Divide

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New Divide by Linkin Park

I was eating ice cream last night. Eating ice cream and thinking about the things I'd done, things I am about to do, things I should have done and most importantly, the things that I want to do. They say that dreams are stuff we think of when we are sleeping and are just dreams, and others say that dreams are the stuff that keeps our reality from being too grim. I was thinking about my dreams. Or rather, the rather troubling lack of them. I do not have a 'real' dream. Like there is something that I must do before I die. Maybe its a sign of a privileged upbringing. Maybe its a sign of just how depraved I am to not have the slightest inkling of what I want. The absence and presence of anything distinct in my future has no real effect on me. When people start talking about their future career path, about their dream home, ideal wedding, preferred boyfriend qualities... My response is devoid of desire. I really have no idea. Its not that I never thought of it. I certainly have. I've tried creating possible outcomes. I've tried through the process of elimination. Nothing crops up. Everything disappears. Maybe my ideal is too far removed from the normal sphere of thought. Maybe.

I kind of hate myself. Because I know I've hurt my friends. One prime example is a perfectly decent person, which is why I can consider her a friend. I feel guilty everytime I see her because of what I did and what I did not do. I was one of those who contributed to her suffering. I did not stand up for what I believed in. In short, I was an accomplice in the act of bullying. Yes. Ugly, disgusting practice that occurs even in a class of young adults. I stopped. But the very fact that I was part of it for a moment makes my skin crawl when I think about it. I'm not friends with her because I pity her. I'm friends with her becuase I realised that she's an interesting, caring and responsible person. Among other less tangible reasons. I hate myself for hurting someone I like. Yeah, I definitely like her. Which is why I bother to listen to her, reply SMSes and all the things that you do when you care for someone.

I am about to embark on a journey that will change me as a person. I will meet new people, old accquaintences that I thought I left behind, and old enemies that I want to leave behind. I will see things that I had rather not see, and I will learn things that I have always wanted to know. I will gain things, and inadvertedbly lose things along the way. I may become someone I would hate now. I may very well turn into a pillar of exemplary conduct. HAHA. In short, I will change. If you see signs of me turning into this fugly monster snarling and snapping away, I hope you will correct my habits. I cannot promise that I shan't swear and try to rip you to shreds, but for the benefit of mankind... I do hope you understand.

This is a short post because I am in no mood for lenghty self analysis. If I look too hard at myself and my life, I am bound to find an entire wall of scratches, dirt, grime and all sort of nasty stuff. Its like straing at your reflection in the mirror. After the novelty of self-awareness is over, you start noticing the pimples. The scars. Messy hair. Slight irregularities here and there. And then you see a monster staring back at you in the mirror. Unpleasant experience. Yes, you can say that I have poor self-esteem. My ego is my weakness and strength. I can only be hurt by the people who matter to me. I could not care less about what the general human population thinks of me, but if my friends or family was to say I look fat or ugly... I think my world would come crashing down. HAHA. So the entire fiasco with my family? Yeah, talk to me and you can start to see the numerous scars. yes, I was badly hurt. Dragged through an emotional mill. Barbed wires, bazookas, bombs. Torn apart and hastily put back together for my final exams. I'm not surprised my grades are a mess. And the people responsible for it blame me for being afffected. Bloody hypocrites. I shall not dwell on this. Else I'll probably never end this post. Lets just leave it at the admission that I have not been happy since the day it all began.

"Loving someone makes you weak, but those who are truly strong knows that it is not true weakness."