Differ

Playlist

Different by Ximena

Rediscovered music I used to like and who's song titles and artists were always beyond me. Nostalgic, and slightly ironic. After all these were songs I liked and over time ceased liking, although I probably would have declared them timeless favorites back then. And now, months and years later, I'm back, although when I left them behind, I would have thought they had lost their allure. So its like looking back, while looking forward, and you come to realise there are some things don't change even though they seem to change. And then there are things that change, while remaining the same. Yes I studied Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Elliot for my Literature exams.

In a way, I sometimes wonder if its the same with relationships. Yeah, there are numerous people who drift away and never come back, but there are those who you stumble upon again somewhere along the way in your life. They may be friends of new friends, family of new friends, your banker and more. I cannot profess to have lived long enough to see many people who drift away come back, but I have observed this trend from my admittedly teeny sample size of my life and social circle and... This is the conclusion that I've arrived at. Somehow, roads cross, people come, roads diverge, people leave and at the end, we reach this roundabout where you see people opposite and you can't talk to them, but they most certainly are there. Its a lonely feeling? Where you wonder why you ever met if you'll never really be as close ever again. You're lonely not because there isn't anyone, but rather, because the people left. The remembrance of the shared yesterday is what makes the today that you're spending alone feel awful. And thinking if there will be anyone there tomorrow makes it even worse? No wonder people want to get into a stable relationship... Something about the security of knowing there will be someone who likes you and will talk to you when you wake up the next morning is very appealing.

And because of all of these, on the days that I feel a wee bit annoyed and strangely prophetic, I try to see how long my relationships will last. I do assure you this exercise is likely to cause a measure of grief, depending on your level of optimism/pessimism, and is not to be attempted by individuals with their plate full. It might cause rifts to occur where there were none, and your friends are not likely to be pleased by your sudden change in friendliness. Believe me, this is the voice of experience, most unfortunately or otherwise.  Anyway, the crux of this lies in extrapolating the potential behaviour of yourself and your friend, and arriving at a guesstimate of how long it'd be before someone blows a fuse. Add in the severity of the disagreement, the potential for discussion and a favourable outcome. Repeat, factor in external environmental changes such as new friends, work changes, family etc, include a margin for error and voila! Your relationship map is ready for use. Please be forewarned that testing this out is to make you suffer and unhappy. For use by masochists, or bored people only.

Holidays this December... Mostly spent moving, training and watching videos. Nothing much to do, which is good, because I really need a break. Studied a bit of Japanese, went out a couple of times with friends, but its mainly been moving. There are really a LOT of things to do when you're moving, especially when your new home isn't prepared yet, so I've essentially moved twice in a month. Crazy. If I could, I will never do this again. Ever. If it wasn't the school holidays, I think I might have died from stress. And the best part is that I'm not even doing most of the work. Not sure what I'd do without my parents. I'm sure I'll be fine when I have my own home, because I'm the type of person that somehow manages alright when things become horrible and I can't rely on others. Horrible aren't I? Useless when there are people around and useful when there aren't because there isn't anyone to leech off. Why am I not surprised that my dad always calls me a leech? 

Not sure what to say already. Have not been doing much recently, and with the lack of new activities, and errr... My infatuation with my bed and pooh...

Good night!

"I'm from a different zone~"

Twist

Playlist

Let's Go Party by 2NE1

Despite the rather 'happening' song title, it's a slow song that is suitable for listening when you're semi awake and unbearably tired. Which is how I feel like now after standing at Botanic Gardens MRT for the past hour as I wait for a friend. You wouldn't want to know how many times I've checked Twitter and FaceBook. It's gotten so bad, there are no seats so I can snooze, that I've resorted to writing about it on my blog. Thank goodness for blog apps. Life would be endless stoning and meditation and temper tantrums if it weren't for technology. People really need to learn to be punctual. Not asking for you to be early, which I usually am, but at the very least, get your butt to the meeting place on time. 5minutes late would still be acceptable, what with the relatively unreliable bus system. Even 15minutes is fine. But an hour is too much. Bordering on waiting for me to bitch slap you before doing a diva hair toss. Yes, I get annoyed when people reduce my sleeping hours. Not like they are in excess to begin with, so its precious!

Just in case, I'm not really angry mad. Annoyed but that is about it. After all, its the holidays and time should be frivolously spent on doing things that do not require me to rush around like a semi possessed person. Rest and relaxation is always appreciated.

I really miss dance. Watching the Korean pop acts and their dances makes my shoulders and legs start moving on their own. Possessed by the music. Not likely to join the dance clubs in school, cliques and politics are too much for my third year school fried brain, so I'm thinking of joining an external group. Not Studio Wu, because I think its overpriced. If I could I'd go back to HHK, but I need to audition and commit to performances, which is a problem. Not sure how to get around this, and I doubt there is going to be a simple solution. Cost is an issue, dance style is yet another issue and my schedule is already packed with school, cca, work and Japanese classes. Sigh. Seems like the probability that I'll overwork myself next semester is pretty high.

Another thing is that I was offered a fashion internship. The problem is that its 10months, and I'll probably need to take a Leave of Absence if I commit to       this. Awfully attracted to doing this, because I think it would be a good opportunity to explore potential strengths and weaknesses of myself. And I do need to clear my internship component if I want to graduate. Thing is, should I be doing this? I'd be making myself work far harder than expected. I could always pick something simpler and shorter and so called more related to my course. Easier way out of the situation. But life would be so boring if I always chose the easier way to go things. Not in me. Somehow I think I must be slightly suicidal to keep aiming to outfit myself over and about. As if I fear mediocrity and consistency. I might, in a subconscious way. After all, its been a while since I chose the more challenging option in my life.The question that makes me hesitate is the opportunity cost. There is always an opportunity cost, its just whether what you carve out from yourself is worth what you're adding to yourself. Which is why I am still considering.

Red moon hanging in the sky. Reminds me of Zone 00, where its the night of the siege, the fateful night where all the demons that have been haunting you attack at the same time. Night of reckoning per se? Scary thoughts. I think I'm reading too much manga. Comparing the real world to Zone is silly, but the overarching themes are very real? About how the things you do have consequences, even if you feel the backlash 500 years later. How we give in to temptation, how we all make mistakes, how we all have fears that we hide because bringing it to the surface will completely paralyse you. And how we all have a past that often comes up to bite us in the ass. Very real. Very scary in many ways to see the hidden things in you reflected in the book you're reading. Very addictive too!

"Together, we can burn brighter than the sun."

Console.

Playlist

FIRE by 2NE1

I think, amidst the hustle and bustle of my daily life, I've been feeling pretty down. Not out and useless down, but functioning down. The kind where you live day to day, and you always reach your destination without knowing how you got there. And no, there is no way I could have slept the walk from my school to the bus stop. Its the kind of feeling where time just disappears, and you have no idea where it went to. Something like that when you're in between being awake and asleep in the morning? But now through the day and for days. Something must be wrong with me, without me realising that consciously. I've been feeling very sleepy and tired for a few days, but I thought it was just me being lazy and silly because exams have ended. Which was, itself, pretty silly considering how exams were only 3 days ago, but I've been to school every single day. For cheer and meetings. At home, I'm packing my room, my house, dealing with my club's transitions, redoing stupid budgeting proposals... And more, so how in the world did I think I was lazy? URGH. 

Anyway I'm kind of better now. Was moping about and being really slow with packing when I received a message from a good friend. It was just after I've read through 6 plus years of letters, notes, cards and more, and feeling as if all the good and fun times are now over and done with. Was being all sad and slightly teary, when her messaged floored me. It started off simply enough, asking if I was well, and wishing me a happy birthday. I replied that my birthday was just another day and not that important, and guess what? " I won't disagree if you mean birthdays in general no big deal, that's a subjective thing. But if you mean your birthday specifically, you're very wrong, cos you're an individual whose birthday deserves to be remembered and celebrated." I really cried after reading her text, and I suddenly felt so refreshed. 

I've missed the people who will say things like this to me. I've missed the people who aren't afraid of showing me that I'm important to them, especially when I'm full of self-loathing and self-doubt. I've missed the people who won't run from me when I'm depressed and lonely, who'll look at me in the eye and tell me I'm special and amazing. I've missed the non-fair weather friends. I seem to be surrounded with people who's response to a sad me is to run away. Or ignore me until I'm better. Or let 'other people' who 'understand' me better console me. Well, evidently I'm expecting too much from most of my friends. Just one of those selfish people who cannot be bothered to rescue me, and yet expect me to rescue them whenever they have problems. Tired of these people who keep taking whatever I can give. The response to any and every argument we have is that someone's right and someone's wrong, and they avoid conflict by claiming they are in the wrong and sorry. Or they'd just pretend there isn't a conflict and avoid. Wait for me to get 'better'? What if I never do? I'm too fabulous to feel insecure? Rubbish. Too good to fail? I wish.

Somehow I've turned the sadness into anger once again. Sigh. I guess its easier to vocalise and express my feeling as anger than sadness. I don't like to be all weepy. Its easier to be angry at someone/something. At least it doesn't paralyse you. Fear and sadness are two things that makes it difficult to continue, so I try to get over it. Convert all of it into destructively constructive energy and do something. Make up for all the times I've been sad and useless with inactivity. Forget about the pain as much as possible and continue with homework, revision and trainings. Am I trying to hard? I don't really know what exactly I'm trying to say anymore. Ought to stop before I'm completely out of point...

"Yeah I'm cold to the core."