Choice

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Doing my best to do my best. Of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while I meant well, I was sidelined by the wedding and the F1 concert and the hundred and one little things along the way, such as CCA and stuff. Self distraction ultimate wins. Its some sick ratio, where the more work you have, the more likely you are to head to YouTube and FaceBook. Its like how when you have an 8am class, you stay up typing blog posts or reading books. Its not like I'm even studying for the 2 tests that I have in 2 days. Yes, procrastination is the word you're looking for.

Fear is creeping up on me. About time anyway, since it has been about 7 weeks since classes started. It always happens? Where the fear that you're lousy just slams into you and you hit the floor breathless and wondering if this is the end. I'm not sure if I am the only one who routinely feels this way? I know we all have our moments of utter insecurity but this crippling fear that makes you afraid to go to sleep, because you'll just be a bigger failure when you close your eyes. Because in your dreams things you love are wrenched from you and all that is left is this sense of loneliness and despair, to exaggerate a little. I mean, yeah I know its a dream, and that when I wake up, things can still be fought for and gained, but it just makes me sad?

There are a few songs that always make me sad. Without fail, even when I am feeling happy. I think everyone who knows me knows which song it is because I'm always crying when I hear them. I cannot say the same about songs that make me instantly happy? But I think, although its been so long, I've always been more aware of being unhappy than happy? I get all gloomy easily, but of course I pretend its fine and dandy when I am with people. When I leave my friends, such as when I am taking the bus home alone, I can start crying almost immediately. Not that I am a crybaby, ok perhaps I am, but there's always this sense that there is so much injustice in the world. Not done to me perhaps, but it exists, and in many way, it hurts? My existence is a relationship statement with everyone else, and things just feel horrible... Ok, just ignore me for now. Me thinking too much. First world problems.

I wonder if you feel anything when I say that I like him. Do you feel jealous? Do you wish I would get together with him and stop being so lonely? Do you wish I would forget him and go back to being with you? I really wonder. I don't think its JUST a passing fancy? I'm not the kind of person to like someone for the fun of it. But I'm the kind of person, who while aggressively telling people that I like them, am subtly telling them to go away. To you, and him, I'm the same. Its love, and because its love, I'm sending you away. Even though it feels like we were supposed to be together forever and ever, I know I'm not someone who should be loved that way. Its a warped theory, that because I like you, and because you shouldn't like me, I push you away while asking you to stay. He's far far away and while I desperately try to make things between us go further, I'm asking him to go elsewhere. I'm burning my bridges with him. I know we can never be, at the very least, I believe we can never be, so I'm killing my hope. Killing it in the hopes that the nerves stop hurting and I can go back to the existence I was previously. I regret the day I asked to meet him. But I think if I had never met him, I would never have my current understanding of myself. What price is knowledge? This is something that's going round and round in my head all the time...

Ought to go back to studying.

"I was a fool to give up my honour for the world."