Mature

Playlist

Don't Cry by Park Bom

This is a song that makes me feel sad? Korean song by Park Bom of 2NE1, about saying goodbye to someone you used to love. A goodbye that is bittersweet because you know letting that person would make both of you happier. Its not a song about anger, unlike most other love songs I have heard recently, so I really like this. More of... Understanding that some things in life just do not work out? It takes quite a lot of maturity to be able to accept this? Well, just my thoughts.

Hmm. Numerous public holidays this term so I have a lot of make up classes on Saturdays. Shifting my week from weekdays to the weekends. I think I have 5 Saturdays worth of make up classes for the 3 public holidays and the 2 eves of public holiday. Quite annoying to have to go for class at 830am on a Saturday but oh well, not much that I can do. Squishing 3 days worth of classes into 2 days is not a viable option and skipping the class would be dumb because I pay school fees! Not much I can do, so I shall stop mumbling about how sad it is. Countless other people in the same straits as me.

Other than this, it has been a pretty quiet semester? Many of my friends are overseas on exchange and I see FaceBook constantly updated with their photos. Of course I am rather busy with cheer stuff and school work, I have presentation tomorrow OMG, but either I have gotten so good at managing my time that I now have a lot of free time... or I am deluding myself. I am strongly inclined to believe that I am deluding myself about the excess of time. If there is something that I have learnt from 4 semesters in this little nightmare in the middle of the country, it is that there is NEVER enough time. NEVER. You will work from 8am to 3am and still be lagging behind. You will read notes on the bus and on the train and when you are eating and when you are in the toilet there will still notes you will have never touched even up to the moment of the exam. You will never be fully prepared for presentations, even if you were to read every single important article related to your subject and rehearse ten times. You may feel that this is an exaggeration, but ask my peers. Most will voice a similar sentiment. Of course, this is what you need to do if you want a good A grade and wasn't born a genius or with an excellent memory. Peasant class individuals like me don't have the time to put in so much effort, so I survive on the fringes of GPA respectability. Which is a really fancy way of saying that my GPA sucks. Yeah we will all say that GPA is not the one and only important in our lives but going by the way everyone mugs, you would think we were all hypocrites.

On the topic of school, Glee Season 3 starts soon! So happy! I must admit that Season 2 was pretty much a let down in terms of story telling, although the relationship between Blaine and Kurt was awesome, and the musical numbers were show stoppers in general? Oh well. I happen to like The Warblers, so if Blaine joins McKinley, I will be super sad, though I understand that its to facilitate plot development? Whatever. I enjoy Glee, although its getting not as fantastic, so yeah. Waiting for September 20th! Graduation is on the cards this season though. I wonder how the writers are going to tackle this.

Discovered the joy that comes with reading a collection of slightly amusing and relatively insulting. Of course, its usually in jest, but there are some things mentioned that are so relevent to our circumstances that I cannot help but wonder at how much of the article was actually written in jest. The thing I believe in is that inspiration does not emerge from a void. No, we are not God. If there is something that I realise, creativity stems from boredom with the current state of things. Creativity comes from adventure. And very often, it is based on something near and dear. Outrageous lies are too outrageous to be kept up and expanded into full articles. Voice of experience.

Anyway, the next post will be what I want to circulate. Its from Thought Catalog, so please enjoy.

"The older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means."

Blur

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Second week of school and things are falling into the usual term pattern. Its all waking in time to go to school, doing my best to pay attention and learn in class and rushing around for cheer. Busy as a bee and bored three thousand ways to hell. Yeah. Welcome back to reality, normality and inertia. Days drag past, and I desperately seek new markers to count the passing of time. As if everything melds into one, where waking and sleeping seems to blend into each other. I can barely remember what I did yesterday because yesterday feels like now and last week feels like a blur of emptiness.

No I am not being 'emo'. Just remarking on the very unremarkable nature of daily life after the excitement of BSM in New York and Montreal, holidays in New York and Taiwan and that brief adventure called JENESYS. As if I am still in a dream when I should be back in reality. Daily life is a blur, broken by certain jarring moments, but its as if its not 'real' enough to awaken me, and I soon fall back into m semi-zombie state yet again. Not certain if this is a blessing or a curse, but I am effectively blocking out ceryain worries? Everything I do now is short term in nature. Nothing much past 2 weeks. No real plans for September or October. Which means I am still in holiday mode. Ho hum.

As you can see, my life lacks excitement. So I am kinda on a look out for new things to try and do? I am actually rather worried about my gypsy nature. Travelling around, always eager for new things and never really commiting full scale... I foresee a lot of potential problems? Yeah, I have learnt a lot from my various experiences, but I think I have little staying power? As if I am not sufficiently dedicated. I do not think I have this problem with people, but with things in life... Not sure if this affliction will spread to the other parts of my life. I think its already bad enough that I cannot settle down on one activity... Then again it might be because I feel bored in my CCA? Hmm. I wonder...

Short post, because I am being distracted by my Accounting homework and Gackt. HAHA. Or if you prefer, its about time this distraction of blogging while doing work was put to an end? I must admit that it has been a while since I have listened to songs by Gackt, so its a nice change to hear him. Crazy guy with a good voice. Too bad he seems to be getting lazier recently and is mainly just releasing remixes of his older songs. Not sure about his other fans, but I personally dislike artistes who constantly do nothing but release remixes in the hopes of earning money the 'easy' way. One new song, a remix of an old song, one off vocal version of both does not qualify as a single. I know this is the business model adopted by many artistes, but in this modern age, I think I would prefer something like 2 new songs per single at least? Indeed, its called a single, but at least reward the hardcore fans who purchase your CDs in this digital age of ripping music? Albums may now be a dying trend, but for many of us fans, we still like holding the CD booklet and staring at the pretty artwork? Of course I am assuming the artistes put effort into the CD? This is something the Japanese could learn from their Korean counterparts. Make the CD something so gorgeous your fans MUST buy it. Or follow the AKB voting method. 10,000 CDs bought by one hardcore fan. Insanity.

I'd like it if singles included the PVs too? I try to support the artiste by watching on YouTube as many times as humanely possible? it is super tempting to rip it off the internet, but I do feel guilty if I don't support my favourites. I mean what kind of nasty fan would just continuously rip music off the internet? Not like it is THAT expensive to buy albums off iTunes or Amazon. The full 2NE1 new album costs something like USD$2 per track? Full album for USD$8. Sure, I am mighty sad that I cannot admire their pretty CD booklets, but for poorer people, I think around ten bucks is decent. Its just one less dinner outside in a proper eating place. Eat home packed food for 2 days and it covers the music you will enjoy for about a month. Hey, artistes need to eat too?

Ok, this turned into some mightier than thou rant. Sorry! I must admit to my own misdeavours too, but if possible, I really believe in supporting the artistes? If not possible... Well official YouTube Channel gives them revenue too? If still not possible, well. I'm sorry but yeah. Life interferes I know.

"もし生まれかわれるなら...この声の少女のように ... 歌声で人を救えるような... 存在になりたいと思うんだ..."

Sinking

Playlist

Don't Stop The Music by 2NE1

I look ahead, and all I see is darkness. Really. Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but too much rests on this ONE day. If things are not satisfactory, we can just stop doing this and all go home. And I would not even have a last stage.

How many times have I truly been in a routine? I think only once. Yeah, there were plenty of unforeseen circumstances which made it such that I am more of an administrative person than a performer. But I love the stage? For the stage, I can work hours every single day, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I complain, deep in my heart, I still go back primarily because I love the stage. So many of them are tired of competing. Maybe its because they always had that expectation weighing down on them, and after a huge failure, going back to where they were becomes a psychological barrier. Personally I am not too sure about what the psychologist and psychology students would say, but I know there is that tension. The sense that whatever you do will never be able to top your achievements during your glory days and thus, you withdraw with nothing but memories. I can understand this.

Yet, no matter how much I tell myself that they have their reasons, I cannot help but feel that they are being a wimp and a coward for running away. Yes, this is not a lifetime commitment, but you've managed to come so far. Why not work a little bit harder and go that bit more to attain excellence? Then again, who am I to dictate how people live their lives? 

I should stop being so emotional. I hate saying goodbye to people. I'd rather people hate me, and I leave first, because I don't want to make people sad that I leave. Which might have been a good reason to go to Waseda. Just leave in 2 weeks and everything is settled. I won't have to deal with all the teething issues. Running away does not solve the problem, but at least you don't have to deal with it... But no. I am far too goody two shoes to ever do that. Far too 'responsible' to ever do what I want to do, instead of what people expect me to do. Far too stupid to aggressive bulldoze my way through. Far too 'innocent' to blackmail people into doing what I want them to do. Sigh. Its too late now anyway. Dreaming for a rock to descend from the sky and knock some sense into them is but a dream that belongs in the realm of sleep...

People always say that they dislike supervisors hovering over them all the time. But the thing is, how many people are responsible enough to perform their tasks without someone hovering over them? Honestly I dislike chasing people for work. I'd like to delegate, and let things go on as per normal. Yet what I realise is that people don't do things unless you remind them every single step of the way, and you hound them every step of the way to get a scrap of work done. Its impossible to take everything on because I am not a superwoman and contrary to popular belief, I do not have 30 hours in a day. I happen to have a social life outside of school as well, unlike the previous presidents, so I need all the help I can get. I delegate work, give a deadline, and expect them, like responible adults, to sort things out on their own. And somehow? It descends into childish bitching and tantrum throwing. Nothing gets done, everyone is annoyed, workload accumulates, stress levels rise and KABOOM. Trouble.

If you feel thta this post has been nothing but downright depresisng, I sincerely apologise. I guess this is more of a phase of resignation rather than depression, because while I do feel slightly sad, it is something that I have accepted as the reality I need to face and am taking measures to deal with it. I wonder why I am so emotionally attached to my club, but I suppose I will just do my own thing and in the worst case scenario? Join another club. I have another club waiting for me, and even though it seems pretty unstable at the moment, I think it might be an interesting experience. Cheerleading is great, but we can do anything if three quarters of the members will leave by December. If the turn out is bad... well, it might just be the signal to leave this crumbling ship and seek another ride for the next few years.

"The first, and ultimate, sign of maturity, is knowing who you are."

Ugly

Playlist


Ugly by 2NE1


New 2NE1 album! Superb songs and wonderful music videos. Its strange, but I have never gotten bored of 2NE1? They have been around for more than 2 years and I have been following them from shortly after their debut... I think I discovered them from Can't Nobody? Not sure... Its been quite a while... And Bommie has always been my favourite? She is so funny and cute. Not the prettiest person, but definitely one of those with the most personality. If you want some decent Korean songs, I highly recommend 2NE1. They actually SING!~


Anyway, this song often makes me feel sad. Perhaps it is due to the sad lyrics, but I guess I'm in one of my down moods. Not sure, but I think the weight of my CCA and the fact that I can't run away is hitting me really hard. As you might recall, I was supposed to head to Waseda for a one year academic break... But some things cropped up and it is no longer possible. The story is pretty short but pretty ugly so I'm not going to say it here. Just know that I am not going, and don't be relentless in asking for an explanation. Maybe in a bit, when I can finally learn to be optimistic again. My only chance and I blew it. A four year dream gone down the drain because of some small stupid things. If you think I'm stupid, I probably think so at a much greater intensity than you. So don't worry, I'm already killing myself about this missed opportunity. 


So I cannot leave. I cannot get away. Its like being told you would be allowed to leave prison for a short vacation, and you've been looking forward to it for 4 years and then WHAM. Too bad. Your prison stay was extended. Indefinitely. Tell me how happy can I possibly be? You may think I'm lucky for always travelling out of the country, but I don't see it as luck. Its a necessity. I cannot stay here much longer, because my brain is going bersek. The stress builds up and there is no way to run. Yeah, sure, you may suggest that everyone is in as much stress as me, and that I might as well face the music and grow up 'cause stress is something that I can never escape from. Well, firstly, I'm not you or anyone else for that matter. I'm myself and I deal with stress differently. If i'm a failure as a student and an adult so be it. I cannot be bothered. Whats the worst that could happen at the end of the day? i could just die. Its not like I'm some great civilizing influence or irreplaceable. I am very much replaceable. Then what about my family, you may ask? Well, if they cannot come to terms with the fact that I'm not 'everyone else', forget it. We just happen to share the same roof. I'll leave when I can, because I know I'm not wanted.


School term is about to begin. Supposed to be difficult and torturous, but then again, every semester has been like this since a while back. Time seems to fly in school, but I know how very lengthy and painful it can be when it hits somewhere around the 10th week of school.  Where every morning you have to wake up to go to school is arduous, and travelling to school is excruciating, and sitting through class is suffocating, and project work is like walking across hot coals. Life is hell, and the only thing going through your head is how to make things better. When you start planning holidays to take the edge off things, when you  train like an insane idiot because its the only time when your brain is empty. Yeah. School is torture and regardless of what people say, I think I will always feel this way. I actually used to like school? Nowadays, classes are a huge bore and I feel as though I'm just going through the motions called the pursuit of academic excellence. Meaningless.


Emo phase now. I should stop complaining and just suck it up like an adult yeah? Really wondering what kind of career path I can take at this rate. I need something that does not make me feel as though I'm just shoveling water out of a sinking ship. Exercise in futility. Maybe my life is really that meaningless. Or maybe life in general is that meaningless.


Oh God, please give my life meaning. Please give me a reason to continue my human faculties. I don't want to be a drone, eating and sleeping and going to school only because i was programmed to...


"Just like her I wanna be pretty... Don't lie to my face, telling me I'm pretty... Cause I know I'm ugly."

Home

Playlist 

I Think You Know by TVXQ

I"m back home! Finally home after about 3 months overseas. Its good to be back? I missed my bed and my room and the kaya in my fridge. Its good to see my family again, and to go back to a place which will alwasy be waiting for you. Unpacked my bags and realised I brought way too much clothing for Japan. Should have packed more of my dresses and less separates. Easier to match and takes up less space. And totally should not have listened to them. Bringing formal wear takes up too much space. I could have brought a pair of boots if I wanted...

Singapore is much easier to live in than Japan? Trainsportation and food is crazy expensive. Not too sure about housing but from what I can tell, it is comparable to local levels. Perhaps it was a good thing that I declined Waseda. I mean, yes, last opportunity to go on exchange as a student, but I feel that sucking my parents dry to have fun is not necessarily the best course of action. So yeah, maybe it was the guilt that made me decline. But I think that if I was truly passionate about it, I would have forged ahead without a care. The fact that I did not just goes to show that I was not prepared to go there for a year. Not like Tokyo is THAT interesting.

JENESYS was fun. Met a lot of people that I would not have had the opportunity to meet if I had spent my days in Singapore. Spoke quite a bit of Japanese, and I am convinced that I would like to continue learning the language. Of course, I need to do a lot more work, but I think I should be fine if I work a little bit harder and put in more effort. That is mainly what is lacking...

Wanted to say a lot of things, but now that I look back at the time spent, a lot of the stuff that I felt were major turning points seem to be nothing but minor bumps in the road. Not so important that I should go on and on about what happened. And I realised that we always tend to put down negative thoughts? I should pen more positive things. Not sure why, but I sometimes get the feeling that people are trying to boast if they talk about good stuff? As if somewhere along the way, it became a crime to be happy. So to try and make things happy, I'm going to talk about all the wonderful people I met in JENESYS!

First things first, everyone I get along with are nice people. I have no idea why, ok, maybe I do and I think its because I am such a demanding person, that the only people who can get along well with me are people who are rather tolerant of others. Either that or they are kinda strange people too. Well, however things may be, I need to thank them for travelling with me, laughing with me, waking me up in the morning for breakfast... Yeah, we were a pretty bonded group, enjoying the dizzying heights on the seventeen floor. Made a LOT of noise, partied a bit, bitched a lot... I think we became friends because these were the people without cultural differences. If there is one thing that I have realised, people are very cruel to those who insult their culture. Fundamental difference between two individuals, and ignorance is a poor excuse for being rude and disrespectful.

Was supposed to type a lot more, but I think I lost the flow of the entire post. Shall end here... Hopefully inspiration strikes and I go into more detail about the trip.

"It is often the things we cannot see that shape the person we become."

Asakusa

Playlist

Random typing/clicking

Using a computer other then my own is kinda tough. Superbly unused to the keyboard and the font and everything. On top of that it has been ages since I last used a desktop PC so things are kinda weird. 

Anyhow, this will be a super short post because a) Using computer in the hostel as mentioned above, b) I am superbly tired because I had very little sleep last night as I took the night bus to Tokyo and c) Not sure what to type here? Yes, I am in Tokyo. Yes, I left Osaka. Yes, I will return to Osaka soon and yes, I will return home soon. I really miss you guys, no matter how little you have missed me, and I am definitely anticipating my return home. The first thing I will do when I go back would probably be to complain how hot and humid it is. And then I will look for Winter HAHA. My room had better be EMPTY and CLEAN my dear baby brother or I shall KILL YOU!

Hmm... Everyone has been asking me about the trip and after 5.5 weeks in Japan, mostly spent in class at the Centre, I think I can give you an answer? Japan has been everything I expected and some more and less. A good thing and a bad thing, because while I would dearly love to return again, I cannot see myself heading to neither Osaka nor Tokyo in the near future. I've been out, here and there and nowhere and also everywhere. Maybe I have had an overdose of Japan on my first visit, but I really think that Japan is kinda boring after a while? Things get so predictable and there isn't any real stimulation? Temple after temple with a few shrines thrown in for good measure. Everything is lined straight and clean and its just so... Japanese. Not that a mess is preferred, but after NY? It feels strange...

Quite tired because I spent most of the night trying to find a comfortable position to sleep on the bus. I think I successfully managed something like four to six hours, which is pretty decent. The recline was about 50 degrees, which was a great help? Quite a lot of legroom too. Even had a blanket to hug to sleep HAHA. Anyway we arrived in Shinjuku at around 6am? Crazy early for me to be walking about with a 4kg bag. Found a toilet, utterly disgusting and on par with some of the worst toilets I have seen; who says Japan has no dirty toilets OMG, cleaned up, and then proceeded to have breakfast at Starbucks to make myself feel better in the morning. The portion was tiny, so we went to Family Mart to get some onigiri... After that I trained to Asakusa to deposit my luggage with the hostel. My first train station was from Shinjuku, which was a nightmare. So many different trains going in so many different directions and so many people everywhere and so many signs and so many colours and OMG I just wanted to die. I have no idea how I got to Asakusa but I did. HURHUR. I had planned to make  trip to the East Imperial Gardens in the morning, but my bag was far too heavy to lug around, so I gave in and just went to the hostel. Not like coin lockers in Tokyo are cheap...

Anyway, ended up not going to the Imperial Palace Gardens first because I was kinda tired, and instead walked to the Kannon Temple. The number of tourists there is freaky. Its such a huge tourist trap! If I had come to Tokyo before walking around in Osaka for the past month, I would have probably been hoodwinked by them. As things were, the visit was very fast since I was not sidelined by other distractions. From there I went to a craft museum in this secluded part of the city, had lunch at Matsuya, beef don again, and went shopping. Bought shorts for my mum, magazine for a friend's sister and then proceeded to be a stupid idiot and went to the Imperial Gardens.

Why am I a stupid idiot? Because the gardens were a huge BORE and there was not enough shade and there were slopes everywhere with nothing too exciting to see and I WAS TIRED. I assure you that the Gardens are not worth getting tanned for. Anyway I hastily got out of there and, yes I wasted my money commuting around like a dumbo in a country that has such EXPENSIVE transportation, and went back to Asakusa. By then... I was tired, stinky, superbly dehydrated, hungry and dying to hide in some shade. Gave up and went a hunting for a cheap bottle of isotonic drink. After that I went into 7Eleven and promptly bought 2 bento sets as my dinner and 2litres of water. Was happy to receive a bottle of lemon tea thanks to some Tohoshinki X 7Eleven promotion that was being held. THANK YOU TOHO~ Walked back to my hostel, checked in, carted 3kg of food and a 5kg bag and my heavy tote bag up four flights of stairs. I think I am awesome HAHA. Unpacked, ate, showered, chilled a bit and now here I am typing this short post that has miraculously expanded far beyond what I had planned to type.

Anyway, I have been drinking a lot of water, so don't worry about me? And as you can tell, I am avoiding about half the mischief that the world can possibly get into by staying in my hostel after 6pm? Not sure if I will repeat this experience tomorrow but I promise to be cautious. This city is no where as friendly as Osaka, although I did meet a nice lady who taught me how to get to Asakusa. Seems like it is the norm in Tokyo to stare at the Metropolitan map for ages. Even the local Japanese people do that. Maybe figuring out the cheapest route to wherever they are headed? Can totally understand why.

Rooming in a eight person mixed dorm with 4 other people from JENESYS. Other than 2 girls, all of us seem to have different plans all the time. So yes, I am soloing Tokyo. Its fun to do things your way, but its not fun when you cannot share your experiences with others... Oh well, win some lose some. Not much time left because I will be flying back to home on Wednesday morning. Should reach Changi late afternoon to evening. I expect the flight to be rather enjoyable because its gonna be noise personified. Not like they can throw us off the plane HAHA. Just slightly worried about luggage but I think I should be fine if SQ closes one eye? Have to cart books and boxes of food back so things are likely to be on the heavy side. Will have to see how things go...

Okay, this is seriously way too long! Nights world. Should leave because there seems to be this crazy woman resident trying to troubleshoot a spoilt computer and she keeps swearing. Thing is there is an available, functional computer next to her? Does not understand.

"Perhaps there were no differences to begin with. All a matter of perception..."

Shirahama

Playlist

Numb by Linkin Park

Superbly emotional and angsty song for someone so happy, but I felt that there was a need to revisit my old songs. Wanted to go sing karaoke with the gals from our floor but... Yeah some other people got there first. Really annoyed with some of the people from the programme. I know I sound mean and racist, but I cannot help but classify them according to their country? I bet they think that all Singaporeans are noisy and annoying too. Shall not blame them, but come on, I'm entitled to a bit of bitching for all the shit that I've had to bear with for the past 5 weeks. Call me two faced, but I try to maintain good relationships with people that I need to work with? Even if I hate your guts, I'd be nice until I really don't need you anymore? And your utility just expried along with the last presenatation? From now on you are nothing more than trash to me. Someone who gets in the way of me playing with the people I like at the places I like.

OH! I need to talk about Shirahama! Superbly hot. It was beautiful in this really natural way? Clean beaches, cliffs and various rock formations. And I find that soaking myself in the onsen seems to make my knee feel better? Perhaps the hot water numbs the pain; not too sure, but it has hurt less since I returned from soaking in 2 different onsens in Shirahama. Yeah, I must be crazy to head to a beach resort to soak in onsens in summer but hey, how often do you get an opportunity like this? The thing about Shirahama is that there is actually very little truly useful English information available on the Internet, so if you want to head there and need assisstance, do feel free to contact me? Always willing to help more people enjoy the place. 

Not many foreigners in Shirahama, although there are English signs once you get there. Its predominantly a Japanese tourist spot, so expect things to be expensive and English information to be scarce. There are buses that traverse the whole of Shirahama, and a pass is not too expensive if you are not inclined to track around in the blazing hot sun up and down slopes. An umbrella, plenty of water and sunblock are probably your best friends? Sunglasses help but if you don't want an uneven face tan, I would recommend a sun umbrella. Train ride, I took the local train, was rather long and we had to change trains 4 times. Not easy if you don't have access to the train schedules and can't read Japanese. Its times like this where I am glad I have a pretty decent command of kanji and a good sense of direction. Superbly easy to get lost along the way, or waste time by boarding the wrong train at the various stations.

Once you are at Shirahama, it is all sun, sand and sea. I would reccomend a more reputable hotel if you want awesome seafood for meals and an unrivalled view of the sea. Otherwise, a small minshoku would provide you with breakfast and a public bath on top of a super comfy Japanese tatami room with facilities. I chose the more economical route and had fun, so if you alright with hunting for your meals and walking a bit more to reach your hotel, its quite fun to pick a less popular hotel. Shops in Shirahama close pretty early as many people chose to eat in their hotels or go home (most are here only for a day trip as it really is a pretty small place), so nightlife is pretty much absent. Not much shopping either, so I think its prefect for a weekend getaway? Nothing more than that though.

Something surprising about Japan would be that the check in time is 3pm and the checkout time is usually 10am. Unlike the rest of the world that allows you to check in at 2pm and check out at 12pm, you really need to get up early even if you were up most of the night drinking. Otherwise, just follow most of the basic manners and you'll be fine even your Japanese is pathetic. The only thing that annoyed me was the banner. You know how ryokans will write down the names of the people who are staying over that night and hang it out at the front door? Because I booked with my gaijin name, I didnt get one of those. Which is superbly racist, but who am I to judge? After all I did not even give my credit card number, and there was no way they would have known if I would be a no show. Sigh. Nevertheless, it would have been nice if they had put it up. I would have recommended my place if they had, but because they did not... Well... I shall leave it to you guys to decide if you want discriminatory service.

Heading to Hiroshima tomorrow and I have no idea how I should pack. Thing is that I will also be going to Tokyo, leaving sometime around 7pm on Friday, so I am unsure of what I should bring along. Right now, Tokyo is a HUGE question mark. All I know is that I want to go to the Imperial Garden, head over to Ikebokuro to see if I can get some shopping done, see people in Harajuku and Shibuya and while my time away in quaint areas. Which might be a problem, because Osaka is known for the culture and stuff? It would be easier to while time away in Kyoto actually? Kind of regretting my decision to head to Tokyo now. It might have been fun to go to Kyoto once more and do more artsy stuff? Or look for Ura Umeda and do some more shopping. It is embarrassing, but I think I got caught up in all the hype and did not really think about what I would be doing and all that...

Sigh, we all do stupid things now and then. I really hope this would not be my stupidest thing? Because it would really be horrible if things do not work out. Shall I just hope for the best? Not much I can do now... Unless I manage to find someone who is willing to swap with me and take my place to Tokyo? Sighs.

Shall go pack my bag now. I sincerely hope that Hiroshima does not turn into a fabulous blazing disaster of epic proportions.

"You are the result of the choices you make."

Demon

Playlist

Before You Go by TVXQ

So many annoying things happened today. To begin with, there was the case of the lazy group mate who likes to order people around while slacking. There was the case of the stupid camwhoring bitches in my gym. The karaoke crashing bitch who stuck to me and stole my songs. And then there was the case of the parent who, while complaining that my trips overseas are expensive, told me to take the Shinkansen to Tokyo. I am not a patient person. I have a very low tolerance for irritating people. I mean, there is only so much that you can overlook as ignorance, jokes and culturally differences. And the thing about people is that, no matter where you go, the type of people that you encounter is about the same? There will always be unreasonable people, no mater race, religion or creed.

My knee hurts. I think I have been doing too many lunges and jumping jacks. Remember my old knee injury? Well, it has come back to haunt me, and at a time where I don't have a knee guard to wear to make things better? Sighs. I need to put less weight on my knees. I should lose weight to make my knees have an easier job. And that will mean that I need to change my diet because I am currently injured and unable to head out to run nor gym much. Sighs. It never rains but pours.

I need a break from studying. Like a proper break to go and play and not think about anything academic related. Its quite scary how I have so little self confidence now? I used to be the person who was always sure about how things would proceed, or at the very least, knew what she was capable of. Now? I feel as if I have lost sight of what I was looking for, and am now wandering around in the darkness. Its strange. I think it started in New York and became worse? Surrounded with too many awesome people and forced to take more onto my plate than necessary because you need to outdo the others. Why do you need to outdo people? Because you were taught to do so. Because no matter what others say about taking a break, you know full well that if you do, the insults and complains will definitely come hard and fast. Because you know that you are nothing but mediocre in a sea of talented people, and you do your best to hide this fact. And the weight of hiding your weaknesses kill you after a while.

Some say that being an adult means that you know how to deal with stress. But from what I see, it is just the people who gave up and resigned themselves who say this. It is the people who have people to rely who can afford to say this. Who will I rely on? Who can I rely on? No one. The answer is there, always there, painfully placed right in front of you in case you ever dare to forget that you are nothing but a useless piece of carbon dioxide producing trash. Everyday you are reminded of how little you are worth, how little people think of you, how little you matter to people. I know Asians tend to be less vocal about favour, but to the extent that you will probably never hear anything? Seriously painful. They say I should know. They say I should be able to infer. But it sounds like excuses. It sounds like an excuse to put me down because you are afraid that I will stand out. It sounds like an excuse for you to refuse to see me as an adult capable of making logical decisions. It sounds like lies you tell to yourself to make yourself to feel better, and you are trying to force me into your sense of reality.

Now that I think about it, the turning point must have been when she said that I would never be important. No matter what she tells me now, it cannot detract from that statement made that night in the darkness. People say that things said ina fit of anger and sadness are never really accurate, but it doesn't change the fact that I was told that I was told by one of the most important person to me that I was insignificant. In fact I was told I was beyond insignificant. Unforgivable. No matter how much I smile and how much I say I am alright, it is a lie. Hurt so deeply it never shows. Cracks that appear on the surface belie the severity of the situation. Never mentioned. Never discussed. As if it would go away if we pretended that there was nothing to begin with. Ignore all of it and it will resolve itself. Lies. Such lies we tell ourselves. Most hurts go away, but things like this never ever leave you. It changes how you see the world, changes how you react, changes what you are. Which might be why I am so afraid of loving people. Which might be why I hightail the moment someone says they love me. Don't give me hopes just to dash them on the ground.

Demons from the past rearing their ugly heads to torment me...

"I just want to run away and never look back. Wash away these memories so I can start anew."

Waiting

Playlist

I Don't Know - TVXQ

Wow. I actually really like Tohoshinki. Or TVXQ. Whatever you want to call them. I like the two-man team thank you very much. I know the old school fans of TVXQ are probably screaming at me for this, but I think 5 people performing in a team definitely means someone gets overshadowed at any point in time. And SME is nothing like YG where different songs feature different people and where each person is encouraged to do their own album anytime? So yeah. I like ChangMin and YunHo. Not such a big fan of Junsu and the rest so... Yeah. TVXQ~ Cannot wait for their new single.Its released on the very day that I leave for Japan though so I think I can forget about getting it here? Oh well. The Interent is amazing.

Heading to Shirahama for the beach and the onsens this Saturday. Will be back on Sunday? Going to Hiroshima with the school next Wednesday and will be back on Thursday. Going to Tokyo on the night bus on Friday night and will return to the centre for class on Tuesday. Flying off for Singapore on Wednesday. I need to start packing my things... Not like I have a lot of things so I should be fine... I hope? Already came with an overweight bag so I doubt things will change that much? Just adding a few more sets of clothing, one pair of shoes and a lot more books. If I don't buy much in Tokyo, Shirahama and Hiroshima, I think I should have no problems at all. Been living out of a suitcase for something like 3months so things become much easier...

Glad that I will be leaving soon. There are a few people who have been getting on my nerves, and even though I am making friends with other people, it is rather difficult to counter the annoyance I feel. Just going to grin and bear with it until next Tuesday, which is my final presentation. After that, the gloves are off and I'm game for whatever nonsense you can throw at me. I can make your life miserable if I wanted to? Its just that considering the welfare of the people I like who have to see your face and work with you... I will be nice on their behalf so that things don't get out of hand. So yes. Until then I need to keep my cool...

Been running out of things to do. I think I miss home? Singapore is boring, but its boring in a familiar way? Holidays are nice, but you want to go home because that is where your bed and pillow is. It is where you have a cupboard full of clothes, and where all your posters and books are. Its where you have little nooks and crannies to keep your trinkets, where you discover long lost things which you accidentally stuffed away. A hotel room couldn't be like this. Its a place that has memories attached, and where you will be unwelcomed. Its a place where you can be yourself, without make up, without pretty clothes and feel comfortable. Its home. Family helps. Pets help. But I think it is the acceptance. Somewhere to really call your own for all time. Its is a beautiful experience.

Been working out quite a bit since I decided on going to Shirahama for a trip. Can you imagine showing people my flabby body? So I've been gyming everyday. I know it is nearly impossible to make me cut down on my food intake and diet properly, so more exercise is the only way around it? I hardly expand any energy in Japan so its rather difficult? I sit for about 6 hours a day in class and the distance between buildings and classrooms are negligible. Just a short 30 second walk away. Which is why I need to work harder to remove the fats. I've already put on a scary 5kg so I need to work out more. Thing is, my knee hurts. Old injury from last year. So I'm not too sure how I will proceed? Abs are easy? Its the thighs that are my trouble spot. Arms are fine because of my build? Sighs. I need to lose the excess weight fast... Don't want to be a fat pig on the beach...

Tired. Been only getting an average of 5 hours of sleep every night and things get even worse on the weekends because I wake up early to head to town. Oh wells. I should try to sleep earlier? I know it should clear my eyebags and improve my complexion. Eyes tire easily at night too. I should rest when given the opportunity. Will surely suffer again when the stupid school term starts once more. I want to go on LOA. No real mood to study because everything seems annoying. Yeah, I am just tired, been studying for too long. I think I need an extended break. Will have to see how things go after this...

I want to wait for you every night, but I am tired of feeling like I'm waiting for divine interjection for us to interact. I want to talk to you and make you laugh, but it feels like you cannot be bothered with me. Perhaps I am just being too sensitive, but honestly? It feels as if I am not important enough for you to speak to me every two days? I think I have only spoken to you, properly, twice in these 5 weeks. I'm not sure about you, but I think its hard to communicate if I have to stuff everything that I want to say into a few hours. I'm not angry, just disappointed?

"疑心暗鬼の華は咲くたからかに/渡る世は鬼ばかり/きぐれにみを任せる/ぎんと幕と春びように"

Saddening

Playlist

Strong Baby by Seung Ri

Went for the home visit after visiting the primary school. Was pretty fun? I think the host family was a very typical family, so there were no unpleasant shocks nor sweet surprises? I guess things work that way? Things just average out after a while. Visited their home, which was timy, and then they brought us to the aquarium. While I am not one who likes looking at animals swimming aimlessly around dirty tanks and doing inane things to beg for food, I must admit that it was pretty good. A large variety of animals, but they all seem... So lonely? maybe it was a sympathetic background. Maybe they really are. I would never know, but I think it was rather sad. Screaming kids and adults slamming on your already tiny cage. Doing tricks to earn your meals. If it were me, I might have commited suicide to get away from the humiliation...

Oh well I should not continue on this very sombre topic. Not a place to dicuss this kind of things. One sided rambling about the welfare of animals is something only people with a crazy excess of time would do. I guess I am beginning to look forward to going home? Honestly I am rather bored of Japan. I know there are a lot of things to do and see, but somehow, it feels as if I am in a more beautiful version of Singapore. Without the conveniences and costing an arm and a leg. Yeah, hardly fun if you know what I am talking about. Somehow, the temples are overhyped and the food is not as great as expected, the people are decent but language is really a stumbling block and the workload is insane enough that you probably spend most of your hours in your room practicing speeches and writing reflections. If there is one thing I feel is stupid, is how reflections are done every 2 weeks. 2 weeks is barely enough to have any in depth understanding of anything? And the best part is how the Japanese people are not the most open people and writing negative comments is frowned upon? Ridiculous.

Not that I hate this country? In fact, I love how I blend in so well with everyone and can get away as long as I don't open my mouth too much. I love how I can badmouth people in relative safety and how they are awed by how I can speak more than one language. The food is predictable, the weather is predictable... Public transportation is forever punctual? I think this is an awesome place to holiday. Just a bit expensive... But still awesome. I would not stay here though?

Heading to Tokyo next weekend. This weekend is Wakayama's Shirahama and Hiroshima has a brief visit next Wednesday after the final presentation is done. Tokyo is a 3day 3night affair on an overnight bus there and back with a stay in a dormitory with the other students. After a 6 person dorm in Montreal, I am kind of prepared for a lack of space and chargers in the dorm... Oh well, part and parcel of travelling as a student. Would probably join the Malaysians for the betetr part of the trip though? There are some annoying people here and there who I just cannot travel with. In the 2 hours before I sleep and after I wake are fine but anything mroe than that will be slightly painful? Don't worry, I will do my utmost best to be a reasonable person.

Not going to Waseda. I hate that I am not rich enough to just go on a drop of my hat. If my family was well to do, I would have gone there to play to my heart's content. So yeah, I just bid for my course for the next semester. Will probably be soloing most of the classes which is going to be abject torture, but I think it is necessary. I am becoming too reliant on other people for my grades and am no longer putting in enough effort to study. I know I am not stupid, but I feel that I lack motivation to hit the books. If you think about, I must be crazy brilliant if I scrape by with a C grade when I spend something like only 2 hours a week on a partiucular subject if I hate it? CAN YOU IMAGINE? If I like the subject, I usually do pretty well if I act on it... And if stupid teachers don't biasedly try to murder me. Sigh. Let us see how bad things get the next semester. Worst case scenario would be to stop all Finance related subjects but I hope to not resort to that. Yeah. Wish me luck...

Running out of things to buy and I feel weird. I really want to go shopping but... There really is nothing that I feel like purchasing? Everyone tells me about how awesome it is to shop in Japan, but I am NOT a fan of tent dresses and baggy clothes? I like my clothes slightly figure hugging or structured; all they have here are baby doll dresses and a ton of shapeless things. I bought way more clothes in New York than here. In a way, Japanese girls are like the richer, better dressed Taiwanese? They like to layer clothing and hide their figure under loose clothing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot help but feel it is because they do not have much of a figure to speak of? Not that my figure is great, but they are skinny? Just skinny. Nothing else? Nice and skinny legs, not much else, but the way their legs turn in is horrible. Too much kneeling I think, which is why many girls, especially the older ladies have slightly deformed legs. Scary stuff.

Sighs. As you can tell, I am running out of things to ramble about. OH. One thing I realised is that Mandarin and English has a very strong influnce on my Japanese. Its as if I am suicidal and I use the hardest Japanese words possible. Its fine in mandarin and English because each word is structured differently and the sounds are different, but Japanese has too many words that utilise the same sound for different things? In Mandarin you'd know by the adjoining words, and in English there is a different word for everything but in Japanese.... Its a nightmare. What I write is supposedly at a pretty high level, but as I cannot really read it and my sentence structures are too complex... Sigh. Uphill struggle to make myself understood by others.

Things are coming to an end... Just 2 more weeks before I head home... I kind of miss everyone. Cannot wait to see the people that I have yet to meet for about 4 months? Some for 6 months... Some even more? Its amazing how time flies by so quickly. Reminder that we were all nothing a while ago, and will become nothing soon...

"Oh tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye..."

Lonely

Playlist

I Am The Best by 2NE1

Yes I am still listening to the same song. So what? I can spam it as many times as I want to make me feel better. In a really shitty mood because 1) I left my phone beghind on the bus back to the Centre and had a full "OMFG-WHAT-THE-HELL-AM-I-GOING-TO-DO" moment, 2) Tired, 3) Some bitch said I'm fat and have the gall to wear clingy clothes, 4) Workload is increasing.

Don't worry, I will probably get my phone back within the next few days. Tomorrow at the earliest and Monday at the lateste. The bus driver found it and will mail it to me, but my concern is that it will probably cost a bomb. But nevertheless, it will not be as expensive as replacing my phone so I am not complaining. I am just superbly annoyed at how stupid I can be to drop my phone on the floor and not check. IDIOT.

I'm tired because I'm by myself. Remember I mentioned something about how I am perfectly social and anti-social? Well, I've sort of maxed out my anti-social meter and am in dire need of a social life to balance things out? Because all I seem to do is study and surface acting? I have yet to meet someone I can really speak to? Maybe I am not trying hard enough to make friends and be friendly. Maybe I am not being considerate of other people. Maybe I am just being emotional for no good reason, but I think it might be because I am not getting out enough. USA was all out and no in time. SG was similar as I was ill and could barely meet my friends. And now in Japan as well? I think I might be going crazy from loneliness. Does not help that my song collection is stagnating and I feel as if I'm trapped in a cage, only able to look out at everyone fly away and leave me behind. I know, you might feel that I'm the one flying away in reality, but all I can say is that I feel left behind. Abandoned by people. Strange how my emotions do not parallel my reality.

And there was this girl who said that I am a fat bitch who is shameless enough to wear body hugging clothes. I must admit that I am not as slim as most of the Japanese girls here, and definitely not as fair and pretty as them. Nevertheless I do not think that my body size warrants a 'fat' label? Not yet anyway. But I am annoyed because I know I have been slacking on my exercise regiment. It has whittled down to a pathetic once a week because I am too lazy to go out and run more often. I complain about the sun, complain about my work load, and I know that the sun will not stop being bloddy intense and the workload will not decrease. And I think the lack of exercise is contributing to my emotional turmoil. I need to hit the pavements so hard and so long that my body collapses. I need to gym until I cannot get out of bed because my muscles are scraming. Yes I am escaping by drowning myself in physical exertion. Yes I am punishing myself so my brain stops thinking about the hundred and one disasters that seem posed to occur at any point in time. Yes I need to rethink what I am doing.

Japanese teacher told me to write parts of my speech in English. Administrative staff asked if I wanted to speak in English to her. Teachers stare at me as if I am speaking a foreign language. I cannot even communicate with primary school kids. Utter failure. I am superbly disappointed with myself. I feel embarassed at times, and it is so annoying that I have to keep asking people what certain words mean, after every single sentence. I have no idea how some of them have such excellent grammar. Maybe I should give up on this language. The amazing thing is that this is the first time that this thought has ocurred to me in my 2 years studying. Never have I wanted to give up, no matter how difficult it was. And now? Whenever someone says that my language is good, I cannot even be bothered to deny it because I know it is wrong. My language is pathetic if I cannot even form simple sentences to communicate basic ideas. Failure.

Cried the other day. Cried as I corrected my speech. Cried as I Skyped my friends. Cried as I sorted my laundry. No one around to watch me. No one around to judge. No one around to comfort. The only thing I can say is that things become rather meaningless after a while. I think I need to reignite my motivation. I was really living for the next Cosplay event, for the next photoshoot. And now? I have nothing. Dragging my feet through this life in the hopes I find something before it ends. I know I am loved, but somehow it hurts to know that I am not loved the most? I am such a greedy and ungrateful girl. But how can I convince my heart to hurt less? How can I convince my heart not to be lonely? Do I drown myself in liquor and parties? Do I lose myself in exercise like I have been trying to do? Tears just behind the facade, and the smallest thing will set them off.

I need to become stronger. And I need to lose some of my emotions.

"Out of all the times, why is it that when I’m confronted by love, I shrink away and am lonely endlessly?"

Masquerade

Playlist

I Am The Best by 2NE1

I have come to realise that I really do not like writing about my travelling exploits. I think it is because I am tired of repeating the entire experience all over again after commenting on something like 300 photos on FaceBook. Not that my blog is less important than my FaceBook account, but I think my fingers are tired from all the typing? And I am really bored of saying the same thing over and over again? So yeah, I think other than obscure mentions here and there, you will have to deal with the fact that it will only be on FaceBook. So too bad if you aren't a friend of mine on FaceBook? I assure you I have some pretty good photos. Oh well~

Somehow I seem to have gotten used to living here in Rinku Town? So much so that I get a small shock everytime I think that I will need to go home in 21 days. Not that I dislike home, but this place already seems like home? I keep forgetting that I am in Japan. As if its normal to live out of a suitcase and eat at cafeterias every single day. As if its normal to have my things randomly strewn all over the place? Somehow this seems like my real life? Which is strange because my real life is waiting for me to return back home? My bed is there, my books are there, all my other clothes are there... My family is there, my friends are there? So why do I feel like this is how things should be?

Not sure what I should do with the three day break that I shall get. I feel like travelling, but I kinda do not want to go alone. But I don't want to go with others as well? I think I either need a pet or my head examined. There is something wrong with me... And I am choosing between Tokyo and Kyoto. I know I have yet to spend time in Kyoto properly, but I am inclined to head to Tokyo. Yes, the whole of Japan is cutting down on electricity and all that, but I think there are some places that you have to go? I don't know what to do and I have to start making reservations soon. So many things to decide and I'm lost in my own hazy thoughts.

Waseda just got back to me. Apparently they contacted my exchange officer about a ten days ago, but because she was out of the office, I just found out today. Which kind of stinks, because I just lost 10 days to arrange for the flight and accommodation. And I sort of only have 3days to arrange all these. WOW. I am inclined to just throw in the towel and stay back. Save my money for another trip on another day. But I don't know. So much uncertainty. And the fact that I have yet to make up my mind is a sign that I don't want it that badly? Japan is such an expensive country. I am in Osaka and on a scholarship and yet I feel my wallet screaming. I cannot begin to imagine how awful I will feel if every single cent was from my parents. The most I can do is part time work? Which kind of stinks because the amount you earn is very limited and it detracts from the time you have to study and do other things.

Seems like the more I think, the less I feel inclined to travel to Waseda? Once in a lifetime opportunity and what am I doing? Oh right, wasting it away.

I shall go to bed now because I need to interview university students tomorrow. Annoying and my skin is so awful that I can't even use things with aesthetic appeal to make myself feel better? My clothes have been recycled about 4 times each and I am tired of always wearing the same thing. I want to rummage in my fridge and unearth ice cream. I want to pick up the phone and call my friends. I want to be able to text as I want. I think this is teaching me a lot about myself... And all the ugly things are coming to light. Like how dependent I am on society...

I need to make a decision now. Hopefully everything will be superbly obvious when I wake up in the morning? Its as if I'm stuck in a bad dream masquerading as a sweet dream.

"Go away and stop stalking me..."

Open

Playlist

What Can I Do by SeungRi

Heading to Kyoto and Nara for a total of a four days and three nights? Mainly staying in this business hotel super near Kyoto Station, which I don't think has WiFi so I will probably disappear for a while, before heading to a minshoku in Nara. Its not a full fledged ryokan I think? I shall check it out and get back to you when I return on Saturday. Anyway I am pretty excited about this, because Kyoto is one of those places that I have been dreaming of since I could remember. All the old streets and sweets... I know people say that its a city that is cold to outsiders, but I think I could fall in love with the place and the architecture. The weather forecast warns of rain and thunderstorms, so I shall hope that it stays dry when I am outdoors? Where is my teru teru bouzo when I need it...

Arranged the extension in Nara on my own. And I did my own research on the places that I want to go and the things that I want to to do in Kyoto. Quite annoying to have to keep chasing people left right and centre only for them to enjoy the benefits of your labour. Oh well. I shall do my best to enjoy the experience. I think Nara would be something like a temple hopping trip. Will walk and eat and snap photos. I don't care if they think it is rude in Japan, I shall flaunt my gaijin status and enjoy the city the way I feel it should be enjoyed. As long as it doesn't rain...

Getting quite annoyed with this girl in the course. I know, I'm not an easy person to get along with but I know I'm not the only one who finds her a pain. Serious! I mean, she likes to butt into conversations between other people to inject her two cents worth? And its not like what she says is correct? And she likes to insist that she is right and everyone else is wrong. Shameless. Not like we are from the same clique? I hang out with the other students from SG, the noisy bunch, and I'm okay with some of the gals from Kedah. I'm alright with most of the others, its just mainly her? Trying so hard to be popular. Trying so hard to be liked. I know we all want attention, to a certain degree, but she's awful. Horrible. Made me roll my eyes twice today. Huge accomplishment given how much little I roll my eyes at people. Used to think that it was horribly rude but I can start to understand why people would do such an action. Well, she should get the hostile body language and stay away from me. Otherwise I might shoot her down to gloat. Not a good thing if I have to see her for another four weeks...

I think I am getting slightly better at my script? I sort of gave up on trying to memorise it, it takes far too much effort... Instead I prepared some really pretty slides of SG to show. I think after one hour of speeches, the students would be curling up in agony at us mauling their language, so the least I could to is to improve the visuals and hope for the best. I think it is more natural, but I know I will need to refer to my script. Perhaps I could look up more and establish more eye contact, but... Yeah. The good thing is that it is not graded? Feels a bit weird to work on things that are not graded? But I think there might actually be more pressure this way? Because its all qualitative, and if there is one thing that school has taught me, it is that the qualitative things are the HARDEST to measure. Common sense nyah~

Finishing the apple that I bought from AEON now. Totally forgot about it and I think the apple, no matter how fresh and delicious, would taste awful if I were to leave it in my fridge for a week. Really good and very sweet and crunchy. If I could, I would buy one home to let my family try. Then again, there are so many things that I want my family to try that is only possible if they were to tag along? I shall hope that my parents could come with me. I know my brother would? I would bring my grandparents too... In many ways, Japan is an awesome country to travel to. Although things are expensive, quality is usually decent and the people do try to help you around. I must admit that I realised how little Japanese I know somewhere like the third day of the programme, but I'm trying? Really trying... Hopefully by the end of this I would have reached a level that was impossible previously. I was in a bit of a inertia before this trip and now... Its sort of going away? Seeing so many new things, learning so many new things and being pushed to work more and harder and faster...Its good for me HAHA.

I think I might want to stay alone after I graduate from school. It might be nice to leave my parents and do the things I should be doing on my own? And after hanging out with people who have graduated from university, I think the difference between us would be the approach and values we have? Not that its a good or bad thing, but I think the path opens up on its own. You reap what you sow, and I think I need to sow a LOT more seeds into the ground. Or I might just starve in winter. Sigh. I need to think of an internship. Might have found one, but I'm not sure. Let's see how things go?

See you in a few days! I'll try everything I can, and see everything possible with the limited budget I have~

"Its gonna be better for you to move on..."

Decision

Playlist

Sing by Glee 

So many things happened today. The most startling was the fact that I have gained 5 kilograms. Yes. 5 freaking kilograms. As if I am not fat enough. I am definitely going to do something about my weight. Nothing to drastic like eating one piece of bread per day? Nevertheless I will work out much more. Need to ensure my figure is good enough to cosplay? And I need to keep light for cheer. Otherwise the poor guys who have to carry me will die from my weight. Yeah I can joke and say that it is good training for them but I would be lying to say that it doesn't bother me? Weight is something that has constantly been bothering me since I was in JC. I don't ask to be less than 50kg, but I really do not need to be heavier than 55kg. I am already constantly teethering at the edge of HEAVY. I need to lose the flab.

Anyway, handed in my reflections and had my first speech in Japanese. Not scary because I have made soooo many presentations in school, but I could tell that it was barely decent. Was mostly staring at my script after the middle as my brain went blank. Terrible presentation. I think the content was insufficient? My presenatation was relatively short compared to that of my other classmates. Oh well. I am not going to extend it because I have no confidence... And I am likely to make another 300 mistakes if I were to continue on my own. Ridiculous, but I know my standard isn't there yet. A lot more work required before I can do things on my own.

Oh, we watched a Rakugo in the centre today... Was rather amusing at forst, but it quickly got very tiring. The jokes we all pretty crass and there are some things that differ across cultures so a few things weren't funny. Exaggerated slurping is only funny the first 10 seconds. When it extends to the 4th minute of slurping, it just becomes very tiring and boring. There were a few jokes that I had heard before, and I must admit that I'm not a fan of jokes that includes sabotage? Which makes it hard for me to like jokes in general but yeah. It was always people trying to cheat other people or people being mistreated. Not funny after the first 15minutes. It was a new experience, and the fact that part of it is in English helped me understand more, but seriously? Nothing as impressive as my Kabuki experience back home. Maybe I should go watch a kabuki performance in Kyoto? Not sure if I will udnerstand it without the subtitles, but it might be interesting? And I sort of want to go watch something artsy? So weird to go to the cultural hub of a country and not do anything remotely cultural? And I am superbly annoyed with people who only want to go shopping. Seriously can't we walk around and see the various sights? So many things to do and all you want to do is go back to sleep in the hostel? Ridiculous.

Ok maybe I am being bitchy, but I think I am entitled to do so. Cannot tolerate people who want to do nothing but sit around all day. Not like they are studying, but they want to watch television shows and sleep. All the missed opportunities! OMG just thinking about it makes me want to throw something at them. I need to be more positive. Too much negative energy in me recently. I think after exploring the States and Taiwan, along with my prior trips to Malaysia and Hong Kong, I've sort of become less tolerant of open-minded people, which is such an oxymoron. I'm being stupid about this. Sigh, I ought to be reprimanded.

Not really sure what I want to do so far, but I think I shall plan my way around? Stupid school has yet to tell me anything about where I am going to stay and everything. So hard to arrange... Maybe I should just head to Wakayama for a day trip instead? And use my long weekend to travel... OH YEAH. That might be a good idea HAHA. Sick and tired of constantly wondering why I'm indoors when there are so many cool things to do nearby? Sighs. I shall do my homework and decide on something soonish...

Strangely quiet day for now...

"Is this the place we used to love? / Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"

Across

Playlist

Marry You by Glee Cast

Stayed in most of the day. Was supposed to memorise my script and finish up my homework. Well, I guess on both counts, I sort of failed? Script is only partially memorised. And I sort of gave up on my homework. Of course I did the normal assignment, but I left the memo reflection assignment empty. I have nothing really meaningful to reflect upon anyway? Sigh. I think I'm just being lazy. I know I'm being lazy. But somehow, I am too annoyed to care? I slept in until around noon? Because I went to sleep only at around 230pm after a short drinking session. Not much alcohol, just one miserable can. Was just looking for something to do to while away time. So I only had lunch, came back and slacked a lot watching videos, and then I went cycling, had dinner, cycled back and crammed some more script memorising. Indeed, I am becoming progressively lazier.

Anyway cycling was fun. A bit tiring to go across 2 highways per trip but it was fun? The view was good, the wind was great, I got a bit of exercise and saw a different part of Tajiri-cho... All good. Went to a Japanese mall, AEON. Huge place and the food street is seriously long enough to count as a real street. Had Omu Rice with beef. A bit under 1000yen so it was alright? Good to go out, I feel so exhausted and sick of my room. No wait. I like my room. I just feel trapped in this centre. Maybe I'm not used to the small town feeling that this place gives me. As if no matter what you did, you'd never be able to get out and achieve anything? I only realised SG had that feeling after returning from NY. And apparently, the Osaka that I have seen so far gives me that same feeling? The same places over and over again, even though I have only been here for about 12 days? About one third of the time in Japan is over already....

I can feel my Japanese improving. Immersion really works when the language surrounds you. And I am already cheating by speaking English most of the time? When I am with my course mates anyway. I do my best to speak Japanese in class, but English words inadvertedly slip in because my Japanese is atrocious and I cannot find the right words to express my thoughts. Anyway my Katakana has improved, I'm better at deciphering what people are saying, I can but concepts together faster and I understand more kanji. No matter how much I complain, I must admit that making me write a speech is definitely good for improving my vocabulary and grammar. Staring at a sea of red ink corrections from the teacher is an excellent motication to improve... Of course it only lasts for a while, which is most unfortunate.

Anyway, about cycling here... Its ok I guess? Faster and more open, harder as well. Cycled back in the darkness twice already, once when it was raining. Over highways. On slightly rusty bicycles with rusted bells and bad seats. Great view, and it was fun I must admit. I think I need exercise. Either that or my time of the month is due anytime soon and I am just a bit annoyed due to hormonal imbalance. I hope its hormonal. At least it would pass if its hormonal...And I find it most peculiar that I am discussing this rather personal issue on the web but its fine. Something that afflicts every female mammal on this planet.

Going back to Glee songs. I have no idea how I am suppose to soak up more Japanese if my personal entertainment is mainly in English? Unless its looking at random Japanese shows and videos recommended by people? Which is lacking...

OH YEAH. Randomly remembered why I wanted to blog about today. Its about friendship. It occurred to me while I was speeding through this Korean movie this afternoon. I shall not go into excessive detail because the show was not that fantastic. But it did make me question what I understand by friendship? The main takeaway I had was there should always be communication. Even if the communication borders on excessive details about your personal life? Because the thing is, I find that the moment you say "I shan't say this because it would make them worry." or " I shall hide this because it isn't nice to say." and "This is a minor thing, they don't need to know.", the friendship will definitely have problems. Things like "I need to wait for the right opportunity to say this." and "Its too much for them to handle."... These are poisonous words. After all, where do you draw the line between what is important and what isn't? How do you draw the line between what is right or wrong? And when you keep hiding things and shelving things and telling yourself its ok not to say it... It becomes a reflex to just keep things inside because it isn't 'appropriate', and sooner or later, the silence is going to strain the relationship. 

The thing I oftern hear is, "But I didn't do anything wrong!". Well, my response is that not only did you probably not do anything, you probably did NOT do the right thing. Say it. A million times if you have to. Repeat it over and over again until you are heard. Do you feel like the supporting cast in a movie, liable to die any moment? Then make yourself heard. Make yourself the main character in your story. Its the same with friendship. You need to trouble people and let other people trouble you. You need to moan about how annoying your friends are while bitch slapping everyone else who says they are annoying. You need to shamelessly ask for favours and stupidly agree to do ridiculous favours. You need to scream at each other and bear hug each other after screaming. You need to go crazy, tell embarrasing stories, do stupid things and laugh so hard you feel dizzy. Thats what friends are for. Safety net, motivation, mother, father, baby, clown, doppelganger, contrast, contradiction... Thick as thieves and blood sworn. Don't hide your fears, and definitely don't hide your happiness. Relief from pain isn't always immediate. Happiness isn't always prolonged. But I think I can safely say that sharing has, in the long run, made things better. It shows people that you care for them, and that you think of them and want them with you. It shows them that they matter, and even if your best intentions mess up, I think, at the end of the day, we can all forgive each other.

So many things go awry. The truth is that life isn't fair, so strength is being able to accept this and move on. There will always be people better and worse than you. Considering how everything is a matter of perspective... At risk of sounding absolutely silly and too optimistic, I believe that everything will be ok in the end.

"We've been here too long, trying to figure out why we're here."

Misplaced

Playlist

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Was supposed to spend the night in Kobe and head to Himenoji Castle, but discovered it was under construction so... Yeah, I returned to the hostel last night. Save my time and money, and if thinks go well, we will probably head to Osaka Namba area? I have no idea where we can go to shop and eat other than Shinsaibashi? No wonder people always say that Tokyo is the place to go to shop? I'm not sure if that is true if Osaka is any gauge? This area is a bit limited if you're not willing to fork out more than 2000yen for a shirt... Either that or Singaporeans are really price conscious? I felt that shopping in Hong Kong was far more affordable. Taiwan was pretty decent when there are sales as well? Or maybe just everything in Japan is expensive.

I am supposed to revise my work but I'm surfing YouTube? And I find that its pretty hard to revise when I don't have a deadline? School has made it such that its pretty tough for me to work without deadlines. As if its not as important until I have no more time. Pressure cooking my own life. Play hard, work hard is not a good mantra for people who need rest. And I need to start sleeping earlier. Sleeping at 2am everyday and waking at 730am is not the way to go for good skin and a healthy body. My complexion is atrocious and I am often tired after a day out. At home I go out until about 11pm before heading home? But here 830pm is about my limit. While most shops are closed by around 8pm and there is no reason to stay out, the train back to the hostel is often rather painful if I don't get a seat?

Not much to say except that I keep eating sweets. Japan is full of omiyage sweets, and most of it is either matcha or red bean, and often, its both together. Initially, I went gaga over everything and wanted to try everything... But after a while, you realise that the flavours are all about the same. Yes, there are differences in texture and the intensity of the sweetness among other minor factors. The main thing is that it is generally the same, and gets boring quickly. Somehow, they manage to make Western sweets taste similar too? So now everything sweet that I eat seems like it cames from the same shop, but was worked on by a different patisseur. Sad but true. Maybe I should avoid sweets for a while so that my tongue will stop categorising it all into the same category? No idea.

Room is in an organised mess not unlike my own bedroom. And I've sort of misplaced my luggae key twice already in this place I call my room. Always left it in my luggage, which is why I had to upend the bag to find the key. Sigh. I need to get a huge keychain to securemy key. Misplacing it twice in less than 2 weeks is a kind of accomplishment I think? Not that I'm proud of myself for losing things. SIGH. I need to be much more careful.

On an utterly random, I'm very inspired by Park Bom from 2NE1? I love her hair and how she sings so beautifully. I love her pretty legs and how she's super funny. Weird girl, but very cute? Does not seem 27 at all... And I somehow, I feel that if I keep working ahrd at what I like and what I'm good at, I'd be able to live my life happily? Just a bit of optimism to keep me alive here...

"Even with you,I feel lonely..."

Immerse

Playlist

Rain by SID

Been a long time since I really listened to SID songs. I guess I fell in love with Mao when I sang his song at karaoke. I love JRock songs because they have such complex concepts? Not like your cheesy pop music. Then again, even Japanese pop music is vastly different from American pop music? More complex. Slightly more complex. And I really appreciate a song which tells a story? A song that isn't just about dancing, singing and drinking would be good. A song about the subtleties of society and the delicate relationships of people. Yeah. These are the songs I will listen to over and over again. Of course I love dance tracks and I must admit I enjoy the odd brainless pop song. But the songs that will always remain in my playlist are those that make me think twice about the things in everyday life that I might be taking for granted.

Heading to Kobe in about 8 hours. Its going to be a slightly lengthy train ride but I like trains so it should be fine? Will spend the night in a youth hostel before heading back on Saturday. I think the thing that kills you in Japan is the transportation costs and the lodging. I'm paying something like $40 per night in a youth hostel. Makes New York seem cheap in comparison, which is really saying something. Train rides are about at least $10 per trip. Disgustingly expensive especially if you head further. No wonder the Japanese people only travel in their country. Its expensive enough to never go anywhere really fun? I know it costs money to upkeep the trains and all, but surely it can't be as bad as in New York and Montreal? OH. WAIT. Trains in New York and Montreal aren't fastidiously clean like in Japan...

I feel that I'm starting to make friends? I guess no friendship here will be truly serious because everyone will fly apart soon, but I think its good to have people to talk to? Otherwise I sometimes feel pretty lonely. And I have realised that it is pointless to keep trying to speak Japanese; I need to improve my grammar first, or no one will be able to understand me. So I do my best to listen and construct sentences in my head. And it is a very bad idea to translate sentences from English or Mandarin to Japanese because it screws up the grammar. Solution? Think in concepts. I answer much slower, but at least I won't be spewing nonsense at my poor teachers and classmates. Sigh. Doing my best to cope. In many ways this programme might be doing very well because I sometimes think of the words in Japanese first? Hopefully I will return to Singapore with much more confidence and, more importantly, proficiency.

I need to get more sleep. Bedtime at around 2am is bad for health. My throat now feels weird-ish and I often feel tired in class. So I shall attempt to sleep at around midnight today. Not that great, but at least it is an improvement! Otherwise my complexion will worsen... And I always get hungry at night too, so this might be a good way to cut on food and expenses. Have yet to exercise since Monday, and I am beginning to feel guilty for being lazy. I shall workout on Saturday and attempt to walk more in Kobe. Need to burn off the fats and get some exercise. Superbly unfit. At this rate I will suffer when I return to Singapore and go for training. I'm already overseas and unable to train with the rest. Don't wanna play so much catch up in terms of physical ability. 

Discovering things about myself and Japanese society. I guess you really need to solo to get a feel for yourself. My only concern is that, the way things are now, I will never be attached. Yeah, you may think its a very superficial and ridiculous thing that is contradictory to my character, but the truth is, I'm a person who gets lonely very easily. Even with friends. Even when I'm smiling and laughing. I need someone who will love me the most in the world, no matter what. I think that's what I need? Not someone who thinks I'm pretty. Nor someone who thinks I am interesting. Someone who will think I'm lovable even when I'm angry and throwing a tantrum. Sighs. I think it is highly unlikely that someone like this exists in my social circle...

Nothing much more to add. I'll be online again in about 2 days, hopefully with a ton of gorgeous photos and stories to tell. Bought some stuff in Rinku Town and this is on top of the amount spent in Osaka? My expenditure in increasing and I am worried because I didn't bring that much money? And I hear Kobe has this fantastic area for shopping and my hostel is about 10minutes away? HAHA. Oh well, wish me a safe journey and plenty of fun~ I'll be back soon!

"My love, I'd give you my heart so you'll never need to walk alone."