some time?" My tennis is AWFUL. So yeah, more practice would be ideal...
38- Atobe- "You, what kind of flower do you like?" Any flower thats still attached to a pot or the ground. I'm against cutting flowers.
39- Akutagawa- "You seem to ask similar questions, Atobe. During your birthday, she's (you're) going to spend time with me~"*I'm so sorry Jirou, but I dont think soooo*
40- Akutagawa- "Oh! What do you think we will become in the future? Personally, I want to be your husband." Eh?! *NO WAY. Being my pet is ok. I want Atobe-sama~!*
41- Oshitari- "What are you saying, Jiro? My future will be her (your) personal doctor!" If you want to~ Its not against the law or anything...
42- Shishido- "Are you guys having fun saying stuff like that...Anyway, going back to what I was saying, what do you do on your website anyway?" Its a personal blog plus an archive of my cosplay stuff...
43- Hiyoshi- "Seems like there are stuff like Seme, Uke, and dream novels out there."*HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW OF MY DRAFTS?*
44- Hiyoshi- "I don't have anything against it, but if you like it I don't mind." I see. Sure. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. Yeah. *ATOBE-SAMA!!*
45- Ootori- "Are you getting a bit tired? I'm sorry. We're kind of excited having you join us." I'm not tired! I'm really happy to be doing this too!
46- Atobe- "Let's take a break. If you're tired, you should say so. Kabaji, bring tea." Thank you... *OMG! Atobe-sama~~~~*
47- Kabaji- "Usu." Thanks!
48- Shishido- "Don't you think Atobe is really nice for some odd reason? It's so strange, it gives me the creeps..." Weird? I think its really sweet... *ATOBE-SAMA!~*
49- Mukahi- "Here's a question! Right in front of you is English Tea, Green Tea, and juice." Juice please. or English Tea.
50- Akutagawa- "Ah! Gakkun, that's not fair! Me too!" Do you want some?
51- Oshitari- "Hey, you guys are the most drunk right now...don't you think so?" Drunk on tea?
52- Atobe- "Besides, the only one who can say "drunk" in a sentence is me. Hey, get drunk at my beautiful skills." *faints internally!*
53- Hiyoshi- "Weren't we supposed to let her (you) take a break? Sorry, but feel free to relax." I'm fine... Thank you.
54- All- "Phew"*smiles*
55- Ootori- "Well, did you relax? Can we continue with the questions?" Of course!
56- Shishido- "Ok. Well, let's start. Do you have any favorite subjects in school?" Literature. Geography. I love learning languages...
57- Atobe- "I'm good at English, German, French, and almost anything. Want me to whisper something by your ear?"S-sure? *OMG!!!!! whisper A LOT of somethings please! Someone kill me! KYAH~!*
58- Akutagawa- "Do you cook? I would be happy trying something you make~ Can you make me something next time?" Sure! I like making desserts and pastries...
59- Hiyoshi- "What are your hobbies?" Reading. Listening to music. Translating. Cosplay...
60- Shishido- "Then, do you have any special talents? Like Choutarou's scud serve, which is pretty good." Special talent? Hmm. I'm really flexible, but I dont think thats a talent...
61- Mukahi- "What about something you just hate? I am rather weak on stuff that's bad for your heart." I hate being bored. And being lonely... *hints*
62- Kabaji- "Is there a reason why you like Hyotei?" Because you you guys!
63- Oshitari- "Got any habits?" HAHA. Many!
64- Hiyoshi- "Do you have a favorite season? Any reason why?" Winter! I get to wear different clothes!
65- Akutagawa- "Hey hey, have you cut class before?" Yes. A few times. SHHH!
66- Akutagawa- "Ohh~ Well, I cut a lot...I'm at the roof of the school usually so come over sometime!" Sure!
67- Atobe- "Do you have any pets?" Used to have fishes. I want a cat... *Jirou would be a nice pet tooo~*
68- Atobe- "I can make you my pet. There's no reason for you to reject."*OMG. I totally will agree to this! Like he said, no reason to object!* Ah~ *blush*
69- Ootori- "Then which do you like better, dogs or cats? I'm usually treated like a dog so it's kind of tough." I love cats more than dogs. But Chouta-kun is kawaii... *smiles*
70- Shishido- "Kind of hard to ask but, I'll ask. When was your first love?" Hmm. Shall I say this?
71- Kabaji- "Then...you've dated before?" You're talking! Nopes.
72- Hiyoshi- "From now on, please don't look at any males besides me?"Eh~ ?*NO WAY! I WANNA LOOK AT ATOBE-SAMA!*
73- Mukahi- "Ah. I don't like girls who wear a lot of make up. You're fine like this so don't do anything, ok?!" Sure!
74- Oshitari- "Yeah yeah...You know, I wanted to ask this question the most~" Sure!
75- Oshitari- "Here we go. Tell me your height, weight and 3 sizes~" Height is 167cm. Im now around 53kg... 3 sizes... Hmm. Shant tell you! ^^
76- Mukahi- "Yuushi, you have an eyes of a pervert..." *laughs* Its ok.
77- Atobe- "You shouldn't tell your 3 sizes to that idiot. The beast will end up returning to the his true form." I know... *Atobe-sama~~~~*
78- Kabaji- "Usu." Thanks for the concern~
79- Ootori- "Let's leave these people aside, and let's have fun here." : smile : *I wanna stay with Atobe-sama~~~*
80- Ootori- "By the way, how do you spend your days off?" Blogging. Chatting online. Reading. Household chores. Out with friends...
81- Ootori- "Then if you're bored, will you go out with me? We can go anywhere you want." Okay!
82- Shishido- "Which do you like more? Anipuri or the manga?" Eh. EH. I CANT CHOOOSE!
83- Akutagawa- "Hey~ what do you think about Sakaki director?" One word. Cool.
84- Akutagawa- "He's a music teacher~ It may seem kinda strange, but he's a pretty good director. He teaches us well too. So, don't hate him, ok?" I like him actually.
85- Hiyoshi- "Do you think there're other sports besides Tennis that might suit us?" Sports? Not really. You guys can join Drama though.
86- Oshitari- "Do you think there's some one in here that might have a dark sided hobby?" You? *smiles* *closet PERVERT* * But I dont mind~~*
87- Mukahi- "What do you think Jiro dreams of when he's sleeping?" Of sleeping more?
88- Shishido- "Oh, I nearly forgot...it's almost time." Time for?
89- Ootori- "...It's a pity but, we had a lot of fun." Its over? *Atobe~~~~*
90- Akutagawa- "It's a promise, we're going to nap together!" Sure!
91- Oshitari- "If you don't want to be my patient, I can have you in a nurse's outfit." Hmm. I'll consider. ^^
92- Hiyoshi- "I would be happy if we can speak one to one some time. I would like to know about you more." Same here!
93- Mukahi- "You know...Um, nevermind. Come again anytime." Heehee. Sure!
94- Kabaji- "Usu." Usu too :D
95- Atobe- "Aa~n? What do you want from me?" Can I have a goodbye hug? *gets bricked the one million and one other fangirls*
96- Atobe- "...Sorry for making you stick around with us all the way here. Go home and sleep. Or you can't sleep alone?" : grin : *blush* I sometimes cant... *blush*
97- Atobe- "Uh huh, yeah yeah. Well, I'll see you...Ah? You're already the manager here." I'm hired? Woah!
98- Atobe- "I won't let you complain, got it?" Yes! Thank you Atobe-sama!
99- Sakaki- "You may go!" Woah! *where did he appear from?* Yes sir!
100- Before you go...Any final comments after finishing this? HYOTEI BANZAI!
OMG. I LOVE THE HYOTEI BOYS~ My face would be red if I could blush! I love Atobe. Seriously. I do. He's so amazing. And cute. And talented. What with the extremely aggressive natural play-style and all. I wanna meet his family actually. Maybe the manga can have sides about his family? It should be mind-blowing awesome-ness!
"HYOTEI!"
Drive Me Wild by Kato Kazuki
This is the amazing meme that I stumbled upon. Hyotel love banzai! 100 questions! Took me near an hour, but BOY, was it worth every single minute I spent typing. I love Atobe-sama. Its a fact. HAHA. So here goes... Meet the hot boys of Hyotei Gakuen!
01- Atobe- "Aa~n? Say your name before me, at least." Yukino! *faints*
02- Oshitari- "Oh~ That's your name? Nice meeting you." Nice to meet you toooo~! *OMG!*
03- Akutagawa-"Oshi~ you look really perverted. You should be careful of him!" Ah~ Its ok! *Oshitari can be as perverted as he wants... JIROUUUUU~*
04- Mukahi- "100 questions seems tough for you..." Its ok, I've done more. *Wanna glomp Gakutoooo~*
05- Ootori- "We are happy to meet you. It may seem strange, but good luck." AWWW~ Thank you!
06- Kabaji- "Usu." Hello to you too :)
07- Hiyoshi- "...well, let us start the questions. Are you ready?" Sure!
08- Shishido- "Ready or not, we'll just start." No problems! *So eager nyah~*
09- Atobe- "Geez. And, say what your birthday is. I can think of a present for you maybe." November 24th!
10- Ootori- "Then do you know my birthday?" Valentine's Day. Lovely nyah~
11- Shishido- "Then what is your zodiac symbol? Oh, it's not like I have any interest or anything, ok?!" Saggitaurus. *Not your type no? BWAHAHAHA*
12- Oshitari- "Hey, how old are you going to be? If you don't want to say it out loud, you can tell me privately." 19! *I cant believe I'm older then them~*
13- Hiyoshi- "What's your blood type?" B+
14- Atobe- "There are some people out there who says my perfect hair style was ripped off Kikumaru but, you don't think so, right?" NO WAY! Atobe-sama is the MOST AWESOME!
15- Kabaji- "Do you like tall people?" You...You're TALKING???? Err. Yes.
16- Mukahi- "So, is your name real? If it has any meaning behind it, can you tell me?" It means... Err. Its a really really long story... You sure you have the patience to listen?
17- Akutagawa- "Oh~ Well, real name or fake name it doesn't change who you are~" *hugs*
18- Atobe- "Of course, I highly doubt you won't choose anyone besides me for this response, but who do you like in Hyotei?" ATOBE-SAMA OF COURSE! I kinda like Oshitari too... But Atobe-sama is Number One!
19- Ootori- "Do you have a website?" Yes!
20- Shishido- "Then, if it won't be a bother, will you put our questions on your site? Then you know...we seem more loved..." *blush*SURE! I will definitely share the Hyotei Love!
21- Oshitari-"What's wrong, Shishido? You're blushing. By the way, do you have costumes you would like for us to wear?" Huh? I like the Hyotei tennis attire just fine!
22- Oshitari- "I see, I see. : looking satisfied : I personally would like to wear a doctor's coat. And you can be my patient. I'll do your personal checkup." It isnt good to be too forward nyah~
23- Hiyoshi- "Oshitari-senpai, I'll seriously punch you...Hey, do you have anything you like to eat?" I love anything without chilli, bittergourd and with minimal fried onions and ginger.
24- Hiyoshi- "Then would you like to drop by after this? I know a good restaurant." Sure thing! We can go with everyone! *I wanna go with Atobe-sama!*
25- Akutagawa- "Woah~...we can't keep Waka on the side...Then, next time I'll nap with you! Can I?" Sure! *Jirou is like some cuddly cat or dog....*
26- Kabaji- " Usu!" ( translation- Probably a "no" ) Huh? Why not?
27- Atobe- "What? You understand Kabaji-language too? That's pretty good. Why don't you become Hyotei's manager? I'll welcome you here." I'm lousy at tennis you know... But I'm a schedule-freak, so SURE! *KYAH~!*
28- Atobe- "It's decided now. There're a lot of jobs, you know?" : grin : *faints at the grin*
29- Mukahi- "So, yea. Do you like other schools or something too?" Not really... Rikkai?
30- Mukahi- "...no! If you mingle with them, I don't know what will happen to you...Don't go anywhere, ok?" Rikkai cant be THAT bad... But I'd gladly stay with you guys!
31- Ootori- "By the way, what kind of clothes do you usually wear? For instance, at home?" T-shirt and shorts? *What are you implying, you naughty chouta-kun~*
32- Ootori- "Hyotei's school uniform is nice, but I like women who wear simple stuff. Next time, may I visit your house?" If you want to, I dont mind. *I wanna go Atobe-sama's house~*
33- Kabaji- "Usu..." Sure, Kabaji can come too~ *Cause then Atobe-sama will come!*
34- Shishido- "So, how did you find out about Tenipuri? Can you tell me?" Through Tezuka's seiyuu.
35- Oshitari- "Most people say that their first impression of us was pretty bad, but what did you think?" No way! I fell in love with Hyotei the moment I saw you guys!
36- Mukahi- "Don't tell me you cheered for other schools besides Hyotei at that time?" Eh. Rikkai. Fudomine. Fuji-kun... SORRY!
37- Hiyoshi- "Gekokujou (Supplanting one's superior). Shall we try that some time?" My tennis is AWFUL. So yeah, more practice would be ideal...
38- Atobe- "You, what kind of flower do you like?" Any flower thats still attached to a pot or the ground. I'm against cutting flowers.
39- Akutagawa- "You seem to ask similar questions, Atobe. During your birthday, she's (you're) going to spend time with me~"*I'm so sorry Jirou, but I dont think soooo*
40- Akutagawa- "Oh! What do you think we will become in the future? Personally, I want to be your husband." Eh?! *NO WAY. Being my pet is ok. I want Atobe-sama~!*
41- Oshitari- "What are you saying, Jiro? My future will be her (your) personal doctor!" If you want to~ Its not against the law or anything...
42- Shishido- "Are you guys having fun saying stuff like that...Anyway, going back to what I was saying, what do you do on your website anyway?" Its a personal blog plus an archive of my cosplay stuff...
43- Hiyoshi- "Seems like there are stuff like Seme, Uke, and dream novels out there."*HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW OF MY DRAFTS?*
44- Hiyoshi- "I don't have anything against it, but if you like it I don't mind." I see. Sure. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. Yeah. *ATOBE-SAMA!!*
45- Ootori- "Are you getting a bit tired? I'm sorry. We're kind of excited having you join us." I'm not tired! I'm really happy to be doing this too!
46- Atobe- "Let's take a break. If you're tired, you should say so. Kabaji, bring tea." Thank you... *OMG! Atobe-sama~~~~*
47- Kabaji- "Usu." Thanks!
48- Shishido- "Don't you think Atobe is really nice for some odd reason? It's so strange, it gives me the creeps..." Weird? I think its really sweet... *ATOBE-SAMA!~*
49- Mukahi- "Here's a question! Right in front of you is English Tea, Green Tea, and juice." Juice please. or English Tea.
50- Akutagawa- "Ah! Gakkun, that's not fair! Me too!" Do you want some?
51- Oshitari- "Hey, you guys are the most drunk right now...don't you think so?" Drunk on tea?
52- Atobe- "Besides, the only one who can say "drunk" in a sentence is me. Hey, get drunk at my beautiful skills." *faints internally!*
53- Hiyoshi- "Weren't we supposed to let her (you) take a break? Sorry, but feel free to relax." I'm fine... Thank you.
54- All- "Phew"*smiles*
55- Ootori- "Well, did you relax? Can we continue with the questions?" Of course!
56- Shishido- "Ok. Well, let's start. Do you have any favorite subjects in school?" Literature. Geography. I love learning languages...
57- Atobe- "I'm good at English, German, French, and almost anything. Want me to whisper something by your ear?"S-sure? *OMG!!!!! whisper A LOT of somethings please! Someone kill me! KYAH~!*
58- Akutagawa- "Do you cook? I would be happy trying something you make~ Can you make me something next time?" Sure! I like making desserts and pastries...
59- Hiyoshi- "What are your hobbies?" Reading. Listening to music. Translating. Cosplay...
60- Shishido- "Then, do you have any special talents? Like Choutarou's scud serve, which is pretty good." Special talent? Hmm. I'm really flexible, but I dont think thats a talent...
61- Mukahi- "What about something you just hate? I am rather weak on stuff that's bad for your heart." I hate being bored. And being lonely... *hints*
62- Kabaji- "Is there a reason why you like Hyotei?" Because you you guys!
63- Oshitari- "Got any habits?" HAHA. Many!
64- Hiyoshi- "Do you have a favorite season? Any reason why?" Winter! I get to wear different clothes!
65- Akutagawa- "Hey hey, have you cut class before?" Yes. A few times. SHHH!
66- Akutagawa- "Ohh~ Well, I cut a lot...I'm at the roof of the school usually so come over sometime!" Sure!
67- Atobe- "Do you have any pets?" Used to have fishes. I want a cat... *Jirou would be a nice pet tooo~*
68- Atobe- "I can make you my pet. There's no reason for you to reject."*OMG. I totally will agree to this! Like he said, no reason to object!* Ah~ *blush*
69- Ootori- "Then which do you like better, dogs or cats? I'm usually treated like a dog so it's kind of tough." I love cats more than dogs. But Chouta-kun is kawaii... *smiles*
70- Shishido- "Kind of hard to ask but, I'll ask. When was your first love?" Hmm. Shall I say this?
71- Kabaji- "Then...you've dated before?" You're talking! Nopes.
72- Hiyoshi- "From now on, please don't look at any males besides me?"Eh~ ?*NO WAY! I WANNA LOOK AT ATOBE-SAMA!*
73- Mukahi- "Ah. I don't like girls who wear a lot of make up. You're fine like this so don't do anything, ok?!" Sure!
74- Oshitari- "Yeah yeah...You know, I wanted to ask this question the most~" Sure!
75- Oshitari- "Here we go. Tell me your height, weight and 3 sizes~" Height is 167cm. Im now around 53kg... 3 sizes... Hmm. Shant tell you! ^^
76- Mukahi- "Yuushi, you have an eyes of a pervert..." *laughs* Its ok.
77- Atobe- "You shouldn't tell your 3 sizes to that idiot. The beast will end up returning to the his true form." I know... *Atobe-sama~~~~*
78- Kabaji- "Usu." Thanks for the concern~
79- Ootori- "Let's leave these people aside, and let's have fun here." : smile : *I wanna stay with Atobe-sama~~~*
80- Ootori- "By the way, how do you spend your days off?" Blogging. Chatting online. Reading. Household chores. Out with friends...
81- Ootori- "Then if you're bored, will you go out with me? We can go anywhere you want." Okay!
82- Shishido- "Which do you like more? Anipuri or the manga?" Eh. EH. I CANT CHOOOSE!
83- Akutagawa- "Hey~ what do you think about Sakaki director?" One word. Cool.
84- Akutagawa- "He's a music teacher~ It may seem kinda strange, but he's a pretty good director. He teaches us well too. So, don't hate him, ok?" I like him actually.
85- Hiyoshi- "Do you think there're other sports besides Tennis that might suit us?" Sports? Not really. You guys can join Drama though.
86- Oshitari- "Do you think there's some one in here that might have a dark sided hobby?" You? *smiles* *closet PERVERT* * But I dont mind~~*
87- Mukahi- "What do you think Jiro dreams of when he's sleeping?" Of sleeping more?
88- Shishido- "Oh, I nearly forgot...it's almost time." Time for?
89- Ootori- "...It's a pity but, we had a lot of fun." Its over? *Atobe~~~~*
90- Akutagawa- "It's a promise, we're going to nap together!" Sure!
91- Oshitari- "If you don't want to be my patient, I can have you in a nurse's outfit." Hmm. I'll consider. ^^
92- Hiyoshi- "I would be happy if we can speak one to one some time. I would like to know about you more." Same here!
93- Mukahi- "You know...Um, nevermind. Come again anytime." Heehee. Sure!
94- Kabaji- "Usu." Usu too :D
95- Atobe- "Aa~n? What do you want from me?" Can I have a goodbye hug? *gets bricked the one million and one other fangirls*
96- Atobe- "...Sorry for making you stick around with us all the way here. Go home and sleep. Or you can't sleep alone?" : grin : *blush* I sometimes cant... *blush*
97- Atobe- "Uh huh, yeah yeah. Well, I'll see you...Ah? You're already the manager here." I'm hired? Woah!
98- Atobe- "I won't let you complain, got it?" Yes! Thank you Atobe-sama!
99- Sakaki- "You may go!" Woah! *where did he appear from?* Yes sir!
100- Before you go...Any final comments after finishing this? HYOTEI BANZAI!
OMG. I LOVE THE HYOTEI BOYS~ My face would be red if I could blush! I love Atobe. Seriously. I do. He's so amazing. And cute. And talented. What with the extremely aggressive natural play-style and all. I wanna meet his family actually. Maybe the manga can have sides about his family? It should be mind-blowing awesome-ness!
"HYOTEI!"
Kazuki-san
Playlist
What Can Tonight bt Kato Kazuki
WOOHOO! I have Kato Kazuki's new album GLAMOROUS BEAT. I love the Internet. Ok. I'll dish the dirt. Kazuki-san is getting GOOD. I dont like using Kato-san, so he's Kazuki-san until I decide on his nickname. His name is too long. Back to the topic... Yeah. I'm serious. His vocal range has improved by quite a bit. You used to be able to hear him straining during the songs that required more range changes, but now he tackles it with ease. And he looks so cute on the album cover too! Yummy eye candy nyah~ Anyway! I like Mera Mera, What Can Tonight, Surreal na Beat de Nemuritai and Venom. Not bad, 4 songs in one album that I keep playing over and over again. What I truly liked about this album was the thought put into the sound and the lyrics. Not one song sounds like another song available in the music industry. And his lyrics were an awesome play on words. A prime example is What Can Tonight. The lyrics are available here. It is mostly a play on the sound and the meaning of the words. For example, 'what can tonight' when Japan-ised, sounds a whole lot like 'wakattanai', 'Don't say' sounds like 'douse' and 'Don't cry' sounds like 'don kurai'. In the context of the song, the actual lyrics are can easily be replaced by what is misheard. So cool huh? Oh yeah. Kazuki-san is now on his Drastic Glamour Tour. I am so absolutely jealous of the Japanes fans. They get him all to themselves.
Crashed a Japanese lecture on Wednesday. It was fantastic! I loved the lecturer, she was funny and very experienced. I now want the Japanese books and notes. Simply because I think I need the practice in order to be able to score for JLPT in December. I need the vocabulary too. And I think I need the confidence doing all those practices will give me. Yes, I signed up for JLPT yesterday. Submitting the form and making payment made me kind of depressed actually. I could hear and feel the chain I just attached to myself until the test. I can't fail. I can't I already failed my driving test. I failed myself during A Levels by doing so badly. I'm not doing particularly well in my Japanese class either. Its like, I'm being held back by something. I can read and understand, but I cannot construct my own sentences. Its a pressing problem. Its also a kind of failure. Which brings the total count to a lot of failures. No more. I won't fail. I can't afford it. Back to something more positive... I went to Viv's room in Eusoff. WOW. Your own place. I could feel it the moment I stepped in. Freedom. From the self that you were at home. From the self that you were created to fulfil by your parents. It was a moment, but I could feel it. Be it one semester, one term or an hour, I think it might have been worthed it. It might be painful when its taken away, but I feel that someone who gets a taste of paradise is better off than the person who has never experienced it.
I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind. Things seem so... Strange recently. I think the problem lies in the perspective. Aka. Me. Its like. The things that mattered to me a while back no longer does. And those that still matter are now less important. The decisions that I thought were for the best seems like huge mistakes now. Was I being impulsive when I thought I was being all rational and logical? I think the self-doubt is one of the most terrible emtions out there. It creeps abehind you. Stalks your shadows. It makes you look back, makes you afraid of what you left behind. The worst part? It makes you fearful of that which lies ahead as well. Its crippling, to say the least. Twirling round and round, coiling around you. It isnt aggressive. Oh no. It makes you kill yourself. You die from the stress, the fear, the worries... You die from yourself. I try to drown it in music. In activities. In my friends... But it persists. Besides, how much can all these external help? The sense that you will never be free persists. The sense that every breathe you take is more shallow than the last... Until you finally collasped from suffocation. It isnt physical. Not something the doctor can just give medication for. They will treat the symptoms. Not the cause. The cause is there. In my skull. Where not even I can reach all the time... Sigh. I'm so useless.
"I can't believe in your love..."
What Can Tonight bt Kato Kazuki
WOOHOO! I have Kato Kazuki's new album GLAMOROUS BEAT. I love the Internet. Ok. I'll dish the dirt. Kazuki-san is getting GOOD. I dont like using Kato-san, so he's Kazuki-san until I decide on his nickname. His name is too long. Back to the topic... Yeah. I'm serious. His vocal range has improved by quite a bit. You used to be able to hear him straining during the songs that required more range changes, but now he tackles it with ease. And he looks so cute on the album cover too! Yummy eye candy nyah~ Anyway! I like Mera Mera, What Can Tonight, Surreal na Beat de Nemuritai and Venom. Not bad, 4 songs in one album that I keep playing over and over again. What I truly liked about this album was the thought put into the sound and the lyrics. Not one song sounds like another song available in the music industry. And his lyrics were an awesome play on words. A prime example is What Can Tonight. The lyrics are available here. It is mostly a play on the sound and the meaning of the words. For example, 'what can tonight' when Japan-ised, sounds a whole lot like 'wakattanai', 'Don't say' sounds like 'douse' and 'Don't cry' sounds like 'don kurai'. In the context of the song, the actual lyrics are can easily be replaced by what is misheard. So cool huh? Oh yeah. Kazuki-san is now on his Drastic Glamour Tour. I am so absolutely jealous of the Japanes fans. They get him all to themselves.
Crashed a Japanese lecture on Wednesday. It was fantastic! I loved the lecturer, she was funny and very experienced. I now want the Japanese books and notes. Simply because I think I need the practice in order to be able to score for JLPT in December. I need the vocabulary too. And I think I need the confidence doing all those practices will give me. Yes, I signed up for JLPT yesterday. Submitting the form and making payment made me kind of depressed actually. I could hear and feel the chain I just attached to myself until the test. I can't fail. I can't I already failed my driving test. I failed myself during A Levels by doing so badly. I'm not doing particularly well in my Japanese class either. Its like, I'm being held back by something. I can read and understand, but I cannot construct my own sentences. Its a pressing problem. Its also a kind of failure. Which brings the total count to a lot of failures. No more. I won't fail. I can't afford it. Back to something more positive... I went to Viv's room in Eusoff. WOW. Your own place. I could feel it the moment I stepped in. Freedom. From the self that you were at home. From the self that you were created to fulfil by your parents. It was a moment, but I could feel it. Be it one semester, one term or an hour, I think it might have been worthed it. It might be painful when its taken away, but I feel that someone who gets a taste of paradise is better off than the person who has never experienced it.
I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind. Things seem so... Strange recently. I think the problem lies in the perspective. Aka. Me. Its like. The things that mattered to me a while back no longer does. And those that still matter are now less important. The decisions that I thought were for the best seems like huge mistakes now. Was I being impulsive when I thought I was being all rational and logical? I think the self-doubt is one of the most terrible emtions out there. It creeps abehind you. Stalks your shadows. It makes you look back, makes you afraid of what you left behind. The worst part? It makes you fearful of that which lies ahead as well. Its crippling, to say the least. Twirling round and round, coiling around you. It isnt aggressive. Oh no. It makes you kill yourself. You die from the stress, the fear, the worries... You die from yourself. I try to drown it in music. In activities. In my friends... But it persists. Besides, how much can all these external help? The sense that you will never be free persists. The sense that every breathe you take is more shallow than the last... Until you finally collasped from suffocation. It isnt physical. Not something the doctor can just give medication for. They will treat the symptoms. Not the cause. The cause is there. In my skull. Where not even I can reach all the time... Sigh. I'm so useless.
"I can't believe in your love..."
Monday, 27 July 2009
Extermination
Leave me alone.
I hate you.
There, I've said it.
So get lost.
I've had enough with your whimsical ways.
I'm not a pet. Nor a toy.
I HAPPEN to make decisions.
And decided to do this.
I hate you.
Yeah, I know what they all say.
Its true.
I loved you.
See the past tense asshole?
It means it was in the past.
Gone.
WHOOSH.
See ya.
I promise I'll be happy in my new life.
Without you.
I loved you.
So now.
I hate you.
The way I loved you more than anyone else.
I'll hate you more than anyone else too.
Yes.
I happen to be a Cusp Scorpio Saggi.
Blame it on karma darling.
Blame it on karma.
"We were never meant to be."
I hate you.
There, I've said it.
So get lost.
I've had enough with your whimsical ways.
I'm not a pet. Nor a toy.
I HAPPEN to make decisions.
And decided to do this.
I hate you.
Yeah, I know what they all say.
Its true.
I loved you.
See the past tense asshole?
It means it was in the past.
Gone.
WHOOSH.
See ya.
I promise I'll be happy in my new life.
Without you.
I loved you.
So now.
I hate you.
The way I loved you more than anyone else.
I'll hate you more than anyone else too.
Yes.
I happen to be a Cusp Scorpio Saggi.
Blame it on karma darling.
Blame it on karma.
"We were never meant to be."
Friday, 24 July 2009
Hectic
Playlist
Just Dance by Lady Gaga
I've been running around a lot recently. So much so that I'm now unwell. Sore throat. Plus fever. I hope I get well soon. Else. Yeah. It would be tough to miss my driving test. I highly doubt that they had allow me to drive if I was sick. Wish me good health and plenty of luck.
Anyway, this post is an update to explain why I have not been online and updating my blog for the last week or so. Activities are below, and listed according to how recent they are. The most recent right at the top. So dearies, you be the judge of whether I've been a busy little freshie. The way the last one week has been, I'd say it feels like my days are severely numbered. I'm dog tired. Dead beat.
1) Hejin's send off at the airport was yesterday night. Or rather, this morning. Her flight was at 3am in the morning and her current brought us there and sent us home too. Viv and I went, along with the brother of her secondary school friend, and a 'colleague' from work. Her mother was trying to make her stay until the last minute, but you could tell she was more or less aware that her daughter was leaving. Had a bit of baggage problems, but it was resolved, albeit involving the embarrasing act of opening your luggage for the whole world to peek. No crying, bawling nor sniffles. Just hugs all around. I think we were all well aware that this is unlikely to be the last time we meet. After all, there are so many question marks about the future. Its a small world, and yet, its a big one too. I think I'll miss Hejin as time goes by. She's not someone you can just forget with time. I want her to be happy and to do well in NY.
2) FTB round 2 at OBS was fun. And also boring. Fun as my group was weird. Efficient during the activities, we worked with a single-minded aim to complete the task. But leave us alone to ourselves for more then a minute? Silence. We'll talk to one other person. Or two. And maybe make a comment here and there. Disappear to the toilet. Stone. Its not too much to say that my group was reticent. Groupmates. Definitely. Friends. Maybe. Good friends? With a few possible exceptions? Nuh-uh. Its ok. I think its too early to give a very accurate analysis. We knew each other only for a brief 3 days. Hardly enough tme to decide that we want to journey to the beach to watch the sunset together. Wait. We were at East Coast Park! HAHA. Anyway, I've done most of the activities before. Slight variations, but essentially the same. Slept in a tent. 5 girls in a 3 man tent. We were liked sardines, barely able to move without hitting the person next to us. The guys, 7 of them, were split into two tents. Our group with its strenght og 12 was larger than average. Techna. Phantos. There were students from a variety of the faculties, although most are in LKCSB. After all, Biz school is the largest in SMU. I'd like to say more about my group, but the thing is, everything seems like a distant dream. All blurry and unclear already. Either the fever is messing with my head, or it really was not that that memorable. I have a nagging suspicion that its the latter. Nevertheless, I had a good time. Was covered in paint, salt water, soap, flour, camo cream and dirt. Laughed, cheered, screamed, bruised myself and navigated flooding toilets. And thus concluded FTB.
3) Hejin's farewell party. I went and saw first hand the foundation of the Hejin that I know. Her mother. They are so similar. Like two forces of nature. I can almost see the superwoman Hejin will turn into. Its there. Her mother is awesomely intimidating. simply because she uses her position as a friend's parent to her full advantage. I cannot insult her. I must maintain tact. I need to withstand her not so subtle knife thrusts and humour. In short, you can only play defensive to her offensive. A shrewd business woman indeed. She has the upper hand as the host and parent of someone important to you, and she bloody well knows it. Oh. Something notable. Viv ate fries. Huifang was there to witness it. I have photographic evidence too!
4) Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince. Yes, I watched it 3 days after it was released. Right before I went over to Hejin's house too. Immediately after sleepover. Boring. Slow. 'Nuff siad. Though I wasted some 4 hours of my life.
5) Sleepover! At HL's place. We played Bridge. Tried to teach Kaen Bridge. She is LOUSY. Watched 'Lina grope her Donald duck's butt. TR was TR. Played with soft toys. Discussed the difference between gays, tranvetites and the other non-common man in the street. Bullied each other. Had cake for breakfast. The photos are on Facebook. We made a lot of noise and slept and unearthly hours. I had loads of fun! If there's one thing I learnt, its not to try and teach Kaen card games that require multiple brain cells. You end up frustrated, tired, and resisiting the urge to commit homicide. I'm serious. Just ask HL. patience is in short supply.
"Breakaway and fly free..."
Just Dance by Lady Gaga
I've been running around a lot recently. So much so that I'm now unwell. Sore throat. Plus fever. I hope I get well soon. Else. Yeah. It would be tough to miss my driving test. I highly doubt that they had allow me to drive if I was sick. Wish me good health and plenty of luck.
Anyway, this post is an update to explain why I have not been online and updating my blog for the last week or so. Activities are below, and listed according to how recent they are. The most recent right at the top. So dearies, you be the judge of whether I've been a busy little freshie. The way the last one week has been, I'd say it feels like my days are severely numbered. I'm dog tired. Dead beat.
1) Hejin's send off at the airport was yesterday night. Or rather, this morning. Her flight was at 3am in the morning and her current brought us there and sent us home too. Viv and I went, along with the brother of her secondary school friend, and a 'colleague' from work. Her mother was trying to make her stay until the last minute, but you could tell she was more or less aware that her daughter was leaving. Had a bit of baggage problems, but it was resolved, albeit involving the embarrasing act of opening your luggage for the whole world to peek. No crying, bawling nor sniffles. Just hugs all around. I think we were all well aware that this is unlikely to be the last time we meet. After all, there are so many question marks about the future. Its a small world, and yet, its a big one too. I think I'll miss Hejin as time goes by. She's not someone you can just forget with time. I want her to be happy and to do well in NY.
2) FTB round 2 at OBS was fun. And also boring. Fun as my group was weird. Efficient during the activities, we worked with a single-minded aim to complete the task. But leave us alone to ourselves for more then a minute? Silence. We'll talk to one other person. Or two. And maybe make a comment here and there. Disappear to the toilet. Stone. Its not too much to say that my group was reticent. Groupmates. Definitely. Friends. Maybe. Good friends? With a few possible exceptions? Nuh-uh. Its ok. I think its too early to give a very accurate analysis. We knew each other only for a brief 3 days. Hardly enough tme to decide that we want to journey to the beach to watch the sunset together. Wait. We were at East Coast Park! HAHA. Anyway, I've done most of the activities before. Slight variations, but essentially the same. Slept in a tent. 5 girls in a 3 man tent. We were liked sardines, barely able to move without hitting the person next to us. The guys, 7 of them, were split into two tents. Our group with its strenght og 12 was larger than average. Techna. Phantos. There were students from a variety of the faculties, although most are in LKCSB. After all, Biz school is the largest in SMU. I'd like to say more about my group, but the thing is, everything seems like a distant dream. All blurry and unclear already. Either the fever is messing with my head, or it really was not that that memorable. I have a nagging suspicion that its the latter. Nevertheless, I had a good time. Was covered in paint, salt water, soap, flour, camo cream and dirt. Laughed, cheered, screamed, bruised myself and navigated flooding toilets. And thus concluded FTB.
3) Hejin's farewell party. I went and saw first hand the foundation of the Hejin that I know. Her mother. They are so similar. Like two forces of nature. I can almost see the superwoman Hejin will turn into. Its there. Her mother is awesomely intimidating. simply because she uses her position as a friend's parent to her full advantage. I cannot insult her. I must maintain tact. I need to withstand her not so subtle knife thrusts and humour. In short, you can only play defensive to her offensive. A shrewd business woman indeed. She has the upper hand as the host and parent of someone important to you, and she bloody well knows it. Oh. Something notable. Viv ate fries. Huifang was there to witness it. I have photographic evidence too!
4) Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince. Yes, I watched it 3 days after it was released. Right before I went over to Hejin's house too. Immediately after sleepover. Boring. Slow. 'Nuff siad. Though I wasted some 4 hours of my life.
5) Sleepover! At HL's place. We played Bridge. Tried to teach Kaen Bridge. She is LOUSY. Watched 'Lina grope her Donald duck's butt. TR was TR. Played with soft toys. Discussed the difference between gays, tranvetites and the other non-common man in the street. Bullied each other. Had cake for breakfast. The photos are on Facebook. We made a lot of noise and slept and unearthly hours. I had loads of fun! If there's one thing I learnt, its not to try and teach Kaen card games that require multiple brain cells. You end up frustrated, tired, and resisiting the urge to commit homicide. I'm serious. Just ask HL. patience is in short supply.
"Breakaway and fly free..."
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Divide
Playlist
New Divide by Linkin Park
I was eating ice cream last night. Eating ice cream and thinking about the things I'd done, things I am about to do, things I should have done and most importantly, the things that I want to do. They say that dreams are stuff we think of when we are sleeping and are just dreams, and others say that dreams are the stuff that keeps our reality from being too grim. I was thinking about my dreams. Or rather, the rather troubling lack of them. I do not have a 'real' dream. Like there is something that I must do before I die. Maybe its a sign of a privileged upbringing. Maybe its a sign of just how depraved I am to not have the slightest inkling of what I want. The absence and presence of anything distinct in my future has no real effect on me. When people start talking about their future career path, about their dream home, ideal wedding, preferred boyfriend qualities... My response is devoid of desire. I really have no idea. Its not that I never thought of it. I certainly have. I've tried creating possible outcomes. I've tried through the process of elimination. Nothing crops up. Everything disappears. Maybe my ideal is too far removed from the normal sphere of thought. Maybe.
I kind of hate myself. Because I know I've hurt my friends. One prime example is a perfectly decent person, which is why I can consider her a friend. I feel guilty everytime I see her because of what I did and what I did not do. I was one of those who contributed to her suffering. I did not stand up for what I believed in. In short, I was an accomplice in the act of bullying. Yes. Ugly, disgusting practice that occurs even in a class of young adults. I stopped. But the very fact that I was part of it for a moment makes my skin crawl when I think about it. I'm not friends with her because I pity her. I'm friends with her becuase I realised that she's an interesting, caring and responsible person. Among other less tangible reasons. I hate myself for hurting someone I like. Yeah, I definitely like her. Which is why I bother to listen to her, reply SMSes and all the things that you do when you care for someone.
I am about to embark on a journey that will change me as a person. I will meet new people, old accquaintences that I thought I left behind, and old enemies that I want to leave behind. I will see things that I had rather not see, and I will learn things that I have always wanted to know. I will gain things, and inadvertedbly lose things along the way. I may become someone I would hate now. I may very well turn into a pillar of exemplary conduct. HAHA. In short, I will change. If you see signs of me turning into this fugly monster snarling and snapping away, I hope you will correct my habits. I cannot promise that I shan't swear and try to rip you to shreds, but for the benefit of mankind... I do hope you understand.
This is a short post because I am in no mood for lenghty self analysis. If I look too hard at myself and my life, I am bound to find an entire wall of scratches, dirt, grime and all sort of nasty stuff. Its like straing at your reflection in the mirror. After the novelty of self-awareness is over, you start noticing the pimples. The scars. Messy hair. Slight irregularities here and there. And then you see a monster staring back at you in the mirror. Unpleasant experience. Yes, you can say that I have poor self-esteem. My ego is my weakness and strength. I can only be hurt by the people who matter to me. I could not care less about what the general human population thinks of me, but if my friends or family was to say I look fat or ugly... I think my world would come crashing down. HAHA. So the entire fiasco with my family? Yeah, talk to me and you can start to see the numerous scars. yes, I was badly hurt. Dragged through an emotional mill. Barbed wires, bazookas, bombs. Torn apart and hastily put back together for my final exams. I'm not surprised my grades are a mess. And the people responsible for it blame me for being afffected. Bloody hypocrites. I shall not dwell on this. Else I'll probably never end this post. Lets just leave it at the admission that I have not been happy since the day it all began.
"Loving someone makes you weak, but those who are truly strong knows that it is not true weakness."
New Divide by Linkin Park
I was eating ice cream last night. Eating ice cream and thinking about the things I'd done, things I am about to do, things I should have done and most importantly, the things that I want to do. They say that dreams are stuff we think of when we are sleeping and are just dreams, and others say that dreams are the stuff that keeps our reality from being too grim. I was thinking about my dreams. Or rather, the rather troubling lack of them. I do not have a 'real' dream. Like there is something that I must do before I die. Maybe its a sign of a privileged upbringing. Maybe its a sign of just how depraved I am to not have the slightest inkling of what I want. The absence and presence of anything distinct in my future has no real effect on me. When people start talking about their future career path, about their dream home, ideal wedding, preferred boyfriend qualities... My response is devoid of desire. I really have no idea. Its not that I never thought of it. I certainly have. I've tried creating possible outcomes. I've tried through the process of elimination. Nothing crops up. Everything disappears. Maybe my ideal is too far removed from the normal sphere of thought. Maybe.
I kind of hate myself. Because I know I've hurt my friends. One prime example is a perfectly decent person, which is why I can consider her a friend. I feel guilty everytime I see her because of what I did and what I did not do. I was one of those who contributed to her suffering. I did not stand up for what I believed in. In short, I was an accomplice in the act of bullying. Yes. Ugly, disgusting practice that occurs even in a class of young adults. I stopped. But the very fact that I was part of it for a moment makes my skin crawl when I think about it. I'm not friends with her because I pity her. I'm friends with her becuase I realised that she's an interesting, caring and responsible person. Among other less tangible reasons. I hate myself for hurting someone I like. Yeah, I definitely like her. Which is why I bother to listen to her, reply SMSes and all the things that you do when you care for someone.
I am about to embark on a journey that will change me as a person. I will meet new people, old accquaintences that I thought I left behind, and old enemies that I want to leave behind. I will see things that I had rather not see, and I will learn things that I have always wanted to know. I will gain things, and inadvertedbly lose things along the way. I may become someone I would hate now. I may very well turn into a pillar of exemplary conduct. HAHA. In short, I will change. If you see signs of me turning into this fugly monster snarling and snapping away, I hope you will correct my habits. I cannot promise that I shan't swear and try to rip you to shreds, but for the benefit of mankind... I do hope you understand.
This is a short post because I am in no mood for lenghty self analysis. If I look too hard at myself and my life, I am bound to find an entire wall of scratches, dirt, grime and all sort of nasty stuff. Its like straing at your reflection in the mirror. After the novelty of self-awareness is over, you start noticing the pimples. The scars. Messy hair. Slight irregularities here and there. And then you see a monster staring back at you in the mirror. Unpleasant experience. Yes, you can say that I have poor self-esteem. My ego is my weakness and strength. I can only be hurt by the people who matter to me. I could not care less about what the general human population thinks of me, but if my friends or family was to say I look fat or ugly... I think my world would come crashing down. HAHA. So the entire fiasco with my family? Yeah, talk to me and you can start to see the numerous scars. yes, I was badly hurt. Dragged through an emotional mill. Barbed wires, bazookas, bombs. Torn apart and hastily put back together for my final exams. I'm not surprised my grades are a mess. And the people responsible for it blame me for being afffected. Bloody hypocrites. I shall not dwell on this. Else I'll probably never end this post. Lets just leave it at the admission that I have not been happy since the day it all began.
"Loving someone makes you weak, but those who are truly strong knows that it is not true weakness."
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Terrible
Playlist
妄想日記２ by シド
I think I'm a hypocrite. I give people advice I do not follow. I tell people to forget about that jerk. I tell people to go for what they desire. I tell people to do that which they love. I tell people I love cosplay. I'm lying to myself. There. I've gone and said it.
Why do I do this to myself? Its not that I don't mean what I say. Its just that I hardly practice what I preach. I tell myself to be stronger. That it doesn't matter. Its just a bit of suffering. A bit of pain. That I will benefit much more in the long run if I just do what needs to be done now. The tear-off-the-plaster-and-only-hurt-a-bit kind of thing. Instead, what do I do? I mope around. I don't do what needs to be done. I'm pulled along. I'm so envious of others. I'm so angry at myself. Anger is a form of self-punishment. Not that it seems to be doing any good. I'm still stuck at the same psychological stage I was a while back. I hate being mediocre. I hate being a wallflower. So why am I going in this sickening direction?
I now have Gackt's Faraway, Lost Angels and Flower singles. Pawing through シド's hikari. Its nice and jazz-rockish. Like I mentioned previously, シド is awfully versatile. Something I like. Something I don't like about them? The fact that they smoke. Like. WOW. As if its any surprise that yet another band consists of chain smokers. Nothing new I'm sure. Still, its just so very disappointing. hyde. Gackt. Mao. Sigh. Next thing Jui and Juri. I wouldn't be too surprised. I can already sort of tell that Deluhi likes their liquor from their very drunk comment recording. Smoker. Alcoholic. Add gambling and we have all the modern day vices. Sigh. Nothing too new for Gackt. The usual sounds. シド too. Mao sounds lovely. Until you spend an hour listening to him. It gets boring. Not good. I think the previous albums and singles were better. Either that or the singles that they released have sorta let the musical cat out of the bag. It doesn't have the whole new feeling anymore. Especially since I've already heard 嘘, モノクロのキス and 2℃目の彼女 way before the album was released. In fact, I think I listened the songs to death while trying to figure out the lyrics. So nothing much in this release. Sweet. Lovely. Not terribly must-buy and must-listen. As for Gackt. I have nothing much to say. Unlike 小悪魔ヘヴン, the other seems a little... If I dare say, dull. Maybe it was because the first was too cool. The rest just pales in comparison. Still, I look forward to listening his next 6 singles.
This is going to be a very busy week. Working. Driving lessons. Preparing for Cosfest. Things are speeding up, very very fast. I hope the spurt of activity is going to be sufficient to provide me with enough energy for the rest of the month. I'm getting awfully tired of pretending to be happy and hyper when I most definitely am not. Yes. I've done it again. I'm sad, tired and terribly bored. I need something exciting soon. Its not a good state of mind, and I think if I don't get out of this emotional trough soon, I might end up being down and way out for a long time to come. Sigh. Life really is a stage. Someone give me an intermission!
"So what if you hate me? I assure you, I don't like you too."
妄想日記２ by シド
I think I'm a hypocrite. I give people advice I do not follow. I tell people to forget about that jerk. I tell people to go for what they desire. I tell people to do that which they love. I tell people I love cosplay. I'm lying to myself. There. I've gone and said it.
Why do I do this to myself? Its not that I don't mean what I say. Its just that I hardly practice what I preach. I tell myself to be stronger. That it doesn't matter. Its just a bit of suffering. A bit of pain. That I will benefit much more in the long run if I just do what needs to be done now. The tear-off-the-plaster-and-only-hurt-a-bit kind of thing. Instead, what do I do? I mope around. I don't do what needs to be done. I'm pulled along. I'm so envious of others. I'm so angry at myself. Anger is a form of self-punishment. Not that it seems to be doing any good. I'm still stuck at the same psychological stage I was a while back. I hate being mediocre. I hate being a wallflower. So why am I going in this sickening direction?
I now have Gackt's Faraway, Lost Angels and Flower singles. Pawing through シド's hikari. Its nice and jazz-rockish. Like I mentioned previously, シド is awfully versatile. Something I like. Something I don't like about them? The fact that they smoke. Like. WOW. As if its any surprise that yet another band consists of chain smokers. Nothing new I'm sure. Still, its just so very disappointing. hyde. Gackt. Mao. Sigh. Next thing Jui and Juri. I wouldn't be too surprised. I can already sort of tell that Deluhi likes their liquor from their very drunk comment recording. Smoker. Alcoholic. Add gambling and we have all the modern day vices. Sigh. Nothing too new for Gackt. The usual sounds. シド too. Mao sounds lovely. Until you spend an hour listening to him. It gets boring. Not good. I think the previous albums and singles were better. Either that or the singles that they released have sorta let the musical cat out of the bag. It doesn't have the whole new feeling anymore. Especially since I've already heard 嘘, モノクロのキス and 2℃目の彼女 way before the album was released. In fact, I think I listened the songs to death while trying to figure out the lyrics. So nothing much in this release. Sweet. Lovely. Not terribly must-buy and must-listen. As for Gackt. I have nothing much to say. Unlike 小悪魔ヘヴン, the other seems a little... If I dare say, dull. Maybe it was because the first was too cool. The rest just pales in comparison. Still, I look forward to listening his next 6 singles.
This is going to be a very busy week. Working. Driving lessons. Preparing for Cosfest. Things are speeding up, very very fast. I hope the spurt of activity is going to be sufficient to provide me with enough energy for the rest of the month. I'm getting awfully tired of pretending to be happy and hyper when I most definitely am not. Yes. I've done it again. I'm sad, tired and terribly bored. I need something exciting soon. Its not a good state of mind, and I think if I don't get out of this emotional trough soon, I might end up being down and way out for a long time to come. Sigh. Life really is a stage. Someone give me an intermission!
"So what if you hate me? I assure you, I don't like you too."
Friday, 3 July 2009
Recommendation
Playlist
シド - ２℃目の彼女
I need to say this before I scream and explode. I love シド. Simply because they know how to make their fans happy. Can you believe it? Its all so beautiful! The sheer aesthetic appeal of their albums. Why the hell would you want to download online music when you can have the so very gorgeous album in your hands? I would buy the album. For the art. For their pretty faces. For them to earn some money too. If I could read Japanese proficiently and had a credit card, I will definitely order their CD from them. Straight from them as I have no intention of paying the middle man a hefty fee. I want シド to earn. Anyway. Proof is here. Their site. I adore the colour scheme. Its so nice and light. Gone are the dark days of Visual Kei. Let us all usher the spizzy and colourful new age of rock/jazz. Yes, you heard me. Its rock music with a jazz quality. Billowing in the wind much? Awesome stuff. Its fabulous how they make such amazing music. As you all can see, I am effectively gushing. The song I'm listening to ２℃目の彼女 is lovely. Very sweet with light feel. Suits the album artwork. The PV is available on Youtube here. Their new album, hikari, is out in stores now. Have yet to hear it as I cant really find anything online. Regardless, I will find some way to get my little paws on it. Language and shipping is nothing to a die hard fan girl.
Went to Kel's house a couple of days back. Her new dog, Peanut is super duper cute. A cross of a Pomeranian and Chihuahua supposedly. He's old. Think 10 human years. Really quiet. Really small. A dear. I'm a particular fan of dogs, but he grows on you. He follows you around. Not barking. Nor biting. Minimal licking. But he looks at you. Pays attention. His ears listen when we talk. Smart dog. I like my pets smart. After that, we headed to Kel's workplace. Had dinner. Some Char Siew Ramen. Except that it isnt the normal red Chinese char siew, but the Japanese sliced pork. it melted in my mouth. I'm serious. I've never understood what melt-in-your-mouth meant until that day. Bloody good meal it was. The egg was delicious. The noodles werent the cheap Maggi Mee type but real Japanese ramen. Yummy yummy yummy. Anyone wants to try? I'd gladly bring you there. Between Central and Shenton Way. Large portions too. I shared with a Jme and was stuffed. And both of us are not small eaters. Any takers? Bring ten dollars and we'll have a proper MEAL. Not junk, namely those nasty little burgers and oily fries they try to sell us. Free wheat tea to boot. The tea was so refreshing... And the service is pretty good too. Did I manage to convince anyone?
Its been a strange week. No thanks to work and SMU. Shall accumulate more university related stuff and spill it all when I have the energy to do so. So wait a bit longer dearies. Next week is going to be way more exciting. I just cannot wait.
"What does the future hold? Only time will tell... I know you love me. XOXO"
シド - ２℃目の彼女
I need to say this before I scream and explode. I love シド. Simply because they know how to make their fans happy. Can you believe it? Its all so beautiful! The sheer aesthetic appeal of their albums. Why the hell would you want to download online music when you can have the so very gorgeous album in your hands? I would buy the album. For the art. For their pretty faces. For them to earn some money too. If I could read Japanese proficiently and had a credit card, I will definitely order their CD from them. Straight from them as I have no intention of paying the middle man a hefty fee. I want シド to earn. Anyway. Proof is here. Their site. I adore the colour scheme. Its so nice and light. Gone are the dark days of Visual Kei. Let us all usher the spizzy and colourful new age of rock/jazz. Yes, you heard me. Its rock music with a jazz quality. Billowing in the wind much? Awesome stuff. Its fabulous how they make such amazing music. As you all can see, I am effectively gushing. The song I'm listening to ２℃目の彼女 is lovely. Very sweet with light feel. Suits the album artwork. The PV is available on Youtube here. Their new album, hikari, is out in stores now. Have yet to hear it as I cant really find anything online. Regardless, I will find some way to get my little paws on it. Language and shipping is nothing to a die hard fan girl.
Went to Kel's house a couple of days back. Her new dog, Peanut is super duper cute. A cross of a Pomeranian and Chihuahua supposedly. He's old. Think 10 human years. Really quiet. Really small. A dear. I'm a particular fan of dogs, but he grows on you. He follows you around. Not barking. Nor biting. Minimal licking. But he looks at you. Pays attention. His ears listen when we talk. Smart dog. I like my pets smart. After that, we headed to Kel's workplace. Had dinner. Some Char Siew Ramen. Except that it isnt the normal red Chinese char siew, but the Japanese sliced pork. it melted in my mouth. I'm serious. I've never understood what melt-in-your-mouth meant until that day. Bloody good meal it was. The egg was delicious. The noodles werent the cheap Maggi Mee type but real Japanese ramen. Yummy yummy yummy. Anyone wants to try? I'd gladly bring you there. Between Central and Shenton Way. Large portions too. I shared with a Jme and was stuffed. And both of us are not small eaters. Any takers? Bring ten dollars and we'll have a proper MEAL. Not junk, namely those nasty little burgers and oily fries they try to sell us. Free wheat tea to boot. The tea was so refreshing... And the service is pretty good too. Did I manage to convince anyone?
Its been a strange week. No thanks to work and SMU. Shall accumulate more university related stuff and spill it all when I have the energy to do so. So wait a bit longer dearies. Next week is going to be way more exciting. I just cannot wait.
"What does the future hold? Only time will tell... I know you love me. XOXO"
Tagged
Grab your phone dearies. This one is all about our significant other in our handphone pouches. Thats right. My chocolate!
What's your ring tone? Journey through the Decade by Gackt
Who's the 1st person that comes up under M? Mail Deposit
Who's the last person you called? Kel!
Who was your last missed call from? My mummy.
Who's the 1st person who comes up under C? Celine!
Who's your speed dial number 2? Did not programme speed dial. I can remember numbers dearies.
What does 3rd text in your inbox say? "Ya I know. I dunno if I want to go ): dilemna. I want to stay at tgx but my parents and brother going. Both my sis and i not going and I feel... guilty. Somehow. "
Who was your last received call from? Kaen.
What does your 5th inbox text say? "Haha.okay :):) "
How many messages are currently in your inbox? 23. New phone. Old phone had like. Over 300 plus.
What is the wallpaper? Tyki fan art.
Since buying your phone, how many messages have you sent all together? No idea. The phone doesn't track.
Who is the person who sent the 7th message from in your inbox? Kaen.
Who's the 1st person who comes up under B? Bei Xi.
How many bars of signal do you currently have? 5.
What network are you on? Starhub
Name every person you have text messages from inbox? SonyEricsson. Kaen. TR. Stel. Kel. Cherl. Dad.
What does your 20th text message in your inbox say? "This is random but the feeling you get after spamming conditioner is damn nice XD. "
Who is the first person in your contacts? Aaron.
Who is the last name in your contacts? Chen Laoshi.
What does the bottom text in your inbox say? Can I not type this out? Its sooo long! " XD ok la ok la. For you and road is ok cause the both of you look HUMAN. But jasdebi i dunno. Probably with wig and all the black makeup might look ok... cover so much of the face somemore. I scared my costume parts don't work out only. The material and method definitely different from her."
What is your screen saver? The chibi Laruku picture.
What is your balance? What balance?
Who is the last person under H? Huifang!
What is your bluetooth name? Chocolate!
How many numbers are in your phone? EH. EH. A lot.Teachers. Classmates. GP classmates. Cosplay friends. Friends from my 16 years of formal schooling. A lot.
What's the first video on your phone of? Nope. No vidoes.
Could you live without your phone? Unlikely.
What is the 3rd picture on your phone? hyde's gorgeous face. I had this amazing dream about hyde yesterday. *squeals*
For the safety and security of all involved, I shall not divulge who the messages are from. Though I think its super obvious. All whose names appear are tagged!
"You can bribe me with chocolate, ice cream and money. Yeah. Money. Makes the world go round."
What's your ring tone? Journey through the Decade by Gackt
Who's the 1st person that comes up under M? Mail Deposit
Who's the last person you called? Kel!
Who was your last missed call from? My mummy.
Who's the 1st person who comes up under C? Celine!
Who's your speed dial number 2? Did not programme speed dial. I can remember numbers dearies.
What does 3rd text in your inbox say? "Ya I know. I dunno if I want to go ): dilemna. I want to stay at tgx but my parents and brother going. Both my sis and i not going and I feel... guilty. Somehow. "
Who was your last received call from? Kaen.
What does your 5th inbox text say? "Haha.okay :):) "
How many messages are currently in your inbox? 23. New phone. Old phone had like. Over 300 plus.
What is the wallpaper? Tyki fan art.
Since buying your phone, how many messages have you sent all together? No idea. The phone doesn't track.
Who is the person who sent the 7th message from in your inbox? Kaen.
Who's the 1st person who comes up under B? Bei Xi.
How many bars of signal do you currently have? 5.
What network are you on? Starhub
Name every person you have text messages from inbox? SonyEricsson. Kaen. TR. Stel. Kel. Cherl. Dad.
What does your 20th text message in your inbox say? "This is random but the feeling you get after spamming conditioner is damn nice XD. "
Who is the first person in your contacts? Aaron.
Who is the last name in your contacts? Chen Laoshi.
What does the bottom text in your inbox say? Can I not type this out? Its sooo long! " XD ok la ok la. For you and road is ok cause the both of you look HUMAN. But jasdebi i dunno. Probably with wig and all the black makeup might look ok... cover so much of the face somemore. I scared my costume parts don't work out only. The material and method definitely different from her."
What is your screen saver? The chibi Laruku picture.
What is your balance? What balance?
Who is the last person under H? Huifang!
What is your bluetooth name? Chocolate!
How many numbers are in your phone? EH. EH. A lot.Teachers. Classmates. GP classmates. Cosplay friends. Friends from my 16 years of formal schooling. A lot.
What's the first video on your phone of? Nope. No vidoes.
Could you live without your phone? Unlikely.
What is the 3rd picture on your phone? hyde's gorgeous face. I had this amazing dream about hyde yesterday. *squeals*
For the safety and security of all involved, I shall not divulge who the messages are from. Though I think its super obvious. All whose names appear are tagged!
"You can bribe me with chocolate, ice cream and money. Yeah. Money. Makes the world go round."
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