Masquerade

Playlist

I Am The Best by 2NE1

I have come to realise that I really do not like writing about my travelling exploits. I think it is because I am tired of repeating the entire experience all over again after commenting on something like 300 photos on FaceBook. Not that my blog is less important than my FaceBook account, but I think my fingers are tired from all the typing? And I am really bored of saying the same thing over and over again? So yeah, I think other than obscure mentions here and there, you will have to deal with the fact that it will only be on FaceBook. So too bad if you aren't a friend of mine on FaceBook? I assure you I have some pretty good photos. Oh well~

Somehow I seem to have gotten used to living here in Rinku Town? So much so that I get a small shock everytime I think that I will need to go home in 21 days. Not that I dislike home, but this place already seems like home? I keep forgetting that I am in Japan. As if its normal to live out of a suitcase and eat at cafeterias every single day. As if its normal to have my things randomly strewn all over the place? Somehow this seems like my real life? Which is strange because my real life is waiting for me to return back home? My bed is there, my books are there, all my other clothes are there... My family is there, my friends are there? So why do I feel like this is how things should be?

Not sure what I should do with the three day break that I shall get. I feel like travelling, but I kinda do not want to go alone. But I don't want to go with others as well? I think I either need a pet or my head examined. There is something wrong with me... And I am choosing between Tokyo and Kyoto. I know I have yet to spend time in Kyoto properly, but I am inclined to head to Tokyo. Yes, the whole of Japan is cutting down on electricity and all that, but I think there are some places that you have to go? I don't know what to do and I have to start making reservations soon. So many things to decide and I'm lost in my own hazy thoughts.

Waseda just got back to me. Apparently they contacted my exchange officer about a ten days ago, but because she was out of the office, I just found out today. Which kind of stinks, because I just lost 10 days to arrange for the flight and accommodation. And I sort of only have 3days to arrange all these. WOW. I am inclined to just throw in the towel and stay back. Save my money for another trip on another day. But I don't know. So much uncertainty. And the fact that I have yet to make up my mind is a sign that I don't want it that badly? Japan is such an expensive country. I am in Osaka and on a scholarship and yet I feel my wallet screaming. I cannot begin to imagine how awful I will feel if every single cent was from my parents. The most I can do is part time work? Which kind of stinks because the amount you earn is very limited and it detracts from the time you have to study and do other things.

Seems like the more I think, the less I feel inclined to travel to Waseda? Once in a lifetime opportunity and what am I doing? Oh right, wasting it away.

I shall go to bed now because I need to interview university students tomorrow. Annoying and my skin is so awful that I can't even use things with aesthetic appeal to make myself feel better? My clothes have been recycled about 4 times each and I am tired of always wearing the same thing. I want to rummage in my fridge and unearth ice cream. I want to pick up the phone and call my friends. I want to be able to text as I want. I think this is teaching me a lot about myself... And all the ugly things are coming to light. Like how dependent I am on society...

I need to make a decision now. Hopefully everything will be superbly obvious when I wake up in the morning? Its as if I'm stuck in a bad dream masquerading as a sweet dream.

"Go away and stop stalking me..."

Open

Playlist

What Can I Do by SeungRi

Heading to Kyoto and Nara for a total of a four days and three nights? Mainly staying in this business hotel super near Kyoto Station, which I don't think has WiFi so I will probably disappear for a while, before heading to a minshoku in Nara. Its not a full fledged ryokan I think? I shall check it out and get back to you when I return on Saturday. Anyway I am pretty excited about this, because Kyoto is one of those places that I have been dreaming of since I could remember. All the old streets and sweets... I know people say that its a city that is cold to outsiders, but I think I could fall in love with the place and the architecture. The weather forecast warns of rain and thunderstorms, so I shall hope that it stays dry when I am outdoors? Where is my teru teru bouzo when I need it...

Arranged the extension in Nara on my own. And I did my own research on the places that I want to go and the things that I want to to do in Kyoto. Quite annoying to have to keep chasing people left right and centre only for them to enjoy the benefits of your labour. Oh well. I shall do my best to enjoy the experience. I think Nara would be something like a temple hopping trip. Will walk and eat and snap photos. I don't care if they think it is rude in Japan, I shall flaunt my gaijin status and enjoy the city the way I feel it should be enjoyed. As long as it doesn't rain...

Getting quite annoyed with this girl in the course. I know, I'm not an easy person to get along with but I know I'm not the only one who finds her a pain. Serious! I mean, she likes to butt into conversations between other people to inject her two cents worth? And its not like what she says is correct? And she likes to insist that she is right and everyone else is wrong. Shameless. Not like we are from the same clique? I hang out with the other students from SG, the noisy bunch, and I'm okay with some of the gals from Kedah. I'm alright with most of the others, its just mainly her? Trying so hard to be popular. Trying so hard to be liked. I know we all want attention, to a certain degree, but she's awful. Horrible. Made me roll my eyes twice today. Huge accomplishment given how much little I roll my eyes at people. Used to think that it was horribly rude but I can start to understand why people would do such an action. Well, she should get the hostile body language and stay away from me. Otherwise I might shoot her down to gloat. Not a good thing if I have to see her for another four weeks...

I think I am getting slightly better at my script? I sort of gave up on trying to memorise it, it takes far too much effort... Instead I prepared some really pretty slides of SG to show. I think after one hour of speeches, the students would be curling up in agony at us mauling their language, so the least I could to is to improve the visuals and hope for the best. I think it is more natural, but I know I will need to refer to my script. Perhaps I could look up more and establish more eye contact, but... Yeah. The good thing is that it is not graded? Feels a bit weird to work on things that are not graded? But I think there might actually be more pressure this way? Because its all qualitative, and if there is one thing that school has taught me, it is that the qualitative things are the HARDEST to measure. Common sense nyah~

Finishing the apple that I bought from AEON now. Totally forgot about it and I think the apple, no matter how fresh and delicious, would taste awful if I were to leave it in my fridge for a week. Really good and very sweet and crunchy. If I could, I would buy one home to let my family try. Then again, there are so many things that I want my family to try that is only possible if they were to tag along? I shall hope that my parents could come with me. I know my brother would? I would bring my grandparents too... In many ways, Japan is an awesome country to travel to. Although things are expensive, quality is usually decent and the people do try to help you around. I must admit that I realised how little Japanese I know somewhere like the third day of the programme, but I'm trying? Really trying... Hopefully by the end of this I would have reached a level that was impossible previously. I was in a bit of a inertia before this trip and now... Its sort of going away? Seeing so many new things, learning so many new things and being pushed to work more and harder and faster...Its good for me HAHA.

I think I might want to stay alone after I graduate from school. It might be nice to leave my parents and do the things I should be doing on my own? And after hanging out with people who have graduated from university, I think the difference between us would be the approach and values we have? Not that its a good or bad thing, but I think the path opens up on its own. You reap what you sow, and I think I need to sow a LOT more seeds into the ground. Or I might just starve in winter. Sigh. I need to think of an internship. Might have found one, but I'm not sure. Let's see how things go?

See you in a few days! I'll try everything I can, and see everything possible with the limited budget I have~

"Its gonna be better for you to move on..."

Decision

Playlist

Sing by Glee 

So many things happened today. The most startling was the fact that I have gained 5 kilograms. Yes. 5 freaking kilograms. As if I am not fat enough. I am definitely going to do something about my weight. Nothing to drastic like eating one piece of bread per day? Nevertheless I will work out much more. Need to ensure my figure is good enough to cosplay? And I need to keep light for cheer. Otherwise the poor guys who have to carry me will die from my weight. Yeah I can joke and say that it is good training for them but I would be lying to say that it doesn't bother me? Weight is something that has constantly been bothering me since I was in JC. I don't ask to be less than 50kg, but I really do not need to be heavier than 55kg. I am already constantly teethering at the edge of HEAVY. I need to lose the flab.

Anyway, handed in my reflections and had my first speech in Japanese. Not scary because I have made soooo many presentations in school, but I could tell that it was barely decent. Was mostly staring at my script after the middle as my brain went blank. Terrible presentation. I think the content was insufficient? My presenatation was relatively short compared to that of my other classmates. Oh well. I am not going to extend it because I have no confidence... And I am likely to make another 300 mistakes if I were to continue on my own. Ridiculous, but I know my standard isn't there yet. A lot more work required before I can do things on my own.

Oh, we watched a Rakugo in the centre today... Was rather amusing at forst, but it quickly got very tiring. The jokes we all pretty crass and there are some things that differ across cultures so a few things weren't funny. Exaggerated slurping is only funny the first 10 seconds. When it extends to the 4th minute of slurping, it just becomes very tiring and boring. There were a few jokes that I had heard before, and I must admit that I'm not a fan of jokes that includes sabotage? Which makes it hard for me to like jokes in general but yeah. It was always people trying to cheat other people or people being mistreated. Not funny after the first 15minutes. It was a new experience, and the fact that part of it is in English helped me understand more, but seriously? Nothing as impressive as my Kabuki experience back home. Maybe I should go watch a kabuki performance in Kyoto? Not sure if I will udnerstand it without the subtitles, but it might be interesting? And I sort of want to go watch something artsy? So weird to go to the cultural hub of a country and not do anything remotely cultural? And I am superbly annoyed with people who only want to go shopping. Seriously can't we walk around and see the various sights? So many things to do and all you want to do is go back to sleep in the hostel? Ridiculous.

Ok maybe I am being bitchy, but I think I am entitled to do so. Cannot tolerate people who want to do nothing but sit around all day. Not like they are studying, but they want to watch television shows and sleep. All the missed opportunities! OMG just thinking about it makes me want to throw something at them. I need to be more positive. Too much negative energy in me recently. I think after exploring the States and Taiwan, along with my prior trips to Malaysia and Hong Kong, I've sort of become less tolerant of open-minded people, which is such an oxymoron. I'm being stupid about this. Sigh, I ought to be reprimanded.

Not really sure what I want to do so far, but I think I shall plan my way around? Stupid school has yet to tell me anything about where I am going to stay and everything. So hard to arrange... Maybe I should just head to Wakayama for a day trip instead? And use my long weekend to travel... OH YEAH. That might be a good idea HAHA. Sick and tired of constantly wondering why I'm indoors when there are so many cool things to do nearby? Sighs. I shall do my homework and decide on something soonish...

Strangely quiet day for now...

"Is this the place we used to love? / Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"

Across

Playlist

Marry You by Glee Cast

Stayed in most of the day. Was supposed to memorise my script and finish up my homework. Well, I guess on both counts, I sort of failed? Script is only partially memorised. And I sort of gave up on my homework. Of course I did the normal assignment, but I left the memo reflection assignment empty. I have nothing really meaningful to reflect upon anyway? Sigh. I think I'm just being lazy. I know I'm being lazy. But somehow, I am too annoyed to care? I slept in until around noon? Because I went to sleep only at around 230pm after a short drinking session. Not much alcohol, just one miserable can. Was just looking for something to do to while away time. So I only had lunch, came back and slacked a lot watching videos, and then I went cycling, had dinner, cycled back and crammed some more script memorising. Indeed, I am becoming progressively lazier.

Anyway cycling was fun. A bit tiring to go across 2 highways per trip but it was fun? The view was good, the wind was great, I got a bit of exercise and saw a different part of Tajiri-cho... All good. Went to a Japanese mall, AEON. Huge place and the food street is seriously long enough to count as a real street. Had Omu Rice with beef. A bit under 1000yen so it was alright? Good to go out, I feel so exhausted and sick of my room. No wait. I like my room. I just feel trapped in this centre. Maybe I'm not used to the small town feeling that this place gives me. As if no matter what you did, you'd never be able to get out and achieve anything? I only realised SG had that feeling after returning from NY. And apparently, the Osaka that I have seen so far gives me that same feeling? The same places over and over again, even though I have only been here for about 12 days? About one third of the time in Japan is over already....

I can feel my Japanese improving. Immersion really works when the language surrounds you. And I am already cheating by speaking English most of the time? When I am with my course mates anyway. I do my best to speak Japanese in class, but English words inadvertedly slip in because my Japanese is atrocious and I cannot find the right words to express my thoughts. Anyway my Katakana has improved, I'm better at deciphering what people are saying, I can but concepts together faster and I understand more kanji. No matter how much I complain, I must admit that making me write a speech is definitely good for improving my vocabulary and grammar. Staring at a sea of red ink corrections from the teacher is an excellent motication to improve... Of course it only lasts for a while, which is most unfortunate.

Anyway, about cycling here... Its ok I guess? Faster and more open, harder as well. Cycled back in the darkness twice already, once when it was raining. Over highways. On slightly rusty bicycles with rusted bells and bad seats. Great view, and it was fun I must admit. I think I need exercise. Either that or my time of the month is due anytime soon and I am just a bit annoyed due to hormonal imbalance. I hope its hormonal. At least it would pass if its hormonal...And I find it most peculiar that I am discussing this rather personal issue on the web but its fine. Something that afflicts every female mammal on this planet.

Going back to Glee songs. I have no idea how I am suppose to soak up more Japanese if my personal entertainment is mainly in English? Unless its looking at random Japanese shows and videos recommended by people? Which is lacking...

OH YEAH. Randomly remembered why I wanted to blog about today. Its about friendship. It occurred to me while I was speeding through this Korean movie this afternoon. I shall not go into excessive detail because the show was not that fantastic. But it did make me question what I understand by friendship? The main takeaway I had was there should always be communication. Even if the communication borders on excessive details about your personal life? Because the thing is, I find that the moment you say "I shan't say this because it would make them worry." or " I shall hide this because it isn't nice to say." and "This is a minor thing, they don't need to know.", the friendship will definitely have problems. Things like "I need to wait for the right opportunity to say this." and "Its too much for them to handle."... These are poisonous words. After all, where do you draw the line between what is important and what isn't? How do you draw the line between what is right or wrong? And when you keep hiding things and shelving things and telling yourself its ok not to say it... It becomes a reflex to just keep things inside because it isn't 'appropriate', and sooner or later, the silence is going to strain the relationship. 

The thing I oftern hear is, "But I didn't do anything wrong!". Well, my response is that not only did you probably not do anything, you probably did NOT do the right thing. Say it. A million times if you have to. Repeat it over and over again until you are heard. Do you feel like the supporting cast in a movie, liable to die any moment? Then make yourself heard. Make yourself the main character in your story. Its the same with friendship. You need to trouble people and let other people trouble you. You need to moan about how annoying your friends are while bitch slapping everyone else who says they are annoying. You need to shamelessly ask for favours and stupidly agree to do ridiculous favours. You need to scream at each other and bear hug each other after screaming. You need to go crazy, tell embarrasing stories, do stupid things and laugh so hard you feel dizzy. Thats what friends are for. Safety net, motivation, mother, father, baby, clown, doppelganger, contrast, contradiction... Thick as thieves and blood sworn. Don't hide your fears, and definitely don't hide your happiness. Relief from pain isn't always immediate. Happiness isn't always prolonged. But I think I can safely say that sharing has, in the long run, made things better. It shows people that you care for them, and that you think of them and want them with you. It shows them that they matter, and even if your best intentions mess up, I think, at the end of the day, we can all forgive each other.

So many things go awry. The truth is that life isn't fair, so strength is being able to accept this and move on. There will always be people better and worse than you. Considering how everything is a matter of perspective... At risk of sounding absolutely silly and too optimistic, I believe that everything will be ok in the end.

"We've been here too long, trying to figure out why we're here."

Misplaced

Playlist

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Was supposed to spend the night in Kobe and head to Himenoji Castle, but discovered it was under construction so... Yeah, I returned to the hostel last night. Save my time and money, and if thinks go well, we will probably head to Osaka Namba area? I have no idea where we can go to shop and eat other than Shinsaibashi? No wonder people always say that Tokyo is the place to go to shop? I'm not sure if that is true if Osaka is any gauge? This area is a bit limited if you're not willing to fork out more than 2000yen for a shirt... Either that or Singaporeans are really price conscious? I felt that shopping in Hong Kong was far more affordable. Taiwan was pretty decent when there are sales as well? Or maybe just everything in Japan is expensive.

I am supposed to revise my work but I'm surfing YouTube? And I find that its pretty hard to revise when I don't have a deadline? School has made it such that its pretty tough for me to work without deadlines. As if its not as important until I have no more time. Pressure cooking my own life. Play hard, work hard is not a good mantra for people who need rest. And I need to start sleeping earlier. Sleeping at 2am everyday and waking at 730am is not the way to go for good skin and a healthy body. My complexion is atrocious and I am often tired after a day out. At home I go out until about 11pm before heading home? But here 830pm is about my limit. While most shops are closed by around 8pm and there is no reason to stay out, the train back to the hostel is often rather painful if I don't get a seat?

Not much to say except that I keep eating sweets. Japan is full of omiyage sweets, and most of it is either matcha or red bean, and often, its both together. Initially, I went gaga over everything and wanted to try everything... But after a while, you realise that the flavours are all about the same. Yes, there are differences in texture and the intensity of the sweetness among other minor factors. The main thing is that it is generally the same, and gets boring quickly. Somehow, they manage to make Western sweets taste similar too? So now everything sweet that I eat seems like it cames from the same shop, but was worked on by a different patisseur. Sad but true. Maybe I should avoid sweets for a while so that my tongue will stop categorising it all into the same category? No idea.

Room is in an organised mess not unlike my own bedroom. And I've sort of misplaced my luggae key twice already in this place I call my room. Always left it in my luggage, which is why I had to upend the bag to find the key. Sigh. I need to get a huge keychain to securemy key. Misplacing it twice in less than 2 weeks is a kind of accomplishment I think? Not that I'm proud of myself for losing things. SIGH. I need to be much more careful.

On an utterly random, I'm very inspired by Park Bom from 2NE1? I love her hair and how she sings so beautifully. I love her pretty legs and how she's super funny. Weird girl, but very cute? Does not seem 27 at all... And I somehow, I feel that if I keep working ahrd at what I like and what I'm good at, I'd be able to live my life happily? Just a bit of optimism to keep me alive here...

"Even with you,I feel lonely..."

Immerse

Playlist

Rain by SID

Been a long time since I really listened to SID songs. I guess I fell in love with Mao when I sang his song at karaoke. I love JRock songs because they have such complex concepts? Not like your cheesy pop music. Then again, even Japanese pop music is vastly different from American pop music? More complex. Slightly more complex. And I really appreciate a song which tells a story? A song that isn't just about dancing, singing and drinking would be good. A song about the subtleties of society and the delicate relationships of people. Yeah. These are the songs I will listen to over and over again. Of course I love dance tracks and I must admit I enjoy the odd brainless pop song. But the songs that will always remain in my playlist are those that make me think twice about the things in everyday life that I might be taking for granted.

Heading to Kobe in about 8 hours. Its going to be a slightly lengthy train ride but I like trains so it should be fine? Will spend the night in a youth hostel before heading back on Saturday. I think the thing that kills you in Japan is the transportation costs and the lodging. I'm paying something like $40 per night in a youth hostel. Makes New York seem cheap in comparison, which is really saying something. Train rides are about at least $10 per trip. Disgustingly expensive especially if you head further. No wonder the Japanese people only travel in their country. Its expensive enough to never go anywhere really fun? I know it costs money to upkeep the trains and all, but surely it can't be as bad as in New York and Montreal? OH. WAIT. Trains in New York and Montreal aren't fastidiously clean like in Japan...

I feel that I'm starting to make friends? I guess no friendship here will be truly serious because everyone will fly apart soon, but I think its good to have people to talk to? Otherwise I sometimes feel pretty lonely. And I have realised that it is pointless to keep trying to speak Japanese; I need to improve my grammar first, or no one will be able to understand me. So I do my best to listen and construct sentences in my head. And it is a very bad idea to translate sentences from English or Mandarin to Japanese because it screws up the grammar. Solution? Think in concepts. I answer much slower, but at least I won't be spewing nonsense at my poor teachers and classmates. Sigh. Doing my best to cope. In many ways this programme might be doing very well because I sometimes think of the words in Japanese first? Hopefully I will return to Singapore with much more confidence and, more importantly, proficiency.

I need to get more sleep. Bedtime at around 2am is bad for health. My throat now feels weird-ish and I often feel tired in class. So I shall attempt to sleep at around midnight today. Not that great, but at least it is an improvement! Otherwise my complexion will worsen... And I always get hungry at night too, so this might be a good way to cut on food and expenses. Have yet to exercise since Monday, and I am beginning to feel guilty for being lazy. I shall workout on Saturday and attempt to walk more in Kobe. Need to burn off the fats and get some exercise. Superbly unfit. At this rate I will suffer when I return to Singapore and go for training. I'm already overseas and unable to train with the rest. Don't wanna play so much catch up in terms of physical ability. 

Discovering things about myself and Japanese society. I guess you really need to solo to get a feel for yourself. My only concern is that, the way things are now, I will never be attached. Yeah, you may think its a very superficial and ridiculous thing that is contradictory to my character, but the truth is, I'm a person who gets lonely very easily. Even with friends. Even when I'm smiling and laughing. I need someone who will love me the most in the world, no matter what. I think that's what I need? Not someone who thinks I'm pretty. Nor someone who thinks I am interesting. Someone who will think I'm lovable even when I'm angry and throwing a tantrum. Sighs. I think it is highly unlikely that someone like this exists in my social circle...

Nothing much more to add. I'll be online again in about 2 days, hopefully with a ton of gorgeous photos and stories to tell. Bought some stuff in Rinku Town and this is on top of the amount spent in Osaka? My expenditure in increasing and I am worried because I didn't bring that much money? And I hear Kobe has this fantastic area for shopping and my hostel is about 10minutes away? HAHA. Oh well, wish me a safe journey and plenty of fun~ I'll be back soon!

"My love, I'd give you my heart so you'll never need to walk alone."

First

Playlist

Somebody to Luv by BIG BANG

Been a pretty busy few days. Had a presentation this morning and a speech draft due at 8pm. This is on top of assignments and classes so I did not ahve much time to type out a blog post. Gettting swept up by things is, after, all, my favourite way to kill time. Anyway, this is to show that I'm very much still alive and suffering. My days have fallen into some sort of pattern. I wake at 745am every morning to the blaring alarm I have. Shower, change, pack my stuff and head for breakfast by 815am. I eat, talk a bit and head to class by 9am. Class is until lunch, where I devour food from the canteen while trying to discuss stuff with people over lunch. After that I head to my room at around 1pm for a nap before my class starts at 120pm. This goes on until around 4pm plus in the afternoon, where classes end for the day. Normally I'd go back and sort my things before heading for a run, but as there was work today, I started on my essay. No matter what, I usually head to the cafeteria for dinner at around 615pm, and finish my food around 7pm. Sometimes there are meetings, sometimes I go for karaoke, and sometimes I rush homework. Yeah. I return to my room by midnight and shower before I sleep at around 130am. So yeah, I get only about 6 hours of sleep everyday. I need more sleep, but... Yeah. Hard to get much sleep with so much prepatory work. And there are soooo many things that I want to do and need to do, like laundry and trash sorting.

Yeah, life here is not as fun as whatever you may think, as I've already said previously. I have a script to memorise, homework to do, and I need to plan my weekends. I think it would be an utter waste if I spent my weekends in my room lazing around. Travelled all the way to Japan and all I do is enjoy the airconditioning in my room. SIGH. I plan to head to a hundred and one places... The problem would be arranging housing and applying to stay out. Most of my daylight hours are spent in class, and at night, its tough to work on other things. Sigh. It doesn't help that I am easily distracted here. Alone and left to my own devices, I think I become a semi-hermit, staying in my room reading manga. In a way, this is kind of a good lifestyle? Studying, doing things at my own pace, exploring... For once I actually feel good? Yeah, sucky stuff happens, like the fact that I lost all the photos in my camera due to an accident. So no more Taiwan pictures. And I admit I need people to help me with my work. But this solo lifestyle? Tiring in certain ways, but really comfortable too. 

Rather bored recently. I think it is because Japan isn't what I had expected in many ways. And perhaps I am feeling resigned about the fact that my Japanese is wholly insufficient to survive in Japan. Sure I can order food and ask for simple directions, but I cannot have meaningful conversations with them? Which is a huge pain. Not that I have much to ask, but I feel annoyed. Too used to being able to understand everyone and being able to control how much people know of me. It kind of makes me want to speak even more Japanese and work harder to improve? Seeing how good everyone else is makes me want to grow more and develop more. Unequal starting points but its ok? I want to see myself improve. I want to be able to easily read the Katakana on the karaoke screen. I want to be able to confidently speak in Japanese. Its so annoying to have so many ideas in your head and no way to express it all. 

Met a lot of nice people here. The Singaporeans are a fun loving and superbly noisy bunch. We get along fine, although we are not the best of friends. I'm pretty much a solo person, as in I go to class on my own, I go for meals on my own and all. Yeah I do join the others for activities and all, but only if they invite me? I'd never self invite to their table and gatherings. I feel weird imposing on others, and I think people have this impression that I'm this quiet girl. I think I'd rather people think I'm crazy, but I guess this is all I can do given how terrible my language skills are? I shall work harder!

The teachers here are really nice people? They do try very hard to let us speak Japanese, and they give advice and guidance in many matters. The programme is really good? The concept is decent, and the fact that Japan has enough domestic variety to support this programme is part of the reason why this is so enjoyable. Osaka was fun. I think Kobe will be fun as well as I'm going to head to Himenoji Castle? If possible I'd like to spend the night in Kobe and see how things are. I should probably go with someone though? So I shall do my best to psycho people to join me... 

I should go to bed. Long day tomorrow. And I still need to work on my script for the speech. Super a lot of work that needs to be done. Oh well. I can do this! Its already been a week since I came anyway, and I believe I can do this?

And if my cheerleaders don't shape up soon, I will really scream.

"I'm not a rubbish bin; I don't eat shit."

Break

Playlist

Tonight by BIG BANG

A bit annoyed at myself. This was a fabulous day until I realised that I had bought the wrong item for my aunt. Like, how can I be such an idiot?! So I will be heading to Osaka City, again, tomorrow morning to try and change the product for the right one. Hopefully they will be nice about it? Because I have yet to even open the packaging... Stupid me. I'm really super stupid. I will be wasting time and money to train all the way down to Osaka City once more. When I can be spending the day on more productive things like... I dunno, reading manga? HAHA. Nah, I should think of this as an excellent opportunity to go out and expose myself to more Japanese people... Will do my best to speak Japanee but somehow, I still give up after the 3rd sentence or so? Or if I see someone whom I know can speak English or Mandarin, I immediately switch over. Bad habit, and I shall work hard to change that.

Classes will start on monday, and I am kind of worried. I know I am really bad at expressing myself because I am too lazy to think hard. There is a difference between knowing and KNOWING your work. Evidently, I am not good enough to be able to meet the standards and expectations of the cohort. Nevertheless, I will continue to try? If I were to give up now, the next 40days would probably be hellish, so yeah. Let me try to remain positive.

Nothing much has happened these 2 days? Travelled a bit. Sat in classrooms... Life here is nowhere as exciting as what you might think. Even though I did go to the city, it was to do the amazing race thingy and not to go shopping. Is hall admit that I shopeed a little bit, but honestly? It was nothing at all. Just walked around for a bit and then headed back home because people said that they were tired. A bit of a spoilsport, and I know it is rather unreasonable for me to feel this was as I know I cannot expect everyone to have as much stamina as me? Sigh. I dunno. Going back to exchange stuff so hopefully, I'd be able to find something I like? I am not trying to buy something... More of trying to find something to catch my eye. In many ways, Osaka is way too much like Singapore...

Have not been sleeping much recently. Maybe its because i have been sleeping late. NAd maybe its because the stupid sun rises at 430am everyday and I cant sleep in because it is far too bright to continue to stay in bed. And I have rather... hermit-ish habits. I don;t like to be restricted by the schedules of other people, and I hate having to go out with people just because they ask it of me. Annoying to the maximum. The expectation... I just feel like crushing it all. And thus, I conclude that I may be a wee bit grouchy HAHA.

Cannot wait for my results to be released. I am beginning to get a bit impatient because I desperately want my GPA to increase. So many things that I keep inside and never say. Sigh. The things we give up on... And the weatherhere is really cool... I need to wrap up and take care...

"Over and over and over again, now and forever and once again..."

Descend

Playlist

E.T. By Katy Perry ft Kayne West

As you can see, I am clearly breaking the rules by listening to English songs, typing in English, and I just had a 45 minute conversation with some random girls in English. I am so sorry, but it just... Happens. I can't fight the urge to communicate it English when I have no idea how to even say 'urge' in Japanese! The inadequecy of my education has been brutually brought under the spotlight. And I know I failed my Japanese test. I checked the answer, so I know. And no, its not the first test that I have failed. The thing is I could only answer something like the first 2 questions of each section, and proceeded to guess my way through the rest of the test. Under any circumstances, guessing is never a good thing, much less when it is an open-ended exam. Ridiculous I know, so I am totally going to get lectured by my counsellor tomorrow. They will definitely throw me into the noob-shit-dunno-how-you-made-it-through-the-filtering-process group which scrapes the bottom of every class. Yeah. Me. I am resigned to my sad fate as a barrel bottom scraper. Meh. 

This is bad. Resigned on the second day. DEAR LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH AND OPTIMISM. Ok, something to be optimistic about... I'm going to Osaka on some amazing race thing on Saturday! Should be fun? At the very least I know I will get to see Osaka Castle (because I forced my group to head there HAHA), and then there is the History Museum (not sure if I will have time for the Osaka Castle Museum), and some temple in the shopping district. The idea is to let us practice Japanese in a real life setting and fumble our way around the city. Good idea, but we'll need to have the practical to see how things are? But I shall be hopeful. I'm not sure, but I might head to Osaka again on my own during one of the weekends. I feel like heading up to Tokyo, but I know it would be difficult because I need to secure housing and come up with an itinery and honestly? I'm lazy. And I am not inclined to spend extra. Ok, what happened to optimism? Vanished along with my brain cells evidently.

I feel lonely. As if people were too busy with their happily packed lives to give a damn about someone one timezone away. No wonder people say that long distance relationship are horrible. The fact that it costs so much to send a SMS and call doesn't make anything any better. So I am now angry at others, and sad that I am alone. Terrible combination. I went to run and gym today to burn off some of the angst but I think it isn't working? Still rather energetic, well, at the very least energetic enough to be all mope-y and emo-ish.

Quite a lot of Japanese work that needs to be done. Maybe I should start studying now. Maybe. Just don't feel like doing anything. Its called inertia, and I experience it all the time... At home. This is the first time I've been away from home and NOT been excited about it. I was excited for all of 5 hours from arrival. Everything after that was... This sense that this is such a small town and oh so boring. At least at home I know they way around and the language but here? No motivation to explore, especially when the switch off half the street lights and you have to walk everywhere. Maybe I will feel better after tomorrow? I really hope this does not persist...

Two posts in two days. Well, hopefully I have the energy to do this again tomorrow. Or maybe not. I should wish to not have the energy. And I really want to blog about the States but the events are slowly fading from memory. Now its one whole big piece of paper with random words... Its no longer an essay waiting to explode out from me. Bad sign. And might be due to the fact that I did not have a table in US, nor a stable Internet connection. I really thing the table is the main factor. Hard for me to type with this mammoth on my lap.

”お前は俺の前でそうやって嘘を広めて！”

JENESYS

Playlist

The Loco-Motion by Grand Funk Railroad

Yes, superbly old song... I think the original was from the 1970s or something, because Kylie Minogue did a cover in 1988. Ancient, but quite cool I think. Catchy in that super retro song way. And I like it cause SMAP was performing to this song in their new CM. Yes, totally biased HAHA.

Anyway... I am in JAPAN. To be exact, I am in Osaka, in this little port town known as Rinku Town, all the way at the outskirts of Osaka. Next to the coast. Its a pretty little town, where the nearest train station is about 25 minutes away. Loads of wide spaces. Loads of plants. Not a lot of people, but I see a lot of families. Anyways... Culture shock to the maximum. Its only the first day and I'm assaulted by Japanese. Even logging onto the Internet directs me to Google Japan and all the Japanese words are screwing with my brain. I assure you, its one thing to go on tour, and a totally different thing to solo it out. New York and Taiwan and China and wherever was fine. If not because of the language, it was because I had people I could talk to. Now? OMG is the only expression I can come up with that can even start to describe how I feel. Its seriously an ASSAULT. All your senses going in overdrive to try to help you cope. Exciting, but very worrrying. And knowing me who is currently listening to Glee, I am using escapism to get away from the language overload. Not a good thing at all...

Anyway, my first SQ flight. I can start to understand why some people won't fly any other airline but SQ? Hot towels? Gorgeous menus? 150 channels of movies to watch? A gazillion albums and songs to listen to? Virtually my entire Korean playlist was available on SQ. GD&TOP, yes. 2NE1, yes. SHINee, yes. TVXQ, yes. It was so comprehensive that they even had Vidoll's Monad! Like hello? Scary much? I'm not going to talk about their English songs. Top 10 hits of every year since the 1970s? Insane. Too bad they didn't have the Warblers, otherwise I might just fall in love with them. Anyway... Service was ok, had this rather sulky stewardess, and the food was decent. Not great, but decent. Better than Eva that's for sure! Although the stewardesses (is there even such a word?!) on Eva were prettier. But yeah, SQ tries very hard to be perfect, gotta give them credit for it.

The Institute is GORGEOUS. I have been exploring, and I declare the place more than satisfactory. The room is much larger than expected, and the facilities are plenty decent. I might grow sick of the place in the next 40 days, but I must admit that it is nice. The view is fantastic and while the location leaves much to be desired, I guess it would be manageable if I had rented the bicycles. People here are generally friendly and hey try very hard to make me speak Japanese. I do speak, but I think I seem like a very quiet girl. HAHA.

First day here so there really isn't anything much to say, except that I am superbly thankful for the presence of the Internet. Otherwise I might have died from loneliness. I need to feel connected to people; even when I'm out with people, I have a habit of moving close. I hug and cuddle with my close friends... All I can say is I'm a very tactile person. Which is why being alone sucks. I'm like a rabbit; I need to cuddle. Or I might die.

Nothing much to say. Hopefully I will be consistent with my blogging. This year has been pretty much a drought period, what with less than 30 posts in 6 months. What am I doing I wonder...

"Where's the rock and roll?"

Mess

Playlist

Get It Right by Glee

This song grows on me. The first time I heard it on GleeOnFox, I was totally prepared to diss it as just another song that showcased the vocal prowess of Rachel Berry blah blah blah. But amzingly, its really pretty good. Yes, total Rachel Berry showcase, not like we need yet another one, but I think this song is good. Go check it out on the official Glee channels to support Glee! OK, advert done. I can go back to squealing over Blaine Anderson (Darren Criss) and his Warblers. I'm so sad that he's going to exchange the Dalton blazer for normal clothes. I love the Dalton school uniform! Oh well, I'll just wait for Season 3...

I think travelling to the States has changed me. I'm not sure exactly where and how, but I know that I have a different approach to things now. More anger, but at what? There is this sense that life is bigger than whatever I have seen, and there is this sense of fatalism. As if, no matter what I do, the future has already been decided for me, and there is nothing I can do to change it. Its ridiculous, because I think the trip was supposed to make us feel inspired to work harder and smarter and to try everything that comes our way. Evidently, it doesn't seemed to have had the desired effect on me.

I really feel like interning now. Everyone is doing their internship, and all I'm doing this summer is travelling everywhere. States, Taiwan, Japan. What did it do for me? Make me more depressed and somehow, I feel totally alone. As if I was cut off from everyone else and I can't seem to get anyone back. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea how I will clear my internship component at this rate, especially if I go on a one-year exchange to Waseda. Unless I am amazing enough to score an internship in Japan? I have no idea. My grades are horrible, I have no inkling as to what major I want to declare, I have no idea which industry I want to work in... I think I'm really drifting around meaninglessly. Maybe an internship would have given me some sense of direction. I have no idea. I think all I'm capable of is to grasp at straws in the hopes that something makes me feel less like an overgrown child. Utterly depressing. 

So yes. In conclusion, there are about 300 things that I need to do, of which I have yet to take action on any of it. Go ahead and scold me and say whatever you want. I'm just in a weird mood to sit around listening to songs the whole day. Not the least bit productive, but not that I really care now. I know I will regret this, but I would like to believe that the time I enjoyed wasting isn't exactly wasted if I enjoyed it. Very optimistic and excuse-sounding, but what can I do? I need toget out of this emotional quicksand, but I have no idea how...

Just to let you know how deep I am in nonsense and sinking fast, I need to 1) Pack for Japan, 2) Declare my major, 3) Study Japanese, 4) Buy omiyage, 5) Settle Flare stuff and all these are by next Monday! I also need to decide on exchange, and if I do go on exchange, I need to find out how I am going to clear my internship. Its really not easy to find a Japanese internship if you are a foreign student? And my school really does not help with this... Unless I was to take Leave of Absence and intern? That might be a pretty good idea actually... I am kinda tired of school. Disillusioned with the establishment. Too many years of book flipping and paper chasing. Yes, even people like me who you think are bookish get tired of studying. It should be said that it is especially scary when the people who love something start hating it. I've seen a few people who have truly lost it and I'm not keen to join them. The way you hate something you once loved... The intensity of emotion is not to be trifled with. And the one thing I seriously cannot afford right now, is to hate studying. I'd suffer a slow and exceedingly painful death...

I have nothing more to say. Just gettting more depressed as I type. Ciao.

"What are you waiting for?"

Transition

Playlist

Some People by Kurt Hummel (Chris Coulfer) from Glee

I am superbly annoyed with so many people. If I was to list everyone here, it will look something like a list of people to assasinate. If killing people was not a crime, I'd do it. Make life easier for everyone in the whole wide world. Ok, maybe it is just me who wants to kill three hundred people. Maybe. I'm honest. Who knows, there might be three hundred other people who want to kill the people on my bucket list. Whatever. Annoy me more and I'll be mean. I don't like burning bridges, but I'd do it if I have to.

I like Glee. They sing nice songs and make me happy. They have cute characters. They have decent character development. Of course, I feel that Season 1 is way better than Season 2. But I still like how Tina and Santana and Brittany and Kurt have their romp in the sun? Rachel and Finn is a bit too much. Overkill and getting boring with their silly love pentagon with Quinn. And the transformation of Sue is annoying. Its like trying to de-stereotype someone you set up as a stereotype to explore the complexities of the various relationships. Ridiculous. And bring terri back is just plain dumb. She doesn't do anything to the plot! And I am terribly depressed that I only have one more episode to the end of Season 2. And that I have to wait to August to get Season 3. The good news is Blaine and Sam are now permanent. Cannot wait! Meanwhile I think I will check out Vampire Diaries and Lie to Me. I know none of them are going to be as epic as Glee but I guess I need to get myself exposed to more stuff. If I get bored I will probably rewatch Glee. Totally worth it.

Right now, I am about 10 days away from going to Osaka. Yes, I have just realised it. I have yet to decide on what to bring. I have yet to change money. I have yet to brush up on my Japanese. I have yet to meet up with all my friends in Singapore. I have yet to plan the stuff I want to do in Osaka. I have yet to write my Japanese self-introduction. I am so screwed. Someone punch me out of my Glee craze and make me start mugging Japanese. Else I will go there and get a huge culture shock. And just gesture at anything and everything in the hopes that someone will understand. Or just resort to English or Mandarin. I am so scared. Can you see my despearation? Its seeping through my language. All the short phrases and sentences. I ramble when I am confident in written text.

So many things that are not working out in my life. Grades are not that great. I feel disillusioned by the things I am learning. CCA is kinda starting to suck as people get depressed and are no longer as motivated. In general I feel a bit lonely and it really does not help that my friends are everywhere and busy with their own lives. I guess I'm just down and kinda on my way out. Not that I am proud of this, but if there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that acknowledging the situation makes things easier for myself. Face up to my fears and understand that I am not perfect. Yes my grades are lousy. Yes my path ahead is nearly all thorns and no fluffy clouds. Yes I have no real idea of what I want to do and how I am even supposed to get anywhere. Yes just slap me upside down with my track shoes.

There are so many things that are going wrong, but I want to take this short paragraph to be appreciative of everything that went well. Like how I'm actually going to Osaka. Like how Taiwan was rather enjoyable. Like how trainings are killer tough and my body seems to be bouncing back into shape. Like how my brother seems to be feeling slightly happier recently. Like how the weather is improving in Singapore, from bloddy hot to warm and wet. So many more things could go wrong, so I need to be happy. So what if things are bad? Its okay. I can deal with it. Things have been worse. I'll do my best and hopefully, be able to laugh at everything I went through someday.

"Here we go againn.../ I kinda wanna be more than friends.../ So take it easy on me... /I"m afraid you're never satisfied..."

Laundry

Playlist

Somewhere Only We Know by Warblers

I am absolutely in love with Glee. For someone who usually does not have the patience to watch American television programmes, Glee has been surprisingly addictive. I kinda like virtually every character in Glee? Although I am very partial to Kurt, Blaine (like who wouldn't love Klaine?!), Santana, Brittany (again superbly hilarious together) and Sue. All are amazing actors/performers and I think Glee is probably one of the best things to ever happen to television. I am addicted to the songs and I love the performances. Snarky lines are fantastic as well. Its a really empowering show, and I think it deals with issues of today's world very well. I would recommend everyone to watch the show. Don't just watch the performances! There is some really good story-telling, especially in Season One. Like nothing you have ever seen.

Now that I have got the shameless advert out of the way, I need to declare that I AM BACK IN SINGAPORE! Woohoo! Was in the States, New York, and in Canada, Montreal for about 3 weeks before I went to Taipei. I know I am supposed to tell stories about what happened in New York and Montreal but I must admit I was busy (trying to cram a decent reflective essay in 2 days while constantly distracted by Glee and YGE is NOT a good way to do work), and a wee bit lazy. I should get around to doing it sometime in the next three days. If you don't see anything in 3 days, you can expect that I will never type out the entire long drawn retarded story. I would probably list down all the cool/ interesting things that I managed to do in my limited budget and time, but yeah. I need to be in the mood to type an extensive post. And moods, well you know how moods are. They come and they go.

Bought quite a lot of clothes, and was doing laundry. Strangly enough I felt that the clothes from the USA were cheaper than that of Taipei? I have no idea how it came to be so but it is the truth. Quality is better and the price is comparable, if not cheaper. No wonder Americans love shopping. I could too. Anyway, not to sound like a middle-aged housewife but I kinda like to do laundry? As in when I feel in the laundry mood (yes, that word again), I can clear piles of clothes in one washing. It helps when the sun is out so that my clothes dry faster and I can wash more stuff. I am dead serious when I say this. Its hard to get me to wash new clothes usually, and I am very inclined to just toss everything into the washer when I should be hand-washing but... Yeah. When I start washing, its a huge load. Something like 30 pieces at least. Madness but I think it might be hereditary or contagious so I am not completely to blame. HAHA.

Heading to Osaka in early June. Yes I might have been bitten by the travelling bug. Plane flights are not the most pleasant thing, especially when you are doing long haul flights with crazy people or crying infants near you, but I like to get to places. Customs are another nightmare, and I cannot fanthom how people without visa-free nationalities get anywhere. I already feel that it is a pain, what more those who need another ton of paperwork just to get anywhere. A necessary evil to board a plane at 1am in the morning, but hey, its Singapore Air (always fantastic when compared to other airlines, I assure you) and its virtually all expenses paid so why not? Japan. Kansai. Osaka. I am in total disbelief as I type this. You know me, I can keep calm in the weirdest situations BECAUSE I am in disbelief. As if my brain is capable of separating reality form THAT WHICH NEEDS TO BE DONE. The more hysterical I behave, the less hysterical I feel inside. The less I show, the more I feel inside. It is a really strange paradox and I have no idea why I behave in such a manner. Maybe from some stupid past trauma blah blah blah. I have just come to terms with the fact that I might actually be noisier than Hell itself so I am unprepared for more self-discovery. One thing at a time yo~

I can feel myself derailing as I struggle to finish this post in order to go for lunch. So I think I shall conclude here by reiterating the fact that Klaine is superbly adorable and everyone should go watch Glee. 

Oh. And I need to say one more thing!

I am not a child. I freaking hell virtually arranged trips to Hong Kong, Taipei and helped with a gazillion other travel plans. Furthermore, the attitude that you showed me was horrible. You are making a request of me, and that is NOT the tone to use. Unfortunately for me, money does not descend from the sky. Else I would not be hunting high and low for free ways to go to Japan. And in case you have forgotten, I happen to be a full time student. I need to know my schedule before I can make a decision. AND YOU DO NOT FUCKING SPRING THINGS LIKE THIS AND DEMAND AN ANSWER IN TWO DAYS. TWO DAYS. HELLO. INCONSIDERATE MUCH? Leave me out of the discussion and SUDDENLY I HAVE TO TAKE ACTION NOW? The last time I checked, I don't owe you ANYTHING. You did not tell me anything about your plans. You did not ask me for my opinion. I had no idea what was going on and now you make it sound as if it is my fault that I am not giving you an answer immediately? Hello, I CAN WALK THERE IF I MADE UP MY MIND TO DO SO. Do not use that stupid condescending tone on me. One little thing like this and it tires you out? Don't make things to be larger than they really are. I am not amused. I was nice and polite because you are a friend. For now. You might go into the acquaintance category soon if you keep up with such ridiculous behaviour. I have no patience with fools. My life is already filled with them, and I do not need to add to the collection. I am really disappointed in you. And in case you think this is bad? You should see my original reply. And you should have seen the reply SHE wanted to give you. We're not impressed honey, we're really not.

"I walked across an empty land,/ I knew the pathway like the back of my hand..."

Explore

Playlist

Open Up Your Mind by Mirai

Currently in New York! Last day here after spending a week here chilling around, getting fat from awesome muffins and visiting companies. It has been a number of days so I shall just give a brief recap. Exams ended on 19th April in the morning. Rushed to do my ID and clear some administrative maters such as changing foreign currency and meeting up with old friends. Had a good time walking around with JX, which was followed by a karaoke session with some people in Flare. Mainly a mess of packing and worrying about all the little things such as my court shoes and attire. I must admit that I was superbly excited about the trip and really lookig forward to it. The days passed by in a blur, and on 21st April, I woke up wondering what I would have to pay for being able to go to New York on such a fantastic programme. And boy is the price high...

Parents took half a day off to have breakfast with me and send me to the airport, something which I really appreciate. Had a nice breakfast with loads of kaya, yes I adore kaya, and just took it slow. They drove me to the airport, and met Kaen and SD there! Thank you guys for showing up! I love you! And I miss you loads... How will I survive another two weeks without seeing you guys? Sigh, too reliant on you guys. Queued to check in, went in, took some more kaya bread, boarded the airplane and I was on my way to Taiwan's Tayuan to transit. A short 4hour flight and I managed to get about an hour of sleep. By Eva Air and it was pretty decent? The flight stewardess was really pretty, and they had this really annoying high pitched and fake-girly voice? Nice service in the very typical Taiwanese girl style though I must admit? So I arrived in Taiwan feeling really energetic and happy... And then there was the second leg of the flight to Newark.

Oh my goodness it was awful. Cold, unable to fall asleep due to this annoying Taiwanese woman who kept the light on to write random stuff and the space was too cramped for me to have sufficient leg room. Did I mention that there was an irritating Taiwanese woman on the flight who kept the light on throughout the flight? I happen to be very sensitive to light so I could not sleep at all. Wanted to slap her. With my shoe. Or something else hard and hopefully made of metal. Like a hammer. So I clocked about 2hours of sleep on a 14hour flight. Crazy torturous expereince that I never want to replicate again. Anyway we arrived in Newark at about 9pm, my prof had some drama with customs in Newark, which is a joke as he was based in USA for about 10 years? In the end we made it through, took a chartered shuttle to the hostel and unpacked, went for some supper nextdoor at the deli, and went to bed. And that is Day1.

Had a really good sleep as I was superbly tired (hello 4hours of sleep ONLY?) and woke up when the sun was nice and up at 730am. To think positively, the lack of sleep made me non jetlagged? Because I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep? Hopefully the flight to taiwan won't be as painful and I won't have too bad a case of jetlag. I really want to go around in Taiwan. Anyway I will not go into the nitty gritty details of what I did as there are really too many things to type? Just that in the first free and easy 3 days, we went to Stanten Island, took photos at the Brooklyn Bridge, explored Times Square (as my hostel is just off Times Square), went to the Metroplitian Museum, Coney Island... Its about there? If you want details, go ahead and ask me, I will tell you everything and all the drama that surfaced. A lot of things, tried a lot of food and just had a good time seeing the different things in the city. New York is a place that is rather different from Singapore? Like obviously? HAHA. Took the subway everywhere, which is a pretty fun? You get to see the 'normal' people in New York, you get to learn a different system, you get to be 'one' of the crowd. There were a lot of buskers in the Subway and I assure you its totally different from home. The buskers are super good and super talented. Not always my thing, but I can definitely appreciate talent when I see and hear it.

The first three days were a blur of acclimatising and exploring and wandering. Good, but there were things that had started to crop up, and many things would just degenerate over the next few days. Lull before the storm that isn't really a lull nor a storm, if you get what I mean?

Okies, I need to go to bed. Need to wake super early tomorrow and the freezing night weather is making me most uncomfortable. Goodnight!

"With you, things would be infinitely better."

Empty

Playlist

Love Song by Big Bang

This is my 300th post! Celebrations are in order! It took me about... 3 years? So I guess I post an average of 100posts per year, which brings us to about one post every 3 days. Quite a feeat if I say so myself? After all, there were periods where I disappeared for a while, too caught up with my suffering/fun to post. Or just too lazy to compose my thoughts and write a proper essay on how I feel. or just at a loss as to how to express what I am feeling and decided that I should not be childish and just rant. Regardless of what I have said or have not said over the years, I think being able to continue a blog is a kind of achievement on its own. Being honest to yourself and doing my utmost not to create nonsense to contribute to the growing presence of rubbish on the Interne... Hey, I think I get a paragraph of bragging rights?

The older I get and the more I reflect, the more conflicted I think I am. So many things that I say I believe in, but when push comes to shove, my behaviour is superbly erratic. I wish I could tell you that I am someone who practices what she preaches. Or even that I am a total hypocrite and that I cannot be trusted to do things right. The maddening things is that my behaviour alters according to the situation, so much so that while I am a hypocrite, I think there are quite a few who have witnessed the 'resilience' of my mind.

I'm not trying to lie to anyone intentionally, which probably only makes it worse. I'm the kind of person who had rather you cheat on me because you wanted me to pay more attention to you, rather than not cheat on me and just let the relationship die out. Ok, the previous sentence was really convoluted, but you get the idea. I think it is difficult to live for other people, so its hard for me to pretend to like other people or do things that I dislike? I can be polite about it, and I can smoke to cover my ass but... Sigh, I wonder why I am behaving like this...

Getting rather moody. I wish I could fall in love with someone other than myself. So scary how I feel so empty inside. I smile and decline people, saying the words that no apology will ever rectify. I find flaws in people because they refuse to accept the fact that I cannot love anyone. I always tell the other party: " I think it won't work out because I cannot bring myself to like anything from the bottom of my heart." And none of them have ever believed me. I had to tell them that I liked someone else. Or that I didn't like something about them. Why? The fact that you cannot believe and understand how I cannot like someone is reason enough to not continue. If you had told me and asked to continue as friends, there might have been a chance, because I fall in love with all my good friends but... SIGH. You will never read this and will never understand this.

I am getting sad just from typing this out. So many things you never manage to say in person. So many things that never come out the way you want them too. I think our lives are full of regrets and missed opportunities that make us want to knock our heads against the wall.

I shall go back to drooling at the dance moves that guys can do. Yes, I should be studying for my finals :(

"You said it wouldn't be so, but you lied..."

Musings

Playlist

Athena by TVXQ (or HoMin for those who refuse to acknowledge a 2 member band)

I think whoever said that people fight to survive only got half the equation right. Something like LHS does not agree with RHS if you remember whatever you learnt in Mathematics class from school. I think we fight to live as desperately as we fight to die. Yeah, it may sound really silly, but hear me out? I don't always post nonsense here HAHA.

I've seen how very destructive people are. So very SELF-destructive to be exact. It is as if we cannot help but want to die even as every cell within us fights to keep us respiring. We drive ourselves so hard, so cruelly, testing the very limits of our body and minds, as if a short and blazing legacy is the only thing worth living for. Of course there are those who have a long and blazing legacy, but how many of us can claim to be so gifted to be able to do something like that? Not many. Barely any in fact. Of the few billion of our kind who walk this earth with us and before us, how many people have a legacy that was remotely memorable? We can list them because the billions of us disappeared, and will disappear, the day we die, both literally and figuratively.

Must we all discover the next cure for AIDs? Must we all be the best ballet dancer in history? Must we all marry 15 other people and divorce 15 times? Must we all invent something or do something or revolutionise something? Can't I just be another face in the crowd and smile as I watch the clouds move across the sky? I cannot understand why our worth is determined by what we accomplish. What about my potential? What about my character? What about the little joys I bring to the people around me? What about my ability to keep alive in spite of the pollution and disasters? Its a fight to be born, its a fight to stay alive, and now I have to fight to make sure I die in a way that can be remembered? How sad.

I used to be very driven. Wanted to get straight As in school, wanted to be in the best jobs, wanted to prove my worth. And one day, I realised, I was doing all these so desperately because I was insecure. Scared that people would hate me if I was not exemplary. Scared that I would be hurt if I was unable to deliver. Scared that I would have no reason to exist if I could not live up to expectations. And then I realised, who do I want recognition from? My parents? My family? My friends? My school? Society in general? What was I so desperately looking for? What was missing in my life that I needed to throw caution to the wind and fight every burning breathe and throbbing step of the way. And it hit me. The only person I wanted to say they loved me was myself.

Indeed, I want my parents to say they love me. I want my friends to like me, and I want school to recognise me for my efforts. But the thing I really want is to be able to wake up and go to sleep happy. Happy that I am here, happy that its another day alive in this beautiful world. Its not about the best grades or the best relationships. All these are supplementary and work towards giving you a better sense of self-worth. You could live without all these if you had a fabulous sense of self-worth. You'd be happy regardless, others may call you an idiot, but who can hurt a happy idiot? You'd be able to find happiness wherever and however, and that, I think is a kind of accomplishment on its own.

I'm not telling you to be lazy simply because lazy people can never find happiness. You're too lazy to make the extra effort to be exceptionally happy. I'm asking you to learn to love yourself. So what if you can't get straight As? So what if your family is in a mess? The very fact that you're here on this earth is half the battle won. We'll all die in the end, why not make your stay on this planet more enjoyable? Why hurt yourself trying to be someone or something you are not? Why make yourself upset by forcing things that aren't meant to be? I'd slap you if you could do it and were to lazy to achieve it. I'd punch you if you gave up easily on something that could have been yours. I'd kill you if you said I'm encouraging people to roll around on their beds all day and proclaim they were born to lay in bed all day. This is not what I'm saying. I'm stick by my belief that you have to fight for what you want, but on top of that, love yourself. Love yourself for everything you can and cannot do. Love yourself for all the wonderful things you can do, and stop drilling yourself deeper into holes. Love who you are, because if you don't, no one else could really love you.

"Uphill battle for that downhill pleasure."

Insignificant

Playlist

Stupid Liar by Big Bang

I love the fact that Big Bang is back form their 2.3 year hiatus. Not that I have loved them from 2 years ago, but it means that I have more stuff to add to my music library. It was getting a wee bit old in there.

It is now Study Week, and I have been trying to study for the past week, but you know me. I need a decent level of stress to be able to function properly. And the fact that the real hardcore papers are the last 2 days of the entire exam period is not helping to boost my studying morale. I'm in this happy holiday state which is, honestly, worrying the rationale part of me. Not that I have not been doing ANY work, I am too rational for that, but I have not been working sufficiently hard. And I'm disappointed with myself.

I know I really should be more hardworking and I know my grades need the extra effort, but I am in no mood to slog like a cow. Or a horse. And I think my final grade is going to reflect this lack of commitment. I shall start mourning for my grades now. Wait, I should be studying rather than mourning OMG. I've got the order totally wrong.... So many things that could have been put aside, and was not. So many things that should have been done and was left alone. So many things that have been hurled into the room of regret, and I think I might need another such room again. Too many things that make me sigh when I look back.

Has been a long time since I blogged, to the extent that I wonder what I should say. Passing emotions were expressed at Tumblr. Random thoughts that float through my head were dumped on Twitter. I think the onslaught of social media has made it such that thoughts lose their value. How much value can each tweet have? Its reads like random spewings of a semi-crazed person, what with rants and random comments here and there. Conversations with others pepper your tweets, and the general feeling is a never ending MSN conversation. Tumblr is better, but it allows you to be lazy. You can post photos and videos and they even have a template for conversations. So very easy to make yourself heard. So easy to express yourself. So easy to lose yourself.

I think thoughts are important because it needs to go through the workings of your brain. You need to observe and infer and come to a conclusion before expressing your opinion. This task becomes even more difficult once you include the dimension of conveying it succintly. On Twitter, I would just mouth whatever I observe. On Tumblr, I just dump the raw data and allow you to come to your own conclusions. I can be as lazy as I want without 'damaging' the experience. But what does it do for me? Nothing. Who listens? No one. Who cares to begin with? So much raw data. Good for sharing but who do I share this with? I might as well just put the links up there for the whole world to access in their free time. Good riddance to personal opinion and takeaways from the experience.

So what happens to experience? I know experience is over-rated, but it isn't over-rated to THIS extent. There is value in falling and tripping and rolling up your sleeves to get your hands dirty. There is value in composing an entire blog post from start to end with decent reasoning and logical assumptions. It is not easy. It can be tiring. It is definitely time consuming, but when I look back at my blog posts, I can't help but smile at the memories. So many things that I was worried about, so many flavours depending on the situation and my mood. The things I love and loved, so many people I met, so many worries... It makes me feel glad that time has passed and I've grown and learnt from these things that I have chronicled. It is not the same for Tumblr. I look back at my posts and sometimes wonder what I was trying to tell people. Was I in a bad mood and being angsty? Or was I just trying to be cool and tough and dug out something 'emo'? I wonder too much for me to be happy with what I'm posting. Which is why even though I may have disappeared from here for a while, I always come back. The perfect relationship, not forced to stay, allowed to roam, and always welcome when I return. Now I just need to find a guy who is like this. I'd love him forever.

You may think I think too much. You may think I am unnecessarily conplicating things by looking at it at from the weirdest angle possible. Its ok, I somethimes think the same of myself as well. Th thing is, this place is meant for me to talk to my future self. Sure, to communicate my thoughts to my friends as well, but... The audience isn't exactly you. It is kinda myself. I want to see what happened to the adrenaline-loving, solo dance-loving, tako mouth girl. I want to remember how the years have been cruel. I want to remember all the beautiful emotions that I experienced. I want to fall in love with myself every time I read my blog. Myself for being flawed and imperfect and so very perfect. Call it self-love. Call it pride and arrogance. I believe in loving myself because no one will ever understand, and at the same time, not understand me as much as myself.

"Am I that easy to love? Am I that easy to leave?

One

Playlist

One by D=Out

New single by D=Out after they went mainstream. The music has changed a little, but I think it is still decent listening. The PV was nice and funny, and the guys had a lot of fun in the filming so I guess they are still essentially the same band. As you can tell, I'm a fan of the band and more importantly, the music, so I can't be bothered if they do go mainstream or stay indie as long as they are still able to produce fabulous music. Some may say that the bands have betrayed their roots or whatever, but I subscribe to the believe that as fans, my role is to support the band as far as I can. If D=Out went pop I'd probably roll over and die and never listen to another song again but otherwise? I'm not particular at all.

This is the last week of formal classes in school. Time seriously flies, even when you're not having fun. I guess this semester has been like every other semester in this glass cage in the middle of town? Tiring, full of drama, alot of work, falling ill, presentations and more of the usual things that transpire in the everyday life of an active female university student. Gone to more classes than I care to count, did less work than I imagined, smoked and fluffed my way through my everyday, and met one guy that I'd really like to be in a relationship with.

Yeah, got you there didn't I? I've never ever talked about any flesh and blood, non-family non-idol male that i'd liek to have a romantic relationship with have I? Always been happy to just float around and do my own thing... Been contented and avoiding the jarring lack of male relationships. As in, yeah, I have guy friends and guy groupmates and classmates and all that jazz, but I've never ever wanted someone? I guess because I'm a lazy and selfish girl who just ignored everything. Turned people down, and always picked at faults but inside, I knew that if I tried, I think something could have worked out. Just that I didn't want it to work out as I'm too lazy to get out of my comfort zone and be nice to people I'm not familiar with for a change. Even with him, I was wishing he was attached so that I could just tell him I liked him and get rejected immediately. I just wanted to move on. But voila! Not attached. So what shall I do with these feelings?

I've given a lot of relationship advice from my common sense, and if I was to advise myself, I think I would have yelled at myself. HAHA. Went to text him and point blank asked if he was attached. Covered it up with professional reasons, but really, I wished I could have asked him for a one week trial. I don't know if it would work out, which is a first time for me (the not knowing the end result part!), so I want to see if its an exercise in futility or something possible. So many reasons NOT to ask, but the thing is, I hate the feeling of being in limbo. I'm not the kind of person to have a secret crush, because my crushes can never be secret. I don't like misunderstandings between people, so I tend to overcommunicate when I'm in a relationship to try reduce the miscommunications which are bound to occur. Its been alright so far, but I think some peopel would feel that I overshare. So what? I know I'm weird. Shoot me for being unable to be dull and boring and quiet.

Going to the hair salon on Friday. Like FINALLY after about a year. I know I should really take better care of my appearance, but I must admit that it is too time consuming to worry about it. And after I discovered make-up and dressing to take the focus away from my 'flaws', I've realised that I can get away with a lot of nonsense. Nonsense like eyebags, bad skin and messy hair. As long as it looked like it was done on purpose, the hair not the eyebags!, people wouldn't find it weird. Which is weird but never mind, I'm just glad I get to be lazy. Anyway, I have no idea what kind of hairstyle to get on Friday. Probably will just tell the guy not to cut my hair too short, and not to layer too much but yeah. Unless I see something awesome in a magazine, or if I were to have a brainwave from now to then... Thats about it. Hair can grow back which little difficulty, although being laughed at by my peers isn't a particularly stimulating nor positive experience.

Presentation in about 30minutes. Should I text him before I go in?

"All I want is the things I want."