Reminder

Playlist

Typing on the keyboard.

Just watched Sherlock Holmes. It was a pretty good movie, with plenty of nice British humour. Jude Law was awesome as Watson, and Robert Downey Jr was very convincing as Holmes, full of lovable flaws. The movie was good, but solving mysteries is not good for my emotional state of mind. I'm thinking too much, and this post is the result of that. Maybe I'd wake up in the morning and regret whatever I am about to say here. Most probably would, but I have to say this. In this moment of clarity and understanding, I'd be a fool if I ignored the answer and continued to delude myself. There needs to be a limit to my childish whims, and I think this will become a reminder in times of doubt.

I shall not make the same mistake again. I was foolish to think that I could trust you, that I could believe in you. False god you are, and I was a fool for ignoring this. It is no one's fault but my own, and I will not pretend that I was enlightened. You did not betray me; I dug my own grave, thinking that I could find some way to a better world through you. I'm a fool, so many times over for not opening my eyes to see the truth. People tell me that the lack of intention is reason enough to walk the path, but I know, and we all know, deep down inside, that the lack of intention is THE reason to abandon the path. Why love a god who loves me not? Why do I even label you as god? Self-delusion, a hundred times over. Creating my own fantasy, I am such a fool! I sought comfort in one who had none to give. Sought reassurance in one who had none to give. Trying to escape my delusion and depression by falling into greater delusion and greater depression. Talking to you when I am depressed just makes me more depressed. Seeing your uncaring face when I need love just makes me more hurt. I must be a closet masochist. You just give me pain and take my energy. A give-and-take relationship indeed.

Enough. I am not a child to throw mindless tantrums when I realise that I am in the wrong. I don't like hurting myself. I can bear the pinpricks to avoid getting grinded. Sever the cord. Sever the pain. If I repeat this again I'd be copying Eliot's Murder in the Cathedral. I feel like I'm being used, being betrayed, and I happily allowed myself to be led to the slaughter house. Partially my fault for not resisting. Delusions, like I said. Dreaming of a place much better than that which I live in. Tempted by the sugar cubes on the way to the slaughter house, like Muriel and ribbons and sugar cubes. I'm not a goat.

I have always been pretty good at reading people's faces. I learnt this from reading the face of someone inscrutable to most of the human race. I can read the little nuances, when you get irritated, happy, puzzled, sad and angry. I know of more complex emotions that would need more than a word to describe. I can see it all, no matter how many times you try to hide it behind those rapidly blinking eyes and mock poker face. You know you can't win against me, but you can't really shoot me down, so you just stick to one point and insist upon it, like some child who insists on having sweets before a meal. It doesn't work. It only makes me irrtated, and your lack of regard for my opinion makes me want to wring your neck or slam your head against some hard surface in the hopes of knocking some sense into that thick skull of yours. Yes, I have violent tendencies. Pent up aggression that has no way to go but to dig deeper inside. Hoarding anger, as if it was something precious is not the way to go. I hate myself for being unable to express my anger, because I'm afraid of losing the people I want to love.

I guess I should give up on one-sided relationships. It takes up so much time and effort, and bears no fruit whatsoever. So many people that I cherish, only to find out that I don't matter enough to them. So many people that I value, only to find out that I'm almost worthless to them. Just another passer-by in their life. I should stop working on these people. Yeah, some will tell me that I'd regress into a loner like this. But I wonder, is it truly worth it? At the end of the day, when you die, you'd still be a pile of dust, all alone in your little jar on the shelf somewhere. Depressing? Its the truth. I believe in instant gratification, as in the long run, we'd all be dead. Some really smart Economics people came up with this saying, which I think is amazingly accurate. In another 60 years or so, most of us who are alive on this planet, as of this moment, would be dead.

I wonder if I'll look at this in a few years and wonder why I'm so jaded even though I've seen less than two decades of human life, most of it spent in a blur of growing up. Or maybe I'd think I was ridiculously childish to think that I had understood life after experiencing so little. Hmm, it would be interesting to know I how I would behave.

" I don't need the people I hate to cut me to pieces. The people I love are already doing an excellent job."

Me

Playlist

Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park

Its a few days before Christmas, but I do not feel the least bit festive. There is no good cheer, no good mood and the weather is so nice that I want to shoot the weather report writer. I guess in the tropics and in a country smaller than some large cities... How much can I honestly expect? Anyway, I will not be talking about my Malaysia trip as that is a cosplay event and you can jolly well go to my cosplay blog to read about it. Its the same URL as this, except that its located at WordPress instead of Blogger. This post, is about me.

Yes, I am a flawed person, like everyone else including Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa and Hitler. Not funny. I'm just not famous, nor infamous. I'm an obscure and insignificant existance on the face of this earth, except maybe to the ant I just squished under size8 foot. To that ant I'm probably a murderer. As you can tell, I'm a wee bit sleepy, which is why there's an overload of terrible self-depreciating humour. To those who think that my blog is emo-shit, I'd like to remind you that this is an online blog. Everything that you read here tend to be in proper grammatical sentences (as far as possible) and is of a tone that is more formal than most blogs. I cant bring myself to type liek dis cause i think its bloddy irritatin 2 read abbrv on a blog.  So if you will excuse my spelling, I'd like to type posts that would not give my English teachers an anueryism. So if you think it is 'emo' it is most probably the language I choose to use. Its practice. I treat every single blog post like an essay of its own. Come on, respect language. If you don't use it properly, it will come back and bite you on the ass later when you need to construct grammatically sound sentences with variations in vocabulary. Ok, I have digressed into language. I apologise for the constant lecturing, I often assume that my readers are minor idiots, although it is unlikely to be true most of the time. No offense to those with a substantial understanding and linguistic maturity. You will have to bear with me for the sake of those at the bottom of the pyramid.

So am I really being all depressed? Rather than depressed, I'd think I'm slightly irritated and disgruntled. I was deluded into thinking that I was mature when I'm still just a kid. There are still so many areas that I like maturity in, and my immaturity shows when I'm being pushed to the limit. ARGH. I need to grow up faster, or I'll be in trouble. Not trouble trouble, but rather, life will be more difficult than necessary. And I really do not like troublesome things. Its not that I think I'm absoultely childish, hell no. More of this feeling that I lack the experience and capability to react optimally in times of trouble. I'm okay if the problem is not mine. I can function fine if its more of a daily thing. Yet, when I'm alone and when the going gets tough, I lack the knowledge and as I said experience. Yes, experience... Something that only time and opportunity can give me. Sigh.

Oh yeah. YES I'M LOUD. You have a problem with that? Hmph. If there's one thing I've learnt, its that if you don't make noise, no one will hear you. Not that its an excuse to be a nag nor a reason to chatter endlessly... But regardless, Its my way of letting myself be heard.

" We all have to give and take, but when you're doing too much of either... We should shoot the person screwing with the balance."

Crave

Playlist

New Divide by Linkin Park

I miss dancing until my calf muscles cramped. No, I'm not a masochist, but rather, I miss the sensations that came with dancing. The feeling that you were rushing from one pose to another changes with practice into something intangible, like expressing yourself through dance. Of course, I'm talking about choreographed dances, not freestyle. Its amazing how something so messy can become an actual dance, but even more than that, I must say that the ability to express an emotion that is not exactly your own predominant state of mind is awesome. Its a sort of dizzying happiness that permeates every pore. As you spin, jump, kick, twirl... Every drop of blood is singing along to the music. If the music is depressing, you actually feel like crying after everything, no matter how awesome you danced. Its just a reflex. A reaction to the song. SIgh. I miss dancing so much that i can't really but it down in words. Dancing is something that appeals to a more primitive part of me. I mean, I'd automatically think of dance moves to go with my favourite songs. Its natural. So this lack of dance in my life has been rather depressing. yes, I'm in cheer, but its different. Cheer is a very regulated routine. The actions tend to be pretty stiff, which is unlike dance where you loosen certain muscles in order to portray fluctuations in style. Okay. I am totally out of my league here. As you can clearlt see, I'm fumbling to find the appropriate terms to explian something so instinctive I'll be surprised I don't dance in my sleep. Sigh. I just... Miss dance. Yeah. Its nothing to do with cheer! Its like... Having a craving for apples while you're eating mangoes. It doesn't mean that you don't like the mango! It just means... You want the apple. This is one heck of a lousy analogy, but oh wells.

Busy busy week ahead. I'll be leaving for Malaysia in less than 5 days, but I've yet to finish preparing for the trip! I was hoping that I could spend more time with Kaen, but things didn't work out that way. Sigh. I'm not upset per se. More of just a wee bit disappointed that things aren't going the way they should. Sigh. Okay. I'm quite disappointed actually. The reason for going is lost, and the numerous problems don't make for a more appealing trip. The final issue just makes me want to scream at someone, but I know its not really anyone's fault. It was just a mutual agreement that was broken. Everything off the record. So yeah. Who am I to complain? I guess I've reached the stage where I'm resigned rather than actively upset. Ok. If you got lost by this paragraph, I'm not going to explian the entire long sob story. I'm not trying to part you guys with your pity. URGH. ARGH. *gnashes teeth*

OH YEAH. I need to go to the beach. Anyone wants to go with me? The itinery is simple. Find a nice shady spot and SLEEP there the entire morning. Yup. Yes, I know what you are thinking. I am NOT a pig okay. I just want to hear and smell the sea. Maybe if I'm in a good mood, I could, you know, introduce you to the sea too! HAHA. OH, That reminds me. Should I do a beach shoot for Zone00?

"What you built you lay to waste..."

Darkness

Playlist

斬～ZAN～ by Gackt

I need a haircut. My hair is all dry and limp and boring. The strange thing is that it always smells like... McDonald french fries. I'm not joking! Its... Quite irrtating, especially for me who dislikes fries. I'm not sure about others, but fries, to me at least, alwasy taste horrible. Its either too salty or too hard. They are often really dry as well, In short, undelectable. So to think that my hair smells like that... URGH. This is a nightmare! Just to let you know, I use Clear Mint Shampoo and Herbal Essence Camomile Conditioner. Then the leave in conditioner is Kanz Hair Repair Serum. Its not a lot of stuff, nor very expensive. I know of people who swear by salon products, but I personally don't see too much of a difference. Sometimes, I use Asience. Just to mix things up a little. I'm not sure, but I think there is a need to mix products. Regardless of hair, make-up or face-related care products, I've never been one who saw substantial results from using one single range. I know the products are designed to work best together, but I would really like to know on what basis were the tests conducted. Yeah. I doubt we all have physical factors that conform to that of testing.

Sleepy~ Flare has just started again, and I can't help but feel angry at some of my team members. Ok. One team member. She happily signed up for a 3 week overseas community involvement project, knowing full well that we had to train for Nationals. Yeah, we all need CIP, but maybe do it during summer? Or have an ongoing project? A shorter CIP trip? There are many options available. Besides, what is so special about teaching kids in Shanghai English? I assure you, its nothing spectacular. Sigh. I know, its a circular argument. Yes, our team is not fantastic. Yes, we are all newbies. Yes, we are hardly good. Nevertheless, if she were to put in more effort, I think I would feel less upset. I'm not trying to achieve group stunts gold or anything. I just want a team where everyone is trying their best. Yes, I know we all have different commitments. We have different priorities. I know it is pretty unfair of me to ask more of her. But I don't ask of anyone what I cannot give. She is the weakest link. She is not strong, neither physically or mentally. She doesn't work out in her free time. She often skips practice. Now that she is gone for a good 3 weeks, when she gets back, regardless ofhow much gtround we have covered, we're going to have to start from square one again. Simply because she won't know how to execute everything. So we'll be comparatively physically more fit, and armed with more technical knowledge... I can see reasons for her to skip more trainings and get even worse. ARGH. This is utterly depressing! Ok, I shan't think about this too much, I bet I'll get a brain aneuryism.

I'm not sure how I should say this. I don't want to hurt the feelings of people who read my blog, because I know there are some who will go, "Are you talking about me?" when its not directed at them. Its just... Something like enlightenment, albeit more depressing in nature. HAHA. Its more of an observation. Ok, I'm spinning round in circles and I've yet to say anything substantial. Please don't take it personally. This is not for a person who reads my blog. HAHA. At least I don't think this person does. "You suck. You're pretty useless aren't you? Pompous, arrogant and completely useless. In a way, I pity you. You're so lousy that I don't even feel like saying anymore."

Oh OH! I'm reading Yami no Matsuei again! Oh my goodness, its so complex! Manga is way more amazing than anime. And so cool! I dig all the characters. Well, all except Hisoka. He is such a total pain. SO... For a lack of a better word, UKE. I like cute ukes okay? But he is just confused/complacent/takes Tsuzuki-chan for granted/complains a lot... He is just absoultely annoying. My favourite character is Touda, then Tsuzuki-chan with his cute doggy tail. Followed by Hakushaku. And Tatsumi-san! I tell you, Touda is HOT STUFF. Like. Literally and figuratively. I love his attitude. And how he loves Tsuzuki-chan and understands Tsuzuki-chan. Oh. It doesn't hurt that his true form is this awesome serpent thing that spews black fire. Yeah. I kind of liked Suzaku until I saw her human form. I have a 'thing' for fire. Its symbolic, in many ways. And yeah. MAYBE it has a WEE bit to do with Him. YEAH. The capital H that does not represent anything religious. Than again, you could say he is my religion. HOHOHOHOHO. Ok, I'm scaring myself.

"The day we hold hands and dance around a bonfire is the day we celebrate the death of humanity. 'Cause you're the last person I'd touch with a ten foot pole."

Friend

Playlist

The construction next door. I'm serious. Like... Thrumming bass?

I do not believe in deleting post. Each post must mean something, in order for you to spend some 15 to 20 minutes typing everything out. Its not a short period of time for a whim or fancy to be expressed in cyberspace, when that time could be spent way more productively in self-entertainment. So that post ought to say something, especially since there are going to be people who spend time to read that which you've written. Of course, there are avenues of expressing a whim. Think Twitter. Or Facebook status updates. Whatever rocks your boat. The difference is in that this is a blog. It needs to chronicle a deeper level of meaning than the random ramblings of us in our transitionary stages between moods within a day. Which is why I try never to post more than once a day. Time will smooth out the less important impulses, leaving what really matters behind. What I say is usually the status quo, at least until there is a need to update again. So if there are no updates, than that means my life has had no notable updates. That, or there are so many updates that I gave up updating.

In this way, I usually abstain from expressing anything too emotive on my blog. I suppose I feel that emotions are like the wind. It comes, and goes, and it just sweeps everything up and about. So I don't think its a reliable gauge of personal development if I were to continuously post my emotions. My posts need to be something which can convey to me my voice and state of mind when I read the entry 3 years later. And I won't be too embarrassed by what I said. Thats my benchmark. To not regret anything that is there for the world to see.

Right here and now, I think to fully appreciate the rest of the entry, you will need to read and understand Kaen's blog. I'm not in the habit of having blog responses, but I guess for something like this, its only courteous to respond in kind. HEY. I have manners ok?

I think its good to get angry. To get upset. To feel remorseful. Its even better to want to make things better. To make it right. I'm glad that you realised it. But I'm not glad that you understand. You see, in a way I would have loved it if you never knew. I don't like the people I love to get hurt. I'd keep everyone in cotton wool if I could, becuase life is full of rough and tumble. But I can't. If I do so, people would never grow up. And not growing up is dangerous in this big bad world. So I try to ease the fall. Instead of a 10 story smackdown, I'd try to lessen the fall. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Regardless, there will be an impact. The moment where everything clicks in place, and the entire situation looks like Chernobyl immediately after the accident. But the aim is not to completely remove the impact, but to teach you how to land, and how to get up again. There's bound to be an aftershock. You will think its all bleak, and you feel like crap. But look at Chernobyl now. Sure, there are no people living there, but its one of the most ecologically diverse places on earth. Mother nature took what the humans abandoned and nursed it back to life. In the same way, let nature take its course. Time will ease the bumps. The human mind cannot take much pain, so our brains haze what it can to lessen the burden on us. I don't hate you. Not at all. On the contrary, I might need to thank you for helping me grow up. I learnt to adapt. Maybe in the beginning I was thoroughly upset. I can't really remember the emotional intensity anymore. But I learnt that we're different people, no matter what we joke. And I really adopted what I said. I made something that mattered for superficial reasons into something that does not, and I think it might have been one of the best things I did. Saved me a lot of heartache and grief and sleepless nights trying to achieve something that I did not really want. In a way, my upper secondary school years gave me a solid foundation to work on. I'm not that easily beaten. I can honestly say that I'm stronger after all this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and scars fade away.

Haha. I'm a really loyal friend. But its not easy to be my friend. Most people will fall into the acquaintance catergory. A person where I wouldn't risk a single strand of my hair to save. I don't like to prove anything to anyone. I don't like to prove my dedication. Or my love and affection. So just know, ok? 'Sides, its ok to get hurt for your friends. Its ok to suffer a little. Because that is what relationships are built on. Blood, sweat and tears. Its effort, time and commitment. Its not easy, but nothing worth fighting for was ever easy to get, was it? With regard to my detractors, its ok. Thank you for being angry for my sake. Thank you for supporting me. I really really appreciate it. And you don't really need to do anything to make up or anything. I'd say it to bully you, but I'd never really need you to do anything. The thought is enough. Though more cookies would be AWESOME. Like I said, I only need the people I love to love me. Thats all. If you love me as much as I love you, we'd all be happy campers.

Ok, anymore mushy stuff and people will wonder about the purpose of my post. You're suppose to say 'thank you' and not 'sorry'. You really are slow if you don't understand why, but its ok. I can wait for you to understand.

""When life gives you lemons, take those lemons and squeeze them into the eyes of your detractors."

Wall

Playlist

思春の痕 ～love me, hug me～ by Vidoll

It seems like it was just a while ago that I was whining on and on about not having time to do all the things that I want to do. Now its the holidays, and much awaited at that. I've been pretty busy since my exams ended, mainly playing catch up my friends whom I've not seen since the middle of term. Cheerleading practices are on the cards, as well as a short trip overseas for a change in scenery. I'm not going to work this holidays, mainly because of the relatively short nature of this break. I'm not crazy enough to try and drive myself into my grave when I've only barely survived my first semester. Work will most probably feature during summer break, when I think I ought to have more time. JLPT also ended recently. The exam wasn't as horrible as I made it out to be. Its just that I don't want to be overconfident, as there is a definite possiblity of failing. And failing badly at that. Sigh.

So why do I sound so listless? It might be because there have been costume and wig problems. It might be because the people that are important to me have been hurting me, and not realising that they have. It might be because I have gone crashing into walls erected where I thought none stood. It might be because my results will be out in a few days as well. Sighs. Life is not a bed of roses even after exams.

Nevertheless, I feel kind of happy. There is no better feeling that that of someone being upset for your sake. Its a really complex emotion, because on one hand, you are superbly pissed off by what others have said, and on the other hand, you are really ecstatic that there is someone out there who is willing to stand up for you, and that person is your friend. I'm serious. The feeling is great. I've never thought much about standing up for my friends. Not that I don't do it! Oh no, its just a reflex to get upset at things that hurt them. As I'm usually the one doing the defending, I've never really been on the receiving end of such staunch support. Its gratifying to know that someone cares. That someone loves you. That wherever you are, there's someone who will defend you. Sigh. Even if the defense is seriously lacking... I guess its the thought, and the act that counts. I'm happy.

Ok, I have a few great ideas for photoshoots. All I need is the people to make it happen. I promise you, my ideas are great. I may not be the most creative person around, but I am superb at representing concepts. I have no idea, but I just happen to be good at themes. Not GREAT. But good., There is a significant difference. i'm not sure of the significance level, and I can't tell you the confidence interval, but trust me. Since when have I ever really let you down?

I should really join FedEx. Those who get the joke should applaud themselves. Its boring being witty when people don't appreciate the humour nyan~

"I accumulate happiness today so that I can deal with the shit people give me for the rest of the week."

Wiggles

Playlist

雪月花 by Gackt

I love my Tofu.

In case you didn't notice, I have a habit of naming electronic devices. My laptop is my Bento, phone is Chocolate, camera is Lolipop and now my new iPod Touch is called Tofu. Simple because the widgets wiggle when you try to rearrange them, just like tofu when you are trying to pick it up with chopsticks. Ok. Its random, I know, but its my new toy, so yeah. Take your complains up to my maker.

ANYWAY. I can surf the internet with my Tofu! HAHA. Configured it to be able to surf the internet. Its really fun! Better than getting a stinking iPhone that has lousy battery life and has so little memory. HAHA. Ok. Its the same amount of memory, but with SMS and all that crap? Its definitely not enough. I don't like using a touchscreen to sms either. And I like flip phones. Its fun to flip it open and snap it close. It feels... Good? So yup. I will continue patronising Japanese phone makers simply because, like the Japanese and the Koreans, I like flip phones. So there.

Exams are over! Yes, my first semester in university was not exactly a major disaster. If you wish to consider all my achievements, I think I can confidently say that I have matured as a person. If you were to only consider quantifiable stuff... I think joining Flare exco and accumulating a few A grades here and there something substantial since I have very little tolerance for subjects that I am not interested in. So yes. I have done well for certain components. Final grades will be out in a week and depends on my the general school system to bell-curve it and all... But yes. I'm not particularly dissatisfied with my performance. Of course, I could definitely have put in more effort to get better grades, but examning the entire context, its ok. Haha. I am trying to learn to be more postive. Regardless, I have already archived all my old folders. Its a new page next semester, and I intend to perform as well as humanely possible.

As you can possibly tell, I'm in an excellent mood. I suppose its partially to do with having a new toy, my exams having ended and something to do with seeing the orange moon hanging in the sky. I know I'm a very fortunate person. I have a dad who spoils me rotten. I have a pretty decent education. I'm not handicapped. I'm not fugly. I live in a country that is pretty safe. i have friends who truly care about me. I'm fed 'til my coach says we all need to hit the gym and lose our FATS. Yupps. I can think of 10001 things that I possess, and don't possess, that add to my standard living. I'm blessed, and I should stop complaining.

I like the new layout by Blogger. Fantastic interface that is very user friendly. Less problems as well. I think the people at Apple and Google are superbly creative. Its like... They manage to make things more convenient when you didn't even realise that it was cumbersome to begin with. Yupps. Sufficiently advance technology seems like magic. I'm not sure where I saw this, but I think its true. Imagine a box that allows you to talk to the rest of the world. Flying in the sky? All possibilities that were mere dreams in the past. I love the modern era. Now if only we could remove the element of environmental pollution...

"Cue young man and young woman staring at each other throughout the day in school. Cue said young man and woman lying in the middle of a meadow, still staring at each other, from the afternoon to dusk. Brainless much? The best advertisement for single-sex schools ever."

Game

Playlist

EVE by Vidoll

I never thought that I would be the type to do this. I know I always looked down upon people who posted such things on their blogs. It was, to me, a shameless thing to do. As if the people around you were not sufficiently attentive to your needs. Pfft. To me, it was ridiculously superficial and a sign of how materialistic and utterly immature you could be. Yet, now that I'm supposedly older and wiser, I think the me who dismissed others was immature as well. Everyone is different. And some things are merely for show. Yeah, we live in an era where the greatest game of all is appearance building. Note that I did not say character building. Its appearances. All the world's a stage, and we all need to look glamourous on it, or at the very least, play the part we are supposed to play. So lets all be good children, good friends, good students, good whatever. Stick to your role, or beware of the consequences. Getting booted off the stage means you have lost your role. Losing your role means that you have lost your purpose. And losing your purpose? You'd better find a new purpose, or cease to exist.

Anyhow, I'm not going to go in depth about my theory of appearances here. I have hardly enough evidence to arrive at a suitable conclusion. Instead, I have decided to experiment with appearances. Think of your particpation in this as some form of survey participation. I would love to know what goes through your mind when you see what I have below. Even if there is nothing, tell me. After all, its a game, and I want to know if the rules are what people say the rules are. There are often unsaid rules, the same way how some rules are just for show. Lets find the limits of this game arena, shall we?

So what exactly am I talking about? A list. Yeah, the seemingly innocuous list. Here's the first list that I could think of that would not need to many brain cells to construct.

My Wishlist is as follows, of course in no particular order of desire:

1) 2010 Journal/ Planner - This needs to be purple. And must be structured weekly.

2) iPod Touch Screen Protector

What do you think?

"Between here and there, I would like you to not breathe. I'll see you there. If you ever get there."

Birthday

Playlist

The whirring fan

I'm really sleepy, but I wanted to post, so after this, I'm heading straight to nap.

After today, I'm officially 19.

A strange age that is neither here nor there. Its a prime number. And it means that I am no longer a minor. Yet, I'm not an adult either. I can't enjoy the 'kid' benefits anymore, but I don't have the spending power to fit into the 'adult' category. Its a weird phase, and the feeling is compounded by my exhaustion.

Financial accounting exam was tough. I think I flunked. Talking to Darren and Zen after the paper just made me feel worse. In a way, I shall me honest and say I hate them for making me feel so stressed. Yeah. If you guys see this, which you won't since I don't think you guys bother with such 'trivialities', don't say I'm a bitch. I did make noise, and you guys HAPPILY ignored me, so I get to complain. Yupps. Shall work on Business Government and Society after I nap. Too sleepy for information to permeate my thick skull. I think my grades are going to be atrocious. Sigh. I'm just not smart nor hard working enough for university life. Sigh.

Oh. Dad got me a nice present. Kel gave me a Ty Beanie Bear. Jie gave me a cake. Hejin a card. Kaen a blog post. HAHA. And I got many well-wishes from my friends. Its good to be loved, but its stressful when you realise that you aren't living up to expectations. Cue imposing music when thinking about exams anyone? Still, I'm grateful. Thank you for remembering amidst all your hectic schedules, exams, meetings and what not. I know its just another day, but on this day 19 years ago, I was born. So yes. In a way, it is an important day to me. I'll thank everyone properly in the next post. I'll have to constantly update if I want to really thank everyone now, and I'm too lazy to want to do that, so I shan't. HAHA. I hope this sentence isn't too unclear for you to understand. :D

Growing up is only fun when you know you'll be successful when you grow up. Otherwise, its like jumping into the deep end of the pool without learning how to swim. I drown. Yeah. Simply because I can't swim. Sigh. This is becoming increasingly depressing. Once again, I shall attribute this to my relative sleepiness and leftover stress from my paper this morning and nervousness about the next three papers. Yup.

Shall go for my run later. I need to sweat and lose weight. yeah. I need to lose fats.

"Birthdays are days where you try hard to forget that you're one year nearer to never celebrating it again."

カエン

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thank you for being my a) best friend, b) toy, c) pet, d) cosplay buddy, e) confidant, f) sister-in-law, g) starfish... AND MORE.

I think you are damn a) uke, b) gullible, c) cute, d) confused, e) funny, f) blur, g) hilarious... AND MORE.

I know you love me! I love ya too!

We've known each other for sooooo long, and I hope I can attend your wedding!

HAHA. Be honoured that this post is dedicated to you. The only person to have this honour, other than you, is KUREI okay?

Lols.

Be happy. Be healthy.

愛してるんです！

Human

Playlist

one way by SID

Ah. Its reading week for me now. A little break for me to gather the strewn pieces of my soul and brain before I head off to the examination grounds. Yeah. The word execution could have replaced the word examination and the sentence would have retained its meaning. The wonders of language. I shan't bore you with the nitty gritty details of my insanely boring and chaotic life. There's nothing much to be said. All of it can be summarised into the immediate paragraph below. What I wanna blog about, is instead, the hypocrisy that is humanity.

I went to school. Got pissed by the atrocious lack of linguistic ability of my group mates, their inability to understand the concept of deadlines, their utter lack of responsibility and their pigheaded stubbornness. My cosplay plans are really shaky now. There are constant quarrels in the cosplay community, and it seems like everyone is mentally stuck in kindergarten. Oh the FUN~

I think humans are such stupid creatures. Biologically, we're stupid to share a vertical windpipe and food pipe. We're bound to choke once or twice and deprave our brains of the oxygen we need. Or better yet, DIE. Psychologically, we're needy little things, but we act tough simply because of societal conventions and the whole nine yards of taboos. We're riddled with contradictions, mostly because of self imposed restrictions. We try so hard to be happy, yet we always give up a metre before the finish line, only to restart the entire happiness game again. We envy what others have, totally oblivious to the things we have that they want. We pine for the things we can't have, but when we do get it, we lose interest. I think my existence is hilarious. Surrendering when I'm almost there. Worrying when its in the bag. Lovesick for a person that will never look at me. HAHA. Why don't I cherish those that I have? Why won't I worry about the things that I'm overconfident of instead? Why won't I persevere a wee bit more? I know, but I don't do it. I can't even convince myself.

What shall I do with myself? Knowing and doing is not the same thing. It never was. One is based on the part that we carefully cultivate as we grow up, be it conforming to what is necessary or culling the parts that stick out.The other is the part of us that was there all along, slumbering, resting, anaesthetised, whatever we did to it. Ideally, these two parts would be one and the same. Ideally, we'd all meet and love Prince Charming, and Prince Charming would love us in return. RIGHT.

I'd like to go on, but I feel... That I should not. I can see evidence of my own biased judgement creeping in. Its not that I think I'm completely fair and neutral all the time, but I try to be less so? Otherwise, what would be the difference between this blog and every other angst-ridden teenager's? I think the person I'm hinting at will never read this blog. Maybe because I never gave my address to that person. Maybe because that person does not have sufficient brain cells to spell the address. Maybe because that person doesn't think my blog is interesting enough to be read. Whatever.I only need the people I love to love me back.

Additional notes:

1) Hejin, I'm SO SORRY!
2) Viv, you will tell me who you are referring to NOW.
3) Dearest, you know I love you. Though I don't understand what are your motivations and I think the entire fiasco is horribly infantile, I love you. Its a good thing you're letting the feeling go. Think zen nyan~

"I want someone to stop the racket that is emanating from that hole you call a mouth."

Alive

Playlist

星の無い夜に by Deluhi

I really like this song. While Deluhi is a rock band, this song is so achingly sweet that I want to cry. There's this sense of pain and love that permeates every pore. I have no idea how Juri can sound so sad and lovely... And Leda's usually aggressive guitar is this pulsating presence that reinforces the sweet sweet lyrics that Juri is singing. I'd totally watch the PV if they ever release one.

I wanted to blog about how tired I was... But after listening to this song... I think I shall refrain from doing that. After all, it is kind of pointless. Everyone knows that I am exhausted. Everyone is having a hard time. So I decided to blog about something more positive. We all need hope in times of troubles.

I want to thank Vivien. She's such a dear. I'm not sure if Hejin still reads my blog, but I can't say why we went out and did what we did today. HAHA. Hejin, you'll find out soon enough! Anyway. I had some heart to heart with Vivien. She's an awesome listener. I guess I'll never be as good a listener as her. HAHA. But its ok. Its just one of those things in life that draw people together. Anyway. Had Sakae Sushi with her... And we walked around a bit. I guess it was just enjoying each other's company. She took the same bus as me home. I fell asleep on her shoulder! I can't believe it! I just wanted to rest a bit, lack of sleep due to the institution in town, and I fell asleep! I'd never done anything like that before! I think Viv's shoulder was awfully sore after that... I apologise, but I had a great rest! Thanks Viv!

Collected my Litchi costume. Urgh. I wasn't thinking clearly when I tailored it. The material is really thin. It is a wee bit revealing. The top. The skirt. And my entire costume is held together by 3 pieces of velcro. HAHA. Kaen, SD, Winter, can you keep me safe during AFA? Please? HAHA. I'd love to have Renge, Kurei and Raiha protecting me. So what if its a different series? I promise to be good. I'd try not to jump Kurei. I'd try not to glomp Raiha. And I'd try not to tease Renge. I don't know how I'm going to cope... If any of the 3 pieces of velcro gives way... I'd ask Kurei or Renge for their top? Since they are likely to be wearing other stuff underneath? Oh boy. Imagine. Wearing Kurei's cloak... Ok. Excuse me while I scream in ecstasy and let my imagination run wild.

I passed my Statistics mid terms! Heehee. Kinda happy, since I was sure I would fail, and badly at that. Its only a C+ grade, but hey. A pass is a pass. Beggars can't be choosy no? Sigh. There's still the Statistics project... I hope we don't screw up too badly. Ok. I shan't be so negative. Ought to trust in my team more. Hey team! Give me a reason to trust you ok? This is hilarious. Simply because no one from my Statistic class reads my blog! I think.

JLPT4 will be held in SMU! I was so surprised. I was moaning about how I had to wake up at an unearthly hour to travel an unearthly distance... So I was pleasantly surprised when i saw the letter. Awesome. Its SOE, and I'd have no problems with attending an exam at 10am in the morning. Familiar location plus decent timing. I love JCS! I should pass. I want to pass. Shall begin studying soon. Now I'm just mucking about. Disappointing, but it is the truth.

Ok, I shall start on my work...

"Obstructive words -- because when the voices cut in, they become an endless barrage of thorns."

Parents

Playlist

Shade by Deluhi

I miss parents. I'm not being sarcastic. I really, truly, honest-to-god miss them.

They've been in US for about... 2 weeks plus now? Everyone tells me how jealous they are that I have so much freedom. They say that I can do anything I want, anyway I want. They ask if I'm happy to be by myself.

"Don't you wish your parents would go on holiday together more often?"

BULL.

I miss them. I miss coming home at 11pm, all hot, bothered and tired, and seeing them watching the news. They're waiting for me, but they'd never say it. I miss the light they leave on for me if I'm home late and they've gone to bed. I miss being able to go for a midnight snack with them if dinner was especially pathetic. I miss the hot water they boil first thing every morning. I miss their offers to drive me to school on weekends so that I can sleep in for another 15 minutes. I miss hearing their voice when I call to say that I'm on my way home. I miss my parents. I miss this sense of coming home to my family. Going out is fun. Being with my friends is good. At the end of the day, however, what I want more than anything is a place where I can belong. That place happens to be my home, where my parents are.

Freedom is when you maximise the boundaries. When you have no boundaries, you have no freedom. I go home and feel like crying. I am crying. I'm tired and weary, and my home has no sense of peace, thanks to that brat who happens to be related to me. He leaves the plate on the table from 7am to 10pm, waiting for me to clear it when I'm home. Well, the ants got there faster than me, thats for sure. He leaves his dirty clothes and socks all over the house, and now the house smells like some construction site. He cannot be bothered to water the plants, so I'm constantly worrying if they'll die in the hot weather with me returning so late in the night. This is on top of the random pieces of trash scattered all over, with his clothes strewn all over and belongings ranging from keys in the kitchen, wallet in the toilet and school bag in the corridor.

I have this urge to hurl everything into the bin or out of the window, whichever is nearer at that point in time.

I want my parents back. 3 people clearing up is easier. And this is on top of their presence, which would definitely make me feel better emotionally. Parents are problems, but they are problems I'd pick anyday.

Do I feel happy that they are gone? Do I want them to stay longer? Am I pleased with being alone?

The BLOODY answer is NO. So SHUT UP. Stop asking. NO, I AM NOT HAPPY.

"Your smile that hasn’t changed even the slightest since those times/ It makes up for the time that has passed..."

Sad

Playlist

One Love by Arashi

Its strange. This feeling. I just realised what it was. A bit silly, considering how I've been feeling this way for quite a while.

Sadness.

Its an amusing emotion. There is something poignant about it. Not like the fleeting illusion of happiness. Nor like the choking weight of anger. Its quieter. More thoughful, in a way. Like a contemplative person by a stream. Where those who are happy live in the blazing roller coaster of life, those who are sad watch the world go by and think of the days that have gone past, and the days that have yet to come. Where those who are angry wreck havoc on this delicate world, those who are sad cherish that which is there, no matter how small or insignificant. Its so romatic, in its own little way. Not a blinding exuberance but a quiet appreciation. Melancholy is an art.

A throbbing awareness that refuses to go away. A tightness that persists no matter how you try to stretch it out. A simmering, accumulating presence. I'm not sure, but I think I can be sad while I'm happy. I can be sad while I'm angry. I can be sad when I'm lonely. To me, sadness is black, with an aquamarine sheen to it. Like the black-green of a beetle. Its dark, but its beautiful as well. Am I reading to much into this? I'm not sure, but I think this is part of maturing. Children are blazing streaks across the sky. Be it day or night, they'd shine bright, staking their claim on some part of the world. As I get older, I've mellowed. You're no longer so insecure as to need a neon presence. All I need is my little space to exist. Its not giving up on the world. Nor is it resignation per se. Its more of... Self acceptance. Where you start to know your true value. You start to understand how its not necessary to stab a flag and stake your territory. You'd just belong. You'd just exist. The world has already known of you, and has reserved a little corner for you.

I think there is bound to be a certain element of mourning in melancholy. A bitter taste, not overwhelming, but there all the same. Useful, for it lets you realise how sweet everything else it. Its a marker to benchmark and compare, and an important one at that. Its a mark of how far we've come.

"Come to play... Forget your troubles... Sing and dance... Today has ended..."

English

Playlist

It's My Life by Bon Jovi

I love the English language. Its HILARIOUS. The sentence structures are meant to trip you up and upside down. The vocabulary is borrowed from a multitude of languages so phonetics are a joke. The best part? METAPHORS. Oh boy. The Americans do it like no other nation on Earth. And below is evidence. I laughed so hard I won't have to attend cheer practice for another month. I now have abs from the amount of laughing I did. And my cheeks freaking hurt! So ladies and the odd gentlemen who stumbles across my blog, I present to you excerpts from English essays of high schoolers of the almighty USA!


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. M. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. M. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I think E.Coli, En Pointe and Garbage Truck are the funniest, althought the others are fantastic as well. Now you know why English and Literature teachers are a psychotic bunch. With stuff like these, who needs comedy!

"Happiness is something that we have to earn with blood, sweat and tears."

Personality

Playlist

Glee Soundtrack... Not sure which song...

I came across this on HJ's blog, and did this for fun. Do you think its an accurate description of me? Comments, please?

Passionate

You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.

You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.

Abrasive

You are accustomed to rubbing people the wrong way; it's simply what happens when you express your opinions. In your opinion, there's nothing wrong with being controversial.

You don't have a "live and let live" attitude when it comes to other people whose opinions clash with yours; you see no reason to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is just plain wrong.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.

You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.

You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Friendly

You would rather hang out with others than spend time alone, and you'd far rather be doing something with your friends than just sitting around. You're happy in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.

You're not a private person who is ill at ease in a group; you don't view excessive socializing as a waste of time.

Accessible

You're comfortable expressing yourself in words and actions, with no self-censorship. You believe that if someone doesn't like what they see it's not your problem, but theirs. A high score on the "accessible" trait suggests that you have a lot of friends, socialize often, and enjoy rap/hip-hop music. ( I LIKE ROCK MUSIC.)

You don't see the need to keep your thoughts to yourself, or to have a zone of privacy that encompasses only yourself and a small circle of friends and relatives.(PFFFT.)

Understanding

You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.

" I'm greedy. I don't want time to stop when I'm happy, because I know there will be more and happier moments in the future."

Coping

Playlist

Prof as he speaks... HAHA.

Was reading this online, courtesy of HJ, and found this amusing. I guess the person I am now can easily identify and relate to these measures taken. After all, I happen to be more self aware than I was, say, a year ago. This matters a lot, as we grow the most when we’re under 21. Every year, you learn a lot more interesting things. Similarly, I’d also come to appreciate more things that I couldn’t really grasp previously.

Below is the said amusing thing that I stumbled across, directed by HJ. Ladies and gentlemen, a brief idea of the means humankind employ to cope with our horridly cold world. I apologise if the examples are a wee bit biased and if the font is peculiar. I typed it out in Word and now the formatting is completely screwed up. Disgusting how sites can't agree on some nice fonts fro all of us to use. I use Trebuchet usually, but Word's Trebuchet and Blogger's Trebuchet is different. Ridiculous don't you think so?

Here is a full list of coping mechanisms:

* Acting out: not coping - giving in to the pressure to misbehave. In plain English, you succumb to pressure and start fangirling over Cloud with all the 10001 other fangirls even though you HATE Cloud and his ridiculously spiky hair and think Sephiroth with his silky hair is AWESOME GODLINESS.

* Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable. In plain English, since you can’t get Atobe-sama, you settle for oogling at the life-sized poster of him in the bookstore.

* Altruism: Helping others to help self. In plain English, you help your friend and yourself queue for the limited edition Gackt calendar, while she helps the both of you queue for the limited edition hyde poster.

* Attack: trying to beat down that which is threatening you. In plain English, flaming on online forums when you see someone trying to overflame and usurp your position as THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.

* Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress. In plain English, you stop going to the thread where people are flaming you, as you can’t overflame THE GREAT AND HOLY FLAMER.

* Compartmentalization: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments. In plain English, you worry about your costume in the left part of your brain, your school work in the right side of your brain and daydream about Sebastian of Kuroshitsuji with your ENTIRE brain.

* Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another. In plain English, if look fugly, you learn to be a fantastic make-up artist.

* Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms. In plain English, you stalk the idiot who flamed you and beat ‘em up cause you can’t outflame them. Kids, don’t try this at home.

* Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. In plain English, you refuse to acknowledge that you cosfucked by denying that you ever cosplayed at EOY 20XX. But we all know you were there :D

* Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target. In plain English, if you can’t defeat the number one in school, you bully number zero simply because he/she was there and cannot fight back.

* Dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life. In plain English, you have some form of minor split personality. You are Melissa in school, Mel at home and Ah Jie with your after school biker gang.

* Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion. In plain English, you start deconstructing you room, crying, screaming and punching meanwhile, when you realise that Gackt is coming to Singapore. And you do the same when your best friend betrays you. And when you wake up late for school. ‘Nuff said.

* Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility. In plain English, COSPLAY. Disneyland relies on this for the big bucks.

* Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help, then reject it. In plain English, you ask for advice from your friends, but reject all proposals simply because you can’t decide if you want their help or not, but you feel good that they offer you help. If you’re like this, please go jump off some high-rise building.

* Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired. In plain English, you only see how Kurei is hot/amazing/handsome/cool/talented/smart/rich/flamboyant/nice/sweet/refined etc is, completely ignoring that he is a mass murderer/ bastard/cold-blooded/sadistic… You get the drift.

* Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics. In plain English, you see how cool Lacus Clyne is, and you COPY. So that for that 10 minutes in costume, you’re not mean and bitchy, but nice and sweet and kind and lovely…. Let me leave to hurl up my pitiful lunch.

* Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic. In plain English, you rationalise that the $600 lolita dress is worth the money because it’s a) Designed by Mana-san, b) Only 500 pieces are made, c) No one else in Singapore would buy it (No one else is as crazy.) and d) Its got a 0.5% discount!

* Introjection: Bringing things from the outer world into the inner world. In plain English, after cosplaying a lesbian, you realise you have a sudden interest in girls…

* Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance. In plain English, you know your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to break up with you, so you turn off your phone.

* Performing rituals: Patterns that delay. In plain English, you have to listen to Vidoll’s XXX song first thing in the morning every day to make your day better. Personally, I think it’d just make you later if you woke up late, but oh well!

* Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people. In plain English, you think that girl that is a bitch, when you’re the actual mean bitch.

* Provocation: Get others to act so you can retaliate. In plain English, you give people a reason to complain and then you shoot them down. I love this method of coping with stress. Cause its FUN :D

* Rationalization: creating logical reasons for bad behavior. In plain English, it is a lot like idealization. I think she can be a bitch because she’s young/ inexperienced/ silly/ immature… Or just plain stupid, so I cannot fault her behaviour. Right. Who am I trying to delude here?

* Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position. In plain English, I love Atobe-sama so much that I try to decrease the number of fangirls by complaining about him… While I secretly have an Atobe shrine in my room. Man, I should learn to do this…

* Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems. In plain English, you speak and act like an immature baby so that people will not expect much from you. More importantly, you THINK like a baby too!

* Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts. In plain English, even though you think that girl next to you is a fat, talentless, heavy, whiny and irritating bitch, you hide all these under the cover of TEAMWORK and continue working with her.

* Self-harming: physically damaging the body. In plain English, you cut your wrists when stressed. ‘Nuff said.

* Somatization: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms. In plain English, you’re so stressed by your report, that you get stomach flu, fever, the cold… Yeah.

* Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities. In plain English, you’re pissed, so you start cleaning the house, packing your room, washing your clothes… Cool huh? This is of course, a POSITIVE example.

* Substitution: Replacing one thing with another. In plain English, you stop being angry at your mom for not allowing you to go out, and instead, get angry at your sister for borrowing your skirt.

* Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges. In plain English, you really really want to strangle that **** but you hold back. Yay for self-control.

* Symbolization: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols. In plain English… I can’t put this in plain English, most unfortunately. Its an abstract concept to begin with. But think of it as having a nightmare of books falling on you when your library books are due. A little extreme though…

* Trivializing: Making small what is really something big. In plain English, you may have just run over someone in your new car, but you just treat the person like normal roadkill. Okay. Not funny. How about this, you were rejected by the guy you like, and you brush it off by saying he liked you first. Delusional much eh?

* Undoing: actions that psychologically 'undo' wrongdoings for the wrongdoer. In plain English, after you have a huge argument online with your friend, you meet up with her with a box of Junjou cookies, lots of BL drama cds and… VOILA! All is forgiven! You don’t even have to apologise! Cause the boys of Junjou does it so well, no?

Wow. I’m impressed by myself. I think I’m less stressed after doing this actually...

"Let's all sing and dance and celebrate... Even though we all know its a LIE."

Cheerless

Playlist

Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)

I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.

I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.

One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.

I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?

I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.

No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?

"The noise is killing me..."

Base

Playlist

Goodbye My Love by 8eight

It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.

There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.

I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...

Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.

"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."

Demise

Playlist

No mood to listen to music

This is a called a reality check. It is aimed at all my friends. At least, on last count, you were my friend. If you are, please read and understand. Please read and internalize. Because I do not want to say this more times than necessary. Airing dirty laundry is never a good thing.

I'm absolutely stressed. I have to deal with bullying, discrimination and ostracisation EVERY single day. I've had insults a plenty and been put down so many times I sometimes wonder why I bother to get up. My life now is a bed of thorns. I'm not expecting you to think of an answer. I do not need you to interfere. What I need you to do is to stop making my life more difficult! Stop being so reactive. I'm always the one to initiate the meeting. I'm always the one calling you, smsing you, creating the schedule. Could you call me for a change? Ask me how my life is like for a change? Ask me if I have problems for a change? Ask me out for a treat for a change? Why must I be the one desperately chasing after you? Why must I be the one to always to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be strong and listen to you whine to me? I offer comfort to everyone, and pray tell me who offers me comfort in my time of need? I can count with one finger! This is a relationship. Not a one-sided crush! If I'm too much of a burden, tell me. You'll be less of a burden too. I've had enough of rushing to put out people's fires while my house is burning down.

So your life is difficult? I bet its no worse than mine. I'm failing my modules in school. Just had a presentation today, will have a presentation tomorrow, and there's another 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have 2 research papers due in 2 weeks. Mind you, research papers. 10 pages plus of proper writing. Not your smoked 3 page essay. So its plenty of effort all right. And you know I always do my work well. My cca is 3 times a week, and I have a 3 day training camp next week. My Japanese lesson continue. My driving test is in 3 weeks. My never ending school work on top of all these, with me 4 weeks behind class for my assignments on average. I have to do revision because my exams are in 2 weeks. I need to do a mountain of readings to prepare for class. I've say, one good friend in school only. I'm really short on sleep. My arm is injured. My back aches. Your life is bad? Then whats this?

Can you be nice and kind and help me with meeting you? Please? I really want to go out with you. So can you turn up on time when I give you my precious 3 hours? Can you give me a few days of notice? Could you at least put in half as much effort as me? I know I'm not your boyfriend. I know you have your problems. I'm just asking you to try harder. Because at this rate, when I die, you're not invited to my funeral. After all, I bet you wont be able to make it to see for the last time anyway. Besides, whats the point of attending my funeral when you've never bothered to sustain the relationship with me even when I was alive? Trying to gain brownie points so that I'd help you in Hell? Dream on.

Happy Children's Day.

"May we all rest in peace."

Brief

Playlist

Without a Heart by 8eight

Yes, I do listen to non-Japanese music.

I'm in an awful mood. A murderous mood to be exact. An infantile squirt made my day awful. It started alright. I had a 1.5 hour driving lesson that was not a disaster, and I had dessert during lunch so I sort of inflated my happiness so that I had more buffer against the nonsense my group cpould throw at me. Next time, I'd need a DOME meal beforehand instead. It was HORRIBLE. Contrary to popular belief, I do not dig boys who espouse vulgarities with every breathe of air they exhale. Neither do I appreciate being told that my death will be something 'everyone' will celebrate. It is downright rude, and this flippant comment has just sent you into my Black List. Should I be given the chance, I promise to make you suffer. As for now, a curse will suffice. May you never achieve the pinnacle of the happiness that was meant to be yours. You will always fall short by that one measely and important inch. What you want will always be within reach, but you will never be able to attain it. Like the man under the apple tree and soaked in water. The apple will be always that one inch away from your lips, and the water one inch away no matter how u bend down. Impossible for you.

Vicious aren't I?

I'm scared. Afriad that I'd fail. I think I've mentioned this here before. Its a terrible feeling, depression is. I know I'm not the only one, which isn't something worth rejoicing about. I do not want my friends to suffer too...

School is killing me. I think its the Week 6-7 syndrome. Where all your work is due. And presentations are to be made. Like trying to make sure you don;t go for your recess week without a fight. Man, the school is mean and vindictive. Why am I not surprised? So yes. I should not be blogging right now. I still have an essay to be completed, but... Yeah. I've run out of nonsense to say about social networking. Don't we all. Sigh.

"見た目から入る恋なんて　夏風邪の次に性質が悪い 散々な前の一件で　もう十分懲りたんじゃなかった？”