Wash

Playlist

Kiss Kiss by Kim Hyun Jung

Woke up this morning and saw the mess that was my house and this immense sense of irritation descended upon me. I hate messy places. I ignore them as far as possible because I understand not everything can be labelled and sorted and stored away forever in a nice corner never to emerge again. I also understand that there is a certain measure of disorder that arises from living in a shared space. And there are time constraints on all of us, which is why my book cupboard is in a relative mess, my wardrobe has too many jackets hanging for my liking, and there are still 3 cupboard boxes in my room. All of them will disappear come early August, when I FINALLY have the time to sort things out. I moved into my new house in January, had to fight with school until mid April, had one week to relax slightly before this insane internship began in the beginning of May. So my real holiday starts only in August, where I will definitely pack up my book cupboard and wardrobe. With respect to the boxes, I have this sinking feeling that they will remain due to the sheer lack of book shelf space available in my house. We used to have a book room, and even then there were boxes of books inside; very unlikely that this part will change. 

What annoys me more than mess, is dirt. I abhor dirty places. The only day that I dare to sleep on the floor, although I love sleeping on the floor, is on Sundays after I have cleaned the floor. There is no way in hell that I will sleep on a dirty floor. I don't care if some people think its just 'some' dirt. Dirt is dirt and with all the construction and renovation in my area, I will be damned if I were to sleep on the floor.

So the things I need to do, organising wise, would be, is to tidy up the two cupboards in my room, and if possible, remove a box or two. After that, I want to launder all the new clothes that I've bought and is waiting for me under my bed. So many things to do, and so little time. Knowing myself, I will probably throw away a bag or two of things when sorting things out. I have this habit of tossing things that I seem to no longer actively use, which might be something bad, because I end up tossing things with sentimental value. Of course, I usually forget about them the moment they head down the bin, but nevertheless... I wish I could keep more of it. If only I had enough space to allow things to collect dust in a corner, as they say.

Have this gut feeling that I will experience numerous problems if I were to have my own family. I dislike the never-ending nature of chores, and there is only so much I can tolerate before feeling as though I should be paid wages to do household chores. In a way, this has been a factor, and very possibly, a problem, that I have with guys. I constantly ask myself if a guy is worth my attention by posing to myself the question of his willingness to do household chores for me. Will he be willing to clear the laundry every other day? Will he clean half the house? Will he clean the windows and change the lights? If the guy seems unlikely to be agreeable, or has ever professed his dependence on his maid/mother, I squash all thoughts of taking things anything further. The immediate failures of my mental assessment are the guys who proudly admit that their room is a pig sty. Those who ask me to, jokingly of course, clean their room on their behalf, will never proceed beyond the distant friend category. I have no patience to date fully grown children who do not have the maturity to see the need to keep their environment clean and orderly. Am I judging them? You bet I am. 

Am I asking for too much? Maybe, but the pain that comes from returning home to huge piles of unwashed laundry and random articles all over the house while your spouse lazes on the couch watching television is beyond words. I might just go to the kitchen, grab a knife and threaten him with it. Very cell block tango? Perhaps, but irritation-induced manslaughter is something that I can relate to. It would be far better for all parties involved for me to look for the elusive modern day male who is man enough to do chores with me. 

Either that or I could stay single and live in my clean, happy and neat little world. No dead men, no frustrated me, and everyone lives happily ever after. And no, according to my consultation with a Psych major friend, I lack the drive to be afflicted with OCD. Thank goodness for normalcy.

Oh. And I think you owe me an apology. I am still waiting for it.

"Atrocious. Love is atrocious. / You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you’re suffocating me. / Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. / Love only gets worse as you dig deeper."

Trail

Playlist

Starships by Nicki Minaj

So I have been trying to exercise with a greater degree of consistency lately. Started running regularly in late May, and from once a week when I could squeeze time out, it is now something like 3km to 5km, twice to four times a week, with static exercises after or as a replacement when it rains etc.

So far, after about a month and a half, I have effectively shed about one proper kilogram of weight. From the horrific 59kg, bordering on 60kg when I have around 5 meals a day, I’m now about 57kg, usually 58kg after the water retention and 4 meals a day. Of course my weight fluctuates based on the amount of water I retain or lose, I'm sometimes plus minus a kilogram. I will admit that the numbers are nothing fabulous considering the lengthy time frame, but my clothes, especially my pants, are slightly looser around the thighs, and my top two abs are slightly more well defined than, well, a lump. I take the better fit of my clothes as a more positive sign, because I suppose the ultimate aim is to reduce fat and build more lean muscle. Besides, I am attempting to lose weight through the least... Unnatural way possible.

I know the running is working, because my metabolic rate has increased quite a bit. I cool down and warm up much faster than before, running is less tiring, and the jiggly feeling that I often get when running has almost all but disappeared. Indeed, running with slight static after is probably one of the slowest means of losing weight, but I think its better than forcing myself to swear off lava cake and ice cream immediately. Weights are troublesome because it takes time to calibrate and I have to go to the school gym. CCA is ridiculous, because my schedule has too many conflicts for it to be possible. Considering how most sports require a location and partners... Running is still the best option.
 

Sure, my knee is slightly more creaky than before, but what is a bit of discomfort, not pain mind you, when I’m getting lighter and happier? Technically I’m never supposed to run again but I need to shed the weight to make life easier for my knee because I cannot crash my diet successfully so… Yes a Catch 22 situation that I am feebly attempting to reduce by slight controls on my diet. There is no reason to self implement a system that I will relish breaking. The rebellious streak in me just loves breaking things apart, to the extent that strict diet controls will fail horribly, regardless of how hard I try to convince myself that it is ultimately beneficial. Rules and I don't make for good bedfellows.

I think prohibitive diets make me crave sweets even MORE. And I have a horrible sweet tooth. So I will ration my sweets consumption to when I feel depressed and/or suicidal/murderous, and just make healthier choices where possible. Knowing my personality, this is probably the best way about it.

Furthermore, the endorphin high that kicks in after the run makes me feel so good. I’m happy! For a change I’m happy!

Anyhow, I tried this figure hugging top in a shop today, and I can safely say that, other than a slight lower abdominal pouch which I am working to deflate, leaner thighs and arms… Generally I am slightly less displeased with my body. I would not ask for another body, but I would like to improve it. There are things I like, like how my nails grow and my eyelashes curl naturally. There are things I have come to accept, like how I've single eyelids and a generally flat Asian face. And then there are things I would like to change, such as my evident lack of substantial triceps and the heinous excessive fat agglomeration around my thighs.

People around me have not exactly been supportive of my exercise regime though. Gotten numerous comments about how I’m not fat, how its ‘too much’, how I’m ‘crazy’… Which is utterly depressing to say the least. I’m aiming for a healthier life and a leaner and stronger frame. Shouldn’t I be worried if I am carrying with me unnecessary fats that will impede my lifestyle? High blood pressure, diabetes, high blood cholesterol… All of these start from having an unhealthy lifestyle and fats play a large role in these illnesses. The icing on the cake? I’m predisposed to all these because I’ve relatives with these illnesses. Now tell me again that I’m doing ‘too much’. Hey, all I am doing is running and static. I am not starving myself. I am not clocking 10km everyday. I am not attempting marathons. I am not going under the knife. All I am doing is run and static. Maximum workout time is an hour, usually half and hour to forty five minutes!

Believe me, I am not aiming for zero fats. My brain would die and my body processes will fail. I’m aiming for something like 15% to 18%, sufficient to keep myself warm, my brain functioning and most importantly severely reduce my chances of getting the suite of ‘rich man’ illnesses that I am, most unfortunately, genetically vulnerable to.

Think of it this way: I don’t need people to run with me. Neither do I need people to gym with me. I will not force people to eat the things I do. You don’t need to participate in my lifestyle change; all I ask is that you support my decision to get moving and do SOMETHING about how I’m wasting my body away.

You see, I’m not forcing you to get off your fat ass and run. Neither am I going to ask you to strengthen your heart muscles and lungs. Yeah, you don’t drink so your liver should be fine. And you don’t smoke, so you probably won’t get lung cancer. But what about your heart, the blood vessels, your kidneys and all the other organs in your body? When one fails, all the rest tend to go at the same time. I want to maintain my standard of living, thank you very much. According to the fortune teller, I will, most unfortunately, live to around seventy years old and die from either heart or lung problems. If possible, I would rather not die slowly and/or painfully, so pardon me while I pursue the elusive ideal of health.
 

Therefore, stop telling me to be a lazy bum who cannot be bothered to cherish her body. I am doing so. In my own way.

Thank you.

"Why don't you understand how I feel? Why don't I understand how you feel?"

Tenacity

Playlist

I Love You by 2NE1

Leaving Singapore for Japan in about 2 months. More or less confirmed everything with my parents. Module mapping is still a mess because of school, and much of the administrative work is pending due to some reason or another. Administrative work is likely to require at least 3 months, easily stretching into my term in Japan. Which is not surprising because there is just so much of it, and most of it will need confirmation from the various government and organisational bodies. Most of it is unbearable tedious but I'm taking it as part of the process. If there is one thing I do not dislike, it is form filling, so I think I am in good stead?

Been a while since I blogged. Was previously very busy with studying for Japanese and trying to sort out my life, so I neglected here for a bit. My schedule for June was virtually like this: Wake up, work, run, dinner, shower, study Japanese and crash. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes, when my knee hurts and I arrange dinner with friends, it went something like this: Wake up, work, dinner with friends, shower, study Japanese and crash. Weekends were: Wake, run, breakfast, shower, study Japanese, lunch, nap, household chores, dinner, study Japanese, crash. Yes it was pretty much the life of an automaton. Barely any variations in my habits, superbly predictable timings, and I was just trudging along day by day. It was driving me crazy though. I like a wee bit of excitement and adventure in my life, and this type of regimented lifestyle is totally not for me. A week or two of this makes me feel as though a year has gone by with nothing to show for it. Once in a while is good, because it gives my body time to rest and adjust, but I'm the sort who believes that a bit of a shock now and then is always good for the system. Establishing better mental capabilities and all.

I never thought that I would say this, but I think I will come to miss wearing shorts and tank tops. Work has relegated my shorts and mini skirts to the dark dingy corner in my cupboard. My tanks are all lonely and waiting for me to pull them out during the weekend. And I am washing my work appropriate attire so many times that I fear they will soon discolour. Recycling the same few pieces over and over again. I think I will miss the warm-ish breeze we get in Singapore, but I look forward to moaning about how dreadfully cold it is in Japan in winter. Never been really cold before, and I think it is one of those things that everyone should experience. Its so sad to have never seen snow, and I have no intention to remain sad forever. Not eactly sure, but if the difficulty of classes in Japan are similar to that of Singapore, its bound to be difficult without any of my finance friends to rely on, but I guess its alright because its back to the old days of really studying on my own. Not impossible.

Also thinking of pursuing, if possible, an internship in Japan. Hopefully finance related because I really want to try out the finance side of things before I graduate. Before joining SMU, it never really occurred to me to intern and try out, but now that I'm three years in and one year to get out, I just feel like applying for an internship wherever to see if I am suited to the career. Reality and textbook scenarios are very different, and no matter how much you read or hear about something, nothing is as effective as experiencing it all first hand. Kinaesthetic memory.

Almost Olympic season! And there is nothing quite like watching the gymnasts. But with the pathetic amount of news and television exposure that I get every day, I have barely any idea of what is happening, who is qualifying and all. Distinctly different from the previous Olympics, where I was watching the qualifier rounds wee into the night due to the lousy timings of the broadcasts due to the free-to-air programming. Sad eh? The things that we so easily give up in order to cope with the other parts of our lives. Now why can't I seem to give up on the foods that I like so much but are so obviously bad for my weight?

No longer falling ill on a quarterly basis, and I'm beginning to understand how effective two days of a liquid diet is. Indeed, all I am doing is sleeping in bed and resting, but my basal metabolic rate burned away all the fats that were accumulating quite easily, and due to a reduced appetite from the starving, I need about a week to go back to prior consumption levels. Analysing it this way, its no wonder that I had no difficulty maintaining lithe. I was effective purging my system every two months! Not like I can go back to those days, because its ridiculous to force myself to fall ill in order to lose weight. Health is important, and I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I will need to run consistently for the rest of my life to enjoy a healthy body fat percentage. Gotta keep it up and ramp it up. Sure, my runs have significantly increased my basal metabolic rate, but with my dreadfully sedentary lifestyle, its unlikely that I will see a significant improvement anytime soon. Oh well.

July is almost at an end, and it will definitely end with a ton of events at my internship. Its the slight lull before the storm now, as one of the main events has just ended. Need to see how things go, but I will be looking for a part time job in August to supplement my lifestyle. I would probably die from boredom if I didn't do anything work related during the month? And now that I have stopped going for training, there really is not much that I can do if I do not work. There are only so many hours in a day that I can spend on course mapping! Research is fun, but after a while... I will admit that I need a break. Doing mindless physical tasks sounds like the break my heart needs to clear up.

"Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand... Just like the river twisting over the dusty land..."