Overshare

Playlist

Episode 0 by Gackt

Earworm was originally Adele, so I decided that I should change it to something less evidently emo and listen to something more... Inspirational. Not exactly the most encouraging song, but Gackt is always worth 4 minutes of my life. 

Feeling a bit depressed. Might be due to the fact that my period is coming (yes I am oversharing), and I am hungry (still slightly oversharing), and I feel like I am barely well-regarded by the people around me. And no, I have been feeling this way for a couple of days. I will admit that up to about 20% of this negativity might be due to my hormonal imbalance, but I honestly doubt all of it is unwarranted.

I am quite tired of being the security blanket. A stupid role to play, because all you ever get are the unbearably depressing collection of stories from everyone. I'm not the girl people go to if they want a party. I'm not the girl people go to if they want to share happiness. I'm the one they go to when their world is a-crashing and they need to offload angst and depression. I'm the one who offers hugs and tissues. I'm the one people discuss existential questions with. I'm the one who gives support and encouragement when people are lost and weary... 

Three simple reasons why I'm irritated:

1) One person is fine. Two people, still manageable. But when virtually ALL my friends use me as a touchstone? Hello, you people hardly ever share with me ANY good news. I only know about your boyfriend when you're about to break up. I only know what classes you take when you start complaining. I only know where you work when you tell me how your boss is an ass. What am I? An emotional dustbin? Can't you ever share anything happy? Oh wait, my name is synonymous with 'personal counsellor'.

2) Who the fuck listens to me when I'm falling apart? Who the shit hugs me and doesn't judge when I'm ranting? Who in hell has been my pillar of support? I'll tell you who, MYSELF. Whenever I'm crumbling, people around me run like the plague is upon them. You people make that face betrays what's in your head, you saying "OMG why the hell is she crying can she stop I don't know what to do GETAWAY GETAWAY!". I'm human, I'm fallible. I'm useless if I can't stand on my own? Let's see you stand on your own. Every single time. I feel sad, I hug Pooh and cry to sleep. I feel angry, I plaster a smile to my face and spend all my energy flouncing around. I feel lonely, I read until my eyes can't keep open and fall asleep. Does this sound like the lifestyle of a happy person?

3) People say I'm cruel. Me? Cruel? Excuse me, who called and spoke to you on the phone for 2 hours when you wanted to kill yourself? Who is always the first person to send an encouraging SMS? Who follows up after every upsetting incident and always pushes you forward? Ungrateful brats.

I think it is plenty obvious that I am tired of being Aunt Agony. I'm not paid. No one ever pays back the favour. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't have a chalkboard in my head to keep score. I know how many times I've done special things just to make you happier. I know how many times I've played counsellor. And I know how many times you've stabbed me, over and over again, the very moment you feel slightly better. Too many times. The people who I owe favours number on one hand, and my family makes up the bulk of it. The people reading this? As long as you're a friend, you're super likely to owe me big time. I dare you to ask me how huge your debt is. Ask me, and brace for my smirk as I tell you you'd probably never pay it back. Because its become such that I won't show my weaknesses to people again. 

So yeah, I'd grind salt into wounds, because I'm in pain, and there's no way I can get out of it. Hurt all over and healed badly such that I'm not capable of not being mean to people who matter anymore. Which is expected, because the people who matter to me are the very same people who make use of me when I'm hurt and toss me in a corner when they're fine. I am not a first aid kit.

最近一直有着搬出去住的念头。可能是六月自己在日本呆的那段日子实在太棒了？自由的活着，偶尔与亲戚朋友沟通，每天过得非常愉快。没有实现别人的愿望的压力，不必为他人着想， 活在自己步伐的日子真的蛮轻松蛮舒服。在日本玩得太痛快，回来变得无精打采，稍微不习惯这里的日常生活方式。很想回去。一定会想办法回去。而可能性以外的还蛮高的。我不多说了，锁定了才透漏。这样才能过得比较精彩吗。有点臭屁吧？不管了，这是我的人生，就由我决定方向。

I'll find my way to live my life. Without you if its not fated to be. I'll do the things I want, at my pace. After all, since no one will love me the way I need to be love, I might as well love myself and ignore the people who won't. Why waste my life away in sorrow?

"この両手で守り切るには/裏切る言葉が多過ぎて/いつぞや 見た愛を信じ/刹那を生き抜きたい"