Shaky

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Enrai ~ Tooku ni Aru Agari by High And Mighty Colour


I'm a fool. The greatest fool of all time. Why? I did not realise my flaws. I did not realise the things, the institutuions that I believed in were shaky. I did not realise that my belief was in something that was completely undependable. I am a fool. Finding out that you're an idiot hurts. The circumstances that trigger the realisation hurts. Coupled with the pain of knowing you're an idiot, it certainly is a heady combination. It sears through your entire self. Burns away your connections with that which provide security. Rips you to pieces, starting with everything that you believed in. Your world is shattered. Have fun picking up the pieces.

I think that family is the most important to me as of today. You can't rely on others. Not even your friends. Blood is certainly a powerful coagulent. Just like what I learnt in Biololgy in school.

No one remembered. As in, on their own, they did not remember. The first to voice it out is my mum. Then my aunt. Followed by my dad. I'm talking about those who said it out loud. I know my paternal grandma knows too. She remembers everything. Everything. Lets not talk about Kaen, who can't forget. Duh. Quite hard for me to forget her as well. The links are already there. Not a matter of choice. We're 'sister-in-laws'. I'm talking about everyone else. My brother. My cousins. Various aunts and uncles. Even those I feel are my friends. All unreliable. ALL. Why do I bother?

What do I expect from others? Should I not expect anything? I am human. I want to be loved. Am I too dememanding? Is this too much to ask? Am I just depressed by my inability to get a job? I've applied at some ten over locations, some in person, all to no avail. I totally know how those who are retrenched feel. Heaviness. The despair. The sesnse of isolation. Alienated from those who work. Helplessness when waiting for the call. That does not seem to come at all. Tired from the multiple interviews. From travelling the whole country. Your shortcomings all rubbed into your face. Self-disgust. Weariness. You wonder, is it all worth it? The absolute worst is seeing those who don't need the work getting it. And to make it even more unbearable, they wonder why you can't succeed and give useless advice. Make stupid comments. Say things like, " Maybe you should try harder?". Or better yet, "Don't worry, it will be ok." Go drown yourself in some ocean. Please. How about saying something that will address the root cause?

Somebody put an end to my suffering...

"To wait and to wait and to wait... In vain... For the moment that would never come..."