Insignificant

Playlist

Stupid Liar by Big Bang

I love the fact that Big Bang is back form their 2.3 year hiatus. Not that I have loved them from 2 years ago, but it means that I have more stuff to add to my music library. It was getting a wee bit old in there.

It is now Study Week, and I have been trying to study for the past week, but you know me. I need a decent level of stress to be able to function properly. And the fact that the real hardcore papers are the last 2 days of the entire exam period is not helping to boost my studying morale. I'm in this happy holiday state which is, honestly, worrying the rationale part of me. Not that I have not been doing ANY work, I am too rational for that, but I have not been working sufficiently hard. And I'm disappointed with myself.

I know I really should be more hardworking and I know my grades need the extra effort, but I am in no mood to slog like a cow. Or a horse. And I think my final grade is going to reflect this lack of commitment. I shall start mourning for my grades now. Wait, I should be studying rather than mourning OMG. I've got the order totally wrong.... So many things that could have been put aside, and was not. So many things that should have been done and was left alone. So many things that have been hurled into the room of regret, and I think I might need another such room again. Too many things that make me sigh when I look back.

Has been a long time since I blogged, to the extent that I wonder what I should say. Passing emotions were expressed at Tumblr. Random thoughts that float through my head were dumped on Twitter. I think the onslaught of social media has made it such that thoughts lose their value. How much value can each tweet have? Its reads like random spewings of a semi-crazed person, what with rants and random comments here and there. Conversations with others pepper your tweets, and the general feeling is a never ending MSN conversation. Tumblr is better, but it allows you to be lazy. You can post photos and videos and they even have a template for conversations. So very easy to make yourself heard. So easy to express yourself. So easy to lose yourself.

I think thoughts are important because it needs to go through the workings of your brain. You need to observe and infer and come to a conclusion before expressing your opinion. This task becomes even more difficult once you include the dimension of conveying it succintly. On Twitter, I would just mouth whatever I observe. On Tumblr, I just dump the raw data and allow you to come to your own conclusions. I can be as lazy as I want without 'damaging' the experience. But what does it do for me? Nothing. Who listens? No one. Who cares to begin with? So much raw data. Good for sharing but who do I share this with? I might as well just put the links up there for the whole world to access in their free time. Good riddance to personal opinion and takeaways from the experience.

So what happens to experience? I know experience is over-rated, but it isn't over-rated to THIS extent. There is value in falling and tripping and rolling up your sleeves to get your hands dirty. There is value in composing an entire blog post from start to end with decent reasoning and logical assumptions. It is not easy. It can be tiring. It is definitely time consuming, but when I look back at my blog posts, I can't help but smile at the memories. So many things that I was worried about, so many flavours depending on the situation and my mood. The things I love and loved, so many people I met, so many worries... It makes me feel glad that time has passed and I've grown and learnt from these things that I have chronicled. It is not the same for Tumblr. I look back at my posts and sometimes wonder what I was trying to tell people. Was I in a bad mood and being angsty? Or was I just trying to be cool and tough and dug out something 'emo'? I wonder too much for me to be happy with what I'm posting. Which is why even though I may have disappeared from here for a while, I always come back. The perfect relationship, not forced to stay, allowed to roam, and always welcome when I return. Now I just need to find a guy who is like this. I'd love him forever.

You may think I think too much. You may think I am unnecessarily conplicating things by looking at it at from the weirdest angle possible. Its ok, I somethimes think the same of myself as well. Th thing is, this place is meant for me to talk to my future self. Sure, to communicate my thoughts to my friends as well, but... The audience isn't exactly you. It is kinda myself. I want to see what happened to the adrenaline-loving, solo dance-loving, tako mouth girl. I want to remember how the years have been cruel. I want to remember all the beautiful emotions that I experienced. I want to fall in love with myself every time I read my blog. Myself for being flawed and imperfect and so very perfect. Call it self-love. Call it pride and arrogance. I believe in loving myself because no one will ever understand, and at the same time, not understand me as much as myself.

"Am I that easy to love? Am I that easy to leave?