Worth

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Vampire Depression by VAMPS

I think I'm going to be murdered for this blog post. But I think I'd feel like I'm a terrible friend if I didn't post this. The content, as a disclaimer as you know how much I like to warn people, is going to make you pissy. Like real pissy. So if you're just going to get mad and NOT THINK about why and what all these mean, please shelve and read this some other time. I'm your friend. I'm not a puppet. I'm not a parrot. I'm not polishing apples and licking boots. I'm saying this because you need it. It hurts and you can say I don't understand, but then again, how much of ANYTHING can we claim to understand? So yes. In bad mood now? DON'T READ. I never remove posts, as you all know, so you can read this after you cool down and calm down. I don't want to hurt you, but I think you need to think about this as well.

Humans are selfish. Selfless humans are virtually non-existant. I'm selfish. So are you. And everyone else out there. We want people to love us and be with us and care for us and do what we want them to do. Parents love their children, not the children of their colleagues and neighbours. We care for our friends, and not for random people. We cannot really connect beyond our community, so those who seem more caring just have a larger group encompassed within their definition of community. What am I trying to say? I'm in your community. I sincerely want to help you. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for there to be any negatoive outcome of everything that I do and say. Nevertheless, life is never really the way that we dream and envision it to be. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I'm sorry for being the one who did it. I'm really sorry. If you cannot forgive my good intentions, I can understand. There are some things that you never forgive, no matter who it is. I'm sorry.

I'm someone who wants to live up to expectations. I work very very hard not to disappoint. I'd jump through hoops of fire if it meant I could make the people I love smile. Of course there are negative expectations, and in those situations, its a circle of hurting each other. But overall? I've always worked hard to deliver what was expected and needed. My parents wanted good grades, so I study like my life depends upon it. My CCA mates need someone to rely on, so I become as dependable as I can be. I don't have to like it, I'll just do it if it ought to be done. Which may be the problem with me. You see, there are no emotions involved, and there is no issue of not possible. Especially with regard to my parents. If my parents wanted me to become a doctor, I think I would be studying medicine now. Its that simple. There is no room for failure, no room for non-performance. If it didn't come true, I think some part of my existence would cease to be. Some part of me would lose its meaning. So I fight to live by fighting to meet expectations. And thats the difference between you and me. 

You see, even if you failed, you would still have options. Even if things went wrong, there would always be a back door route for you. Its not the same for me, because I have no alternative. If I stray off the path, all I'd get is darkness. I cannot turn back and I cannot make a detour. I have to walk the path laid ahead of me to prove my existence. Of course, all the self-help books would tell you to break away and recreate your boundaries. Cross the border. Think out of the box. And other cliches. Well, I think people who don't even know that it is a box cannot escape. And even if you got out of the box, all you'd get is a bigger box. You're trapped forever, as long as you exist within that identity and body. You can't get away, as you disappear if you leave the path created for you. And like any other self preserving and selfish human being, I need to stay alive, which is why I'm where I am today. I can only be here. I cannot exist elsewhere. I sincerely hope that you can understand the difference between us now. It isn't that I'm smarter or faster or richer or better or anything. I'm just fighting desperately for survival while its a game for you. You can restart the game. reroll the dice. Me? All I have is one path out of this.

I'm not trying to make you sympathise with me. I don't need pity, because this is the only way I have. You don't pity an insect for having an exoskeleton. You don't pity a fish for not being able to breathe out of water. It just is the way things are. My way of life is the only one I know. Rather, why not try to make the best of your own situation? To me, I'm fine with the way I am because I have no alternative. You won't see me in parallel universes because there are no other choices for me to make. I have only one path. For you who has an alternative, why not explore you other options? If you were to realise that its a dead end on this path, why not change to another path? You can make the switch. All it needs is a bit of faith and some effort. Infinitely better then me who, no matter the effort and faith, will never be able to swap for anything else.

I hope you understand what I mean. I left this a wee bit obscure, I know. If you need clarification, tell me? I'll be here. No matter when, I'll be here for you, waiting.

"What is worth? Someone please tell me...?"