Playlist
dog run by SID
From their new album deadstock that was released a while back. I feel guilty because I have only been listening to Big Bang's new mini-album, totally ignoring SID. Oh well, I did get around to listening to everything on deadstock, so I feel betetr now. Long commutes are awesome for listening to music. Which reminds me that I need to come up with a way to survive the flight to New York. I think my Tofu cannot withstand so many hours of continuous music playing. I will probably sleep a large part of the flight, but I need music to sleep when I travel. Unless I am dog tired. Like now? If I wanted to I could conk out on the table right about now. I have been functioning on about 4 hours of sleep recently. Not a good idea for my general mental well-being. No wonder I fell ill.
I have been doing things that I am not proud of. I guess it is because I am desperate. Trying to hold on. Trying to come on top. Trying to stay alive. I am someone who is driven. If I want something very badly, I will stop at nothing to get it. Its like how I did my CAT assignment. Was failing throughout, and suddenly I realised that I needed to do well to pass. And miraculously, I managed to solve the VBA question. Miracles do happen. But there have been bad stuff too. Like losing Nationals by 2 points. Like getting embroiled in the whole "not committed to CAT project group" fiasco. I know some people will say that I am being totally bimbotic by rambling on about my own problems when Japan is in a mess, Libya is in a mess and the economy is still crawling on its hands and feet. But my stance is simple, this is my life. If I was Japan I would blog about how I am suffering in the aftermath. But I'm so far away. And the here always feels a hundred times more painful when compared to the distant suffereing of strangers you have no knowledge of. And every moment I live is like breathing toxic fumes which hurt.
Everywhere hurts. Not physically, I heal fast so I'm totally fine from the 3 day hiatus from training. No, its my emotional and psychological state that is taking a beating. I think I was really stupid to want to let you go, but since I decided, the stubborn cow part of me refuses to allow me to go back on what I have concluded. Its simple. I think, no, I know, you will do much better without me. We aren't meant for each other. Maybe in our next lives we could be together under less conflicted terms. I think we missed our chance in this life, and there is no way to go back, so let's move forward. If I keep looking back, I will just fall apart and crumble. I'm just pulling myself with sheer willpower and determination.
I think sometimes I think too much. I am too convinced of my own righteousness. I am a selfish and immature prig, but I refuse to accept this when people put it in front of me. You can say I am proud, you can make fun of me and all and I'd be able to laugh it all. But if you were to say that I was wrong... I think unless I really respect you, its an uphill battle to even get me to listen. I know this, I know I need to change. Its difficult though. So hard to believe what other people say, so hard to think that what they say is important. I'm too used to prattling to fill in the blanks. Too used to thinking I am right.
I need to find something to suck away all my free time. Every single minute of it. So much so that I cannot think of anything extra, I cannot doubt people. I need to drown myself in my everyday. I need to do things to prove to myself that I am not useless and that I can be fabulous too. I am insecure. I need someone to tell em that I am good. I need people to love me before I can love myself. I need affection and attention. I am superbly emotionally high maintenance. I think you can't deal with this. I know I cannot, so I don't blame you. But if both of us cannot keep us together, then let us part since I am the one pulling you down.
"Wishes and dreams under a sky of blood tears."
Everywhere hurts. Not physically, I heal fast so I'm totally fine from the 3 day hiatus from training. No, its my emotional and psychological state that is taking a beating. I think I was really stupid to want to let you go, but since I decided, the stubborn cow part of me refuses to allow me to go back on what I have concluded. Its simple. I think, no, I know, you will do much better without me. We aren't meant for each other. Maybe in our next lives we could be together under less conflicted terms. I think we missed our chance in this life, and there is no way to go back, so let's move forward. If I keep looking back, I will just fall apart and crumble. I'm just pulling myself with sheer willpower and determination.
I think sometimes I think too much. I am too convinced of my own righteousness. I am a selfish and immature prig, but I refuse to accept this when people put it in front of me. You can say I am proud, you can make fun of me and all and I'd be able to laugh it all. But if you were to say that I was wrong... I think unless I really respect you, its an uphill battle to even get me to listen. I know this, I know I need to change. Its difficult though. So hard to believe what other people say, so hard to think that what they say is important. I'm too used to prattling to fill in the blanks. Too used to thinking I am right.
I need to find something to suck away all my free time. Every single minute of it. So much so that I cannot think of anything extra, I cannot doubt people. I need to drown myself in my everyday. I need to do things to prove to myself that I am not useless and that I can be fabulous too. I am insecure. I need someone to tell em that I am good. I need people to love me before I can love myself. I need affection and attention. I am superbly emotionally high maintenance. I think you can't deal with this. I know I cannot, so I don't blame you. But if both of us cannot keep us together, then let us part since I am the one pulling you down.
"Wishes and dreams under a sky of blood tears."
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