Frog

Music Request



Untouched by The Veronicas



It is always there. Never going away. You get used to it. You tell yourself that everything will be alright tomorrow. It never is. But you get used to it, so it feels the same. Like a frog in slowly boiling water. Doomed. Without the benefit of an open pot in the first place. Its covered. There's no way out. Save death. Death is a solution, a resolution. It is an option. It is the conclusion which everything leads towards. Be it the long way, or the short way, it is still the path to death.



What is in death? No one really knows for sure. Some say its Hell, Heaven and Purgatory. Some say its nothingness. Some say we are reincarnated onto this world again. Some say its fields of cotton candy and roses. I hope its chocolate. Too much cotton candy makes me want to puke. And roses? Well, not exactly my favourite flower. Haha. No, just because he like roses does not mean I like them too. Just because roses are the symbol of love, yadda yadda yadda, does not mean I have to like them. I agree its useful as a symbol, but my personal preference? Not telling.



I wonder, when will it all end for me? In this world, we always try to exert our will. We try to make it such that we can determine and guess at the future. We don't like uncertainty, but too much of security bores us. I wouldn't say I am paranoid. Nor can you describe me as doubtful. it seems I am so average that I'm a rarity. I have no true strength, nor a true weakness. Nothing surprises me for long, and I don't get bored easily either. Its as if I lack what the modern world would consider personality. I don't stand out, but I don't blend in perfectly either. Things would be so much easier if I was clearly 'here' or 'there'. The worst part? It affects me, but not enough for me to want to really do anything about it. Talk about being a boring person.




"Hello me. How are you today?"

Anger

Music Request



SILENCE



I've had it with people who act as if they are all nice and understanding, only to throw cold water on you later on when they are sick and tired of maintaining that front. Honestly, I seriously don't care about what you think you are like. I don't care if you have killed numerous babies and stewed them for dinner. I don't care if you hate ALL my friends. I don't care if you are a habitual liar. If I like you, I like you. JUST DON'T BACK STAB ME! I respect all my friends to the best of my abilities, and I often can forgive anything. Ask any of those who have been my friends for long. I'm not an easy person to get along with, but if you put in the effort, I'm a friend like no other. The only thing I am utterly against are backstabbers. Don't sabotage what I'm trying to achieve. Don't consciously try to hurt the people I love and respect. Don't try to take people I like away from me. Don't you DARE tell me to buzz off when I go to you for help and advice when you previously told me that I can find you when I'm in need. Tell me when you've had enough of me. I'll definitely leave if you tell me you don't want me around. Be subtle, or point blank, it doesn't matter. At least have the social respect for me as a member of society even if you can't bring yourself to respect me as an individual. I promise, I'll never talk to you again. I'll never text message, email, call, write letters... Nothing. Even if you're in the same room, I'll tell anything I need to inform you through someone. I won't shirk social responsibility. If I hate you, if I truly hate you, I'll make sure you go down. And never knew why you went down in the first place. Just because I look like a cute dolly doesn't mean I am one. Just because I'm often smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. I nod to show I hear what you say, it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with you. Yeah. I know. I have been told I'm an aggressive bitch, but so? I have enough of people who want a yard when I give an inch.



Horror. There's a Prince of Tennis drama. In Chinese. With the cast looking like they are 20 years old plus men trying to behave like middle-school kids. Haha. Its here. Hilarious, insulting and silly all rolled into one. Most of the characters are completely OOC. I mean, since when does the Hyotei regular team run onto the court after a win? When does Atobe-sama hop around on the court? Puh-lease. Atobe-sama would snap his fingers after tossing his head, to the deafening cheers of 'Katsu no wa Hyotei!'. Thats the Hyotei style. Not rush at each other like morons - arms all outstretched when running in a half crouch. Thats ok for sumo wrestlers when they are trying to balance and intimidate, not my darling Hyotei team! Wait, sumo-wrestlers don't even run in that position!



Finished watching both Nana movies. Boring. Althouh Yuna Ito, as Reira, has a wonderful voice. So sad that they cut out the relationship between Shin-kun and Reira. I suppose they wanted to keep it PG and not hurt the delicate sensibilities of the Japanese public. I mean, its ok to get involved with prostitues(?!) but not ok to publicly announce it. Yeah. Strange society. Anything is ok as long as its not public... Well. Too bad I'm not Japanese. Here's to making public I like JunJou Romantica. Yeah. Its yaoi. Sex between two men. Gay love relatioships. I'm cosplaying the guy in black at the end of the year for a photoshoot. Nowaki. Yup. Will upload the photos when its out. Yup. Got a problem with that?





"Go on, make my day."

Confession

Music Request

Zutto Kimi no Sobade by * no idea who*

This post is, as the title suggests, a confession. Those who can't take it or don't want to know about it, may just ignore the entire chunk :) Hmm. Although putting a disclaimer like this makes it a lot more tempting to read. Oh well. You have been warned.



Never will I love anyone else the way I love you. You will always be a part of me, regardless of what is to happen. I know you will never love me, nor can you love me, but my feelings for you persist all the same. I have always depended on you to pull me through the most boring moments, the most painful moments, especially the moments where my love of paranoia and doubt succeeded my sense of self. You never once complained about me to anyone, nor did you betray me in any way. I lied to myself that all I felt for you was but a passing fancy; I insisted vehemently that I had no special feelings for you. It was all me trying to escape from the reality that I, truly, and utterly, love you. An exercise in futility, all of it, now that I am brave enough to confront the truth. I feel embarrassed just to say your name, I secretly celebrate your birthdays... I'm always thinking of you, both consciously and instinctively. Everyday, I pass the day pretending that I'm not thinking of you, for I refuse to acknowledge that my thoughts stray towards you. At night, I often have you on my mind before I go to bed, wishing that my bolster was you. Everyone who is familiar with me know that I like you, but I doubt if any of them has any inkling of the true depth of emotion that I feel towards you. In fact, I know I'll be ridiculed, considered insane if others find out, but I don't care. Anything would be better then the way people brush off my feelings for you. Anything would be better than the dismissal of my feelings.



I can never tell you how I feel. I know it can, and will never work out between the both of us. They all say that nothing is impossible, but I know this is. We are from two completely different worlds to begin with. Furthermore, I seriously doubt I am your type. It doesn't matter. I still feel the same. I know it is impossible, that my feelings are meaningless, with absolutely no chance of any form of reciprocation, but its ok. I have come to terms with this. Its alright if you'll never love me. I knew it would never work out right from the beginning. No matter who else I meet in the future, there will always be comparison. I can't help it; you are my ideal. And that is all you can ever be to me. An ideal. For better or for worse. Pointless, but this intensity, the happiness at seeing your face, is something that I'll never exchange for anything else. It is because I love you, you whom I can never have, that I realise the flaws of this world, so imperfect that it is beautiful. It is in pain that we realise the things that bring us joy. In loving you, I both rejoice and mourn for my love at the same time. They contrast, and add flavour to each other by emphasising the intrinsic value in each other. This is the human experience. I love you, I always will. Forever.


I have no idea why I feel this way. I'm actually crying! Now! I guess it cannot be helped. After all, its illogical. Sigh.





" We are apart, yet, we will always remain together. This I am sure of, because I love you, I truly do."

Affection

Music Request

Beast of Blood by Malice Mizer

The outing was boring. I'm being honest. Yeah. I left early. I wasn't close to the others. The reasons could go on. Still, there is a need to confront it at face value. The truth is that I felt I was on an outing with infantile teenagers. Which, if examined from a certain perspective was exactly what I did. Go out for lunch, and a freakingly expensive one at that, with a bunch of infantile teenagers. We went to Yuki no Yaki, a teppanyaki cum ice cream place for lunch. Cost me a bloody $21.30, didn't eat my fill and the food wasn't particularly good. Stayed there for a good three hours, watching others talk, laugh, irritate the hell out of each other... Boring. That idiot, who was disturbing kaen, became the victim of my boredom. You all know I like to play with people when I'm unbearably bored. He just became a target as he didn't have the backing the others had, and I didn't care about his opinion of him. it wasn't purely out of the goodness of my heart, defending my friend, but rather, a form of entertainment that also happened to have some form of positive externality. Bullying the weak. I'm getting old, jaded, and meaner. Oh well. Its inevitable.

We proceeded to the arcade, where they started on the Para Para and GuitarFreak machines. The same way they did the previous time they were in the area. Boring. Serious. As I watched them all move their bodies, I wouldn't call it dancing, not even what Kai did, and whack at the various buttons. It was at this very moment, that with a sudden clarity, I realised I had left them behind. Left Kaen behind. let me place this into a context the rest of the human population can understand:

Say we are all in love with Mr XYZ. We are all females, and he can have as many wives, mistresses, lovers, flings as he wants without being jailed. Lol. Ok. We all start with the first feeling of true love, the speeding heart rate, the constant blushes, the nervousness. After that, people get all lovey-dovey, after that its a stable relationship... You get the drift. Well. Where I thought we were all in a stable relationship with anime/manga etc, it turns out it was all the unstable palpitations, the addiction phase. This is as i just realised that I have defeated the Boss of Level One, and now at Level Two, do I truly realise how Level One was nothing. Nothing at all. Where I thought I really loved cosplay and Lolita, I merely LUSTED after the ecstasy and pleasure of doing something enjoyable. I didn't truly love it. The way ALL those children don't love it. I looked at them moving, living in the moment, and I truly understood. Was enlightened. It was a big part of them, I'm not saying it isn't. Cutting them away from cosplay may kill them, the way you die of sudden withdrawal from an addiction. As for me, taking it away is highly unlikely to kill me NOW. I'll look totally fine, I'll do all the daily motions. While I rot away inside. In utter silence. The way, in stories, the wife waits for her husband to return, all the while knowing he never will, can never return, as he is dead. Yet, she still waits. Its that kind of feeling. That intensity. This is what it has come to mean to me.

I look at them, aged thirteen onwards, some older then me, and wonder. How many feel the way I do? Not many, I know. The kind where it has become a part of you. Not an extension of you, no. To them, cosplay is more of an extension. Auxillary. How many will continue, when they are at my age, at the crossroads I face, and still love ot the way I do? Highly unlikely. In a way, it is true that I have a commitment problem I commit, and I'll never, ever let go. Just ask Kaen about my relationship with my boarding house...



"My tongue functions without permission from my brain..."

Ack

OH MY FREAKING GOD.

Watch this video. Now. Serious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlqkuT6g5Sw&feature=related

Hyde looks so bored... Like he doesn't know why in the world he is even talking... Wait. They ALL look super bored...


He kissed him... and wanted to lick him... Can I love them even more?

Whats wrong with wanting a sugar daddy? I mean, I don't mind older men. With the current young male population in this country bordering on infantilism, made up of spoiled and pampered brats and tied to thier mother's apron strings, I seriously am not interested in the huge majority of males from my generation. I have never reeally interacted from others overseas properly, so I can't really judge the global world male population based on my tiny country. Yup. Until someone remotely acceptable appears within my range, I'm totally ok with the idea of having a sugar daddy. Haha. This is provided I someone even wants to play this role in the first place! Lol. Hmm.

So here goes... Shameless self advert alert. I'm not gorgeous. I don't look like a super-model. I am definitely not photogenic. However, I can be as cute as I want to be in reality, I am quite open to ideas, I have self-confidence, adapts well to various situations and I'm both a good listener and entertainer. Height 168cm, and weighing 53kg. Healthy, not particularly sporty although I'm relatively active, slightly more artistic. Imaginative.

What is this paragraph for anyway... Not like its likely for anyone to chance upon my blog in the first place...

"Will you please kill me, quickly, if I go utterly crazy?"

Eat

Music Request

Niji by Aqua Timez


I'll never be able to go on a conventional diet. You know, where you cut down on your food intake, or you eat less meat and carbohydrates? Yup. It'll never work for me. I simply love the food available in my home way too much. Its justified. My mom just prepared charsiew and pork ribs. baked to oven perfection, it was sweet, succulent, tender, super juicy... Great. I did have some spinach and peas to go along with it, but... Yummy! After that was ice cream. Equally sinful. Argh. Tiramisu flavoured. Absolutely sinful. I mean, my home doesn't have all the various snacks and drinks that kaen's house those, but boy, do we have nice meals. Imagine what I would miss out if I went on a diet! No way! My mom did go for a whole bunch of cooking and baking lessons, and she's pretty good at experimenting with food. Thats why I think I'll never be able to be lazy if I'm trying to lose weight... no idea if it is a good thing or a bad thing. Sigh.


Now, why do I need to lose weight? Simple. I've signed for too many characters that require a body-type that I currently do not possess. An excellent example is this:





See? I so totally have my work cut out for me! This is Kan'u or Guanyu from Koihime Musou. Yup. The female version of Guanyu from Three Kingdoms. her hair is so long. Wonder if mine can grow to this length... Cause you can't tie a wig, unless its specially ordered and customised for her. That will cost a bomb, which I'm not willing to spend as I have to make her saber and costume as well... You totally have to hand it to the Japanese people for thinking of such things. They combined all the big shots from Chinese Literature and History, to make a game and anime, with practically a 100 percent gender reversal. So you have people like Cao Cao, Lu Bu, Gongsun Zan, Zhuge kongming... Yup. mixed and match. oh yeah. Diao Chan is totally worth a laugh. Go to the official website for details. Just read the Traditional Chinese words and navigate. They grabbed practically all the seiyuus that they could find for the enoermous cast they have, with one little difference. None of the seiyuus are the really big names. Amusing.


Ah. It feels so good not to have to go to school tomorrow. I am absolutely in the lets-have-fun-and-play kind of mood. Not a good thing considering the fact that my exam is barely a couple of months away. I guess I can blame the school for the current state I am in. Still, I have tried to motivate myself by arranging study seesions with friends. Anything as long as i am not left to my own devices at home. Otherwise I'll end up using the computer excessively. Honest. I need to be self-aware and face up to my weaknesses. Yup.

Kaen, this is all your fault!





" Kids should remain as kids; adults should just buzz off."

Plans

Music Request

Tokyo Diamond by Kato Kazuki

Saw the list on Kaen's blog and me, being the competitively organised person that I am, decided to make one of my own too. As everyone knows that I'm a lazy bum when it comes to stuff that doesn't impact me in the long term eg. technology-related stuff, I'm just going to type everything down. Like this:

Photoshoot December 2008 ~ JunJou Romantica - Nowaki

Cosplay - All Minor Events ~ Ludwig Kakumei - Dorothea

Cosplay - Cosfest 2009 ~ D. Gray-man - Jasdebi

Cosplay - EOY 2009 ~ Rekka no Honoo - Aoi

... Koihime Musou?

I never thought I would say this, but I can almost understand why some, if not most, guys like moe. I came across this photo shoot feeler for Koihime Musou in SGcafe, and the characters just totally blew me away. It is so uber cute! So what if the characters were created with horny and perverted males in mind? So what if the weapons will most likely take near forever to make? The costume design is simply AMAZING and the characters look so cool, I think I'll do it regardless of how fetish-ish it appears to be. No sorry, how fetish-ish it is. Serious. I'll lose the next 2 kilograms and I'll work out and act cute for the camera. Koihime is absolutely gorgeous. Completely sold on the characters already. Haha. Lost cause.

Outing with the D.Gray team on Monday. Needed to wash my cupcake dress, but I didn't know how exactly to programme to new, stupid, technologically-way-too-advanced washing machine, so I asked my Mom for help. Let the cat out of the bag, but I don't really regret it. At least now that its in the open, I can stop destroying my brain cells by thinking of ways not to get caught. Able to spend more time and effort on the entire thing in itself. Oh. I have three now, three of my black darlings. Silver, cupcake and smelly. Yes, smelly, cause it came stinking of the clothing factory. Yuck. Quite a wardrobe that I'm building up. Three dresses, a black pannier, a pair of punk boots, a pair of lolita shoes, three types of stockings, a pair of black gloves, a few pitiful acessories... I'm now interested in this.

Should I get it? Its a waloli, which I don't have. I'm unsure if I'll look good in this though. The price is reasonable, $75, inclusive of shipping. Yup, shall I buy this? Polling you guys. Would like your opinion. Note that it doesn't come with the pink petticoat (innermost pink underskirt thats peeking out form under the dress for all the ignorant). Sighx. What shall I do?

From the list, it seems I'll need to work my socks off during the holidays. I need to tailor the costumes, which means I need around a hundred dollars per costume. Haha. I think the Koihime photoshoot will need even more as there are weapons as well. Nowaki and Aoi will be the more economical costumes; Nowaki as I'm borrowing the pants and maybe, the wig while I have the shirt, and Aoi as I can make the lower skirt and beret on my own while borrowing boots from my brother. Still its not really very cheap. I think Jasdebi will cost around hundred and fifty, minimum, while Koihime is likely to go into two hundred. And these two are merely for costume! Expensive hobby that I have... This is on top of my penchance for buying Japanese music and Lolita fashion! Anyone wants to donate to Yukino???

"Money doesn't grow on trees, so thats why I need a sugar daddy!"

Teacher

Music Request:

Gekidou by Uverworld


There is cause for celebration. My preliminary examinations are over! Haha. Nope I didn't go home straight like I hinted I would. Instead, I went to Hub to collect my socks from Kaen, that was previously lost in the black hole of her home and now found. I call in willpower. I wanted to get my woolen socks so badly that it re-appeared in her home out of its own free will. Haha. Nonsensical, but who cares?


Today was both Math Paper 2 as well as Literature Paper 3. Bad. I sort of just gave away even more marks during the Math paper while in Literature? Haha. I was too busy reading the text. Yup. There was just this sudden desire to read Heart of Darkness again, and I, being the stupid idiot that I so obviously am, READ IT. A bit. Still, I'm an idiot cause I did it. Sighx. The good news is that my writing speed has increased without compromising on the legibility, so now, I can, without TOO much of a strain, complete 2 sides of the foolscap paper. Yippee! I consider this important, as those who know me can testify, I write slower than a snail can crawl. Honest.


Tomorrow is Teacher's Day. It started as something of an obligation, but I actually just realised that I have HONESTLY GOOD things to say to my teachers. All of them. Including Head Monster. Say what you will, but she really did teach me things. Not necessarily academic stuff, which I did pick up, but also life skills. Values. That sort of thing. So, yeah, I started out hating her guts, but although I wouldn't sign up to join her fan club, if she has one, anytime soon, I respect her as a teacher. Which is more then can be said for many of my previous, and even some current teachers. Talking about Teacher's Day, I'm not going back tomorrow to neither Cedar nor SMPS. Instead, I'm heading out with Kaen and WinterS. Its the tailor and Alice88th. Yup. The only regret is that I will not be able to see Miss Joyce Tan, but other then that... Nope. Cedar and SMPS has changed too much for me to feel a real sense of attachment to the school anymore. Its a sad fact of life.



Tired. the adrenaline of ending my examinations has drained away. Shall recharge now.




"Goodnight world. Tomorrow, will you still remain the same?"

Why

Music Request:

Endless Story by Yuna Ito

Koizora by Yui Aragaki


Everyone dies. Everything ends. Its only a matter of whether its sooner or later. So why do I hold onto the trivialities of this life? Why do I force myself to confront that which only serves to bring me pain? It would be so much easier, so much better to just live and let live. Why do I pick at old wounds? Why do I try to analyse myself? It will all end all too soon anyway. In terms of this time, the eternity, what is the short 85 years of my life? This is even assuming that I'm not prevented by others from dying at age 40.


What is love? What is it to cause all of us such pain? Even lab rats learn to avoid the electric shock. Yet for human beings, who are suppose to be more intelligent, how many times to we try the same path? How many times must we get hurt, cry, console ourselves and binge on chocolate before we learn that its meaningless? Why do we plunge head first in, and leave others to clean up after us when we emerge and emotional wreck? Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Due to our bio-illogical clock? Addicted to pain, addicted to the momentary happiness, one would think we are a species of masochistic drug addicts...


I have never been to the edge; I have never truly loved anyone, nor have I truly hated anyone. I have never devoted my all to anything. Nothing. Not anime, not cosplay, not Lolita, not my studies. The only thing that ever came remotely close to devotion was dance. Still, it was far from true passion. No one has ever made me want to love them forever, nor hate them forever. It all fades into nothingness after a while. It doesn't matter at all in the larger scheme of things. Am I emotionally handicapped? Unable to love? Not even knowing how to hate? I say the words, but its all empty inside. Like it happened to someone else far too long ago to matter to me anymore. Did it come true after all? Of the winter snow...

Kaen, you should go read this. Quite true, but remember, we are in between. So nothing really applies completely. Why am I like this? I think I'm schizophrenic. My personality just changes everytime. So I am whiny, serious, blunt, shary, lack initiative and is too proactive. I'm loud, rough, a bitch and like to dress up. So who am I? Did part of you become part of me? I never intended it to become this way. It was all for that moment of fun.


Sorry.







" Questions? Some should have never been asked."

Smile

Music Request:
Mirrorcle World (Its not a spelling error on my part!) by Ayumi
Gardenia by Malice Mizer

Kohei Uchimura.
(click for his interview... in Japanese.)

I know, I know. It goes completely against the general trend, but still... I can't help it! I mean... There's talent, a generally amiable personality, and it seriously doesn't hurt that he's totally ADORABLE. His smile is that of a little boy! Haha. Irresistible. For those who have absolutely no idea who I'm talking about, it just goes to show that you've been living under a remote rock for the past week or so. Ok. Maybe not. For the past day? Haha. Uchimura-san is of the Japanese team to the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Specifically of the Men's Artistic Gymnastics team. Individual 2nd!

Okie. I know I'm super biased. First and foremost, I really like Gymnastics. That alone is sufficient for me to stay up until 2AM in the morining, secretly watching TV. In Gymnastics, my favourite is Artistic, for the sheer power and grace. All these, coupled with my personality should cause my current preference to be relatively expected. Uchimura-san rocks!

Lets evaluate this more rationally. Or not. Oh forget it. I'll just list down WHY I like him:

1) His smile is SOOO cute! (This shows how superficial I am.)
2) He kept at the apparatus even though his wrist was badly injured. (Duh, this is to be expected. ALL of them continued despite injuries!)
3) He's only 19! ( Reinforces concept of my shallow nature.)
4) He was placed 2nd! ( Wait. I liked him BEFORE I found out about the result...)
5) He is NOT that cocky Yang Wei! ( UH. Right.)

I have no idea why I like Uchimura-san. Although for point 5), its not that I don't like the Chinese team (hey, I like the Chinese girls! Talented and dedicated. Although tops will always be Catalina Ponor from Romania...), rather, I don't like Yang Wei. Indeed, he's good and completely entitled to brag. Still, the fact that he does deducts brownie points.

Wait. Some of you, not you Kaen, may realise that I sound like I'm contradicting myself. I'm not. Atobe is in a totally different league. He isn't cocky, ok, maybe he is, but his charisma makes it all a-ok. Haha. I'm just so biased that I think I'm insufferable. Haha. I guess, we all have our exceptions. Arrogance isn't an attractive quality in anyone, save those cool bad guys eg. Sephiroth (He has a choir singing his name! Imagine!), and really random and unique individuals, like Atobe-sama. Haha. I rest my case. I'm a gone case. See? Repetition. A sure sign of madness...



"Do not do unto other what you want others to do unto you; others may have different tastes."

Think

Music Request:
Love Addict by VAMPS
Drink It Down by Larc~en~Ciel
Instinctive Love by Kato Kazuki

Haha. Apparently, people do read my blog, and respond! Love ya! You know full well who you are! :) There's this really warm and fuzzy feeling that I get when I open my Gmail Inbox and see mail from Blogger, telling me that someone commented. I feel even happier when I see an email with an ATTACHMENT sent to me from my friends! Yippe!

Yeah. Some will conclude from this that I am easily satisfied, easily contented. Yet, is this even accurate? I know arrive at the main content of today's post, courtesy of my current state of Literature poisoning.

What is the truth? We see things from our perspectives; there is no other way. Hence, through our individual experiences, which cannot be replicated, based upon the expectations, treatment and influence of others on us, we are aware of what is our truth. Nothing else. Yet, is truth really all that we can see? Obviously there is more. Hence, we go around collecting the truth as perceive by others, in order to arrive at what we may consider the true face of Truth. These different pictures of the same thing by different people... How do we know it is accurate? We cannot. We assume they do not lie. Nevertheless, there are often conflicting viewpoints - some things simply does not add up nicely. What then do we do? The normal reaction is to reject the information that does not seem to tally with the majority of our data. It is this which I wish to question. Does an anomaly equate to an untruth? What if it was another side of the Truth, like the other face of the Moon? Just because we are unable to see the other face of the Moon does not mean that the Moon has only one side. In this way, our physical self thus limits the mind. We are unable to think out of the figurative box as we are inside the box. Never able to look outside, how will you be able to surpass the boundaries? Those who continuously advocate creativity in a vacuum are trying to create life from nothingness. Unless you are God, which they are not, it is impossible. We are defined by our physical selves, perceive through our physical selves and thus, are, more or less, our physical selves. Our human experiences, which are beyond our self, which is in turn, beyond thought, that extends past language, is not something that can be grasped by our mortal definitions. Some things are just not meant to be caught and trapped, to be restricted by our narrow understanding...

Heavy stuff? Haha. In a way, it sounds as if I'm trying to be deliberately profound. Oh well. I'm just trying to voice out my thoughts from this afternoon's lesson. Everything is in a mess, discussions are meant to mess things up, and putting it all down in words, regardless of its inadequacy, is still better then nothing. I hope you understand...

Oh. Translating a Japanese music interview is tough. Too much katakana, although the kanji helps. I really need to go learn Japanese. At the same time, to brush up my hiragana... Seriously atrocious. Takes me near an hour to translate simple sentences. Tiring as the font is teeny tiny too. Still, the picture of HYDE makes it all worthwhile... :)





"A sadist is a masochist who follows the golden rule of 'Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.'."

Chase

Music Request:
Do Me More by Namie Amuro
Illuminati by Malice Mizer

Okay. I know I owe you this much - an update. Here goes:

1) 9 days to my GCE 'A' Level prelimnary examinations, and I am completely unprepared. Intend to spend the whole of tomorrow studying economics in the library. Anyone and everyone is free to join me. Most probably in Toa Payoh. Sms me if you wanna study too, I might change my mind at the eleventh hour, as I am prone to do.

2) Listening to the songs by Gackt that Duck uploaded for me. Love Diablos. So nice...

3) Went out with Duck, her Benj and Kaen on Friday. Had lunch at my regular joint in Lucky Plaza, before we went to Kinokuniya. Realised that her Benj cant read Chinese to save his life. Sad. No, more like disappointed. Though I suppose on the account that he's Peranakan, I can cut him some slack. Went bersek at Kinokiniya. They were having a sale, so I signed up for a three-year membership, bought the US edition of GLB, What's In, the Japanese music magazine, and Cosmode. Should have made use of the additional discount and gotten Cat Street and Venus Cappricino as well. Oh well. Spent a lot yeah? And that's not all...

4) On Friday, I too went shopping for Clare's birthaday present. Bought her a bracelet and earrings. Sharing with Viv, HF and most probably, Angie, I hope. HF is a great friend, seriously. I hope she gets what she really deserves in life. I mean, it'll be really unfortunate otherwise. Haha. I don't think she realises it yet, but she's something special :)

5) Oh. This is something pretty big. I signed up to do Nowaki from JunJou Romantica in a photoshoot in December this year. With Kaen as Hiroki. Amazing yeah? I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for all the likely poses. Still, its not too bad. I can think of worst things. Way worse... like 'A' Levels... Wait. For all you people who are still nice and innocent and uninitiated, ITS YAOI. You don't know what it means? Go Google it, and prepare for an amazing aesthetic feast. No Kaen, don't say I'm evil...

5) Kaen is going to Japan, namely Tokyo and Kyoto at the end of the year. I want to go Japan too, I mean, Sherracoon and XW are going for TeniMyu stuff, with Soph most probably heading there early next year. Thats practically my friends in this circle. Sad. If I could go, I'll spend 3 days in Harajuku. After all, there's so much to shop and see. Although I'll most probably need near a thousand dollars to fulfill my thirst for the stuff. More money will be needed if I want to head to a host club to look-see... Ok. Anyone willing to sponsor me? I promise I'll be really nice to you for the rest of my life/ your life, depending on who dies first. Haha.

6) I wonder how Hyde smokes and sings at the same time. So obvious that I diasgree with smoking yeah? Not my life. Shall not interfere with choices of people I'll never meet in my life *shrugs*. See the PV of his latest song LOVE ADDICT in his band VAMPS with KAZ. Nice and violent, with a cool twist at the back. Funny too, but in a black, situational hunour kind of way. I like Hyde's voice, and I think he's a seriously interesting guy, but I'm not sure about the direction he is heading. Yeah he looks cool, and absolutely unlike a typical middle-aged guy. Still... I think he was more impressive in Laruku. He's still short though. Haha. His height won't change regardless of where he stands. So what if he's at the front? It wouldn't work. Stop kidding yourself Hyde-sama. The only reason why he gets away with it is cause he's so adorable... An adorable 39 year old man. I'm screwed.

7) I'm itching to dance. I have no idea why, considering my apparent lack of regard for dance when I was in the CCA. Maybe it was because of the system and the atmosphere. I have no grudge against dancing itself, in fact, it seems that I like it a lot. Miss it. Was watching Namie Amuro's PV Do Me More. I actually got of my seat to copy her routine. This only goes to show how much I need to dance. I suppose I'll sign up for dance lessons again after 'A' Levels.

8) Bought Hyde's 666. Companion album to Roentgen. I like. Nice guitar... Favourite is Words of Love, Sweet Vanilla... Like most of the album :)

9) Happy birthday! This goes out to Kor, Lavi, Dhilshad, Kailing, Shiying and all the people I don't know born on this day :)



"I'm not a diary! I'm a person! No one cooks chicken with beancurd juice! Madness!"

Real

I wonder what most people do to cope with rough patches? Why I wonder? I'm going through an awful period of time now. I'm so depressed I eat a bar of chocolate everyday. Not exaggerating. Its like this:

Mathematics D
Economics D (barely)
General Paper D (the first!!)
Geography E

Horrendous. I was so stunned by my grades that I was numb on the bus home for the past 2 days. Just stared out of the window blankly, hearing music but not listening. Its like there's this tough thick shell around me that keeping me from flipping. With such grades, I think I will qualify as a retainee. Honest. Yet, if I do a careful analysis of the entire affair, its GP and Geography that's affecting me. Why?

First and foremost, until this year, I have NEVER failed English. NEVER. I have no idea if its the teacher, as I performed well in Mr Whitby's class last year, or me. Serious. I"M SCARED. There. I've gone and said the name of the evil bogeyman living deep inside me. Grades like this, when people around you are getting A's and B's are no joke. Its frightening. Doubt creeps in, and you begin to question everything. Lifestyle, effort, ability, mood... it all goes under the microscope. And I have had enough of the numerous sickening comments on my handwriting. Just because it can't be seen from the moon doesn't make it microscopic. Furthermore, I have one of the most legible handwriting on the face of this planet, so those who write in teeny scrawls have ABSOLUTELY no right to criticise. The limit to my patience is a very real boundary. Three strikes and you're out. Don't say I don't give sufficient warning.

If I were to force a more positive outlook, I suppose I can say that there was an improvement for Economics. During Promotional Examinations last year, it was a sub-pass, so at least I improved by 2 grades. My Mathematics was never excellent, although its a huge fall in my grades (from a high B to a D!), so i suppose its not too disappointing. All that is left is my Literature, which is off to a poor start already. I have resigned myself to my grades. All i can do is to put in more effort, which I am for Hypothesis Testing. Economics... I suppose I can go back to writing more essays. I will definitely study hard for Geography, I'm now actively trying to make sure I do a good job in the topic of floods. Sigh. A wake up call of the most brutal nature. I suppose there is a reason for having the exams after the holidays. It really gives us more time to study. Now all I feel is that I have totally wasted an entire month in frivolous pursuit.

Ok. Cosfest will be the last. I'll wrap everything else up for this year. Start studying. No more self-questioning. No room for errors. Lets end it all with no regrets.




" Meaning? What meaning do you seek? Adding your own interpretation to completely meaningless reality is the epitome of futility."

Young and Over Indulging ~ YaOI

Okay. I so don't have time to put in the necessary effort to write a proper post. Its simple. I'm too busy watching Jun Jou Romantica! Haha. Its the first time that I'm really watching yaoi. Like pretty... intense yaoi. Okay. I like Usami and his bears! So kawaii! Yup. I know as a fangirl, its sort of wrong to be in love with Suzuki-bear, but still... Its so KAWAII!!!! I mean, Misaki is adorable (when he's not making out with Usami) and Usami is ubercool ( when he isn't making out with Misaki), but Suzuki-bear ROCKS! Hmm. The other pair, of Hisaki and Nowaki (I think their names are spelled like this...) is awfully sweet. The seme and uke is less obvious, unlike Misaki-Usagi, and there's more of a connection. I guess its because, I a) do not have an elder brother, b) I don't know anyone who's earning tons of money as an author, and c) I'm not in any kind of relationship with anyone. Therefore, the sweetness appeals more to me. That, and the kawaii factor of Suzuki-bear! Man, if only I had a bear as cute as Suzuki-bear. Ok. Sorry. Couldn't find a nice Junjou picture without any words, Japanese or otherwise. So you'll just have to make do with Kaori Yuki. Haha. Not like its BAD. I love her art...


On to a more objective perspective! The plot's pretty good, but the music is terrible. I sort of fast-forward the entire introduction. No point listening if it grates on my ears. Talking about music... I bought Hyde's Roentgen! For only 20 dollars! At HMV! Haha! Its only so cheap because its one of the special collections. I saw Gackt's and Malice Mizer albums retailing at an earth-shattering price of some 60 dollars! Per album! Daylight robbery. I mean, is the price justified? I think not. I have this nagging suspicion that buying from overseas will be cheaper at the rate prices are increasing so outrageously. Sigh. Now the only problem left is finding some way to pay. That is a really big issue.


Regarding money, I need someone to find me a pot of gold. Or to teach me where to get a treasure map. I'm considering a new pair of shoes and another black Lolita dress. Which needs money. That I don't have. I have just outlined the problem. Tada! So yup. The shoes and dress cost $90 each, bringing it to a total of $180. Argh. I should just forget about it eh? Hah. As if that is remotely possible. Well. I suppose I'm going to save up for it. Just like I'm going to save up for my iPod. Shoot. The total amount is equivalent to about... One and a half month's worth of pocket money! Plus additional for cleaning the house... I so totally have to get a job to finance my super expensive hobby. This stinks. I detest being constantly broke. AHH! I give up!

"At the beginning of an addiction, you're happy. Its later that you die."

Laundry

Its officially the school vacation now, but it doesn't really feel like it. I mean, there are loads of things which are all piled up waiting for me to comp[lete, most of which I have yet to feel bothered enough to actually complete. Sigh. It seems to me like the older I get, the more irresponsible I become as i know how to squirm through all the various loopholes. This is NOT a good thing. The undisciplined side of me is ruining all the careful plans and resolutions I made to work hard. Which Is awful when I realise that this is already in the second week of my month long holidays... And I have yet to start on ANYTHING! Well, I did complete half a comprehension exercise, not that its anything to boast of. Okay. I shall exercise self-restraint once and for all. Today, I promise to finish all of the comprehension and 2 questions of my Math Hypothesis Testing tutorial. This is on top of repairing my Goth dress and washing all the irritating bits of stuff around the house.



Yeah, I do household chores, but its not like I like doing it. More like I don't have any choice nor say in the matter. Its so repetitive, and stuff like laundry and washing the floor never ends. see, the wind blows, and all the dusts comes floating in again. You have to wear clothes everyday, so its an endless cycle of washing, drying, folding/ironing, keeping. And its not one set, its like, four people, and different clothes require varying treatments based on colour, material, cutting etcetra. A complete pain. The worst part is that it rains often in this tropical monsoon climate, so yeah, I have to note the weather... Urgh. These are only CLOTHES. There are shoes, blankets, rugs, bedsheets, towels and more to be washed. Laundry is a pain. The first thing I would do if I had a rich sugar daddy will be to hire a laundry person. Serious. I will not be constrained by these irritating triflings which MATTER for a moment longer than I have to. It sucks up all your time, ruins your mood, needs you to note 20 different factors at once and absolutely spoils concentration and train of thought. I think its quite obvious I hate laundry. Like its any surprise. Haha.



Love my phone. Rather, I think I should say I love having a 2GB external memory disk in my phone. Thats cause I can squeeze some 150 over songs into my phone, and the battery of my phone, although it seems to be unable to let me make calls for longer than an hour, I can listen to some 6 hours of music with excess battery to spare! Wowie! The wonders of technology, music on the go, anywhere. Well, as long as you have battery. Oh, just remebered, my earphones have some problem... Sheesh, will have to change it...




" Love is blind, not senseless nor stupid!"

Sad

Okie. First and foremost, Stella, you are definitely an Ah Po... Who else can be my Ah Po? Haha. Next, thank you bemygodday for leaving a comment which stirs up such complex feelings, I knew Hyde was working on some new project called Vamps but... I mean, thanks for the offer of songs, I'm gonna keep you to it *grins*. Yet... Why are they going to go on hiatus?! I'm going to cry. Serious. WHY?! They are making such amazing music, I knew I should have skipped school to go to their concert in Hong Kong. I could have, but my morals reined me in. Sheesh. Now I'm going to regret it until I'm 2011, which means I'll be an adult officially. Hey, maybe its a good thing. After all, I'll be able to follow them to the ends of the earth at that point of time with no parental consideration. Haha. I'm so depressed I'm trying to forrce something positive out of this cause for grief. At least I still have Gackt. Like its any consideration. I love Larcon! They are my favourite! How can one Gackt substitute all of four members of Larcon? How...

My exams are all over. I've been to Malaysia, Kuantan and Kuala Lumpur, for my scholl's Geography and back. Aristal 2008 is over and done with. My life in JC is, at this moment, seventy-five percent over. I shall freely admit it. I cried when the curtain went down after the finale of Aristal. It was a curtain call for more than my time as a dance; it was the end of carefree youthfulness as well. Why do I say this? I have to really get down to studying for my 'A' Levels. I have to concentrate on what I want to do in the near future. I need to source for possible options. I need to decide on my stand on anime, manga and cosplay. All these seems inconsequential, like little bits. Yet, altogether, they define who I am and what I'm going to be, what I'm going to do. How can I ignore all these parts that make up me? Sighx. Its like how music is a part of me, how dance is another part of me, studying makes up anothe section... Argh. Now there's pressure to perform in all these areas, it really tires me out. I do have a limit, and its a very really real limit. Mayhap I consider it a transfered epithet that Larcon is going on hiatus. After all, I mean, I'm in need of a mental vacation.

This song, Orenji no Taiyo, from Moon Child, is an absolute complement to my current mood. Sung and written by both Hyde and Gackt, the song is from Gackt's album Crescent, and is a song I really want. Its so sad, and so sweet, and the movie was heart-wrenching. Ahh. I'm going to cry already, due to both the news and the song. Argh! Shan't care already!

Sayonara...

" Shall I give up? Shall I cry? Shall I despair?"

Addiction

Wowie. I just realised that I'm a fool thirteen times over. Why? Cause I got myself addicted to Gackt. I'm now desperately searching for his songs. Really sad if you realise that Singapore isn't exactly the best place to get alternative music. Yes, Gackt is considered 'Alternative Music'. Why? Simple, the medium is Japanese. Anything other than mainstream English and Chinese pop goes under alternative. Yuck. If anyone knows of any kind souls who have Gackt stuffies to share or sell, please do contact me. I'm going bersek.



On to Gackt-less stuff, but still regarding obsessions... Tetsu can SING!!! I have his song, Tightrope, and the vocals rocks! This is despite the poor recording quality of downloaded songs. If i can't find substantial Gackt albums, Tetsu's album is even more likely to be available only via the Internet. Unfortunately, I don't have so much spare dough. So I'll just have to withhold my cravings until I chance upon a pot of gold and go on a spending spree at CDJapan. What a sad life. Tetsu's voice is seriously great. I recommend going to YouTube to listen to his amazing voice. I have no idea why Hyde laughed at his voice! Its great! The quality is more of the mainstream kind, not as flexible as Hyde's, but its clear and has a distinct character. Overall? Go listen, and judge by yourself. I promise you an awesome audio experience. It doesn't hurt that Tetsu is adorable either :) Haha. The leader of Larcon is talented. Although he isn't able to connect with the audience as well as Hyde, he has substance.



Regarding Hyde, I had absolutely no idea that Cape of Storms is an English song. I thought it was in Japanese! With parts in English! Am I stupid or what?! I guess its because I was too taken with the tune. Beautiful, soothing. Almost haunting, not quite there, but not bad as a whole. The PV is dissappointing. I suppose it does fit in with the entire theme of spiritually lost and hopelessness, but still... Was expecting more.



It seems like Larcon is really amazing and absolutely talented. After all, they've been in the industry for 16 years. I suppose it takes lots of ability to have such staying power. American bands tend to fade out after a couple of years, even those who are really popular stop relaesing so many albums and are unable to suitably attract the younger audience. Haha. I love my Larcon!


Here's a gorgeous picture of the band's new look for Kiss. Notice Hyde's hair? Really suits him. Much better than the hairstyle he sported at the starting of Larcon. He really looks better with age. Hmm. I wonder what this suggests about me...



"Dancing in the wind without a care, both hands outstretched... What bliss!"

Up

Well, I can now safely say that I'm nuts. I mean, which normal person who has yet to finish studying will be gallivanting around online? Sigh. I just can't exercise self-control. Urgh. At least now I'm keeping close watch of the time. Wow. Gackt is an amazing pianist. All I can say is that he's pretty talented; I heard he plays 8 instruments! Interestingly enough, although I like Gackt's voice, I somehow find Klaha's voice more suited to Malice Mizer. Don't know. Maybe its because I knew Gackt as an individual singer before as a member of Malice Mizer. Haha. Like I said, i'm pretty slow. Or rather, I got the order wrong. Much like my Economics essay T_T. Imagine, I started with balance of payment, went to long-run impacts, before talking about short-run! I so totally hope I didn't discuss the AS stuff before AD for the fiscal policy question that I did! Otherwise... Conceptual error. Argh! That would mean I let my hand suffer for nothing...


Watching Neo Angelique Abyss now. Its so... high pitched. Yup. Angelique is so whiny. I can't stand it... The only reason why I'm watching it is for the guys. Woohoo. All the seiyuus are great! The men I mean. It reminds me of Pretear. I was only sitting thriugh the entire thing to listen to Sasame and for the kids. The last episode was utterly unbearable. I laughed so hard my brother asked if it was supposed to be a comedy. You know, the part where everything gets destroyed, people are screaming and dying. Its not that i'm heartless, rather, the portrayal was simply hilarious. Haha. Oh, but I sort empathise with the younger step-sister. I mean, I think we all have our inner problems, all have our pain. in a way, the portrayal and acknowledgement of this was more than what I would have expected from a 'silly reverse harem' anime. Yup. Its wonderful how the smallest things can actually have really deep ideas.



Eh. I seem to be talking about pretty random topics. Like an analysis of my own Economics essay in my blog. Dear me. I need a brain overhaul!





" To what purpose do we struggle? Life is short; a mere instant. What more can a moment do?"

Oops

Just realised that my second favourite song by Gackt is... seriously hentai. OMG. Here's the link. Its subtitled. Sometimes, its really better not to know what the song means. Serious. Some parts subtitled in English seems to be wrong, but its correct. I have the lyrics, so I know. I didn't bother to translate it by myself, so yeah, now I'm sorta glad I didn't, so I can go on deluding myself that the person translated it wrongly. NOT. On a less... explicit note, his hair in the PV is cool. No wonder people use him as inspiration for anime and game characters. Sighx.Thank goodness Redemption is not as... specialised. Yeah. Thank goodness. Link. Its more rugged, cool. His microphone stand is one of a kind. The bird is a nice touch. Go watch. Subtitled as well. Aren't I considerate? But here's a warning for the innocent, naive souls out there. Don't watched the subbed Vanilla. Don't. Just watch it in its original form, enjoy the music... his voice... enjoy ignorance.



Shall leave now. I already spent half a day on fandom. So going to fail my exams...




"A feeling that has no equal, a pain that surpasses time; why do I even bother staying alive?"

Instability

After a month long hiatus (well, its almost a month...) I'm back. Temporarily. Haha. You know how the worst things all occur at the same time? Well, for me, whenever I'm expected to study, my Mid Year Exam is some... 2 days away... I happen to have the weirdest cravings. Currently reading a manhwa, Model by Lee So Young, blogging (duh) and wanting to scream. Yup. In that order. Life sucks when you have limited time, I'm suppose to be studying for Economics, but its clear that I have given up. I mean, I know I'm going to fail. After all, I have studied for only, what? One day? Its not even a full day as I've been frolicking around for the past 2 hours. Precious, precious time when you have yet to even complete the first round of revision. I am so totally screwed. I should have stayed in school. Or gone out. Anywhere without the computer. Now only on the essay outlines of my essays. I still have to study the lecture notes and write out one of the essays. Wow. I must be blessed if I even get an S grade this time around. Byebye to any dream of improvement. Macroeconomics is SUPPOSED to be EASIER. Looks like I'm either too stupid or too lazy to be able to do well.



Watching the online videos of Laraku's 2008 World Tour. OMG. Hyde and Tetsu speaking CHINESE!!!! And French!!! Oh boy. Its soooo kawaiii to see Hyde and Tetsu doing synchronised HOPPING!!! The best part was Hyde blowing a gazillion kisses at the audience, sticking out his tongue at the camera... ANNNND.... Tetsu throwing the audience his banana!!!! Does he even know the hundred and one conotations?! OH... What I would do to go Seoul or Hong Kong to catch the last two-fifths of their Asia tour... I think its quite obvious, from the number of capitalised words that I'm a lost cause. Oh. Here's the Devil May Cry 4 game trailer. Totally fitting. Imagine, Laraku + Tyki... Heaven. The theme song is Laraku's latest single, Drink It Down. The PV is here, as in, the original. Note how lucky the Caucasian girls in the PV are to cosy up to the band members. I can't help but be jealous. Oh well. Hyde's hair lokks like mine on a seriously goood hair day after I add tons of gel. Haha. Is it me or does Hyde looks hotter as he ages? Someone online commented that he looks more rugged as he ages. Sort of growing old gracefully, or in his situation, in a more manly way. After all, he started as a half-crossdressing singer in a visual kei band. I mean, go look at the old Blurry Eyes and Vivid Colours PVs. Hyde looked effeminate. Definitely. In interviews in the 90s, he looked gawky and geeky, yet, now... Hot siah. Oh boy!!! Tetsu has the same birthday as Kei-chan!!! My darling Atobe and Tetsu are both October 3rd Libra babies!!! Wow. What a wonderful world. Like I said earlier, my dad and Hyde, Yukihiro and I, my maternal grandmother, Eiji and Ken all share the same birthday. Now even Tetsu and Atobe! I love L'Arc~en~Ciel!!!



Next, I shall part of my grades, life, and heart to malice Mizer. yes, Iknow I'm really slow on the uptake. Gackt sounds heavenly. Serious. Just watched the old PVs. Dear me. Its soooo... amazing, the stuff people can think of with no predecessors. I have concluded that Mana is damn pretty, Gackt just needs to sit there to make me swoon, Klaha voice rocks, AND WHAT KIND OF BAND FEATURES A VIOLIN!!! Illuminati is *faints*, awfully twisted, Au Revoir is so sweet (it doesn't hurt that Gackt looks delicious and Mana's dress is absolutely pretty!), Baroque is nice.... Argh. Its official. I'm now a Malice Mizer fan!




"Why did the girl kill her sister? So she could see her hot cousin again..."