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Lies by Big Bang

Took a long break from blogging because I felt that I was turning into some whiny kid who was just venting her pointless displeasure with the world in a written format. Wanted to clear my head and think things through before I put anything else out. One of my better decisions this year in a while I think? Was reading through and I realised everything seemed to be circular and utterly boring. Brain numbingly boring. 

Anyhow, some things have changed over the last month or so? Main differences... No longer working part time as a waitress. Exams are over. My internship starts in about 10days. Finally packed everything properly in my room. New laptop. Nationals won and over. Head is way more messed up than before. Heart on its way to hibernation. Body fat index increased. Life goes on, the way it always has. I'm not much better or worse? I think the main thing that really keeps me wondrous is how I've yet to really come down with a fever. Some sneezing fits, a few coughs and some phlegm now and then, but overall, in good health. Must be the increased fats!

Trying to eradicate my sleep debt. Not as easy as expected, because I need to sleep a minimum of 8 hours to even start depleting the debt. I've something like 30hours to clear, and it hasn't been easy. Not adding to the debt is already hard enough; removing the debt is something that really needs dedication. Sleeping at 11pm and waking after 7pm is the bare minimum, and after about one and a half months of insanely screwed up sleeping habits? Uphill task. But one that needs to be undertaken, because I want better skin, better health and more energy. No matter how good I am at surface acting, I do feel tired, and I can feel that my performance is compromised? Yes, contrary to popular belief, walking around feeling like a vampire/zombie is really not appealing to me. Not much time left before internship starts, so I'm going to do my best to sleep more. Hopefully the internship won't be as horrible as school after Week 8. Brrrr...

Was ecstatic when we won Nationals. Forgot all about how fat I look. Almost forgot how badly my shoulder hurts. Momentarily forgot about my presentations that weekend. Everything that we worked towards, every painful bruise, abrasion and injury... It was all almost worth it. The medal. The trophy. The stage. All ours. Indeed, it was not a hundred percent, but in a competition where everything is comparative, we gave good enough. And I'm happy, because this is a trophy that I have working towards since 3 years ago? If there is one thing that I have come to realise over the years, effort does not necessarily equate to results. Its a combination of luck, skill and effort that contributes to your results. Sad but true. Unfair, but then again, what in this world is truly fair? This will probably be my last cheer competition and I'm really glad I could win something... Its so depressing to not get a trophy after consistent abuse. Oops! And the truth emerges once more.

Am honestly pretty upset with my Japanese language abilities. I have difficulty reading this! I've stopped at a level that is way lower than this, and I've resorted to using kanji to survive. Deplorable, and I am really embarrassed that it has come to this. Its not one or two words that I have difficulty with, but a large majority of the text. Out of my depth and my exam is in about 2 months. I think I have my work cut out for me. Please give me the mental capacity to learn fast and well. I desperately need it if I want to survive the exam and exchange.

Trying, not very hard, to look for new Japanese music to listen to. I've realised I have not heard a single new band since a couple of years ago. Maybe its because Japanese artistes tend to avoid YouTube, which happens to be my main source of music nowadays. Why buy something blindly if I can sample it online? And nothing I've heard so far as been interesting enough for me. I'm not sure if it is because I spent too much time listening to really interesting songs and I've standards that can no longer be easily met. Or maybe its because I'm now looking for a different sound. No matter what it is, I hope I find what I am looking for soon. It sometimes gets boring to listen to songs for four to five years. 

Still lost. Not like I expected to be able to find my way so soon. No longer that upset about it, I guess it has reached this stage where I am just resigned about the fact that this is a process that I need to go through. The scariest thing about no knowing where you want to go, is the fear that every decision you make now is taking you further from where you will want to go. What if the things I choose to do now impede what I want to do in the future? What if I am crippling my potential? All the what ifs in the world combined swimming in my head. I suppose this is what people mean by feeling insecure about the future. Everything before this moment has just been the fear that comes from knowing that you are approaching the edge. Still on solid ground and walking. Its only this moment that you look out there and realise that you need to take flight or you'd plummet to your death. Which is when the numbing fear creeps in and paralysis takes hold. Like in one of those horror movies where the protagonist, or victim, cannot do anything but stand there as the chainsaw/knife/implement of doom approaches. Deer in headlights moment.

Its almost the middle of the year and my posts are only about a tenth of my usual number. Maybe I'm starting to outgrow blogging as well? I wonder...

"When the world crumbles, the only way to survive, is to fly."