Article - Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Turned 18 (Happy Birthday Little Brother)

This is for you, little brother, on your 18^th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.

Aug. 26, 2011
 

By Kat George 
 

Little brother, you and I both are very lucky—we have a mother full of wisdom. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this: that mother is always right. So I am telling you now: all the things she says and does are with your best interests at heart, and everything she tells you will come to pass. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this (someone who wasn’t mamma), and I wish someone had told me that even though she’ll always turn out to be right in the end, it’s still OK to challenge her in the meantime.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me how young I was. Imbibed with all the new powers—drinking (drinking age in Australia is 18), driving, voting—it’s easy to feel somehow older, but you’re not, you’re still a teenager. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, hold on to your fearless childhood ways for as long as you can and use your new freedoms recklessly. Experiment with these new things you have (but be safe, little brother) and be you in a million different ways, because you don’t have to settle into yourself just yet.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me it’s OK to screw up; that it’s OK to mess up whatever, whenever, in every which way possible. That failing a subject at uni isn’t the end of the world. That backing your car into another when you’re trying to reverse park isn’t so bad. That your failed relationships, both sexual and platonic, are not an indication of the person you are. Little brother, it’s all right if you break something—because I’m going to be here to love you regardless.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that nothing is precise. What you will learn from books over the next few years of your tertiary education is subjective. You will want to spout platitudes from texts like sermons over dinner and when you’re drunk with your uni buddies. But, little brother, enlightenment is not necessarily in knowledge so much as it is in application. Don’t learn dogmatically from words, but learn to mix them all together to find the shades of grey between them.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that no one wants to grow up. We all want to ride the merry-go-round, to eat fairy bread at parties and to play duck-duck-goose. It’s OK that you want these things too. You don’t have to become quieter, or more ‘mature’—this means nothing. Little brother, it’s all right to keep some of your childish impulses, to spray your ice cream with so much chocolate sauce it appears more like a mudslide than a sundae. You only live once, hold onto the kid inside.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that it’s all right to be scared; that everyone is scared. No one knows what they’re doing or why, but they’re doing it just the same, and so should you. There’s no shame in fearing the things you fear, little brother, because we can face them together. When I was 18, I wish someone told me that all there is happiness, and to love the ones around you. So dissolve your fears, little brother, and don’t let them rule you, because we are so very brief, and I want you to always smile inside your heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you become, where you work, who you marry (or if you marry at all) or how much money you have—the only, and most important thing to be in life is happy.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that the older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means. Good luck little brother, because even though I’m eight years your senior, I’m still completely clueless. All I know for sure is that I love you more than I will ever be able to express completely.

Mature

Playlist

Don't Cry by Park Bom

This is a song that makes me feel sad? Korean song by Park Bom of 2NE1, about saying goodbye to someone you used to love. A goodbye that is bittersweet because you know letting that person would make both of you happier. Its not a song about anger, unlike most other love songs I have heard recently, so I really like this. More of... Understanding that some things in life just do not work out? It takes quite a lot of maturity to be able to accept this? Well, just my thoughts.

Hmm. Numerous public holidays this term so I have a lot of make up classes on Saturdays. Shifting my week from weekdays to the weekends. I think I have 5 Saturdays worth of make up classes for the 3 public holidays and the 2 eves of public holiday. Quite annoying to have to go for class at 830am on a Saturday but oh well, not much that I can do. Squishing 3 days worth of classes into 2 days is not a viable option and skipping the class would be dumb because I pay school fees! Not much I can do, so I shall stop mumbling about how sad it is. Countless other people in the same straits as me.

Other than this, it has been a pretty quiet semester? Many of my friends are overseas on exchange and I see FaceBook constantly updated with their photos. Of course I am rather busy with cheer stuff and school work, I have presentation tomorrow OMG, but either I have gotten so good at managing my time that I now have a lot of free time... or I am deluding myself. I am strongly inclined to believe that I am deluding myself about the excess of time. If there is something that I have learnt from 4 semesters in this little nightmare in the middle of the country, it is that there is NEVER enough time. NEVER. You will work from 8am to 3am and still be lagging behind. You will read notes on the bus and on the train and when you are eating and when you are in the toilet there will still notes you will have never touched even up to the moment of the exam. You will never be fully prepared for presentations, even if you were to read every single important article related to your subject and rehearse ten times. You may feel that this is an exaggeration, but ask my peers. Most will voice a similar sentiment. Of course, this is what you need to do if you want a good A grade and wasn't born a genius or with an excellent memory. Peasant class individuals like me don't have the time to put in so much effort, so I survive on the fringes of GPA respectability. Which is a really fancy way of saying that my GPA sucks. Yeah we will all say that GPA is not the one and only important in our lives but going by the way everyone mugs, you would think we were all hypocrites.

On the topic of school, Glee Season 3 starts soon! So happy! I must admit that Season 2 was pretty much a let down in terms of story telling, although the relationship between Blaine and Kurt was awesome, and the musical numbers were show stoppers in general? Oh well. I happen to like The Warblers, so if Blaine joins McKinley, I will be super sad, though I understand that its to facilitate plot development? Whatever. I enjoy Glee, although its getting not as fantastic, so yeah. Waiting for September 20th! Graduation is on the cards this season though. I wonder how the writers are going to tackle this.

Discovered the joy that comes with reading a collection of slightly amusing and relatively insulting. Of course, its usually in jest, but there are some things mentioned that are so relevent to our circumstances that I cannot help but wonder at how much of the article was actually written in jest. The thing I believe in is that inspiration does not emerge from a void. No, we are not God. If there is something that I realise, creativity stems from boredom with the current state of things. Creativity comes from adventure. And very often, it is based on something near and dear. Outrageous lies are too outrageous to be kept up and expanded into full articles. Voice of experience.

Anyway, the next post will be what I want to circulate. Its from Thought Catalog, so please enjoy.

"The older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means."

Blur

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Second week of school and things are falling into the usual term pattern. Its all waking in time to go to school, doing my best to pay attention and learn in class and rushing around for cheer. Busy as a bee and bored three thousand ways to hell. Yeah. Welcome back to reality, normality and inertia. Days drag past, and I desperately seek new markers to count the passing of time. As if everything melds into one, where waking and sleeping seems to blend into each other. I can barely remember what I did yesterday because yesterday feels like now and last week feels like a blur of emptiness.

No I am not being 'emo'. Just remarking on the very unremarkable nature of daily life after the excitement of BSM in New York and Montreal, holidays in New York and Taiwan and that brief adventure called JENESYS. As if I am still in a dream when I should be back in reality. Daily life is a blur, broken by certain jarring moments, but its as if its not 'real' enough to awaken me, and I soon fall back into m semi-zombie state yet again. Not certain if this is a blessing or a curse, but I am effectively blocking out ceryain worries? Everything I do now is short term in nature. Nothing much past 2 weeks. No real plans for September or October. Which means I am still in holiday mode. Ho hum.

As you can see, my life lacks excitement. So I am kinda on a look out for new things to try and do? I am actually rather worried about my gypsy nature. Travelling around, always eager for new things and never really commiting full scale... I foresee a lot of potential problems? Yeah, I have learnt a lot from my various experiences, but I think I have little staying power? As if I am not sufficiently dedicated. I do not think I have this problem with people, but with things in life... Not sure if this affliction will spread to the other parts of my life. I think its already bad enough that I cannot settle down on one activity... Then again it might be because I feel bored in my CCA? Hmm. I wonder...

Short post, because I am being distracted by my Accounting homework and Gackt. HAHA. Or if you prefer, its about time this distraction of blogging while doing work was put to an end? I must admit that it has been a while since I have listened to songs by Gackt, so its a nice change to hear him. Crazy guy with a good voice. Too bad he seems to be getting lazier recently and is mainly just releasing remixes of his older songs. Not sure about his other fans, but I personally dislike artistes who constantly do nothing but release remixes in the hopes of earning money the 'easy' way. One new song, a remix of an old song, one off vocal version of both does not qualify as a single. I know this is the business model adopted by many artistes, but in this modern age, I think I would prefer something like 2 new songs per single at least? Indeed, its called a single, but at least reward the hardcore fans who purchase your CDs in this digital age of ripping music? Albums may now be a dying trend, but for many of us fans, we still like holding the CD booklet and staring at the pretty artwork? Of course I am assuming the artistes put effort into the CD? This is something the Japanese could learn from their Korean counterparts. Make the CD something so gorgeous your fans MUST buy it. Or follow the AKB voting method. 10,000 CDs bought by one hardcore fan. Insanity.

I'd like it if singles included the PVs too? I try to support the artiste by watching on YouTube as many times as humanely possible? it is super tempting to rip it off the internet, but I do feel guilty if I don't support my favourites. I mean what kind of nasty fan would just continuously rip music off the internet? Not like it is THAT expensive to buy albums off iTunes or Amazon. The full 2NE1 new album costs something like USD$2 per track? Full album for USD$8. Sure, I am mighty sad that I cannot admire their pretty CD booklets, but for poorer people, I think around ten bucks is decent. Its just one less dinner outside in a proper eating place. Eat home packed food for 2 days and it covers the music you will enjoy for about a month. Hey, artistes need to eat too?

Ok, this turned into some mightier than thou rant. Sorry! I must admit to my own misdeavours too, but if possible, I really believe in supporting the artistes? If not possible... Well official YouTube Channel gives them revenue too? If still not possible, well. I'm sorry but yeah. Life interferes I know.

"もし生まれかわれるなら...この声の少女のように ... 歌声で人を救えるような... 存在になりたいと思うんだ..."

Sinking

Playlist

Don't Stop The Music by 2NE1

I look ahead, and all I see is darkness. Really. Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but too much rests on this ONE day. If things are not satisfactory, we can just stop doing this and all go home. And I would not even have a last stage.

How many times have I truly been in a routine? I think only once. Yeah, there were plenty of unforeseen circumstances which made it such that I am more of an administrative person than a performer. But I love the stage? For the stage, I can work hours every single day, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I complain, deep in my heart, I still go back primarily because I love the stage. So many of them are tired of competing. Maybe its because they always had that expectation weighing down on them, and after a huge failure, going back to where they were becomes a psychological barrier. Personally I am not too sure about what the psychologist and psychology students would say, but I know there is that tension. The sense that whatever you do will never be able to top your achievements during your glory days and thus, you withdraw with nothing but memories. I can understand this.

Yet, no matter how much I tell myself that they have their reasons, I cannot help but feel that they are being a wimp and a coward for running away. Yes, this is not a lifetime commitment, but you've managed to come so far. Why not work a little bit harder and go that bit more to attain excellence? Then again, who am I to dictate how people live their lives? 

I should stop being so emotional. I hate saying goodbye to people. I'd rather people hate me, and I leave first, because I don't want to make people sad that I leave. Which might have been a good reason to go to Waseda. Just leave in 2 weeks and everything is settled. I won't have to deal with all the teething issues. Running away does not solve the problem, but at least you don't have to deal with it... But no. I am far too goody two shoes to ever do that. Far too 'responsible' to ever do what I want to do, instead of what people expect me to do. Far too stupid to aggressive bulldoze my way through. Far too 'innocent' to blackmail people into doing what I want them to do. Sigh. Its too late now anyway. Dreaming for a rock to descend from the sky and knock some sense into them is but a dream that belongs in the realm of sleep...

People always say that they dislike supervisors hovering over them all the time. But the thing is, how many people are responsible enough to perform their tasks without someone hovering over them? Honestly I dislike chasing people for work. I'd like to delegate, and let things go on as per normal. Yet what I realise is that people don't do things unless you remind them every single step of the way, and you hound them every step of the way to get a scrap of work done. Its impossible to take everything on because I am not a superwoman and contrary to popular belief, I do not have 30 hours in a day. I happen to have a social life outside of school as well, unlike the previous presidents, so I need all the help I can get. I delegate work, give a deadline, and expect them, like responible adults, to sort things out on their own. And somehow? It descends into childish bitching and tantrum throwing. Nothing gets done, everyone is annoyed, workload accumulates, stress levels rise and KABOOM. Trouble.

If you feel thta this post has been nothing but downright depresisng, I sincerely apologise. I guess this is more of a phase of resignation rather than depression, because while I do feel slightly sad, it is something that I have accepted as the reality I need to face and am taking measures to deal with it. I wonder why I am so emotionally attached to my club, but I suppose I will just do my own thing and in the worst case scenario? Join another club. I have another club waiting for me, and even though it seems pretty unstable at the moment, I think it might be an interesting experience. Cheerleading is great, but we can do anything if three quarters of the members will leave by December. If the turn out is bad... well, it might just be the signal to leave this crumbling ship and seek another ride for the next few years.

"The first, and ultimate, sign of maturity, is knowing who you are."

Ugly

Playlist


Ugly by 2NE1


New 2NE1 album! Superb songs and wonderful music videos. Its strange, but I have never gotten bored of 2NE1? They have been around for more than 2 years and I have been following them from shortly after their debut... I think I discovered them from Can't Nobody? Not sure... Its been quite a while... And Bommie has always been my favourite? She is so funny and cute. Not the prettiest person, but definitely one of those with the most personality. If you want some decent Korean songs, I highly recommend 2NE1. They actually SING!~


Anyway, this song often makes me feel sad. Perhaps it is due to the sad lyrics, but I guess I'm in one of my down moods. Not sure, but I think the weight of my CCA and the fact that I can't run away is hitting me really hard. As you might recall, I was supposed to head to Waseda for a one year academic break... But some things cropped up and it is no longer possible. The story is pretty short but pretty ugly so I'm not going to say it here. Just know that I am not going, and don't be relentless in asking for an explanation. Maybe in a bit, when I can finally learn to be optimistic again. My only chance and I blew it. A four year dream gone down the drain because of some small stupid things. If you think I'm stupid, I probably think so at a much greater intensity than you. So don't worry, I'm already killing myself about this missed opportunity. 


So I cannot leave. I cannot get away. Its like being told you would be allowed to leave prison for a short vacation, and you've been looking forward to it for 4 years and then WHAM. Too bad. Your prison stay was extended. Indefinitely. Tell me how happy can I possibly be? You may think I'm lucky for always travelling out of the country, but I don't see it as luck. Its a necessity. I cannot stay here much longer, because my brain is going bersek. The stress builds up and there is no way to run. Yeah, sure, you may suggest that everyone is in as much stress as me, and that I might as well face the music and grow up 'cause stress is something that I can never escape from. Well, firstly, I'm not you or anyone else for that matter. I'm myself and I deal with stress differently. If i'm a failure as a student and an adult so be it. I cannot be bothered. Whats the worst that could happen at the end of the day? i could just die. Its not like I'm some great civilizing influence or irreplaceable. I am very much replaceable. Then what about my family, you may ask? Well, if they cannot come to terms with the fact that I'm not 'everyone else', forget it. We just happen to share the same roof. I'll leave when I can, because I know I'm not wanted.


School term is about to begin. Supposed to be difficult and torturous, but then again, every semester has been like this since a while back. Time seems to fly in school, but I know how very lengthy and painful it can be when it hits somewhere around the 10th week of school.  Where every morning you have to wake up to go to school is arduous, and travelling to school is excruciating, and sitting through class is suffocating, and project work is like walking across hot coals. Life is hell, and the only thing going through your head is how to make things better. When you start planning holidays to take the edge off things, when you  train like an insane idiot because its the only time when your brain is empty. Yeah. School is torture and regardless of what people say, I think I will always feel this way. I actually used to like school? Nowadays, classes are a huge bore and I feel as though I'm just going through the motions called the pursuit of academic excellence. Meaningless.


Emo phase now. I should stop complaining and just suck it up like an adult yeah? Really wondering what kind of career path I can take at this rate. I need something that does not make me feel as though I'm just shoveling water out of a sinking ship. Exercise in futility. Maybe my life is really that meaningless. Or maybe life in general is that meaningless.


Oh God, please give my life meaning. Please give me a reason to continue my human faculties. I don't want to be a drone, eating and sleeping and going to school only because i was programmed to...


"Just like her I wanna be pretty... Don't lie to my face, telling me I'm pretty... Cause I know I'm ugly."