Paralysis

Playlist

Cough Syrup by Glee

Everywhere hurts. Breathing hurts. If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away to a fortune that I should have found by now. Groping in the darkness when everyone else can see the light. Self doubt. Self loathing. I have these in bucketfuls. Searching for an answer that isn't evident. Relegated to a corner to watch everyone enjoy their lives. Dark days ahead and I cannot seem to find a way out of this.

Waiting for September. Wanting to get away so badly. Never knew I had such a strong escapist streak in me. I cannot stay home. I do not want to go out. I need to find a place to rest. Constant state of panic. Losing my mind. Breaking apart from the inside and the best part is that the cracks aren't even obvious to most people. Remnants of my pride stop me from asking for help. Some part of me would rather die than to seem weak. But I am weak, and so many people know this. But there is no way I could ever ask for help. 

Do I need a counsellor? I have no idea. When did this start? How bad is my emotional state? How about I tell you that I cannot remember the last time I laughed? Lonely. Scared. And far too proud to do something that could shatter this façade. Why is it that no one seems to understand? Am I the only one who stares at the ceiling at night and cry because she wishes that she would never wake up again? 

No gets to kill myself, no nerve to do something to improve the situation. Falling and even though you know the situation is steadily deteriorating, you're afraid of hurting yourself more if you reached out to grab at something. You're afraid you can't grab hold of anything. You're afraid that even if you were able to grab something, it wouldn't help. Fear everywhere. Paralysis.

How sad it is that I seek affirmation from a fortune cookie application. I want someone, something, somehow, to make things right again. Restore things to how they were before. Wishful thinking? Stuck in a rut and I cannot escape. Not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Best part is that this is me being normal. No hormones to combat, no drama in my life to unravel. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. Shall I douse myself in alcohol? Shall I run until I crash from sheer exhaustion? Insecure. Demons in my head nipping at my heels. 

Head in a whirl. No where to go. Regrets like bitter ashes. Mistakes you don't know you made all back to haunt you. People you never want to see again tumbling out of the woodwork. Pain. Everything hurts. Emotional pain into physical pain and physical pain adds to the emotional pain. Where are we going? Circular. Cannot get out. Mood? State of mind. Perspectives change and people leave. Loveless. Heartless. Wishing I was a void. Sleepless nights and fitful nights and nights that never seem to end. And sometimes I hope morning never comes. One more time. Keep going. Nowhere to run. Run.

"A dark world aches for a splash of the sun."