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Random M&D song
I have this feeling that I am beginning to see the way I have created for myself. As usual, I have no idea if it is a good or bad thing. Or maybe its neither. I would be lying if I told you I know full well where I am going. I don't. I'm building the road one brick at a time. Not sure if my road will be a shortcut or take a huge detour but I think I already have my hands full trying to build a road, much less worry about where it goes. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't bury myself in the construction process. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't let it collapse halfway through. I'm doing my best to understand if this is the way I truly wish to go. Hands full, no time to worry about the details. Yeah, the devil is in the details, but when you're running around like a headless chicken, your last concern would be the devil.
Somehow, not to make it sound overtly dramatic or anything, but I know it still will, I get the impression that many people see me as a loner? Or as a very independent person? I am unsure of what to make of it actually? Because while I would agree that I am someone who needs quite a measure of personal time and space, I am socialble to enjoy good company and random madness. I like my quiet time to blog and watch the world go by. I can watch movies on my own; I can even go to the theatre on my own! I make friends with random people I meet at parties when I'm bored, or people watch from the corner when I don't feel like speaking. I am alright with being a wet blanket, and I'm also alright with following along with whatever the larger group wants to do. Ah, a friend once called me a digusting chameleon because I only show my true colour when I am in a vacuum. And people do realise it after a while. A bit off, never really in the middle, not really at the fringes... I seem perpetually busy and somehow, still very relaxed. When I examine my own behaviour, I always wonder what about the kind of person that I truly am. Those personality quizzes? They usually are about 60% accurate as to the type of behaviour I exhibit, but the rationale for my behaviour is rarely correct. Not a fantastic tool. In fact, rather pathetic? My curiosity has brought me to want to visit a fengshui master. or whatever they call those dubious-ish people who attempt to tell you your fate. I cannot wait to hear what they have to say. Met one Japanese fortune teller, oops, palm reader, and he told me a few things that are rather accurate, but he couldn't really say anything that made me go 'Ah! So that's why!'. Maybe my expectations are too high? Hmm. I really wonder.
Somehow, not to make it sound overtly dramatic or anything, but I know it still will, I get the impression that many people see me as a loner? Or as a very independent person? I am unsure of what to make of it actually? Because while I would agree that I am someone who needs quite a measure of personal time and space, I am socialble to enjoy good company and random madness. I like my quiet time to blog and watch the world go by. I can watch movies on my own; I can even go to the theatre on my own! I make friends with random people I meet at parties when I'm bored, or people watch from the corner when I don't feel like speaking. I am alright with being a wet blanket, and I'm also alright with following along with whatever the larger group wants to do. Ah, a friend once called me a digusting chameleon because I only show my true colour when I am in a vacuum. And people do realise it after a while. A bit off, never really in the middle, not really at the fringes... I seem perpetually busy and somehow, still very relaxed. When I examine my own behaviour, I always wonder what about the kind of person that I truly am. Those personality quizzes? They usually are about 60% accurate as to the type of behaviour I exhibit, but the rationale for my behaviour is rarely correct. Not a fantastic tool. In fact, rather pathetic? My curiosity has brought me to want to visit a fengshui master. or whatever they call those dubious-ish people who attempt to tell you your fate. I cannot wait to hear what they have to say. Met one Japanese fortune teller, oops, palm reader, and he told me a few things that are rather accurate, but he couldn't really say anything that made me go 'Ah! So that's why!'. Maybe my expectations are too high? Hmm. I really wonder.
I think I am someone who is useless when it comes to digital communication. Often told that I sound superbly unfriendly in SMSes and emails. As if somewhere along the way, I was too properly educated in the manners essential in proper letter writing, so every piece of correspondence I write has to be something that my teacher wouldn't be ashamed of. And I have no idea how that got rooted in my thick skull. I mean, think about it, 2 years of hard work and my Economics is as pathetic as ever. Years of Mathematics doesn't make my mathematical ability particularly strinking. And yet, when it comes to English, I respond in the stiff manner typically found only in letter of the 80s where they had gorgeous cursive penmanship and content was modern enough for me to not laugh. And no I am not joking. Indeed my cursive is rather atrocious, but I can assure you that my correspondence are of the calibre that would make the stereotypical matronly English schoolteacher proud. Not sure if this is an embarrassment or accomplishment, but it transcends physically letters and into digital media. In simple terms, if left to my own devices, I would SMS the same way I write a letter.
Kinda tough to be a girl these days. There are so many expectations, by guys and other girls and by family members and friends and the community and society in general. I think people have written books on these issue, so I shall not summarise, but I wanted to say that this might be the first time I feel that being female is more disadvantageous. You may not believe me, but the truth is that I have always enjoyed being a girl. So many choices and options... And somehow in the past few weeks, I realised that these were all surface choices. The glass ceiling is really very much still there, which is why I sometimes admire girls who can continuously pretend to be a silly thoughtless bimbo. You need a measure of brain cells to get into university, and they play the dumb blonde game so very well. I mean, why do anything at all, if you could get someone else to do it for you? I know my guy friends often complain about girls like that, but honestly, their line of sight narrows to said species of girl whenever one is spotted. Takes them a while to recollect their shattered intellect to say that they 'don't like' girls like that. Boys, admit it. You can't help but be attracted, much like how I instantly turn when I hear someone with a god awesome voice. Its instinctive, and the last time I checked with Scientific American, males are still very much more animalistic than girls, to say it unglamourously. Of course, not all boys are like that, the same way not all girls have a similar weakness to nice sounding guys. But there are enough to make it a trend.
This sudden emo nemo-ness (don't ask me why or how or where, it just EMERGED) might be because of him. I think I must have schizoprenic tendencies because I seesaw between wanting to strangle him and wanting to call him. Both of which are highly inappropriate things to do to somebody you barely know. I mean, yeah I know his address, phone number and a million other facts, no I am NOT a stalker he TOLD ME, but I don't know him if you get what I mean. The chances of us meeting were so slim. The chances of us being able to talk to each other is even more pathetic. But somehow it worked. Tentative but it worked. And now there's nothing and I need to wait until Friday night or Saturday before I get a reply, if I even get a reply. Wait. Why am I even expecting a reply OMG. Like I said online, asking to get my heart broken.
"Evidently, I need to do at least one stupid thing every month."
Kinda tough to be a girl these days. There are so many expectations, by guys and other girls and by family members and friends and the community and society in general. I think people have written books on these issue, so I shall not summarise, but I wanted to say that this might be the first time I feel that being female is more disadvantageous. You may not believe me, but the truth is that I have always enjoyed being a girl. So many choices and options... And somehow in the past few weeks, I realised that these were all surface choices. The glass ceiling is really very much still there, which is why I sometimes admire girls who can continuously pretend to be a silly thoughtless bimbo. You need a measure of brain cells to get into university, and they play the dumb blonde game so very well. I mean, why do anything at all, if you could get someone else to do it for you? I know my guy friends often complain about girls like that, but honestly, their line of sight narrows to said species of girl whenever one is spotted. Takes them a while to recollect their shattered intellect to say that they 'don't like' girls like that. Boys, admit it. You can't help but be attracted, much like how I instantly turn when I hear someone with a god awesome voice. Its instinctive, and the last time I checked with Scientific American, males are still very much more animalistic than girls, to say it unglamourously. Of course, not all boys are like that, the same way not all girls have a similar weakness to nice sounding guys. But there are enough to make it a trend.
This sudden emo nemo-ness (don't ask me why or how or where, it just EMERGED) might be because of him. I think I must have schizoprenic tendencies because I seesaw between wanting to strangle him and wanting to call him. Both of which are highly inappropriate things to do to somebody you barely know. I mean, yeah I know his address, phone number and a million other facts, no I am NOT a stalker he TOLD ME, but I don't know him if you get what I mean. The chances of us meeting were so slim. The chances of us being able to talk to each other is even more pathetic. But somehow it worked. Tentative but it worked. And now there's nothing and I need to wait until Friday night or Saturday before I get a reply, if I even get a reply. Wait. Why am I even expecting a reply OMG. Like I said online, asking to get my heart broken.
"Evidently, I need to do at least one stupid thing every month."
1 comment:
It is no harder to be a girl now than any other time in history. Perhaps we find it that way because we are more "actualised". Every interaction has some level of gender politics in play; on the bright side, it makes life more interesting.
Men are genetically wired (I think) to dominate so they cannot handle women who have brains. So you can either play along or shove their bullshit back in their faces or find some middle ground. Regardless, it is a journey of figuring out who YOU are and what YOU want, and no one can take those away.
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