Sinking

Playlist

Don't Stop The Music by 2NE1

I look ahead, and all I see is darkness. Really. Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but too much rests on this ONE day. If things are not satisfactory, we can just stop doing this and all go home. And I would not even have a last stage.

How many times have I truly been in a routine? I think only once. Yeah, there were plenty of unforeseen circumstances which made it such that I am more of an administrative person than a performer. But I love the stage? For the stage, I can work hours every single day, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I complain, deep in my heart, I still go back primarily because I love the stage. So many of them are tired of competing. Maybe its because they always had that expectation weighing down on them, and after a huge failure, going back to where they were becomes a psychological barrier. Personally I am not too sure about what the psychologist and psychology students would say, but I know there is that tension. The sense that whatever you do will never be able to top your achievements during your glory days and thus, you withdraw with nothing but memories. I can understand this.

Yet, no matter how much I tell myself that they have their reasons, I cannot help but feel that they are being a wimp and a coward for running away. Yes, this is not a lifetime commitment, but you've managed to come so far. Why not work a little bit harder and go that bit more to attain excellence? Then again, who am I to dictate how people live their lives? 

I should stop being so emotional. I hate saying goodbye to people. I'd rather people hate me, and I leave first, because I don't want to make people sad that I leave. Which might have been a good reason to go to Waseda. Just leave in 2 weeks and everything is settled. I won't have to deal with all the teething issues. Running away does not solve the problem, but at least you don't have to deal with it... But no. I am far too goody two shoes to ever do that. Far too 'responsible' to ever do what I want to do, instead of what people expect me to do. Far too stupid to aggressive bulldoze my way through. Far too 'innocent' to blackmail people into doing what I want them to do. Sigh. Its too late now anyway. Dreaming for a rock to descend from the sky and knock some sense into them is but a dream that belongs in the realm of sleep...

People always say that they dislike supervisors hovering over them all the time. But the thing is, how many people are responsible enough to perform their tasks without someone hovering over them? Honestly I dislike chasing people for work. I'd like to delegate, and let things go on as per normal. Yet what I realise is that people don't do things unless you remind them every single step of the way, and you hound them every step of the way to get a scrap of work done. Its impossible to take everything on because I am not a superwoman and contrary to popular belief, I do not have 30 hours in a day. I happen to have a social life outside of school as well, unlike the previous presidents, so I need all the help I can get. I delegate work, give a deadline, and expect them, like responible adults, to sort things out on their own. And somehow? It descends into childish bitching and tantrum throwing. Nothing gets done, everyone is annoyed, workload accumulates, stress levels rise and KABOOM. Trouble.

If you feel thta this post has been nothing but downright depresisng, I sincerely apologise. I guess this is more of a phase of resignation rather than depression, because while I do feel slightly sad, it is something that I have accepted as the reality I need to face and am taking measures to deal with it. I wonder why I am so emotionally attached to my club, but I suppose I will just do my own thing and in the worst case scenario? Join another club. I have another club waiting for me, and even though it seems pretty unstable at the moment, I think it might be an interesting experience. Cheerleading is great, but we can do anything if three quarters of the members will leave by December. If the turn out is bad... well, it might just be the signal to leave this crumbling ship and seek another ride for the next few years.

"The first, and ultimate, sign of maturity, is knowing who you are."