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FIRE by 2NE1

I think, amidst the hustle and bustle of my daily life, I've been feeling pretty down. Not out and useless down, but functioning down. The kind where you live day to day, and you always reach your destination without knowing how you got there. And no, there is no way I could have slept the walk from my school to the bus stop. Its the kind of feeling where time just disappears, and you have no idea where it went to. Something like that when you're in between being awake and asleep in the morning? But now through the day and for days. Something must be wrong with me, without me realising that consciously. I've been feeling very sleepy and tired for a few days, but I thought it was just me being lazy and silly because exams have ended. Which was, itself, pretty silly considering how exams were only 3 days ago, but I've been to school every single day. For cheer and meetings. At home, I'm packing my room, my house, dealing with my club's transitions, redoing stupid budgeting proposals... And more, so how in the world did I think I was lazy? URGH. 

Anyway I'm kind of better now. Was moping about and being really slow with packing when I received a message from a good friend. It was just after I've read through 6 plus years of letters, notes, cards and more, and feeling as if all the good and fun times are now over and done with. Was being all sad and slightly teary, when her messaged floored me. It started off simply enough, asking if I was well, and wishing me a happy birthday. I replied that my birthday was just another day and not that important, and guess what? " I won't disagree if you mean birthdays in general no big deal, that's a subjective thing. But if you mean your birthday specifically, you're very wrong, cos you're an individual whose birthday deserves to be remembered and celebrated." I really cried after reading her text, and I suddenly felt so refreshed. 

I've missed the people who will say things like this to me. I've missed the people who aren't afraid of showing me that I'm important to them, especially when I'm full of self-loathing and self-doubt. I've missed the people who won't run from me when I'm depressed and lonely, who'll look at me in the eye and tell me I'm special and amazing. I've missed the non-fair weather friends. I seem to be surrounded with people who's response to a sad me is to run away. Or ignore me until I'm better. Or let 'other people' who 'understand' me better console me. Well, evidently I'm expecting too much from most of my friends. Just one of those selfish people who cannot be bothered to rescue me, and yet expect me to rescue them whenever they have problems. Tired of these people who keep taking whatever I can give. The response to any and every argument we have is that someone's right and someone's wrong, and they avoid conflict by claiming they are in the wrong and sorry. Or they'd just pretend there isn't a conflict and avoid. Wait for me to get 'better'? What if I never do? I'm too fabulous to feel insecure? Rubbish. Too good to fail? I wish.

Somehow I've turned the sadness into anger once again. Sigh. I guess its easier to vocalise and express my feeling as anger than sadness. I don't like to be all weepy. Its easier to be angry at someone/something. At least it doesn't paralyse you. Fear and sadness are two things that makes it difficult to continue, so I try to get over it. Convert all of it into destructively constructive energy and do something. Make up for all the times I've been sad and useless with inactivity. Forget about the pain as much as possible and continue with homework, revision and trainings. Am I trying to hard? I don't really know what exactly I'm trying to say anymore. Ought to stop before I'm completely out of point...

"Yeah I'm cold to the core."