Throat

Playlist

Vivid Place by Deluhi

This is a weird time for my blog to be updated, and if you noticed, good for you. No I am not in class, rather I am at home! Not that class was cancelled or that it ended early, but yours truly is SICK. Flu, slight fever and sore throat. I'm going to be a meanie and say this: JX if you are reading this I think you are partially responsible. The other part is one annoying half-recovered bugger with a 4.1 GPA sitting next to me during FT who was having a great time making fun of my resume and kept trying to get my attention simply because he was bored. 3 hours of non-stop nonsense. I should have swapped places with the person on my left. And yes, I fall ill very easily. I will go to NTUC Medicare at least once a term. Not that I'm proud of maximising my school insurance policy, but more of I spend too much energy living life. My resistance is weak when I lack sleep. Its Week6. Who in the WORLD has enough sleep? Except the few smarties here and there. Anyway, I went to school for BP and was super obviously falling asleep, HW can i borrow your notes please?, prepared for MC and went for the presentation before I bailed and went home. Don't want to infect my entire class, its going to be Week7. Crucial period~ (Oh yeah, thanks Al for my ez-link card! *muacks*)

Tone is kinda different because I'm typing this as I wait for the medication to kick in and send me to LaLaland. Hard to sleep with a blocked nose and sore throat. Breathing is tough I guess? But as I'm weak and my throat is on fire and my nose is running like mad... I shall wait until I feel slightly more comfortable before I sleep. I will probably wake at 9pm plus to eat a bit of food, take another round of medication and go back to making friends with my bolster and blanket. Skipping cheer and school because I think I'm a biological hazard. See? I am being nice and considerate!

Its been a hectic week. First half was busy with MPW case presentation and the odd MC rehearsals. After that was MC all the way~ Now that MC is over? Should be using the weekend to study Ethics and some BP. Mid terms coming up, I need to prepare. I'm sort of nervous about the video interview and dine out on Tuesday and Wednesday, but I doubt I would mess it up badly. I'm just wishing that I don't say or do something stupid. I need to improve my GPA. I want to get to Waseda. And to do that I need to keep my GPA above 3.2. Ideally it would be 3.5, but I am not moaning as yet? My fault that I am not doing well because I have not been putting too much effort into certain classes. Sigh. Oh yeah! Can someone remind me to ask my FT prof about dress code for scholarship interviews? Thank you! I always seem to forget to ask her.

I should be churning out my birthday wishlist soon. I know, I know, I'm this crazy girl for creating birthday wishlists. The thing is, I love my birthday. And more than anything, I like presents. You can say that I am thick-skinned or whatever, but I don't like presents that I cannot use. Please don't give me useless things either. Decorative things are risky with me, because you never know when I will smile and thank you for the present only to have it chucked in this distant corner to be a paper weight. Or better yet, I don't even remember you giving me anything! I wish everyone would be as considerate as me and give me a list of things that they want. I am terrible at buying presents. TERRIBLE. Especially for big events like 21st birthdays or going away presents. Please do not ask me to choose something. I will get something that is boring and safe. Stuff your distant uncles and relatives give you. Not that there is no thought, but I would probably spend a month thinking and NOT be able to think of anything. Just tell me what you want. Saves us all the hassle of getting things we don't like, don't want and won't use. Excellent idea yes?

Every time I see a photo blog, there's this slight pang of jealousy. I'm awfully lazy and the chances of me uploading pictures from my camera phone is once in 6 months. The other thing is I have no idea how interested people are in the photos that I take? I have no kick ass camera, just my moody point and shoot and my hand phone camera. Yeah, I have a good sense of angle what with my hobby and all, but I think there are some technical details that angle cannot rescue. Clarity is always lacking. And if you zoom in, it gets all grainy. Poor quality, not in terms of subject, but the medium. Sad, but I'm doing my best to avoid cameras. A bit too expensive. Will just borrow when I can, but I'm staying away from them for now. Along with the cars and watches and pretty clothes, I will stay far far away until I actually earn money. The more I research, the more I want it. Not good. I will go broke all too soon.

Okie, medicine is taking effect. Please SMSSMS, I will reply as long as I am awake. Thank you and loves you!

"Take me away to a faraway place... With you it will always be a great journey... Lets try to go further..."

Memory

Playlist

サイケデリコ∞サイケデリコ by D=Out

I was thinking about my family as I was cleaning the floor today. I realised that although we're not rich, I had a great time growing up. I never really lacked anything I guess? I always had fun. Yeah, there were many times that I cried. Many times I wanted to die. Regardless, I had a good time as a kid.

My dad used to bring us to the old National Library on Saturdays morning. After breakfast we would wait for the library to open and my brother and I would run in to grab our books. We needed to go grocery shopping, so we usually only had about 30 minutes to get everything. My dad would get Runner's World or some sport related book. Sometimes there would be Scientific American. Or some technology magazine. My mum would get stuff like cook books, scarf knotting books, flower arrangement and the odd Chinese philosophy book. My younger brother would head to the animals and insects and plants section. Or those spot the difference books. And me? Fairy tales. Classics. Science fiction. Fantasy. Humour. I loved the original darker Grimm's fairytales. Loved anything out of this world. I only started reading general fiction when I started to run out of things to read. Now Murakami is love. Discovered horror in late secondary school. No romance because my dad didn't want me reading 'trashy' books, and I later realised I loved plot too much to read bodice rippers. I get bored far too fast. I would devour all the books by Sunday night and would be eagerly anticipating the weekend because I wanted new books. My parents had to limit me to one book per day. And then I found out about the school library. Wiped out all the fiction books in my library because most of it was too childish for me. Can you imagine? I was reading Pride and Prejudice, Lord of the Rings, To Kill a Mockingbrid at age 12? Secondary school was stuff like Grapes of Wrath, all of Shakespeare's stuff, Catcher in the Rye and more. Junior college was stuffed with modern writing on themes like war and death and love and life. And these are just the stuff in English. I read comics, be it Marvel or Chuangyi. I read the Chinese classics. I studied poetry in both English and Chinese. I love books. My one true love in this world. I can talk about books forever, and I have so many fabulous memories of the old National Library.

Another amazing memory is going to MacRitchie. Yeah, I hate running, but I love that place. We had picnics, jogging sessions, playing on the slope, running on the planks, trying to catch fish... HAHA. I have a scar on my ankle from where I scraped against the drain. It was fun to get out and see the plants and run around and play. It was tiring, sure, but enjoyable. All the energy has to go somewhere, and MacRitchie was understanding. Yelled and jumped and played. The cross country events when I was in secondary school were a pain, but my original memory of that place is one where I could disappear from all my troubles amongst the greenery. OH! The beach was fabulous too! Picnics! Cycling! Cycling! Sleeping on a hammock. Lousy sandcastles. Shell collecting. Kayaking even though I can't swim to save my life. 26th December. The day of the Boxing Day tsunami, I was solo kayaking in the sea with my dad. Crashed against the beach 4 times trying to take off. Hurt like anything but he was taunting me so I persevered. MAD FUN. Sea was choppy, but if there's one thing I know, respect nature and you'll never be in deep trouble. I wanted to show my dad I could do it. Yeah, I'm a bit competitive. A bit. HAHA.

I think I could blog a series about my childhood. Each fantastic individual memory in full technicolour. All the smells and tastes. All the reckless things I did because I wanted to prove myself. In the beginning to my dad. Later to my peers and teachers. And now, myself. More than anything, I want to show myself that I can do it. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I will push myself to the limit? I'm not a marathoner. I'm not a mugger. If there's one thing I learnt, its the importance of balance. I studied really hard. I played really hard. I had fun indoors, I had fun outdoors. I had fun alone, I had fun with others. No wonder all my personality tests show someone who is neutral. I'm an introvert who is a closet extrovert and an extrovert who is introverted. I am a pessimist who is a secretly optimistic and an optimist with a strong streak of pessimism. I'm not your average girl because somewhere along the way as I was growing up, I grew tired of the bimbos and bitches, and I decided that I didnt want to be a tomboy either. After all, gender is a social construct.

"Because this is the only chance I'll have at this."

Quirk

Playlist

GIRLism by SCANDAL

I think I pick up personality quirks really easily. The more I hang out with a certain person, the more I speak like them. Not that I copy whatever they say, but the vocabulary and sentence structures that I utilise starts to evolve to something similar. Of course, its not as if I will sound like that person, but while retaining some personal flavour, my speech patterns have changed. Learning Japanese has also changed the way I structure my sentences in English. I think it might be due to the differences in grammar forms for these two languages. English tends to move the subject to the back of a sentence and the modifiers in front of it, while Japanese stuffs the topic right smack in the front, but modifies it at the back. I need to think in a weird way to compose a coherent sentence in Japanese. Its different form Chinese and English, although there are many things about the language that makes it similar as well. And the culture? There are some things that are not said directly in Japanese. Questions are a very good example. And there are just some sentence forms that do not exist at all.

I've changed quite a lot. I'm no longer as blunt as how I used to be. I'm way more two-faced than a few years ago. I'm better at hiding my weaknesses and pretending to be okay. Sighs. I think I can attribute part of it to learning Japanese. It makes you think more about what you're going to say and how its going to sound to others. And I often try to translate whatever I think into Japanese to improve my sentence structures, although this has had very limited success. On the whole? My environment has changed me. Getting to know more people this summer, getting to know more people in my classes, getting to know more people in my project groups... In short more exposure. I never thought that I would become like this. I would probably have been voted Most Likely To Insult Some Big Shot And Get Shot in secondary school. In JC I think the post would have evolved to Most Likely To Say Something That Would Speed Up Her Demise. And now? I am still more blunt than most people, but I think I'm nearer to the average. The progress has been nothing short of exponential in my one year in SMU.

Of course I still do stupid things. I'm more aggressive and confrontational than most people, and this is something that is hard to change. I won't run away from problems, but my too direct approach makes people think that I'm offensive. And sometimes, I do things that are exercises in futility, like trying to sort out a misunderstanding and actually CREATING a bigger misunderstanding. I've this wonderful ability to do that. And everyone will stare at me, fascinated, like some car that is hurtling headlong into a wall at top speed and a collision is inevitable. HELLO? People, couldn't you try to tell me to swerve and avoid the wall? Friends? PFT. I think you people think I'm this very amusing an entertaining clown.

I guess the more surface acting that you do, the more tired you're going to be. I don't even feel like smiling. And sometimes I want to shut up and just do my own thing. But no, I have to be nice and considerate and kind and talkative. Its not often that I can just keep quiet and people won't misunderstand my silence as me being pissed off at something or someone or another. Its my natural face. If I don't smile and don't move, I look like I'm angry. I know this. So many regrets, but I guess I try not to live my life examining each one in agonising detail. I'd probably go crazy from depression at my inadequacy and despair of ever moving forward and improving. No good at all.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to blog. Partially my rather egoistic way of justifying my existence. A blog is my space. No one else can post at this site but me. you can only spectate; I'm the one in charge of the content. Control. My best friend and worst enemy. Too much and too little. I'm too extreme for my own good. Should walk the middle path as per Aristotle.

Eeek. I just reread the entire post and realised that I'm near incoherent. I want to sleep, so I shall stop here. Yet another inconclusive post~

"I fear running away, so I will be a coward and approach head-on"

Tempt

Playlist

Ring Ding Dong by Shinee

Yes I gave in to temptation and listened to Shinee. Yes, they make me feel fat.Yes, they make me feel old. Yes, some of their songs are irritating. But I guess Korean pop is good for doing homework because I've been completing more work? So yes. I will just listen to a few songs here and there and skip the rest. HAHA.

I miss Laruku. I know they are celebrating their 20th anniversary next year, but it feels so very far away. I really want to know where will the concerts be held. Other than the usual Japan. And Paris and London. I have this feeling Shanghai will get a stop as well. The furthest I am willing to travel is Hong Kong/Taiwan. Just for them. Partially because I want to go to Hong Kong again and I would love to be able to visit Taiwan. If I somehow manage to go Japan, I'll buy the tickets. FOR SURE. So what if I won't understand most of what is being said by them. So what if I'd probably get lost on my to the concert location and on my way back. I will attend their concert. Its the least I can do for myself. I love Laruku. When I was crying, when I was sulking, when I was depressed, when I was hurt and feeling like the world might as well end, they were the one band in my playlist that I could rely upon to make me feel better again. Big Bang helps me feel like partying. Deluhi is nice. D=Out is cool. Epik High makes me feel calm. Flow is comforting. Gackt is funny. Kazuki is jazzy. Matenrou is hypnotic. SID is awesome. Versailles gives me confidence. Vidoll is familiar. But my one and only true love is hyde with his amazing vocals and Laruku's classic rhythms. VAMPS works because its hyde singing. I think I've explained enough.

Which song do I like? And why? I think Ready Steady School is one of my all-time favourites. Vivid Colours. Blurry Eyes. My Dear. Twinkle, twinkle. Lost Heaven. New World. Shout at the Devil. Honey. Dive to Blue. Pretty girl. Seventh Heaven. Bless. Why do I like them? I think its the composition? I'm not sure, never bothered to study music. I am more of a consumer than a producer. I just know that its not something that can be easily danced to, but its still addictive. I like dance tracks with variation because it allows me to move along to it. But Laruku songs are more of stuff you listen to as you look out of the window in the bus? HAHA. I feel like putting down more, but I feel weird. Its like revealing all your little desires that make you tick. Its like telling someone all the embarrassing things you did. Its like telling people the colour of your freaking underwear. YEAH. So I shan't continue. Too private. Too close to my heart. Too much ammunition HAHA.

So sad that I can't sing along to Laruku songs without mauling it. Its not that I can't sing, but my key is way off. I mean, yes, hyde is a guy. And my singing voice is higher than most girls. I can do those super whiny and high-pitched annoying girl voices. The kind of voice that I hate the most and will want to hurl something pointy at the source of the annoyance. But I have that kind of voice. Like Spinelle. YEAH. I can pitch my voice lower, I usually do when I'm being sarcastic? But when I'm angry enough, I use that whiny voice against others. I know it pisses people off, so I do it to be mean. HAHA. I probably have accumulated a mountain of negative karma.

Ah. I must have been a rabbit or hamster or penguin in my previous life. I love skin contact. DISTURBING, but true. I will unconciously bump into people I'm with. I will go so close as to invade and remove personal space. I will cling and hold hands and hug and just touch. Okie, this comes across as something utterly disturbing and potentially bad for my reputation, but HECK. Its not like I didn't have rumours about me being lesbian when I was in school. People thought I was double-dating 2 of my close friends. Hilarious but true. And then some thought I'm bisexual. At that point, I felt slightly hurt? But after a while it was a game to do the most shocking thing possible to stun everyone around me. I don't remember what I did with my friends, but I remember some very fun episodes where even mutual friends wondered if it was a game or for real. Yes, I'm a bit extreme. But I exert self-control when I'm around guy friends? Especially guy friends who are already attached. Must stay at least one arm's width away. Must control and not do stuff that can be misinterpreted. I feel bad otherwise? So I will always need to find a close female friend after that to glomp. I guess its because I feel lonely? What love and affection and friendship? I can't believe in intagibles like that. Touch is something that I can trust. Skin hunger is something I have, and I'm not afraid to say it if I need a hug? Why should I deny myself of being hapy if its free and guranteed to work? Just because most people don't do so? Most people are STUPID if thats the case. I'm a social animal. I will want physical reassurance. You mean you've never ever wanted a hug? I know some people have proximity issues, and I usually can't get along with those people because I need the contact. Its part of the way I communicate, so if I can't touch you at all I feel disabled in a way. Which might explain why my guy friends are sadly super few. The ones I'm closer to are those who don't run away the moment I lean in closer? HAHA. I'm not going to bite anyone... I think?

Yes, this is because someone said something that made me angry. I should change my Facebook status to engaged. Or married. Or something. Let them guess and speculate and wonder if its for real or a game. Life's a game anyway. EECH. Don't make me angry, I might just go mad and play with someone that you don't want me to touch~ Careful I don't steal the person you love away from you just for the fun of it because YOU hurt the people I love. So hold on tight ok? <3

"どしゃぶり雨が上がれば　生まれたての空が光る いつだって変われるよ絶対　本気で願えば大丈夫さ"

Choice

Playlist

Frontier by DELUHI

In case you're worried, I am still your one and only JellyFish. I will still make fun of your email name. I will still laugh at the silly things you do. I will still do the mad, crazy things I always do to make you happy. And to me, you'll always be my 'dear'. No matter what happens. If you were to betray me or were to leave me, I'd get mad pissed. I'd scream at you. I'd cry buckets of tears and stab voodoo dolls of you. And I do all these, because I love you no matter how much I hate you. Not the most comforting thing I can say, but you don't expect me to write paragraphs of purple prose declaring my undying love right? You've know me since times long past, and I think you should know how I deal with stress~

In a way, I was right. 2 people who are the same will never have a happy ending. I mean, one of me and one of you is way more than enough in this world. If I met someone who was like me, not LOOK like me, I would probably stab her to death? So annoying. So irritating. So noisy. So disgusting. Something along those lines. So I guess it is a good thing that we are so different? How I'm caring and blunt, and you're selfish and such a sweet-talker. Perfect combination of good cop bad cop, both internally and externally. I'm always the 'evil' one to tell people the bad news while you comfort them, when inside, you're the one who's happy you don't have to do it. And I do it because I can't bear to watch another moment of this grande debacle. Somehow, we work, and I really am glad for this relationship. I guess it gives me a sense of security? False security it might be, but I would settle for the little I can get. When I can get it of course. You with your bright and happy life that is so distracting that you can't be bothered to drag me along? I'm sick to embroil myself further in this funk, but I suppose this spiralling web of darkness is better than a swift descend into the abyss. Lesser of two evils and all.

I wonder what I would be like if I was like every other person. I can't even begin to imagine life without all the things I do. No Flare. No Ballooning Bliss. No Laruku. No Gackt. No Deluhi. No FLOW. No D=Out. No manga. No Manwy. No SD. No Brinjal. No Kaen. No Fishies. No extended 'family'. What would I be doing now? Cooking? Baking? Studying? Cycling? Playing tennis? Reading? Watching television? I really have no idea. I am too used to the way I live, rushing from one deadline to another, living day by day, week by week, event by event. How can I even fanthom another? It would be like imagining another world, you can see it, but you cannot smell it, nor can you feel the texture of it. You can only guess what it will be like form your limited knowledge of this world, but the other path is clearly out of reach. Still, I can dream, can't I?

I should learn a musical instrument. I get a bit green-eyed whenever my people show off their musical prowess. Does not help that almost everyone you know can either play the guitar, the violin or better yet, the PIANO. And the look at me in amazement when I tell them I can't tell the difference with all those beansprouts on those lines. I'm sorry if my parents did not have the money to send me for ballet to pirouette in pink tutu skirts, nor did they have the money to buy send me for music classes. But I'm happy with the way I am? Sure I wish I could go on pointe. Sure I want to be able to show of my awesome musical ability. But I know how to laugh. I know how to love people. I know how to be loyal. I know how to be humane. I know how to get up on my feet and keep going even if the odds are stacked high as the mountians reaching to the sky. I'd be sad. I'd need encouragement. But I'd keep going. And for that I am proud to be who I am.

I think I derailed. And lost sight of the train. And somehow, I realised that I no longer want to go to where I was heading to in the beginning. So I guess this is it.

"君に会いたい今会いたい眠れない夜も夢の中も。。。”

Fair

Playlist

Lorelei by Deluhi

I know I said I would not treat this blog as some ranting arena, but I think I'm at my limit. I wanted to survive 7 weeks in school before I go crazy and complain about school here, but evidently, this post is proof that I'm nowhere near 7 weeks and already falling apart.

In case people forgot, I am human. I have wishes. I have troubles. I have desires. I have problems. I have responsibilities. I have my own life. No matter how much I try to be there for you, I do have a limit. Let's face it, I can't be there every single freaking moment of your life. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to study. I need to live my life. I can't possibly be there all the time right smack at the moment next to you when you need a hug. I cannot feasibly teleport myself. The most I can do is to give you a call. And I cannot possibly call you in the middle of my seminar. Or when I am asleep. Or when my phone runs out of battery. There are physical inadequacies. I know these. So all I ask is for you to hold on until I can get to you. I know the next 4 hours will feel like a nightmare. I know waiting for me to call you feels like forever. I know our next meeting is eons away. I know. All I ask is for you to hold on. Just a bit more. I'll be there. I'll catch you if you fall. Just don't hit the ground so fast? Believe me, I am thinking of you. You say I can just leave if I put you as my first priority, but really think about it. In good times, you were the one who told me that you could hold on.

I am utterly exhausted. Emotionally drained from dealing with drama. Mentally drained by the gymnastics required by my classes. Physically drained from running on little food and even lesser sleep. I try, but I feel that I am about to break down in the middle of something important and start crying soon. Have you ever thought about me? Have you ever thought if I was falling apart under my toothy smile and never-ending enthusiasm? Have you ever asked me what I wanted instead of telling me what you want? Some may say I talk too much for them to talk, but I prattle on because you expect me to talk. And you say I'm a talkative, loud and noisy. Isn't this unfair? I can live in silence, but you'd feel uncomfortable and make me talk. So I go on and on about things that don't matter, or hint about things that matter. But I guess you didn't get the hint, which is why this post exists.

I hate this part of you that makes me so ugly. Left to my own devices, I'd be reading manga. Or books. Or my notes. Or watching videos. Or listening to music. I'm introverted, but I do all the surface acting for your sake. Its so unbearably tiring, but what else can I do? How many people actually know me? How many of you avoid me the moment I'm in trouble because you 'can't deal' with me? Fair weather friend you lot! You are allowed to go berserk, and I have to be your supportive crutch all the way, but the moment I'm in a fix I'm left to my own devices?! 

I have had enough.

"Fair weather friend, LEAVE."

Surface

Playlist

In class....

Just went to the Apple store to take a look, and I feel sad for my Tofu. Not even a year and it now looks like something from the stone age. Not that I will change my Tofu immediately, hell no, but the retina display is really very attractive to a frequent reader of manga on the go. Being able to see Tsuruga Ren CLEARLY is a huge plus. Oh well, you have it to Apple to make wants feel like a need.

I guess we all have our sad and bad times. No one can predict when exactly we would feel bad, but I guess you can predict certain patterns after a while? You start feeling upset when you feel unmotivated, when you feel that you're not as important as others, when you fel that you're being abandoned, when you feel that you're not understood, when you feel that you have no other viable alternative. The symptoms are obvious enough, and they set in after a while. First is the emptiness in some deep part of you that makes you go out more and talk more and interact more. Next comes the nagging suspicion that you're just not up to task and that everyone else is spinning gaily away from you. After that comes the more physical manifestations, where some sleep more and others sleep much less, where some eat more and others eat much less. Sooner or later, you reach this stage where, with the closest of your friends, the bestest of your friends, you don't know what to say anymore. No problems with those who are just 'friends' because you're able to smoke and fluff through with random nuggets of information, surface acting and pasisng information along. But with those who know you well? You can't hide and you don't know what to say, so you go along and play along with the mood, all the while feeling like you should be doing something else somewhere else... Or that something is just wrong.

Voice of experience as you can tell. Its been so long that I've been stuck in this rut that after a while it becomes modus operandi. As if you'll never be able to truly smile from the bottom of your heart because you closed off parts of your heart to stop the flooding from wrecking your daily life. (Disconcerting submarine analogy I know.) As if you'll never know what you truly want, because all the surface acting has robbed of you of your ability to be true to yourself. As if you'll never be able to love anyone, because you can't even love yourself, much less another entity. You may say that I'm exaggerating, but how would you know that I am? How do you know what lies under my laughter, smiles, lame jokes and dramatics? No matter what, I am made of flesh and blood and tears.

Okay, this is not a particularly inspiring post. I don't think despair is something that I would like to share. Misery loves company, but not to make others more miserable, oh no, but that miserable people love the company of others. I think there is a need to communicate what you want? Even if its superficial and surface, its better than denying this base need. Because how many layer of masks do you want to wear? One? Two? Three? Or even more to the extent that you can't count anymore? Its tiring, unbearably so. Just tell others what you need and what you want, because in our nice and conservative Asian society, sometimes what you want is actually what you need. I try not to tell myself 'It's okay.', because it rarely ever is. You clamp down on your internal uprising and put on your best 'okay' face at what expense? At the expense of your own happiness. At the expense of your ability to express yourself. At the expense of opprtunities lost and forever gone. At the expense of your own peace of mind. I think its almost never 'okay'. We all have our preference, i'll jsut say mine, while you say yours and I'm sure we'll reach a consensus somewhere.

Okie, this turned out to be pretty lecture-ish. But I suppose it is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel inside. You might not feel the same way as me, which is DUH, because we're different people. But the key thing is that we are all still people? That we have hopes and fears, we have dreams and nightmares, we have desires and all the itty bitty things we want far far away from us. We're all human. All people. And I think this is probably the most important factor. I may not be friends with everyone, but I respect them as human beings. Its the very least I can do.

"And sometimes, tears alone won't be enough, because blood has to be shed for a new day's dawn."

Rewind

Playlist

Turn It Up by T.O.P.

This will be a short post, partially because I need to sleep and partially because I have nothing much to say.

School has been hectic, but still alright so far. I think the main difference is that with my knee injured, I can't train anymore. That gives me more time to concentrate on my school work and projects. Yes, I have only an extra 3 hours a week because I am expected to help out, but its still a lot to me. Managed to catch up on some work, but I think I distract myself too well. Summer was much too fun, and I'm having withdrawal symtoms now. Not good at all.

I think I have some suicidal tendencies. Otherwise I would not have gone ahead to bid for the extra Ethics class that is on Monday night immediately after Managerial Accounting. I would have given my brain a break. The only good thing that i can possibly think of is that the presentation is this coming Monday, so I won't have to worry about presenting for Ethics at the peak period after Week10. Not that I won't be stressed, what with my heavy subjects and tough instructors. I guess the thing is that I want to try? I might actually give up on Flare in order to keep up with my school work. I'm alreading putting all my cosplay plans on hiatus. I have also yet to start on my Medusa (I really think the only time I will have to sew is in November after my exams. I can foresee it). Loads of problems and I can feel my stress level increasing. Sleep debt growing. Health a bit weird. Time with friends rapidly decreasing. If anyone thinks that they are busy, see my timetable. I bet I can rival most people. I'm clocking near 80 work hors a week. And I'm a student!

I feel lonely. Perhaps its because most of my friends are attached and busy with their significant other. Perhaps most of my friends have schedules that totally clash with mine. Perhaps it is because I feel tired from always being the one tokeep in touch, and always the one who has to be happy and enthusiastic. Perhpas I am tired of being treated like a spare tyre, something that is there only to supplement when others have no other alternatives. Perhaps I just need to get away from the expectations of others and myself. The weight is a burden and I'm starting to lose my focus.

I need a place to rest my soul, and I think it is hardly likely that I am going to find it anywhere near me anytime soon. And so on I tread. Even if I am alone, I guess I should make the most out of it? Some of my friends may think and feel hurt that I don't consider them comrades in arms. But honestly? Think about it, how many of you can understand this weight? We may have similar weights, but it is not the same burden that we carry. Self imposed you may think, but its something that I have no way to escape from. 5.5 units. 6 classes. One heavy CCA. Cosplay. Friends. Personal life. Family. I'm thinking of a way to run away and its only Week2. This is bad.

"Its okay to cry, because we all know this will be nothing but memories in the not-so-distant future."

Return

Playlist

My Heaven (Japanese Version) by BIGBANG

And thus, school has started. Year 2 Semester 1. Jammed packed with people I know, people I've seen around, people I don't know, people I know too well, and of course, people I wished I'd have never known and people I miss. The amazing thing about organisations is the people. And with Singapore being this tiny country and the world being this small? Once you know someone, the likelihood of meeting them just increases exponentially. Year 2 is really different from Year 1. There are certain expectations in place, and there's this unseen pressure seeping into you with the nonstop references to internship, graduating and GPA. Not as much unbridled joy as before, but it has its own attractions. Like being able to anticipate how long it takes to travel to school so that you can sleep more.

I want a holiday. Yeah, term has just started yadda yadda yadda, but I really want to go on a holiday. Family or with friends would be nice. Countries... Taiwan? Indonesia's Bali? Japan? I would not mind goingback to Honk Kong again either. I think its just me being all escapist. During term you want to run away, but during the holidays you sometimes think of going back to school. Although that did not really happen this time round in summer. I guess it was because 30 weeks of formal schooling was enough to make 3 months seem short. In SMU, time passe oh-so-slowly when you want the holidays to come and there's always not enough time for projects and exam preparation. Most paradoxiacal indeed, but as the theory of relativity exists... I can say its all relative to what I'm doing.

Most of my classes this semester are in the afternoon. Only Biz Pro is on Thursday morning. Fridays are off, so if I really really wanted to, I could run away briefly. Not that I can afford to. I need to up my GPA by a whole lot tobe able to get some form of recognition from school when I graduate. I wonder if I am being too ambitious? But I refuse to think this way. If I don't aim for something, I will end up with nothing. I want to get a 3.5 GPA. I want to do well because I know I need to give back to my family. I want to do well because I know I will hate myself if I don't do better than that person. And anyone and everyone who reads my blog should know who is that lucky person that I wanna out-do.

Not sure why, but I've been in no special mood to blog recently. I think I might be getting more reticient. Either that or I'm getting reticent. I've realised I don't make for a good conversationalist on the internet, although I'm perfectly fine with for face to face and phone conversations. I just can't keep the conversation going if its online. And I'm supposedly young and tech-savvy. Oh well~ If this blog dies for a month or so, I don't think it'd be the first time, so I'll just apologise to my readers. I think hardly anyone is reading my blog nowadays anywya... So a bit of a non-issue?

Sleepy and tired. Hungry as well. My timetable gives me more time to sleep and prepare for class, but it is bad for my tummy. I have cookies and Pocky for lunch. Or I have a heavy tea break. Screwing up my internal meal allocation system. Sigh. What can I do? I could barely get any classes, so I shall not be picky and try my luck in changing classes left right and centre. But next semester will be killer. Finance. Marketing. CAT. Management Science. And I might just throw Ethics into the mix. I'll see how. I still have about 10 weeks to decide. After all, its only Week 1 of Semester 1. Long way to go for a short journey.

Shall conclude here. Not much else that I have a burning desire to say. Hungry. I shall procede to dinner, finish my Japanese homework before appearing online again. Wish me luck~

"Be careful how you wish for something that you want, because someone out there might just make your wish come true, and your phrasing might make all the difference..."

Moment

Playlist

Departure by Deluhi

New single by Deluhi that only has the PV that I've left on repeat. This is going to be a rather short post because I am currently dying (again), and because I need rest and sleep, I will be a horrible blogger and ignore my blog. Not that I've much of a choice as this is the first time in 2 days that I've been online, and the first time in a week that I've had more than half an hour of time to spend in front of the computer with nothing very important pending my attention. So yes. I am rushing because school is starting. Getting all the fun I can afford, all the trips I can make,all the shoots that I can squeeze... This holidays feels unreal and super duper short.

I've been running around mainly because of Japanese exchange buddy who arrived on the 3rd. Spent a few days with her, letting her get familiar with Singapore and other administrative stuff. After that... I've been in school? More or less clearing up CIP and convocation nonsense. Next week is my last week without school. of which I'd spend one day at Convocation, one shopping for M's pearls, one day at a photoshoot, one day meeting my other Japanese buddy and playing... There goes my week. And my holidays. And school begins once more.

So much to say, but so much that cannot be said. So many people have made me angry, and so mnay people have made me happy. I've done things that are really fun, and have been bored way out of my wits. I think this holiday has been rather enjoyable? Met new people, learnt to work with more people, experimented with travelling alone, picked up a skill, cleared my CIP hours, spent more time with my grandmother, watched a lot of movies, facial and spa, improved my make up skills... I did quite a lot? My only 'regret' would be that I did not get the chance to really sit down and read a good book from start to end. I suppose it has something to do with me not chancing upon any such interesting book? I've not been at the library often, which might explain my dire lack of reading material. Its so ironic how the nearer you are to something, the more you'd take it for granted, but if you were to really think about it? Don't we always take those near and dear to us for granted?

I think this blog will look much better once term has stared. Right now I'm still trying to piece all the parts together, so I'm only blogging when I have a brief respite. If I'd known my life would be so packed, I would definitely have joined less stuff. Or at least put my name down for fewer things. Life like this is virtually not a life. As you can tell, I'm really tired, which is why all the pessimism is slowly but surely seeeping into my post. Not my original intention, but it can't be helped, I am in this mood. 

Will go to bed soon. Something like now. I need the rest, or I will proabbly fall ill as I've been abiusing and depriving my body of sleep. Not a good idea, because the rebellion by your body hurts. Nights all.

"Just for this moment, even if it is a lie, I'd like to think that you'd never let me out of your embrace."

Breathe

Playlist

Ongaku by Kalafina

Previously, I always derided people who said that they were too busy to update their blogs. My idea was that if blogging was really such an integral part of your life, you'd definitely have time to update it. Well? I now have greater respect for people who have the time and energy to blog every day withour fail, and I will no longer be as skeptical of those who say that they are too busy to update their blogs, because I finally understood the concept of too busy.

From last Thursday, I've been treating my home like a hotle. I leave early in the morning and return late at night only to shower, pack my bag for the next day and sleep. I've not been able to read a single magazine article, much less finish a book. I sleep on the bus, doze on the train and at any time that I'm free, I'm either planning my next move, rushing my stuff or just catching up on sleep. A brief on what has been going on since last Thursday if you don't have access to my Google Calendar (which I shall now promote here as a fantatstic tool for consolidating timetables).

Thursday was Balloning Fundraiser at AMK hub from 10am, ends at 830pm, followed by money counting at Pearl's house until midnight. Went home to sleep. Friday I woke up late, rushed a bit of my Japanese homework, did some simple chores and went for Japanese class. After class at 10pm, I rushed down to Boon Lay for the overnight balloning. Saturday morning at 5am we ended and headed over to G's house to crash and get some shut eye before our duty started at 10am. Had duty until 4pm. where I ran home to shower before going out for a movie with StarF. Went home and CRASHED. Woke up to have breakfast on Sunday. And then I went back to sleep until noon. Woke up to have lunch, cleaned my house and then out again for Jay Chou's concert until midnight. Monday awoke at 7am because there was Arts Camp that started at 8plus. Was in school for the cheer segment until 4 plus, before I went to the gym. Showered, then met StarF and SD for dinner and some FoR discussion. Reached home at midnight plus. Tuesday lunch was with PBF at Clarke Quay where we talked a bit, and I had to go at 2pm for K with the B2 guys. Sang until 6plus before leaving for training with G, who had to go to school. I somehow slept in on Wednesday and went to have lunch at NUS with StarF, before heading to the tailor to collect Snake. After that rushed down to Great World for dinner before heading to Zouk. Zouk was a NIGHTMARE. Shall not elaborate or I will be inclined to commit homicide. ANYWAY. Went home, slept, woke up, rushed to NUS and here I am now. Training later. Tired just TYPING all these. I have no idea how I manged to survive this few days.

If you'd like details and specifics about all the stuff I've been going through, do feel free to drop me a note/ SMS/ call. I'll gladly tell you all the nitty gritty details in all their horrendous glory. And you know whats the best thing about all these? I'm going to be rushing about next week too! Convocation rehearsal, my exchange buddies coming over, training, Japanese class, birthdays, school books to get, CCa stuff to arrange... Life just gets more hectic. And there seems to be no sign of it slowing down anytime soon. I hope things get better when the school term starts, which is unlikely, because i need to rush out the details for my POH costume aswell? I think I'm trying to kill myself. So many shoots, 00project has beach and sleepwear. SW3 needs to be done before my roots show. POH needs to be done before December. I can see myself getting overworked. SIGH. Someone give me a body double. Now will be good.

Its okay. I'll do my best. One life and one shot, so I'll give it my all. Let's rock n' roll!

"Dreams are nothing without action, sweat and tears."

Friends

Playlist

Returner by Gackt

In life, I think we meet plenty of people. There are some who we feel like murdering. There are some we feel like ignoring. There are some who don't make a difference. And there are, of course, those who do. But inspite of all these, I think it is our choices that decides the effect all these people have on us. I can choose to ignore. I can choose to get frustrated. I can choose to be happy. More than anything, I can choose to not ignore, I can choose to not get frustrated, and I can choose to not be happy. 

I assure you, I'm pretty young and my experiences are limited. Regardless, I think its the things that you unconciously choose not to do that are more important than the things that you conciously choose to do? I think its because it says a lot about our priorities and our values. The things that really drive us. Stuff like loyalty. Love. Compassion. Faith. Trust. And lets not all forget the other stuff like fear. Anger. Doubt. I'm not saying that its good versus bad. Or even good versus not so good. I'm saying that we have different motivations. The man without fear is as much an idiot as the person with too much faith. We all need some skeptism and some belief. A balance.

Urgh. I have been in not much of a mood to blog recently. I think its something to do with my mood. I don't want to blog when I'm angry at school/people/CCA etc. Its just makes me want to throw something smelly and dirty, such as my shoe, in the vague direction that I think will make me feel better. Sounds weird and hilarious when I say it this way, but I think the action and slight bit ofviolence is actually just a slight physically manisfestation of the undercurrent inside. Yeah. Another reason why I am not blogging would be that my sentnce structures are getting weird. I have no idea if its because of Japanese classes, too much of my flyer hitting me on the head, a lack of sleep or any other external factor that influenced this change. The crux is that my sentences seem to be constructed by Yoda in that the main topic is moving to the back, the connectors are moving to the middle and my expressions are all stuck in the front. I have to retype so many sentences that I give up on long passages and leave them incompleted in my drafts. URGH. I want my fluent English back. I want my eloquence and quick wit and all the stuff that I used to exhibit back in the old days. School is detrimental to my language capability. I feel like my ability to learn and react is getting retarded. Sigh.

I'm staying up late too often for it to be good for my body. I guess i cna feel myself dehydrating after midnight, when my throat gets parched and even the oil on my face lessens. I should sleep more. Won't be able to get enough once to school term begins again. This holiday is nowhere near long enough. Sighs. Life tugs at our collar and we must leave. Sigh.

"Those who have extra give. For those who lack, they take."

Food

Playlist

Uncontrol (YFC live version) by Gackt

I think my metabolic rate increased. I perspire easily naturally, but in junior college, due to the lack of exercise, my metabolic rate went down. While waiting for university to start, was desk bound for near 8 hours a day and too lazy to exercise. I've never been fat per se, because I was pretty active for the first 16 years of my life. Later on, I began to eat lesser when I felt I was just staying glued to my seat in air-conditioning and I was not as hungry. So I've never been fat. But now? I train 3 times a week, clean the house once a week and run on occasion. I'm starting to bulk from all the exercise, with certain areas, like my abs and back of my thighs, getting leaner and more toned. I'm eating A LOT. I have breakfast. Followed by lunch. Tea time is normal, followed by dinner and supper. Breakfast is 3 slices of bread with milk or milo. Lunch is rice with side dishes. Tea cake or pastry or bread. Dinner is rice with more side dishes. And supper is whatever I can find in the fridge. Other than all these, I usually consume dessert after dinner, or have fruit juices as well. I can usually finish the standard sets in restaurants with leftover space in my tummy for dessert. Sometimes, I have to eat something else after that, or I'd be hungry within the next 2 hours or so. So yes. I eat a lot. But its quite irritating when people say I eat like a guy. Just because I'm not meal-skipping, salad-eating and constantly saying that I'm hungry does not make me less female. I just need more food than most people to keep on going. If I'm hungry, I whine, because on an empty stomach, I'm an uber bitch. The things I'd say and do if you threaten my source of sustenance is scary, even to me. I'd snap. And bite. Yeah. I would.

I think I'm not skinny? But I would not say that I am fat either. Just normal. A wee bit of bulk on my arms and thighs, but my upper body built is small. Amusing how I have large leg joints and bones and a small torso. Slightly unabalanced aka bottom heavy? Good thing I exercise regularly enough such that no one can say that they can see all the mass at my leg wobble with every step. That would be such an eyesore! I guess it is true that as you age, your body loses its ability to just 'bounce' back into shape. I've to work harder and longer just to maintian my shape, much less lose weight!

OH YEAH. I was going to speculate that the reason for my apparently 'alright' body shape might be the fact that I've never been ona diet. or tried to be on a diet. For the first 17 years of my life, I'd never had gastritis because I've never skipped a meal or delayed a meal for an extended period of time. It was working and university that gave me problems, because my eating hours were no longer regular. In the past, I always ate whenever I was hungry, and would eat to about seventy to eighty percent full. So I always have space for dessert and extra snacks, just that I make a conscious decision not to have so much food. Being too full will make you feel bloated and naseous. So anyway, my body never had to go into starvation mode and store food because I'd been depriving it of nutrition. I ate regularly and ate well, exercising to keep my heart healthy as well. So to all those people out there who wake at 10am and have brunch, before eating dinner at 9pm... I think you'd look like a pig if you eat the way I do. Body is just not suited for the consistent intake of nutrients.

This is becoming a very strange and pointless post. Shall end this here. I'll be pretty busy with CIP stuff for the rest of July, so updates will be scarcer. Sorry, but reality is a pretty cruel taskmaster.

I shall pray hard to get my modules.

"Listen to the music, and feel the messgae behind it all."

Blood

Playlist

Vamp Addiction by VAMPS

Sometimes, I feel so frustrated that I'd like to throw a sharp, hard and pointy object at certain people. I think its not exactly my or their fault, but more of a cumulation of all the little irritating things that occur between people that finally sends you over the edge and into the abyss. Things like you being a neat freak and them being a wannabe cockroach. Things like you being a workaholic and them on a vacation cruise. Things like you having values and principles and them being immoral lazy bastards who ought to be stoned. See? Difference in expectations and habits. Its these little things that wear away at your patience until you're ready to rip them asunder and bath in their spilling flesh and blood. In case you were wondering, my father discouraged romance novels when I was growing up. He'd rather I read science fiction and fantasy. Which I did, only to progress to horror since it was so conveniently placed nearby. So yes. I have a wee bit of an overactive imagination.

Anyway, I really really think that MCPs should just walk onto a busy freeway. Wait. Roadkill is far too good for them. They should be have their skin peeled off and pushed into hot boiling oil to simmer. Rubbish people are rubbish people. My tolerance level for such nonsense has very regrettably plummeted over the course of my interaction with fellow human beings. I do my best to avoid these fools in order to lessen the workload of my nice and friendly neighbourhood policemen, but I think the day will come when they'll be at the scene, shaking their heads in disbelief at how far and how low I've descended. Oh well. We'll see where fate brings us. I just do not believe that these people who continuously put me down and refuse to give me a chance will do well in life. If they do perform well? I think I shall have to petition to God or something to keep things fair. Yeah, I know that life is not fair, but hey, can't I try to make a difference? I'll stick my plow in the ground and work until blisters erupt if I have to. I won't bow to rubbish people. Over my dead, rotting and stinking corpse.

There's this sense of disbelief. School starts in a mere one month. Back into that hellish place where I voluntary signed my name and paid good money to attend. I think if my school doesn't murder me, I'll emerge as a graduate in gnashing my teeth together and faking a smile while I plunge a knife into the things that irritate me. Yeah. That which does not kill you just serves to make you far more destructive. Its proven. Look at bacteria.

Anyway, I'll be away for the next few days in this little part of the country called Downtown East. There is very pathetic Internet connection, so please do not expect me to be online all the time. I'll still be contactable through handphone, so I forsee no problems. Just don't expect hasty replies to emails. Hasty equals call me.

"Looking for the light in the tunnel. Tell me if you do find it."

Blunt

Playlist

Flower by Gackt

I want you to be happy, not because I have this belief that everyone has to be happy, but because I like your smile. I like it when you smile at the silly things I say on purpose, and when you laugh at the things that always unluckily happen to me. I like the way we share inside jokes about people we know and don't know, and how we understand how the other person thinks and functions. I like the sense of comfort and security, and the sense that everytime we're together will be another adventure. It doesn't matter if your family isn't well-to-do, it doesn't matter if you're not the smartest nor the brightest nor the most fantastic. To me, I'm happy to be with you every opportunity I get. So let's stay together forever alright? Let's not allow environmental circumstances dictate the way we interact. Let's not allow the people around us to decide if what we have is 'real'. Let's not allow our doubts cloud our belief of each other. And most of all, let's not start wondering why we're in this sort of relationship in the first place. Okay?

I think I'm not a person who is easy to get along with. I say sharp things bluntly (though some will say blunt is an understatement), and I have a low tolerance level for pretentious people and stupidity. I get bored easily, and I will demand what I want from others. I can be very aggressive, and I refuse to compromise on my values and beliefs. I have high standards, and I expect them to be met. I'm stubborn, hard-headed, rude, blunt... And I have no compassion for other people. Charity? Love? I am indifferent to the suffering of people outside my immediate sphere. I'm considerate, because I don't like dirty and messy things. I don't like to waste resources, and I hate pollutants. People who drink and smoke are tolerated because they help to shoulder my taxes, and I absolutely despise people who do nothing but try to fade into the wallpaper. Hit me, and I'll bite back. Steal things from me, and I'll tear your head off. I won't allow myself to be bullied or overlooked, and will gladly stand my ground to tough it out. In short? I'm prickly, and most people won't want to even WANT to get along with me after the initial 30 minutes, if they can even last that long.

But to my friends, I'm mad loyal. To the people I love, I'd brave hell, high water (though I'd probably drown) and whatever nonsense you throw at me to give them what they want and need and expect. I'd stand by you no matter what happens, and I'd be there should you need a hand. I'd forgive mistakes and errors because I love you, and an apology will usually get you further than you expect. I'll be your everything, if you give me a chance to be...

I just realised I typed all that without pause. Reads like a freaking CONFESSION. Oh well. Isn't every relationship a confession of sorts? An admittance that you want the presence of a certain person? A declaration that that person is on the same side as you? A hope that others will acknowledge the bond and link between the both of you? Even the people who are best friends with their own selves are using this concept. At the end of it all, we need understanding, and the acceptance that comes with knowing that even if you think you're weird and everyone thinks that you're weird... You're still accepted, and more importantly, loved.

WOW. This actually seems to make sense? HAHA.

"Alive, not mortal overmuch... Dying, not vital overmuch..."

Space

Playlist

Calling by FLOW

I think I'm going to work myself into a lil corner and later suffer from depression when I can't get out of the hole that I dug myself into. Stupid, but I think I have a tendency to do such nonsensical stuff to myself. For all that I claim to be, I think there are times when I wonder if I'm actually really stupid for doing such silly things to make my life more difficult than it already is... Things like joining a CCA that gives me bruises that number in tens. Things like signing up to do stupid things that will increase the number of injuries on my poor fingers. Things like making promises to irritating people because you have no alternative but to work with them URGH. Growing up stinks.

On to better things... My playlist is now by FLOW. Japanese band. More of a pop/rock sound. Some of their songs are pretty good, but others are just plain boring. The good thing is that I like the type of voice that the main vocalist has. Bad thing is that it doesn't really work well other than as background music. Oh well. You can't have a great playlist every day, the same way you can't have wonderful weather every day. I think I have pretty decent songs? I'd rate my music library an 8 out of 10. Not super awesome, as there are times when I skip 10 songs in a row when the music does not seem to fit my mood. More often than not, however, I think I enjoy my music. So yes, 8 out of 10. Not bad for someone who has pretty extreme internal mood swings (Its called internal for a reason, you can't tell, only my Tofu knows as I skip song after song and scroll up and down and down and up to search for that ONE song.) and needs music that matches. Life. HAHA.

Anyway, my brother moved out of the bedroom and hyde and Laraku and SID moved in! HAHA. I immediately enshrined them on the glass of my cupboard and sliding door. AWESOME MAX! HAHA. There's now a lot of space in the middle of the room with one bed gone. Kinda strange to be in the room alone after almost 2 years (?) with my brother. I think he's at the age where he needs more space. I think he's more conscious of the fact that I'm a girl than I am of the fact that he is a guy? To me, my brother will always be my Smacky. So it doesn't really make a difference to me. But yes. There is now SPACE. A lot of space, that I have no idea where to put my stuff. I want to maintain the neatness of my room. Everytime I move the cupboard, I throw away stuff that I've not touched since the previous time I packed. This time round? 2 bags of rubbish. People who know me well should know how anal I can be. Everything needs to be neat and tidy and IN LINE. I will scream and chop the person who messes up my area. Drip water on my floor? Put random objects on my cupboard or bed? Leave things on my floor? Clothes in a pile? I WILL HOLLER AT YOU. ANYWAY. My cupboard is now nice and empty, and the room is HUGE. I like~ Cleanliness and neatness is next to godliness.

The most irritating thing is that there's the GSS now. But I'm stuck with CIP and prop making and CCA for the next 2 weeks at least. I feel so deprived. I want to break the monotony of what I'm doing. Its like this: wake up, breakfast, go for CIP/ prop making, go for CCA, go home. BORING. I need new clothes for the new term. I need to clear out my cupboard. I need to repaint my room. OMG. So dead. So many things to do and so little time. I need to get a change in environment. Things are making me feel stifled and depressed. I shall be more positive!

"Please answer this call..."

Problem

Playlist

Sara by Matenrou Opera

I don't like problems. No matter what people say about challenges being character building and whatnot, I really really dislike problems. Some might feel that this is an obvious fact, (Who in their right minds would like problems?) but the truth is that there are people who DO like problems. Oh sure, these people SAY that they dislike problems, but according to my astute observational skills and with a little bit of low level imagination, I think there are those who revel in problems.

For the record, in case you were daydreaming while reading the previous paragragh, I DO NOT LIKE PROBLEMS. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel like I'm trapped and helpess to do anything but to go with the flow and pray hard that something decent sprouts out from all the nonsense that I've been hurled. Absolutely detestable.  Nevertheless, for the sake of something called image, I think I've learnt to not show these feelings. I won't give you a sad face when I'm talking about my problems. I will smile and gestulate energetically. I'll laugh at the situation, and reduce the severity of it all. Better yet, I'll let you talk about your problems, and let mine take a back seat even if all you have are trivialities. After all, your problems are far off and distant, or something that I've experienced before. I'll give you a rational answer, wishing that you won't ask "What about you?".

I'm not sure if this is something that seems ironic. Or confusing. I think my recent blogs have been chronicling a constant flux of perspectives. Yes, it is all from me, but I realise thta I have changed the subject, object and tone as I go along. Its as if the different parts of myself that I keep seperated are started to bleed into each other. Its fine on my blog, but in real life, I can safely say that it would be very very troublesome. I should do something about this. While it keeps the bare truth hidden, I'm afraid that I'll be hiding more than I ought to?

In a most peculair state of mind. I think it is rather obvious to anyone who has constantly been in contatc with me or reading my blog. As mentioned, in a state of flux. Give me some time and I'll deal with it. I'll go back to my inane complaints about people and pathetic new experiences that I've gathered. Somedays, I wonder why I feel like writing when the content is so silly. Well, I hope someone out there who reads this will feel happier knowning that the owner of this blog is more ridiculous than them. All in a day's work for a charitable and generous person. Like me.

"Even if I were to disappear from this world, the fact that I have existed will never cease to be..."

Brief

Playlist

Lollipop by 2NE1 ft. BIG BANG

Suddenly on a Korean song craze. Not sure why, but I think that interceding Japanese and Korean songs makes for great listening. I think its because of the difference in the structure of the songs and language. Its amusing how 2 languages that started from Chinese could have evolved to be so different, yet still so beautiful. I guess I like Asian languages best. Nothing too guttural and sharp. Nice and fluid~

I'm pretty tired these few days. Dog tired. Exhausted. I think most of it is from the CIP camp that I just returned from, but I guess I'm also sick of my life. Not that I'm suicidal, more of sick of my lifestyle. I feel that there is a lack of meaning, and I'm not really able to connect with anyone. Everyone seems so busy, or so afflicted with their own demons to help you slay yours. Even if there were no evils to be conquered, I think as a social animal, I need constant interaction with others to keep going. I'm half introverted and half extroverted, so while I hate huge parties, being a solitary creature for an extended period of time is detrimental to my health too. By extended period I mean something like a WEEK. I can survive on acquaintances for about 2 weeks, but after the first week, I start to exhibit signs of stress. I guess I'm high maintenance in this way? HAHA.

We've all wondered if there are things we do that are worth it. And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder if everything that I'm doing is nothing more than an exercise in futility. (I need to thank Whitby for teaching me this.) Especially when I wake up with aching muscles, walk over to the bathroom and see the cuts and bruises... I wonder if I'm doing something that is worth all these. Come on, I think there's something wrong if I'm using knee guards and wrist guards every waking moment. And I'm taking so much Vitamin C that its s good thing that you can't overdose on it. If I was more self-concious about my body, I think all the bruises will freak me out, after all at last count, I have 10.

"Searching for that something extra..."

Recall

Playlist

NPS NGS by Malice Mizer

HAHA. Yes, I'm listening to a song that was released more than a decade ago. Not sure why, but I really like the combination of Mana's composition and Gackt's voice. It gives a consistently high level of 'ooh'ness. Not that Klaha's voice isn't great, but there are some songs which are just... Not as interesting. Strangely, after Malice disbanded, I never really liked any of Mana's other compositions. I guess Malice was his musical creative peak to me? The new style of Mois is not Tofu-able.

My new favourite band is D=Out, as anyone who reads my Tumblr will know. They always seem to be having fun and the lack of English words in their songs make the band very appealing. They have this rather jazzy feel (jazz and rock, WOW) that makes for easy listening. Kouki's voice may be too nasal for many at first listening, but it grows on you. He has this hyena voice, and his laugh is kinda creepy (sounds FAMILIAR no?). But when he sings... I'd be lying if I said that there are no traces of his hyena voice, but its good. Very different from most other vocalists. Most singers tend to have a smooth voice, no matter the pitch. Kouki, however has a slightly husky nasal voice. Weird combination? Yeah, its not very obvious, but its there. Not very husky, but not smooth, especially when he encounters choppy sounds (OMG I forgot the name of the sound! Whitby will have MY HEAD!). In all? Listen to D=Out! (shameless plug!)

I feel like creating a list. Something along the lines of "Top 10 Things That I Cannot Do Without". Or something like "Top 10 Songs That I Listen to When I'm Gyming". Or maybe something like "Top 10 Ways to TOTALLY Piss Me Off". I'm not sure why, but I'm in the mood for lists. I think with humour and some simple organisation with formatting, lists can make fun reading. Better than typing lengthy chunks of prose with no markers as to the next transition that I will undertake. At least with a list, if I say that there are 10 items, you'd read 10 paragraphs of text in order to get to the end of that list. No need to structure my post in such a way that I can retain your attention. I mean, each post takes, on average, 30 odd minutes to type. So if you get bored, I'd feel feel very sad. And angry. And disappointed that I can't get your attention. Call me high maintenance and whatnot, but the truth is, I DO think and try to structure my post OKAYSSS~ I've received a lot of feedback that I'm actually this long-winded middle aged woman masquerading as a 'happening' young lass. My reaction, was somewhere between shock, horror and amusement. I'm not sure how the scale for this would work, but yeah, just to let you know, I'm 20. Yeah. Pretend you did not see that number. I'm young (compared to most other human beings) and I am unsure about how cool I am. I don't think I'm cool, more like... Strange. If someone was to say I was 'cool', I think I would pretend to be happy and be morbidly affronted. My reaction would probably be along "WTHELL? I'M COOL? Since when! Are you sure you're talking about me and not my non-existent twin? I'm COOL? In which parallel universe or alternate dimension did you come from? HOMG! Do you need a DOCTOR?!" Kinda pathetic eh? Someone says that you're cool, its suppose to be a compliment, but you react as if you've just been told you've got cancer. Oh well.

I think I might be overworking my body. Chair potato that I am have been training 3 times a week for the past few weeks. Like the good cheerleader that I'm supposed to be. YEAH. Laugh, go ahead and laugh. The fact of the matter is that this afternoon, I had a 3 hour nap. I'm only calling it a nap because I don't have a term for bouts of sleeping that is neither long nor short. It was pretty deep sleep (had a really weird and psychedelic dream that I cannot describe) and I think I might have slept all the way to tomorrow if my mum had not dragged me out of bed. I guess tired doesn't really cover it anymore. Both physical and mental stress. Muscle aches and mental gymnastics trying to figure out a way to divide my time between cosplay and school. It seems simple, but there are soooo many sub-divisions that I cannot be bothered to break it out here. Conclusion, I'm tired.

Now for the Top 10! What shall it be? MOVIES~

My Top 10 Favourite Movies of ALL TIME~

10) My Fair Lady. Funny. Teaches you English pronounciation. Audrey Hepburn. Smart movie.

9) Howl's Moving Castle. Realistic. Prince Charming turns out to be useless. Cool talking lump of charcoal. Nice voice acting. Hayao Miyazaki. WATCH!

8) Stephen Chow's Pandora Box movie. (For the life of me, I can't remember the title!) FUNNY. Pointless. Stephen Chow. Lame jokes. Lame-r jokes. Stupid things.

7) Romeo + Juliet. Classic remixed. Lines from the play in a movie. Smart movie. Cool effects. Good screenplay. "Draw thy sword!".

6) Heartbreak Library. Very sweet and sad. Romantic without being cheesy and corny. Makes you want to believe in people again.

5) MOON CHILD. hyde. Gackt. Gunfire. Gunfire. MORE GUNFIRE. Big brother and little brother. Sad song. Touching moments. Plot twists. 'Nuff said.

4) Nodame Cantabile. HILARIOUS. Stupid. Sad. Sweet. Funny. SPOOF-ish. Dancing squirrels. Music. Priceless facial expressions.

3) Spirited Away. Hayao Miyazaki. DRAGONS! Crying babies. Sweet, sweet inter species love. DRAGONS. PIGS! MAD funny.

2) Antique Bakery. Gay guys never looked this HAWT. Cakes never looked so YUMMY. Kim Jae Wook is absolute delish! As yummy as the stuff he makes~

1) Still looking! Anti-climatic eh? HAHA~

So there we have it. The LIST. WOW. Its way shorter than I thought it would be. Maybe I should list my favourite songs next. I bet that would be a head scratching, hair tearing and grimacing experience. Music is a mood thing~

"I won't regret loving you, so leave, because all that is left are the good memories..."

Role

Playlist

Sunrise by D=Out

I was not going to blog about this incident, because I felt that it would have been akin to a mindless rant. No added value to anyone who reads it. Nevertheless, when I woke up this morning with aching biceps, upper torso, back and thigh muscles, I just  could not resist the urge to blog about this. I've given it about 12 hours to get the immediate anger out of my system, so now... I'm gonna preach. YEAH. Stop reading if you're in no mood to continue.

Like I've mentioned somewhere in my blog some months ago, I spent 10 years in an all-girls' education system. The next 2 years in junior college was almost the same, with guys numbering 4 out of the 26 students in my class. Not a really balanced environment I know, but it did teach me one very important thing: You are only as good as what you believe. What do I mean by this? 

Even in junior college, there was a slight culture shock when dealing with others, especially girls from a co-education schools. Its only in a mixed environment that you realise the presence of gender roles, and the most surprising thing is that these roles are usually self imposed! Teachers will tell the boys to move the tables and the girls stand aside, even if you only have 4 guys and 30 plus tables to move. I'm sure it can be attributed to sheer laziness on the part of the girls to sit there and wait for the guys to move all the 30 plus tables up 3 flights of stairs. About 8 times each. With a table in hand. Up 3 flights of stairs. If I was one of my male classmates, I would have screamed bloddy murder. Of course, the guys kept quiet (though I could see they wanted to protest), and the girls kept quiet and we watched those poor boys slaving away.

Knowing me? HAHA. I stood up after the boys were gone and decided to contrubute. I mean, I've arms and legs. I'm healthy and fit. I might not have the stamina like the guys, but if I clear 4 tables, thats one table less for each guy! And if a few more of my classmates, who were healthy and fit decided to contribute? The reaction of the girls was very amusing. There were a few like me who started to move the tables, while the rest continued chatting away on their perch. Later, I overheard one of those girls saying:" I don't understand why girls have to carry tables and chairs?! Its so tiring! Leave it to the guys!" My response? WTFISHCAKE.

The implications and undertones are so infuriating. Its like saying 1) Guys are meant to perform manual labour, 2) Girls should never perform manual labour, 3) Guys don't find manual labour tiring, and the more sublimal messages are a) I should not be carrying heavy (The table was around 1kg? Or less?) b) The guys are meant to do these kind of things for me. Of course, I find all these really silly and mind-numbingly infantile. Go find yourself a boyfriend who will carry everything and do everything for you for the next 50 years. You can just sit there and wait. I prefer to get things done my own way at my own time. None of my business. Well, that was what I thought until yesterday. At cheer.

I'm not going to bore you with MORE details (The previous few paragraphs must have been a HUGE BORE). Lets just say there was a new girl, quite skinny, a bit pretty, super bimbotic. We made her a backspot because of her height, but boy, was that a HUGE mistake. She was shying away from the flyer all the time. And the first time the flyer fell? She huddled into a corner. She was supposed to save the flyer who was falling from a height of 1.2 metres and she ducked away."I'm scared!" Sure. So am I, looking at the way you spot. Told her to help load the flyer? "Oh my, she's so heavy!" Excuse me, I'm carrying her weight! All you need to do is help me load her! Asked her to balance the flyer by holding on to her ankles? "Her feet are dirty!" Well, I'm holding the BOTTOM OF HER SHOE? Flyer fell and brushed against her (cause she was too busy ducking away)? "My face hurts! I think its swollen! What am I going to do? It hurts!" Yeah, my flyer hurts too cause she just slammed onto the floor, free fall mind you because of said useless girl, for the 5th time? HAHA.

So I decided to backspot instead and swopped her to base. The reasoning was that even if the flyer fell through her hands, I could probably rescue the flyer. Her aghast face that she was going to be 'stepped upon' must have been worth a few thousand dollars at least. It was slightly better, but I felt like it was just one base and one backspot holding the flyer up. Because honestly? I was pretty much doing whatever I could do keep the weight off her hands just in case she decided to give up. That girl should be kicked off the team. If you're so weak that you can't even backspot, I don't think you'll have the strength to hold for prep as a flyer either. More importantly? I think If I based you, I'd be inclined to work less hard. Much less harder.

All flyers are the same to me. It doesn't matter if you're the bitch who made my friends cry or the super nice girl who really listens and tries hard. I'll save you all the same because I don't think anyone should break their spine or ribs or anywhere else because I was too lazy or too weak to rescue them. If I wanted to exact revenge, I'd drop you when you're loading up, or give you less momentum at pop so that you'll have to work more. Nothing that will send you to the hospital. I'm not evil. I won't run away because by getting up there, you're trusting me to catch you when you fall. I won't betray that trust, but if you can't respect others and show others that you are worthy of trust... Get out of the team before something bad happens, BIMBOTIC BITCH.

"What a lousy way to start my June... SIGHS. So busy~"

Cookie

Playlist

明星オリオン by D=Out

I smell like butter and sugar. Yes, I've showered, but the cloying smell seems to have seeped into my pores. My hair smells like shampoo and my skin smells like soap, but under all these, its the smell of sugar and butter. As if while baking, I was soaking in the scents in the kitchen as well. Its not that I hate it, just that I'm not used to smelling like food. I usually eat food. Not smell like food. Not the delectable kind of girl. More of the kind of girl you'd avoid being with because I'm not cute nor amusing. I'm more if the type who's like a cat. Faintly interesting and seemingly concerned about you, but you'll never reach my core. For all my smiles and hugs and glomps, how many people can claim to know me? If you've been to my house, I guess you'd probably be able to say that you're a friend. All the others? I have no idea? Somewhere in the various gray areas I suppose? If you have to sincerely ask... *smiles*

Anyway, the cookies are pretty good, if you like them a wee bit charred and crunchy. Plenty of filling and slightly sweet. Overall, I think I did a pretty decent job for someone who has not used the oven for more than a year. Tell me if you want some? I'll pass them to you, as long as there are still some left. Whilst stocks last~

I think I'm in this weird state of mind now. I refuse to let it be June, simply because time is passing too fast. I fear July and the administrative things that i will have to do for school with it. Disgusting. Another year to fight through and struggle with. I must have been mentally retarded when I made my choice. Yes, distance is a non-issue, but the workload is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. It makes you wonder if suicide is worth it because of the sheer amount of work that will be left over. You're actually worried if the work will haunt you even after you die. You cannot fall ill. You cannot take a break, because the work will pile up. I'm going to say something random now, and that is that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, much less get married and have kids. Its not the lack of boyfriend and potential spouses that I'm worried about. I really really want a child. Not now, but in the near future. As in, within the next ten years, so its more of a long term plan to most, but what is ten years to me? Random much? I've yet to meet anyone that I'm interested in anyway. Sure, there are good looking guys here and there, nice guys someplace around and all the other types elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've yet to come across someone that makes me feel 'I can work with you in the long run', much less 'I can't do without you'. Pathetic eh?

Sometimes I'm really jealous of the people around me. I want to grab them and shake them really hard and yell at them to appreciate the things that they are taking for granted. Then again, there are likely to be people who wish to do the same to me? I would not be too surprised if there really were people who think I'm a spoilt princess who takes everythting that I possess for granted. Personally, while I joke that I am my father's princess, deep in my heart, there's this sense of uncertainty whenever I say it. If something is the truth, there is this weight when you say it. Well, its not like the declaration of my princess-hood is utterly unture, although there are elements of it for sure. After all, which princess you know would clean the floor, do the laundry, run errands... MY GPA stinks. I want a better GPA. So I shall work harder (and smarter towards a better GPA). So what if I can qualify for the better exchange programmes? With only 3 to 5 places a year, cometition is tough! I will definitely get into that particular programme. After all, its what I want~

This seems like a short post. I suppose I'm sick and tired of posting this? Sometimes, there are just some things that will not do well to be mentioned in a blog. The nature of what needs to be said might require it to be carried away with the wind. And I should stop my bad habit of passing off my thoughts and opinions as that of others. I lose out on the credit, and there is no risk. Not enjoyable. Too safe. And there's going to be a Koi Bubble Tea store at Iluma~

"If I could embrace you and never let you go..."