Grin

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Its Not Unusual by Glee Cast

Almost Valentine's Day. And I started thinking about my relationships with he various people in my life. It started with the people who are the most distant from me, and why I'm still happily single at this stage in my life. Went on to my distant friends, and I thought about how they became these near strangers. Close friends next, and I was wondering how and why I've kept up the relationship. Family was the last, and the only overarching feeling I have is of immense gratitude to my parents for always being there to make fun of me and feed me milk with cereal.

 Introspection leads to very depressing thoughts. Which is why I try hard to work myself to the extent that I don't have excess brain power to process philosophical thoughts above self worth and all that jazz. Even if I do, I try to blog it out to work it out of my system so I don't start deflating. Someone asked me why I always try so hard to be happy. I will admit the first thing that went through my head was " Are you daft? Why the hell wouldn't you try to be happy?!" Obviously it was not so eloquent and polite, but... Yeah you get the idea. I asked her why, and she told me she just accepts the fact that life isn't always happy and just accepts that her mood is so. That she is usually in a 'neutral' mood, and rarely happy or unhappy. And that she lives life like this every day and thinks that its how life is... Makes me pity her. 

Thing is, I understand. I really do understand what it is that she means. I used to think that accepting what life is like was the mark of someone that is mature and, although a bit depressing, something that I should work towards. After a while, however, I think I've moved towards a state of mind where I think we need to know when to give up and when to fight on. And happiness is something that I believe is worth fighting for. I don't want to regret living in this world, and I especially don't want to look back and think that I could have chosen to spent my days in a more enjoyable manner.

努力的跟自己奋斗着。不想败给烦恼，不想输给不安。变勇敢并不容易，变坚强更困难。偶尔会觉得趋弱的自己超讨厌，丑透了。可是这也是我的一部分，而懂得爱自己的弱点是学自爱的条件之一。想的太多与想的太少的人正在自讨苦吃，但怎能想得恰当呢？怎能让自己更有自信更喜欢自己？有过痛苦想爱自己却无法成功的经验，也有不明白为何不会自爱的时候。唉，做人好辛苦。下辈子当个无大脑而不知感情的水母算了。

Trying hard to exercise more often. Running, cheer and just more static exercises to increase my strength. For Nationals? For fitness? For my reputation? Strong is the new sexy and all? Not really, but I think I am tired of feeling weak. And I tend to work out more when I feel insecure? I dress better too, and worry about my hair and skin and everything. Its always super obvious when I feel horrid, because I try very hard to keep a smile on my face and dress to impress. Some people say this is my 'vain' tendencies emerging, but I call it armouring myself. Life is cruel, society is vicious, and I need all the protection I can get. Look neat, look sharp, look gorgeous so that people will be intimidated and avoid messing around with you. Cultivate an aura of glamourous inaccessibility so that you won't get hurt when people leave you and choose others over you. Smile, wave, make small talk, give cold hugs. Be chirpy, energetic, enthusiastic, and absolutely friendly. In short, toss all your insecurities out of the window and schmooze. And inside, its a cold, hard, unfeeling place. Your world spins, you barely feel your fingers, and your inner monologue is nothing like whatever is tumbling out of your mouth. Feeling lonely? Crying inside? Need a hug? Shut that part down. No emotions here! Grin and bear it babe, because life is tough and the weak becomes roadkill and dinner for the strong.

"And high up above or down below/ When you're too in love to let it go/ But if you never try you'll never know/ Just what you're worth"