Paralysis

Playlist

Cough Syrup by Glee

Everywhere hurts. Breathing hurts. If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away to a fortune that I should have found by now. Groping in the darkness when everyone else can see the light. Self doubt. Self loathing. I have these in bucketfuls. Searching for an answer that isn't evident. Relegated to a corner to watch everyone enjoy their lives. Dark days ahead and I cannot seem to find a way out of this.

Waiting for September. Wanting to get away so badly. Never knew I had such a strong escapist streak in me. I cannot stay home. I do not want to go out. I need to find a place to rest. Constant state of panic. Losing my mind. Breaking apart from the inside and the best part is that the cracks aren't even obvious to most people. Remnants of my pride stop me from asking for help. Some part of me would rather die than to seem weak. But I am weak, and so many people know this. But there is no way I could ever ask for help. 

Do I need a counsellor? I have no idea. When did this start? How bad is my emotional state? How about I tell you that I cannot remember the last time I laughed? Lonely. Scared. And far too proud to do something that could shatter this façade. Why is it that no one seems to understand? Am I the only one who stares at the ceiling at night and cry because she wishes that she would never wake up again? 

No gets to kill myself, no nerve to do something to improve the situation. Falling and even though you know the situation is steadily deteriorating, you're afraid of hurting yourself more if you reached out to grab at something. You're afraid you can't grab hold of anything. You're afraid that even if you were able to grab something, it wouldn't help. Fear everywhere. Paralysis.

How sad it is that I seek affirmation from a fortune cookie application. I want someone, something, somehow, to make things right again. Restore things to how they were before. Wishful thinking? Stuck in a rut and I cannot escape. Not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Best part is that this is me being normal. No hormones to combat, no drama in my life to unravel. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. Shall I douse myself in alcohol? Shall I run until I crash from sheer exhaustion? Insecure. Demons in my head nipping at my heels. 

Head in a whirl. No where to go. Regrets like bitter ashes. Mistakes you don't know you made all back to haunt you. People you never want to see again tumbling out of the woodwork. Pain. Everything hurts. Emotional pain into physical pain and physical pain adds to the emotional pain. Where are we going? Circular. Cannot get out. Mood? State of mind. Perspectives change and people leave. Loveless. Heartless. Wishing I was a void. Sleepless nights and fitful nights and nights that never seem to end. And sometimes I hope morning never comes. One more time. Keep going. Nowhere to run. Run.

"A dark world aches for a splash of the sun."

Request

Playlist

Glad You Came by Glee Cast (Warblers)

Feeling a bit depressed again recently. The problem of finding my role in life never did went away, and now its back in full force to bludgeon me for not working harder to find a place that I can belong. Its really painful, because I recently feel too insecure to be able to survive on my own. I need a larger purpose. Breathing, eating and sleeping has ceased to be sufficient motivation to wake up in the morning.What I am scared of is the day I decide it's been too long since I had a goal... And I just give up on everything. If I'm like this when I'm drifting, I wonder what I will be like when I'm devastated. Maybe its a good thing I've always found something to cling on to at the final moment. This is me praying that a similar minor miracle occurs once more. And every single time when I'm looking for somewhere to go.

Application for exchange and Nationals is coming up again. Application is horrible, because I need to get a professor to write me a reference letter. Sounds easy enough for most of the human population in a university, but if there is one thing that I am most horrid at, it is asking for favours. Especially favours that I cannot repay. And asking for a reference letter lands smack into this category. I mean, how in the world do I convince someone to write me a reference if there is nothing in it for them? And it is not as if I have done a lot for that professor that they should write for me? And this just drives home my feelings of inadequacy and makes me feel like a stupid idiot for even hoping that people will bother about me. Every day that I do not get a response is like... Being stabbed. Every time I check my inbox, there is a sense of fear, because every moment that I do not see a response is further confirmation that I am nothing but chopped liver to these people. And I cannot avoid this, because it is a prerequisite. The rapidly approaching deadline makes me wince in despair. Its never good to know that you're not loved. I am such a failure as a student.

The only thing that I would proudly boast as my strength would be my ability to organise my life such that, even when I'm drifting, I have something to keep me going. Not that these are good substitutes for knowing what I should do, but at least I've a way to keep progressing. I cannot really turn to anyone for help, because this is a problem that I need to resolve on my own if I want to grow up. I cannot rely on others to resolve my issues, much like how I cannot do away with problems for others. There are some battles that can only be fought on my own, and I think this is one of them.

一片昏乱。 完全不知道自己在干嘛，不知道我要的是什么。总而言之就是人生乱得无法自拔。有能救我的人吗？若现在能遇到你，感激不尽。

Fighting a losing war with myself. Being depressed is horrid. Sigh.

"Request for assistance."

Overshare

Playlist

Episode 0 by Gackt

Earworm was originally Adele, so I decided that I should change it to something less evidently emo and listen to something more... Inspirational. Not exactly the most encouraging song, but Gackt is always worth 4 minutes of my life. 

Feeling a bit depressed. Might be due to the fact that my period is coming (yes I am oversharing), and I am hungry (still slightly oversharing), and I feel like I am barely well-regarded by the people around me. And no, I have been feeling this way for a couple of days. I will admit that up to about 20% of this negativity might be due to my hormonal imbalance, but I honestly doubt all of it is unwarranted.

I am quite tired of being the security blanket. A stupid role to play, because all you ever get are the unbearably depressing collection of stories from everyone. I'm not the girl people go to if they want a party. I'm not the girl people go to if they want to share happiness. I'm the one they go to when their world is a-crashing and they need to offload angst and depression. I'm the one who offers hugs and tissues. I'm the one people discuss existential questions with. I'm the one who gives support and encouragement when people are lost and weary... 

Three simple reasons why I'm irritated:

1) One person is fine. Two people, still manageable. But when virtually ALL my friends use me as a touchstone? Hello, you people hardly ever share with me ANY good news. I only know about your boyfriend when you're about to break up. I only know what classes you take when you start complaining. I only know where you work when you tell me how your boss is an ass. What am I? An emotional dustbin? Can't you ever share anything happy? Oh wait, my name is synonymous with 'personal counsellor'.

2) Who the fuck listens to me when I'm falling apart? Who the shit hugs me and doesn't judge when I'm ranting? Who in hell has been my pillar of support? I'll tell you who, MYSELF. Whenever I'm crumbling, people around me run like the plague is upon them. You people make that face betrays what's in your head, you saying "OMG why the hell is she crying can she stop I don't know what to do GETAWAY GETAWAY!". I'm human, I'm fallible. I'm useless if I can't stand on my own? Let's see you stand on your own. Every single time. I feel sad, I hug Pooh and cry to sleep. I feel angry, I plaster a smile to my face and spend all my energy flouncing around. I feel lonely, I read until my eyes can't keep open and fall asleep. Does this sound like the lifestyle of a happy person?

3) People say I'm cruel. Me? Cruel? Excuse me, who called and spoke to you on the phone for 2 hours when you wanted to kill yourself? Who is always the first person to send an encouraging SMS? Who follows up after every upsetting incident and always pushes you forward? Ungrateful brats.

I think it is plenty obvious that I am tired of being Aunt Agony. I'm not paid. No one ever pays back the favour. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't have a chalkboard in my head to keep score. I know how many times I've done special things just to make you happier. I know how many times I've played counsellor. And I know how many times you've stabbed me, over and over again, the very moment you feel slightly better. Too many times. The people who I owe favours number on one hand, and my family makes up the bulk of it. The people reading this? As long as you're a friend, you're super likely to owe me big time. I dare you to ask me how huge your debt is. Ask me, and brace for my smirk as I tell you you'd probably never pay it back. Because its become such that I won't show my weaknesses to people again. 

So yeah, I'd grind salt into wounds, because I'm in pain, and there's no way I can get out of it. Hurt all over and healed badly such that I'm not capable of not being mean to people who matter anymore. Which is expected, because the people who matter to me are the very same people who make use of me when I'm hurt and toss me in a corner when they're fine. I am not a first aid kit.

最近一直有着搬出去住的念头。可能是六月自己在日本呆的那段日子实在太棒了？自由的活着，偶尔与亲戚朋友沟通，每天过得非常愉快。没有实现别人的愿望的压力，不必为他人着想， 活在自己步伐的日子真的蛮轻松蛮舒服。在日本玩得太痛快，回来变得无精打采，稍微不习惯这里的日常生活方式。很想回去。一定会想办法回去。而可能性以外的还蛮高的。我不多说了，锁定了才透漏。这样才能过得比较精彩吗。有点臭屁吧？不管了，这是我的人生，就由我决定方向。

I'll find my way to live my life. Without you if its not fated to be. I'll do the things I want, at my pace. After all, since no one will love me the way I need to be love, I might as well love myself and ignore the people who won't. Why waste my life away in sorrow?

"この両手で守り切るには/裏切る言葉が多過ぎて/いつぞや 見た愛を信じ/刹那を生き抜きたい"

Grin

Playlist

Its Not Unusual by Glee Cast

Almost Valentine's Day. And I started thinking about my relationships with he various people in my life. It started with the people who are the most distant from me, and why I'm still happily single at this stage in my life. Went on to my distant friends, and I thought about how they became these near strangers. Close friends next, and I was wondering how and why I've kept up the relationship. Family was the last, and the only overarching feeling I have is of immense gratitude to my parents for always being there to make fun of me and feed me milk with cereal.

 Introspection leads to very depressing thoughts. Which is why I try hard to work myself to the extent that I don't have excess brain power to process philosophical thoughts above self worth and all that jazz. Even if I do, I try to blog it out to work it out of my system so I don't start deflating. Someone asked me why I always try so hard to be happy. I will admit the first thing that went through my head was " Are you daft? Why the hell wouldn't you try to be happy?!" Obviously it was not so eloquent and polite, but... Yeah you get the idea. I asked her why, and she told me she just accepts the fact that life isn't always happy and just accepts that her mood is so. That she is usually in a 'neutral' mood, and rarely happy or unhappy. And that she lives life like this every day and thinks that its how life is... Makes me pity her. 

Thing is, I understand. I really do understand what it is that she means. I used to think that accepting what life is like was the mark of someone that is mature and, although a bit depressing, something that I should work towards. After a while, however, I think I've moved towards a state of mind where I think we need to know when to give up and when to fight on. And happiness is something that I believe is worth fighting for. I don't want to regret living in this world, and I especially don't want to look back and think that I could have chosen to spent my days in a more enjoyable manner.

努力的跟自己奋斗着。不想败给烦恼，不想输给不安。变勇敢并不容易，变坚强更困难。偶尔会觉得趋弱的自己超讨厌，丑透了。可是这也是我的一部分，而懂得爱自己的弱点是学自爱的条件之一。想的太多与想的太少的人正在自讨苦吃，但怎能想得恰当呢？怎能让自己更有自信更喜欢自己？有过痛苦想爱自己却无法成功的经验，也有不明白为何不会自爱的时候。唉，做人好辛苦。下辈子当个无大脑而不知感情的水母算了。

Trying hard to exercise more often. Running, cheer and just more static exercises to increase my strength. For Nationals? For fitness? For my reputation? Strong is the new sexy and all? Not really, but I think I am tired of feeling weak. And I tend to work out more when I feel insecure? I dress better too, and worry about my hair and skin and everything. Its always super obvious when I feel horrid, because I try very hard to keep a smile on my face and dress to impress. Some people say this is my 'vain' tendencies emerging, but I call it armouring myself. Life is cruel, society is vicious, and I need all the protection I can get. Look neat, look sharp, look gorgeous so that people will be intimidated and avoid messing around with you. Cultivate an aura of glamourous inaccessibility so that you won't get hurt when people leave you and choose others over you. Smile, wave, make small talk, give cold hugs. Be chirpy, energetic, enthusiastic, and absolutely friendly. In short, toss all your insecurities out of the window and schmooze. And inside, its a cold, hard, unfeeling place. Your world spins, you barely feel your fingers, and your inner monologue is nothing like whatever is tumbling out of your mouth. Feeling lonely? Crying inside? Need a hug? Shut that part down. No emotions here! Grin and bear it babe, because life is tough and the weak becomes roadkill and dinner for the strong.

"And high up above or down below/ When you're too in love to let it go/ But if you never try you'll never know/ Just what you're worth"