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Somebody Else by Se7en

Never really a Se7en fan, but this song is pretty decent? Not one of the songs that you quickly forget after a while but those that stick in your head and sometimes pops out to annoy you. One of those. Which is good, because Se7en really needs something to boost his career. I'm all for good music in the world, because I believe everyone needs something to listen to when they are in one of those moods...

Technically, its the Lunar New Year season, which only goes to show how very long it has been since I last posted. I think it might be due to my pretty packed schedule. 4 modules, Nationals and a part time job is no joke. I know I was asking for it, so I am not complaining per se? Just a bit tired, and feeling sad that I no longer have the time to write lengthy posts to tell everyone more about my life. Not that there are that many people reading, but still... I like writing. Was just playing with the idea of posts in Chinese. Ok, maybe that is a wee bit ambitious, so maybe a paragraph at a time? Until I am certain that I can type coherent sentences in Chinese. Correction, coherent sentences that don't read like a 10 year old wrote it. Yeah. Aiming for that. Let's hope I am not biting off more than I can possibly chew.

最近又变得一点累了。总是在做相同的东西，日子过得相当难过。水母般的飘浮虽看起来蛮自由自在，但长久以来可是非常累人的。没有停息的地方是件相当痛苦的事。可能因为这样，自己好像喜欢上了不应该喜欢的人。明明知道他有多损却依然喜欢上他的我，感觉上可比他笨很多。已经认识了一段时间。从有女朋友到单身又有女朋友到又单身到又一次有女朋友而现在单身，这整段时间都一直有种认识。觉得他身材不错，人也蛮聪明，肯用功努力，就是他的态度遭透了。一个星期内可以跟两三个不同的女生搞关系， 吸烟喝酒的量度也有点恐怖。 很极端的人儿，认识我的人应该知道他是谁吧，而他也不是我一般上喜欢的菜色。所以我觉得我这辈子应该永远不会有什么进展？ 两个人实在是有太大的差别了。他也曾经说过，他喜欢我的原因是我永远不会被他的花言巧语给骗了，而我是他唯一能单纯的只有友情关系的女性朋友。这样的关系害我现在觉得有点困惑。我不知道自己是因为太闷了而对坏男生感兴趣，还是就是喜欢他？没有答案的问题。

That was not too difficult? Although I am certain that one day in the future, I am going to look back and laugh at my horrid Chinese. Not bad for someone who has not been writing anything in Chinese for the past few years. Excuses, and I'll work harder at this. No matter how many mean jokes about how I look like a country bumpkin from rural China that I get, I want to make sure that no one will ever feel that my language abilities are pathetic. It makes me mad and angry when they tease me, but I'm going to work at it. My appearance is not a reason for me to avoid the language. Never gonna be able to run away from this part, so I might as well make the best of everything. Being able to passively read is fun, but I want to be more actively engaged. Surrounding myself in English is easy, and life isn't exciting if its too easy. So as per my usual style, I'm gonna ramp things up and push myself to the limit. Until the day that I can't go anymore, I want to live a life that makes me feel proud of myself for doing things that seemed impossible. I want to be able to laugh at my previous fears of inadequacy and hug my new self with confidence.

In some strange way, I know that I will never be able to find someone who loves me as much as I love myself. If I did, maybe the way I see the world will change, but until that day comes, I think I will do all I can to be someone that I will always be able to be proud of. I want to never hesitate when asked if I love myself. I want to always be able to love myself for all my idiosyncrasies and quirks. I want to be able to be happy being me.

"This is not a payback. This is my return."