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Last Game by Matenrou Opera
I miss my old self. The self that I was before all this nonsense began. The self who never questioned my instincts, and never buttered the truth. The self who would do things honestly, and unflinchingly take the punishment for mistakes. The self who faced the world with wide eyes, head on. I miss that me. I'm not certain that I can go back to that period of innocence. Lost and never to return. Its saddening. And infuriating. But deep down inside, I guess I acknowledge the fact that we all lose parts of ourselves along the way. Purity and innocence are ideals that we can scarce afford when we're surrounded by scheming wolves. Sure, I could hold on to these. Of course, this blog would have died out some 3 to 4 years ago. Oh yeah. That means it would never have existed in the first place! So yes. Survival of the fittest. Or in this case, those who can afford to lose more. Nevertheless, I miss myself. Hey, I'm entitled to sentimental feelings for the portions of my life I sacrificed!
There are times when I wake up in the morning and wonder what it is that keeps me ticking. What makes it such that I can wake up in the morning and not die at night? What makes it such that my heart still beats, my heart functions, my brain is processing away and all other bodily activities are a GO? And best of all, why do I keep waking up? If there is a higher purpose, I'd really like to find out, because I honestly feel that I'm barely better than a marionette. I'm doing the same things in the same old pattern every day. I'm going about my life with as much drive as a car with a dead battery. Which is to say that I'm dragging my feet all the way and not really putting in sufficient effort into anything. I think I'm a lucky gal, but I'm not doing enough? I'm not sufficiently motivated enough. Its not an external thing; I know I'm not one to be very driven by external circumstances. Internal motivation is sorely lacking.
I was at Borders that day and bought a full length kanji dictionary. I realised that while the online dictionaries were plenty cute and all, there are certain word applications that were absent. Of course, there are the more common words, but when I want to check the meaning of the phrase, the most online dictionaries can do is to give me the meaning of each individual kanji, and I'll have to put it all together. Yes, I'm able to understand Chinese, which makes studying Japanese much easier, but there are some combinations that are different. Nuances, as the Japanese adopted kanji so many hundred years ago and there has been a separate developement of kanji to suit the needs of the island nation. Chinese, on the other hand, was utilised by a larger community and has been directly modified by modern day culture (without katakana to buffer foreign words out) so its inevitable that there are differences. In case you're wondering, I'm NOT a linguistics professor. The sheer number of errors in my blog should be testament to that. I'm just a girl who happens to have been brought up in an Chinese family in an English speaking country, and have an interest in the Japanese language. I can read and write Chinese and English just fine, although I'm linguistically weaker in Chinese, with basic knowledge of Japanese. So I'm no expert, though I love the Chinese and Japanese language. Its so romantic, compared to English. The way the characters are formed, and the way the sentences are structured... Pretty~
Okay, I sound superbly biased. I'm not! The fact that this blog is in ENGLISH should be reason enough. I wouldn't be able to construct a blog like this in Chinese. For me, Chinese is a language close to my heart. I won't want to use it to blog, because you run the risk of overtly emoting and sounding like the blurb of some weepy drama serial. I'd probably sound like a primary school student if I were to blog in Chinese, and a toddler if I did so in Japanese. URGH. I need to hit the books again. either that or I need to be dropped into the middle of China or Japan. I'd prefer Japan, just so you know, because they have a better public transporatation system.
I believe I've happily went off tangent and derailed at some far off island in the middle of the Pacific. Pardon the pathetic attempt at humour. My life is boring ya know? So this is a short post, and I'll go see if there's anymore laundry that needs to be done. If there's one thing that is always present, its laundry. Did it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and now? There are still clothes waiting to be washed. Other clothes waiting to be folded. And some waiting to be kept. The sad reality is that the cycle repeats.
"Is background noise is better than oppresive silence?"
I was at Borders that day and bought a full length kanji dictionary. I realised that while the online dictionaries were plenty cute and all, there are certain word applications that were absent. Of course, there are the more common words, but when I want to check the meaning of the phrase, the most online dictionaries can do is to give me the meaning of each individual kanji, and I'll have to put it all together. Yes, I'm able to understand Chinese, which makes studying Japanese much easier, but there are some combinations that are different. Nuances, as the Japanese adopted kanji so many hundred years ago and there has been a separate developement of kanji to suit the needs of the island nation. Chinese, on the other hand, was utilised by a larger community and has been directly modified by modern day culture (without katakana to buffer foreign words out) so its inevitable that there are differences. In case you're wondering, I'm NOT a linguistics professor. The sheer number of errors in my blog should be testament to that. I'm just a girl who happens to have been brought up in an Chinese family in an English speaking country, and have an interest in the Japanese language. I can read and write Chinese and English just fine, although I'm linguistically weaker in Chinese, with basic knowledge of Japanese. So I'm no expert, though I love the Chinese and Japanese language. Its so romantic, compared to English. The way the characters are formed, and the way the sentences are structured... Pretty~
Okay, I sound superbly biased. I'm not! The fact that this blog is in ENGLISH should be reason enough. I wouldn't be able to construct a blog like this in Chinese. For me, Chinese is a language close to my heart. I won't want to use it to blog, because you run the risk of overtly emoting and sounding like the blurb of some weepy drama serial. I'd probably sound like a primary school student if I were to blog in Chinese, and a toddler if I did so in Japanese. URGH. I need to hit the books again. either that or I need to be dropped into the middle of China or Japan. I'd prefer Japan, just so you know, because they have a better public transporatation system.
I believe I've happily went off tangent and derailed at some far off island in the middle of the Pacific. Pardon the pathetic attempt at humour. My life is boring ya know? So this is a short post, and I'll go see if there's anymore laundry that needs to be done. If there's one thing that is always present, its laundry. Did it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and now? There are still clothes waiting to be washed. Other clothes waiting to be folded. And some waiting to be kept. The sad reality is that the cycle repeats.
"Is background noise is better than oppresive silence?"
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