Lonely

Playlist

I Am The Best by 2NE1

Yes I am still listening to the same song. So what? I can spam it as many times as I want to make me feel better. In a really shitty mood because 1) I left my phone beghind on the bus back to the Centre and had a full "OMFG-WHAT-THE-HELL-AM-I-GOING-TO-DO" moment, 2) Tired, 3) Some bitch said I'm fat and have the gall to wear clingy clothes, 4) Workload is increasing.

Don't worry, I will probably get my phone back within the next few days. Tomorrow at the earliest and Monday at the lateste. The bus driver found it and will mail it to me, but my concern is that it will probably cost a bomb. But nevertheless, it will not be as expensive as replacing my phone so I am not complaining. I am just superbly annoyed at how stupid I can be to drop my phone on the floor and not check. IDIOT.

I'm tired because I'm by myself. Remember I mentioned something about how I am perfectly social and anti-social? Well, I've sort of maxed out my anti-social meter and am in dire need of a social life to balance things out? Because all I seem to do is study and surface acting? I have yet to meet someone I can really speak to? Maybe I am not trying hard enough to make friends and be friendly. Maybe I am not being considerate of other people. Maybe I am just being emotional for no good reason, but I think it might be because I am not getting out enough. USA was all out and no in time. SG was similar as I was ill and could barely meet my friends. And now in Japan as well? I think I might be going crazy from loneliness. Does not help that my song collection is stagnating and I feel as if I'm trapped in a cage, only able to look out at everyone fly away and leave me behind. I know, you might feel that I'm the one flying away in reality, but all I can say is that I feel left behind. Abandoned by people. Strange how my emotions do not parallel my reality.

And there was this girl who said that I am a fat bitch who is shameless enough to wear body hugging clothes. I must admit that I am not as slim as most of the Japanese girls here, and definitely not as fair and pretty as them. Nevertheless I do not think that my body size warrants a 'fat' label? Not yet anyway. But I am annoyed because I know I have been slacking on my exercise regiment. It has whittled down to a pathetic once a week because I am too lazy to go out and run more often. I complain about the sun, complain about my work load, and I know that the sun will not stop being bloddy intense and the workload will not decrease. And I think the lack of exercise is contributing to my emotional turmoil. I need to hit the pavements so hard and so long that my body collapses. I need to gym until I cannot get out of bed because my muscles are scraming. Yes I am escaping by drowning myself in physical exertion. Yes I am punishing myself so my brain stops thinking about the hundred and one disasters that seem posed to occur at any point in time. Yes I need to rethink what I am doing.

Japanese teacher told me to write parts of my speech in English. Administrative staff asked if I wanted to speak in English to her. Teachers stare at me as if I am speaking a foreign language. I cannot even communicate with primary school kids. Utter failure. I am superbly disappointed with myself. I feel embarassed at times, and it is so annoying that I have to keep asking people what certain words mean, after every single sentence. I have no idea how some of them have such excellent grammar. Maybe I should give up on this language. The amazing thing is that this is the first time that this thought has ocurred to me in my 2 years studying. Never have I wanted to give up, no matter how difficult it was. And now? Whenever someone says that my language is good, I cannot even be bothered to deny it because I know it is wrong. My language is pathetic if I cannot even form simple sentences to communicate basic ideas. Failure.

Cried the other day. Cried as I corrected my speech. Cried as I Skyped my friends. Cried as I sorted my laundry. No one around to watch me. No one around to judge. No one around to comfort. The only thing I can say is that things become rather meaningless after a while. I think I need to reignite my motivation. I was really living for the next Cosplay event, for the next photoshoot. And now? I have nothing. Dragging my feet through this life in the hopes I find something before it ends. I know I am loved, but somehow it hurts to know that I am not loved the most? I am such a greedy and ungrateful girl. But how can I convince my heart to hurt less? How can I convince my heart not to be lonely? Do I drown myself in liquor and parties? Do I lose myself in exercise like I have been trying to do? Tears just behind the facade, and the smallest thing will set them off.

I need to become stronger. And I need to lose some of my emotions.

"Out of all the times, why is it that when I’m confronted by love, I shrink away and am lonely endlessly?"