Posies

Playlist

Bad by Tablo

I feel guilty for blogging. This is the first time I'm feeling this way. I've never ever felt guilty for blogging, not when I had an exam the next day, not when I was supposed to be doing work, not when I was in class and not paying attention. I guess it was because I was always of the belief that time is mine to do what I want with, and blogging was a choice. It still is a choice, but the opportunity cost in this situation is the time I could have spent crafting a report for my accounting project that is due in around 24 hours. Each moment I spend here is increasingly expensive in terms of my overall grade. I'm less worried about the presentation as I can just extract the gist from my report. The report is the foundation of which I build my presentation, without which I might as well not do the presentation...

Ah, I dislike having regrets, so I am glad that we broke apart from those leeches. Yeah, we were 'mean' to these poor kids who came to Asia expecting a holiday and was saddled with such a high level class. Too bad. They came at a time where I'm sick and tired of having to clean up after the mess that other people create. If I had seen more effort, it might not have been so ugly? Oh and I know effort, because I am a cosplayer. I know when you put in time, and when you don't and when you leave things to the eleventh hour, desperately hoping for salvation. I know because I have been there, and I can see parts of myself in your laziness and sloppy work. So easy to go there, so hard to go past it.

Wanting to become stronger means you need to be willing to sacrifice blood, sweat, tears, time and effort. You need to steel your mind to take the damage, and you need to know your body to know your limits. And you need to combine both to really get somewhere. It hurts, you feel like giving up, but you force everything to hold together, because you want to achieve something greater. Its discipline and this little bit of insanity to keep wanting something so badly that you can tolerate the pain. Its one small step at a time, convincing yourself every inch of the way. Its closing your eyes to the risk, its blocking out snarky remarks of people who don't believe in you. Its about learning to smile at the end of the day even though things have been awful. Its about realising that the world doesn't end with every setback and that when you wake up, even though you can't reset things, its not as if the world will literally end. Not all thorns, and not all pretty posies. And its fine like this.

Love Tablo. And 8eight. And so many more songs. If you're keen on knowing what I listen to, I would recommend my Tumblr account. I post PVs and MVs of songs that I loop on my playlist. It may not be for everyone, but I think its good to listen to music that we aren't immediately familiar with. Helps us to think about things. In my case, I don't like being able to understand my music. It interferes with my appreciation of the sounds. I'm not sure how to explain this, but its the reason why I barely listen to English and Chinese music, and why I'm withdrawing from Japanese music. Its a process of me learning new languages and abandoning its music once I know what the lyrics mean. Strange habit of mine...

No longer really attending Japanese classes, which saddens me greatly. No way I can give up, but I can barely proceed with the crazy amount of work I need to plow through. I think I will only really sit down to cram come December when my exams are over. The thing is I need to come up with a way to make sure I really do so. Its so easy to run off into the fields to play with my psycho friends or get caught up with moving into my new home. More effort required on my part, of which I've been making on sad excuse after another to avoid. Really need to get to it before I make my teachers in JENESYS sigh in disappointment...

"Wishes that are granted without effort will lead us to ruin."

Burden

Playlist

ホソイコエ by シド

Break up song done Japanese style is really heart-wrenching? Nothing like those pathetic English songs which talk about going back to clubbing and partying. Its about the little things that make you remember the person. The moments of loneliness where you suddenly wish that person was here. Habits that become a painful part of your life immediately after that person leaves. Not like mainstream pop songs that keep repeating the same chorus over and over again. Just some of the 101 reasons why I love シド. Their songs are to describe people, albeit done in poetry and verse. Of course you need to understand Japanese to be able to understand, but I feel that Mao sings in such a way that you know its a sad song if it should be a sad song. Its obvious when its a happy song, because the upbeat tune is very recognisable? I love シド!

Suppose to be adjusting my balance sheet for Qantas but I'm taking some time off to blog. Been rather moody for a few days because I've been doing nothing but work. No entertainment at all. Utterly depressing. Not anyone's fault, because everything is due 2359 on 30th October.  My FIIM report and presentation. My Corp report and presentation. My IEA presentation. Neither FIIM not Corp is anywhere near submission-ready, and these are the projects that really matter. Sigh. I'm really tired anyway, so I'm just going to be lazy and not continue. Its a good thing my group mates don't visit this site or they'll have my head. Call me irresponsible, but compared to the other 2 people in the group who have barely contributed an ounce of work? I think I deserve a short break. Just a bit of time off and going to bed early... I need a rest from staring at those disgusting balance sheets and income statements before I really lose it.

Its boring to do work with no holiday in sight. I guess working people look forward to the weekend and their public holidays? Well, as a student who goes back to school everyday, regardless of whether its a holiday or weekend... I think working life would be far more enjoyable. My holidays only start on 28th November. Which seems like light years away when you are drowning in your project. I know its just barely a month, and I have projects due and exams to take... Nevertheless its too far. Not like I have anything really substantial to look forward to during the holidays. And I already know its going to be an exceedingly short break. So I'm not going to touch any work AT ALL. Just play and sleep and laze my days away. I know I'm gonna be busy with school work and trainings once the semester begins proper, and I still need to overlook renovation works at my new home... Hopefully I manage to get plenty of rest. Body has yet to break down, so I ought to reward it with a proper holiday. Taking care of myself like every intelligent individual would.

I think my blog posts are getting far shorter because I'm running out of meaningful things to say. Swamped and brain squeezed to the extent that I can't really come up with anything too complex to discuss here. Just living day to day from hand to mouth is already proving to be difficult. Been super long since I felt this swamped this badly... I guess I could always rely on at least a few other group members to pull their own weight. Ah well, its a wee bit too late to give up now, just going to plough forward and hope nothing goes wrong. At this stage, everything is still possible if we all work consistently... Trying to be optimistic because the moment doubt creeps in, I'd probably surrender under all the stress. Lesson learnt form cheer: Never give up because once you do, everyone else will throw in the towel with you. Partially a mental game I'm playing with myself. I can be productive for only as long as I believe I can be productive. Quash all doubts and fears and uncertainty. 

"Because you'd be mowed over the moment you stop."

Wheel

Playlist

Back to Tomorrow by 東方神起

Been playing this on repeat for quite a while, which is kind of relaxing, if a bit depressing. Totally reflects my current mood. Hmph. New Japanese album was recently released, and I think its pretty good? As I always tell everyone, I feel superbly embarrassed when I watch TVXQ on Japanese variety shows because they are so good in Japanese. They can easily function without a translator, which is something I still cannot do. I need a dictionary, at the very least, and a LOT of revision before I can even think of running around alone. Conversations would still warrant a lot of gesturing on my part and plenty 'request for explanation'. Lousy me.

Mid terms just ended earlier today, but I spent the whole day in school? Exam followed by training and throw in 2 project meetings for good measure. Typical life of a university student who's active in club activities and has to complete three full projects in 2 weeks. Add non-existent and MIA group members into the mix for good measure. My life is all about chasing deadlines the way pet poodles chase after tennis balls and hoping that the evil meanie thingy chasing after me doesn't gobble me up. Ok, this is a really pathetic example because I am creatively sucked dry. I know people feel that starving and homeless Parisians and New Yorkers make excellent artists, but this girl needs food and comfort to be able to think of witty ways portray a relatively bleak scenery?

I really want a holiday. A proper one? Not sure what I would give to get one. Really relax for one? Wait, I always say that, but the truth is that when I am on a holiday, I always do a million things and never get a proper opportunity to rest. I am always trying to make everyone else happy and I always forget that the only thing I really want is a whole day to myself? To rest and sleep and do whatever I want, or not do whatever I don't want to do. I think, for my 21st present to myself, I'm going to book a night in a decent hotel and just spend the whole day reading and lazing. Maybe go downstairs to swim and gym. Will definitely order room service. Maybe I'll spend the first day on my own? And the second day would be a pyjama party or something? Could be quite fun :D Maybe I should try planning now, although I foresee cost being a huge issue. I mean one night in MBS would probably cost as much as a flight to Hong Kong. Annoying.

Need to get back to work soon if I don't want to screw up this semester. Last semester was really awful for me academically and I need to do everything I can to make sure I don't hasten my academic suicide.

Sorry for the brevity. OMG I just started thinking of Thomas Beckett and Murder in the Cathedral. I miss the good old days of Literature, where life was reading books and trying to figure out the hundred and one unsaid things that probably were never really said but we assumed the author wanted to say anyway. Long sentence, but thinking off Literature makes me like this. Super keen to go on and on forever. Maybe it was my way of escapism. Seeing things in others that I wish I could see and things I didn't want to see, all reflected. Tough, but always entertaining. Teacher was awesome, class was pretty good, text was interesting... It was like a little slice of paradise where you could laugh and say whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Where copying notes was fun. I miss Literature lessons.

"I fight loneliness and fear by pretending to be happier and more satisfied than anyone else."

Flip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

This is one of the few songs that feature in my playlist irrespective of my mood? The other is 星の無いの夜に by Deluhi. For some strange reason, these two songs always make me feel better about myself after I've heard them a couple of times? No matter how depressed I am, no matter how sad I am? I tend to cry during 星の無いの夜に, but I always feel more 'me' when I'm done. Its a bit sad how Deluhi disbanded and I feel guilty for being totally out with R指定. Not on purpose, just that I have not really been listening to anything new after returning from Japan? Unless the song is thrust right at me, which is the Korean style, the more subtle self promotion method of Japanese Visual Kei Really sorry... I'll work harder to look for nice songs to recommend!

Not really in a good mood now. Yeah, was reprimanded by my dad for wanting to go on exchange. He's telling me that since I could give up on Japan, I can jolly well give up on anywhere else. I wonder if its me changing, or its him who is losing it, because I have never given up on Japan. Maybe not now what with the mess that is the Tohoku region. Maybe not now what with the crazy exchange rate. It doesn't mean I've given up on it, all I've done is to merely shelve the desire to go there. There is rather big difference? Why else would I be learning the language for three years? Its not something that you throw away or forget that easily. I doubt I'd move there in the foreseeable future, but I think it is highly unlikely that I will stop associating with Japan. It would be like never responding if someone was to call my name.

My options now are 2 very simple places. Hong Kong or Taiwan. I'm not saying that I want to fly to the other side of the world. In fact, I should be making noise to go there what with the excellent exchange rate and all. I'm not suggesting Africa nor America nor India nor China, I picked places with relatively developed infrastructure and where I'd look just like a local. Its not that expensive, it has a pretty decent standard of living, rather safe in Asia... And he had to go and blow a fuse. I can pay for it on my own. I don't need him to pay for it, but it just goes over his head. I really don't understand what is the problem, and its silly to expect me to read his mind to figure it out. Tired of this. Its not that I MUST go on exchange? I would rather go on trips, but no, he says I have been traveling more than him (as if that is even possible) and burst a couple more blood vessels. I am highly inclined to ask him if he wants me to get married and settle down and be a stay at home mother or something. I'm quite sure such a statement would give him a brain aneurysm. What is the purpose of disposable income if you don't dispose of it? I am not allowed to trade, so all the money is doing in my bank is accumulate that pathetic 0.25% interest. Perhaps this is the curse of education. I am not getting any gratification from my savings. Unlike crazy hoarder old people, I do not derive satisfaction when watching the balance crawlingly increase. The interest rate isn't even enough to cover inflation. I might as well spend it and make myself happier OMG.

Ok, this the the limit, two lengthy paragraphs complaining about first world problems. Some people out there cannot even afford a university education, much less exchange. OH. On this note, I read, with slight disgust, Intelligent Life's commentary on rising university tuition fees. I wanted to laugh in the faces of the Europeans. Call me evil, but seriously, they live in this gilded cage where education is a state funded affair. Freaking 2000 Euros for a four year education is pricey? OMG have you seen what we pay here in Asia? You have no idea what I would give for such cheap education. No owing the bank staggering 5 figure sums the moment you step out into society... The relief would be enormous. Such children. I guess the Asian model is vastly different?

On a happier note, my mid terms are almost over! Just a bit more and I can relax for a few days before the mad rush to complete projects begin. And after that would be cramming for the finals. I guess this is the standard life cycle of a student, and I'm pretty used to it by now? After all I am a third year. You have the maturity and stability to balance things out? No longer panicking over every single thing. Things can and will get done if everyone do their best, of that I am sure. So yeah, will only become more active after my exams, but I think you'll still see traces of me here and there. Trying not to be online so often but old habits die hard. Always contactable by a text or a phone call, so don't be a stranger, because I'll always let you know if I'm busy. A thirty minute conversation shouldn't and wouldn't hurt. A three hour conversation might hurt though HAHA.

I miss my friends. Sighs.

"Its not unusual to go out at anytime/ But when I see you out and about its such a crime... Love will never do what you want it to..."

Pause

Playlist

Hot Summer by f(X)

Crazy, but I'm listening to something that appeals to guys more than girls. And its SM Entertainment's girls... Well at least its not as reputation damaging as Girls Generation. At least f(x) has the super cool Amber. Victoria is also pretty good as a singer? And Sulli is adorable in her own way. And I cannot seem to find high quality videos of TVXQ's new song. So f(X) will have to do for now. 

Recess week of this semester. Somehow, my groupmates aren't hunting me down to do work this semester, which is making me very very worried. I need to complete three projects, none of which have much progress? And none of them are fluffy projects either? Suicidal not to start, but what can I do if no one is replying? And no one is starting on the work? I mean while I could start on everything on my own, this is hardly the way to go about it. I can foresee everyone panicking at the 11th hour and we'd probably need to do some crazy repairs to whatever we have to make sure it isn't disgusting. Sometimes, I really hate the culture of my school. Rather, I think I dislike the attitude that exchange students have? They really treat a semester in Singapore like an extended summer holiday, what with the numerous visits to virtually every country in ASEAN to examine the beaches and shopping streets. Annoying to the maximum. Going to study and do whatever I can, because I don't want to be the one suffering when I have three million things to do in October...

If possible, I think I'll try to head to Hong Kong in December. Even if I am going to be the only one going. Not because I want to travel for the sake of traveling, but something tells me that I might really regret it if I do not take this holiday to vamoose out of this country. Highly unlikely that I will get to leave in 2012 because I need to clear my internship component, unless my company sends me overseas, which would be a huge joke. And I don't do well in Singapore for extended periods of time. Not precisely because breathing in humid air kills me, no it isn't the case, but more of a sense that unless I evacuate the country, I can be called up to serve, not in the army thank goodness, but for school. At any point in time they can dial my number and ask me to throw together a bunch of unwilling young adults together to somehow miraculously form a performance for some event in the not so distant future. Which totally stinks, because it means sacrificing sleep, free time and a gazillion other things to bow backwards to accommodate the school. I do appreciate the financial assistance by the school but honestly? I would much rather not be around to watch my team explode into little bits of debris when I need them to come together. They can come apart when I'm not there, I really do not care, but when I'm there... I have key performance indicators to meet, and I am one to deliver. I know this comment would make a lot of people mad, but I think I've done my fair share of community service. The only thing that stands between me and the door is duty, and I think my study of the Japanese language has a part to play in determining my commitment to a sinking ship. Not that I will exhaust brain cells to ponder the intricacies of my addiction to throw good money after bad money, but yeah. Even I have my limits.

Things will come to pass. One day none of us will remember the problems that plagued us, as we lay rotting in the ground. Oops, sorry, in this land scarce island, we don't even have ground space to lay rotting to contribute back to ecology. Taking everything that is thrown at us and sucking the world dry. Seems like an excellent method of maximising gratification. But nevertheless, its all nothing one day. No matter how hard you try, or didn't try, which can be seen as both a good thing and a bad thing? I use it to motivate myself when things get all screwey, but by the same reasoning, it works both ways? Ah, but it does work so...

Thoughts getting all jumbled up. About high time I stopped. Need to study for Economics. Sigh.

"Sometimes, nothing is better than fighting for something."

Choice

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Doing my best to do my best. Of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while I meant well, I was sidelined by the wedding and the F1 concert and the hundred and one little things along the way, such as CCA and stuff. Self distraction ultimate wins. Its some sick ratio, where the more work you have, the more likely you are to head to YouTube and FaceBook. Its like how when you have an 8am class, you stay up typing blog posts or reading books. Its not like I'm even studying for the 2 tests that I have in 2 days. Yes, procrastination is the word you're looking for.

Fear is creeping up on me. About time anyway, since it has been about 7 weeks since classes started. It always happens? Where the fear that you're lousy just slams into you and you hit the floor breathless and wondering if this is the end. I'm not sure if I am the only one who routinely feels this way? I know we all have our moments of utter insecurity but this crippling fear that makes you afraid to go to sleep, because you'll just be a bigger failure when you close your eyes. Because in your dreams things you love are wrenched from you and all that is left is this sense of loneliness and despair, to exaggerate a little. I mean, yeah I know its a dream, and that when I wake up, things can still be fought for and gained, but it just makes me sad?

There are a few songs that always make me sad. Without fail, even when I am feeling happy. I think everyone who knows me knows which song it is because I'm always crying when I hear them. I cannot say the same about songs that make me instantly happy? But I think, although its been so long, I've always been more aware of being unhappy than happy? I get all gloomy easily, but of course I pretend its fine and dandy when I am with people. When I leave my friends, such as when I am taking the bus home alone, I can start crying almost immediately. Not that I am a crybaby, ok perhaps I am, but there's always this sense that there is so much injustice in the world. Not done to me perhaps, but it exists, and in many way, it hurts? My existence is a relationship statement with everyone else, and things just feel horrible... Ok, just ignore me for now. Me thinking too much. First world problems.

I wonder if you feel anything when I say that I like him. Do you feel jealous? Do you wish I would get together with him and stop being so lonely? Do you wish I would forget him and go back to being with you? I really wonder. I don't think its JUST a passing fancy? I'm not the kind of person to like someone for the fun of it. But I'm the kind of person, who while aggressively telling people that I like them, am subtly telling them to go away. To you, and him, I'm the same. Its love, and because its love, I'm sending you away. Even though it feels like we were supposed to be together forever and ever, I know I'm not someone who should be loved that way. Its a warped theory, that because I like you, and because you shouldn't like me, I push you away while asking you to stay. He's far far away and while I desperately try to make things between us go further, I'm asking him to go elsewhere. I'm burning my bridges with him. I know we can never be, at the very least, I believe we can never be, so I'm killing my hope. Killing it in the hopes that the nerves stop hurting and I can go back to the existence I was previously. I regret the day I asked to meet him. But I think if I had never met him, I would never have my current understanding of myself. What price is knowledge? This is something that's going round and round in my head all the time...

Ought to go back to studying.

"I was a fool to give up my honour for the world."

Fortune

Playlist

Random M&D song

I have this feeling that I am beginning to see the way I have created for myself. As usual, I have no idea if it is a good or bad thing. Or maybe its neither. I would be lying if I told you I know full well where I am going. I don't. I'm building the road one brick at a time. Not sure if my road will be a shortcut or take a huge detour but I think I already have my hands full trying to build a road, much less worry about where it goes. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't bury myself in the construction process. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't let it collapse halfway through. I'm doing my best to understand if this is the way I truly wish to go. Hands full, no time to worry about the details. Yeah, the devil is in the details, but when you're running around like a headless chicken, your last concern would be the devil.

Somehow, not to make it sound overtly dramatic or anything, but I know it still will, I get the impression that many people see me as a loner? Or as a very independent person? I am unsure of what to make of it actually? Because while I would agree that I am someone who needs quite a measure of personal time and space, I am socialble to enjoy good company and random madness. I like my quiet time to blog and watch the world go by. I can watch movies on my own; I can even go to the theatre on my own! I make friends with random people I meet at parties when I'm bored, or people watch from the corner when I don't feel like speaking. I am alright with being a wet blanket, and I'm also alright with following along with whatever the larger group wants to do. Ah, a friend once called me a digusting chameleon because I only show my true colour when I am in a vacuum. And people do realise it after a while. A bit off, never really in the middle, not really at the fringes... I seem perpetually busy and somehow, still very relaxed. When I examine my own behaviour, I always wonder what about the kind of person that I truly am. Those personality quizzes? They usually are about 60% accurate as to the type of behaviour I exhibit, but the rationale for my behaviour is rarely correct. Not a fantastic tool. In fact, rather pathetic? My curiosity has brought me to want to visit a fengshui master. or whatever they call those dubious-ish people who attempt to tell you your fate. I cannot wait to hear what they have to say. Met one Japanese fortune teller, oops, palm reader, and he told me a few things that are rather accurate, but he couldn't really say anything that made me go 'Ah! So that's why!'. Maybe my expectations are too high? Hmm. I really wonder.

I think I am someone who is useless when it comes to digital communication. Often told that I sound superbly unfriendly in SMSes and emails. As if somewhere along the way, I was too properly educated in the manners essential in proper letter writing, so every piece of correspondence I write has to be something that my teacher wouldn't be ashamed of. And I have no idea how that got rooted in my thick skull. I mean, think about it, 2 years of hard work and my Economics is as pathetic as ever. Years of Mathematics doesn't make my mathematical ability particularly strinking. And yet, when it comes to English, I respond in the stiff manner typically found only in letter of the 80s where they had gorgeous cursive penmanship and content was modern enough for me to not laugh. And no I am not joking. Indeed my cursive is rather atrocious, but I can assure you that my correspondence are of the calibre that would make the stereotypical matronly English schoolteacher proud. Not sure if this is an embarrassment or accomplishment, but it transcends physically letters and into digital media. In simple terms, if left to my own devices, I would SMS the same way I write a letter.

 Kinda tough to be a girl these days. There are so many expectations, by guys and other girls and by family members and friends and the community and society in general. I think people have written books on these issue, so I shall not summarise, but I wanted to say that this might be the first time I feel that being female is more disadvantageous. You may not believe me, but the truth is that I have always enjoyed being a girl. So many choices and options... And somehow in the past few weeks, I realised that these were all surface choices. The glass ceiling is really very much still there, which is why I sometimes admire girls who can continuously pretend to be a silly thoughtless bimbo. You need a measure of brain cells to get into university, and they play the dumb blonde game so very well. I mean, why do anything at all, if you could get someone else to do it for you? I know my guy friends often complain about girls like that, but honestly, their line of sight narrows to said species of girl whenever one is spotted. Takes them a while to recollect their shattered intellect to say that they 'don't like' girls like that. Boys, admit it. You can't help but be attracted, much like how I instantly turn when I hear someone with a god awesome voice. Its instinctive, and the last time I checked with Scientific American, males are still very much more animalistic than girls, to say it unglamourously. Of course, not all boys are like that, the same way not all girls have a similar weakness to nice sounding guys. But there are enough to make it a trend.

This sudden emo nemo-ness (don't ask me why or how or where, it just EMERGED) might be because of him. I think I must have schizoprenic tendencies because I seesaw between wanting to strangle him and wanting to call him. Both of which are highly inappropriate things to do to somebody you barely know. I mean, yeah I know his address, phone number and a million other facts, no I am NOT a stalker he TOLD ME, but I don't know him if you get what I mean. The chances of us meeting were so slim. The chances of us being able to talk to each other is even more pathetic. But somehow it worked. Tentative but it worked. And now there's nothing and I need to wait until Friday night or Saturday before I get a reply, if I even get a reply. Wait. Why am I even expecting a reply OMG. Like I said online, asking to get my heart broken.

"Evidently, I need to do at least one stupid thing every month."

Renew

Playlist

Losing My Religion by Glee

Brand new Blogger interface. Not sure if I like this yet, because pictures have replaced the normal function names... So its a wee bit confusing. Hopefully I will come to enjoy it? I need to shake up my world a little now and then to make sure that I don't get too complacent. Blogger has been one of those things that has not changed much since ages ago so I guess it was high time I learnt to navigate something new. Seriously need to make sure that the learning ability of my brain isn't adversely affected by the crazy hours I spend on unproductive things.

School is scary as usual. Readings creep up on you, and the next thing you know, the readings that you need to do are thicker than the amount of paper any normal file could store. I should take a photo and show it to everyone. Its really something shocking! I did expect to work but the sheer amount in 4 weeks... Really unexpected. On my to do list would be something like :

1) Corporate Reporting Chapter 5&6 (which is about 100 odd pages OMG) and tutorials (around 30 long questions SO DEAD)

2) IEA readings (OMG this is one is crazy)

3) FIIM readings and tutorial x2

4) Study for Negotiation exam (DIE not started on anything, I dont even have the freaking TEXTBOOK), write Negotiation report (ARGH)

5) Corp Reporting Readings (I can probably survive this?)

Shoot. I think I have been relaxing a wee bit too much. Just realised that the amount of work that I have pending is quite a lot compared to previous years. The mad thing is that we have yet to start on projects, so I think the second half of this semester is likely to be crazy insane. Main concern at the moment would probably be Negotiation as the final test is in 2 weeks! In class. I have no idea what kind of test it will be, but my concern is that it is very textbook dependent, which is likely to be the case as classes have mostly been negotiation practices. Okay. So dead. I ought to start studying. Maybe I should start by buying the book. Not much time to procrastinate and pretend that I have another 7 weeks before needing to worry about my finals. Time flies even when I am not having fun. 

Not that things are that bad? I guess there are bits of happiness in my life, such as meeting friends and teasing my brother? Classes are generally pretty interesting, and for once, the only problems I really have are with my laptop and my school account. First world problems that makes me sound like a whiny and useless spoilt brat but... Its kind of the truth? I really am useless when it comes to technology. Software is still manageable, unless you're talking about Excel which is kind of my worst enemy, but hardware plus settings puts me way out of my league. I'm more of the Victorian/ Romantic era kind of person. I can live fine with my stationery, except I would probably miss YouTube and other videos. Sad eh? To be such a tech noob at my age and in this kind of era...

I often feel strange recently. Maybe its the fact that I'm going to move away from the place that I have called home for the past 6 years of my life? And it has been some of the most formative years, where your character and other finishing touches on your personality is cemented. Not sure what it would be like to move back, except that I would probably lose the high ceiling that I have come to love? I'm not really and outdoor-sy person, but I have enjoyed listening to the birds in the morning? Chirping after resting at the plants... Annoying, but beautiful at the same time? Something to remind you that even though you're still in bed, the rest of the world is up and about and not the least shy to shake you up. Still, I suppose my new home would be somewhere with its on perks? I look forward to finding a nice new spot to bask and laze in the afternoon? Not like this is something I should be thinking of when I have sooo much backlog, but I think its the little things like this that allow me to live day by day. Looking for the little bit of happiness to make me smile, instead of being greedy and demanding complex things that might not even truly satisfy me.

I'm such a high maintenance girl aren't I?

"Everything that you lose is the price you pay for gaining something new."

Article - Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Turned 18 (Happy Birthday Little Brother)

This is for you, little brother, on your 18^th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.

Aug. 26, 2011
 

By Kat George 
 

Little brother, you and I both are very lucky—we have a mother full of wisdom. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this: that mother is always right. So I am telling you now: all the things she says and does are with your best interests at heart, and everything she tells you will come to pass. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this (someone who wasn’t mamma), and I wish someone had told me that even though she’ll always turn out to be right in the end, it’s still OK to challenge her in the meantime.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me how young I was. Imbibed with all the new powers—drinking (drinking age in Australia is 18), driving, voting—it’s easy to feel somehow older, but you’re not, you’re still a teenager. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, hold on to your fearless childhood ways for as long as you can and use your new freedoms recklessly. Experiment with these new things you have (but be safe, little brother) and be you in a million different ways, because you don’t have to settle into yourself just yet.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me it’s OK to screw up; that it’s OK to mess up whatever, whenever, in every which way possible. That failing a subject at uni isn’t the end of the world. That backing your car into another when you’re trying to reverse park isn’t so bad. That your failed relationships, both sexual and platonic, are not an indication of the person you are. Little brother, it’s all right if you break something—because I’m going to be here to love you regardless.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that nothing is precise. What you will learn from books over the next few years of your tertiary education is subjective. You will want to spout platitudes from texts like sermons over dinner and when you’re drunk with your uni buddies. But, little brother, enlightenment is not necessarily in knowledge so much as it is in application. Don’t learn dogmatically from words, but learn to mix them all together to find the shades of grey between them.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that no one wants to grow up. We all want to ride the merry-go-round, to eat fairy bread at parties and to play duck-duck-goose. It’s OK that you want these things too. You don’t have to become quieter, or more ‘mature’—this means nothing. Little brother, it’s all right to keep some of your childish impulses, to spray your ice cream with so much chocolate sauce it appears more like a mudslide than a sundae. You only live once, hold onto the kid inside.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that it’s all right to be scared; that everyone is scared. No one knows what they’re doing or why, but they’re doing it just the same, and so should you. There’s no shame in fearing the things you fear, little brother, because we can face them together. When I was 18, I wish someone told me that all there is happiness, and to love the ones around you. So dissolve your fears, little brother, and don’t let them rule you, because we are so very brief, and I want you to always smile inside your heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you become, where you work, who you marry (or if you marry at all) or how much money you have—the only, and most important thing to be in life is happy.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that the older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means. Good luck little brother, because even though I’m eight years your senior, I’m still completely clueless. All I know for sure is that I love you more than I will ever be able to express completely.

Mature

Playlist

Don't Cry by Park Bom

This is a song that makes me feel sad? Korean song by Park Bom of 2NE1, about saying goodbye to someone you used to love. A goodbye that is bittersweet because you know letting that person would make both of you happier. Its not a song about anger, unlike most other love songs I have heard recently, so I really like this. More of... Understanding that some things in life just do not work out? It takes quite a lot of maturity to be able to accept this? Well, just my thoughts.

Hmm. Numerous public holidays this term so I have a lot of make up classes on Saturdays. Shifting my week from weekdays to the weekends. I think I have 5 Saturdays worth of make up classes for the 3 public holidays and the 2 eves of public holiday. Quite annoying to have to go for class at 830am on a Saturday but oh well, not much that I can do. Squishing 3 days worth of classes into 2 days is not a viable option and skipping the class would be dumb because I pay school fees! Not much I can do, so I shall stop mumbling about how sad it is. Countless other people in the same straits as me.

Other than this, it has been a pretty quiet semester? Many of my friends are overseas on exchange and I see FaceBook constantly updated with their photos. Of course I am rather busy with cheer stuff and school work, I have presentation tomorrow OMG, but either I have gotten so good at managing my time that I now have a lot of free time... or I am deluding myself. I am strongly inclined to believe that I am deluding myself about the excess of time. If there is something that I have learnt from 4 semesters in this little nightmare in the middle of the country, it is that there is NEVER enough time. NEVER. You will work from 8am to 3am and still be lagging behind. You will read notes on the bus and on the train and when you are eating and when you are in the toilet there will still notes you will have never touched even up to the moment of the exam. You will never be fully prepared for presentations, even if you were to read every single important article related to your subject and rehearse ten times. You may feel that this is an exaggeration, but ask my peers. Most will voice a similar sentiment. Of course, this is what you need to do if you want a good A grade and wasn't born a genius or with an excellent memory. Peasant class individuals like me don't have the time to put in so much effort, so I survive on the fringes of GPA respectability. Which is a really fancy way of saying that my GPA sucks. Yeah we will all say that GPA is not the one and only important in our lives but going by the way everyone mugs, you would think we were all hypocrites.

On the topic of school, Glee Season 3 starts soon! So happy! I must admit that Season 2 was pretty much a let down in terms of story telling, although the relationship between Blaine and Kurt was awesome, and the musical numbers were show stoppers in general? Oh well. I happen to like The Warblers, so if Blaine joins McKinley, I will be super sad, though I understand that its to facilitate plot development? Whatever. I enjoy Glee, although its getting not as fantastic, so yeah. Waiting for September 20th! Graduation is on the cards this season though. I wonder how the writers are going to tackle this.

Discovered the joy that comes with reading a collection of slightly amusing and relatively insulting. Of course, its usually in jest, but there are some things mentioned that are so relevent to our circumstances that I cannot help but wonder at how much of the article was actually written in jest. The thing I believe in is that inspiration does not emerge from a void. No, we are not God. If there is something that I realise, creativity stems from boredom with the current state of things. Creativity comes from adventure. And very often, it is based on something near and dear. Outrageous lies are too outrageous to be kept up and expanded into full articles. Voice of experience.

Anyway, the next post will be what I want to circulate. Its from Thought Catalog, so please enjoy.

"The older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means."

Blur

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Second week of school and things are falling into the usual term pattern. Its all waking in time to go to school, doing my best to pay attention and learn in class and rushing around for cheer. Busy as a bee and bored three thousand ways to hell. Yeah. Welcome back to reality, normality and inertia. Days drag past, and I desperately seek new markers to count the passing of time. As if everything melds into one, where waking and sleeping seems to blend into each other. I can barely remember what I did yesterday because yesterday feels like now and last week feels like a blur of emptiness.

No I am not being 'emo'. Just remarking on the very unremarkable nature of daily life after the excitement of BSM in New York and Montreal, holidays in New York and Taiwan and that brief adventure called JENESYS. As if I am still in a dream when I should be back in reality. Daily life is a blur, broken by certain jarring moments, but its as if its not 'real' enough to awaken me, and I soon fall back into m semi-zombie state yet again. Not certain if this is a blessing or a curse, but I am effectively blocking out ceryain worries? Everything I do now is short term in nature. Nothing much past 2 weeks. No real plans for September or October. Which means I am still in holiday mode. Ho hum.

As you can see, my life lacks excitement. So I am kinda on a look out for new things to try and do? I am actually rather worried about my gypsy nature. Travelling around, always eager for new things and never really commiting full scale... I foresee a lot of potential problems? Yeah, I have learnt a lot from my various experiences, but I think I have little staying power? As if I am not sufficiently dedicated. I do not think I have this problem with people, but with things in life... Not sure if this affliction will spread to the other parts of my life. I think its already bad enough that I cannot settle down on one activity... Then again it might be because I feel bored in my CCA? Hmm. I wonder...

Short post, because I am being distracted by my Accounting homework and Gackt. HAHA. Or if you prefer, its about time this distraction of blogging while doing work was put to an end? I must admit that it has been a while since I have listened to songs by Gackt, so its a nice change to hear him. Crazy guy with a good voice. Too bad he seems to be getting lazier recently and is mainly just releasing remixes of his older songs. Not sure about his other fans, but I personally dislike artistes who constantly do nothing but release remixes in the hopes of earning money the 'easy' way. One new song, a remix of an old song, one off vocal version of both does not qualify as a single. I know this is the business model adopted by many artistes, but in this modern age, I think I would prefer something like 2 new songs per single at least? Indeed, its called a single, but at least reward the hardcore fans who purchase your CDs in this digital age of ripping music? Albums may now be a dying trend, but for many of us fans, we still like holding the CD booklet and staring at the pretty artwork? Of course I am assuming the artistes put effort into the CD? This is something the Japanese could learn from their Korean counterparts. Make the CD something so gorgeous your fans MUST buy it. Or follow the AKB voting method. 10,000 CDs bought by one hardcore fan. Insanity.

I'd like it if singles included the PVs too? I try to support the artiste by watching on YouTube as many times as humanely possible? it is super tempting to rip it off the internet, but I do feel guilty if I don't support my favourites. I mean what kind of nasty fan would just continuously rip music off the internet? Not like it is THAT expensive to buy albums off iTunes or Amazon. The full 2NE1 new album costs something like USD$2 per track? Full album for USD$8. Sure, I am mighty sad that I cannot admire their pretty CD booklets, but for poorer people, I think around ten bucks is decent. Its just one less dinner outside in a proper eating place. Eat home packed food for 2 days and it covers the music you will enjoy for about a month. Hey, artistes need to eat too?

Ok, this turned into some mightier than thou rant. Sorry! I must admit to my own misdeavours too, but if possible, I really believe in supporting the artistes? If not possible... Well official YouTube Channel gives them revenue too? If still not possible, well. I'm sorry but yeah. Life interferes I know.

"もし生まれかわれるなら...この声の少女のように ... 歌声で人を救えるような... 存在になりたいと思うんだ..."

Sinking

Playlist

Don't Stop The Music by 2NE1

I look ahead, and all I see is darkness. Really. Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but too much rests on this ONE day. If things are not satisfactory, we can just stop doing this and all go home. And I would not even have a last stage.

How many times have I truly been in a routine? I think only once. Yeah, there were plenty of unforeseen circumstances which made it such that I am more of an administrative person than a performer. But I love the stage? For the stage, I can work hours every single day, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I complain, deep in my heart, I still go back primarily because I love the stage. So many of them are tired of competing. Maybe its because they always had that expectation weighing down on them, and after a huge failure, going back to where they were becomes a psychological barrier. Personally I am not too sure about what the psychologist and psychology students would say, but I know there is that tension. The sense that whatever you do will never be able to top your achievements during your glory days and thus, you withdraw with nothing but memories. I can understand this.

Yet, no matter how much I tell myself that they have their reasons, I cannot help but feel that they are being a wimp and a coward for running away. Yes, this is not a lifetime commitment, but you've managed to come so far. Why not work a little bit harder and go that bit more to attain excellence? Then again, who am I to dictate how people live their lives? 

I should stop being so emotional. I hate saying goodbye to people. I'd rather people hate me, and I leave first, because I don't want to make people sad that I leave. Which might have been a good reason to go to Waseda. Just leave in 2 weeks and everything is settled. I won't have to deal with all the teething issues. Running away does not solve the problem, but at least you don't have to deal with it... But no. I am far too goody two shoes to ever do that. Far too 'responsible' to ever do what I want to do, instead of what people expect me to do. Far too stupid to aggressive bulldoze my way through. Far too 'innocent' to blackmail people into doing what I want them to do. Sigh. Its too late now anyway. Dreaming for a rock to descend from the sky and knock some sense into them is but a dream that belongs in the realm of sleep...

People always say that they dislike supervisors hovering over them all the time. But the thing is, how many people are responsible enough to perform their tasks without someone hovering over them? Honestly I dislike chasing people for work. I'd like to delegate, and let things go on as per normal. Yet what I realise is that people don't do things unless you remind them every single step of the way, and you hound them every step of the way to get a scrap of work done. Its impossible to take everything on because I am not a superwoman and contrary to popular belief, I do not have 30 hours in a day. I happen to have a social life outside of school as well, unlike the previous presidents, so I need all the help I can get. I delegate work, give a deadline, and expect them, like responible adults, to sort things out on their own. And somehow? It descends into childish bitching and tantrum throwing. Nothing gets done, everyone is annoyed, workload accumulates, stress levels rise and KABOOM. Trouble.

If you feel thta this post has been nothing but downright depresisng, I sincerely apologise. I guess this is more of a phase of resignation rather than depression, because while I do feel slightly sad, it is something that I have accepted as the reality I need to face and am taking measures to deal with it. I wonder why I am so emotionally attached to my club, but I suppose I will just do my own thing and in the worst case scenario? Join another club. I have another club waiting for me, and even though it seems pretty unstable at the moment, I think it might be an interesting experience. Cheerleading is great, but we can do anything if three quarters of the members will leave by December. If the turn out is bad... well, it might just be the signal to leave this crumbling ship and seek another ride for the next few years.

"The first, and ultimate, sign of maturity, is knowing who you are."

Ugly

Playlist


Ugly by 2NE1


New 2NE1 album! Superb songs and wonderful music videos. Its strange, but I have never gotten bored of 2NE1? They have been around for more than 2 years and I have been following them from shortly after their debut... I think I discovered them from Can't Nobody? Not sure... Its been quite a while... And Bommie has always been my favourite? She is so funny and cute. Not the prettiest person, but definitely one of those with the most personality. If you want some decent Korean songs, I highly recommend 2NE1. They actually SING!~


Anyway, this song often makes me feel sad. Perhaps it is due to the sad lyrics, but I guess I'm in one of my down moods. Not sure, but I think the weight of my CCA and the fact that I can't run away is hitting me really hard. As you might recall, I was supposed to head to Waseda for a one year academic break... But some things cropped up and it is no longer possible. The story is pretty short but pretty ugly so I'm not going to say it here. Just know that I am not going, and don't be relentless in asking for an explanation. Maybe in a bit, when I can finally learn to be optimistic again. My only chance and I blew it. A four year dream gone down the drain because of some small stupid things. If you think I'm stupid, I probably think so at a much greater intensity than you. So don't worry, I'm already killing myself about this missed opportunity. 


So I cannot leave. I cannot get away. Its like being told you would be allowed to leave prison for a short vacation, and you've been looking forward to it for 4 years and then WHAM. Too bad. Your prison stay was extended. Indefinitely. Tell me how happy can I possibly be? You may think I'm lucky for always travelling out of the country, but I don't see it as luck. Its a necessity. I cannot stay here much longer, because my brain is going bersek. The stress builds up and there is no way to run. Yeah, sure, you may suggest that everyone is in as much stress as me, and that I might as well face the music and grow up 'cause stress is something that I can never escape from. Well, firstly, I'm not you or anyone else for that matter. I'm myself and I deal with stress differently. If i'm a failure as a student and an adult so be it. I cannot be bothered. Whats the worst that could happen at the end of the day? i could just die. Its not like I'm some great civilizing influence or irreplaceable. I am very much replaceable. Then what about my family, you may ask? Well, if they cannot come to terms with the fact that I'm not 'everyone else', forget it. We just happen to share the same roof. I'll leave when I can, because I know I'm not wanted.


School term is about to begin. Supposed to be difficult and torturous, but then again, every semester has been like this since a while back. Time seems to fly in school, but I know how very lengthy and painful it can be when it hits somewhere around the 10th week of school.  Where every morning you have to wake up to go to school is arduous, and travelling to school is excruciating, and sitting through class is suffocating, and project work is like walking across hot coals. Life is hell, and the only thing going through your head is how to make things better. When you start planning holidays to take the edge off things, when you  train like an insane idiot because its the only time when your brain is empty. Yeah. School is torture and regardless of what people say, I think I will always feel this way. I actually used to like school? Nowadays, classes are a huge bore and I feel as though I'm just going through the motions called the pursuit of academic excellence. Meaningless.


Emo phase now. I should stop complaining and just suck it up like an adult yeah? Really wondering what kind of career path I can take at this rate. I need something that does not make me feel as though I'm just shoveling water out of a sinking ship. Exercise in futility. Maybe my life is really that meaningless. Or maybe life in general is that meaningless.


Oh God, please give my life meaning. Please give me a reason to continue my human faculties. I don't want to be a drone, eating and sleeping and going to school only because i was programmed to...


"Just like her I wanna be pretty... Don't lie to my face, telling me I'm pretty... Cause I know I'm ugly."

Home

Playlist 

I Think You Know by TVXQ

I"m back home! Finally home after about 3 months overseas. Its good to be back? I missed my bed and my room and the kaya in my fridge. Its good to see my family again, and to go back to a place which will alwasy be waiting for you. Unpacked my bags and realised I brought way too much clothing for Japan. Should have packed more of my dresses and less separates. Easier to match and takes up less space. And totally should not have listened to them. Bringing formal wear takes up too much space. I could have brought a pair of boots if I wanted...

Singapore is much easier to live in than Japan? Trainsportation and food is crazy expensive. Not too sure about housing but from what I can tell, it is comparable to local levels. Perhaps it was a good thing that I declined Waseda. I mean, yes, last opportunity to go on exchange as a student, but I feel that sucking my parents dry to have fun is not necessarily the best course of action. So yeah, maybe it was the guilt that made me decline. But I think that if I was truly passionate about it, I would have forged ahead without a care. The fact that I did not just goes to show that I was not prepared to go there for a year. Not like Tokyo is THAT interesting.

JENESYS was fun. Met a lot of people that I would not have had the opportunity to meet if I had spent my days in Singapore. Spoke quite a bit of Japanese, and I am convinced that I would like to continue learning the language. Of course, I need to do a lot more work, but I think I should be fine if I work a little bit harder and put in more effort. That is mainly what is lacking...

Wanted to say a lot of things, but now that I look back at the time spent, a lot of the stuff that I felt were major turning points seem to be nothing but minor bumps in the road. Not so important that I should go on and on about what happened. And I realised that we always tend to put down negative thoughts? I should pen more positive things. Not sure why, but I sometimes get the feeling that people are trying to boast if they talk about good stuff? As if somewhere along the way, it became a crime to be happy. So to try and make things happy, I'm going to talk about all the wonderful people I met in JENESYS!

First things first, everyone I get along with are nice people. I have no idea why, ok, maybe I do and I think its because I am such a demanding person, that the only people who can get along well with me are people who are rather tolerant of others. Either that or they are kinda strange people too. Well, however things may be, I need to thank them for travelling with me, laughing with me, waking me up in the morning for breakfast... Yeah, we were a pretty bonded group, enjoying the dizzying heights on the seventeen floor. Made a LOT of noise, partied a bit, bitched a lot... I think we became friends because these were the people without cultural differences. If there is one thing that I have realised, people are very cruel to those who insult their culture. Fundamental difference between two individuals, and ignorance is a poor excuse for being rude and disrespectful.

Was supposed to type a lot more, but I think I lost the flow of the entire post. Shall end here... Hopefully inspiration strikes and I go into more detail about the trip.

"It is often the things we cannot see that shape the person we become."

Asakusa

Playlist

Random typing/clicking

Using a computer other then my own is kinda tough. Superbly unused to the keyboard and the font and everything. On top of that it has been ages since I last used a desktop PC so things are kinda weird. 

Anyhow, this will be a super short post because a) Using computer in the hostel as mentioned above, b) I am superbly tired because I had very little sleep last night as I took the night bus to Tokyo and c) Not sure what to type here? Yes, I am in Tokyo. Yes, I left Osaka. Yes, I will return to Osaka soon and yes, I will return home soon. I really miss you guys, no matter how little you have missed me, and I am definitely anticipating my return home. The first thing I will do when I go back would probably be to complain how hot and humid it is. And then I will look for Winter HAHA. My room had better be EMPTY and CLEAN my dear baby brother or I shall KILL YOU!

Hmm... Everyone has been asking me about the trip and after 5.5 weeks in Japan, mostly spent in class at the Centre, I think I can give you an answer? Japan has been everything I expected and some more and less. A good thing and a bad thing, because while I would dearly love to return again, I cannot see myself heading to neither Osaka nor Tokyo in the near future. I've been out, here and there and nowhere and also everywhere. Maybe I have had an overdose of Japan on my first visit, but I really think that Japan is kinda boring after a while? Things get so predictable and there isn't any real stimulation? Temple after temple with a few shrines thrown in for good measure. Everything is lined straight and clean and its just so... Japanese. Not that a mess is preferred, but after NY? It feels strange...

Quite tired because I spent most of the night trying to find a comfortable position to sleep on the bus. I think I successfully managed something like four to six hours, which is pretty decent. The recline was about 50 degrees, which was a great help? Quite a lot of legroom too. Even had a blanket to hug to sleep HAHA. Anyway we arrived in Shinjuku at around 6am? Crazy early for me to be walking about with a 4kg bag. Found a toilet, utterly disgusting and on par with some of the worst toilets I have seen; who says Japan has no dirty toilets OMG, cleaned up, and then proceeded to have breakfast at Starbucks to make myself feel better in the morning. The portion was tiny, so we went to Family Mart to get some onigiri... After that I trained to Asakusa to deposit my luggage with the hostel. My first train station was from Shinjuku, which was a nightmare. So many different trains going in so many different directions and so many people everywhere and so many signs and so many colours and OMG I just wanted to die. I have no idea how I got to Asakusa but I did. HURHUR. I had planned to make  trip to the East Imperial Gardens in the morning, but my bag was far too heavy to lug around, so I gave in and just went to the hostel. Not like coin lockers in Tokyo are cheap...

Anyway, ended up not going to the Imperial Palace Gardens first because I was kinda tired, and instead walked to the Kannon Temple. The number of tourists there is freaky. Its such a huge tourist trap! If I had come to Tokyo before walking around in Osaka for the past month, I would have probably been hoodwinked by them. As things were, the visit was very fast since I was not sidelined by other distractions. From there I went to a craft museum in this secluded part of the city, had lunch at Matsuya, beef don again, and went shopping. Bought shorts for my mum, magazine for a friend's sister and then proceeded to be a stupid idiot and went to the Imperial Gardens.

Why am I a stupid idiot? Because the gardens were a huge BORE and there was not enough shade and there were slopes everywhere with nothing too exciting to see and I WAS TIRED. I assure you that the Gardens are not worth getting tanned for. Anyway I hastily got out of there and, yes I wasted my money commuting around like a dumbo in a country that has such EXPENSIVE transportation, and went back to Asakusa. By then... I was tired, stinky, superbly dehydrated, hungry and dying to hide in some shade. Gave up and went a hunting for a cheap bottle of isotonic drink. After that I went into 7Eleven and promptly bought 2 bento sets as my dinner and 2litres of water. Was happy to receive a bottle of lemon tea thanks to some Tohoshinki X 7Eleven promotion that was being held. THANK YOU TOHO~ Walked back to my hostel, checked in, carted 3kg of food and a 5kg bag and my heavy tote bag up four flights of stairs. I think I am awesome HAHA. Unpacked, ate, showered, chilled a bit and now here I am typing this short post that has miraculously expanded far beyond what I had planned to type.

Anyway, I have been drinking a lot of water, so don't worry about me? And as you can tell, I am avoiding about half the mischief that the world can possibly get into by staying in my hostel after 6pm? Not sure if I will repeat this experience tomorrow but I promise to be cautious. This city is no where as friendly as Osaka, although I did meet a nice lady who taught me how to get to Asakusa. Seems like it is the norm in Tokyo to stare at the Metropolitan map for ages. Even the local Japanese people do that. Maybe figuring out the cheapest route to wherever they are headed? Can totally understand why.

Rooming in a eight person mixed dorm with 4 other people from JENESYS. Other than 2 girls, all of us seem to have different plans all the time. So yes, I am soloing Tokyo. Its fun to do things your way, but its not fun when you cannot share your experiences with others... Oh well, win some lose some. Not much time left because I will be flying back to home on Wednesday morning. Should reach Changi late afternoon to evening. I expect the flight to be rather enjoyable because its gonna be noise personified. Not like they can throw us off the plane HAHA. Just slightly worried about luggage but I think I should be fine if SQ closes one eye? Have to cart books and boxes of food back so things are likely to be on the heavy side. Will have to see how things go...

Okay, this is seriously way too long! Nights world. Should leave because there seems to be this crazy woman resident trying to troubleshoot a spoilt computer and she keeps swearing. Thing is there is an available, functional computer next to her? Does not understand.

"Perhaps there were no differences to begin with. All a matter of perception..."

Shirahama

Playlist

Numb by Linkin Park

Superbly emotional and angsty song for someone so happy, but I felt that there was a need to revisit my old songs. Wanted to go sing karaoke with the gals from our floor but... Yeah some other people got there first. Really annoyed with some of the people from the programme. I know I sound mean and racist, but I cannot help but classify them according to their country? I bet they think that all Singaporeans are noisy and annoying too. Shall not blame them, but come on, I'm entitled to a bit of bitching for all the shit that I've had to bear with for the past 5 weeks. Call me two faced, but I try to maintain good relationships with people that I need to work with? Even if I hate your guts, I'd be nice until I really don't need you anymore? And your utility just expried along with the last presenatation? From now on you are nothing more than trash to me. Someone who gets in the way of me playing with the people I like at the places I like.

OH! I need to talk about Shirahama! Superbly hot. It was beautiful in this really natural way? Clean beaches, cliffs and various rock formations. And I find that soaking myself in the onsen seems to make my knee feel better? Perhaps the hot water numbs the pain; not too sure, but it has hurt less since I returned from soaking in 2 different onsens in Shirahama. Yeah, I must be crazy to head to a beach resort to soak in onsens in summer but hey, how often do you get an opportunity like this? The thing about Shirahama is that there is actually very little truly useful English information available on the Internet, so if you want to head there and need assisstance, do feel free to contact me? Always willing to help more people enjoy the place. 

Not many foreigners in Shirahama, although there are English signs once you get there. Its predominantly a Japanese tourist spot, so expect things to be expensive and English information to be scarce. There are buses that traverse the whole of Shirahama, and a pass is not too expensive if you are not inclined to track around in the blazing hot sun up and down slopes. An umbrella, plenty of water and sunblock are probably your best friends? Sunglasses help but if you don't want an uneven face tan, I would recommend a sun umbrella. Train ride, I took the local train, was rather long and we had to change trains 4 times. Not easy if you don't have access to the train schedules and can't read Japanese. Its times like this where I am glad I have a pretty decent command of kanji and a good sense of direction. Superbly easy to get lost along the way, or waste time by boarding the wrong train at the various stations.

Once you are at Shirahama, it is all sun, sand and sea. I would reccomend a more reputable hotel if you want awesome seafood for meals and an unrivalled view of the sea. Otherwise, a small minshoku would provide you with breakfast and a public bath on top of a super comfy Japanese tatami room with facilities. I chose the more economical route and had fun, so if you alright with hunting for your meals and walking a bit more to reach your hotel, its quite fun to pick a less popular hotel. Shops in Shirahama close pretty early as many people chose to eat in their hotels or go home (most are here only for a day trip as it really is a pretty small place), so nightlife is pretty much absent. Not much shopping either, so I think its prefect for a weekend getaway? Nothing more than that though.

Something surprising about Japan would be that the check in time is 3pm and the checkout time is usually 10am. Unlike the rest of the world that allows you to check in at 2pm and check out at 12pm, you really need to get up early even if you were up most of the night drinking. Otherwise, just follow most of the basic manners and you'll be fine even your Japanese is pathetic. The only thing that annoyed me was the banner. You know how ryokans will write down the names of the people who are staying over that night and hang it out at the front door? Because I booked with my gaijin name, I didnt get one of those. Which is superbly racist, but who am I to judge? After all I did not even give my credit card number, and there was no way they would have known if I would be a no show. Sigh. Nevertheless, it would have been nice if they had put it up. I would have recommended my place if they had, but because they did not... Well... I shall leave it to you guys to decide if you want discriminatory service.

Heading to Hiroshima tomorrow and I have no idea how I should pack. Thing is that I will also be going to Tokyo, leaving sometime around 7pm on Friday, so I am unsure of what I should bring along. Right now, Tokyo is a HUGE question mark. All I know is that I want to go to the Imperial Garden, head over to Ikebokuro to see if I can get some shopping done, see people in Harajuku and Shibuya and while my time away in quaint areas. Which might be a problem, because Osaka is known for the culture and stuff? It would be easier to while time away in Kyoto actually? Kind of regretting my decision to head to Tokyo now. It might have been fun to go to Kyoto once more and do more artsy stuff? Or look for Ura Umeda and do some more shopping. It is embarrassing, but I think I got caught up in all the hype and did not really think about what I would be doing and all that...

Sigh, we all do stupid things now and then. I really hope this would not be my stupidest thing? Because it would really be horrible if things do not work out. Shall I just hope for the best? Not much I can do now... Unless I manage to find someone who is willing to swap with me and take my place to Tokyo? Sighs.

Shall go pack my bag now. I sincerely hope that Hiroshima does not turn into a fabulous blazing disaster of epic proportions.

"You are the result of the choices you make."

Demon

Playlist

Before You Go by TVXQ

So many annoying things happened today. To begin with, there was the case of the lazy group mate who likes to order people around while slacking. There was the case of the stupid camwhoring bitches in my gym. The karaoke crashing bitch who stuck to me and stole my songs. And then there was the case of the parent who, while complaining that my trips overseas are expensive, told me to take the Shinkansen to Tokyo. I am not a patient person. I have a very low tolerance for irritating people. I mean, there is only so much that you can overlook as ignorance, jokes and culturally differences. And the thing about people is that, no matter where you go, the type of people that you encounter is about the same? There will always be unreasonable people, no mater race, religion or creed.

My knee hurts. I think I have been doing too many lunges and jumping jacks. Remember my old knee injury? Well, it has come back to haunt me, and at a time where I don't have a knee guard to wear to make things better? Sighs. I need to put less weight on my knees. I should lose weight to make my knees have an easier job. And that will mean that I need to change my diet because I am currently injured and unable to head out to run nor gym much. Sighs. It never rains but pours.

I need a break from studying. Like a proper break to go and play and not think about anything academic related. Its quite scary how I have so little self confidence now? I used to be the person who was always sure about how things would proceed, or at the very least, knew what she was capable of. Now? I feel as if I have lost sight of what I was looking for, and am now wandering around in the darkness. Its strange. I think it started in New York and became worse? Surrounded with too many awesome people and forced to take more onto my plate than necessary because you need to outdo the others. Why do you need to outdo people? Because you were taught to do so. Because no matter what others say about taking a break, you know full well that if you do, the insults and complains will definitely come hard and fast. Because you know that you are nothing but mediocre in a sea of talented people, and you do your best to hide this fact. And the weight of hiding your weaknesses kill you after a while.

Some say that being an adult means that you know how to deal with stress. But from what I see, it is just the people who gave up and resigned themselves who say this. It is the people who have people to rely who can afford to say this. Who will I rely on? Who can I rely on? No one. The answer is there, always there, painfully placed right in front of you in case you ever dare to forget that you are nothing but a useless piece of carbon dioxide producing trash. Everyday you are reminded of how little you are worth, how little people think of you, how little you matter to people. I know Asians tend to be less vocal about favour, but to the extent that you will probably never hear anything? Seriously painful. They say I should know. They say I should be able to infer. But it sounds like excuses. It sounds like an excuse to put me down because you are afraid that I will stand out. It sounds like an excuse for you to refuse to see me as an adult capable of making logical decisions. It sounds like lies you tell to yourself to make yourself to feel better, and you are trying to force me into your sense of reality.

Now that I think about it, the turning point must have been when she said that I would never be important. No matter what she tells me now, it cannot detract from that statement made that night in the darkness. People say that things said ina fit of anger and sadness are never really accurate, but it doesn't change the fact that I was told that I was told by one of the most important person to me that I was insignificant. In fact I was told I was beyond insignificant. Unforgivable. No matter how much I smile and how much I say I am alright, it is a lie. Hurt so deeply it never shows. Cracks that appear on the surface belie the severity of the situation. Never mentioned. Never discussed. As if it would go away if we pretended that there was nothing to begin with. Ignore all of it and it will resolve itself. Lies. Such lies we tell ourselves. Most hurts go away, but things like this never ever leave you. It changes how you see the world, changes how you react, changes what you are. Which might be why I am so afraid of loving people. Which might be why I hightail the moment someone says they love me. Don't give me hopes just to dash them on the ground.

Demons from the past rearing their ugly heads to torment me...

"I just want to run away and never look back. Wash away these memories so I can start anew."

Waiting

Playlist

I Don't Know - TVXQ

Wow. I actually really like Tohoshinki. Or TVXQ. Whatever you want to call them. I like the two-man team thank you very much. I know the old school fans of TVXQ are probably screaming at me for this, but I think 5 people performing in a team definitely means someone gets overshadowed at any point in time. And SME is nothing like YG where different songs feature different people and where each person is encouraged to do their own album anytime? So yeah. I like ChangMin and YunHo. Not such a big fan of Junsu and the rest so... Yeah. TVXQ~ Cannot wait for their new single.Its released on the very day that I leave for Japan though so I think I can forget about getting it here? Oh well. The Interent is amazing.

Heading to Shirahama for the beach and the onsens this Saturday. Will be back on Sunday? Going to Hiroshima with the school next Wednesday and will be back on Thursday. Going to Tokyo on the night bus on Friday night and will return to the centre for class on Tuesday. Flying off for Singapore on Wednesday. I need to start packing my things... Not like I have a lot of things so I should be fine... I hope? Already came with an overweight bag so I doubt things will change that much? Just adding a few more sets of clothing, one pair of shoes and a lot more books. If I don't buy much in Tokyo, Shirahama and Hiroshima, I think I should have no problems at all. Been living out of a suitcase for something like 3months so things become much easier...

Glad that I will be leaving soon. There are a few people who have been getting on my nerves, and even though I am making friends with other people, it is rather difficult to counter the annoyance I feel. Just going to grin and bear with it until next Tuesday, which is my final presentation. After that, the gloves are off and I'm game for whatever nonsense you can throw at me. I can make your life miserable if I wanted to? Its just that considering the welfare of the people I like who have to see your face and work with you... I will be nice on their behalf so that things don't get out of hand. So yes. Until then I need to keep my cool...

Been running out of things to do. I think I miss home? Singapore is boring, but its boring in a familiar way? Holidays are nice, but you want to go home because that is where your bed and pillow is. It is where you have a cupboard full of clothes, and where all your posters and books are. Its where you have little nooks and crannies to keep your trinkets, where you discover long lost things which you accidentally stuffed away. A hotel room couldn't be like this. Its a place that has memories attached, and where you will be unwelcomed. Its a place where you can be yourself, without make up, without pretty clothes and feel comfortable. Its home. Family helps. Pets help. But I think it is the acceptance. Somewhere to really call your own for all time. Its is a beautiful experience.

Been working out quite a bit since I decided on going to Shirahama for a trip. Can you imagine showing people my flabby body? So I've been gyming everyday. I know it is nearly impossible to make me cut down on my food intake and diet properly, so more exercise is the only way around it? I hardly expand any energy in Japan so its rather difficult? I sit for about 6 hours a day in class and the distance between buildings and classrooms are negligible. Just a short 30 second walk away. Which is why I need to work harder to remove the fats. I've already put on a scary 5kg so I need to work out more. Thing is, my knee hurts. Old injury from last year. So I'm not too sure how I will proceed? Abs are easy? Its the thighs that are my trouble spot. Arms are fine because of my build? Sighs. I need to lose the excess weight fast... Don't want to be a fat pig on the beach...

Tired. Been only getting an average of 5 hours of sleep every night and things get even worse on the weekends because I wake up early to head to town. Oh wells. I should try to sleep earlier? I know it should clear my eyebags and improve my complexion. Eyes tire easily at night too. I should rest when given the opportunity. Will surely suffer again when the stupid school term starts once more. I want to go on LOA. No real mood to study because everything seems annoying. Yeah, I am just tired, been studying for too long. I think I need an extended break. Will have to see how things go after this...

I want to wait for you every night, but I am tired of feeling like I'm waiting for divine interjection for us to interact. I want to talk to you and make you laugh, but it feels like you cannot be bothered with me. Perhaps I am just being too sensitive, but honestly? It feels as if I am not important enough for you to speak to me every two days? I think I have only spoken to you, properly, twice in these 5 weeks. I'm not sure about you, but I think its hard to communicate if I have to stuff everything that I want to say into a few hours. I'm not angry, just disappointed?

"疑心暗鬼の華は咲くたからかに/渡る世は鬼ばかり/きぐれにみを任せる/ぎんと幕と春びように"