Request

Playlist

Glad You Came by Glee Cast (Warblers)

Feeling a bit depressed again recently. The problem of finding my role in life never did went away, and now its back in full force to bludgeon me for not working harder to find a place that I can belong. Its really painful, because I recently feel too insecure to be able to survive on my own. I need a larger purpose. Breathing, eating and sleeping has ceased to be sufficient motivation to wake up in the morning.What I am scared of is the day I decide it's been too long since I had a goal... And I just give up on everything. If I'm like this when I'm drifting, I wonder what I will be like when I'm devastated. Maybe its a good thing I've always found something to cling on to at the final moment. This is me praying that a similar minor miracle occurs once more. And every single time when I'm looking for somewhere to go.

Application for exchange and Nationals is coming up again. Application is horrible, because I need to get a professor to write me a reference letter. Sounds easy enough for most of the human population in a university, but if there is one thing that I am most horrid at, it is asking for favours. Especially favours that I cannot repay. And asking for a reference letter lands smack into this category. I mean, how in the world do I convince someone to write me a reference if there is nothing in it for them? And it is not as if I have done a lot for that professor that they should write for me? And this just drives home my feelings of inadequacy and makes me feel like a stupid idiot for even hoping that people will bother about me. Every day that I do not get a response is like... Being stabbed. Every time I check my inbox, there is a sense of fear, because every moment that I do not see a response is further confirmation that I am nothing but chopped liver to these people. And I cannot avoid this, because it is a prerequisite. The rapidly approaching deadline makes me wince in despair. Its never good to know that you're not loved. I am such a failure as a student.

The only thing that I would proudly boast as my strength would be my ability to organise my life such that, even when I'm drifting, I have something to keep me going. Not that these are good substitutes for knowing what I should do, but at least I've a way to keep progressing. I cannot really turn to anyone for help, because this is a problem that I need to resolve on my own if I want to grow up. I cannot rely on others to resolve my issues, much like how I cannot do away with problems for others. There are some battles that can only be fought on my own, and I think this is one of them.

一片昏乱。 完全不知道自己在干嘛，不知道我要的是什么。总而言之就是人生乱得无法自拔。有能救我的人吗？若现在能遇到你，感激不尽。

Fighting a losing war with myself. Being depressed is horrid. Sigh.

"Request for assistance."