Ugly

Playlist


Ugly by 2NE1


New 2NE1 album! Superb songs and wonderful music videos. Its strange, but I have never gotten bored of 2NE1? They have been around for more than 2 years and I have been following them from shortly after their debut... I think I discovered them from Can't Nobody? Not sure... Its been quite a while... And Bommie has always been my favourite? She is so funny and cute. Not the prettiest person, but definitely one of those with the most personality. If you want some decent Korean songs, I highly recommend 2NE1. They actually SING!~


Anyway, this song often makes me feel sad. Perhaps it is due to the sad lyrics, but I guess I'm in one of my down moods. Not sure, but I think the weight of my CCA and the fact that I can't run away is hitting me really hard. As you might recall, I was supposed to head to Waseda for a one year academic break... But some things cropped up and it is no longer possible. The story is pretty short but pretty ugly so I'm not going to say it here. Just know that I am not going, and don't be relentless in asking for an explanation. Maybe in a bit, when I can finally learn to be optimistic again. My only chance and I blew it. A four year dream gone down the drain because of some small stupid things. If you think I'm stupid, I probably think so at a much greater intensity than you. So don't worry, I'm already killing myself about this missed opportunity. 


So I cannot leave. I cannot get away. Its like being told you would be allowed to leave prison for a short vacation, and you've been looking forward to it for 4 years and then WHAM. Too bad. Your prison stay was extended. Indefinitely. Tell me how happy can I possibly be? You may think I'm lucky for always travelling out of the country, but I don't see it as luck. Its a necessity. I cannot stay here much longer, because my brain is going bersek. The stress builds up and there is no way to run. Yeah, sure, you may suggest that everyone is in as much stress as me, and that I might as well face the music and grow up 'cause stress is something that I can never escape from. Well, firstly, I'm not you or anyone else for that matter. I'm myself and I deal with stress differently. If i'm a failure as a student and an adult so be it. I cannot be bothered. Whats the worst that could happen at the end of the day? i could just die. Its not like I'm some great civilizing influence or irreplaceable. I am very much replaceable. Then what about my family, you may ask? Well, if they cannot come to terms with the fact that I'm not 'everyone else', forget it. We just happen to share the same roof. I'll leave when I can, because I know I'm not wanted.


School term is about to begin. Supposed to be difficult and torturous, but then again, every semester has been like this since a while back. Time seems to fly in school, but I know how very lengthy and painful it can be when it hits somewhere around the 10th week of school.  Where every morning you have to wake up to go to school is arduous, and travelling to school is excruciating, and sitting through class is suffocating, and project work is like walking across hot coals. Life is hell, and the only thing going through your head is how to make things better. When you start planning holidays to take the edge off things, when you  train like an insane idiot because its the only time when your brain is empty. Yeah. School is torture and regardless of what people say, I think I will always feel this way. I actually used to like school? Nowadays, classes are a huge bore and I feel as though I'm just going through the motions called the pursuit of academic excellence. Meaningless.


Emo phase now. I should stop complaining and just suck it up like an adult yeah? Really wondering what kind of career path I can take at this rate. I need something that does not make me feel as though I'm just shoveling water out of a sinking ship. Exercise in futility. Maybe my life is really that meaningless. Or maybe life in general is that meaningless.


Oh God, please give my life meaning. Please give me a reason to continue my human faculties. I don't want to be a drone, eating and sleeping and going to school only because i was programmed to...


"Just like her I wanna be pretty... Don't lie to my face, telling me I'm pretty... Cause I know I'm ugly."