Choice

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Doing my best to do my best. Of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while I meant well, I was sidelined by the wedding and the F1 concert and the hundred and one little things along the way, such as CCA and stuff. Self distraction ultimate wins. Its some sick ratio, where the more work you have, the more likely you are to head to YouTube and FaceBook. Its like how when you have an 8am class, you stay up typing blog posts or reading books. Its not like I'm even studying for the 2 tests that I have in 2 days. Yes, procrastination is the word you're looking for.

Fear is creeping up on me. About time anyway, since it has been about 7 weeks since classes started. It always happens? Where the fear that you're lousy just slams into you and you hit the floor breathless and wondering if this is the end. I'm not sure if I am the only one who routinely feels this way? I know we all have our moments of utter insecurity but this crippling fear that makes you afraid to go to sleep, because you'll just be a bigger failure when you close your eyes. Because in your dreams things you love are wrenched from you and all that is left is this sense of loneliness and despair, to exaggerate a little. I mean, yeah I know its a dream, and that when I wake up, things can still be fought for and gained, but it just makes me sad?

There are a few songs that always make me sad. Without fail, even when I am feeling happy. I think everyone who knows me knows which song it is because I'm always crying when I hear them. I cannot say the same about songs that make me instantly happy? But I think, although its been so long, I've always been more aware of being unhappy than happy? I get all gloomy easily, but of course I pretend its fine and dandy when I am with people. When I leave my friends, such as when I am taking the bus home alone, I can start crying almost immediately. Not that I am a crybaby, ok perhaps I am, but there's always this sense that there is so much injustice in the world. Not done to me perhaps, but it exists, and in many way, it hurts? My existence is a relationship statement with everyone else, and things just feel horrible... Ok, just ignore me for now. Me thinking too much. First world problems.

I wonder if you feel anything when I say that I like him. Do you feel jealous? Do you wish I would get together with him and stop being so lonely? Do you wish I would forget him and go back to being with you? I really wonder. I don't think its JUST a passing fancy? I'm not the kind of person to like someone for the fun of it. But I'm the kind of person, who while aggressively telling people that I like them, am subtly telling them to go away. To you, and him, I'm the same. Its love, and because its love, I'm sending you away. Even though it feels like we were supposed to be together forever and ever, I know I'm not someone who should be loved that way. Its a warped theory, that because I like you, and because you shouldn't like me, I push you away while asking you to stay. He's far far away and while I desperately try to make things between us go further, I'm asking him to go elsewhere. I'm burning my bridges with him. I know we can never be, at the very least, I believe we can never be, so I'm killing my hope. Killing it in the hopes that the nerves stop hurting and I can go back to the existence I was previously. I regret the day I asked to meet him. But I think if I had never met him, I would never have my current understanding of myself. What price is knowledge? This is something that's going round and round in my head all the time...

Ought to go back to studying.

"I was a fool to give up my honour for the world."

Fortune

Playlist

Random M&D song

I have this feeling that I am beginning to see the way I have created for myself. As usual, I have no idea if it is a good or bad thing. Or maybe its neither. I would be lying if I told you I know full well where I am going. I don't. I'm building the road one brick at a time. Not sure if my road will be a shortcut or take a huge detour but I think I already have my hands full trying to build a road, much less worry about where it goes. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't bury myself in the construction process. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't let it collapse halfway through. I'm doing my best to understand if this is the way I truly wish to go. Hands full, no time to worry about the details. Yeah, the devil is in the details, but when you're running around like a headless chicken, your last concern would be the devil.

Somehow, not to make it sound overtly dramatic or anything, but I know it still will, I get the impression that many people see me as a loner? Or as a very independent person? I am unsure of what to make of it actually? Because while I would agree that I am someone who needs quite a measure of personal time and space, I am socialble to enjoy good company and random madness. I like my quiet time to blog and watch the world go by. I can watch movies on my own; I can even go to the theatre on my own! I make friends with random people I meet at parties when I'm bored, or people watch from the corner when I don't feel like speaking. I am alright with being a wet blanket, and I'm also alright with following along with whatever the larger group wants to do. Ah, a friend once called me a digusting chameleon because I only show my true colour when I am in a vacuum. And people do realise it after a while. A bit off, never really in the middle, not really at the fringes... I seem perpetually busy and somehow, still very relaxed. When I examine my own behaviour, I always wonder what about the kind of person that I truly am. Those personality quizzes? They usually are about 60% accurate as to the type of behaviour I exhibit, but the rationale for my behaviour is rarely correct. Not a fantastic tool. In fact, rather pathetic? My curiosity has brought me to want to visit a fengshui master. or whatever they call those dubious-ish people who attempt to tell you your fate. I cannot wait to hear what they have to say. Met one Japanese fortune teller, oops, palm reader, and he told me a few things that are rather accurate, but he couldn't really say anything that made me go 'Ah! So that's why!'. Maybe my expectations are too high? Hmm. I really wonder.

I think I am someone who is useless when it comes to digital communication. Often told that I sound superbly unfriendly in SMSes and emails. As if somewhere along the way, I was too properly educated in the manners essential in proper letter writing, so every piece of correspondence I write has to be something that my teacher wouldn't be ashamed of. And I have no idea how that got rooted in my thick skull. I mean, think about it, 2 years of hard work and my Economics is as pathetic as ever. Years of Mathematics doesn't make my mathematical ability particularly strinking. And yet, when it comes to English, I respond in the stiff manner typically found only in letter of the 80s where they had gorgeous cursive penmanship and content was modern enough for me to not laugh. And no I am not joking. Indeed my cursive is rather atrocious, but I can assure you that my correspondence are of the calibre that would make the stereotypical matronly English schoolteacher proud. Not sure if this is an embarrassment or accomplishment, but it transcends physically letters and into digital media. In simple terms, if left to my own devices, I would SMS the same way I write a letter.

 Kinda tough to be a girl these days. There are so many expectations, by guys and other girls and by family members and friends and the community and society in general. I think people have written books on these issue, so I shall not summarise, but I wanted to say that this might be the first time I feel that being female is more disadvantageous. You may not believe me, but the truth is that I have always enjoyed being a girl. So many choices and options... And somehow in the past few weeks, I realised that these were all surface choices. The glass ceiling is really very much still there, which is why I sometimes admire girls who can continuously pretend to be a silly thoughtless bimbo. You need a measure of brain cells to get into university, and they play the dumb blonde game so very well. I mean, why do anything at all, if you could get someone else to do it for you? I know my guy friends often complain about girls like that, but honestly, their line of sight narrows to said species of girl whenever one is spotted. Takes them a while to recollect their shattered intellect to say that they 'don't like' girls like that. Boys, admit it. You can't help but be attracted, much like how I instantly turn when I hear someone with a god awesome voice. Its instinctive, and the last time I checked with Scientific American, males are still very much more animalistic than girls, to say it unglamourously. Of course, not all boys are like that, the same way not all girls have a similar weakness to nice sounding guys. But there are enough to make it a trend.

This sudden emo nemo-ness (don't ask me why or how or where, it just EMERGED) might be because of him. I think I must have schizoprenic tendencies because I seesaw between wanting to strangle him and wanting to call him. Both of which are highly inappropriate things to do to somebody you barely know. I mean, yeah I know his address, phone number and a million other facts, no I am NOT a stalker he TOLD ME, but I don't know him if you get what I mean. The chances of us meeting were so slim. The chances of us being able to talk to each other is even more pathetic. But somehow it worked. Tentative but it worked. And now there's nothing and I need to wait until Friday night or Saturday before I get a reply, if I even get a reply. Wait. Why am I even expecting a reply OMG. Like I said online, asking to get my heart broken.

"Evidently, I need to do at least one stupid thing every month."

Renew

Playlist

Losing My Religion by Glee

Brand new Blogger interface. Not sure if I like this yet, because pictures have replaced the normal function names... So its a wee bit confusing. Hopefully I will come to enjoy it? I need to shake up my world a little now and then to make sure that I don't get too complacent. Blogger has been one of those things that has not changed much since ages ago so I guess it was high time I learnt to navigate something new. Seriously need to make sure that the learning ability of my brain isn't adversely affected by the crazy hours I spend on unproductive things.

School is scary as usual. Readings creep up on you, and the next thing you know, the readings that you need to do are thicker than the amount of paper any normal file could store. I should take a photo and show it to everyone. Its really something shocking! I did expect to work but the sheer amount in 4 weeks... Really unexpected. On my to do list would be something like :

1) Corporate Reporting Chapter 5&6 (which is about 100 odd pages OMG) and tutorials (around 30 long questions SO DEAD)

2) IEA readings (OMG this is one is crazy)

3) FIIM readings and tutorial x2

4) Study for Negotiation exam (DIE not started on anything, I dont even have the freaking TEXTBOOK), write Negotiation report (ARGH)

5) Corp Reporting Readings (I can probably survive this?)

Shoot. I think I have been relaxing a wee bit too much. Just realised that the amount of work that I have pending is quite a lot compared to previous years. The mad thing is that we have yet to start on projects, so I think the second half of this semester is likely to be crazy insane. Main concern at the moment would probably be Negotiation as the final test is in 2 weeks! In class. I have no idea what kind of test it will be, but my concern is that it is very textbook dependent, which is likely to be the case as classes have mostly been negotiation practices. Okay. So dead. I ought to start studying. Maybe I should start by buying the book. Not much time to procrastinate and pretend that I have another 7 weeks before needing to worry about my finals. Time flies even when I am not having fun. 

Not that things are that bad? I guess there are bits of happiness in my life, such as meeting friends and teasing my brother? Classes are generally pretty interesting, and for once, the only problems I really have are with my laptop and my school account. First world problems that makes me sound like a whiny and useless spoilt brat but... Its kind of the truth? I really am useless when it comes to technology. Software is still manageable, unless you're talking about Excel which is kind of my worst enemy, but hardware plus settings puts me way out of my league. I'm more of the Victorian/ Romantic era kind of person. I can live fine with my stationery, except I would probably miss YouTube and other videos. Sad eh? To be such a tech noob at my age and in this kind of era...

I often feel strange recently. Maybe its the fact that I'm going to move away from the place that I have called home for the past 6 years of my life? And it has been some of the most formative years, where your character and other finishing touches on your personality is cemented. Not sure what it would be like to move back, except that I would probably lose the high ceiling that I have come to love? I'm not really and outdoor-sy person, but I have enjoyed listening to the birds in the morning? Chirping after resting at the plants... Annoying, but beautiful at the same time? Something to remind you that even though you're still in bed, the rest of the world is up and about and not the least shy to shake you up. Still, I suppose my new home would be somewhere with its on perks? I look forward to finding a nice new spot to bask and laze in the afternoon? Not like this is something I should be thinking of when I have sooo much backlog, but I think its the little things like this that allow me to live day by day. Looking for the little bit of happiness to make me smile, instead of being greedy and demanding complex things that might not even truly satisfy me.

I'm such a high maintenance girl aren't I?

"Everything that you lose is the price you pay for gaining something new."