Demon

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Before You Go by TVXQ

So many annoying things happened today. To begin with, there was the case of the lazy group mate who likes to order people around while slacking. There was the case of the stupid camwhoring bitches in my gym. The karaoke crashing bitch who stuck to me and stole my songs. And then there was the case of the parent who, while complaining that my trips overseas are expensive, told me to take the Shinkansen to Tokyo. I am not a patient person. I have a very low tolerance for irritating people. I mean, there is only so much that you can overlook as ignorance, jokes and culturally differences. And the thing about people is that, no matter where you go, the type of people that you encounter is about the same? There will always be unreasonable people, no mater race, religion or creed.

My knee hurts. I think I have been doing too many lunges and jumping jacks. Remember my old knee injury? Well, it has come back to haunt me, and at a time where I don't have a knee guard to wear to make things better? Sighs. I need to put less weight on my knees. I should lose weight to make my knees have an easier job. And that will mean that I need to change my diet because I am currently injured and unable to head out to run nor gym much. Sighs. It never rains but pours.

I need a break from studying. Like a proper break to go and play and not think about anything academic related. Its quite scary how I have so little self confidence now? I used to be the person who was always sure about how things would proceed, or at the very least, knew what she was capable of. Now? I feel as if I have lost sight of what I was looking for, and am now wandering around in the darkness. Its strange. I think it started in New York and became worse? Surrounded with too many awesome people and forced to take more onto my plate than necessary because you need to outdo the others. Why do you need to outdo people? Because you were taught to do so. Because no matter what others say about taking a break, you know full well that if you do, the insults and complains will definitely come hard and fast. Because you know that you are nothing but mediocre in a sea of talented people, and you do your best to hide this fact. And the weight of hiding your weaknesses kill you after a while.

Some say that being an adult means that you know how to deal with stress. But from what I see, it is just the people who gave up and resigned themselves who say this. It is the people who have people to rely who can afford to say this. Who will I rely on? Who can I rely on? No one. The answer is there, always there, painfully placed right in front of you in case you ever dare to forget that you are nothing but a useless piece of carbon dioxide producing trash. Everyday you are reminded of how little you are worth, how little people think of you, how little you matter to people. I know Asians tend to be less vocal about favour, but to the extent that you will probably never hear anything? Seriously painful. They say I should know. They say I should be able to infer. But it sounds like excuses. It sounds like an excuse to put me down because you are afraid that I will stand out. It sounds like an excuse for you to refuse to see me as an adult capable of making logical decisions. It sounds like lies you tell to yourself to make yourself to feel better, and you are trying to force me into your sense of reality.

Now that I think about it, the turning point must have been when she said that I would never be important. No matter what she tells me now, it cannot detract from that statement made that night in the darkness. People say that things said ina fit of anger and sadness are never really accurate, but it doesn't change the fact that I was told that I was told by one of the most important person to me that I was insignificant. In fact I was told I was beyond insignificant. Unforgivable. No matter how much I smile and how much I say I am alright, it is a lie. Hurt so deeply it never shows. Cracks that appear on the surface belie the severity of the situation. Never mentioned. Never discussed. As if it would go away if we pretended that there was nothing to begin with. Ignore all of it and it will resolve itself. Lies. Such lies we tell ourselves. Most hurts go away, but things like this never ever leave you. It changes how you see the world, changes how you react, changes what you are. Which might be why I am so afraid of loving people. Which might be why I hightail the moment someone says they love me. Don't give me hopes just to dash them on the ground.

Demons from the past rearing their ugly heads to torment me...

"I just want to run away and never look back. Wash away these memories so I can start anew."