Rewind

Playlist

Turn It Up by T.O.P.

This will be a short post, partially because I need to sleep and partially because I have nothing much to say.

School has been hectic, but still alright so far. I think the main difference is that with my knee injured, I can't train anymore. That gives me more time to concentrate on my school work and projects. Yes, I have only an extra 3 hours a week because I am expected to help out, but its still a lot to me. Managed to catch up on some work, but I think I distract myself too well. Summer was much too fun, and I'm having withdrawal symtoms now. Not good at all.

I think I have some suicidal tendencies. Otherwise I would not have gone ahead to bid for the extra Ethics class that is on Monday night immediately after Managerial Accounting. I would have given my brain a break. The only good thing that i can possibly think of is that the presentation is this coming Monday, so I won't have to worry about presenting for Ethics at the peak period after Week10. Not that I won't be stressed, what with my heavy subjects and tough instructors. I guess the thing is that I want to try? I might actually give up on Flare in order to keep up with my school work. I'm alreading putting all my cosplay plans on hiatus. I have also yet to start on my Medusa (I really think the only time I will have to sew is in November after my exams. I can foresee it). Loads of problems and I can feel my stress level increasing. Sleep debt growing. Health a bit weird. Time with friends rapidly decreasing. If anyone thinks that they are busy, see my timetable. I bet I can rival most people. I'm clocking near 80 work hors a week. And I'm a student!

I feel lonely. Perhaps its because most of my friends are attached and busy with their significant other. Perhaps most of my friends have schedules that totally clash with mine. Perhaps it is because I feel tired from always being the one tokeep in touch, and always the one who has to be happy and enthusiastic. Perhpas I am tired of being treated like a spare tyre, something that is there only to supplement when others have no other alternatives. Perhaps I just need to get away from the expectations of others and myself. The weight is a burden and I'm starting to lose my focus.

I need a place to rest my soul, and I think it is hardly likely that I am going to find it anywhere near me anytime soon. And so on I tread. Even if I am alone, I guess I should make the most out of it? Some of my friends may think and feel hurt that I don't consider them comrades in arms. But honestly? Think about it, how many of you can understand this weight? We may have similar weights, but it is not the same burden that we carry. Self imposed you may think, but its something that I have no way to escape from. 5.5 units. 6 classes. One heavy CCA. Cosplay. Friends. Personal life. Family. I'm thinking of a way to run away and its only Week2. This is bad.

"Its okay to cry, because we all know this will be nothing but memories in the not-so-distant future."

Return

Playlist

My Heaven (Japanese Version) by BIGBANG

And thus, school has started. Year 2 Semester 1. Jammed packed with people I know, people I've seen around, people I don't know, people I know too well, and of course, people I wished I'd have never known and people I miss. The amazing thing about organisations is the people. And with Singapore being this tiny country and the world being this small? Once you know someone, the likelihood of meeting them just increases exponentially. Year 2 is really different from Year 1. There are certain expectations in place, and there's this unseen pressure seeping into you with the nonstop references to internship, graduating and GPA. Not as much unbridled joy as before, but it has its own attractions. Like being able to anticipate how long it takes to travel to school so that you can sleep more.

I want a holiday. Yeah, term has just started yadda yadda yadda, but I really want to go on a holiday. Family or with friends would be nice. Countries... Taiwan? Indonesia's Bali? Japan? I would not mind goingback to Honk Kong again either. I think its just me being all escapist. During term you want to run away, but during the holidays you sometimes think of going back to school. Although that did not really happen this time round in summer. I guess it was because 30 weeks of formal schooling was enough to make 3 months seem short. In SMU, time passe oh-so-slowly when you want the holidays to come and there's always not enough time for projects and exam preparation. Most paradoxiacal indeed, but as the theory of relativity exists... I can say its all relative to what I'm doing.

Most of my classes this semester are in the afternoon. Only Biz Pro is on Thursday morning. Fridays are off, so if I really really wanted to, I could run away briefly. Not that I can afford to. I need to up my GPA by a whole lot tobe able to get some form of recognition from school when I graduate. I wonder if I am being too ambitious? But I refuse to think this way. If I don't aim for something, I will end up with nothing. I want to get a 3.5 GPA. I want to do well because I know I need to give back to my family. I want to do well because I know I will hate myself if I don't do better than that person. And anyone and everyone who reads my blog should know who is that lucky person that I wanna out-do.

Not sure why, but I've been in no special mood to blog recently. I think I might be getting more reticient. Either that or I'm getting reticent. I've realised I don't make for a good conversationalist on the internet, although I'm perfectly fine with for face to face and phone conversations. I just can't keep the conversation going if its online. And I'm supposedly young and tech-savvy. Oh well~ If this blog dies for a month or so, I don't think it'd be the first time, so I'll just apologise to my readers. I think hardly anyone is reading my blog nowadays anywya... So a bit of a non-issue?

Sleepy and tired. Hungry as well. My timetable gives me more time to sleep and prepare for class, but it is bad for my tummy. I have cookies and Pocky for lunch. Or I have a heavy tea break. Screwing up my internal meal allocation system. Sigh. What can I do? I could barely get any classes, so I shall not be picky and try my luck in changing classes left right and centre. But next semester will be killer. Finance. Marketing. CAT. Management Science. And I might just throw Ethics into the mix. I'll see how. I still have about 10 weeks to decide. After all, its only Week 1 of Semester 1. Long way to go for a short journey.

Shall conclude here. Not much else that I have a burning desire to say. Hungry. I shall procede to dinner, finish my Japanese homework before appearing online again. Wish me luck~

"Be careful how you wish for something that you want, because someone out there might just make your wish come true, and your phrasing might make all the difference..."

Moment

Playlist

Departure by Deluhi

New single by Deluhi that only has the PV that I've left on repeat. This is going to be a rather short post because I am currently dying (again), and because I need rest and sleep, I will be a horrible blogger and ignore my blog. Not that I've much of a choice as this is the first time in 2 days that I've been online, and the first time in a week that I've had more than half an hour of time to spend in front of the computer with nothing very important pending my attention. So yes. I am rushing because school is starting. Getting all the fun I can afford, all the trips I can make,all the shoots that I can squeeze... This holidays feels unreal and super duper short.

I've been running around mainly because of Japanese exchange buddy who arrived on the 3rd. Spent a few days with her, letting her get familiar with Singapore and other administrative stuff. After that... I've been in school? More or less clearing up CIP and convocation nonsense. Next week is my last week without school. of which I'd spend one day at Convocation, one shopping for M's pearls, one day at a photoshoot, one day meeting my other Japanese buddy and playing... There goes my week. And my holidays. And school begins once more.

So much to say, but so much that cannot be said. So many people have made me angry, and so mnay people have made me happy. I've done things that are really fun, and have been bored way out of my wits. I think this holiday has been rather enjoyable? Met new people, learnt to work with more people, experimented with travelling alone, picked up a skill, cleared my CIP hours, spent more time with my grandmother, watched a lot of movies, facial and spa, improved my make up skills... I did quite a lot? My only 'regret' would be that I did not get the chance to really sit down and read a good book from start to end. I suppose it has something to do with me not chancing upon any such interesting book? I've not been at the library often, which might explain my dire lack of reading material. Its so ironic how the nearer you are to something, the more you'd take it for granted, but if you were to really think about it? Don't we always take those near and dear to us for granted?

I think this blog will look much better once term has stared. Right now I'm still trying to piece all the parts together, so I'm only blogging when I have a brief respite. If I'd known my life would be so packed, I would definitely have joined less stuff. Or at least put my name down for fewer things. Life like this is virtually not a life. As you can tell, I'm really tired, which is why all the pessimism is slowly but surely seeeping into my post. Not my original intention, but it can't be helped, I am in this mood. 

Will go to bed soon. Something like now. I need the rest, or I will proabbly fall ill as I've been abiusing and depriving my body of sleep. Not a good idea, because the rebellion by your body hurts. Nights all.

"Just for this moment, even if it is a lie, I'd like to think that you'd never let me out of your embrace."

Breathe

Playlist

Ongaku by Kalafina

Previously, I always derided people who said that they were too busy to update their blogs. My idea was that if blogging was really such an integral part of your life, you'd definitely have time to update it. Well? I now have greater respect for people who have the time and energy to blog every day withour fail, and I will no longer be as skeptical of those who say that they are too busy to update their blogs, because I finally understood the concept of too busy.

From last Thursday, I've been treating my home like a hotle. I leave early in the morning and return late at night only to shower, pack my bag for the next day and sleep. I've not been able to read a single magazine article, much less finish a book. I sleep on the bus, doze on the train and at any time that I'm free, I'm either planning my next move, rushing my stuff or just catching up on sleep. A brief on what has been going on since last Thursday if you don't have access to my Google Calendar (which I shall now promote here as a fantatstic tool for consolidating timetables).

Thursday was Balloning Fundraiser at AMK hub from 10am, ends at 830pm, followed by money counting at Pearl's house until midnight. Went home to sleep. Friday I woke up late, rushed a bit of my Japanese homework, did some simple chores and went for Japanese class. After class at 10pm, I rushed down to Boon Lay for the overnight balloning. Saturday morning at 5am we ended and headed over to G's house to crash and get some shut eye before our duty started at 10am. Had duty until 4pm. where I ran home to shower before going out for a movie with StarF. Went home and CRASHED. Woke up to have breakfast on Sunday. And then I went back to sleep until noon. Woke up to have lunch, cleaned my house and then out again for Jay Chou's concert until midnight. Monday awoke at 7am because there was Arts Camp that started at 8plus. Was in school for the cheer segment until 4 plus, before I went to the gym. Showered, then met StarF and SD for dinner and some FoR discussion. Reached home at midnight plus. Tuesday lunch was with PBF at Clarke Quay where we talked a bit, and I had to go at 2pm for K with the B2 guys. Sang until 6plus before leaving for training with G, who had to go to school. I somehow slept in on Wednesday and went to have lunch at NUS with StarF, before heading to the tailor to collect Snake. After that rushed down to Great World for dinner before heading to Zouk. Zouk was a NIGHTMARE. Shall not elaborate or I will be inclined to commit homicide. ANYWAY. Went home, slept, woke up, rushed to NUS and here I am now. Training later. Tired just TYPING all these. I have no idea how I manged to survive this few days.

If you'd like details and specifics about all the stuff I've been going through, do feel free to drop me a note/ SMS/ call. I'll gladly tell you all the nitty gritty details in all their horrendous glory. And you know whats the best thing about all these? I'm going to be rushing about next week too! Convocation rehearsal, my exchange buddies coming over, training, Japanese class, birthdays, school books to get, CCa stuff to arrange... Life just gets more hectic. And there seems to be no sign of it slowing down anytime soon. I hope things get better when the school term starts, which is unlikely, because i need to rush out the details for my POH costume aswell? I think I'm trying to kill myself. So many shoots, 00project has beach and sleepwear. SW3 needs to be done before my roots show. POH needs to be done before December. I can see myself getting overworked. SIGH. Someone give me a body double. Now will be good.

Its okay. I'll do my best. One life and one shot, so I'll give it my all. Let's rock n' roll!

"Dreams are nothing without action, sweat and tears."

Friends

Playlist

Returner by Gackt

In life, I think we meet plenty of people. There are some who we feel like murdering. There are some we feel like ignoring. There are some who don't make a difference. And there are, of course, those who do. But inspite of all these, I think it is our choices that decides the effect all these people have on us. I can choose to ignore. I can choose to get frustrated. I can choose to be happy. More than anything, I can choose to not ignore, I can choose to not get frustrated, and I can choose to not be happy. 

I assure you, I'm pretty young and my experiences are limited. Regardless, I think its the things that you unconciously choose not to do that are more important than the things that you conciously choose to do? I think its because it says a lot about our priorities and our values. The things that really drive us. Stuff like loyalty. Love. Compassion. Faith. Trust. And lets not all forget the other stuff like fear. Anger. Doubt. I'm not saying that its good versus bad. Or even good versus not so good. I'm saying that we have different motivations. The man without fear is as much an idiot as the person with too much faith. We all need some skeptism and some belief. A balance.

Urgh. I have been in not much of a mood to blog recently. I think its something to do with my mood. I don't want to blog when I'm angry at school/people/CCA etc. Its just makes me want to throw something smelly and dirty, such as my shoe, in the vague direction that I think will make me feel better. Sounds weird and hilarious when I say it this way, but I think the action and slight bit ofviolence is actually just a slight physically manisfestation of the undercurrent inside. Yeah. Another reason why I am not blogging would be that my sentnce structures are getting weird. I have no idea if its because of Japanese classes, too much of my flyer hitting me on the head, a lack of sleep or any other external factor that influenced this change. The crux is that my sentences seem to be constructed by Yoda in that the main topic is moving to the back, the connectors are moving to the middle and my expressions are all stuck in the front. I have to retype so many sentences that I give up on long passages and leave them incompleted in my drafts. URGH. I want my fluent English back. I want my eloquence and quick wit and all the stuff that I used to exhibit back in the old days. School is detrimental to my language capability. I feel like my ability to learn and react is getting retarded. Sigh.

I'm staying up late too often for it to be good for my body. I guess i cna feel myself dehydrating after midnight, when my throat gets parched and even the oil on my face lessens. I should sleep more. Won't be able to get enough once to school term begins again. This holiday is nowhere near long enough. Sighs. Life tugs at our collar and we must leave. Sigh.

"Those who have extra give. For those who lack, they take."

Food

Playlist

Uncontrol (YFC live version) by Gackt

I think my metabolic rate increased. I perspire easily naturally, but in junior college, due to the lack of exercise, my metabolic rate went down. While waiting for university to start, was desk bound for near 8 hours a day and too lazy to exercise. I've never been fat per se, because I was pretty active for the first 16 years of my life. Later on, I began to eat lesser when I felt I was just staying glued to my seat in air-conditioning and I was not as hungry. So I've never been fat. But now? I train 3 times a week, clean the house once a week and run on occasion. I'm starting to bulk from all the exercise, with certain areas, like my abs and back of my thighs, getting leaner and more toned. I'm eating A LOT. I have breakfast. Followed by lunch. Tea time is normal, followed by dinner and supper. Breakfast is 3 slices of bread with milk or milo. Lunch is rice with side dishes. Tea cake or pastry or bread. Dinner is rice with more side dishes. And supper is whatever I can find in the fridge. Other than all these, I usually consume dessert after dinner, or have fruit juices as well. I can usually finish the standard sets in restaurants with leftover space in my tummy for dessert. Sometimes, I have to eat something else after that, or I'd be hungry within the next 2 hours or so. So yes. I eat a lot. But its quite irritating when people say I eat like a guy. Just because I'm not meal-skipping, salad-eating and constantly saying that I'm hungry does not make me less female. I just need more food than most people to keep on going. If I'm hungry, I whine, because on an empty stomach, I'm an uber bitch. The things I'd say and do if you threaten my source of sustenance is scary, even to me. I'd snap. And bite. Yeah. I would.

I think I'm not skinny? But I would not say that I am fat either. Just normal. A wee bit of bulk on my arms and thighs, but my upper body built is small. Amusing how I have large leg joints and bones and a small torso. Slightly unabalanced aka bottom heavy? Good thing I exercise regularly enough such that no one can say that they can see all the mass at my leg wobble with every step. That would be such an eyesore! I guess it is true that as you age, your body loses its ability to just 'bounce' back into shape. I've to work harder and longer just to maintian my shape, much less lose weight!

OH YEAH. I was going to speculate that the reason for my apparently 'alright' body shape might be the fact that I've never been ona diet. or tried to be on a diet. For the first 17 years of my life, I'd never had gastritis because I've never skipped a meal or delayed a meal for an extended period of time. It was working and university that gave me problems, because my eating hours were no longer regular. In the past, I always ate whenever I was hungry, and would eat to about seventy to eighty percent full. So I always have space for dessert and extra snacks, just that I make a conscious decision not to have so much food. Being too full will make you feel bloated and naseous. So anyway, my body never had to go into starvation mode and store food because I'd been depriving it of nutrition. I ate regularly and ate well, exercising to keep my heart healthy as well. So to all those people out there who wake at 10am and have brunch, before eating dinner at 9pm... I think you'd look like a pig if you eat the way I do. Body is just not suited for the consistent intake of nutrients.

This is becoming a very strange and pointless post. Shall end this here. I'll be pretty busy with CIP stuff for the rest of July, so updates will be scarcer. Sorry, but reality is a pretty cruel taskmaster.

I shall pray hard to get my modules.

"Listen to the music, and feel the messgae behind it all."

Blood

Playlist

Vamp Addiction by VAMPS

Sometimes, I feel so frustrated that I'd like to throw a sharp, hard and pointy object at certain people. I think its not exactly my or their fault, but more of a cumulation of all the little irritating things that occur between people that finally sends you over the edge and into the abyss. Things like you being a neat freak and them being a wannabe cockroach. Things like you being a workaholic and them on a vacation cruise. Things like you having values and principles and them being immoral lazy bastards who ought to be stoned. See? Difference in expectations and habits. Its these little things that wear away at your patience until you're ready to rip them asunder and bath in their spilling flesh and blood. In case you were wondering, my father discouraged romance novels when I was growing up. He'd rather I read science fiction and fantasy. Which I did, only to progress to horror since it was so conveniently placed nearby. So yes. I have a wee bit of an overactive imagination.

Anyway, I really really think that MCPs should just walk onto a busy freeway. Wait. Roadkill is far too good for them. They should be have their skin peeled off and pushed into hot boiling oil to simmer. Rubbish people are rubbish people. My tolerance level for such nonsense has very regrettably plummeted over the course of my interaction with fellow human beings. I do my best to avoid these fools in order to lessen the workload of my nice and friendly neighbourhood policemen, but I think the day will come when they'll be at the scene, shaking their heads in disbelief at how far and how low I've descended. Oh well. We'll see where fate brings us. I just do not believe that these people who continuously put me down and refuse to give me a chance will do well in life. If they do perform well? I think I shall have to petition to God or something to keep things fair. Yeah, I know that life is not fair, but hey, can't I try to make a difference? I'll stick my plow in the ground and work until blisters erupt if I have to. I won't bow to rubbish people. Over my dead, rotting and stinking corpse.

There's this sense of disbelief. School starts in a mere one month. Back into that hellish place where I voluntary signed my name and paid good money to attend. I think if my school doesn't murder me, I'll emerge as a graduate in gnashing my teeth together and faking a smile while I plunge a knife into the things that irritate me. Yeah. That which does not kill you just serves to make you far more destructive. Its proven. Look at bacteria.

Anyway, I'll be away for the next few days in this little part of the country called Downtown East. There is very pathetic Internet connection, so please do not expect me to be online all the time. I'll still be contactable through handphone, so I forsee no problems. Just don't expect hasty replies to emails. Hasty equals call me.

"Looking for the light in the tunnel. Tell me if you do find it."

Blunt

Playlist

Flower by Gackt

I want you to be happy, not because I have this belief that everyone has to be happy, but because I like your smile. I like it when you smile at the silly things I say on purpose, and when you laugh at the things that always unluckily happen to me. I like the way we share inside jokes about people we know and don't know, and how we understand how the other person thinks and functions. I like the sense of comfort and security, and the sense that everytime we're together will be another adventure. It doesn't matter if your family isn't well-to-do, it doesn't matter if you're not the smartest nor the brightest nor the most fantastic. To me, I'm happy to be with you every opportunity I get. So let's stay together forever alright? Let's not allow environmental circumstances dictate the way we interact. Let's not allow the people around us to decide if what we have is 'real'. Let's not allow our doubts cloud our belief of each other. And most of all, let's not start wondering why we're in this sort of relationship in the first place. Okay?

I think I'm not a person who is easy to get along with. I say sharp things bluntly (though some will say blunt is an understatement), and I have a low tolerance level for pretentious people and stupidity. I get bored easily, and I will demand what I want from others. I can be very aggressive, and I refuse to compromise on my values and beliefs. I have high standards, and I expect them to be met. I'm stubborn, hard-headed, rude, blunt... And I have no compassion for other people. Charity? Love? I am indifferent to the suffering of people outside my immediate sphere. I'm considerate, because I don't like dirty and messy things. I don't like to waste resources, and I hate pollutants. People who drink and smoke are tolerated because they help to shoulder my taxes, and I absolutely despise people who do nothing but try to fade into the wallpaper. Hit me, and I'll bite back. Steal things from me, and I'll tear your head off. I won't allow myself to be bullied or overlooked, and will gladly stand my ground to tough it out. In short? I'm prickly, and most people won't want to even WANT to get along with me after the initial 30 minutes, if they can even last that long.

But to my friends, I'm mad loyal. To the people I love, I'd brave hell, high water (though I'd probably drown) and whatever nonsense you throw at me to give them what they want and need and expect. I'd stand by you no matter what happens, and I'd be there should you need a hand. I'd forgive mistakes and errors because I love you, and an apology will usually get you further than you expect. I'll be your everything, if you give me a chance to be...

I just realised I typed all that without pause. Reads like a freaking CONFESSION. Oh well. Isn't every relationship a confession of sorts? An admittance that you want the presence of a certain person? A declaration that that person is on the same side as you? A hope that others will acknowledge the bond and link between the both of you? Even the people who are best friends with their own selves are using this concept. At the end of it all, we need understanding, and the acceptance that comes with knowing that even if you think you're weird and everyone thinks that you're weird... You're still accepted, and more importantly, loved.

WOW. This actually seems to make sense? HAHA.

"Alive, not mortal overmuch... Dying, not vital overmuch..."

Space

Playlist

Calling by FLOW

I think I'm going to work myself into a lil corner and later suffer from depression when I can't get out of the hole that I dug myself into. Stupid, but I think I have a tendency to do such nonsensical stuff to myself. For all that I claim to be, I think there are times when I wonder if I'm actually really stupid for doing such silly things to make my life more difficult than it already is... Things like joining a CCA that gives me bruises that number in tens. Things like signing up to do stupid things that will increase the number of injuries on my poor fingers. Things like making promises to irritating people because you have no alternative but to work with them URGH. Growing up stinks.

On to better things... My playlist is now by FLOW. Japanese band. More of a pop/rock sound. Some of their songs are pretty good, but others are just plain boring. The good thing is that I like the type of voice that the main vocalist has. Bad thing is that it doesn't really work well other than as background music. Oh well. You can't have a great playlist every day, the same way you can't have wonderful weather every day. I think I have pretty decent songs? I'd rate my music library an 8 out of 10. Not super awesome, as there are times when I skip 10 songs in a row when the music does not seem to fit my mood. More often than not, however, I think I enjoy my music. So yes, 8 out of 10. Not bad for someone who has pretty extreme internal mood swings (Its called internal for a reason, you can't tell, only my Tofu knows as I skip song after song and scroll up and down and down and up to search for that ONE song.) and needs music that matches. Life. HAHA.

Anyway, my brother moved out of the bedroom and hyde and Laraku and SID moved in! HAHA. I immediately enshrined them on the glass of my cupboard and sliding door. AWESOME MAX! HAHA. There's now a lot of space in the middle of the room with one bed gone. Kinda strange to be in the room alone after almost 2 years (?) with my brother. I think he's at the age where he needs more space. I think he's more conscious of the fact that I'm a girl than I am of the fact that he is a guy? To me, my brother will always be my Smacky. So it doesn't really make a difference to me. But yes. There is now SPACE. A lot of space, that I have no idea where to put my stuff. I want to maintain the neatness of my room. Everytime I move the cupboard, I throw away stuff that I've not touched since the previous time I packed. This time round? 2 bags of rubbish. People who know me well should know how anal I can be. Everything needs to be neat and tidy and IN LINE. I will scream and chop the person who messes up my area. Drip water on my floor? Put random objects on my cupboard or bed? Leave things on my floor? Clothes in a pile? I WILL HOLLER AT YOU. ANYWAY. My cupboard is now nice and empty, and the room is HUGE. I like~ Cleanliness and neatness is next to godliness.

The most irritating thing is that there's the GSS now. But I'm stuck with CIP and prop making and CCA for the next 2 weeks at least. I feel so deprived. I want to break the monotony of what I'm doing. Its like this: wake up, breakfast, go for CIP/ prop making, go for CCA, go home. BORING. I need new clothes for the new term. I need to clear out my cupboard. I need to repaint my room. OMG. So dead. So many things to do and so little time. I need to get a change in environment. Things are making me feel stifled and depressed. I shall be more positive!

"Please answer this call..."

Problem

Playlist

Sara by Matenrou Opera

I don't like problems. No matter what people say about challenges being character building and whatnot, I really really dislike problems. Some might feel that this is an obvious fact, (Who in their right minds would like problems?) but the truth is that there are people who DO like problems. Oh sure, these people SAY that they dislike problems, but according to my astute observational skills and with a little bit of low level imagination, I think there are those who revel in problems.

For the record, in case you were daydreaming while reading the previous paragragh, I DO NOT LIKE PROBLEMS. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel like I'm trapped and helpess to do anything but to go with the flow and pray hard that something decent sprouts out from all the nonsense that I've been hurled. Absolutely detestable.  Nevertheless, for the sake of something called image, I think I've learnt to not show these feelings. I won't give you a sad face when I'm talking about my problems. I will smile and gestulate energetically. I'll laugh at the situation, and reduce the severity of it all. Better yet, I'll let you talk about your problems, and let mine take a back seat even if all you have are trivialities. After all, your problems are far off and distant, or something that I've experienced before. I'll give you a rational answer, wishing that you won't ask "What about you?".

I'm not sure if this is something that seems ironic. Or confusing. I think my recent blogs have been chronicling a constant flux of perspectives. Yes, it is all from me, but I realise thta I have changed the subject, object and tone as I go along. Its as if the different parts of myself that I keep seperated are started to bleed into each other. Its fine on my blog, but in real life, I can safely say that it would be very very troublesome. I should do something about this. While it keeps the bare truth hidden, I'm afraid that I'll be hiding more than I ought to?

In a most peculair state of mind. I think it is rather obvious to anyone who has constantly been in contatc with me or reading my blog. As mentioned, in a state of flux. Give me some time and I'll deal with it. I'll go back to my inane complaints about people and pathetic new experiences that I've gathered. Somedays, I wonder why I feel like writing when the content is so silly. Well, I hope someone out there who reads this will feel happier knowning that the owner of this blog is more ridiculous than them. All in a day's work for a charitable and generous person. Like me.

"Even if I were to disappear from this world, the fact that I have existed will never cease to be..."

Brief

Playlist

Lollipop by 2NE1 ft. BIG BANG

Suddenly on a Korean song craze. Not sure why, but I think that interceding Japanese and Korean songs makes for great listening. I think its because of the difference in the structure of the songs and language. Its amusing how 2 languages that started from Chinese could have evolved to be so different, yet still so beautiful. I guess I like Asian languages best. Nothing too guttural and sharp. Nice and fluid~

I'm pretty tired these few days. Dog tired. Exhausted. I think most of it is from the CIP camp that I just returned from, but I guess I'm also sick of my life. Not that I'm suicidal, more of sick of my lifestyle. I feel that there is a lack of meaning, and I'm not really able to connect with anyone. Everyone seems so busy, or so afflicted with their own demons to help you slay yours. Even if there were no evils to be conquered, I think as a social animal, I need constant interaction with others to keep going. I'm half introverted and half extroverted, so while I hate huge parties, being a solitary creature for an extended period of time is detrimental to my health too. By extended period I mean something like a WEEK. I can survive on acquaintances for about 2 weeks, but after the first week, I start to exhibit signs of stress. I guess I'm high maintenance in this way? HAHA.

We've all wondered if there are things we do that are worth it. And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder if everything that I'm doing is nothing more than an exercise in futility. (I need to thank Whitby for teaching me this.) Especially when I wake up with aching muscles, walk over to the bathroom and see the cuts and bruises... I wonder if I'm doing something that is worth all these. Come on, I think there's something wrong if I'm using knee guards and wrist guards every waking moment. And I'm taking so much Vitamin C that its s good thing that you can't overdose on it. If I was more self-concious about my body, I think all the bruises will freak me out, after all at last count, I have 10.

"Searching for that something extra..."

Recall

Playlist

NPS NGS by Malice Mizer

HAHA. Yes, I'm listening to a song that was released more than a decade ago. Not sure why, but I really like the combination of Mana's composition and Gackt's voice. It gives a consistently high level of 'ooh'ness. Not that Klaha's voice isn't great, but there are some songs which are just... Not as interesting. Strangely, after Malice disbanded, I never really liked any of Mana's other compositions. I guess Malice was his musical creative peak to me? The new style of Mois is not Tofu-able.

My new favourite band is D=Out, as anyone who reads my Tumblr will know. They always seem to be having fun and the lack of English words in their songs make the band very appealing. They have this rather jazzy feel (jazz and rock, WOW) that makes for easy listening. Kouki's voice may be too nasal for many at first listening, but it grows on you. He has this hyena voice, and his laugh is kinda creepy (sounds FAMILIAR no?). But when he sings... I'd be lying if I said that there are no traces of his hyena voice, but its good. Very different from most other vocalists. Most singers tend to have a smooth voice, no matter the pitch. Kouki, however has a slightly husky nasal voice. Weird combination? Yeah, its not very obvious, but its there. Not very husky, but not smooth, especially when he encounters choppy sounds (OMG I forgot the name of the sound! Whitby will have MY HEAD!). In all? Listen to D=Out! (shameless plug!)

I feel like creating a list. Something along the lines of "Top 10 Things That I Cannot Do Without". Or something like "Top 10 Songs That I Listen to When I'm Gyming". Or maybe something like "Top 10 Ways to TOTALLY Piss Me Off". I'm not sure why, but I'm in the mood for lists. I think with humour and some simple organisation with formatting, lists can make fun reading. Better than typing lengthy chunks of prose with no markers as to the next transition that I will undertake. At least with a list, if I say that there are 10 items, you'd read 10 paragraphs of text in order to get to the end of that list. No need to structure my post in such a way that I can retain your attention. I mean, each post takes, on average, 30 odd minutes to type. So if you get bored, I'd feel feel very sad. And angry. And disappointed that I can't get your attention. Call me high maintenance and whatnot, but the truth is, I DO think and try to structure my post OKAYSSS~ I've received a lot of feedback that I'm actually this long-winded middle aged woman masquerading as a 'happening' young lass. My reaction, was somewhere between shock, horror and amusement. I'm not sure how the scale for this would work, but yeah, just to let you know, I'm 20. Yeah. Pretend you did not see that number. I'm young (compared to most other human beings) and I am unsure about how cool I am. I don't think I'm cool, more like... Strange. If someone was to say I was 'cool', I think I would pretend to be happy and be morbidly affronted. My reaction would probably be along "WTHELL? I'M COOL? Since when! Are you sure you're talking about me and not my non-existent twin? I'm COOL? In which parallel universe or alternate dimension did you come from? HOMG! Do you need a DOCTOR?!" Kinda pathetic eh? Someone says that you're cool, its suppose to be a compliment, but you react as if you've just been told you've got cancer. Oh well.

I think I might be overworking my body. Chair potato that I am have been training 3 times a week for the past few weeks. Like the good cheerleader that I'm supposed to be. YEAH. Laugh, go ahead and laugh. The fact of the matter is that this afternoon, I had a 3 hour nap. I'm only calling it a nap because I don't have a term for bouts of sleeping that is neither long nor short. It was pretty deep sleep (had a really weird and psychedelic dream that I cannot describe) and I think I might have slept all the way to tomorrow if my mum had not dragged me out of bed. I guess tired doesn't really cover it anymore. Both physical and mental stress. Muscle aches and mental gymnastics trying to figure out a way to divide my time between cosplay and school. It seems simple, but there are soooo many sub-divisions that I cannot be bothered to break it out here. Conclusion, I'm tired.

Now for the Top 10! What shall it be? MOVIES~

My Top 10 Favourite Movies of ALL TIME~

10) My Fair Lady. Funny. Teaches you English pronounciation. Audrey Hepburn. Smart movie.

9) Howl's Moving Castle. Realistic. Prince Charming turns out to be useless. Cool talking lump of charcoal. Nice voice acting. Hayao Miyazaki. WATCH!

8) Stephen Chow's Pandora Box movie. (For the life of me, I can't remember the title!) FUNNY. Pointless. Stephen Chow. Lame jokes. Lame-r jokes. Stupid things.

7) Romeo + Juliet. Classic remixed. Lines from the play in a movie. Smart movie. Cool effects. Good screenplay. "Draw thy sword!".

6) Heartbreak Library. Very sweet and sad. Romantic without being cheesy and corny. Makes you want to believe in people again.

5) MOON CHILD. hyde. Gackt. Gunfire. Gunfire. MORE GUNFIRE. Big brother and little brother. Sad song. Touching moments. Plot twists. 'Nuff said.

4) Nodame Cantabile. HILARIOUS. Stupid. Sad. Sweet. Funny. SPOOF-ish. Dancing squirrels. Music. Priceless facial expressions.

3) Spirited Away. Hayao Miyazaki. DRAGONS! Crying babies. Sweet, sweet inter species love. DRAGONS. PIGS! MAD funny.

2) Antique Bakery. Gay guys never looked this HAWT. Cakes never looked so YUMMY. Kim Jae Wook is absolute delish! As yummy as the stuff he makes~

1) Still looking! Anti-climatic eh? HAHA~

So there we have it. The LIST. WOW. Its way shorter than I thought it would be. Maybe I should list my favourite songs next. I bet that would be a head scratching, hair tearing and grimacing experience. Music is a mood thing~

"I won't regret loving you, so leave, because all that is left are the good memories..."

Role

Playlist

Sunrise by D=Out

I was not going to blog about this incident, because I felt that it would have been akin to a mindless rant. No added value to anyone who reads it. Nevertheless, when I woke up this morning with aching biceps, upper torso, back and thigh muscles, I just  could not resist the urge to blog about this. I've given it about 12 hours to get the immediate anger out of my system, so now... I'm gonna preach. YEAH. Stop reading if you're in no mood to continue.

Like I've mentioned somewhere in my blog some months ago, I spent 10 years in an all-girls' education system. The next 2 years in junior college was almost the same, with guys numbering 4 out of the 26 students in my class. Not a really balanced environment I know, but it did teach me one very important thing: You are only as good as what you believe. What do I mean by this? 

Even in junior college, there was a slight culture shock when dealing with others, especially girls from a co-education schools. Its only in a mixed environment that you realise the presence of gender roles, and the most surprising thing is that these roles are usually self imposed! Teachers will tell the boys to move the tables and the girls stand aside, even if you only have 4 guys and 30 plus tables to move. I'm sure it can be attributed to sheer laziness on the part of the girls to sit there and wait for the guys to move all the 30 plus tables up 3 flights of stairs. About 8 times each. With a table in hand. Up 3 flights of stairs. If I was one of my male classmates, I would have screamed bloddy murder. Of course, the guys kept quiet (though I could see they wanted to protest), and the girls kept quiet and we watched those poor boys slaving away.

Knowing me? HAHA. I stood up after the boys were gone and decided to contrubute. I mean, I've arms and legs. I'm healthy and fit. I might not have the stamina like the guys, but if I clear 4 tables, thats one table less for each guy! And if a few more of my classmates, who were healthy and fit decided to contribute? The reaction of the girls was very amusing. There were a few like me who started to move the tables, while the rest continued chatting away on their perch. Later, I overheard one of those girls saying:" I don't understand why girls have to carry tables and chairs?! Its so tiring! Leave it to the guys!" My response? WTFISHCAKE.

The implications and undertones are so infuriating. Its like saying 1) Guys are meant to perform manual labour, 2) Girls should never perform manual labour, 3) Guys don't find manual labour tiring, and the more sublimal messages are a) I should not be carrying heavy (The table was around 1kg? Or less?) b) The guys are meant to do these kind of things for me. Of course, I find all these really silly and mind-numbingly infantile. Go find yourself a boyfriend who will carry everything and do everything for you for the next 50 years. You can just sit there and wait. I prefer to get things done my own way at my own time. None of my business. Well, that was what I thought until yesterday. At cheer.

I'm not going to bore you with MORE details (The previous few paragraphs must have been a HUGE BORE). Lets just say there was a new girl, quite skinny, a bit pretty, super bimbotic. We made her a backspot because of her height, but boy, was that a HUGE mistake. She was shying away from the flyer all the time. And the first time the flyer fell? She huddled into a corner. She was supposed to save the flyer who was falling from a height of 1.2 metres and she ducked away."I'm scared!" Sure. So am I, looking at the way you spot. Told her to help load the flyer? "Oh my, she's so heavy!" Excuse me, I'm carrying her weight! All you need to do is help me load her! Asked her to balance the flyer by holding on to her ankles? "Her feet are dirty!" Well, I'm holding the BOTTOM OF HER SHOE? Flyer fell and brushed against her (cause she was too busy ducking away)? "My face hurts! I think its swollen! What am I going to do? It hurts!" Yeah, my flyer hurts too cause she just slammed onto the floor, free fall mind you because of said useless girl, for the 5th time? HAHA.

So I decided to backspot instead and swopped her to base. The reasoning was that even if the flyer fell through her hands, I could probably rescue the flyer. Her aghast face that she was going to be 'stepped upon' must have been worth a few thousand dollars at least. It was slightly better, but I felt like it was just one base and one backspot holding the flyer up. Because honestly? I was pretty much doing whatever I could do keep the weight off her hands just in case she decided to give up. That girl should be kicked off the team. If you're so weak that you can't even backspot, I don't think you'll have the strength to hold for prep as a flyer either. More importantly? I think If I based you, I'd be inclined to work less hard. Much less harder.

All flyers are the same to me. It doesn't matter if you're the bitch who made my friends cry or the super nice girl who really listens and tries hard. I'll save you all the same because I don't think anyone should break their spine or ribs or anywhere else because I was too lazy or too weak to rescue them. If I wanted to exact revenge, I'd drop you when you're loading up, or give you less momentum at pop so that you'll have to work more. Nothing that will send you to the hospital. I'm not evil. I won't run away because by getting up there, you're trusting me to catch you when you fall. I won't betray that trust, but if you can't respect others and show others that you are worthy of trust... Get out of the team before something bad happens, BIMBOTIC BITCH.

"What a lousy way to start my June... SIGHS. So busy~"

Cookie

Playlist

明星オリオン by D=Out

I smell like butter and sugar. Yes, I've showered, but the cloying smell seems to have seeped into my pores. My hair smells like shampoo and my skin smells like soap, but under all these, its the smell of sugar and butter. As if while baking, I was soaking in the scents in the kitchen as well. Its not that I hate it, just that I'm not used to smelling like food. I usually eat food. Not smell like food. Not the delectable kind of girl. More of the kind of girl you'd avoid being with because I'm not cute nor amusing. I'm more if the type who's like a cat. Faintly interesting and seemingly concerned about you, but you'll never reach my core. For all my smiles and hugs and glomps, how many people can claim to know me? If you've been to my house, I guess you'd probably be able to say that you're a friend. All the others? I have no idea? Somewhere in the various gray areas I suppose? If you have to sincerely ask... *smiles*

Anyway, the cookies are pretty good, if you like them a wee bit charred and crunchy. Plenty of filling and slightly sweet. Overall, I think I did a pretty decent job for someone who has not used the oven for more than a year. Tell me if you want some? I'll pass them to you, as long as there are still some left. Whilst stocks last~

I think I'm in this weird state of mind now. I refuse to let it be June, simply because time is passing too fast. I fear July and the administrative things that i will have to do for school with it. Disgusting. Another year to fight through and struggle with. I must have been mentally retarded when I made my choice. Yes, distance is a non-issue, but the workload is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. It makes you wonder if suicide is worth it because of the sheer amount of work that will be left over. You're actually worried if the work will haunt you even after you die. You cannot fall ill. You cannot take a break, because the work will pile up. I'm going to say something random now, and that is that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, much less get married and have kids. Its not the lack of boyfriend and potential spouses that I'm worried about. I really really want a child. Not now, but in the near future. As in, within the next ten years, so its more of a long term plan to most, but what is ten years to me? Random much? I've yet to meet anyone that I'm interested in anyway. Sure, there are good looking guys here and there, nice guys someplace around and all the other types elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've yet to come across someone that makes me feel 'I can work with you in the long run', much less 'I can't do without you'. Pathetic eh?

Sometimes I'm really jealous of the people around me. I want to grab them and shake them really hard and yell at them to appreciate the things that they are taking for granted. Then again, there are likely to be people who wish to do the same to me? I would not be too surprised if there really were people who think I'm a spoilt princess who takes everythting that I possess for granted. Personally, while I joke that I am my father's princess, deep in my heart, there's this sense of uncertainty whenever I say it. If something is the truth, there is this weight when you say it. Well, its not like the declaration of my princess-hood is utterly unture, although there are elements of it for sure. After all, which princess you know would clean the floor, do the laundry, run errands... MY GPA stinks. I want a better GPA. So I shall work harder (and smarter towards a better GPA). So what if I can qualify for the better exchange programmes? With only 3 to 5 places a year, cometition is tough! I will definitely get into that particular programme. After all, its what I want~

This seems like a short post. I suppose I'm sick and tired of posting this? Sometimes, there are just some things that will not do well to be mentioned in a blog. The nature of what needs to be said might require it to be carried away with the wind. And I should stop my bad habit of passing off my thoughts and opinions as that of others. I lose out on the credit, and there is no risk. Not enjoyable. Too safe. And there's going to be a Koi Bubble Tea store at Iluma~

"If I could embrace you and never let you go..."

Worth

Playlist

Vampire Depression by VAMPS

I think I'm going to be murdered for this blog post. But I think I'd feel like I'm a terrible friend if I didn't post this. The content, as a disclaimer as you know how much I like to warn people, is going to make you pissy. Like real pissy. So if you're just going to get mad and NOT THINK about why and what all these mean, please shelve and read this some other time. I'm your friend. I'm not a puppet. I'm not a parrot. I'm not polishing apples and licking boots. I'm saying this because you need it. It hurts and you can say I don't understand, but then again, how much of ANYTHING can we claim to understand? So yes. In bad mood now? DON'T READ. I never remove posts, as you all know, so you can read this after you cool down and calm down. I don't want to hurt you, but I think you need to think about this as well.

Humans are selfish. Selfless humans are virtually non-existant. I'm selfish. So are you. And everyone else out there. We want people to love us and be with us and care for us and do what we want them to do. Parents love their children, not the children of their colleagues and neighbours. We care for our friends, and not for random people. We cannot really connect beyond our community, so those who seem more caring just have a larger group encompassed within their definition of community. What am I trying to say? I'm in your community. I sincerely want to help you. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for there to be any negatoive outcome of everything that I do and say. Nevertheless, life is never really the way that we dream and envision it to be. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I'm sorry for being the one who did it. I'm really sorry. If you cannot forgive my good intentions, I can understand. There are some things that you never forgive, no matter who it is. I'm sorry.

I'm someone who wants to live up to expectations. I work very very hard not to disappoint. I'd jump through hoops of fire if it meant I could make the people I love smile. Of course there are negative expectations, and in those situations, its a circle of hurting each other. But overall? I've always worked hard to deliver what was expected and needed. My parents wanted good grades, so I study like my life depends upon it. My CCA mates need someone to rely on, so I become as dependable as I can be. I don't have to like it, I'll just do it if it ought to be done. Which may be the problem with me. You see, there are no emotions involved, and there is no issue of not possible. Especially with regard to my parents. If my parents wanted me to become a doctor, I think I would be studying medicine now. Its that simple. There is no room for failure, no room for non-performance. If it didn't come true, I think some part of my existence would cease to be. Some part of me would lose its meaning. So I fight to live by fighting to meet expectations. And thats the difference between you and me. 

You see, even if you failed, you would still have options. Even if things went wrong, there would always be a back door route for you. Its not the same for me, because I have no alternative. If I stray off the path, all I'd get is darkness. I cannot turn back and I cannot make a detour. I have to walk the path laid ahead of me to prove my existence. Of course, all the self-help books would tell you to break away and recreate your boundaries. Cross the border. Think out of the box. And other cliches. Well, I think people who don't even know that it is a box cannot escape. And even if you got out of the box, all you'd get is a bigger box. You're trapped forever, as long as you exist within that identity and body. You can't get away, as you disappear if you leave the path created for you. And like any other self preserving and selfish human being, I need to stay alive, which is why I'm where I am today. I can only be here. I cannot exist elsewhere. I sincerely hope that you can understand the difference between us now. It isn't that I'm smarter or faster or richer or better or anything. I'm just fighting desperately for survival while its a game for you. You can restart the game. reroll the dice. Me? All I have is one path out of this.

I'm not trying to make you sympathise with me. I don't need pity, because this is the only way I have. You don't pity an insect for having an exoskeleton. You don't pity a fish for not being able to breathe out of water. It just is the way things are. My way of life is the only one I know. Rather, why not try to make the best of your own situation? To me, I'm fine with the way I am because I have no alternative. You won't see me in parallel universes because there are no other choices for me to make. I have only one path. For you who has an alternative, why not explore you other options? If you were to realise that its a dead end on this path, why not change to another path? You can make the switch. All it needs is a bit of faith and some effort. Infinitely better then me who, no matter the effort and faith, will never be able to swap for anything else.

I hope you understand what I mean. I left this a wee bit obscure, I know. If you need clarification, tell me? I'll be here. No matter when, I'll be here for you, waiting.

"What is worth? Someone please tell me...?"

Rush

Playlist

Lupin by KARA

My brain is half dead. And yes, in case you were worried that school has started, the answer is NO. Its still the summer holidays. How do you tell? First, humidity and temperatures are soaring to greater heights. Second, there are no complaints about school work on my blog. Third, I'm half dead from being overworked by CCA, cosplay and CIP. See the 3Cs? The fourth will be the beginning of vulgarities being hurled at my life and my inane ability to overwork myself when I'm supposed to be vacationing and playing.

I need to go to the beach. Any takers?

There are times when I feel that modern people are just hastening their demise. We sleep so few hours that the prescribed 8 hours seem like a luxury instead of a necessity. We rush from place to place, as we think taking our own sweet time is a waste time. We schedule one activity after another as we think being lazy is a sin. We work our hair, socks and eyebrows off as we all need money to feed our narcisstic tendencies and material desires.We demand excellence and immediate responses so much that a slight delay aggravates us and makes us pissy. We eat rubbish, breathe in rubbish food and spew more rubbish out onto the streets. Personally, I think humans are disgusting, me included. So if I ever compare you to an animal, please be honoured. No, I'm not joking. 

I know full well that I have just returned form the nice and breezy HK. I know full well that the photos are no where to be seen online. I know full well that I'm supposed to be all happy and rested and LOVING every single minute that I'm engaged in meaningful community aiding activities. I know I'm supposed to be superbly happy about getting my photo taken after the long break. And I know that only in fairytales to you SUPPOSEDLY live happily ever after. After all, this is not a galaxy far far away. Nor is it once-upon-a-time-land. This is here and now. Not there. Not later. Its called the present, and like all gifts given by our dearest god almightly, its a double edged sword and jack-in-the-box combined. Its going tospring out at you and STAB YOU IN THE EYE. Yes, I'm still sane, most unfortunately. Else I'd plead insanity and go rest in IMH.

I ought to sleep earlier. My complexion is terrible. I think it is partially the allergic reaction when I was leaving for HK and my time of the month. Like everyone who knows me can tell, my face virtually explodes into a mass of pimples everytime I get my period. One look and you know which part of my monthly cycle I'm at. The nicer my complexion, the further away from my the bloddy thing. Sigh. I know its part of me being a girl, but it is so irrtating. Why can't I just lay eggs like chickens or something? Okay, I take that back. It'd be a huge pain to lay an egg first thing every morning. It might actually be even worse than bleeding 7 days of the month and sporting a pimple-filled face for 14 days of the month. Comparative evil and all. Guys have it easier in this aspect nyah~

On the topic of procreation, I think I'm going to give up on my goal. A bit too difficult. If you don't know what I am talking about, please pay more attention to me. I'm too lazy and irritated at having to continuously repeat myself. And in case you forgot, I don't like BOYS. I like MEN. I like guys who aren't busy chasing after whimisical games because they cannot be bothered to think more. The only person who can do that and get all my love is my younger brother. If you don't fit into the above mentioned category, stop thinking that I'm amused by your little antics. Monkey tricks are only appealing in the zoo or at the circus.

On a final note, I think those who think that all bloggers are eyeliner spamming bimbos ought to hurl themselves off the nearest skyscraper. I recommend a high rise building, preferably throw yourself off the ledge  above the 12th floor. Higher probability of death. And make sure that there is nothing but hard concrete on your way down. You'd make a wonderfully bloddy pancake on the sidewalk. Insulting buggers, to quote Winter. I like eyeliner, but I hardly ever use make-up. And I spam eyeliner only for a photoshoot and only because I have single eyelids. Sheesh! Imbeciles! I'm not a poodle toting bimbo! The only poodle are those balloons I sell! And those are for CHARITY. You can buy one from me at $2 if you wish. (Shameless plug)

Okay, I shall stop the ranting and raving....

"If results were everything, we'd stop living our lives because the end result is death."

Rail

Playlist

Last Game by Matenrou Opera

I miss my old self. The self that I was before all this nonsense began. The self who never questioned my instincts, and never buttered the truth. The self who would do things honestly, and unflinchingly take the punishment for mistakes. The self who faced the world with wide eyes, head on. I miss that me. I'm not certain that I can go back to that period of innocence. Lost and never to return. Its saddening. And infuriating. But deep down inside, I guess I acknowledge the fact that we all lose parts of ourselves along the way. Purity and innocence are ideals that we can scarce afford when we're surrounded by scheming wolves. Sure, I could hold on to these. Of course, this blog would have died out some 3 to 4 years ago. Oh yeah. That means it would never have existed in the first place! So yes. Survival of the fittest. Or in this case, those who can afford to lose more. Nevertheless, I miss myself. Hey, I'm entitled to sentimental feelings for the portions of my life I sacrificed!

There are times when I wake up in the morning and wonder what it is that keeps me ticking. What makes it such that I can wake up in the morning and not die at night? What makes it such that my heart still beats, my heart functions, my brain is processing away and all other bodily activities are a GO? And best of all, why do I keep waking up? If there is a higher purpose, I'd really like to find out, because I honestly feel that I'm barely better than a marionette. I'm doing the same things in the same old pattern every day. I'm going about my life with as much drive as a car with a dead battery. Which is to say that I'm dragging my feet all the way and not really putting in sufficient effort into anything. I think I'm a lucky gal, but I'm not doing enough? I'm not sufficiently motivated enough. Its not an external thing; I know I'm not one to be very driven by external circumstances. Internal motivation is sorely lacking.

I was at Borders that day and bought a full length kanji dictionary. I realised that while the online dictionaries were plenty cute and all, there are certain word applications that were absent. Of course, there are the more common words, but when I want to check the meaning of the phrase, the most online dictionaries can do is to give me the meaning of each individual kanji, and I'll have to put it all together. Yes, I'm able to understand Chinese, which makes studying Japanese much easier, but there are some combinations that are different. Nuances, as the Japanese adopted kanji so many hundred years ago and there has been a separate developement of kanji to suit the needs of the island nation. Chinese, on the other hand, was utilised by a larger community and has been directly modified by modern day culture (without katakana to buffer foreign words out) so its inevitable that there are differences. In case you're wondering, I'm NOT a linguistics professor. The sheer number of errors in my blog should be testament to that. I'm just a girl who happens to have been brought up in an Chinese family in an English speaking country, and have an interest in the Japanese language. I can read and write Chinese and English just fine, although I'm linguistically weaker in Chinese, with basic knowledge of Japanese. So I'm no expert, though I love the Chinese and Japanese language. Its so romantic, compared to English. The way the characters are formed, and the way the sentences are structured... Pretty~

Okay, I sound superbly biased. I'm not! The fact that this blog is in ENGLISH should be reason enough. I wouldn't be able to construct a blog like this in Chinese. For me, Chinese is a language close to my heart. I won't want to use it to blog, because you run the risk of overtly emoting and sounding like the blurb of some weepy drama serial. I'd probably sound like a primary school student if I were to blog in Chinese, and a toddler if I did so in Japanese. URGH. I need to hit the books again. either that or I need to be dropped into the middle of China or Japan. I'd prefer Japan, just so you know, because they have a better public transporatation system.

I believe I've happily went off tangent and derailed at some far off island in the middle of the Pacific. Pardon the pathetic attempt at humour. My life is boring ya know? So this is a short post, and I'll go see if there's anymore laundry that needs to be done. If there's one thing that is always present, its laundry. Did it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and now? There are still clothes waiting to be washed. Other clothes waiting to be folded. And some waiting to be kept. The sad reality is that the cycle repeats.

"Is background noise is better than oppresive silence?"

Trip

Playlist

春風シャララ by D=Out
 

Back in Singapore. The trip to HK was pretty good overall. Of course there were irritating episodes with sales people, but I enjoyed my trip. I went with wonderful people and met more wonderful people than expected, so I think it was worth the time and money. It was a packed 5 days, so I think I'll just blog about whatever I can remember? I didn't really go to any really tourist-ish area, so there aren't many photos. What I did was to shop. Walk. Eat. Shop. Walk. And eat. Had loads of good food in HK. I think in HK, unlike SG, its harder to find awful food because most of the stores are the property and livelihood of the local people. A greater sense of pride in their store maybe? Anyhow, now that I'm back, I have no idea of what to eat! In HK I was out walking about, so I just entered any store that struck my fancy. Here, I need to detach myself from my chair and walk out to find food, the main difficulty being the detaching from my chair part. And the finding food part. No idea what to eat nowadays...

Stayed in a pretty decent hotel with HL and Viv. 2 Queen sized beds with a pretty big shower. I forgot to take photos, but trust me, it was alright. It was fun to room with HL and Viv. Quite an interesting combination. I wouldn't say that they became best friends, but I think the both of them got along? I was kinda afraid that there would be queer silences where neither wants to speak to the other because they can't tolerate the other but... Yeah, it turned out okay. Nevertheless, I felt kinda bad for both HL and Viv. HL because she wanted to shop, but out of consideration for both me and Viv, toned it down. As for Viv, I could tell that the last place she wanted to be was that mall, whatever it was called. I think it would have been easier on her if it was more tourist-ish things that we wanted to do, rather than the monotonous pattern of checking out every single shop along Tsim Tsa Tsui to see if they stock that particular shoe I wanted. YES. We went into virtually every shoe store to see if they stocked that ONE particular pair of heels that I wanted. Single minded determination. Or you can peel back that layer of fluff and say that I'm a stubborn pig. While I did say that I had given up, I still went into each and every shop to scan for that pair of shoes. Finally found it after exhausting Viv. She would enter the shop, find the chair, plop down and then I would appear and say those two words that would send us all walking again. "I'm done." I think she hates me now.

Other than our madcap adventure to search for one pair of heels, we shop hopped as well. I managed to get a two pretty decent dresses, although one of them, on hindsight, is very much overpriced. But I like the design, so... HAHA. I'm going to ignore the expenditure as much as possible. Other than that, I stupidly bought an oversized satin bustier that I will probably see if my tailor can alter, a pair of socks, a pair of tights, a waist belt, a white eyeliner, and a pair of hot shorts that will only look flattering on me if I suddenly became skinny like Kaen. Which is like... NEVER. So in conclusion, I should never buy on impulse. NEVER. EVER. Anyhow, I got more basics later on when I met up with my parents, namely a vest and a cardigan. And then I found a really cool looking denim skirt. I got annother pair of tights. And then I found this jumper skirt-ish thing which I bought. Followed by bangles that I love and ADORE. I bought EXILE's latest album at HMV, and a Japanese fashion magazine to entertain me on the flight back. This is about everything inedible that I purchased, other than my MTR cards. OH YEAH. I got a present for Kaen too! Personally, I don't think I bought a lot of things. Most of these are wardrobe basics, and I can share them with my mum. Yup~

Shopping for others in HK is really difficult! Wanted to get things for my brother... But there was nothing appropriate for a reasonable sum of money. Everything was about a hundred, and there is NO WAY I will buy fugly teeshirts just so that I get something for my Smacky. Over my dead and rotting body! Wanted to get presents for others too, but it just didn't work out. Unless I buy food, repeated presents or cute and useless articles... Yeah. Not appealing AT ALL. Nothing screamed at me to get for anyone in particular. So sorry my dears! Next time, come with me and play! The experience would be loads better than presents I think?

I've come to realise that I tend to reply more on my parents when I'm with them. When I'm with my friends, I am much more conscious of my surroundings. I would notice the location, the direction I'm travelling, how much money I spend, the people around me... Everything. When with my parents? HAHA. I thought I misplaced my passport when it was lying in my bag all along. Utter panic. I'm way more careless, and I put my things everywhere. I'm less conscious of where I am, and I behave like I'm 15. Seriously immature. No wonder my parents worry about me while my friends do not. I think I should really leave my home for a while. Make myself more independent, turn it into a habit and stop over-relying on my parents. Be an adult. Explore the differenet facets of my personality. Stress myself. gain experience. I sound like Pokemon trainer. HAHA. Not funny. I'm a university student, and yet I'm a kid in front of my parents. I should stop being a spoilt brat so they will stop treating me like a spoilt brat. Sigh. Life is never as clear cut and simple as we try to make it out to be.

Given a choice, I think the most is one more vacation in HK. I want to spend an entire day at Ocean Park. Shopping wise, I already know where to go, so I suppose it'd be much easier the next time round. Four days should do it. One full day at Ocean Park, unless it gets so boring that I have to escape into the malls. I suppose the main thing that I've learnt in this trip is to buy what you want, because you're unlikely to go back to the same shop again. As with life, we should do what is to be done at that point in time because we're unlikely to have a second go at it. Like the shop you can't find again, life can become full of missed opportunities. Personally, I don't have any thing that I regret not buying, although there are things that I regret getting. Nevertheless, isn't it better to regret having bought it and work to rectify the situation? I don't want to be moping about something that I did not get. Then again, I don't think I'm the type to mope too much about what I missed out on. The future is to malleable for me to know that the path I did not take would be better. My two cents worth of blog wisdom so that you keep reading.Just to let you know, the pillow in the hotels STINK. I might as well as had slept on the bed alone. It was FLAT. SHEESH. My shoulder was killing me!

There were no real adventures in HK. I misplaced my Airport Express MTR while looking for my dad's hotel? I don't think that counts for anything. There was nothing terribly exhilirating nor boring, it was just life experience. I think the funny thing is how HL, Viv and I kept having dessert as a main course. Not that it was awful, but the amount of sugar... I hope I burnt it off by walking. And for the record, I walked from Tsim Tsa Tsui to Mongkok and back to Jordan with my parents. I think HK is great for walking as the weather is nice and breezy. Not like SG with the insufferable heat and humidity. One step outside my home and I start to perspire. Ridiculous weather we have here at the equator. Good thing SG has nice people, or I'll bever come back. I miss my friends and family too much to stay away, although it most certainly is VERY tempting. I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I was to go for exchange? Will you? I hope so. It'd be sad if no one would ever miss me at all. Sigh. Good thing there is the internet.

Okie. Back to life on this side of the planet. Loads of things coming up. I really want to meet up with friends and curl up with them. Yeah, sound weird, but I think all my friends understand what I mean. I want to stay with them and read a book/magazine or sleep on the cool marble floor with aircon. They can do whatever they want. I want company more than entertainment. Yes, I'm very much like a rabbit in this aspect. If you don't get the reference, you need to read more manga! HAHA.

I'll update this post if there is anything that I have missed out. Unlikely, but a possibilty nonetheless. The few photos I took will go up on Facebook by the end of the week if I have some time and if Facebook decides to cooperate with me. I might PhotoShop some of my photos as I had an allergic reaction the morning I boarded the flight. My face and neck was reddish and there were spots here and there. My skin is still recovering from the outbreak now. So yes. I look superbly ugly in my photos. Red. Spotty. Fat. Bad combination. The itch was unbearable on the flight, and I was in a cramped space because it was a budget flight, with poor air, also because it was a budget flight... Please do not expect me to look like I stepped out of a salon. No such thing. My skin was slightly less irritated after I did a mask, but it was still horrible. The return flight just aggravated it. Yes, the return flight was less cramped and had better ventilation, but still... Sigh. If I'm too lazy to care, I'll just upload the pictures, me with spots and all. Otherwise... HAHA. Yes, just stay tuned~

On a side note, I gained 1 whole kilogram! OMG. I will go and train and lose that weight TOMORROW. (There's cheer anyway~)

"We'll all play and laugh and live like fireflies in the summer night, short-lived, but glowing and beautiful"

Away

Playlist

Sunrise by D=Out

OH MY. I just realised that I am twelve hours away from boarding at the airport! Feels so unreal. As if it isn't tomorrow that I'll be in Hong Kong. At this time tomorrow, I'll be so far from home... Unbelievable!

I think this will be a short post, because I feel about as awake as a sleeping sloth. No idea why, but I'm pretty sleepy now. I don't think I'd go to sleep per se as I have to sleep earlier tonight. Don't want to be too awake at midnight when I'm suppose to be getting my beauty sleep, though I'm likely to be too excited to sleep too early. I'm suppose to be waiting for HL's dad at 430am at the bus stop so... Yes, sleep is essential.

My luggage has loads of space as of now. I think its because I pack like a guy (told to me by friends and family members). I'm only using about half the space? Inclusive of my mum's stuff. So in essence, only about 40%? But light is good, because both my elbows are a bit kooky. Sprained my right elbow,while the left is recovering. Personally, I don't think its THAT bad, although the Chinese doctor was aghast at how I managed to survive 3 days without going to her. She promptly bandaged my elbow and told me not to carry anything heavy for a week. Not possible, but I'll do my best to use more of my left hand? Is about 5kg heavy? Cause thats about the weight of my luggage. 1kg plus of stuff, while the bag is about 3kg plus. Is that heavy? I mean I could carry it with my left hand, but I think my left hand will get tired if its a long distance? And I have no intention of making V nor HL carry my things.

My current worry is that the flight will be noisy. And that will mean that I can't appreciate the full glory of my Tofu. My earphones are the normal in-ear earphones, so they have no noise cancelling function. Which is bad if the flight is going to be noisy. I want to nick my dad's earphones (mid range Audio Technica WITH noise cancelling), but he's going to fly to Korea and then to Hong Kong before coming back. I know he isn't as dependent as I am on music, but I'd feel bad for him. I wanted to invest in a proper pair of headphones, but I rarely travel (compared to my dad), and my current pair is sufficient for my daily commute and home use. So what am I to do? Any suggestions? If my dad did offer the use of his headphones, I'd take him up on his offer immediately. Its just that its rude to demand so much from him. And offer is different from a demand dears~

Okays, in Hong Kong, I will only have brief internet connection every night at around 10pm to 11pm. If there's anything that you need to tell me, please SMS or email me. MSN is unavailable on my Tofu, which is what I'm bringing along. I have no laptop, so all stuff that needs saving and extracting will be ignored. I'm not silly enough to bring a 3kg laptop, no matter how much baggage allowance I have. So yes. SMS, I'll reply only if its urgent, else I'd wait to email you. Emails will be replied to as well. If you don't know my email address? Ask KAEN. Or WINTER. Or SD. For people looking for me for school related stuff, use OUTLOOK to find my name. I'm the only person with this name in the entire SCHOOL.

Wish me fun, good health, safety okay? I'll bring back food if its possible. And if I see something and think of you, I'll get you something too~

"たとえ世界が終わろうとも　ただ貴方といたいだけ 誰も彼もうらやむ　ここが楽園なのさ..."

Game

Playlist

Genesis by Matenrou Opera

New single by Matenrou Opera. Not the most interesting single out there, but its decent listening. Hey, I'm pretty much desperate! Nice songs are never enough because there's always a need for a different song depending on your mood. Sometimes Laruku songs are too familiar. Sometimes Versailles songs are too pompous for me to enjoy. Sometimes Mao sounds too annoying. Sometimes Kato Kazuki songs are too simple. Sometimes Deluhi songs are too messy. Sometimes Sono's voice is too nasal for prolonged listening. And sometimes, Epik High is absolutely BORING. So yes, new songs are always good. I never know when I'd be in a strange mood and in need of a certain type of song. There should be some software to help us classify songs by their type so that I can match it to my mood. And I don't mean the genre!

Its been an action packed few days. Cheer summer trainings have started, and I've developed my arm, core and leg muscles better thanks to trying to outdo the guys. Ridiculous eh? I know I can't run as fast and I can't carry as much weight, but I can keep at it longer. If there's one thing I'm proud of, its my stubborn and competitive nature, never mind the aching muscles and sheer exhaustion that soon sets in. I can't match a doctor in knowledge about illnesses, but I can always aim to be better in other areas. After all, absolute strength and weaknesses aren't really applicable among average individuals in real life. If you can't outrun them, outglam them! On the topic of cheerleading and glamour, I made it onto the cover of some trade magazine for a certain company. I'm not happy my dears. Not the least because it wasn't an issue about us, but we were just used as arm candy. Fishcakes, guppies and starfishes! They lied to us nyah, and I'm angry. I hate being used. A free tee shirt does not even barely cover the time, effort and trust that was betrayed. You'd better watch out~

RIGHT! I went to Celine's house to play Wii! It was fun smacking guileless looking rabbits with a shovel. It was also fun to send the same rabbit airborne to measure the distance covered before smashing to the ground. Similarly, I had fun squirting carrot juice to drown rabbits. The fun never ends with Wii. Too bad I don't have a Wii, and its highly unlikely that I'd get one. Enjoyable, but these games are a wee bit too sadistic for the conscience that I'm nurturing to approve of. Also, there's the issue of cost. And the fact that most of the games that I enjoy are found on other platforms. man, I wish I was mad rich, so I could get a PSP, a PS3, a Wii, a Nintendo and Xbox360. Oh the games that I could play! Okay, I shall not fantasize too much. Reality would hurt more if I was living in LaLaLand any more than now. A healthy dose of reality is in order.

On another note, I finally managed to meet up with all the NUS and NTU people who had been missing in my life for the past few weeks. It really feels good to be there with them. I guess I've missed all of you loads? Its been a while since I've sat down and talked to people about things other than projects and subject related issues. Its not that we completely avoid school related stuff, more that I know that I can keep the conversation going even without numerous references to projects. Frankly, its a relief. I don't have to continue to be nice to people for the sake of grades and appearances. I don't have to say nice things to convince people to work together and motivate them to work. I can say anything that strikes my fancy, and I don't have to worry if people will misinterpret and stab me in the back. Oh, the relief~

I'll be in Hong Kong in a few more days. As mentioned, its super unreal! I'm actually looking for a leather skirt. Not a cow leather, crocodile leather nor pig leather (if there is such a thing). I'm looking for man-made leather, NOT PVC. I'm not stupid. PVC and leather is two very different things. So I want a leather skirt. Black would be nice, but I'm open to other colours if its pretty. Why do I want a leather skirt? I think its a staple of any decent wardrobe. Instant street cred, and its easy to match clothes with leather as well. I've a baby face, so I carry off a more punk look better than most. Well, I won't look OLD, more of a cute and slightly mischievous feel. Well, at least that is what I've been told. If you see a decently priced leather skirt, please tell me okay? Thanks!

"Nonsense is worth its weight in gold... Nonsensical gold of course!"