いばら

Playlist

Its Not Right But Its Ok by Glee

Internship starts tomorrow. Sort of decided on what to wear, but my head is in a bit of a mess. I have no idea of what to expect of my job, and the job description is not the most helpful piece of paper around. As I've said, my head is kind of in a mess. The good thing about it all is that work starts at 10am, so I have some time to wake up properly before heading down to work. Not sure if the late start time is a good or bad thing? I foresee myself saying that its ok not to go to bed early because I can wake up later than most, which sort of defeats the purpose of having a late start time. One drawback is that work ends late too, which makes it very difficult for me to have dinner at a normal-ish hour. Unless I eat near work or late, its hard to have dinner with others. Kind of sad as I like having meals with people I like.

Was talking to a friend about my worries and while there was this part of me that knew what she said was true, the fear does not disappear. Discussed stuff like work, a sense of belonging and social pressures... Depressing things that stalk you in the night. Anyway, while I was talking to her, I felt all reinvigorated, but the very moment the conversation lulled, I was almost reduced back to my lump of useless worrying. Your rational self loses all control when confronted with irrational fears, and nothing you say to yourself seems to help. Scary scary feeling. Not like I can force her to talk to me non stop just for my selfish reasons. I guess I really ought to reinforce my mental fortress. 

Went for the L'arc~en~Ciel concert on Saturday. I would have had a really horrible time if I had been all vain and stupid to put on make-up and contacts because I cried four times in the two and a half hours concert. And by cry, I mean cry, not the sniffling-and-teary type, but the bawling-heart-out type. I might have cried out my contacts and had eyeliner running down my face as I cried from disbelief, joy, sadness and all the other hundred and one confused emotions whirling inside. Yeah, I really felt like the spin cycle of an industrial washing machine choked full with emotions. Heart wrenching pain as I might never get to attend another concert of theirs. Joy at being able to hear them live after all these years of wanting to attend a concert. And all the other very complex feelings that will make me sound utterly convoluted if I were to type it all out because everything is all tangled up in my heart and head. The main thing is that the concert was fantastic. I will never ever forget the opening strains of いばらの涙 for the rest of my life. The lame ass joke of pink Merlions for testu by ken. My only grouse is that SISTIC screwed me over, which is why I was not seated at the first sector, aka, the banana range. Shall not continue thinking about such depressing things, it might ruin my happy memory of the concert.

OH. And I think I spent something like five hundred dollars on merchandise and tickets. Half to the the ticket price and the rest to the poster, shirt, CD and bag that I purchased. Was only intending to get the CD and the bag but the post concert high made me part with money at the booth. Horrible lack of self discipline, but I have no regrets. The poster is gorgeous, the bag is pretty cute, the shirt will be for my Pooh to wear when I feel depressed, and the CD is now in my iTunes playlist. Yes, happiness can be derived from money, in particular, purchasing power. So now everyone who reads my blog knows what happened to most of my income from my part time job... And one more thing off my bucket list! Yippee!

Going to head to bed, after all, I do need to work tomorrow. Argh.

"燃え行く体は灰になって奪われても　穢れてなかったなら　その時はあなたが連れて行って　そしてそっと抱いて"