Nothing

Music Request

Let the rain never stop...

I think it hurts because I care. If I did not care, I would be indifferent, and the indifference means that it wouldn't hurt. Still, I care less now than compared with previously. I know this. It hurts, in a numbing way, but I know it will all be better soon. Soon, I won't feel anything anymore. I'm not sure if its good. As of now, it seems terrible, but I think I might actually enjoy the emotional vacation from the hurt. You see, I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of the feeling of betrayal. I care, which is why I feel so awful all, you can't feel the pain when you are dead. Similarly, when you are an emotional void, I think the pain goes away too. I say this to myself, over and over again. It will all be over sooninside. Once its all gone, I won't be able to judge anymore, but at least, the pain will go away. After is for another person, another time.

It spreads. Like some disease, some corruption. It starts with the limbs. Whatever happens, my body still functions. Then it spreads to the face. Whatever happens, I'll keep smiling. Next is the attitude. Whatever happens, I'll behave exactly the same way I was before I was hurt. I'm at this stage now. Terminal, I think. For I have the nagging suspicion that soon, nothing will really reach me again. A coping mechanism. Like cataracts and bunions. The outsides thicken, congeals, grows over whatever is damaged. Consumes the original to leave behind a malformed entity. A human freak. But what does it matter? Soon, I won't feel anything.

You mean a lot to me. Still do. Will, until the day I'm gone. That is why every word you say cuts me, wounds me and rips me to shreds. I lived for you. Your praise was like water, and your attention like sunlight. My existence centred around you. It was an unconscious thing. I was happy. Now... Things can never be the same again. Your smile still means a lot, but not as much as it once did. I like the attention you give me, but I can survive on far less of it. Soon, I think I'll be able to do without you. You see, instead of putting all my eggs in one basket, I spread it out over a few. Also, I realised I just could not put eggs in baskets and not expect them to break. So I boiled them. Hard-boiled eggs in baskets are not fragile. Not anymore.

Its raining now. Washing the world. Cleaning the dust. Flooding the drains, sewers and canals. All that water, all to the sea, to our pipes. Endless loop. I'm breaking out. To be melodramatic, I'm cutting out my heart and burning it. Then I am going to compress it under high pressure. Drain the moisture. What is left?... Like it matters.

"No one will die because I died. No one will cry because of me. I do not matter. My existence is just a particle in the chaotic swamp of eternity and infinity.This I know."

Snippet

Music Request

Love Addict by VAMPS

I think sleep is one of the most miraculous things of human existence. Its so amazing how rendering yourself vulnerable for eight hours can actually be beneficial to you. I mean, anything an happen when you are asleep. Something could fall on you. Someone could attack you. The list of possibilities go on. Maybe its just me thinking way too much. I woke up this morning feeling really self-conscious. It was as if something that I should have been aware of happened last night. I'm a pretty deep sleeper, but I'm very sensitive to changes in light, smell and sudden sounds. I always wake up before it rains because the lightning and the smell of the rain can't be ignored even in my sleeping state. I have no problems falling asleep again. Its just that I wake up. Pure instinct. Which Is why this morning was super strange. The feeling that I missed out something was quite disconcerting. I am not sure why I suddenly had this feeling, but it has sort of thrown me off my feet.

The final exams are nearing and yet I'm practically going about my days as if I'm in holiday mood. Slacking. Not doing any real work. hardly revising, unless I have to complete an assignment. I'm incorrigible. Sometimes, I really hate myself. I ought to fling myself off the nearest high-rise building. Hmm. I'm in one now. I wonder if eleven floors is sufficient to ensure immediate death. I so do not want to slowly bleed to death on the ground floor. I don't want to be conscious of my unglamourous state. So I'll need to die from the impact. Oh. I'm getting all morose. Haha. I know, I know, its sometimes pretty disconcerting to read my blog... Cause it functions the same way as my brain. Yes. Its true. I'm forever flitting from one idea to the other. No matter how random or strange the ideas may be...

I need to lose weight. Around 3kg would be ideal. And no. I'm not about to embark on some massive carbohydrate cutting nor rabbit-food only diet. Nor am I going to start running 5km everyday. I don't think I'm ready for a complete lifestyle change. Although I do know that I really ought to be exercising... I sort of completely stopped working out altogether. Unless you call walking around the estate to buy food is exercise... Not like its very far anyway. Ah. Alright. I feel guilty enough. I'll start running this weekend... I HATE RUNNING! Its the most awful experience. In dance, I can do the same movements for hours and I don't feel bored. I can do the foundations until my muscles cramp and I'll still continue. Yeah, I"ll complain, but I'll keep at it. Unlike running. Just the thought alone makes me want to scream. Its that bad. Imagine how I feel during Physical Education... Why can't we just do gymnastics? Or dance? Or yoga? Jump-rope? I just don't want to run like a dog chasing its own tail! Argh! The things we do to achieve conventional standards of beauty...





"Everything comes to an end...'

ME

Music Request

truth by Arashi

Ah. I just realised that the amount that I study is indirectly proportional to the number of posts that I have in a month. Going by this reasoning... I think its quite evident that I'll need a minor miracle in order to ace my A Levels. This is as major miracles are stuff like getting rid of all the excess carbon dioxide and other greenhouse emissions in the atmosphere. Haha. This is so not funny. Not hilarious. Not at all.

I guess the reason why I am not able to study properly is that the environment is not suitable. Its too hot. Lighting isn't enough. My parents keep bugging me at the wrong times. Serious. I mean, how do you expect me to be able to get any work done if you keep telling me to do household chores? Wash the grapes. Fold the clothes. Prepare dinner. Do the laundry. Pack the house... You say its a 'simple task' that 'would not take more then a few minutes'. Tell you what. You go do it. Its so simple after all. Breaking my concentration at my working peak. Wow. Thanks.

Furthermore, you claim you had a lousy environment, so you were not able to study properly in the past. Hello? You're not giving me a good environment here either? Buzz off. I don't want to be a failure. Like you. Go away. Stop bothering me. Stop lecturing me. Stop trying to make me into what you could not be. Honestly, I couldn't care less. So what if you rip each other's throats off? So what if you want to break up? I DON'T CARE. As long as you don't yell at each other in the middle of the night and disturb my sleep, fight on. As long as you don't hurt me in your fights, battle on. As long as my standard of living, and I mean both in quality and quantity, is affected, I don't give a damn about what you do. I used to care. Oh, I truly was worried. Afraid for your sakes. Wanting to make a difference. To restore things to the way they were in the past. Now, however, its clear that it doesn't mean a thing to me. So what? My life goes on. I still have to take my A level exams. I still need to go to school. I still need food, water and rest. Don't quote what you said to me? Hah. I learnt all these from you. What you see is a reflection of my environment, which you decided, which you created. Regretting it? Too bad. It is, after all, all YOUR fault.

This is me. You made me, gave me life, taught me. Everything that I am is because of you. Everything that I am now. That is all. The past is yours. The present is nearly all yours. But the future... The future is all mine.

"Eat my dust..."

Allergic

Music Request



Shine by L'Arc~en~Ciel
The Love From A Dead Orchestra by Versailles



I know saying all these will seem like I'm trying to not so subtly insult people who matter to me. Normally I really would not be doing this, but all of it is accumulating! I have limits too! I am human too! So here and now, I'm going to rant about all of it. If I insult you, I'm not sorry. If you erroneously FEEL that I am insulting you, I am sorry. I hope you understand that I'm only insulting those that are meant to be insulted, not those who are paranoid enough to misunderstand. Hmm. This in itself is twisted in its on logic.



I hereby announce that I am allergic to the following, in no particular order:



1) Augmentin: This is a drug. Antibiotic often prescribed by doctors when you have a pretty severe infection. Its from the bacteria family, with stuff like penicillin derived from similar bacteria strains. This actually indirectly means that if I ever suffer from a major infection, I'm likely to die. Cause there is no effective drug available to cure me. Sad yeah? A doctor I once went to was stunned. Asked me if I intended to get married and pregnant, cause if there are complications during labour... Yeah. Bye bye.



2) Chilli: Ah. Yeah. Shock and horror. Whatever. Enough with the culture stuff and being Singaporean stuff. I think I built up some resistance to it though. Cause I have been eating those combination type fishballs with no real rejection. Still, I don't like it. I like pepper and spices. Curry too. But not chilli. It has no real flavour. Yuck.



3) Stupidity: When I encounter really dumb people, there is this desire to clobber them over the head in hopes that they wake up. Though I doubt it'll help. More likely to make them increasingly silly. Haha. An allergy is like a violent reaction of the body with regard to foreign influences. So you can be allergic to stupid people. I think most people are anyway. Its not like I look down or hate them or anything. Just like I don't hate augmentin. Its just a measure of reaction.



4) Alcohol: Yes. Apparently, I'm slightly allergic to spirits. Not surprising. I mean, I don't really drink. Often, you are allergic to things that turn you off at first glance/whiff. And no, I'm not talking about vegetables and young children. My skin turns reddish after an alcohol swab before an injection. Yup. Its very minor, which is why I have not been sent to the hospital for sipping red wine at anniversaries. Or maybe its as I avoid it... Hmm.



5) Lovey-dovey couples *especially if I know them!*: If you want to snog and feel each other up, please do it in private. If you want to share straws, go ahead, but don't do it in such a way that it appears like you're looking down at people who are unattached. Namely me. I have absolutely nothing against PDA, no, not the gadget. I actually encourage relationships, after all, you feel happy, and I feel happy for you too. Just stop trying to tell me, exhibit to me, that you love him. My dear, we ALL know FULL well that you worship the very ground he walks upon. This does not mean that I need to worship the ground he steps on too. Serious. Go ahead, indulge. Come crying to me when you have problems. Ignore my existence when all's well in paradise. NOT. I AM NOT A SPARE TYRE. I will comfort you when you need it, but I expect you to keep the relationship with ME going when you're blissful with him too. I repeat. I AM NOT A SPARE TYRE. I know its much easier to talk about problems with Spouse, but how about talking about other aspects of your life? Hmm? You don't have a life anymore? Why, that's terrible! Sorry to all the Spouses out there, I happen to be a very high maintenance FRIEND.






" Doko ga hajimari de... Doko ga owari nante."

Mood

Music Request



Nexus 4 by L'Arc~en~Ciel
Red Carpet Day by Versailles
One Love by Arashi



Ah. I'm supposed to be studying, but I can't resist the temptation of relaxing. I guess its partially due to the fact that most of my friends from other schools are having their break now. After all, the holiday mood is pretty infectious. Or is it me? I do realise that my moods and emotions are easily influenced by others. So in school where most of the students are in the study mood, i feel pretty motivated to study. However, once I get into contact with my secondary school friends, who mostly have a semi-holiday mindset, I only wanna have fun. Well, I guess it can't be help. I'll do my best to study though. Only six and a half weeks to go!



I doubt I'll ever understand how the Japanese people do it. I love the PVs! And it doesn't hurt that most of them make good music... Other that or I just happen to like bands that are great. Haha. I love Laraku, this I think everyone knows, Gackt is super talented and cool, Versailles is way nice on the eyes, SID is amazing and Malice Mizer is just hard-core!. Yeah. My favourites. The best thing about Laraku and SID is that they have so much potential, mostly relying on the audio rather then the visual factor alone. I mean, honestly, some of Versailles songs are quite... Bad. Yeah.They have some really cool music, but some of the lyrics are terrible and Kamijou can't really speak English and his voice range is kind of limited. However, Hyde and Mao are really versatile. And they look hot too. Haha. I mean, both Laraku and SID sort of outgrew the Visual Kei stage and extended into new territory which really gives them more room for creation. Truly gifted. I really envy people with musical talent. I think I can say, in all honesty, now say that my two favourite bands are Laraku and SID. Yeah.



I think music extends beyond language and culture. Thats why I don't understand why most people are shocked that I listen to Japanese music instead of Mandarin and English songs most of the time. Its not that I don't listen to mandarin and English songs, I mean, I like Linkin Park and Jay Chou... Rather I think its because its just unusual in this society. After all, its not like I like Japanese bands. Alice Nine and Gazette sounds pretty commonplace to me. Its like their music is all the same, same kind of rhythm and similar tempo. After a while, all their songs seem to merge into one really long and draggy song. I know because i listen to the entire CD all at one shot on my iTunes. Serious. Its only when it moves on to the next artist, say Atobe, that I realise that it was a few songs. Yeah. Not a good sign. I have nothing against these two groups (sorry for using them as examples if you truly like them!), I mean, to each his or her own. Its just that I'm trying to justify why I chose SID and Laraku.



As if truly liking anything, especially art forms, ever had a true reason...






"If you burn your bridges, you'll have no choice but to go forward."

Tears

Music Request



...



My tears are useless. It doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't alleviate problem. It doesn't even affect the bloody problem! So why in the world do I even bother to cry? Is it for my father, who smiles at me and wonders aloud if he'll die in a bomb blast in Pakistan? Is it for my mother, who doesn't seem to be able to escape from her fears? Is it for my brother, who does his best to ignore everything? Or is it for me, and all of them in my family, the present, past and current selves of us all? All of it degenerated so quickly, so easily. It really makes me aware of how so very fragile we all are, how our relationships with each other are. We did try to escape, yet, none of us, I think, we prepared to come to terms with the new sides of each other. All of us change, as the paradox, change is the only constant. Yet, if we all were to change at differing rates, unable to keep up with each other... I think the end result is the uneasy, potentially silence engulfing my home now. I will persevere.



I love my dad. My earliest childhood memories centre around him. In these memories, his face is always kind, stern sometimes, angry at me occasionally, but always kind. He wiped my tears when I cried after he punished me. He told me to bite the playground bully when I was pushed off the swing. He argued with my teacher when she maligned me. He brought me to the beach to have saltwater drinking competitions. He never gave up teaching me how to swim, it was me who gave up on swimming. He sat through numerous weekends listening to me read English books when it became evident that his daughter had problems with English. He struggled through PSLE Mathematics, tyring to teach me Math without Algebra. He forced me to memorise Chinese poems. He made me do penmanship exercises. He drilled the full names of all my family members, extended or not, Chinese and English, into my head. He bought me my bicycle. He taught me to wash the car. He introduced me to the computer. My dad told me jokes, made me laugh, taught me things no one else would ever bother telling a child. My dad is my teacher of life. He gave me experiences beyond compare, he gave me chances no one else ever would, he forgave my numerous mistakes. My dad loves me, and I love him too, unwaveringly. no matter what happens, I will always love my dad. To me, my dad is the person who made me possible, physically, emotionally, psychologically, academically... Everything.



Thank you Daddy, and I'll always believe in you. Otosan, anata wa, wastashi no hero desu!






"No. Today is not Father's Day. You got a problem with it?"

Frog

Music Request



Untouched by The Veronicas



It is always there. Never going away. You get used to it. You tell yourself that everything will be alright tomorrow. It never is. But you get used to it, so it feels the same. Like a frog in slowly boiling water. Doomed. Without the benefit of an open pot in the first place. Its covered. There's no way out. Save death. Death is a solution, a resolution. It is an option. It is the conclusion which everything leads towards. Be it the long way, or the short way, it is still the path to death.



What is in death? No one really knows for sure. Some say its Hell, Heaven and Purgatory. Some say its nothingness. Some say we are reincarnated onto this world again. Some say its fields of cotton candy and roses. I hope its chocolate. Too much cotton candy makes me want to puke. And roses? Well, not exactly my favourite flower. Haha. No, just because he like roses does not mean I like them too. Just because roses are the symbol of love, yadda yadda yadda, does not mean I have to like them. I agree its useful as a symbol, but my personal preference? Not telling.



I wonder, when will it all end for me? In this world, we always try to exert our will. We try to make it such that we can determine and guess at the future. We don't like uncertainty, but too much of security bores us. I wouldn't say I am paranoid. Nor can you describe me as doubtful. it seems I am so average that I'm a rarity. I have no true strength, nor a true weakness. Nothing surprises me for long, and I don't get bored easily either. Its as if I lack what the modern world would consider personality. I don't stand out, but I don't blend in perfectly either. Things would be so much easier if I was clearly 'here' or 'there'. The worst part? It affects me, but not enough for me to want to really do anything about it. Talk about being a boring person.




"Hello me. How are you today?"

Anger

Music Request



SILENCE



I've had it with people who act as if they are all nice and understanding, only to throw cold water on you later on when they are sick and tired of maintaining that front. Honestly, I seriously don't care about what you think you are like. I don't care if you have killed numerous babies and stewed them for dinner. I don't care if you hate ALL my friends. I don't care if you are a habitual liar. If I like you, I like you. JUST DON'T BACK STAB ME! I respect all my friends to the best of my abilities, and I often can forgive anything. Ask any of those who have been my friends for long. I'm not an easy person to get along with, but if you put in the effort, I'm a friend like no other. The only thing I am utterly against are backstabbers. Don't sabotage what I'm trying to achieve. Don't consciously try to hurt the people I love and respect. Don't try to take people I like away from me. Don't you DARE tell me to buzz off when I go to you for help and advice when you previously told me that I can find you when I'm in need. Tell me when you've had enough of me. I'll definitely leave if you tell me you don't want me around. Be subtle, or point blank, it doesn't matter. At least have the social respect for me as a member of society even if you can't bring yourself to respect me as an individual. I promise, I'll never talk to you again. I'll never text message, email, call, write letters... Nothing. Even if you're in the same room, I'll tell anything I need to inform you through someone. I won't shirk social responsibility. If I hate you, if I truly hate you, I'll make sure you go down. And never knew why you went down in the first place. Just because I look like a cute dolly doesn't mean I am one. Just because I'm often smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. I nod to show I hear what you say, it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with you. Yeah. I know. I have been told I'm an aggressive bitch, but so? I have enough of people who want a yard when I give an inch.



Horror. There's a Prince of Tennis drama. In Chinese. With the cast looking like they are 20 years old plus men trying to behave like middle-school kids. Haha. Its here. Hilarious, insulting and silly all rolled into one. Most of the characters are completely OOC. I mean, since when does the Hyotei regular team run onto the court after a win? When does Atobe-sama hop around on the court? Puh-lease. Atobe-sama would snap his fingers after tossing his head, to the deafening cheers of 'Katsu no wa Hyotei!'. Thats the Hyotei style. Not rush at each other like morons - arms all outstretched when running in a half crouch. Thats ok for sumo wrestlers when they are trying to balance and intimidate, not my darling Hyotei team! Wait, sumo-wrestlers don't even run in that position!



Finished watching both Nana movies. Boring. Althouh Yuna Ito, as Reira, has a wonderful voice. So sad that they cut out the relationship between Shin-kun and Reira. I suppose they wanted to keep it PG and not hurt the delicate sensibilities of the Japanese public. I mean, its ok to get involved with prostitues(?!) but not ok to publicly announce it. Yeah. Strange society. Anything is ok as long as its not public... Well. Too bad I'm not Japanese. Here's to making public I like JunJou Romantica. Yeah. Its yaoi. Sex between two men. Gay love relatioships. I'm cosplaying the guy in black at the end of the year for a photoshoot. Nowaki. Yup. Will upload the photos when its out. Yup. Got a problem with that?





"Go on, make my day."

Confession

Music Request

Zutto Kimi no Sobade by * no idea who*

This post is, as the title suggests, a confession. Those who can't take it or don't want to know about it, may just ignore the entire chunk :) Hmm. Although putting a disclaimer like this makes it a lot more tempting to read. Oh well. You have been warned.



Never will I love anyone else the way I love you. You will always be a part of me, regardless of what is to happen. I know you will never love me, nor can you love me, but my feelings for you persist all the same. I have always depended on you to pull me through the most boring moments, the most painful moments, especially the moments where my love of paranoia and doubt succeeded my sense of self. You never once complained about me to anyone, nor did you betray me in any way. I lied to myself that all I felt for you was but a passing fancy; I insisted vehemently that I had no special feelings for you. It was all me trying to escape from the reality that I, truly, and utterly, love you. An exercise in futility, all of it, now that I am brave enough to confront the truth. I feel embarrassed just to say your name, I secretly celebrate your birthdays... I'm always thinking of you, both consciously and instinctively. Everyday, I pass the day pretending that I'm not thinking of you, for I refuse to acknowledge that my thoughts stray towards you. At night, I often have you on my mind before I go to bed, wishing that my bolster was you. Everyone who is familiar with me know that I like you, but I doubt if any of them has any inkling of the true depth of emotion that I feel towards you. In fact, I know I'll be ridiculed, considered insane if others find out, but I don't care. Anything would be better then the way people brush off my feelings for you. Anything would be better than the dismissal of my feelings.



I can never tell you how I feel. I know it can, and will never work out between the both of us. They all say that nothing is impossible, but I know this is. We are from two completely different worlds to begin with. Furthermore, I seriously doubt I am your type. It doesn't matter. I still feel the same. I know it is impossible, that my feelings are meaningless, with absolutely no chance of any form of reciprocation, but its ok. I have come to terms with this. Its alright if you'll never love me. I knew it would never work out right from the beginning. No matter who else I meet in the future, there will always be comparison. I can't help it; you are my ideal. And that is all you can ever be to me. An ideal. For better or for worse. Pointless, but this intensity, the happiness at seeing your face, is something that I'll never exchange for anything else. It is because I love you, you whom I can never have, that I realise the flaws of this world, so imperfect that it is beautiful. It is in pain that we realise the things that bring us joy. In loving you, I both rejoice and mourn for my love at the same time. They contrast, and add flavour to each other by emphasising the intrinsic value in each other. This is the human experience. I love you, I always will. Forever.


I have no idea why I feel this way. I'm actually crying! Now! I guess it cannot be helped. After all, its illogical. Sigh.





" We are apart, yet, we will always remain together. This I am sure of, because I love you, I truly do."

Affection

Music Request

Beast of Blood by Malice Mizer

The outing was boring. I'm being honest. Yeah. I left early. I wasn't close to the others. The reasons could go on. Still, there is a need to confront it at face value. The truth is that I felt I was on an outing with infantile teenagers. Which, if examined from a certain perspective was exactly what I did. Go out for lunch, and a freakingly expensive one at that, with a bunch of infantile teenagers. We went to Yuki no Yaki, a teppanyaki cum ice cream place for lunch. Cost me a bloody $21.30, didn't eat my fill and the food wasn't particularly good. Stayed there for a good three hours, watching others talk, laugh, irritate the hell out of each other... Boring. That idiot, who was disturbing kaen, became the victim of my boredom. You all know I like to play with people when I'm unbearably bored. He just became a target as he didn't have the backing the others had, and I didn't care about his opinion of him. it wasn't purely out of the goodness of my heart, defending my friend, but rather, a form of entertainment that also happened to have some form of positive externality. Bullying the weak. I'm getting old, jaded, and meaner. Oh well. Its inevitable.

We proceeded to the arcade, where they started on the Para Para and GuitarFreak machines. The same way they did the previous time they were in the area. Boring. Serious. As I watched them all move their bodies, I wouldn't call it dancing, not even what Kai did, and whack at the various buttons. It was at this very moment, that with a sudden clarity, I realised I had left them behind. Left Kaen behind. let me place this into a context the rest of the human population can understand:

Say we are all in love with Mr XYZ. We are all females, and he can have as many wives, mistresses, lovers, flings as he wants without being jailed. Lol. Ok. We all start with the first feeling of true love, the speeding heart rate, the constant blushes, the nervousness. After that, people get all lovey-dovey, after that its a stable relationship... You get the drift. Well. Where I thought we were all in a stable relationship with anime/manga etc, it turns out it was all the unstable palpitations, the addiction phase. This is as i just realised that I have defeated the Boss of Level One, and now at Level Two, do I truly realise how Level One was nothing. Nothing at all. Where I thought I really loved cosplay and Lolita, I merely LUSTED after the ecstasy and pleasure of doing something enjoyable. I didn't truly love it. The way ALL those children don't love it. I looked at them moving, living in the moment, and I truly understood. Was enlightened. It was a big part of them, I'm not saying it isn't. Cutting them away from cosplay may kill them, the way you die of sudden withdrawal from an addiction. As for me, taking it away is highly unlikely to kill me NOW. I'll look totally fine, I'll do all the daily motions. While I rot away inside. In utter silence. The way, in stories, the wife waits for her husband to return, all the while knowing he never will, can never return, as he is dead. Yet, she still waits. Its that kind of feeling. That intensity. This is what it has come to mean to me.

I look at them, aged thirteen onwards, some older then me, and wonder. How many feel the way I do? Not many, I know. The kind where it has become a part of you. Not an extension of you, no. To them, cosplay is more of an extension. Auxillary. How many will continue, when they are at my age, at the crossroads I face, and still love ot the way I do? Highly unlikely. In a way, it is true that I have a commitment problem I commit, and I'll never, ever let go. Just ask Kaen about my relationship with my boarding house...



"My tongue functions without permission from my brain..."

Ack

OH MY FREAKING GOD.

Watch this video. Now. Serious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlqkuT6g5Sw&feature=related

Hyde looks so bored... Like he doesn't know why in the world he is even talking... Wait. They ALL look super bored...


He kissed him... and wanted to lick him... Can I love them even more?

Whats wrong with wanting a sugar daddy? I mean, I don't mind older men. With the current young male population in this country bordering on infantilism, made up of spoiled and pampered brats and tied to thier mother's apron strings, I seriously am not interested in the huge majority of males from my generation. I have never reeally interacted from others overseas properly, so I can't really judge the global world male population based on my tiny country. Yup. Until someone remotely acceptable appears within my range, I'm totally ok with the idea of having a sugar daddy. Haha. This is provided I someone even wants to play this role in the first place! Lol. Hmm.

So here goes... Shameless self advert alert. I'm not gorgeous. I don't look like a super-model. I am definitely not photogenic. However, I can be as cute as I want to be in reality, I am quite open to ideas, I have self-confidence, adapts well to various situations and I'm both a good listener and entertainer. Height 168cm, and weighing 53kg. Healthy, not particularly sporty although I'm relatively active, slightly more artistic. Imaginative.

What is this paragraph for anyway... Not like its likely for anyone to chance upon my blog in the first place...

"Will you please kill me, quickly, if I go utterly crazy?"

Eat

Music Request

Niji by Aqua Timez


I'll never be able to go on a conventional diet. You know, where you cut down on your food intake, or you eat less meat and carbohydrates? Yup. It'll never work for me. I simply love the food available in my home way too much. Its justified. My mom just prepared charsiew and pork ribs. baked to oven perfection, it was sweet, succulent, tender, super juicy... Great. I did have some spinach and peas to go along with it, but... Yummy! After that was ice cream. Equally sinful. Argh. Tiramisu flavoured. Absolutely sinful. I mean, my home doesn't have all the various snacks and drinks that kaen's house those, but boy, do we have nice meals. Imagine what I would miss out if I went on a diet! No way! My mom did go for a whole bunch of cooking and baking lessons, and she's pretty good at experimenting with food. Thats why I think I'll never be able to be lazy if I'm trying to lose weight... no idea if it is a good thing or a bad thing. Sigh.


Now, why do I need to lose weight? Simple. I've signed for too many characters that require a body-type that I currently do not possess. An excellent example is this:





See? I so totally have my work cut out for me! This is Kan'u or Guanyu from Koihime Musou. Yup. The female version of Guanyu from Three Kingdoms. her hair is so long. Wonder if mine can grow to this length... Cause you can't tie a wig, unless its specially ordered and customised for her. That will cost a bomb, which I'm not willing to spend as I have to make her saber and costume as well... You totally have to hand it to the Japanese people for thinking of such things. They combined all the big shots from Chinese Literature and History, to make a game and anime, with practically a 100 percent gender reversal. So you have people like Cao Cao, Lu Bu, Gongsun Zan, Zhuge kongming... Yup. mixed and match. oh yeah. Diao Chan is totally worth a laugh. Go to the official website for details. Just read the Traditional Chinese words and navigate. They grabbed practically all the seiyuus that they could find for the enoermous cast they have, with one little difference. None of the seiyuus are the really big names. Amusing.


Ah. It feels so good not to have to go to school tomorrow. I am absolutely in the lets-have-fun-and-play kind of mood. Not a good thing considering the fact that my exam is barely a couple of months away. I guess I can blame the school for the current state I am in. Still, I have tried to motivate myself by arranging study seesions with friends. Anything as long as i am not left to my own devices at home. Otherwise I'll end up using the computer excessively. Honest. I need to be self-aware and face up to my weaknesses. Yup.

Kaen, this is all your fault!





" Kids should remain as kids; adults should just buzz off."

Plans

Music Request

Tokyo Diamond by Kato Kazuki

Saw the list on Kaen's blog and me, being the competitively organised person that I am, decided to make one of my own too. As everyone knows that I'm a lazy bum when it comes to stuff that doesn't impact me in the long term eg. technology-related stuff, I'm just going to type everything down. Like this:

Photoshoot December 2008 ~ JunJou Romantica - Nowaki

Cosplay - All Minor Events ~ Ludwig Kakumei - Dorothea

Cosplay - Cosfest 2009 ~ D. Gray-man - Jasdebi

Cosplay - EOY 2009 ~ Rekka no Honoo - Aoi

... Koihime Musou?

I never thought I would say this, but I can almost understand why some, if not most, guys like moe. I came across this photo shoot feeler for Koihime Musou in SGcafe, and the characters just totally blew me away. It is so uber cute! So what if the characters were created with horny and perverted males in mind? So what if the weapons will most likely take near forever to make? The costume design is simply AMAZING and the characters look so cool, I think I'll do it regardless of how fetish-ish it appears to be. No sorry, how fetish-ish it is. Serious. I'll lose the next 2 kilograms and I'll work out and act cute for the camera. Koihime is absolutely gorgeous. Completely sold on the characters already. Haha. Lost cause.

Outing with the D.Gray team on Monday. Needed to wash my cupcake dress, but I didn't know how exactly to programme to new, stupid, technologically-way-too-advanced washing machine, so I asked my Mom for help. Let the cat out of the bag, but I don't really regret it. At least now that its in the open, I can stop destroying my brain cells by thinking of ways not to get caught. Able to spend more time and effort on the entire thing in itself. Oh. I have three now, three of my black darlings. Silver, cupcake and smelly. Yes, smelly, cause it came stinking of the clothing factory. Yuck. Quite a wardrobe that I'm building up. Three dresses, a black pannier, a pair of punk boots, a pair of lolita shoes, three types of stockings, a pair of black gloves, a few pitiful acessories... I'm now interested in this.

Should I get it? Its a waloli, which I don't have. I'm unsure if I'll look good in this though. The price is reasonable, $75, inclusive of shipping. Yup, shall I buy this? Polling you guys. Would like your opinion. Note that it doesn't come with the pink petticoat (innermost pink underskirt thats peeking out form under the dress for all the ignorant). Sighx. What shall I do?

From the list, it seems I'll need to work my socks off during the holidays. I need to tailor the costumes, which means I need around a hundred dollars per costume. Haha. I think the Koihime photoshoot will need even more as there are weapons as well. Nowaki and Aoi will be the more economical costumes; Nowaki as I'm borrowing the pants and maybe, the wig while I have the shirt, and Aoi as I can make the lower skirt and beret on my own while borrowing boots from my brother. Still its not really very cheap. I think Jasdebi will cost around hundred and fifty, minimum, while Koihime is likely to go into two hundred. And these two are merely for costume! Expensive hobby that I have... This is on top of my penchance for buying Japanese music and Lolita fashion! Anyone wants to donate to Yukino???

"Money doesn't grow on trees, so thats why I need a sugar daddy!"

Teacher

Music Request:

Gekidou by Uverworld


There is cause for celebration. My preliminary examinations are over! Haha. Nope I didn't go home straight like I hinted I would. Instead, I went to Hub to collect my socks from Kaen, that was previously lost in the black hole of her home and now found. I call in willpower. I wanted to get my woolen socks so badly that it re-appeared in her home out of its own free will. Haha. Nonsensical, but who cares?


Today was both Math Paper 2 as well as Literature Paper 3. Bad. I sort of just gave away even more marks during the Math paper while in Literature? Haha. I was too busy reading the text. Yup. There was just this sudden desire to read Heart of Darkness again, and I, being the stupid idiot that I so obviously am, READ IT. A bit. Still, I'm an idiot cause I did it. Sighx. The good news is that my writing speed has increased without compromising on the legibility, so now, I can, without TOO much of a strain, complete 2 sides of the foolscap paper. Yippee! I consider this important, as those who know me can testify, I write slower than a snail can crawl. Honest.


Tomorrow is Teacher's Day. It started as something of an obligation, but I actually just realised that I have HONESTLY GOOD things to say to my teachers. All of them. Including Head Monster. Say what you will, but she really did teach me things. Not necessarily academic stuff, which I did pick up, but also life skills. Values. That sort of thing. So, yeah, I started out hating her guts, but although I wouldn't sign up to join her fan club, if she has one, anytime soon, I respect her as a teacher. Which is more then can be said for many of my previous, and even some current teachers. Talking about Teacher's Day, I'm not going back tomorrow to neither Cedar nor SMPS. Instead, I'm heading out with Kaen and WinterS. Its the tailor and Alice88th. Yup. The only regret is that I will not be able to see Miss Joyce Tan, but other then that... Nope. Cedar and SMPS has changed too much for me to feel a real sense of attachment to the school anymore. Its a sad fact of life.



Tired. the adrenaline of ending my examinations has drained away. Shall recharge now.




"Goodnight world. Tomorrow, will you still remain the same?"

Why

Music Request:

Endless Story by Yuna Ito

Koizora by Yui Aragaki


Everyone dies. Everything ends. Its only a matter of whether its sooner or later. So why do I hold onto the trivialities of this life? Why do I force myself to confront that which only serves to bring me pain? It would be so much easier, so much better to just live and let live. Why do I pick at old wounds? Why do I try to analyse myself? It will all end all too soon anyway. In terms of this time, the eternity, what is the short 85 years of my life? This is even assuming that I'm not prevented by others from dying at age 40.


What is love? What is it to cause all of us such pain? Even lab rats learn to avoid the electric shock. Yet for human beings, who are suppose to be more intelligent, how many times to we try the same path? How many times must we get hurt, cry, console ourselves and binge on chocolate before we learn that its meaningless? Why do we plunge head first in, and leave others to clean up after us when we emerge and emotional wreck? Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Due to our bio-illogical clock? Addicted to pain, addicted to the momentary happiness, one would think we are a species of masochistic drug addicts...


I have never been to the edge; I have never truly loved anyone, nor have I truly hated anyone. I have never devoted my all to anything. Nothing. Not anime, not cosplay, not Lolita, not my studies. The only thing that ever came remotely close to devotion was dance. Still, it was far from true passion. No one has ever made me want to love them forever, nor hate them forever. It all fades into nothingness after a while. It doesn't matter at all in the larger scheme of things. Am I emotionally handicapped? Unable to love? Not even knowing how to hate? I say the words, but its all empty inside. Like it happened to someone else far too long ago to matter to me anymore. Did it come true after all? Of the winter snow...

Kaen, you should go read this. Quite true, but remember, we are in between. So nothing really applies completely. Why am I like this? I think I'm schizophrenic. My personality just changes everytime. So I am whiny, serious, blunt, shary, lack initiative and is too proactive. I'm loud, rough, a bitch and like to dress up. So who am I? Did part of you become part of me? I never intended it to become this way. It was all for that moment of fun.


Sorry.







" Questions? Some should have never been asked."

Smile

Music Request:
Mirrorcle World (Its not a spelling error on my part!) by Ayumi
Gardenia by Malice Mizer

Kohei Uchimura.
(click for his interview... in Japanese.)

I know, I know. It goes completely against the general trend, but still... I can't help it! I mean... There's talent, a generally amiable personality, and it seriously doesn't hurt that he's totally ADORABLE. His smile is that of a little boy! Haha. Irresistible. For those who have absolutely no idea who I'm talking about, it just goes to show that you've been living under a remote rock for the past week or so. Ok. Maybe not. For the past day? Haha. Uchimura-san is of the Japanese team to the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Specifically of the Men's Artistic Gymnastics team. Individual 2nd!

Okie. I know I'm super biased. First and foremost, I really like Gymnastics. That alone is sufficient for me to stay up until 2AM in the morining, secretly watching TV. In Gymnastics, my favourite is Artistic, for the sheer power and grace. All these, coupled with my personality should cause my current preference to be relatively expected. Uchimura-san rocks!

Lets evaluate this more rationally. Or not. Oh forget it. I'll just list down WHY I like him:

1) His smile is SOOO cute! (This shows how superficial I am.)
2) He kept at the apparatus even though his wrist was badly injured. (Duh, this is to be expected. ALL of them continued despite injuries!)
3) He's only 19! ( Reinforces concept of my shallow nature.)
4) He was placed 2nd! ( Wait. I liked him BEFORE I found out about the result...)
5) He is NOT that cocky Yang Wei! ( UH. Right.)

I have no idea why I like Uchimura-san. Although for point 5), its not that I don't like the Chinese team (hey, I like the Chinese girls! Talented and dedicated. Although tops will always be Catalina Ponor from Romania...), rather, I don't like Yang Wei. Indeed, he's good and completely entitled to brag. Still, the fact that he does deducts brownie points.

Wait. Some of you, not you Kaen, may realise that I sound like I'm contradicting myself. I'm not. Atobe is in a totally different league. He isn't cocky, ok, maybe he is, but his charisma makes it all a-ok. Haha. I'm just so biased that I think I'm insufferable. Haha. I guess, we all have our exceptions. Arrogance isn't an attractive quality in anyone, save those cool bad guys eg. Sephiroth (He has a choir singing his name! Imagine!), and really random and unique individuals, like Atobe-sama. Haha. I rest my case. I'm a gone case. See? Repetition. A sure sign of madness...



"Do not do unto other what you want others to do unto you; others may have different tastes."

Think

Music Request:
Love Addict by VAMPS
Drink It Down by Larc~en~Ciel
Instinctive Love by Kato Kazuki

Haha. Apparently, people do read my blog, and respond! Love ya! You know full well who you are! :) There's this really warm and fuzzy feeling that I get when I open my Gmail Inbox and see mail from Blogger, telling me that someone commented. I feel even happier when I see an email with an ATTACHMENT sent to me from my friends! Yippe!

Yeah. Some will conclude from this that I am easily satisfied, easily contented. Yet, is this even accurate? I know arrive at the main content of today's post, courtesy of my current state of Literature poisoning.

What is the truth? We see things from our perspectives; there is no other way. Hence, through our individual experiences, which cannot be replicated, based upon the expectations, treatment and influence of others on us, we are aware of what is our truth. Nothing else. Yet, is truth really all that we can see? Obviously there is more. Hence, we go around collecting the truth as perceive by others, in order to arrive at what we may consider the true face of Truth. These different pictures of the same thing by different people... How do we know it is accurate? We cannot. We assume they do not lie. Nevertheless, there are often conflicting viewpoints - some things simply does not add up nicely. What then do we do? The normal reaction is to reject the information that does not seem to tally with the majority of our data. It is this which I wish to question. Does an anomaly equate to an untruth? What if it was another side of the Truth, like the other face of the Moon? Just because we are unable to see the other face of the Moon does not mean that the Moon has only one side. In this way, our physical self thus limits the mind. We are unable to think out of the figurative box as we are inside the box. Never able to look outside, how will you be able to surpass the boundaries? Those who continuously advocate creativity in a vacuum are trying to create life from nothingness. Unless you are God, which they are not, it is impossible. We are defined by our physical selves, perceive through our physical selves and thus, are, more or less, our physical selves. Our human experiences, which are beyond our self, which is in turn, beyond thought, that extends past language, is not something that can be grasped by our mortal definitions. Some things are just not meant to be caught and trapped, to be restricted by our narrow understanding...

Heavy stuff? Haha. In a way, it sounds as if I'm trying to be deliberately profound. Oh well. I'm just trying to voice out my thoughts from this afternoon's lesson. Everything is in a mess, discussions are meant to mess things up, and putting it all down in words, regardless of its inadequacy, is still better then nothing. I hope you understand...

Oh. Translating a Japanese music interview is tough. Too much katakana, although the kanji helps. I really need to go learn Japanese. At the same time, to brush up my hiragana... Seriously atrocious. Takes me near an hour to translate simple sentences. Tiring as the font is teeny tiny too. Still, the picture of HYDE makes it all worthwhile... :)





"A sadist is a masochist who follows the golden rule of 'Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.'."

Chase

Music Request:
Do Me More by Namie Amuro
Illuminati by Malice Mizer

Okay. I know I owe you this much - an update. Here goes:

1) 9 days to my GCE 'A' Level prelimnary examinations, and I am completely unprepared. Intend to spend the whole of tomorrow studying economics in the library. Anyone and everyone is free to join me. Most probably in Toa Payoh. Sms me if you wanna study too, I might change my mind at the eleventh hour, as I am prone to do.

2) Listening to the songs by Gackt that Duck uploaded for me. Love Diablos. So nice...

3) Went out with Duck, her Benj and Kaen on Friday. Had lunch at my regular joint in Lucky Plaza, before we went to Kinokuniya. Realised that her Benj cant read Chinese to save his life. Sad. No, more like disappointed. Though I suppose on the account that he's Peranakan, I can cut him some slack. Went bersek at Kinokiniya. They were having a sale, so I signed up for a three-year membership, bought the US edition of GLB, What's In, the Japanese music magazine, and Cosmode. Should have made use of the additional discount and gotten Cat Street and Venus Cappricino as well. Oh well. Spent a lot yeah? And that's not all...

4) On Friday, I too went shopping for Clare's birthaday present. Bought her a bracelet and earrings. Sharing with Viv, HF and most probably, Angie, I hope. HF is a great friend, seriously. I hope she gets what she really deserves in life. I mean, it'll be really unfortunate otherwise. Haha. I don't think she realises it yet, but she's something special :)

5) Oh. This is something pretty big. I signed up to do Nowaki from JunJou Romantica in a photoshoot in December this year. With Kaen as Hiroki. Amazing yeah? I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for all the likely poses. Still, its not too bad. I can think of worst things. Way worse... like 'A' Levels... Wait. For all you people who are still nice and innocent and uninitiated, ITS YAOI. You don't know what it means? Go Google it, and prepare for an amazing aesthetic feast. No Kaen, don't say I'm evil...

5) Kaen is going to Japan, namely Tokyo and Kyoto at the end of the year. I want to go Japan too, I mean, Sherracoon and XW are going for TeniMyu stuff, with Soph most probably heading there early next year. Thats practically my friends in this circle. Sad. If I could go, I'll spend 3 days in Harajuku. After all, there's so much to shop and see. Although I'll most probably need near a thousand dollars to fulfill my thirst for the stuff. More money will be needed if I want to head to a host club to look-see... Ok. Anyone willing to sponsor me? I promise I'll be really nice to you for the rest of my life/ your life, depending on who dies first. Haha.

6) I wonder how Hyde smokes and sings at the same time. So obvious that I diasgree with smoking yeah? Not my life. Shall not interfere with choices of people I'll never meet in my life *shrugs*. See the PV of his latest song LOVE ADDICT in his band VAMPS with KAZ. Nice and violent, with a cool twist at the back. Funny too, but in a black, situational hunour kind of way. I like Hyde's voice, and I think he's a seriously interesting guy, but I'm not sure about the direction he is heading. Yeah he looks cool, and absolutely unlike a typical middle-aged guy. Still... I think he was more impressive in Laruku. He's still short though. Haha. His height won't change regardless of where he stands. So what if he's at the front? It wouldn't work. Stop kidding yourself Hyde-sama. The only reason why he gets away with it is cause he's so adorable... An adorable 39 year old man. I'm screwed.

7) I'm itching to dance. I have no idea why, considering my apparent lack of regard for dance when I was in the CCA. Maybe it was because of the system and the atmosphere. I have no grudge against dancing itself, in fact, it seems that I like it a lot. Miss it. Was watching Namie Amuro's PV Do Me More. I actually got of my seat to copy her routine. This only goes to show how much I need to dance. I suppose I'll sign up for dance lessons again after 'A' Levels.

8) Bought Hyde's 666. Companion album to Roentgen. I like. Nice guitar... Favourite is Words of Love, Sweet Vanilla... Like most of the album :)

9) Happy birthday! This goes out to Kor, Lavi, Dhilshad, Kailing, Shiying and all the people I don't know born on this day :)



"I'm not a diary! I'm a person! No one cooks chicken with beancurd juice! Madness!"

Real

I wonder what most people do to cope with rough patches? Why I wonder? I'm going through an awful period of time now. I'm so depressed I eat a bar of chocolate everyday. Not exaggerating. Its like this:

Mathematics D
Economics D (barely)
General Paper D (the first!!)
Geography E

Horrendous. I was so stunned by my grades that I was numb on the bus home for the past 2 days. Just stared out of the window blankly, hearing music but not listening. Its like there's this tough thick shell around me that keeping me from flipping. With such grades, I think I will qualify as a retainee. Honest. Yet, if I do a careful analysis of the entire affair, its GP and Geography that's affecting me. Why?

First and foremost, until this year, I have NEVER failed English. NEVER. I have no idea if its the teacher, as I performed well in Mr Whitby's class last year, or me. Serious. I"M SCARED. There. I've gone and said the name of the evil bogeyman living deep inside me. Grades like this, when people around you are getting A's and B's are no joke. Its frightening. Doubt creeps in, and you begin to question everything. Lifestyle, effort, ability, mood... it all goes under the microscope. And I have had enough of the numerous sickening comments on my handwriting. Just because it can't be seen from the moon doesn't make it microscopic. Furthermore, I have one of the most legible handwriting on the face of this planet, so those who write in teeny scrawls have ABSOLUTELY no right to criticise. The limit to my patience is a very real boundary. Three strikes and you're out. Don't say I don't give sufficient warning.

If I were to force a more positive outlook, I suppose I can say that there was an improvement for Economics. During Promotional Examinations last year, it was a sub-pass, so at least I improved by 2 grades. My Mathematics was never excellent, although its a huge fall in my grades (from a high B to a D!), so i suppose its not too disappointing. All that is left is my Literature, which is off to a poor start already. I have resigned myself to my grades. All i can do is to put in more effort, which I am for Hypothesis Testing. Economics... I suppose I can go back to writing more essays. I will definitely study hard for Geography, I'm now actively trying to make sure I do a good job in the topic of floods. Sigh. A wake up call of the most brutal nature. I suppose there is a reason for having the exams after the holidays. It really gives us more time to study. Now all I feel is that I have totally wasted an entire month in frivolous pursuit.

Ok. Cosfest will be the last. I'll wrap everything else up for this year. Start studying. No more self-questioning. No room for errors. Lets end it all with no regrets.




" Meaning? What meaning do you seek? Adding your own interpretation to completely meaningless reality is the epitome of futility."

Young and Over Indulging ~ YaOI

Okay. I so don't have time to put in the necessary effort to write a proper post. Its simple. I'm too busy watching Jun Jou Romantica! Haha. Its the first time that I'm really watching yaoi. Like pretty... intense yaoi. Okay. I like Usami and his bears! So kawaii! Yup. I know as a fangirl, its sort of wrong to be in love with Suzuki-bear, but still... Its so KAWAII!!!! I mean, Misaki is adorable (when he's not making out with Usami) and Usami is ubercool ( when he isn't making out with Misaki), but Suzuki-bear ROCKS! Hmm. The other pair, of Hisaki and Nowaki (I think their names are spelled like this...) is awfully sweet. The seme and uke is less obvious, unlike Misaki-Usagi, and there's more of a connection. I guess its because, I a) do not have an elder brother, b) I don't know anyone who's earning tons of money as an author, and c) I'm not in any kind of relationship with anyone. Therefore, the sweetness appeals more to me. That, and the kawaii factor of Suzuki-bear! Man, if only I had a bear as cute as Suzuki-bear. Ok. Sorry. Couldn't find a nice Junjou picture without any words, Japanese or otherwise. So you'll just have to make do with Kaori Yuki. Haha. Not like its BAD. I love her art...


On to a more objective perspective! The plot's pretty good, but the music is terrible. I sort of fast-forward the entire introduction. No point listening if it grates on my ears. Talking about music... I bought Hyde's Roentgen! For only 20 dollars! At HMV! Haha! Its only so cheap because its one of the special collections. I saw Gackt's and Malice Mizer albums retailing at an earth-shattering price of some 60 dollars! Per album! Daylight robbery. I mean, is the price justified? I think not. I have this nagging suspicion that buying from overseas will be cheaper at the rate prices are increasing so outrageously. Sigh. Now the only problem left is finding some way to pay. That is a really big issue.


Regarding money, I need someone to find me a pot of gold. Or to teach me where to get a treasure map. I'm considering a new pair of shoes and another black Lolita dress. Which needs money. That I don't have. I have just outlined the problem. Tada! So yup. The shoes and dress cost $90 each, bringing it to a total of $180. Argh. I should just forget about it eh? Hah. As if that is remotely possible. Well. I suppose I'm going to save up for it. Just like I'm going to save up for my iPod. Shoot. The total amount is equivalent to about... One and a half month's worth of pocket money! Plus additional for cleaning the house... I so totally have to get a job to finance my super expensive hobby. This stinks. I detest being constantly broke. AHH! I give up!

"At the beginning of an addiction, you're happy. Its later that you die."