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I Think You Know by TVXQ

I"m back home! Finally home after about 3 months overseas. Its good to be back? I missed my bed and my room and the kaya in my fridge. Its good to see my family again, and to go back to a place which will alwasy be waiting for you. Unpacked my bags and realised I brought way too much clothing for Japan. Should have packed more of my dresses and less separates. Easier to match and takes up less space. And totally should not have listened to them. Bringing formal wear takes up too much space. I could have brought a pair of boots if I wanted...

Singapore is much easier to live in than Japan? Trainsportation and food is crazy expensive. Not too sure about housing but from what I can tell, it is comparable to local levels. Perhaps it was a good thing that I declined Waseda. I mean, yes, last opportunity to go on exchange as a student, but I feel that sucking my parents dry to have fun is not necessarily the best course of action. So yeah, maybe it was the guilt that made me decline. But I think that if I was truly passionate about it, I would have forged ahead without a care. The fact that I did not just goes to show that I was not prepared to go there for a year. Not like Tokyo is THAT interesting.

JENESYS was fun. Met a lot of people that I would not have had the opportunity to meet if I had spent my days in Singapore. Spoke quite a bit of Japanese, and I am convinced that I would like to continue learning the language. Of course, I need to do a lot more work, but I think I should be fine if I work a little bit harder and put in more effort. That is mainly what is lacking...

Wanted to say a lot of things, but now that I look back at the time spent, a lot of the stuff that I felt were major turning points seem to be nothing but minor bumps in the road. Not so important that I should go on and on about what happened. And I realised that we always tend to put down negative thoughts? I should pen more positive things. Not sure why, but I sometimes get the feeling that people are trying to boast if they talk about good stuff? As if somewhere along the way, it became a crime to be happy. So to try and make things happy, I'm going to talk about all the wonderful people I met in JENESYS!

First things first, everyone I get along with are nice people. I have no idea why, ok, maybe I do and I think its because I am such a demanding person, that the only people who can get along well with me are people who are rather tolerant of others. Either that or they are kinda strange people too. Well, however things may be, I need to thank them for travelling with me, laughing with me, waking me up in the morning for breakfast... Yeah, we were a pretty bonded group, enjoying the dizzying heights on the seventeen floor. Made a LOT of noise, partied a bit, bitched a lot... I think we became friends because these were the people without cultural differences. If there is one thing that I have realised, people are very cruel to those who insult their culture. Fundamental difference between two individuals, and ignorance is a poor excuse for being rude and disrespectful.

Was supposed to type a lot more, but I think I lost the flow of the entire post. Shall end here... Hopefully inspiration strikes and I go into more detail about the trip.

"It is often the things we cannot see that shape the person we become."

Asakusa

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Random typing/clicking

Using a computer other then my own is kinda tough. Superbly unused to the keyboard and the font and everything. On top of that it has been ages since I last used a desktop PC so things are kinda weird. 

Anyhow, this will be a super short post because a) Using computer in the hostel as mentioned above, b) I am superbly tired because I had very little sleep last night as I took the night bus to Tokyo and c) Not sure what to type here? Yes, I am in Tokyo. Yes, I left Osaka. Yes, I will return to Osaka soon and yes, I will return home soon. I really miss you guys, no matter how little you have missed me, and I am definitely anticipating my return home. The first thing I will do when I go back would probably be to complain how hot and humid it is. And then I will look for Winter HAHA. My room had better be EMPTY and CLEAN my dear baby brother or I shall KILL YOU!

Hmm... Everyone has been asking me about the trip and after 5.5 weeks in Japan, mostly spent in class at the Centre, I think I can give you an answer? Japan has been everything I expected and some more and less. A good thing and a bad thing, because while I would dearly love to return again, I cannot see myself heading to neither Osaka nor Tokyo in the near future. I've been out, here and there and nowhere and also everywhere. Maybe I have had an overdose of Japan on my first visit, but I really think that Japan is kinda boring after a while? Things get so predictable and there isn't any real stimulation? Temple after temple with a few shrines thrown in for good measure. Everything is lined straight and clean and its just so... Japanese. Not that a mess is preferred, but after NY? It feels strange...

Quite tired because I spent most of the night trying to find a comfortable position to sleep on the bus. I think I successfully managed something like four to six hours, which is pretty decent. The recline was about 50 degrees, which was a great help? Quite a lot of legroom too. Even had a blanket to hug to sleep HAHA. Anyway we arrived in Shinjuku at around 6am? Crazy early for me to be walking about with a 4kg bag. Found a toilet, utterly disgusting and on par with some of the worst toilets I have seen; who says Japan has no dirty toilets OMG, cleaned up, and then proceeded to have breakfast at Starbucks to make myself feel better in the morning. The portion was tiny, so we went to Family Mart to get some onigiri... After that I trained to Asakusa to deposit my luggage with the hostel. My first train station was from Shinjuku, which was a nightmare. So many different trains going in so many different directions and so many people everywhere and so many signs and so many colours and OMG I just wanted to die. I have no idea how I got to Asakusa but I did. HURHUR. I had planned to make  trip to the East Imperial Gardens in the morning, but my bag was far too heavy to lug around, so I gave in and just went to the hostel. Not like coin lockers in Tokyo are cheap...

Anyway, ended up not going to the Imperial Palace Gardens first because I was kinda tired, and instead walked to the Kannon Temple. The number of tourists there is freaky. Its such a huge tourist trap! If I had come to Tokyo before walking around in Osaka for the past month, I would have probably been hoodwinked by them. As things were, the visit was very fast since I was not sidelined by other distractions. From there I went to a craft museum in this secluded part of the city, had lunch at Matsuya, beef don again, and went shopping. Bought shorts for my mum, magazine for a friend's sister and then proceeded to be a stupid idiot and went to the Imperial Gardens.

Why am I a stupid idiot? Because the gardens were a huge BORE and there was not enough shade and there were slopes everywhere with nothing too exciting to see and I WAS TIRED. I assure you that the Gardens are not worth getting tanned for. Anyway I hastily got out of there and, yes I wasted my money commuting around like a dumbo in a country that has such EXPENSIVE transportation, and went back to Asakusa. By then... I was tired, stinky, superbly dehydrated, hungry and dying to hide in some shade. Gave up and went a hunting for a cheap bottle of isotonic drink. After that I went into 7Eleven and promptly bought 2 bento sets as my dinner and 2litres of water. Was happy to receive a bottle of lemon tea thanks to some Tohoshinki X 7Eleven promotion that was being held. THANK YOU TOHO~ Walked back to my hostel, checked in, carted 3kg of food and a 5kg bag and my heavy tote bag up four flights of stairs. I think I am awesome HAHA. Unpacked, ate, showered, chilled a bit and now here I am typing this short post that has miraculously expanded far beyond what I had planned to type.

Anyway, I have been drinking a lot of water, so don't worry about me? And as you can tell, I am avoiding about half the mischief that the world can possibly get into by staying in my hostel after 6pm? Not sure if I will repeat this experience tomorrow but I promise to be cautious. This city is no where as friendly as Osaka, although I did meet a nice lady who taught me how to get to Asakusa. Seems like it is the norm in Tokyo to stare at the Metropolitan map for ages. Even the local Japanese people do that. Maybe figuring out the cheapest route to wherever they are headed? Can totally understand why.

Rooming in a eight person mixed dorm with 4 other people from JENESYS. Other than 2 girls, all of us seem to have different plans all the time. So yes, I am soloing Tokyo. Its fun to do things your way, but its not fun when you cannot share your experiences with others... Oh well, win some lose some. Not much time left because I will be flying back to home on Wednesday morning. Should reach Changi late afternoon to evening. I expect the flight to be rather enjoyable because its gonna be noise personified. Not like they can throw us off the plane HAHA. Just slightly worried about luggage but I think I should be fine if SQ closes one eye? Have to cart books and boxes of food back so things are likely to be on the heavy side. Will have to see how things go...

Okay, this is seriously way too long! Nights world. Should leave because there seems to be this crazy woman resident trying to troubleshoot a spoilt computer and she keeps swearing. Thing is there is an available, functional computer next to her? Does not understand.

"Perhaps there were no differences to begin with. All a matter of perception..."

Shirahama

Playlist

Numb by Linkin Park

Superbly emotional and angsty song for someone so happy, but I felt that there was a need to revisit my old songs. Wanted to go sing karaoke with the gals from our floor but... Yeah some other people got there first. Really annoyed with some of the people from the programme. I know I sound mean and racist, but I cannot help but classify them according to their country? I bet they think that all Singaporeans are noisy and annoying too. Shall not blame them, but come on, I'm entitled to a bit of bitching for all the shit that I've had to bear with for the past 5 weeks. Call me two faced, but I try to maintain good relationships with people that I need to work with? Even if I hate your guts, I'd be nice until I really don't need you anymore? And your utility just expried along with the last presenatation? From now on you are nothing more than trash to me. Someone who gets in the way of me playing with the people I like at the places I like.

OH! I need to talk about Shirahama! Superbly hot. It was beautiful in this really natural way? Clean beaches, cliffs and various rock formations. And I find that soaking myself in the onsen seems to make my knee feel better? Perhaps the hot water numbs the pain; not too sure, but it has hurt less since I returned from soaking in 2 different onsens in Shirahama. Yeah, I must be crazy to head to a beach resort to soak in onsens in summer but hey, how often do you get an opportunity like this? The thing about Shirahama is that there is actually very little truly useful English information available on the Internet, so if you want to head there and need assisstance, do feel free to contact me? Always willing to help more people enjoy the place. 

Not many foreigners in Shirahama, although there are English signs once you get there. Its predominantly a Japanese tourist spot, so expect things to be expensive and English information to be scarce. There are buses that traverse the whole of Shirahama, and a pass is not too expensive if you are not inclined to track around in the blazing hot sun up and down slopes. An umbrella, plenty of water and sunblock are probably your best friends? Sunglasses help but if you don't want an uneven face tan, I would recommend a sun umbrella. Train ride, I took the local train, was rather long and we had to change trains 4 times. Not easy if you don't have access to the train schedules and can't read Japanese. Its times like this where I am glad I have a pretty decent command of kanji and a good sense of direction. Superbly easy to get lost along the way, or waste time by boarding the wrong train at the various stations.

Once you are at Shirahama, it is all sun, sand and sea. I would reccomend a more reputable hotel if you want awesome seafood for meals and an unrivalled view of the sea. Otherwise, a small minshoku would provide you with breakfast and a public bath on top of a super comfy Japanese tatami room with facilities. I chose the more economical route and had fun, so if you alright with hunting for your meals and walking a bit more to reach your hotel, its quite fun to pick a less popular hotel. Shops in Shirahama close pretty early as many people chose to eat in their hotels or go home (most are here only for a day trip as it really is a pretty small place), so nightlife is pretty much absent. Not much shopping either, so I think its prefect for a weekend getaway? Nothing more than that though.

Something surprising about Japan would be that the check in time is 3pm and the checkout time is usually 10am. Unlike the rest of the world that allows you to check in at 2pm and check out at 12pm, you really need to get up early even if you were up most of the night drinking. Otherwise, just follow most of the basic manners and you'll be fine even your Japanese is pathetic. The only thing that annoyed me was the banner. You know how ryokans will write down the names of the people who are staying over that night and hang it out at the front door? Because I booked with my gaijin name, I didnt get one of those. Which is superbly racist, but who am I to judge? After all I did not even give my credit card number, and there was no way they would have known if I would be a no show. Sigh. Nevertheless, it would have been nice if they had put it up. I would have recommended my place if they had, but because they did not... Well... I shall leave it to you guys to decide if you want discriminatory service.

Heading to Hiroshima tomorrow and I have no idea how I should pack. Thing is that I will also be going to Tokyo, leaving sometime around 7pm on Friday, so I am unsure of what I should bring along. Right now, Tokyo is a HUGE question mark. All I know is that I want to go to the Imperial Garden, head over to Ikebokuro to see if I can get some shopping done, see people in Harajuku and Shibuya and while my time away in quaint areas. Which might be a problem, because Osaka is known for the culture and stuff? It would be easier to while time away in Kyoto actually? Kind of regretting my decision to head to Tokyo now. It might have been fun to go to Kyoto once more and do more artsy stuff? Or look for Ura Umeda and do some more shopping. It is embarrassing, but I think I got caught up in all the hype and did not really think about what I would be doing and all that...

Sigh, we all do stupid things now and then. I really hope this would not be my stupidest thing? Because it would really be horrible if things do not work out. Shall I just hope for the best? Not much I can do now... Unless I manage to find someone who is willing to swap with me and take my place to Tokyo? Sighs.

Shall go pack my bag now. I sincerely hope that Hiroshima does not turn into a fabulous blazing disaster of epic proportions.

"You are the result of the choices you make."

Demon

Playlist

Before You Go by TVXQ

So many annoying things happened today. To begin with, there was the case of the lazy group mate who likes to order people around while slacking. There was the case of the stupid camwhoring bitches in my gym. The karaoke crashing bitch who stuck to me and stole my songs. And then there was the case of the parent who, while complaining that my trips overseas are expensive, told me to take the Shinkansen to Tokyo. I am not a patient person. I have a very low tolerance for irritating people. I mean, there is only so much that you can overlook as ignorance, jokes and culturally differences. And the thing about people is that, no matter where you go, the type of people that you encounter is about the same? There will always be unreasonable people, no mater race, religion or creed.

My knee hurts. I think I have been doing too many lunges and jumping jacks. Remember my old knee injury? Well, it has come back to haunt me, and at a time where I don't have a knee guard to wear to make things better? Sighs. I need to put less weight on my knees. I should lose weight to make my knees have an easier job. And that will mean that I need to change my diet because I am currently injured and unable to head out to run nor gym much. Sighs. It never rains but pours.

I need a break from studying. Like a proper break to go and play and not think about anything academic related. Its quite scary how I have so little self confidence now? I used to be the person who was always sure about how things would proceed, or at the very least, knew what she was capable of. Now? I feel as if I have lost sight of what I was looking for, and am now wandering around in the darkness. Its strange. I think it started in New York and became worse? Surrounded with too many awesome people and forced to take more onto my plate than necessary because you need to outdo the others. Why do you need to outdo people? Because you were taught to do so. Because no matter what others say about taking a break, you know full well that if you do, the insults and complains will definitely come hard and fast. Because you know that you are nothing but mediocre in a sea of talented people, and you do your best to hide this fact. And the weight of hiding your weaknesses kill you after a while.

Some say that being an adult means that you know how to deal with stress. But from what I see, it is just the people who gave up and resigned themselves who say this. It is the people who have people to rely who can afford to say this. Who will I rely on? Who can I rely on? No one. The answer is there, always there, painfully placed right in front of you in case you ever dare to forget that you are nothing but a useless piece of carbon dioxide producing trash. Everyday you are reminded of how little you are worth, how little people think of you, how little you matter to people. I know Asians tend to be less vocal about favour, but to the extent that you will probably never hear anything? Seriously painful. They say I should know. They say I should be able to infer. But it sounds like excuses. It sounds like an excuse to put me down because you are afraid that I will stand out. It sounds like an excuse for you to refuse to see me as an adult capable of making logical decisions. It sounds like lies you tell to yourself to make yourself to feel better, and you are trying to force me into your sense of reality.

Now that I think about it, the turning point must have been when she said that I would never be important. No matter what she tells me now, it cannot detract from that statement made that night in the darkness. People say that things said ina fit of anger and sadness are never really accurate, but it doesn't change the fact that I was told that I was told by one of the most important person to me that I was insignificant. In fact I was told I was beyond insignificant. Unforgivable. No matter how much I smile and how much I say I am alright, it is a lie. Hurt so deeply it never shows. Cracks that appear on the surface belie the severity of the situation. Never mentioned. Never discussed. As if it would go away if we pretended that there was nothing to begin with. Ignore all of it and it will resolve itself. Lies. Such lies we tell ourselves. Most hurts go away, but things like this never ever leave you. It changes how you see the world, changes how you react, changes what you are. Which might be why I am so afraid of loving people. Which might be why I hightail the moment someone says they love me. Don't give me hopes just to dash them on the ground.

Demons from the past rearing their ugly heads to torment me...

"I just want to run away and never look back. Wash away these memories so I can start anew."

Waiting

Playlist

I Don't Know - TVXQ

Wow. I actually really like Tohoshinki. Or TVXQ. Whatever you want to call them. I like the two-man team thank you very much. I know the old school fans of TVXQ are probably screaming at me for this, but I think 5 people performing in a team definitely means someone gets overshadowed at any point in time. And SME is nothing like YG where different songs feature different people and where each person is encouraged to do their own album anytime? So yeah. I like ChangMin and YunHo. Not such a big fan of Junsu and the rest so... Yeah. TVXQ~ Cannot wait for their new single.Its released on the very day that I leave for Japan though so I think I can forget about getting it here? Oh well. The Interent is amazing.

Heading to Shirahama for the beach and the onsens this Saturday. Will be back on Sunday? Going to Hiroshima with the school next Wednesday and will be back on Thursday. Going to Tokyo on the night bus on Friday night and will return to the centre for class on Tuesday. Flying off for Singapore on Wednesday. I need to start packing my things... Not like I have a lot of things so I should be fine... I hope? Already came with an overweight bag so I doubt things will change that much? Just adding a few more sets of clothing, one pair of shoes and a lot more books. If I don't buy much in Tokyo, Shirahama and Hiroshima, I think I should have no problems at all. Been living out of a suitcase for something like 3months so things become much easier...

Glad that I will be leaving soon. There are a few people who have been getting on my nerves, and even though I am making friends with other people, it is rather difficult to counter the annoyance I feel. Just going to grin and bear with it until next Tuesday, which is my final presentation. After that, the gloves are off and I'm game for whatever nonsense you can throw at me. I can make your life miserable if I wanted to? Its just that considering the welfare of the people I like who have to see your face and work with you... I will be nice on their behalf so that things don't get out of hand. So yes. Until then I need to keep my cool...

Been running out of things to do. I think I miss home? Singapore is boring, but its boring in a familiar way? Holidays are nice, but you want to go home because that is where your bed and pillow is. It is where you have a cupboard full of clothes, and where all your posters and books are. Its where you have little nooks and crannies to keep your trinkets, where you discover long lost things which you accidentally stuffed away. A hotel room couldn't be like this. Its a place that has memories attached, and where you will be unwelcomed. Its a place where you can be yourself, without make up, without pretty clothes and feel comfortable. Its home. Family helps. Pets help. But I think it is the acceptance. Somewhere to really call your own for all time. Its is a beautiful experience.

Been working out quite a bit since I decided on going to Shirahama for a trip. Can you imagine showing people my flabby body? So I've been gyming everyday. I know it is nearly impossible to make me cut down on my food intake and diet properly, so more exercise is the only way around it? I hardly expand any energy in Japan so its rather difficult? I sit for about 6 hours a day in class and the distance between buildings and classrooms are negligible. Just a short 30 second walk away. Which is why I need to work harder to remove the fats. I've already put on a scary 5kg so I need to work out more. Thing is, my knee hurts. Old injury from last year. So I'm not too sure how I will proceed? Abs are easy? Its the thighs that are my trouble spot. Arms are fine because of my build? Sighs. I need to lose the excess weight fast... Don't want to be a fat pig on the beach...

Tired. Been only getting an average of 5 hours of sleep every night and things get even worse on the weekends because I wake up early to head to town. Oh wells. I should try to sleep earlier? I know it should clear my eyebags and improve my complexion. Eyes tire easily at night too. I should rest when given the opportunity. Will surely suffer again when the stupid school term starts once more. I want to go on LOA. No real mood to study because everything seems annoying. Yeah, I am just tired, been studying for too long. I think I need an extended break. Will have to see how things go after this...

I want to wait for you every night, but I am tired of feeling like I'm waiting for divine interjection for us to interact. I want to talk to you and make you laugh, but it feels like you cannot be bothered with me. Perhaps I am just being too sensitive, but honestly? It feels as if I am not important enough for you to speak to me every two days? I think I have only spoken to you, properly, twice in these 5 weeks. I'm not sure about you, but I think its hard to communicate if I have to stuff everything that I want to say into a few hours. I'm not angry, just disappointed?

"疑心暗鬼の華は咲くたからかに/渡る世は鬼ばかり/きぐれにみを任せる/ぎんと幕と春びように"

Saddening

Playlist

Strong Baby by Seung Ri

Went for the home visit after visiting the primary school. Was pretty fun? I think the host family was a very typical family, so there were no unpleasant shocks nor sweet surprises? I guess things work that way? Things just average out after a while. Visited their home, which was timy, and then they brought us to the aquarium. While I am not one who likes looking at animals swimming aimlessly around dirty tanks and doing inane things to beg for food, I must admit that it was pretty good. A large variety of animals, but they all seem... So lonely? maybe it was a sympathetic background. Maybe they really are. I would never know, but I think it was rather sad. Screaming kids and adults slamming on your already tiny cage. Doing tricks to earn your meals. If it were me, I might have commited suicide to get away from the humiliation...

Oh well I should not continue on this very sombre topic. Not a place to dicuss this kind of things. One sided rambling about the welfare of animals is something only people with a crazy excess of time would do. I guess I am beginning to look forward to going home? Honestly I am rather bored of Japan. I know there are a lot of things to do and see, but somehow, it feels as if I am in a more beautiful version of Singapore. Without the conveniences and costing an arm and a leg. Yeah, hardly fun if you know what I am talking about. Somehow, the temples are overhyped and the food is not as great as expected, the people are decent but language is really a stumbling block and the workload is insane enough that you probably spend most of your hours in your room practicing speeches and writing reflections. If there is one thing I feel is stupid, is how reflections are done every 2 weeks. 2 weeks is barely enough to have any in depth understanding of anything? And the best part is how the Japanese people are not the most open people and writing negative comments is frowned upon? Ridiculous.

Not that I hate this country? In fact, I love how I blend in so well with everyone and can get away as long as I don't open my mouth too much. I love how I can badmouth people in relative safety and how they are awed by how I can speak more than one language. The food is predictable, the weather is predictable... Public transportation is forever punctual? I think this is an awesome place to holiday. Just a bit expensive... But still awesome. I would not stay here though?

Heading to Tokyo next weekend. This weekend is Wakayama's Shirahama and Hiroshima has a brief visit next Wednesday after the final presentation is done. Tokyo is a 3day 3night affair on an overnight bus there and back with a stay in a dormitory with the other students. After a 6 person dorm in Montreal, I am kind of prepared for a lack of space and chargers in the dorm... Oh well, part and parcel of travelling as a student. Would probably join the Malaysians for the betetr part of the trip though? There are some annoying people here and there who I just cannot travel with. In the 2 hours before I sleep and after I wake are fine but anything mroe than that will be slightly painful? Don't worry, I will do my utmost best to be a reasonable person.

Not going to Waseda. I hate that I am not rich enough to just go on a drop of my hat. If my family was well to do, I would have gone there to play to my heart's content. So yeah, I just bid for my course for the next semester. Will probably be soloing most of the classes which is going to be abject torture, but I think it is necessary. I am becoming too reliant on other people for my grades and am no longer putting in enough effort to study. I know I am not stupid, but I feel that I lack motivation to hit the books. If you think about, I must be crazy brilliant if I scrape by with a C grade when I spend something like only 2 hours a week on a partiucular subject if I hate it? CAN YOU IMAGINE? If I like the subject, I usually do pretty well if I act on it... And if stupid teachers don't biasedly try to murder me. Sigh. Let us see how bad things get the next semester. Worst case scenario would be to stop all Finance related subjects but I hope to not resort to that. Yeah. Wish me luck...

Running out of things to buy and I feel weird. I really want to go shopping but... There really is nothing that I feel like purchasing? Everyone tells me about how awesome it is to shop in Japan, but I am NOT a fan of tent dresses and baggy clothes? I like my clothes slightly figure hugging or structured; all they have here are baby doll dresses and a ton of shapeless things. I bought way more clothes in New York than here. In a way, Japanese girls are like the richer, better dressed Taiwanese? They like to layer clothing and hide their figure under loose clothing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot help but feel it is because they do not have much of a figure to speak of? Not that my figure is great, but they are skinny? Just skinny. Nothing else? Nice and skinny legs, not much else, but the way their legs turn in is horrible. Too much kneeling I think, which is why many girls, especially the older ladies have slightly deformed legs. Scary stuff.

Sighs. As you can tell, I am running out of things to ramble about. OH. One thing I realised is that Mandarin and English has a very strong influnce on my Japanese. Its as if I am suicidal and I use the hardest Japanese words possible. Its fine in mandarin and English because each word is structured differently and the sounds are different, but Japanese has too many words that utilise the same sound for different things? In Mandarin you'd know by the adjoining words, and in English there is a different word for everything but in Japanese.... Its a nightmare. What I write is supposedly at a pretty high level, but as I cannot really read it and my sentence structures are too complex... Sigh. Uphill struggle to make myself understood by others.

Things are coming to an end... Just 2 more weeks before I head home... I kind of miss everyone. Cannot wait to see the people that I have yet to meet for about 4 months? Some for 6 months... Some even more? Its amazing how time flies by so quickly. Reminder that we were all nothing a while ago, and will become nothing soon...

"Oh tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye..."

Lonely

Playlist

I Am The Best by 2NE1

Yes I am still listening to the same song. So what? I can spam it as many times as I want to make me feel better. In a really shitty mood because 1) I left my phone beghind on the bus back to the Centre and had a full "OMFG-WHAT-THE-HELL-AM-I-GOING-TO-DO" moment, 2) Tired, 3) Some bitch said I'm fat and have the gall to wear clingy clothes, 4) Workload is increasing.

Don't worry, I will probably get my phone back within the next few days. Tomorrow at the earliest and Monday at the lateste. The bus driver found it and will mail it to me, but my concern is that it will probably cost a bomb. But nevertheless, it will not be as expensive as replacing my phone so I am not complaining. I am just superbly annoyed at how stupid I can be to drop my phone on the floor and not check. IDIOT.

I'm tired because I'm by myself. Remember I mentioned something about how I am perfectly social and anti-social? Well, I've sort of maxed out my anti-social meter and am in dire need of a social life to balance things out? Because all I seem to do is study and surface acting? I have yet to meet someone I can really speak to? Maybe I am not trying hard enough to make friends and be friendly. Maybe I am not being considerate of other people. Maybe I am just being emotional for no good reason, but I think it might be because I am not getting out enough. USA was all out and no in time. SG was similar as I was ill and could barely meet my friends. And now in Japan as well? I think I might be going crazy from loneliness. Does not help that my song collection is stagnating and I feel as if I'm trapped in a cage, only able to look out at everyone fly away and leave me behind. I know, you might feel that I'm the one flying away in reality, but all I can say is that I feel left behind. Abandoned by people. Strange how my emotions do not parallel my reality.

And there was this girl who said that I am a fat bitch who is shameless enough to wear body hugging clothes. I must admit that I am not as slim as most of the Japanese girls here, and definitely not as fair and pretty as them. Nevertheless I do not think that my body size warrants a 'fat' label? Not yet anyway. But I am annoyed because I know I have been slacking on my exercise regiment. It has whittled down to a pathetic once a week because I am too lazy to go out and run more often. I complain about the sun, complain about my work load, and I know that the sun will not stop being bloddy intense and the workload will not decrease. And I think the lack of exercise is contributing to my emotional turmoil. I need to hit the pavements so hard and so long that my body collapses. I need to gym until I cannot get out of bed because my muscles are scraming. Yes I am escaping by drowning myself in physical exertion. Yes I am punishing myself so my brain stops thinking about the hundred and one disasters that seem posed to occur at any point in time. Yes I need to rethink what I am doing.

Japanese teacher told me to write parts of my speech in English. Administrative staff asked if I wanted to speak in English to her. Teachers stare at me as if I am speaking a foreign language. I cannot even communicate with primary school kids. Utter failure. I am superbly disappointed with myself. I feel embarassed at times, and it is so annoying that I have to keep asking people what certain words mean, after every single sentence. I have no idea how some of them have such excellent grammar. Maybe I should give up on this language. The amazing thing is that this is the first time that this thought has ocurred to me in my 2 years studying. Never have I wanted to give up, no matter how difficult it was. And now? Whenever someone says that my language is good, I cannot even be bothered to deny it because I know it is wrong. My language is pathetic if I cannot even form simple sentences to communicate basic ideas. Failure.

Cried the other day. Cried as I corrected my speech. Cried as I Skyped my friends. Cried as I sorted my laundry. No one around to watch me. No one around to judge. No one around to comfort. The only thing I can say is that things become rather meaningless after a while. I think I need to reignite my motivation. I was really living for the next Cosplay event, for the next photoshoot. And now? I have nothing. Dragging my feet through this life in the hopes I find something before it ends. I know I am loved, but somehow it hurts to know that I am not loved the most? I am such a greedy and ungrateful girl. But how can I convince my heart to hurt less? How can I convince my heart not to be lonely? Do I drown myself in liquor and parties? Do I lose myself in exercise like I have been trying to do? Tears just behind the facade, and the smallest thing will set them off.

I need to become stronger. And I need to lose some of my emotions.

"Out of all the times, why is it that when I’m confronted by love, I shrink away and am lonely endlessly?"