Breaking Point

I just saw my dance schedule for May. For a brief moment I thought I was daydreaming, before it really hit me. My dance schedule is so packed, it makes sleeping seems like a luxury item. I would be having dance everyday in the last week of May, from Monday all the way to Sunday. This is on top of all the Varied Assessments I have. It means I'm suppose to make the 24 hours magically turn into some 48 hours. Sorry, I'm not the girl from Harry Potter who creates divisions of herself to rush to classes. I don't even have that device which she uses.

Sighx. I'm so busy I have yet to watch more episodes of Prince Of Tennis OVA, have yet to watch the Live Action and the Musical, yet to hunt for more of my darling Atobe, JunJun and Kazu-chan... sighx. What am I doing? My time is all going down the drain, and all I seem to be accomplishing is wearing myself out, dancing until aching muscle are the norm, and struggling with my work. I often wonder, in 20 years time, would all these which I had invested my time and effort into pay off? Would I have just wasted my time, diverging resources to areas I could have ignored while ignoring those I should have paid more attention to? Its scary when I reflect, because there is the fear of the unknown, the regret that comes with a near miss, the pain of knowing you made a wrong decision, the heartbreak when you can't do what you wish... All these are factors which assail me at night when I lie in bed, their relentless assault making me sometimes resort to medicated sleep. I know, I know, I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but fear and guilt are two of the best motivators, are the things which would drive you to break your own boundaries, which changes your principales...

I'm exhausted. Really want to lie down for a day or two. I can cope, but it requires massive amounts of sacrifice. I'll take the loan, and pay freaky interest rates later. I'll pay in eyebags and headaches and crappy mornings for the things I forgoed when I chose this path, and the opportunity cost is considerable. And I'll still do it anyway, because I can't tolerate the look of betrayal, of disappointment, the dashed hopes, the lost expectations. I'll do it, because as Kyoya Ootari would have found out, some things you do so that it gives you a momentary sense of satisfaction, for the elusive sense of gratification and purpose and achievement, no matter what you suffer when you go home, no matter the pain you bear in silence as you fork out your debt... For some people, the payment is their happiness, for others, I'll come aknocking for the $8.10 which you still owe me and I think the 3% interest along with it...