Veil

Playlist

Defying Gravity by Glee Cast

Its mid February! Been a pretty packed month, and yes, I will immediately do my work after this post. No more surfing around on the Internet. I'm already sick and learning ability is impaired so I can't keep deviating unless I want to FAIL Finance mid-terms. Which I do not. So yes.

Time seems to go by really fast? And really slowly at the same time. It is as if the time before suffering is so long drawn and painful, but the moment your suffering ends? The holidays go by too fast for you to notice the hours that you have whiled away. And the time that has passed just seems so... far away. I remember days that seems like a foggy haze of happiness and laughter, and days that are blanketed with smoke to keep me away from the fires of turmoil. I've said this before and I'll say it again, no matter how happy or sad you are, one day it will all be a memory. Even if its the happiest day of your life, or maybe the worst, slowly and surely, the details will first escape you, and soon, all that is left are just moments imprinted. Even so, all too often, we forget all these moments, and our past becomes a blank. A blur. Murky depths where the leviathan lurks.

People often say that I am far too expressive for my own good. Whenever I hear this, the inner me goes crazy laughing. Those who know me well should know how much I always have things that are important and never said. I go around telling people to unabashedly express themselves, because this is something that I've not been able to do for a long time now. I've been wanting to say everything inside, but the stakes are too high. I know, high risk high returns, but this isn't a business venture, where all you lose is material possessions and money. This is a situation where parts of your life is at stake. Relationships are at stake. I can be superbly open to the people who don't matter, because I don't give a damn about what the think or feel about me. They can think I'm selfish, arrogant, lesbian or whatever. It doesn't matter. But to the people I like, I do not wish to hurt you. If I do hurt you, I hurt myself, because the last thing I want, is for you to be hurt. 

I am not a masochist. Nor a sadist. I am so normal I wonder why people even bother with me. I don't think I am attractive, nor unattractive enough to attract attention. Someone once said that the most outstanding thing about me is my personality. I'm not sure if this is a compliment or an insult, so I shall leave it to you to decide. Maybe it is because I am so average that I am outstanding. How many people can claim to be totally average? And then I am sure that some people will feel that I am nowhere near average. Ho-hum.

I don't want to repeat myself again. I find myself sounding like some broken tape recorder or typewriter, spamming the same thing time after time, again and again. Its as if you cannot be bothered to remember. As if you cannot understand. And that is wearing me out. Hopefully this is the last time I say this, because if I have to say this again, I wonder how much nearer I am to the edge.

On a side note, thank you. Thank you for being insistent and stubborn and utterly silly. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for remembering what I like, and making me go along with you. Thank you for letting me realise that happiness isn't about getting everything I want, it is about appreciating the things I have, and aspiring to do better. Not everything I want is important, but I think i can gladly say that everything I have is important to me. Thank you for the great memories. And next year, let's do something together...

"You need to know what you need and how to get it. Its all out there, waiting."