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Love Song by Big Bang

This is my 300th post! Celebrations are in order! It took me about... 3 years? So I guess I post an average of 100posts per year, which brings us to about one post every 3 days. Quite a feeat if I say so myself? After all, there were periods where I disappeared for a while, too caught up with my suffering/fun to post. Or just too lazy to compose my thoughts and write a proper essay on how I feel. or just at a loss as to how to express what I am feeling and decided that I should not be childish and just rant. Regardless of what I have said or have not said over the years, I think being able to continue a blog is a kind of achievement on its own. Being honest to yourself and doing my utmost not to create nonsense to contribute to the growing presence of rubbish on the Interne... Hey, I think I get a paragraph of bragging rights?

The older I get and the more I reflect, the more conflicted I think I am. So many things that I say I believe in, but when push comes to shove, my behaviour is superbly erratic. I wish I could tell you that I am someone who practices what she preaches. Or even that I am a total hypocrite and that I cannot be trusted to do things right. The maddening things is that my behaviour alters according to the situation, so much so that while I am a hypocrite, I think there are quite a few who have witnessed the 'resilience' of my mind.

I'm not trying to lie to anyone intentionally, which probably only makes it worse. I'm the kind of person who had rather you cheat on me because you wanted me to pay more attention to you, rather than not cheat on me and just let the relationship die out. Ok, the previous sentence was really convoluted, but you get the idea. I think it is difficult to live for other people, so its hard for me to pretend to like other people or do things that I dislike? I can be polite about it, and I can smoke to cover my ass but... Sigh, I wonder why I am behaving like this...

Getting rather moody. I wish I could fall in love with someone other than myself. So scary how I feel so empty inside. I smile and decline people, saying the words that no apology will ever rectify. I find flaws in people because they refuse to accept the fact that I cannot love anyone. I always tell the other party: " I think it won't work out because I cannot bring myself to like anything from the bottom of my heart." And none of them have ever believed me. I had to tell them that I liked someone else. Or that I didn't like something about them. Why? The fact that you cannot believe and understand how I cannot like someone is reason enough to not continue. If you had told me and asked to continue as friends, there might have been a chance, because I fall in love with all my good friends but... SIGH. You will never read this and will never understand this.

I am getting sad just from typing this out. So many things you never manage to say in person. So many things that never come out the way you want them too. I think our lives are full of regrets and missed opportunities that make us want to knock our heads against the wall.

I shall go back to drooling at the dance moves that guys can do. Yes, I should be studying for my finals :(

"You said it wouldn't be so, but you lied..."