Inside

Playlist


Telephone by Glee Cast


I think I'm seething inside. On the surface I am still able to function and smile and laugh and prattle about insignificant things to make people happy, but inside I'm a wreck. I do know how I feel inside. Like duh. I have a pretty good relationship with myself. I know when I feel like crap. I know when I feel happy. I know when everything is in a mess and the only reason I function is through sheer grit and force of will. I guess I've been in worse straits. I guess I've fallen lower. This isn't rock bottom. Not yet anyway. I'll do my best to never get there? But sometimes your emotions don't function the way you want them to? In fact, they rarely ever do? So yes. Don't ask me if I'm okay. The answer is very obviously NO. But I'll live. I'll freaking yank myself out of this rut. I'll get up, even if I get hurt. Yeah, it would hurt to the high heavens and I'd cry, but I'm going to get up. Help pull me up if you're a friend. I refuse to let myself give up. I refuse to give others a reason a reason to say I'm weak. I refuse to let the situation become a disaster of epic proportions.


I'm not a strong person. I'm indifferent to things and people that don't matter, but once it matters I'm super lousy against it. No resistance, because I tend to give more then I get. A lot of space to get hurt. Which might be the reason why I'm not in a romantic relationship? I think I'll be crying forever if I get into a romantic relationship. So my brain, with whatever brain cells left from what school did not manage to kill, automatically rejects people. I put people into safe categories and with this nice label, I'm safe. I won't let anyone progress past this. Of course, anyone who knows me well knows I'm super duper curious. And that I like to play and experiment. And I like to play with dangerous things. I think I have a minor case of split personality or something. I know it has a high chance of going south of ruining my life. Nevertheless, I'll still go back for more. I'd still try and play. I don't gamble; I just play. Its not just money. Its the intangible things that I play with, the things that you can't quantify. Which might be why I'm in cheer.


I'm a base/back spot. I don't mind? I'd like to fly too though. It looks freaking exciting. Yes, I saw people break their noses. The abrasions. The wounds. Coming down from 2 metres in the air to land on your head. Sprained wrists. Sprained ankles. Knees slammed against the floor. Scratches, cuts... I think cheer is way more dangerous than any other sport mankind can ever imagine. Sport. I'm not talking about cliff-diving and bungee-jumping. These aren't sports. You can't really compete I think? Yeah. I need adrenaline. Maybe because I'm burying parts of myself to conform to society and the demands of daily life. I need an avenue of expression, where I can just do something that is stupid and dangerous. Cheer is both. No matter what anyone tells you, cheer is stupid because it encourages you to put your life onto the hands of others in the name of sport. DUMB.


Sigh. The more I think about this the more I feel like I should take action. Yet, I have no idea of what action I should take. If I do the wrong thing I would probably hit my head against the wall repeatedly in exasperation at my stupidity. Life is scary.


"You knew I was free but you couldn't be bothered."

Lessons

Playlist

踊れ by Micro

I've been in a whole herd of CCAs in my twelve years of formal education and two years in university. And its not like they are all of the same type. Sports, arts, clubs... I've probably been in every type of CCA, with the exception of uniformed groups and those business CCAs. Then again those are considered clubs? Yeah. I've seen a lot of group dynamics, and I think I've learnt a lot. Life lessons I think. Things that the classroom never really teaches you. Things that have to do with organization structure and people relations. And things that tell you more about yourself.

In primary school, my first CCA was Library Club. I assure you it was fun until I wiped the 15th shelf and sorted the 200th book. The teacher in charge was super strict, and we were not allowed to read during club hours. I promptly gave up once I heard that. No point doing cleaning work if I couldn't indulge in my favourite pastime no? The first thing I realised: I was only willing to work for a benefit. 

After that I joined Tennis, and was in Tennis until secondary school. I was never a very consistent player, so I was not in the school team. I was not bad at Tennis, I just got bored of it very quickly. I felt like a dog chasing after a ball, and I disliked having to constantly pick up balls whenever it went out of court. Training in secondary school was very tough. Warm ups were on average 3km runs. Followed by reps to improve coordination and strength. Physical training was killer. More running. Jumping. Numerous exercises. And this was on top of Physical Education in school and jogging sessions. I think I was superbly fit in secondary school. The second thing I learnt: Failing means you have to work more. I can do well, I just need to be motivated. And I think the most important thing was that to improve, a lot of time, effort, sheer hard work, muscle aches, sweat and tears needs to be invested.

Tennis was also the first time I was in contact with the 'popular' clique and hierarchy. It was silly to me, that the seniors get to drink water and got to rest after training, while the juniors had to clean up the court and pack up. To me, everyone used the courts, so everyone should pack. All of us had hands and feet; we could draft a schedule or something and everyone could contribute. I met two of my very good friends in secondary school in Tennis, one a good tennis player, and the other a classmate. The 3 of us were ostracised in the team, because we were not pretty or rich (yes, tennis is a rich person's sport) and obviously, were not 'in'. I think I was left alone because I was a rebel and deviant. People could not predict what I would say or do, so they gave me wide berth. My friends? They were just ignored because they were quieter. It was pretty annoying, because they were nice people (unlike me) and were feeling super lonely. And this taught a few more things: I don't subscribe well to hierarchy. I tend to hang out with the underdogs. And people are mean.

I was also in Audio Visual/ Public Announcement Club in secondary school. Started as a school appointment for my class, and I stayed on for four years. Oh I learnt a lot about politicking from this CCA. The stakes were smaller, so people were more petty. Control was a big thing, and the keys to all the various stores were a physical manifestation of that power everyone wanted so much. It was important to teach the juniors how to use the expensive equipment, so equipment trainings were a big part of club activities. After AV, I know how to wind wires properly, how to test a microphone, how to set up a microphone stand, how to operate stage lighting, how to operate stage curtains, how to operate basic music controls, how to make an announcement in school, how to laminate, how to use walkie talkies... A lot knowledge that you are unlikely to ever use again. More than that, I learnt that the backstage people are people you should never piss off if you want good service. I learnt that AV people are the first to arrive and the last to leave. I learnt how to run across the school carrying heavy equipment, up flights of stairs and to set up in record time. I learnt how to disappear into the background, and that keys are very important assets. I learnt that all the people on stage are useless without us.

I was given the honour of being part of the Outdoor Adventure Club. It was a pretty big thing in secondary school? The five most promising students from each CCA was nominated to apply, where you go through camps and trainings to be finally selected to be part of this elite CCA cum school appointment thing. You learnt to set up obstacle courses, set up a campfire, perform first aid and much more. It was run like a semi- uniformed group CCA, and all the uniformed groups' students and school counsellors and peer helpers wanted to be in it? And this jellyfish made it through. Somehow. HAHA. My uniformed groups' friends were furious when they realised I was selected to participate. I remember what they said that day, "Why is someone like you selected?!". I suppose to them, I was undisciplined, a rebel and totally lacking as a 'leader'. Not suitable, but I made it. Only one in three were selected and I made it in. Only the very best of each CCA (I was sent by AV, part of a ballot, the sheer blasphemy I know), and I made it in. Sure, I wasn't highly ranked. Sure, I was not in the most fantastic department. But I made it in, and I know so many who were in shock that I managed to get in, both my seniors, peers and juniors. Too bad~ I think I did pretty well? My juniors liked me, the group I was in charge of did well, everything was fine and dandy. And yes. I learnt that destroying stereotypes and building your own path could be fun. I learnt that yelling at people would not necessary get them to work. And more than that, I learnt that hierarchy was just a paper leash. I was just going in the same direction that I was guided upon.

Something made me sign up for Chinese Dance in junior college and I was so busy I had no time to join anything else. I have no prior dance experience and I somehow made it through the audition. And I made it into the performing team for the Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging. Maybe it was my natural flexibility, maybe the dance teacher liked my face or I was just super lucky. Of course it was hard work. During peak performance periods, such as Chinese New Year, College Day, National Day and other competitions and performances, we had dance sessions near 6 times a week, Monday to Saturday, and each session was a minimum of three hours. I had zero dance experience, and I somehow survived all these. Every dance was me starting at zero and working my way up. Sheer hard work. I needed to build my foundations from scratch where others had been dancing since they were three years old. Definitely at a disadvantage. And I made it. And some of my friends and juniors only found out when I graduated that I had no dance experience. I know one senior was in shock when she found out while we were talking during stretching exercises. Its like someone with no music background joining band. Like me joining band. HURHUR. So I established that with hard work and a wee bit of talent, you can achieve what others take for granted. If you do your research and throw yourself into learning, you can do anything you want to. I learn stage make up, and found out how much effort goes into that 6 minutes of glamour on the stage. I moved from backstage to centre stage. In dance, no matter how great you were, unless you were dancing a solo, the moment anyone made a mistake, you had to repeat the entire thing again. I learnt to talk with my eyes, my face, my hands, my gestures and my body. I learnt to plaster a smile on my face even when I was giddy with exhaustion and creating more bruises with every time I knelt on the floor in a performance.

And now in university? Cheerleading. As a base. None of the glamour in the air, but hard work on the ground doing tossing, catching, spotting. I'm collecting bruises at a rate where they increase faster than they heal. I've had knee problems, wrist problems, sprains, bleeding lips, cuts on my face... What are a few bruises? No pom-poms, just plenty of sweat and muscle aches. I've watched my peers quit one by one. I've seen new people join for the pseudo social status and perks and misconceived preconception that it was about looking pretty. And when they see how much work it is, they leave, disappointed it isn't as easy as they thought it would be. Too bad~

I guess I've learnt that hard work plays an important role. And that luck is necessary too. Sometimes, I really think luck is a skill as well because things don't come easily without luck. Not that they come easily even with luck, as you need to invest a measure of effort. The main idea is that you really need some luck or you'd get nothing. Luck makes things happen and gives you the result you desire. If you don't have luck, you'd be fighting against the tide and just get swept away to the open sea, further and further away from land and salvation. I know this isn't the clearest paragraph I have ever typed, but yes, it is supposed to be this way and I'm also sleepy and tired and fighting to keep awake. So I shall end this here rather prematurely.

I will keep fighting. I will keep hoping. I will keep trying. I will keep going. I cannot live in a world where I have nothing to strive for. I cannot live in a world where I am a failure. I cannot live in a world where every breath I take is a reminder of how useless I am. I will motivate myself to persevere. This is not the end of the road, not by a long shot.

"I hate rejection."

Disappear

Playlist

Beautiful Hangover by BIG BANG

Its Week 10 in my school and I have every intention of running away and never coming back. From my school work. From my CCA. From my friends. From everything and everyone and anything and anyone. I think some of you are beginning to feel it. You barely see me around. You hardly see me online. I'm not that responsive when you SMS or MSN me. I'm content not to say anything. I'm constantly listening to music. In short, its as if my body is around somewhere and my mind is 30,000 leagues under the sea. Which is true in a way. I need to get away.

I wonder what would happen if I was to disappear? How long would it take before anyone noticed that I was no longer around? How long would it take people to look for me? How long would it take for people to know why I disappeared? I think my school mates will never notice. They would just wonder where I am and say that they've yet to see me for a while, but to actually realise that I was gone and search me out? I think it would never happen. At most they'd go around and say that I'm a heartless gal for not looking for them, but I don't expect them to start hunting high and low for me. Just not done. We've no real connection anyway. Closer friends would think that I was busy with school work and wait for me to look for them. And they will wait. And wait. And if I still donot contact them, they will think I've gotten bored with them and moved on. They'd just move on and somethimes will wonder what I'm doing. I think that is about it. In a relationship, I'm always the more proactive party. So if I was to disappear? I think the relationship would just come crashing down. I have no expectations of the people I hang around with. It would take a minor miracle for them to seek me out and ask me out for a day of revelry. I have to be the one arranging everything. Its either me arranging, or we can all live on in the shell that is our commute between school and home or work and home. Nothing would happen. Everything built would just be eroded by time and they wouldn't bother to upkeep and do any maintenance.

Depressing thoughts for depressing times. People always tell me that they are busy, but I refuse to accept this excuse. You can always make time. Its just what you think is important to you. If FaceBook is important you would be on Facebook every waking hour, even though it reduces your productiveity by about half? Its all a matter of perspective and your priorities. How long does it take to write me a note? How long does it take to send a SMS? How long does it take to type me an email? Oh well. I'm tired of coercing people to give me their time and attention. I'm tired of just giving in a relationship. I'm tired of always being the one who has to entertain all the time. I'm not a freaking clown. When I screw up people get annoyed with me, when all I am doing is trying to make you happy. And If I don't do it, they think I'm throwing a tantrum. Surface acting all the way. What is the point of having friends if their company leaves you feeling bitter? 

Sleepy. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep everyday, which is a bit less than decent but still alright. Nevertheless I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day. I wonder why. Something not quite right with my current state. It might be because none of my final projects are finalised. It might be because I need to make a solo presentation next Thursday and I have absolutely no idea of what to speak on. I have no real passion. Inside I'm all cold and dead, and my presentation needs to be a kind of change that I am passionate about. The hardest thing on earth is talking about something you cannot understand. I don't understand true passion. I understand habits. I understand routine. I understand psychology. I understand everything on a very clinical level though. Its really hard to feel. Because somewhere along the way. My heart gave up.

"The things that don't hurt you are the things that we take for granted."

Face

Playlist

REDRUM by VAMPS

Sometimes, I get really annoyed when people assume I am from China. Technically, I am Chinese, but I am Singaporean Chinese. Its like how people from Taiwan or Malaysia or Indonesia are first and foremost a citizen of their country before being Chinese. Not that I dislike Chinese or anything, I really like Chinese culture, but I don't like the stereotypes that come attached. I have a very oriental face, and everyone immediately assumes I'm from the mainland and some country bumpkin at that.

To begin with, it is hardly fair to stereotype everyone from a certain country, and as someone who suffers from it? I can tell you that its is very unpleasant. I have people who never speak to me in any language other than Mandarin, even though they are struggling to construct a coherent sentence. Its only after I ask why they keep trying to speak chopped Mandarin to me, in English, that they realise I can actually understand them in English. And the look on their faces is one of embarrassment desperately hidden under a sheepish laugh. But what about those who do not commit language faux pas that needs correcting? I've found out from my seniors that for 3 months, where they saw me 3 times a week, they were convinced I was not worth working with because I was from China, and they were speculating why a foreign student would want to join the team. When I found out, I gave my most normal smile and told them I wasn't Chinese (meaning from China), but I was an Inuit on exchange because I wanted to see durian trees instead of polar bears.

The people who are biased against me will probably never read this, but I LOVE MY FACE. I love my single eyelids that allow me to spam eyeliner. I love my button nose that isn't broken as easily because of my low nose bridge. I love my cheeks that I can easily puff up to look like a chinchilla to make my friends laugh when they are upset. Sure, I like double eyelids, sharper noses and high cheekbones? But what does it do for me? Easier to apply make up, more photogenic... Less teasing? I'm not even sure of the last part. Grating on my nerves to suffer such indignation but I think I'm not change anything anytime soon.

And on the topic of countries and assumptions and nerves, another ridiculous thing I encounter is the mistaken belief that learning a language for near 2 years will give you mastery over it. The flip side is similarly annoying, where they think they know some phrase and keep using it, and try to show off to you. Unless that person is a freaking GENIUS, I don't think this is even remotely possible to master a language in 2 years. The good ones can achieve a decent level of proficiency. The normal people, like me, are able to read basic words, say basic GRAMMATICAL sentences, and can understand a decent amount of conversation. So please stop asking me things like, "What does Sakae/ Ichiban/ Sushi Tei/ Hanabi/ etc mean? Why do they call it that?" Its a NAME of a restaurant, how the hell will I know why they chose it? So superby annoying. And I abhor people who, somehow somewhere, picked up a Japanese phrase and insist that it means something it doesn't and that I'm wrong. EXCUSE ME. "Ittadakimasu" is used as a greeting before eating, NOT ON THE PHONE. You don't go, " Ittadakimasu, Lee desu." Say that on the phone and I will laugh my lungs out. Honest.

When will people stop being so arrogant? A bit of knowledge and they are oh-so-eager to show off. Its like saying you know everything about the ocean from your primary school science textbook. There is so much more than meets the eye. Scraping the bottom of the barrel and claiming to understand everything on top. There is so much I do not know, and I'm not afraid of acknowledging this weakness. Weaknesses are to be overcome, strengths are to be maintained. Life's like this. And you cannot improve unless you admit that you are weak in a certain area and willing to learn. So frustrating. Not like I'm willing to teach such irritating people anyway. I'd rather help those who are willing to help themselves. Rather than those who are just asking for the sake of asking. I shall just smile and give them a cursory answer to keep them out of my socks.

Killer week is approaching. Let's just say I am beginning to regret the decision I made 8 weeks ago. Oh well. What can I do? Make the best of the situation and hope its satisfactory. No, I am not fatalistic. I'm just pragmatically trying to reduce my tears and pain.

"Sneaking out of my cage, I'm gonna play more!"

Catch

Playlist

Dress by BUCK-TICK

First week back in school after a pseudo one week break where I was in school every single day except Wednesday. All my mid terms are over, so unless there is a pop quiz, I won't be completing another test until November when its the finals. Some of the Mid Term class participation grades have been released, and I seriously need to buck up. I'm in the bottom half of the class, and I need to improve or my GPA will suffer this semester. I really really want to go on exchange to Waseda, so I need to work harder. Yeah, I was stupid to take 5.5 modules this semester when my internship and exchange rests on this semester's results. Nevertheless its a bit useless and late to cry over spilt milk, so all I can do is let the cat drink the milk? In short I'm going to go all out to make sure that I make the best of the situation. Yeah, the power of positive thinking.

Kinda stressed out. Blogging to keep my mood in check. I will probably become slightly more depressed after this entire post is over, but its okay. I need a wake up call. No more mucking about trying to pass time and minimise the suffering. I ought to hit the books, make sure my projects are all A grade worthy and ACE THIS FREAKING SEMESTER. A lot of future tense I know, but I think it is obvious I am trying to psych myself up to make the best out of this semester. I don't have much time left, so optimisation is key. I can hear the desperation and despair creeping in. Sigh.

I wonder if its me being sensitive or its that its happening more frequently. I have this nagging suspicion that its happening more frequently. I may be overreacting an exaggerating a wee bit, but I think a large portion can be attributed to a greater occurrence of annoyances. Maybe its the people I'm hanging out with nowadays. Not my old friends from school, but people I've met within this year. And they don't know me at all. All they see is what I choose to show them in my school persona, and they arrive at ridiculous conclusions from the small amount of time I've spent with them. Really silly but if there's one thing that I have come to realise, it is often the little things that make life hellish. The little insidious comments. The negative rumours and demeaning stereotypes. The things whispered amongst their clique when you're not around, and the acronyms to hide the identity of the person when its already an open secret. Sigh. Politics. Gossip. Jealousy. Viciousness. And that dash of ego and streak of meanness. People.

Blasting music is therapeutic. Studying in school is a necessity. Eating less is probably better for my health. Exercising is good for my self esteem. One day I hope to be free of constraints.

"Like the wind, like the clouds, like the starts, like the moon..."

Flaw

Playlist

Strange by Kerli

I believe there is kismet. And I think I should stop listening to sad songs when I'm in a bad mood. It only serves to amplify the anger and sadness I feel into epic proportions. I need to listen to something like REVOLUTION. Or Brilliant Snow. Something more upbeat and positive. All my playlist is giving me is stuff like Strange, Raison D'Etre and other sad stuff. I need to create mood playlists instead of just shuffling everything.

Was in a bad mood at first, but I think I'm feeling better. I was not consciously aware about why I was in a bad mood? Think it is a side effect of all the Literature classes that I paid attention in. All the books I read and had intense reflection about. Too reflective for my own good. Creating my own self fulfilling prophecies. And I hasten my demise as I start on my downward spiral of negativity and pain. Sighs. The problem with people like me. You live each moment so intensely that its a pain. Happiness is so rich that you get dizzy. Sadness so heart wrenching that your tears never end. Anger so blood churning you act and don't remember a thing, only to see the aftermath. And when you are depressed? You can feel yourself sinking to a place beyond darkness. The higher you go, the harder you fall. And if you work at it, the higher you bounce back too. Not that this way of life is recommended. You go a wee bit nuts after a while. Human kind isn't built for these extreme mood changes. I think your brain goes a bit kooky from all the sudden hormonal differences.

I observe I'm at that age where everyone starts asking about whether I'm in an relationship? I understand that these friends and relatives mean well, what with wanting me out of the house and clearing the fridge less often and dealing with less of my idiosyncrasies... But most unfortunately, the answer is no. In fact, I think I will be a HORRIBLE girlfriend. So I am in no real hurry to get attached? Not that I am likely to, with me being slightly insane, super dramatic and lazy. Not the type that people are generally attracted to. I know, and I'm okay with this? In some crazy, obscure, lazy and frightening way, I actually want to grow old with a few cats in a rickety chair? But of course there is this part that gets a wee bit lonely and all, but its quickly engulfed in the hassles of day to day living. I really don't have the spare brain capacity to WORRY about this. Just passing thoughts in the ocean of my mind. I guess at some point or another you realise you'll never be Number One to anyone and its alright to just be one of the crowd. There's no one I really like anyway? Not inclusive of my shrine and all the random stuff in my room that stares back at me. (You should know what i mean HAHA). Knowing me, if I really liked someone I would pounce on them and NEVER let them go? HAHA. Not so viscerally, but yeah. Those who know me well will understand. Sink thy claws and hope to draw blood.

Is my blog too lengthy? A friend mentioned that reading my blog is like crawling through an essay. And apparently, she has bad memories of essays. I would make it shorter, except that I think I will have 5 shorts posts to replace this one longer post. Ridiculous, so the length will remain unless many have difficulty? Something along the lines of the train of thought, and since I can sit in front of the screen for nearly an hour to compose this, spending 10 minutes to read this should not be a huge problem? Yes, it is not effortless to type a post of this length, contrary to popular belief. 4 paragraphs of text do not just automatically type itself, no matter what you might have been led to believe. If you don't have the patience to read this you can always saunter over to my Tumblr. I assure you that everything there is short. And for those who need pictures and videos to be pictorially and kinaesthetically stimulated, there are plenty of those there too. I try not to type for more than 5 minutes for my Tumblr. Those on Tumblr tend to have a shorter attention span (of course this is an unfounded, completely biased personal opinion); something lengthy would kill their brain cells I believe. So yes. This blog will remain wordy. HAHA.

 

"Without flaws, I would be boring."

Recess

Playlist

Roulette by TETSUYA

2 months since I finally had some time all to myself. No books. No laptop. No mugging and pouring over half understood notes. Life is good. Went to trim my hair. Most of the dry ends are gone and I'm a happy girl that it looks way less like STRAW and DRIED GRASS. HAHA. After that had my long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Was going to wear the dress I bought in Hong Kong, but was irritated to realise that the material was thinner than expected. My monochrome theme turned into a denim theme. Oh well. Met at Wisma's food court and I had three bowls of mango pomelove sago. 3 bowls. Not fantastic, but I was in a mango mood so it was fine. Went over to Far East after that. Its been a long long time since I went there. Bought a pair of shorts from the stall I got my leather jacket from. The uncle is a fantastic sales person, and he totally knows what to recommend. Its really hard for me to buy shorts because of my bottom heavy body shape, but he took one look at me and recommended something that I liked and looked good in. After that I got a shirt, 2 belts and we walked around trying formal shoes... It got boring pretty fast even with a break for tea at Han's. I guess Far East really isn't cheap nor special enough for me to keep at it. We went back to Wisma for Famous Amos and to find FaceShop. Apparently every single FaceShop in the whole of Singapore had run out of nail polish remover. Tried 313 Somerset as well to no avail. In the end I gave up and bought remover from Guardian.

Discovered something new about myself yesterday night. It was my grandma's birthday celebration. At Tung Lok Signatures at Central Clarke Quay. The food was decent I suppose, but nothing exceptional. Dessert was good, the service staff were nice, but I think overall was just decent. For the price? I think the money could have been better spent. Not that I am complaining, I had a good time. The thing is, I tried red wine with no allergic reaction! Either I've outgrown it... Or it was something else that I've been reacting to all along. I liked the wine we had. Sweet. I might actually come to like wine? Will upload a few photos on FaceBook when I'm in the mood to do so. Only took pictures of the things that were interesting and/or yummy. Some were the standard Chinese restaurant dishes so I could not be bothered.

Was suppose to go to Yt's birthday, but my grandma's dinner took much too long. The distance was too great for me to conveniently go over. I feel kind of bad? She bothered to call and ask me to go over to her house for her 21st party and I was a no show. The present was with me the whole day, but I think I was too tired to keep at it past 1030pm. The dinner took 3.5 hours, and by the time we went to the bathroom and all? I was leaving the restaurant with my parents at 11pm. Good thing I did not attend, because by the time I got home and showered I was nearly dead on my feet. Went to bed at midnight. Could barely keep my eyes open. I was supposed to talk to Manwi, but my body could barely keep me awake, much less fangirl. Sorry~

Woke up late today. First thing I did was to do research for my project. Seems like my 3 days turned into 1 day. Not that I can do anything. Friday was spent making my assignment better. Sunday was already used to research for my BP project. The start of my To-Do List:

1) Catch up with MA homework (I'm only at Week3)

2) Revise for MA test next Monday

3) Research MA project

4) Interview my Dad for MPW

5) BP business plan

6) Revise Ethics

7) MC speech idea

Those are the school work related stuff. Below are other things that I need to do:

1) Sew Medusa beads

2) Spray props

3) Collect Sakuya (look for Sakuya's shoes)

4) Research locations for Medusa

5) Prepare for KL trip

I look at this and I feel stressed. Sigh. Why is it that the older I get, the more I feel like time is always running out?

"Run run run away... Run til you can touch the sky with your hands... Run til you get your dreams..."

Grass

Playlist

cosmetic by SID

YES! FREEDOM!

I think school is great because it teaches you to appreciate the rare off days that you don't have any work due. No classes. No need to go to school. No assignments due in the next 3 days. No readings to be done in the next 4 days. No projects due in the next 5 days. Its a kind of paradise after the hectic mess that was Week 6 and 7, what with me falling ill with flu AND food poisoning. There were presentations, tests, classes, assignments due... All over until another week. Recess week is for stocking up on sleep, buying time and trying to prevent fires instead of the usual fire fighting. After 2 semesters in school, I already know that time will pass way to fast during recess and I'll soon be running in my school life cycle treadmill again. Nevertheless, its good to be able to sleep well knowing that you don't have to run after the bus and chase elusive deadlines and trudge your sorry way to school come rain or shine or flooding.

I need to cut my hair. The ends look like dried grass. Brown. And dry. Dried grass. Its kinda kinky as well because of all the knots I've gotten into it. My hair is rebonded, so any knots in my hair are stuck permanently as kinks. Only way to remove kinks is to cut. And I really do want to cut. Its at a length that it keeps getting caught with my bag, that I accidentally pull it when I wake up in the morning, that I accidentally slap people behind me when I turn my head, that is super heavy when wet, that some idiots can easily grab and mess up (as if they are still in primary school), that take forever for me to wash in the shower... I think its quite obvious that it is starting to get on my nerves. I have very little patience for the inconveniences of life. And my hair is doing nothing but adding to it. I need it long to finish up my photoshoot, but the way its growing out and the way its annoying me? If my mood hits and I'm not careful I'm just going to hack it off. I can imagine the headache its going to cause, so I think I'm just going to trim it a wee bit before it gets out of hand. Maybe tomorrow. Just a bit shorter. Give my neck a bit of a rest.

So many things happening over the next few days. Long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Birthday party of my granny and a friend. I want to start on my costume. Spray painting. Anything and everything but hitting the books. I need a break and I'm going to give myself the break. Of course I'm going to sleep more too. My poor body has not have the time to rest and recuperate. This gal needs about an average of 8 hours to be happy. Anything less than that and all the symptoms of stress starts to accumulate. Sure I still function fine, just that I am not at my peak? Needs rest. Rest~

Oh yeah. There was someone who seriously pissed me off. Lets call this person A for the sake of protecting those who are still nice and kind and innocent and unaware of the stinking bitch she is. I mean, she's not the kind of person that those will use the 5 letter word to describe, but she really is one. Underneath that cute-sy and slightly blur facade is one conniving hell of a pest. I don't usually defame people on my blog to such an extent, so she really is something for me to just go all out. She doesn't read this blog, and has never known about this blog and is likely to NEVER get to know about this from me. I used to think she was okay. Used to be okay with her. But the more I see how she does things, I can't help but think she's really a super BITCH. The things she says of others smacks of hypocrisy. Jealous, possessive, two-faced, rude, unkind... She's really smart and nice to the people she likes, so most don't realise what a horrible person she is. She's nice to me so far, but the way she is constantly complaining about others and bitching about them makes me seriously wonder about the awful things she might be saying behind my back. I'm not her best friend. She's not my best friend. We've known each other for barely a year. We've hardly worked together. And yet all the stuff she tells me about others are bordering on private. I wouldn't tell a mere acquaintance about intimate details in a friend's relationship. I wouldn't ask for special favours from an acquaintance. Its almost shameless how she tries to make use of others, and thinks I'll just go along with her. And everyone falls for that girl-next-door smile and happy laugh.

Someone help me find the person I was, the person who believed in righteousness, justice, love and truth. I can't find her anymore. Its not darkness. Its chaos. In the noise and colours and the mess of everyday, where did my true self go?

"Happy Children's Day"