Journey

Playlist

The Umbrella of  Glass by Versailles

Its recess week! 

Yeah, that is the only exorbitantly overjoyed expression that you will ever be able to squeeze out of me these days. Its as if I have forgotten the concept of a holiday. Why do I say that? I'm thinking of taking summer classes.Yes, go ahead and be horrified. You should, after all, its like one presenation every week, one report every other day, and the exam one month from the first day of class. Its not easy, and I'll need to pay extra $900 for that one module. So why do I want to do this to myself? I'm afraid of too much stress should I be crazy enough to take two majors. Yes, two majors. Double the workload, triple the stress, quadruple the difficulty. Yes. My precious summer break after suffering at the hands of school related stuff for an official 32 weeks, I'm going to subject myself to another 6 weeks of NIGHTMARE. I think I must have gotten more stupid after entering university. Either that or the lack of sleep is impeding my ability to think. Either that or my cheer flyers have fallen on me and killed one too many brain cells.

I wonder what is appealing about me. I mean, I'm not pretty. I'm not exceptional in any way. But there are people who still like me. Personally? I think I'd think I'm too much of a pain to be a friend with. So what if I'm loyal and dedicated and all? I think its all over-rated, in many ways. Can someone please enlighten me?

Its strange how I'm so eager to cosplay nowa days. It used to be a twice a year thing. Now its so often and intersped between all the free periods that I used to have as breathers that I can hardly get a proper rest. Yes, it is a hobby, but I think I'm at the edge of the line between passion and over-doing. If I have around 3 photoshoots within the first half of the year, and considering that classes start from the first week of January, and if we include the infamous amount of work I need to put in for my school... I might be over doing it by a weeeeee bit. I've already cleared one costume this year. There are about 4 more to go. 4 costumes a year. I think I need to get my head examined. I'm seriously messed up.

I wonder if this is a sign of emotional instability or some other coping mechanism or another. I say that I'm going to quit as a 'reason', as an excuse to cosplay to my heart's content. Indeed, I will feel really sad when I really quit the scene. I've made many friends, met many people, learnt a lot, seen a lot. I think cosply, or rather the community, taught me how to interact better with others. Where every word you say is a potential land mine, and where every word you say matters more. And where every word you say loses its meaning so quickly that you might as well have never said anything, and where the things you do are over looked and neglected. Where the people magnify many many things, and kindness pops out at the most unexpected places. It wasn't all fun and games, but I think its something that's like a baptism by fire or something. Makes the socially inept people more adept at navigating the tricky waters of social activity. Hyper-awareness kicks in now and then, and you see this world in this surrealness that is so beautiful, and yet, utterly forlorn. I don't think I'm making sense to a lot of you, but there are moments of glaring clarity and insight. Like I said, I cosplay to find myself in all the roles that I play. No, it isn't about showing off or showing skin or announcing my difference to the wide world. I'm looking for myself.

"A journey that does not end."

Honest

Playlist

Konayuki by Remioromen

Right now, I am supposed to be doing my two chapters of Law readings. But as you can see from this post, I am most evidently not doing that. Just bear with me for a while. I'll hurry back to my thick and unappetizing law textbook soon.

I have never been in a 'real' romantic relationship. I have never loved any guy that was real and not related to me by blood. I have never had crushes on my seniors. Nor 'that hot guy'. Nor someone's boyfriend. I have never been nervous in front of any guy, save my family, especially my dad, when I was young and trying to filch more food/ lie, my Aikido peers and seniors when I was trying to smoke some technique and recently, my teachers/ professors when I'm trying to smoke through a presentation. Yeah. In other words, I was not brought up to be conscious that I was a 'girl' and that there were something different known as 'guys'. So when I see my girl friends giggling nervously about someone or another, I can only pretend that I know why they behave that way and participate in a similar manner. Its called peer pressure, and if I learnt anything from my social education, you have to conform to a certain degree to survive.

So if you were to fangirl over some musician or actor or book or character, I can empathise; I'd even join you, as I do feel that emotional high. But, if it was a real person, and you pointed him out to me, for the life of me, I wouldn't be able to tell you if he was 'hot' or 'cute' or whatever. I could tell you if he was kind, considerate, or a bastard, a jerk, but I couldn't gauge his physical attractiveness for you. I'd tell you I like guys who have deep voices, based on the kind of music I like. I'd tell you I like responsible and mature guys, and who wouldn't? But if I were to fall head over heels in love? I think, so far... None. Of course, I often give relationship advice to friends who ask it of me. Hey, I'm a logical, rational and mature individual. I can tell you if someone is bad for you, and outline a few things you can do. If I can't give you advice, I can always lend a shoulder, a helping hand, a listening ear... That's me being me. I'm dutiful, loyal, caring... HEY. I'm NOT A DOG.

Nevertheless, regardless of all these, you need to know that I have never been in a romantic relationship. Emotional maturity and logic can only go so far without experience. There are many times when I have no idea what to do for my friends who are stuck in a rut; I simply cannot comprehend the magnitude of emotion. I do not understand the foolish things that you do in the name of love. The silliest thing I've done in a similar context is probably to plaster my room with Laruku posters and call it a shrine. Or perhaps write sappy fanfictions in secondary school to express my loneliness and desire for acceptance. It was always very self-centred and microscopic. Which is why I think I'm not cut out for romantic love.

I've been told that I'm cute. I've been told that I clean up well. I've been told that I'm interesting. I've been told that I'm pretty (with make up). I've been told that I'd make a good wfe and mother. I've also been told that I'm too aggressive. And that I'm too loud and raucious. I've been told that I'm noisy. I've been told that I'm arrogant. I've been told I'm demanding. I've been told that I'm weird. So? Who am I? All of these, plus some more. I'll show you all my flaws. i've nothing to hide, because this is who I am. But don't forget, I have my strenghts as well. Don't put me into a box, and pretend that you know everything about me. Even I don't know everything about me, so don't try. Let me fly free, and if you're lucky, I'll keep you entertained and let you see things you've never seen before.

Thank you.

"If I can't be honest with myself, than everything in the world is meaningless..."

Lunar

Playlist

sleep by SID

Its Lunar New Year. or Spring Festival as its known in Mandarin. To celebrate the coming of spring, which I think is kinda silly since its still snowing in most parts of China, but hey, who am I to comment on what my ancestors decided upon? Anyway, Lunar New Year is a time of the year where the whole family gets together to celebrate, eating home-cooked meals, gambling, socialising, talking... Just having fun and celebrating the fact that there are ties that bind. 

At least, that is what its suppose to be about.

I'm not sure about most other people, but I think I can safetly say that Lunar New Year gets increasingly irritating as you get older. Every year that I grow older, I see the elders get frail and wrinkly. I see the elders shrinking, losing their essence. The more I see them, the more I want to spend time with my grandparents. I know that they don't have much time left, and I want to hold on to them with everything that I have. I've always been like this. Very emotional about the people that I love, and utterly oblivious to strangers. I'm not sure if I'm compassionate; I'm definitely not caring though.

I watch my younger cousins and family friends grow up like bean sprouts, and even my younger brother, whom I see everyday, is growing up so fast. I want to be there for every moment that matters, but that is as likely to be possible as me making the Dean's list. HAHA. I see them all growing up, so full of hope and innocence, and I want them to keep their precious untainted soul. I don't want them to become jaded like us...

It is so obvious that my parents and aunts/uncles are aging. They are losing physical ability, and in a bid to hold on to their youth, I often see them do and say all sorts of silly things. I see a loneliness that is inpenetratable, because in their quest for something or another, these adults have given up things that are coming back to bite them. They are different from the elders. The senior citizens have come to terms with their losses, because they know they do not have time to mope. It is often the adults, and their unconscious belief that things can still the way they were in the past that is frightening. I hear the delusion, the utter faith in their ability, the determination to keep things the way they are. If there was a god that they prayed to, it would be themselves. Some of them are more aware, but there are those who are stumbling into the very traps that they claim to abhor. Maybe I lack faith in myself. Maybe I ought to be more determined. Maybe I'm the one who is really and truly flawed. I can't really know. But its not everyone, and it is my conviction that it is only a few of them that is slightly comforting to me as evidence that I've not lost my full bag of marbles, at the very least.

I think growing up hurts. Its a weight that bears down on you. Life often seems to be a really cruel experience that we are all put through, as if we are suppose to gain a secret prize for hitting the pinata blind. I'm not sure, but I think its not fun if everytime you missed, you get an electric shock? But in many ways, this is the way we live.We complain, but nothing really changes. We try to change things here and there, but its like reducing the strength of the current rather than removing the current. The shock remains. All we need now is a hide that is thick enough.

"Since when did the two of us become only one?"

Personal

Raison D'Etre by Dir En Grey

I now know that I need freedom. I need to be able to do the things that I want to do without having to account for them to 300 other people. I dislike having to explain everything I choose to do, because some of these were done due to an intuitive leap of logic and understanding. Some are due to impulse. I cannot explain to you why I would want to buy a blue jacket. I could tell you that its pretty or cool, but what was it that could convince me to part money is beyond me. Ask a psychologist. Just stop nagging and chasing after me for an explaination. I'm using a very domestic example because the other examples are likely to insult more people than I can possibly afford to insult. I don't want you to silence my windchime. I don't want you to ask me why I have to arrange my driving exam around Chinese New Year. I don't want you to ask me why I'm always so busy. I don't want you to ask me why I have so many things on my plate. I don't want to be nice to you only because I need to have a good grade. Like I said previously, I think I should become a hermit. University is starting to make the draws of hermit-hood apparent to me.

I think I am an introvert. I need alone time to recharge and make my moods less turmultous. I need alone time to think through my decisions. And I do these best if I'm provided with music or manga or TV or a book. While I lose myself in something else, my subconcious recharges and sorts out my problems, to a certain degree. Its like what they say, sleeping on a problem helps you to solve it. As for me, not thinking about it helps. Not like its possible with all the constant reminders everywhere I turn to look. I know extroverted people are externally motivated, but could they pity the people like me? Stop blaring messages everywhere you go! I need peace and quiet with myself!

I hate myself for taking my anger out on others. I thought I stopped the habit, but its back, apparently. I dislike the word apparently as weel, but I just used it... So. I know what this says about me, and I don't like it one bit.

" Pressure is good in an optimal amount. Anything more will result in a nuclear meltdown. Remeber that."

Hermit

Playlist

Cars on the road...

I'm so tired of social conventions. Social norms. I'm so tired of being someone who is 300 times more polite, more couteous, kinder and nicer than I really am. Its not a one hour thing. Nor a one day thing. Nor a one weke thing. I've been trying so hard, and putting in so much effort to tone down. I've been wearing away my natural response to create something that is artificial and acceptable by the general public. If this continues, I am about to become one of those personality-less people who walk around. There's no soul, no character. All that exists is a creature that eats, breathes and performs the basic functions expected of it. What is the purpose of such an existence?!

I come with a few barbs. I come with a few soft spots. I come with my strengths and weaknesses, and I know I'm not perfect. But what does it mean when I try to remove all the bumps in my personality to create something else? i think I come across as a stereotype to most people. That I fill the space of girl-with-a-mad-interest-for-all-things-Japanese. What in the world does that mean? I'm expected to have weird ideas. And do silly things. I'm the girl with the somewhat funky hairstyle who's, not stupid but not smart, and makes a lot of noise. Something like that. I'm sick an tired of whatever there is on my plate at this point in time. I see no purpose in whatever it is that I am doing. I can hardly find any join. Cheer is a form of escape. Cosplay is another problem. Music numbs the pain. But nothing really removes the root of the problem! The problem? Is people.

On a side note. This. Mixed team should consist of 5 members including 3 (three) male or
maximum 2 (two) females. What shall I do? Shall I quit? Since I'm practically useless?

I need to sleep and think about this. Just because my Buisness Law presentation is over does not mean that life is now better. Its not. Whoever said that university is like breezing through air has obviously never seen a typhoon.

"My new goal in life is to become a hermit."

Fruits

Playlist

Birds chirping (I have a balcony and I stay on the 10th floor and there are plants and flowers and...)

I'm usually pretty apathetic about government policies and comments, but I'm incensed by what I've been reading recently. Yeah, yet another blogger jumping on the bandwagon, but what is unfair is unfair. Personally, I respect my government for what it has done for the country and the population, but recently, it seems as if there has been an increase in loaded comments. I'm not one to wear my affilation on my sleeve, but I honestly like my country. Its quite safe, generally clean, the people are kind-hearted, although not always considerate. On the whole, its a decent place, and I'm honestly appreciative. Nevertheless, I think comments that all of us need to work at double our capacity without providing statistics is ridiculous. I'm not sure about everyone, but from what I can see, we're a pretty hardworking bunch. We work the assigned office hours, we try not to surf the Internet at work, we try to meet objectives, we obey the rules... In a way, we're a little like sheep, not that its a bad thing. Sheep gives you wool at least. I've never heard of productive herds of lions. Sheep will only give you as much as you feed them and take care of them, so if you think we aren't producing enough, you need to invest more. I'm sure you can import various other breeds and types of animals, but will they fit into the herd? Will they want to follow you? Are they going to keep producing at the same amount? How long will they be as productive? It is the same as comparing apple and watermelons. Both are fruits, yes, but the circumstances are different. You can't say that the apple is 'worse' or 'less productive' than the watermelon because it has lesser seeds. You can eat the skin of the apple, but only the core of the watermelon. Apples grow on trees, and watermelons on the ground. Its a fundamentally different fruit, and unfair to compare them directly.

Sigh. I wonder if anyone who reads this will be someone who can do something. People often discuss about the effectiveness of online media, with many applauding its efficacy. I think the writers of these articles must live in the 1990s or something, because we all know that online media is a hit-and-run thing. Its a lot like the real world, with each website a little store. Blogs like this are smaall shops in large shopping malls, while there are big sites who take up the whole of a certain street or have a building to themselves. So yeah. I'm not likely to be heard at all. But its okay. At least I said something, and this is better than a tree falling in a forest where no one knows a tree fell.

"To the wind I scream my heart's desire; where will it be heard, I wonder..."

Day

Playlist

The news on TV.

I feel lonely. Was walking home from the MRT after Japanese class, while listening to Stay Away by Laraku, and this overwhelming sense of loneliness swept over me. I guess I'm still... Injured, for a lack of a better word. A bit afraid of getting hurt once more. I tentatively open up, but I guard my heart with barbs and landmines. I know that I am being unfair, and I know that there are people who are actively trying to approach me. Most probably, they mean no harm, but there is no way I can just let them approach. Its really childish, but I'm hurt, so I bite anything that comes my way to scare things that might hurt me away. Its to keep myself safe. Something very instinctive and basic. Yes, I know that I am a member of a civilised community and society, so I should conduct myself in a manner that is more befitting of my social station but... To these people, I am really very sorry, because its not really your fault. I need some more time. Let me get used to you again. I need emotional therapy. I'm stubborn. Pig-headed. When I give, I don't expect anything in return. But I'm human, and I have a limit, so if I keep giving... I run out. I burn myself to the ground. And then I need to reconstruct myself again. Like how I'm doing now. I'm lonely, but what else can I do?

Its been a month since school started, and the workload is exponentially increasing. I think I'm less stressed then I make myself out to be. I happen to be a very vocal person, so everyone knows if I have a problem. But whether or not it is a serious problem is a different matter. I am busy, but not I'm not absolutely neck deep in aligators all the time. Some things just need me to sit down for a few hours to think and work on, and then POOF! I'm alright again. At least that is what I think, simply because a friend told me that I can cope better with stress than the other people that she knows. I'm not sure if other downplay their problems while I go around broadcasting it. I have to say that I describe my problems exactly as I perceive them with as minimal exaggeration as possible. I don't enjoy entering into a 'I'm more busy' pissing match with anyone; in fact, it makes me sad that others can't have fun either. Sigh. I think the description of university that I get from my elders is a joke. PLAY. Have FUN. SLEEP in CLASS. Make FRIENDS. Either university culture has altered so much that the truth they knew has become a lie, or they were deluding themselves all along. I will never know for sure, but I can say this at least. UNIVERSITY IS A VOLUNTARY PRISON. You pay money to slog your guts out with no guarantee of any benefit when you graduate. Ridiculous, but its the closest to the truth anyone will ever tell you. Or maybe its just my school. RIGHT~

This part will be completely random to many people, but I don't think its inappropriate for my blog. Am I batting for the other team? Most probably not. So both ways, I suppose. I want to learn to play a musical instrument. I should sign up for Muay Thai or something. I ought to trim my fingernails. I want purple nail polish. Chinese New Year is still so far away. I can't believe that the first day of Chinese New Year is also Valentine's Day. I wonder if I will get anything this year. Nah, that guy doesn't like me that way. I'm superbly anxious about the Business Law and LTB presentation next week. Daddy will be back tomorrow! Happy birthday Daddy! And hyde-san! Yes, I do remember! I want to watch the Winter Olympics. Why aren't there any new songs available? The JUBILEE scans are beautiful. But Kamijou is ancient, I mean, he's from Lareine! That interview with Gackt was so funny! Should I limit who can follow my Tumblr? Twitter is boring, and it seem slike one extended MSN coverstaion. I should do something about my MSN display picture. Should I update my Facebook display picture as well? Oh yeah, Facebook is getting utterly boring. I hate people who just add me as a friend on Facebook when they don't even know me well. I should periodiacally purge my non-friends from Facebook. I can't wait for the photoshoot!

"I'm an idiot, but I'd rather be an idiot than to be a stupid idiot."

Dehydrated

Playlist

La Verite Fermee by Lacroix Desperes

I'm so tired. I'm dehydrated too. Had a photoshoot on Sunday. Not a smart thing to do in the middle of term. Not that I seem to have learnt my lesson, going by how I just agreed to another 3 photoshoots, all within term time. These are for another place and time, but just to let you know, I'm not really complaining, in case I seem like I am. I'm just a bit tired, so all my sentences are structured in a more weary manner. I'm actually pretty excited to be working with my favourite photographer again. Yes, my favourite. If she ever sees this, I think she'll be pretty happy. No names; not the right place, but yes. Photoshoots are a delicate balance of relationships. Between the helper and the cosplayer. Between the cosplayer and the photographer. And between the photographer and the helper. There needs to be mutual trust and understanding in order to achieve something decent. You need a special spark in order to achieve something awesome. I'm not sure if I can say that there is that special spark between my photgrapher and I, but I do know that its not nothing, at the very least. Which is, for me, something in itself and something that I am proud of.

Sighs. I have no idea what to say here without coming across as an angsty teenager. First and foremost, I am no longer precisely a teenager. Secondly, I do not have much angst left. After I decided on my New Year's resolution, I have been working hard to keep to it. However, there are many who feel that I seem to be kinda angry at times? Not really. Today was tiring, but fun. Laughed non-stop during my group meeting. Its fun when everyone tries to play their part. And when people say really retarded things and can laugh at themselves.

Sometimes, I wonder if the things I gave up to make others happy were really worth the sacrifice. I wonder if they even know what I did for them. I guess not, because I don't even know that I did it for them until the time for decisions is long past. Its not a really concious effort to do something. More like, an instictive decision. Sigh. I guess I did whatever I felt was right at that point in time, and I should content myself with the knowledge that I have done whatever necessary that could have possibly be given during those circumstances. After all, we can only do what is right for that point in time. We can hardly be expected to do what is right for all time all the time. Oh well, at least all of us save those in politics. YAYness. We should be glad that we are not at the tender mercies of the American general public, going by how the media paints the task awaiting Obama. Good luck nyan~

"I plucked a star from the sky, and buried it in the greasy darkness of the Earth."

Book

Playlist


The wind


I just noticed something rather sad about my life. I'm a very lonely person. I'm not trying to squeeze you of pity, Heavens NO, but its just an observation that I had while I was showering just now. I like water, in almost all its forms. The sea. Ice. Snow, though I've never seen any real snow. Its a relaxing element. Well, to me its generally a relaxing element, probably because I interact with it in the safety of my shower. I've never been a sailor nor fisherman, so I can't really speak for anyone other than me, this urbanite who is unable to swim. So yeah.


Back to my realisation of loneliness. The thing is, I tend to participate in solo activities. Yes, I'm in cheer, but even in cheer, I'm very much alone. I don't have a partner. There's a group, but I'm not close to them. I do what I have to do out of duty and responsibility. Not out of my overarching love for my team. ANYWAY. You see, I like reading. Reading is a solo activity. I'm not particularly interested in being read to, though I bet I must have loved it when I was a child. I like sitting on one of the chairs in the library and reading book after book after book. Its okay if I'd read it before. New books hold pleasant surprises, while old books are a comforting and familiar friend. Sometimes you discover something new in books that you've read, and these are like uncovering something precious under your bed. AWESOME.


I like listening to music too. But I don't like noise. Which effectively means that I can only listen to music alone in the silence of my room, far away from raucous crowds that do nothing to aid my enjoyment. I'm happy to lie in bed and listen to my playlist until I fall asleep, serenaded by the bass, guitar, drums and the occasional screaming vocals. Rock music is my addiction. One day without listening to my music will send me into a bad mood. I've been a complete bitch for an entire day when I forgot to bring my music. I guess I need music to charge up my social tolerance. When dealing with idiots and faced with daunting projects... I need the tolerance to stop myself from getting expelled from school. Strangely enough, books and music do not mix. I can't read a book and listen to music at the same time. Enjoyment of both would be mere shadows of what it could have been if I were to do both separately. No such thing as 'the more the merrier' here.


These are very introverted interests, and I know of quite a few people who would comfortably put me into the category marked 'extrovert'. I'm not sure if I'm truly an introvert, but I do know that I need my own space to recharge. Being with people is fun, but I tend to feel more lonely after sticking around people for an entire day. Its the feeling that you're surrounded by people, but inside, in your head and in your heart, in your soul and your spirit, you are very much alone. Of course, the more religious individuals will, at this point in time, promote the various benefits that come with faith. Unfortunately, I don't buy into the idea that god, on purpose for some VERY vindictive reason, CHOOSES to create the disparities that we see all around us. As if all Americans were blessed and chosen to enjoy freedom and binge on MacDonalds while the poor African people suffer from starvation, carnage and whatnot. And god, our very loving father, CHOSE to do this to them. WOW. Cruel eh? So no. No religion that I can truly believe in.


I like blogging. I'm often told that my blog is a rare example of a personal blog that is not peppered with abbreviations and sound effects. It seems to me that it is more appealing to read a blog that is, in general, made up of grammatical sentences and makes an honest attempt to vary its vocabulary and tone. I know I'm trumpeting my writing style, but can you honestly fault me for being proud of something which I've invested so much in? Not money, but time, effort, sweat and tears. I remember reading Enid Blyton numerous times to get my pronunciation down pat. I remember the massive tomes of English exercise books that I ploughed through to improve my grammar and vocabulary. I remember the pages after pages of essays that I wrote to practice everything that I learnt. I remember the hundreds, maybe thousands of books that I read to improve sentence structure and cohesion. If there is something I am proud of, it is my relative linguistic ability.


I wonder if I'll ever be able to read everything available. Unlikely, as even if I were to have the luxury of time to read one book every day of the week, there a centuries worth of books to read, in so many languages, just waiting to be read. But should this time ever come that I actively seek to read every single book out there, it would be a sad day for me indeed. After all, if there is one thing that my shower today made me realise, I turn to books when I have no one to turn to. I hang out at the library when the silence in my head is especially jarring when I'm in an area bustling with activity. At least in the library, I can, like Alice, escape down the rabbit hole. I can delude myself into thinking that the silence in the library is causing the silence I hear in my heart.


We all need our delusions to cope with harsh reality.


"As the crows flew overhead, their black wings and cawing was an ominous harbinger of darker things to come."

Noh

Playlist

Inner peace. Yeah, its also music.

Just came back from a Noh performance staged at the National Library's Drama Centre. It was awesome. And it was free. Okay, as close to free as I could possibly get it to be, as I was running late and had to pay a freaking $12 to the cab driver, daylight robbery I know, but yeah. The performance itself was free. Even if I had to pay $20 for it, I would have gladly forked that amount over for the spectacular time that I had. No, it was not the company, because I went solo, as mentioned in my previous post. The entire experience was very positive and superbly entertaining.

I probably should go into detail about what Noh is all about, but I'm not inclined to do so. Simply because everything is just a click away at Wikipedia. You can even Google Noh and get some pretty decent links. So I shan't waste moonlight in telling you the long sob story. Rather, I'll just plunge into my review and opinion of the performance. Note that the perspective is that of a 20 year old girl, educated and brought up in a rather conservative environment. While I do cosplay and will readily admit to being a great fan of the Japanese language and culture, I am, in no way, an expert on Japanese society and culture. So yes. As a worst case scenario, you should treat my ramblings as that of a Westernised Asian girl.

The first act was Kocho. I'm not sure if this a very popular set piece, all I know is that its about this butterfly spirit that attains enlightenment. Personally, I felt that it was rather muted for something that was suppose to be a joyful piece. I mean, the dance was made up of the actor shuffling across the stage, with the occasional light stomps. The fan was opened and closed, the sleeves of the kimono was flipped around. That was about all I could see. You need to understand that this is my virgin experience with Noh. The closest thing that I've seen is Gasaraki, and that is an anime. We all know how reliable animes are, don't we? So yes. Don't take me too seriously.

The intermission was a Kyogen entitled Obagasake. This was absolutely hilarious! It was so funny! And I could actually understand a part of what was being said! The story is something everyone would understand regardless of culture, as its to do with family relations, stingy relatives and wine. It was performed by 2 members of the Jiutai, and it was a sharp, and rather welcome, contrast to the heaviness of the previous act. No instruments, no chorus, which might have been the reason why it was so light hearted, other than the lack of a more sombre plot.

Everything ended with another Noh performance, that is supposedly a classic, titled Shakkyo. Quite energetic, with loads of movement. There was lesser singing, this time done only by the chorus, as I guess it was too tiring to dance and sing at the same time. Hmm. I really like the wigs worn by the actors! It was so cute and fluffy. Think Fuyu no Semi style, but much more fluffy. The strands would flop around as the actors shook their heads (they were supposedly lion messengers of Buddha or something). It reminded me of Chinese New Year. The lion heads that were supposed to drive away bad luck? Yeah, it felt like that.

On the whole, the costumes were fabulous! I think I saw gold thread used so liberally that I wonder at the price of the costumes. Very very pretty. The fans look like they were painted with gold as well. No expense spared eh? Costume changes, so-called transformation, was done on stage! Quite cool, as the stage hands hold up the previous kimono as a curtain while someone helps the actor change. Oh OH! I saw two girls! On the stage as helpers, wearing the 'uniform' of the chorus and the musicians. I was under the impression that Noh theatre was the domain of men, and Japanese society being very very patriachal, I was rather surprised that they brought girls along on a tour. Hmm. Another thing I noticed is that most of the actors have the samesurname. I suppose this hints at possible Noh families, much like there are political, police, Kabuki, flower arrangement and tofu selling families. The family unit is very much alive and influential I suppose.

To the uninitiated, I think Noh may seem like a marionette show in certain ways, but I personally feel that it is infintely more interesting. Definitely not meant for kids though, for its a more abstract form of art that may be difficult for children to sit through. After all, I was there to watch the show. Not to listen to kids ask their parents why the actors walk so slowly, or start laughing when the chorus starts singing as it sounds more guttural than English and Mandarin. The masks are a wee bit disconcerting at first, especially the mask of the female aristo, with its rather sinister blankness (I have no idea how its suppose to look HAPPY like THAT), but they are strangely compelling, as you soon forget that its a mask as you internalise the plot and the character. At this point in time, I think a disclaimer is in order. I have no clue as to what the actors were singing, except that it was some form of Japanese. I was reading the subtitles, that were not reliable, and trying to interpret meaning from their actions and nuance. Not like their dead-pan expression helped me to understand.

The instruments were simple. Voices, a flute and three drums. The actors tend to stomp on the wood to create a certain beat. I'm not too sure, like I said, I'm a newbie honey!, but I think it was very interesting to see how an entire play can be conducted with these simple elements. The backdrop was a simple canvas painting of a pine tree, and their stage props were far lesser than that of a typical Western play.

ARGH. Just read my post and realised how weakly I'm describing Noh. I suppose its because it is an entire experience. Audio, visual, kinaesthetic and all. Words on a webpage can hardly do it justice. Sigh. If only you were there. I wonder if you would have been able to appreciate it. Nevertheless, I had a fantastic time. Attending art events alone make you think harder than if you were to go with a friend. With someone else, you'd only prattle about superficialities, and miss the larger experience. After all, its all about the experience, and the little insights and meaning that it adds to your life.

"With this bridge, I shall connect you to a fantasy wilder than anything any human mind can conceive."

Discovery

Playlist

The wind...

Its been a long week. Not that I did not have fun now and then, but the week has been long. Full of discoveries. Full of changes. Some changes were god-awful. others were inconsequential. And then there were some which might be rather promising in the long run. Nevertheless, it has been a long week.

I'm not particularly overjoyed to be back in school, although the shit has yet to hit the metaphorical fan. Driving lessons are picking up again, my Japanese lessons are drawing to a close, but I feel as uneducated as before I joined the class, and I'm dreading the inevitable increase in presentations and homework. Of course, there is the whole fiasco with my CCA, which, I think, by now, you have heard me moaning about it so many times that you would much rather I not talk about it. I know. I'm complaining a lot. But if there is something that I have come to admit, if I don't sound out my problems, people will just take it for granted that I'm happy and contented and will gladly take all the nonsense that they dole out to me. Unfortunately, no matter what delusions you have of me, I am very much a normal human being, prone to faults and whatnot. So yes, please just ignore my ramblings. I don't think they'd add to your quality of life or anything. Its okay if you don't get my humour. I've been told I have Inuit humour. Must be from eating flying penguins. OKAY. No more jokes!

Sighs. Its not becoming better! Its not improvong. Nor rotting. Its stagnating. Which, according to Eliot, is a sin. Its fine if you don't understand the reference. HAHA. Not funny. I think I shall never get married. Or if I do, I will never marry an Asian. But since I don't like Europeans either... I think I'll grow old with my pictures of tropical fish. Sigh. I will never get a mother in law if she is anything as crazy as that crazy woman in the lift. Sheesh. I'm a stranger. And you should not be messing around with your son and his wife. I need to marry flying penguins.

Attending a Noh performance later, as per advised by someone. Solo, but hey, beats sitting at home swearing at that idiot who asked me to read over a hundred pages and the other idiot who wants me to fight with propositions. URGH. May I live in peace.

"One wish is all I need. I'd ask for world domination~"

First

Playlist

Haru Haru by Big Bang

The first day of school was utterly depressing. First, my wrist was hurting like SHEEET. It has been hurting for quite a while after last week's training, but I must have slept on my wrist or something along those lines, because I woke up feeling as if someone was trying to saw off my wrist with a blunt saw. Next up, I showed up for school for a brief 1.5 hours for a seminar with a sexist Irish MCP. To save my ass, I shall quantify this. He is the first male middle-aged Irish teacher I know. Maybe most Irish guys are nice, leprechaun loving people. Maybe most Irish people are kind and considerate. I truly have no idea of the generic demographic stereotype. Whatever. He was sexist as HELL. So the guys can get away with buying him beer and the girls need to fuck him to get an A grade? Most disgusting joke I've heard in a classroom yet. Can't girls buy him a beer either? Or does he secretly want to fuck the guys in my class? Pardon the wonderful language. I'm quoting his terms. Gives my post more versimilitude. I don't care if he has a doctorade in Philosophy. He can have a doctorade in ant breeding for all I care. I do not appreciate being put into the box that says 'For Fucking'. Maybe drinking too much has addled his brains or something. Nevertheless, I think the people with problems are those who told me that they love him as he is funny. I'm okay if you recommend him for his teaching or his liberal A grades. If you recommend him for his female depreciating humour, as an upstanding member of society, you have failed. Even if you're a guy, I'm sure you have a mother, a grandmother? Or a sister? A female friend? If none of these can convince you otherwise, I would ask your mother to have drowned you in your bathwater.

As if all these were not enough, I find out that my group has been scrapped for Nationals. Oh JOY. This all because of the previously mentioned commitment phobic group mates of mine. Its ridiculous, the excuses they provide. They're always sick, injured or something or another came up. They schedule group meetings during training. Lack of interest and commitment. Sigh. So now, I only have trainings once a week on Thursdays. So that I can 'keep in touch' with the other teams while they train. Like WOW. I'm supposed to do physical training while other people are training, and I'm supposed to be all nice and enthusiastic about it, when Thursday happens to be the only day that I do not have to SCHOOL. So yeah. I'm stuck commuting to school everyday. Sure, I have more personal time. Sure, I can slack at home and turn into a couch potato. SURE. Damn it! This is more depressing than I thought it would be.

Sigh. The world seems to be working against me to ensure that I don't keep to my New Year resolution. And the dark circles under my eyes seem to be growing in size and getting darker in colour. I'm not sure why, since I'm clocking around 7 hours of sleep every night, thanks to my awesome timetable that usually starts in the afternoon. Sigh. Lets see how things go...

"Don't look back and leave. Don't find me again and move on. Because I have no regrets loving you, take only the good memories."

Term

Playlist

I Was Deceived By You - Brown Eyed Girls

School is going to start! HOMG. I am not prepared for the term to start. Not at all. I'm too used to waking up and sleeping at any weird time I fancy. I'm too used to going over to my grandparents' home for my meals. I'm too used to doing whatever I want at whatever time I want. I'm too used to the holidays. Sigh.

I used to find holidays a bore. There was always not enough things to do for the whole month that I got. I was always secretly wishing that school would start soon, never saying it aloud as I was afraid that others would hate me for being a spoilsport. I love school, you see, no matter what I was forced to do. School was where the library was. School was where there were fun new things to do everyday. School was where all my friends were. School was fun. Of course, when you're in university, things are less... Enjoyable. The library is full of references and and research papers that you're too lazy to read. The new things that you do are usually not fun at all. Your friends, if they're still your friends, have no time for you anymore, running after deadlines, boyfriends and CCA commitments. School is far from fun now.

Its not like I HATE school. Its just that I would have really appreciated a longer holiday. I need to recharge a bit more. Then again, I doubt that the holiday will ever be long enough to recharge for the ultra-competitive and super-mugger environment that is my school. Maybe the summer holiday may be enough. I won't know sure until the summer break is here, which is a very distant 5 months away. Yeah, what is 5 months in the decades that are our lives? Nevertheless, the human mind is not capable of emotionally anticipating the far-off past and future. Which is good, because all the pain and sorrow of the past is buried in memory. Similarly, the happiness that we had is drowned in the noise of all our experiences. Double-edged, but I'm not really complaining. After all, sometimes, the happiness you had is what makes your pain even greater. I shall not continue. I want to start this year on a positive note.

There are so many things to do this year. Really a lot. Leftovers from my cosplay ideas. New plans before I quit. Need to improve my GPA. New CCA. Need to start planning for my future. Need to think about CIP for school. Need to think about exchange and interships. I need to grow up.

Asked Boonie to help me calculate my horoscope chart. I'm Sun Sagittarius, Moon Aquarius and Ascendent Gemini. HAHA. Its only a small section of the entire natal chart, which is currently beyond my understanding though I'm actively engaging Boonie to try to correct this. You can obtain your chart here. Yup. You should try yours too! We can check our compatibility~

"On and on and on... Round and round and round in circles..."

Beginning

Playlist

妄想日記2 by SID

In the Anglo-Saxon calender, its a new year in a few more minutes. In this very eventful year, I thought I ought to put something very meaningful up here. Ok, I find it very meaningful at least.

Go placidly among the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and truthly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for there are always persons greater and lesser than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Be yourself. Do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perenial as the grass. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness, so beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace, whatever your labours and aspirations may be, and in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. Finally, with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful, and strive to be happy.

What do you think? I feel that this is something that is still very much relevant to us, although it was written some 80 years ago by someone known as Mark Ehrmann. People have not changed much in their emotional needs throughout the decades, although our material desires have most certainly increased.

Well, Happy New Year and take care!

"Meeting you out of the 1 billion other people in this world is a miracle in itself."

Reminder

Playlist

Typing on the keyboard.

Just watched Sherlock Holmes. It was a pretty good movie, with plenty of nice British humour. Jude Law was awesome as Watson, and Robert Downey Jr was very convincing as Holmes, full of lovable flaws. The movie was good, but solving mysteries is not good for my emotional state of mind. I'm thinking too much, and this post is the result of that. Maybe I'd wake up in the morning and regret whatever I am about to say here. Most probably would, but I have to say this. In this moment of clarity and understanding, I'd be a fool if I ignored the answer and continued to delude myself. There needs to be a limit to my childish whims, and I think this will become a reminder in times of doubt.

I shall not make the same mistake again. I was foolish to think that I could trust you, that I could believe in you. False god you are, and I was a fool for ignoring this. It is no one's fault but my own, and I will not pretend that I was enlightened. You did not betray me; I dug my own grave, thinking that I could find some way to a better world through you. I'm a fool, so many times over for not opening my eyes to see the truth. People tell me that the lack of intention is reason enough to walk the path, but I know, and we all know, deep down inside, that the lack of intention is THE reason to abandon the path. Why love a god who loves me not? Why do I even label you as god? Self-delusion, a hundred times over. Creating my own fantasy, I am such a fool! I sought comfort in one who had none to give. Sought reassurance in one who had none to give. Trying to escape my delusion and depression by falling into greater delusion and greater depression. Talking to you when I am depressed just makes me more depressed. Seeing your uncaring face when I need love just makes me more hurt. I must be a closet masochist. You just give me pain and take my energy. A give-and-take relationship indeed.

Enough. I am not a child to throw mindless tantrums when I realise that I am in the wrong. I don't like hurting myself. I can bear the pinpricks to avoid getting grinded. Sever the cord. Sever the pain. If I repeat this again I'd be copying Eliot's Murder in the Cathedral. I feel like I'm being used, being betrayed, and I happily allowed myself to be led to the slaughter house. Partially my fault for not resisting. Delusions, like I said. Dreaming of a place much better than that which I live in. Tempted by the sugar cubes on the way to the slaughter house, like Muriel and ribbons and sugar cubes. I'm not a goat.

I have always been pretty good at reading people's faces. I learnt this from reading the face of someone inscrutable to most of the human race. I can read the little nuances, when you get irritated, happy, puzzled, sad and angry. I know of more complex emotions that would need more than a word to describe. I can see it all, no matter how many times you try to hide it behind those rapidly blinking eyes and mock poker face. You know you can't win against me, but you can't really shoot me down, so you just stick to one point and insist upon it, like some child who insists on having sweets before a meal. It doesn't work. It only makes me irrtated, and your lack of regard for my opinion makes me want to wring your neck or slam your head against some hard surface in the hopes of knocking some sense into that thick skull of yours. Yes, I have violent tendencies. Pent up aggression that has no way to go but to dig deeper inside. Hoarding anger, as if it was something precious is not the way to go. I hate myself for being unable to express my anger, because I'm afraid of losing the people I want to love.

I guess I should give up on one-sided relationships. It takes up so much time and effort, and bears no fruit whatsoever. So many people that I cherish, only to find out that I don't matter enough to them. So many people that I value, only to find out that I'm almost worthless to them. Just another passer-by in their life. I should stop working on these people. Yeah, some will tell me that I'd regress into a loner like this. But I wonder, is it truly worth it? At the end of the day, when you die, you'd still be a pile of dust, all alone in your little jar on the shelf somewhere. Depressing? Its the truth. I believe in instant gratification, as in the long run, we'd all be dead. Some really smart Economics people came up with this saying, which I think is amazingly accurate. In another 60 years or so, most of us who are alive on this planet, as of this moment, would be dead.

I wonder if I'll look at this in a few years and wonder why I'm so jaded even though I've seen less than two decades of human life, most of it spent in a blur of growing up. Or maybe I'd think I was ridiculously childish to think that I had understood life after experiencing so little. Hmm, it would be interesting to know I how I would behave.

" I don't need the people I hate to cut me to pieces. The people I love are already doing an excellent job."

Me

Playlist

Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park

Its a few days before Christmas, but I do not feel the least bit festive. There is no good cheer, no good mood and the weather is so nice that I want to shoot the weather report writer. I guess in the tropics and in a country smaller than some large cities... How much can I honestly expect? Anyway, I will not be talking about my Malaysia trip as that is a cosplay event and you can jolly well go to my cosplay blog to read about it. Its the same URL as this, except that its located at WordPress instead of Blogger. This post, is about me.

Yes, I am a flawed person, like everyone else including Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa and Hitler. Not funny. I'm just not famous, nor infamous. I'm an obscure and insignificant existance on the face of this earth, except maybe to the ant I just squished under size8 foot. To that ant I'm probably a murderer. As you can tell, I'm a wee bit sleepy, which is why there's an overload of terrible self-depreciating humour. To those who think that my blog is emo-shit, I'd like to remind you that this is an online blog. Everything that you read here tend to be in proper grammatical sentences (as far as possible) and is of a tone that is more formal than most blogs. I cant bring myself to type liek dis cause i think its bloddy irritatin 2 read abbrv on a blog.  So if you will excuse my spelling, I'd like to type posts that would not give my English teachers an anueryism. So if you think it is 'emo' it is most probably the language I choose to use. Its practice. I treat every single blog post like an essay of its own. Come on, respect language. If you don't use it properly, it will come back and bite you on the ass later when you need to construct grammatically sound sentences with variations in vocabulary. Ok, I have digressed into language. I apologise for the constant lecturing, I often assume that my readers are minor idiots, although it is unlikely to be true most of the time. No offense to those with a substantial understanding and linguistic maturity. You will have to bear with me for the sake of those at the bottom of the pyramid.

So am I really being all depressed? Rather than depressed, I'd think I'm slightly irritated and disgruntled. I was deluded into thinking that I was mature when I'm still just a kid. There are still so many areas that I like maturity in, and my immaturity shows when I'm being pushed to the limit. ARGH. I need to grow up faster, or I'll be in trouble. Not trouble trouble, but rather, life will be more difficult than necessary. And I really do not like troublesome things. Its not that I think I'm absoultely childish, hell no. More of this feeling that I lack the experience and capability to react optimally in times of trouble. I'm okay if the problem is not mine. I can function fine if its more of a daily thing. Yet, when I'm alone and when the going gets tough, I lack the knowledge and as I said experience. Yes, experience... Something that only time and opportunity can give me. Sigh.

Oh yeah. YES I'M LOUD. You have a problem with that? Hmph. If there's one thing I've learnt, its that if you don't make noise, no one will hear you. Not that its an excuse to be a nag nor a reason to chatter endlessly... But regardless, Its my way of letting myself be heard.

" We all have to give and take, but when you're doing too much of either... We should shoot the person screwing with the balance."

Crave

Playlist

New Divide by Linkin Park

I miss dancing until my calf muscles cramped. No, I'm not a masochist, but rather, I miss the sensations that came with dancing. The feeling that you were rushing from one pose to another changes with practice into something intangible, like expressing yourself through dance. Of course, I'm talking about choreographed dances, not freestyle. Its amazing how something so messy can become an actual dance, but even more than that, I must say that the ability to express an emotion that is not exactly your own predominant state of mind is awesome. Its a sort of dizzying happiness that permeates every pore. As you spin, jump, kick, twirl... Every drop of blood is singing along to the music. If the music is depressing, you actually feel like crying after everything, no matter how awesome you danced. Its just a reflex. A reaction to the song. SIgh. I miss dancing so much that i can't really but it down in words. Dancing is something that appeals to a more primitive part of me. I mean, I'd automatically think of dance moves to go with my favourite songs. Its natural. So this lack of dance in my life has been rather depressing. yes, I'm in cheer, but its different. Cheer is a very regulated routine. The actions tend to be pretty stiff, which is unlike dance where you loosen certain muscles in order to portray fluctuations in style. Okay. I am totally out of my league here. As you can clearlt see, I'm fumbling to find the appropriate terms to explian something so instinctive I'll be surprised I don't dance in my sleep. Sigh. I just... Miss dance. Yeah. Its nothing to do with cheer! Its like... Having a craving for apples while you're eating mangoes. It doesn't mean that you don't like the mango! It just means... You want the apple. This is one heck of a lousy analogy, but oh wells.

Busy busy week ahead. I'll be leaving for Malaysia in less than 5 days, but I've yet to finish preparing for the trip! I was hoping that I could spend more time with Kaen, but things didn't work out that way. Sigh. I'm not upset per se. More of just a wee bit disappointed that things aren't going the way they should. Sigh. Okay. I'm quite disappointed actually. The reason for going is lost, and the numerous problems don't make for a more appealing trip. The final issue just makes me want to scream at someone, but I know its not really anyone's fault. It was just a mutual agreement that was broken. Everything off the record. So yeah. Who am I to complain? I guess I've reached the stage where I'm resigned rather than actively upset. Ok. If you got lost by this paragraph, I'm not going to explian the entire long sob story. I'm not trying to part you guys with your pity. URGH. ARGH. *gnashes teeth*

OH YEAH. I need to go to the beach. Anyone wants to go with me? The itinery is simple. Find a nice shady spot and SLEEP there the entire morning. Yup. Yes, I know what you are thinking. I am NOT a pig okay. I just want to hear and smell the sea. Maybe if I'm in a good mood, I could, you know, introduce you to the sea too! HAHA. OH, That reminds me. Should I do a beach shoot for Zone00?

"What you built you lay to waste..."

Darkness

Playlist

斬～ZAN～ by Gackt

I need a haircut. My hair is all dry and limp and boring. The strange thing is that it always smells like... McDonald french fries. I'm not joking! Its... Quite irrtating, especially for me who dislikes fries. I'm not sure about others, but fries, to me at least, alwasy taste horrible. Its either too salty or too hard. They are often really dry as well, In short, undelectable. So to think that my hair smells like that... URGH. This is a nightmare! Just to let you know, I use Clear Mint Shampoo and Herbal Essence Camomile Conditioner. Then the leave in conditioner is Kanz Hair Repair Serum. Its not a lot of stuff, nor very expensive. I know of people who swear by salon products, but I personally don't see too much of a difference. Sometimes, I use Asience. Just to mix things up a little. I'm not sure, but I think there is a need to mix products. Regardless of hair, make-up or face-related care products, I've never been one who saw substantial results from using one single range. I know the products are designed to work best together, but I would really like to know on what basis were the tests conducted. Yeah. I doubt we all have physical factors that conform to that of testing.

Sleepy~ Flare has just started again, and I can't help but feel angry at some of my team members. Ok. One team member. She happily signed up for a 3 week overseas community involvement project, knowing full well that we had to train for Nationals. Yeah, we all need CIP, but maybe do it during summer? Or have an ongoing project? A shorter CIP trip? There are many options available. Besides, what is so special about teaching kids in Shanghai English? I assure you, its nothing spectacular. Sigh. I know, its a circular argument. Yes, our team is not fantastic. Yes, we are all newbies. Yes, we are hardly good. Nevertheless, if she were to put in more effort, I think I would feel less upset. I'm not trying to achieve group stunts gold or anything. I just want a team where everyone is trying their best. Yes, I know we all have different commitments. We have different priorities. I know it is pretty unfair of me to ask more of her. But I don't ask of anyone what I cannot give. She is the weakest link. She is not strong, neither physically or mentally. She doesn't work out in her free time. She often skips practice. Now that she is gone for a good 3 weeks, when she gets back, regardless ofhow much gtround we have covered, we're going to have to start from square one again. Simply because she won't know how to execute everything. So we'll be comparatively physically more fit, and armed with more technical knowledge... I can see reasons for her to skip more trainings and get even worse. ARGH. This is utterly depressing! Ok, I shan't think about this too much, I bet I'll get a brain aneuryism.

I'm not sure how I should say this. I don't want to hurt the feelings of people who read my blog, because I know there are some who will go, "Are you talking about me?" when its not directed at them. Its just... Something like enlightenment, albeit more depressing in nature. HAHA. Its more of an observation. Ok, I'm spinning round in circles and I've yet to say anything substantial. Please don't take it personally. This is not for a person who reads my blog. HAHA. At least I don't think this person does. "You suck. You're pretty useless aren't you? Pompous, arrogant and completely useless. In a way, I pity you. You're so lousy that I don't even feel like saying anymore."

Oh OH! I'm reading Yami no Matsuei again! Oh my goodness, its so complex! Manga is way more amazing than anime. And so cool! I dig all the characters. Well, all except Hisoka. He is such a total pain. SO... For a lack of a better word, UKE. I like cute ukes okay? But he is just confused/complacent/takes Tsuzuki-chan for granted/complains a lot... He is just absoultely annoying. My favourite character is Touda, then Tsuzuki-chan with his cute doggy tail. Followed by Hakushaku. And Tatsumi-san! I tell you, Touda is HOT STUFF. Like. Literally and figuratively. I love his attitude. And how he loves Tsuzuki-chan and understands Tsuzuki-chan. Oh. It doesn't hurt that his true form is this awesome serpent thing that spews black fire. Yeah. I kind of liked Suzaku until I saw her human form. I have a 'thing' for fire. Its symbolic, in many ways. And yeah. MAYBE it has a WEE bit to do with Him. YEAH. The capital H that does not represent anything religious. Than again, you could say he is my religion. HOHOHOHOHO. Ok, I'm scaring myself.

"The day we hold hands and dance around a bonfire is the day we celebrate the death of humanity. 'Cause you're the last person I'd touch with a ten foot pole."

Friend

Playlist

The construction next door. I'm serious. Like... Thrumming bass?

I do not believe in deleting post. Each post must mean something, in order for you to spend some 15 to 20 minutes typing everything out. Its not a short period of time for a whim or fancy to be expressed in cyberspace, when that time could be spent way more productively in self-entertainment. So that post ought to say something, especially since there are going to be people who spend time to read that which you've written. Of course, there are avenues of expressing a whim. Think Twitter. Or Facebook status updates. Whatever rocks your boat. The difference is in that this is a blog. It needs to chronicle a deeper level of meaning than the random ramblings of us in our transitionary stages between moods within a day. Which is why I try never to post more than once a day. Time will smooth out the less important impulses, leaving what really matters behind. What I say is usually the status quo, at least until there is a need to update again. So if there are no updates, than that means my life has had no notable updates. That, or there are so many updates that I gave up updating.

In this way, I usually abstain from expressing anything too emotive on my blog. I suppose I feel that emotions are like the wind. It comes, and goes, and it just sweeps everything up and about. So I don't think its a reliable gauge of personal development if I were to continuously post my emotions. My posts need to be something which can convey to me my voice and state of mind when I read the entry 3 years later. And I won't be too embarrassed by what I said. Thats my benchmark. To not regret anything that is there for the world to see.

Right here and now, I think to fully appreciate the rest of the entry, you will need to read and understand Kaen's blog. I'm not in the habit of having blog responses, but I guess for something like this, its only courteous to respond in kind. HEY. I have manners ok?

I think its good to get angry. To get upset. To feel remorseful. Its even better to want to make things better. To make it right. I'm glad that you realised it. But I'm not glad that you understand. You see, in a way I would have loved it if you never knew. I don't like the people I love to get hurt. I'd keep everyone in cotton wool if I could, becuase life is full of rough and tumble. But I can't. If I do so, people would never grow up. And not growing up is dangerous in this big bad world. So I try to ease the fall. Instead of a 10 story smackdown, I'd try to lessen the fall. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Regardless, there will be an impact. The moment where everything clicks in place, and the entire situation looks like Chernobyl immediately after the accident. But the aim is not to completely remove the impact, but to teach you how to land, and how to get up again. There's bound to be an aftershock. You will think its all bleak, and you feel like crap. But look at Chernobyl now. Sure, there are no people living there, but its one of the most ecologically diverse places on earth. Mother nature took what the humans abandoned and nursed it back to life. In the same way, let nature take its course. Time will ease the bumps. The human mind cannot take much pain, so our brains haze what it can to lessen the burden on us. I don't hate you. Not at all. On the contrary, I might need to thank you for helping me grow up. I learnt to adapt. Maybe in the beginning I was thoroughly upset. I can't really remember the emotional intensity anymore. But I learnt that we're different people, no matter what we joke. And I really adopted what I said. I made something that mattered for superficial reasons into something that does not, and I think it might have been one of the best things I did. Saved me a lot of heartache and grief and sleepless nights trying to achieve something that I did not really want. In a way, my upper secondary school years gave me a solid foundation to work on. I'm not that easily beaten. I can honestly say that I'm stronger after all this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and scars fade away.

Haha. I'm a really loyal friend. But its not easy to be my friend. Most people will fall into the acquaintance catergory. A person where I wouldn't risk a single strand of my hair to save. I don't like to prove anything to anyone. I don't like to prove my dedication. Or my love and affection. So just know, ok? 'Sides, its ok to get hurt for your friends. Its ok to suffer a little. Because that is what relationships are built on. Blood, sweat and tears. Its effort, time and commitment. Its not easy, but nothing worth fighting for was ever easy to get, was it? With regard to my detractors, its ok. Thank you for being angry for my sake. Thank you for supporting me. I really really appreciate it. And you don't really need to do anything to make up or anything. I'd say it to bully you, but I'd never really need you to do anything. The thought is enough. Though more cookies would be AWESOME. Like I said, I only need the people I love to love me. Thats all. If you love me as much as I love you, we'd all be happy campers.

Ok, anymore mushy stuff and people will wonder about the purpose of my post. You're suppose to say 'thank you' and not 'sorry'. You really are slow if you don't understand why, but its ok. I can wait for you to understand.

""When life gives you lemons, take those lemons and squeeze them into the eyes of your detractors."

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思春の痕 ～love me, hug me～ by Vidoll

It seems like it was just a while ago that I was whining on and on about not having time to do all the things that I want to do. Now its the holidays, and much awaited at that. I've been pretty busy since my exams ended, mainly playing catch up my friends whom I've not seen since the middle of term. Cheerleading practices are on the cards, as well as a short trip overseas for a change in scenery. I'm not going to work this holidays, mainly because of the relatively short nature of this break. I'm not crazy enough to try and drive myself into my grave when I've only barely survived my first semester. Work will most probably feature during summer break, when I think I ought to have more time. JLPT also ended recently. The exam wasn't as horrible as I made it out to be. Its just that I don't want to be overconfident, as there is a definite possiblity of failing. And failing badly at that. Sigh.

So why do I sound so listless? It might be because there have been costume and wig problems. It might be because the people that are important to me have been hurting me, and not realising that they have. It might be because I have gone crashing into walls erected where I thought none stood. It might be because my results will be out in a few days as well. Sighs. Life is not a bed of roses even after exams.

Nevertheless, I feel kind of happy. There is no better feeling that that of someone being upset for your sake. Its a really complex emotion, because on one hand, you are superbly pissed off by what others have said, and on the other hand, you are really ecstatic that there is someone out there who is willing to stand up for you, and that person is your friend. I'm serious. The feeling is great. I've never thought much about standing up for my friends. Not that I don't do it! Oh no, its just a reflex to get upset at things that hurt them. As I'm usually the one doing the defending, I've never really been on the receiving end of such staunch support. Its gratifying to know that someone cares. That someone loves you. That wherever you are, there's someone who will defend you. Sigh. Even if the defense is seriously lacking... I guess its the thought, and the act that counts. I'm happy.

Ok, I have a few great ideas for photoshoots. All I need is the people to make it happen. I promise you, my ideas are great. I may not be the most creative person around, but I am superb at representing concepts. I have no idea, but I just happen to be good at themes. Not GREAT. But good., There is a significant difference. i'm not sure of the significance level, and I can't tell you the confidence interval, but trust me. Since when have I ever really let you down?

I should really join FedEx. Those who get the joke should applaud themselves. Its boring being witty when people don't appreciate the humour nyan~

"I accumulate happiness today so that I can deal with the shit people give me for the rest of the week."