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In class....
Just went to the Apple store to take a look, and I feel sad for my Tofu. Not even a year and it now looks like something from the stone age. Not that I will change my Tofu immediately, hell no, but the retina display is really very attractive to a frequent reader of manga on the go. Being able to see Tsuruga Ren CLEARLY is a huge plus. Oh well, you have it to Apple to make wants feel like a need.
I guess we all have our sad and bad times. No one can predict when exactly we would feel bad, but I guess you can predict certain patterns after a while? You start feeling upset when you feel unmotivated, when you feel that you're not as important as others, when you fel that you're being abandoned, when you feel that you're not understood, when you feel that you have no other viable alternative. The symptoms are obvious enough, and they set in after a while. First is the emptiness in some deep part of you that makes you go out more and talk more and interact more. Next comes the nagging suspicion that you're just not up to task and that everyone else is spinning gaily away from you. After that comes the more physical manifestations, where some sleep more and others sleep much less, where some eat more and others eat much less. Sooner or later, you reach this stage where, with the closest of your friends, the bestest of your friends, you don't know what to say anymore. No problems with those who are just 'friends' because you're able to smoke and fluff through with random nuggets of information, surface acting and pasisng information along. But with those who know you well? You can't hide and you don't know what to say, so you go along and play along with the mood, all the while feeling like you should be doing something else somewhere else... Or that something is just wrong.
Voice of experience as you can tell. Its been so long that I've been stuck in this rut that after a while it becomes modus operandi. As if you'll never be able to truly smile from the bottom of your heart because you closed off parts of your heart to stop the flooding from wrecking your daily life. (Disconcerting submarine analogy I know.) As if you'll never know what you truly want, because all the surface acting has robbed of you of your ability to be true to yourself. As if you'll never be able to love anyone, because you can't even love yourself, much less another entity. You may say that I'm exaggerating, but how would you know that I am? How do you know what lies under my laughter, smiles, lame jokes and dramatics? No matter what, I am made of flesh and blood and tears.
Okay, this is not a particularly inspiring post. I don't think despair is something that I would like to share. Misery loves company, but not to make others more miserable, oh no, but that miserable people love the company of others. I think there is a need to communicate what you want? Even if its superficial and surface, its better than denying this base need. Because how many layer of masks do you want to wear? One? Two? Three? Or even more to the extent that you can't count anymore? Its tiring, unbearably so. Just tell others what you need and what you want, because in our nice and conservative Asian society, sometimes what you want is actually what you need. I try not to tell myself 'It's okay.', because it rarely ever is. You clamp down on your internal uprising and put on your best 'okay' face at what expense? At the expense of your own happiness. At the expense of your ability to express yourself. At the expense of opprtunities lost and forever gone. At the expense of your own peace of mind. I think its almost never 'okay'. We all have our preference, i'll jsut say mine, while you say yours and I'm sure we'll reach a consensus somewhere.
Okie, this turned out to be pretty lecture-ish. But I suppose it is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel inside. You might not feel the same way as me, which is DUH, because we're different people. But the key thing is that we are all still people? That we have hopes and fears, we have dreams and nightmares, we have desires and all the itty bitty things we want far far away from us. We're all human. All people. And I think this is probably the most important factor. I may not be friends with everyone, but I respect them as human beings. Its the very least I can do.
"And sometimes, tears alone won't be enough, because blood has to be shed for a new day's dawn."
Voice of experience as you can tell. Its been so long that I've been stuck in this rut that after a while it becomes modus operandi. As if you'll never be able to truly smile from the bottom of your heart because you closed off parts of your heart to stop the flooding from wrecking your daily life. (Disconcerting submarine analogy I know.) As if you'll never know what you truly want, because all the surface acting has robbed of you of your ability to be true to yourself. As if you'll never be able to love anyone, because you can't even love yourself, much less another entity. You may say that I'm exaggerating, but how would you know that I am? How do you know what lies under my laughter, smiles, lame jokes and dramatics? No matter what, I am made of flesh and blood and tears.
Okay, this is not a particularly inspiring post. I don't think despair is something that I would like to share. Misery loves company, but not to make others more miserable, oh no, but that miserable people love the company of others. I think there is a need to communicate what you want? Even if its superficial and surface, its better than denying this base need. Because how many layer of masks do you want to wear? One? Two? Three? Or even more to the extent that you can't count anymore? Its tiring, unbearably so. Just tell others what you need and what you want, because in our nice and conservative Asian society, sometimes what you want is actually what you need. I try not to tell myself 'It's okay.', because it rarely ever is. You clamp down on your internal uprising and put on your best 'okay' face at what expense? At the expense of your own happiness. At the expense of your ability to express yourself. At the expense of opprtunities lost and forever gone. At the expense of your own peace of mind. I think its almost never 'okay'. We all have our preference, i'll jsut say mine, while you say yours and I'm sure we'll reach a consensus somewhere.
Okie, this turned out to be pretty lecture-ish. But I suppose it is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel inside. You might not feel the same way as me, which is DUH, because we're different people. But the key thing is that we are all still people? That we have hopes and fears, we have dreams and nightmares, we have desires and all the itty bitty things we want far far away from us. We're all human. All people. And I think this is probably the most important factor. I may not be friends with everyone, but I respect them as human beings. Its the very least I can do.
"And sometimes, tears alone won't be enough, because blood has to be shed for a new day's dawn."
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